The Bachelor
EP. TITLE AIR/PUB'L GRADE AUTHOR 12-4Weecap
Matt Takes Six Women on a Group Date
Matt Takes Six Women on a Group Date - Matt plays tennis with six of the bachelorettes. With sexy results! He has dinner with Marshana and Kelly. With sexy results! He and Amanda go swing dancing. With sexy results!
..02008.04.08 B-
Daniel
12-3Weecap
Leatherheads
Three Women Are Eliminated - Ten women play rugby on the group date, it's like a stupid Super Bowl halftime event, only lamer. Shayne drinks wine, Holly goes to a movie, and everyone hates Robin.
2008.03.312008.04.01 C
Daniel
12-2Weecap
Is It In His Kiss?
Group Dates: Fashion Show/Las Vegas - I want to kiss Matt as much as you do. You have succeeded, and I have not. This means you are a whore.
2008.03.242008.03.25 D
Daniel
12-1London Calling
London Calling - Matt Grant and twenty-five bachelorettes meet each other, and the winnowing begins. Acceptable: biting off chunks of aluminum cans. Unacceptable: stuffing your undies in his trousers.
2008.03.162008.03.18 D+
Daniel
11-10After The Final Rose
After The Final Rose - Brad comes back to face his accusers -- Jenni, DeAnna, and Chris Harrison. It doesn't go so well.
2007.11.192007.11.21 D+
Sars
11-9The Final Two Women Meet Brad's Family
The Final Two Women Meet Brad's Family - Aaaaaand then the final two women get negged.
2007.11.182007.11.20 B
Sars
11-8The Women Tell All (Season 11)
The Women Tell All (Season 11) - "All" does not mean "new" or "interesting." Even Chris Harrison's zingers don't breathe much life into this reunion retread.
2007.11.112007.11.13 D+
Sars
11-7A Trip To Cabo San Lucas
A Trip To Cabo San Lucas - Jenni dances with dolphins, DeAnna speeds through her lines, and the producers finally hear reason on the Bettina question.
2007.11.042007.11.06 C+
Sars
11-6Brad Meets The Families
Brad Meets The Families - Jenni's grandma kicks ass, Bettina's family sucks ass, and Mike Fleiss shows his ass when Sheena gets sent home.
2007.10.282007.10.30 C+
Sars
11-5A Romantic Gondola Ride
A Romantic Gondola Ride - I don't know what gondola ride they were watching, but the one in this episode is really awkward. Not as awkward as Hillary, though. Ohhhhhh, Hillary.
2007.10.212007.10.23 B-
Sars
11-4Brad Takes One On A Helicopter Ride
Brad Takes One On A Helicopter Ride - And another three get the heave-ho: Stephy, which is too bad, and the odious Jade and McCarten, which is long overdue.
2007.10.142007.10.16 B
Sars
11-3Brad Takes Six Women To The Circus
Brad Takes Six Women To The Circus - Then he sics his identical twin Chad on the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party. In between, Hillary has a meltdown, Bettina confesses, McCarten is a bitch some more, and Solisa tries too hard.
2007.10.072007.10.09 C+
Sars
11-2After The Fall
After The Fall - After group dates to the racetrack and the beach, Jade, Hillary, and McCarten emerge as front-runners in the Hateable Derby. Michele falls down the stairs -- then out of contention, followed by Erin and Mallory. Jenni and Brad kiss. Solisa is a weirdo.
2007.09.302007.10.02 C
Sars
11-1"I Will Find A Wife"
An Entrepreneur Looks For Love - Meet Brad Womack. He's ready to settle down, find a nice lady, get married, and repeat himself about that shit twenty-eight squillion times on this season of The Bachelor. Also in this ep: foobs, the human pretzel, and…Melissa. Ohhhhhh, Melissa.
2007.09.232007.09.25 C
Sars
8-3Heather Is A Loser
Heather Is A Loser - Heather and Mary come back. Heather leaves again.
2004.10.052004.10.11 D+
Kim
8-2Leina Has Left the Building
Leina Has Left the Building - Byron moves into the women's mansion, and Leina splits because she loves someone else. Four more women get eliminated.
2004.09.282004.10.03 C
Kim
8-1The Bassmaster
The Bassmaster - The women choose Byron, and Byron eliminates ten women.
