Welcome to St. Croix! French for "St. Crotch," I am pretty sure. Sean says he's "breaking the rules" by flying in with the women. Maybe the police should be alerted to the fact he's such a badass! Despite the fact that his rule-breaking means it would take just one plane crash to solve everyone's problems, they arrive safely.
This season's idiots are staying at a place called "The Buccaneer" and they ooh and ahh accordingly and proclaim that the hotel smells "so nice," which is good. The Tierrarist is doing a good job of making friends by setting up a cot instead of staying in the bedroom with some other woman she doesn't like. "I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriends, I'm not," she says, and she thinks it's best if she just has her own private space. So it makes sense that she sets up her cot in one of the shared spaces.
The date card is for AshLee. "Let's get carried away..." reads the card. AshLee is excited and goes to get ready or whatever, and Tierra sings, "The cougar's back in town," and everyone reacts like she just defecated in the middle of the room. I mean, maybe she did; they don't show us everything. Tierra snottily suggests to us that there's something wrong with AshLee since she's already 32, whereas Tierra plans to be married with kids by that time. By the end of this episode, I think Tierra being still alive at 32 will count as an accomplishment.
AshLee and Sean swim out to a catamaran and have a great time -- AshLee crying while we're supposed to believe that Sean is getting her over her abandonment issues. Even Sean appears to have had enough of Tierra's bullshit because we're at the point where he's grateful to a woman who's talking shit about her instead of booting her out of the house. I mean, I imagine Kacey watches this and starts crying all over again. It's the usual stuff about how Tierra is different when she's with the women, and also probably sacrifices small animals to her Dark Lord and then doesn't even clean up the entrails or anything.
And now they are making out and pretending like they're not getting sand all up in their genitals.
The sun sets and there's a knock at the door. Catherine fetches another date card. "Tierra. Let's explore our love on the streets of St. Croix..." Tierra finally gets her one-on-one date, and then shits all over it by complaining about the sweat and the bugs.
"She's the most unhappy person I've ever come in contact with. I hate that bitch," says Lesley. She says that last part so wearily that I laughed loud and long. She just sounds more defeated than hostile.
Anyway, Sean and AshLee are having dinner on the beach, and Sean says if things go well, he's going to meet her family, so is there anything else he needs to know? Translation: He's been coached to ask this because she's got something apparently earth-shattering to share. She takes five fucking minutes with the preamble of how she just wants to get this out there and move past it. Eventually she tells him that fifteen years ago in high school she was having a hard time with her parents, and she got married when she was 17. Sean's eyes bug out. UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! OUT WITH THE WHORE! "So you were a married high school junior?" Sean asks, looking like he's just about ready to gnaw his own leg off to get out of here.
Sean says, "I thought you were going to tell me something terrible," while looking like he's trying not to throw up. He says she's perfect and not broken. "His answer was flawless. He accepts what I've been through, and he accepts me for me," says AshLee, who fails to explain why she needs his acceptance to begin with. And then she screams "I LOVE ST. CROIX!" and "I LOVE SEAN!" It's so romantic the way he doesn't say it back! And now they make out some more. And then I realize that there isn't a rose to give out, so there wasn't the possibility of elimination. Is this how the episode before the hometown dates always work? I always manage to kill enough brain cells during a season that I forget how things work by the time. When it comes to The Bachelor, I have the memory of a goldfish.
Anyway, the day, Sean is waiting for Tierra, and he's got a lot of questions about her: Is she really the sweet girl she appears to be or the not-so-nice girl EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD says she is? Unsurprisingly, she is bubbly and chipper with Sean about how much fun she's having while telling us how miserable she actually is.
She does like shopping with Sean because she claims he knows her so well, by which she seems to mean she asks him she should get a piece of jewelry and he says "Yes." And now there is a "parade" which appears to be half-a-dozen dancers in island getup who are here specifically to interact with the couple and make them to appear human. I mean, every parade I've ever seen has people lined up on the sides of the street along the parade route because they, you know, knew in advance it was happening.
Back at the house, AshLee is explaining to the rest of the women how she told Sean what an utter wench Tierra is. "He definitely knows what he's in for now," says AshLee.