2004.09.212004.09.27 C+
Kim
7-7Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On
Djb's Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas! - Whatever. Jesse's castrating, pearl-clutching, evil WASP mom is really only in this episode for a few minutes, but Djb wanted to put that index title there to remind everyone that Fountains Of Wayne is actually a really good band.
2004.05.182004.05.20
Djb
7-6A Fantasy Suite In The Lincoln Bedroom
Taller Than The Washington Monument - Washington D.C.! The birthplace of our nation. And, according to this show, the birthplace of romance. Go there with someone you hate today.
2004.05.112004.05.15
Djb
7-5A Wrong Turn On The Southern State
Gun Shy - Andrews, Texas. Paul's Valley, Oklahoma. Ech. No wonder people hate America.
2004.05.042004.05.08 D+
Djb
7-4Jenny Jenny, Who Can I Turn To?
Marching Orders - Not Jenny, that's who. Because you don't listen, Jesse. BECAUSE YOU DON'T LISTEN!
2004.04.272004.05.02 D
Djb
7-3Spy In The House Of Love
Spy In The House Of Love - Trish is a whore, and the other women stone her to death.
2004.04.202004.04.26 B-
Kim
7-2Your Trish Your Trish Is On His List
Spy Vs. Not Spy - Trish is also in Jesse's pants. And his wallet. And...his heart?
2004.04.132004.04.17 D
Djb
7-1The Hell Nine Yards
I Spy - Football, basketball, baseball, and equestrian all become one generically uber-sized MegaSport when it comes to mixing metaphors about back-up quarterback Jesse Palmer. We'd call this episode a "touchdown," but we're not sure Jesse's ever gotten one, so he might not know what that is. Also? This episode is not a touchdown.
2004.04.062004.04.10 D+
Djb
6-7Circle Gets The Square
Once In Love With Ian - Actually, Square gets the Circle. Actually, Square gets no one. Actually, Circle just gets Ian.
2004.02.242004.02.27 D
Djb
6-6Loser Is As Loser Does
Island Of Tropic Diseases - Try a little tenderness, Meredith. Try a little ANYTHING, Meredith. Just don't try pretending you like Chad. It's embarrassing.
2004.02.172004.02.20
Djb
6-5Save The Drama For Yo Mama
Home On Deranged - Lanny's mom preaches, Matthew's mom rhymes, Chad's mom makes his bed for him, and Ian's mom disappears on cue. Good job, Meredith. Describing all of these guys in terms of their mothers is an excellent sign.
2004.02.102004.02.12 B
Djb
6-4Lanny, Get Your Gun
One On One's So Slow - Your love gun, that is, you seafood-sautéing stud, you.
2004.02.032004.02.05 D
Djb
6-3Sssssssssh!
Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick - Ryan M., seriously. The giraffes can't take it anymore.
2004.01.272004.01.29 C+
Djb
6-2Spare Me
Bowlers And Bowling - Bowling is supposed to be nasty and foolish and sloppy and drunk, so you wouldn't think it would work inside a mansion, right? But seriously, with Rick and Meredith creeping up the place, they insure it will be all of the above. Hey! Save me the small orange ball! Oh, wait. That's just Rick's head.
2004.01.202004.01.22 C
Djb
6-1She's A Bad Nana Jama
House Of Bland And Groggy - The Ghost Of Dead Grandmas Past haunts the first ten minutes of this episode, after which time it descends into an exact retread of every season of this show. That's why Djb didn't feel so bad aping his index-page headline from last season. Because seriously? It's the identical show.
2004.01.132004.01.15
Djb
5-13I Don't
Marry Me A Lot - And I can't. And I won't. And I think we should see other reality shows. Because this is NOT working out.
2003.12.102003.12.14
Djb
5-11Lamb, Meet Slaughter
Trista And Cryin' - Ryan bawls like a small child and it's all very pathetic.
2003.12.022003.12.08 C+
Djb
5-10Death Wears A Sweater Set
Pretty In Peenk - Don't fear the reaper. For she will introduce you to people who let you taste delicious cakes.
2003.11.252003.11.28 D
Djb
5-9Low Interest Rate
Two Become One - One of the remaining two girls fosters a "connection" with Bob's family based on the fact that she does something with mortgages and he does something with mortgages. In the perfect illustration of this episode's inability to hold an audience's attention, Djb can't remember if that was the winner or the loser.
2003.11.182003.11.20
Djb
5-8Friendster Is For Suckers!
The Women Tell All (Season 5) - With a lack of anything better to do during this deathly slow reunion special, Djb resorts to discussing how he can't get laid.
2003.11.112003.11.13
Djb
5-7Northern Overexposure
Me Estella, Eugene - Fantasy Dates to the north, south, and creamy nougat center of North America confirm Mary as the loser, Estella as the dark horse, and Kelly Jo as the perky -Bachelorette-in-training.
2003.11.042003.11.07 C+
Djb
5-6¡Hola Again!
Death Becomes Them - Why is Mary still on this show? Remove the feeding tube, Florida. It's OVER.
2003.10.282003.11.03 C
Djb
5-5Mary, Mary, Why Ya Buggin'?
This Is Getting Old - Mary cries crocodile tears, even though Djb is not entirely sure of what "crocodile tears" are. Isn't it when you cry and you're also old, scaly, and reptilian? If so, Mary cries crocodile tears.
2003.10.212003.10.23 D
Djb
5-4Divas Live
Lee-Ann Freaks Out - Lee-Ann drips diamonds and the other girls drip venom as Bob's least compatible lady sails on a transvestite cruise ship.
2003.10.142003.10.17 D
Djb
5-3Skinny Amy
It's My Bachelor Party And I'll Cry Because I'm Crazy And/Or Sad About The Sudden Death Of My Grandmother - Bob plugs his band and Djb plugs his ears.
2003.10.072003.10.09 D+
Djb
5-2No Chris is Good Chris
The Chris/Miss Party - It is now officially, contractually sanctioned to find the existence of Chris Harrison worthy of putting us all in a really bad mood.
2003.09.302003.10.02 D+
Djb
5-1She's A Bad Mama Jama
It's So Nice To Finally Meet You! - "Bad" in a good way, of course. After all, this is Bob
2003.09.232003.09.27 C
Djb
4-9WASP Bites
Sibling Bling Rivalry - In a creepy domestic twist on Othello, a man plants the seeds of jealousy inside a previously pure spirit, and the results are...well, Bill-tastic. The Bachelor? Should totally be Bill.
2003.05.172003.05.19 C
Djb
4-8Recapping the Recap
The Women Tell All (Season 4) - Previously on The Bachelor...this.
2003.05.132003.05.16 D+
Djb
4-7Aloha, Oy
Bowling For Dullards - Three overnight dates, three discreet camera exits when things get...well, when they get all overnighty. (Okay, two discreet camera exits and one dose of panting.) Adios, Tina Fabulous -- the wispy thread of personality you periodically displayed was far too much for Andrew Firestone, Captain of the S.S. Snoozebomber.
2003.05.062003.05.12 D+
Miss Alli
4-6I Don't Give a Damn 'Bout the Whole State of Michigan
Life (x4) - 'Cause I'm from Ohio. And so is Jen. And maybe some other people, too. Whatever. All those states look the same.
2003.04.292003.05.02 C-
Djb
4-5Seventy-Minute Man
Tennis, Everyone? - If you can't tell a story in the time allotted, you need to switch to a genre in which some kind of "overtime" is permitted.
2003.04.222003.04.24 D
Djb
4-4So, You Don't Like Italian?
When You're Here, You're Family - Andrew will not be having the special, thanks.
2003.04.152003.04.19 C
Djb
4-3Djb Hates Rich People
Self-Respect, Or Shaq Thereof - And here are about a thousand reasons why.
2003.04.082003.04.10 B-
Djb
4-2Retreading Water
Spill The Whine - Even Jesus couldn't turn tires into wine.
2003.04.012003.04.03
Djb
4-1Welcome to the Steel Wheels Tour
The Bachelor Revealed (Season 3) - Because so much is riding on your tires.
2003.03.252003.03.29 D+
Djb
3-7Worshipping False American Idols
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers - What if you threw a surprise reality-show finale and nobody came?
2003.02.182003.02.21 B-
Djb
3-6Uncontrolled Substances
The Men Tell All - Videotaped footage of a grown man urinating on his own bed is burned on our retinas forever. It just makes that whole cocaine-bust thing pale in comparison, doesn't it?