Meanwhile, Sean is having such a great time, but he always sees this side of Tierra, so he wants to know if she's secretly a bitch, right? So he starts prodding her, and Tierra pretends to have no idea what's going on, but she suspects the other women have hated her since she got that first rose. "If I find out another girl has thrown me under the bus, I'll definitely be pissed off," she tells us. Oh, what are you going to do, fake an injury in her general direction?
Time for dinner at a sugar mill, and Tierra tells Sean she felt a little distant from him during the date, in contrast from how close she felt to him after Canada (stop saying "Canada" over there!). Sean has a knot in his face a Boy Scout couldn't untie, and then says the drama with the women in the house may have put the two of them a little behind.
Another date card back at the Buccaneer, for Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay: "Love is on the horizon." Catherine predicts Ziplining. That also means Lesley gets a one-on-one date, which is exciting to her no matter where she goes. She could even be on Tierra's cot, she explains. Well, you might want to check it for booby-traps first.
Back on the date with the Tierrarist, she tells him that she's falling for him, only it appears to be not so much sincere but more of a strategy to counter whatever AshLee said. "I finally have come to a conclusion that she's probably not nice to the other women, but she's genuine when she says she's here for me," Sean says, so I guess it wasn't so much that he was worried that she might not actually be a nice person, as long as she fakes it for him.
Back at the house, the women are preparing for the inevitability that there's a throwdown between AshLee and Tierra, if Sean is too much of an idiot not to leave Tierra with the impression AshLee was talking about her (and of course he's too much of an idiot).
And now it is 4:42 AM and Sean is skulking around the Buccaneer with a flashlight to wake the women out. You know, like a psycho and/or a kidnapper might do. "I know girls hate being seen without makeup on," says Sean, who decides what he wants supersedes anything the women want, and wakes them up and pops camera flashes in their faces. Fortunately, this sick fuck determines the women aren't completely unmarriageable trolls first thing in the morning. "I was pleasantly surprised," he says. Their appearances have been found worthy of him! Huzzah!
He's getting them up this early so they can watch the sunrise on the east side of the island, and then take a road trip across the island, with the women fretting about getting enough time with him today to make the case that they deserve a hometown date. Desiree says "I totally feel like Sean's my man" but she's at least aware that the other women feel the same way. However, Catherine thinks Desiree and Sean have made an obvious connection, as evidenced by the two of them playing on a swing at some sort of treehouse while Catherine and Lindsay twiddle their thumbs. Lindsay also notes that Desiree got to ride shotgun in the jeep most of the time. Well, did she call it? You gotta call it, Lindsay!
Lesley's date card arrives: "I hope our love stands the test of time," it says. Lesley says she needs to show Sean that her feelings for him are growing every day, and she badly wants to take him home.
Eventually the group daters make their way to Sandy Point on the east side of the island, and we can all stop holding our breath to see if they could drive across St. Croix in one day. Somehow they managed to drive twenty-eight miles between sunrise and sunset, so that must have been some Formula One-type driving.
Fortunately for this show's skin requirements, that leaves plenty of sunlight for frolicking on the beach and in the water. Sean also needs time to figure out which woman he wants to bestow a rose on, since that will earn her a hometown date. And I'd forgotten that Lindsay was the one in the wedding dress on the very first night, but Sean says he's crazy about her. He says he's "crazy about" everyone, actually. That's his way of saying, "She's pretty enough to have sex with, definitely."
Catherine warns Sean that her dad will probably not be at any hometown date, because he battled depression after being abused by his older brothers, and also attempted suicide in front of her and her sister when she was a teenager. It's weird how much more matter-of-fact Catherine is about this and how much more direct she is -- even though you can see it's difficult for her -- than AshLee was in telling Sean that she, you know, was married before. Sean says, "Thank you for telling me that," because he appears to be unable to offer any kind of specific comfort or empathy.
Back at the house, Lesley and AshLee talk about Tierra, while Tierra stews about what she assumes AshLee said on her date with Sean. She's fed up, she tells us, because she doesn't deserve this. "Enough is enough," she says. Couldn't agree more, Tierra.