2003.02.112003.02.14 C+
Djb
3-5The Biorhythm Method
You're All I Overthink About - Russ gets his aura read and his ego shattered, and Rhymin' and Sideshow Charlie get...well, laid.
2003.02.042003.02.07 D
Djb
3-4A Room of One's Own
A Very Very Very Fine House - You could fit all of the action of this episode into Greg's studio apartment. And you could wipe that sneer off your face when you do it, young lady.
2003.01.282003.01.31 D+
Djb
3-3Ryan's Hope
Oh, The Humanity! - "I like rocks. Rocks are gray. When you talk to a rock. They always say..."
2003.01.212003.01.24 C+
Djb
3-2Encino Evil
Chargers: A Million / Dorks: Eight - Yeah, um, hi everyone. I'm Guy. Who the hell are all you people?
2003.01.142003.01.17 B-
Djb
3-1Slice Up the Beefcake
Debut - Twenty-five eligible blue-collar bohunks in varying degrees of cheap suits make their first plays for Trista's heart.
2003.01.072003.01.10 C+
Djb
2-9Congratulations! Now, Go Away.
May The Best Ass Win - Aaron asks Helene to marry him. Can we talk about something else now?
2002.11.192002.11.24
Shack
2-814:56...14:57...14:58...
The Women Tell All (Season 2) - The rejected women return to blather, bicker, and bore us all with justifications for their desperate, pathetic, or just-plain-crazy behavior. Don't you ladies have a Blind Date casting call to get to?
2002.11.122002.11.16 D+
Shack
2-7He Did It All for the Nookie
Wet, But Not Very Wild - Aaron pretends that he still has doubts about which bachelorette he wants in order to wrangle make-out sessions from the three who are left. Then he dumps Gwen, the one who didn't wave her ass in his face while wearing a bikini.
2002.11.052002.11.09 D
Shack
2-6What, No Dowries?
Fun For The Whole Family - Gwen's, Helene's, and Brooke's families all think Aaron's great and that he's making their respective loved ones happy. Angela's roommate hates him and her family couldn't care less about him. Guess who gets eliminated?
2002.10.292002.11.03 C
Shack
2-5Grim, Scary Tales
Cult Of (No) Personality - Gwen plays Cinderella. Heather plays Ursula. Brooke plays (Southern) Belle. Angela and Hayley play those two people in the background who don't get any lines. Helene just plays Aaron.
2002.10.222002.10.26 D+
Shack
2-4Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Week Three - Aaron likes Helene's ass and Brooke's insecurities, but doesn't like Christi's mental instability or Shannon's...something. We never really got to know her, anyway. Brunette Heather slips on her second face when Brooke isn't around. And some women freak because Aaron gave Helene his phone number. Maybe he'll let her wear his letter jacket soon.
2002.10.152002.10.22 C
Shack
2-4Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Love Means Never Having To Say You're Crazy - Aaron likes Helene's ass and Brooke's insecurities, but doesn't like Christi's mental instability or Shannon's...something. We never really got to know her, anyway. Brunette Heather slips on her second face when Brooke isn't around. And some women freak because Aaron gave Helene his phone number. Maybe he'll let her wear his letter jacket soon.
2002.10.152002.10.21 C
Shack
2-3The Witless Bride
Leaving Normal - Christi pouts and rolls her eyes and tries to poison Aaron against Suzanne, then has a insane crying hissyfit when Anindita calls her out on it. It's a fairy tale, all right -- one where people get shoved into ovens or mauled by wild animals.
2002.10.082002.10.12 B
Shack
2-2Music Hath Charms to Rouse the Savage Breasts
Hello. I Love You. Won't You Tell Me Your Name? - Aaron plays the piano and kicks out the women with small boobies and the ones who indicate that they have minds of their own.
2002.10.012002.10.05 D+
Shack
2-1Love Is in the Heir
The Bachelor Revealed (Season 2) - A small-town daddy's boy is looking for a new toy: a pretty girl who doesn't know the difference between "genuine sincerity" and "smug self-satisfaction." Fortunately for him, nobody involved with this show seems to know, either. Also, Alex and Amanda are still faker than an aluminum Christmas tree.
2002.09.242002.09.28
Shack