And now it's Catherine's turn to justify why Sean should grace her family with a visit, and the sound is bad enough with the surf coming in that you can barely tell what they're saying to the point that this show has to put subtitles on the screen. Basically Desiree wants Sean to visit her family because it would be a big deal. And she cries when she talks about wanting what her parents have. Goddamn, is every woman going to cry tonight?
And then it's time to give out the group date rose, and Sean says this was by far the hardest decision he's had to make thus far, but he gives it to Lindsay, who pats herself on the back by proclaiming that the crazy girl in the wedding dress now has a hometown date, and nobody saw that coming at all. And then Sean's plan to see the sunrise fizzles because ... it's cloudy? I guess?
And now Sean has his one-on-one date with Lesley, and he wants to sit and talk to her because their relationship is not as strong as it is with the other women. This makes sense because she's cute, as per usual, but she's also funny and has a brain and a real job. They are... I don't know, picking avocados? She says it's "so weird" how well she can see him fitting in with her family. Because, of course, most contestants think the Bachelor won't fit in with their families at all.
He asks her if there's anything she needs to tell him, and she acts all cagey but the big secret that she wants to tell him is that she's falling in love with him. I'm not sure what the big deal is, because if there's any place that "I'm falling in love" means absolutely nothing, it's The Bachelor. And she decides that it didn't feel right to tell him today. She wants it to feel a little more natural, in which case it shouldn't happen at all on this show.
Sean feels that Lesley exudes confidence, but there hasn't been as much affection and kissing, etc., so I guess what it boils down to is that he's unsure about her because she doesn't put out enough. And now they are kissing, although Lesley seems quite uncomfortable about it. She's worried about letting her guard down because what if Sean doesn't want to meet her family?
So the dates are over, leaving Sean with nothing to do but wander around a pier and contemplate what to do. And then his sister Shay shows up, and he's hoping she can provide him with some clarity. She's the one who signed him up for the show in the first place, so THANKS FOR THAT, SHAY. She offers brilliant insights like he needs to pick women he could imagine proposing to. He says that's all of them because he is some kind of moron. And now she is babbling about stupid stuff and now Sean is bringing up the Tierra problem, a discussion that we'll get snippets of during the blowup (being teased all night) between AshLee and Tierra.
AshLee asks Tierrra if she had fun on their one-on-one date, and Tierra says she did, but says there was distance after Sean's date with AshLee, and then starts talking about the other women are sabotaging her. AshLee tells her it's her character. Tierra says she's not going to sit around talking about high-school shit, whatever that means.
AshLee says, "You want to get nitty-gritty? Let's get nitty-gritty, honey." And tells her that she's a different person around Sean, and Tierra says it's because women are jealous and men love her, and then throws out AshLee being a geezer at 32 and sitting around with 20-somethings gossiping. Tierra soon decides she's done with all this and stomps off.
So AshLee fills in Lesley and Catherine (who amusingly appears horrified when she thinks AshLee told Tierra all the women were talking shit about her) and Tierra stomps into the room to say she never said all the women were out to get her (even though she did). AshLee is fed up with Tierra's rudeness, and says she never said anything to Sean about Tierra until he flat-out asked her. Tierra denies being rude to AshLee, who says Tierra sometimes completely ignored her when AsheLee would speak to her: "Straight stares. Raised eyebrow," she says. Tierra says she totally hasn't had Botox or anything, even though no on said anything about Botox, which isn't suspicious at all.
And then it gets straight-up HILARIOUS as AshLee alludes to Tierra saying her parents were worried about her coming on the show, since she doesn't get along with people. Tierra corrects her: "They said, 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Don't let those girls take your sparkle away!'" HAHAHA! If I'm telling my princess daughter to not let other girls take her sparkle away WHEN SHE'S 24 YEARS OLD please just shoot me and put me out of my misery. As for her not saying good morning to the other women? Her stares and cocked eyebrow? This Bachelor Hall of Fame excuse: "I can't control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow. I can't control what's on my face 24/7. If I could walk around with a smile on 24/7, I would, but my face would get friggin' tired."
Meanwhile, Sean has decided to go fetch Tierra so Shay can help him decide if he should continue to date her or wrap her up in a rug and throw her into the Caribbean. We watch him walk up to the Buccaneer while Tierra's screaming, not that that means it was actually happening at the same time. But it's treated like some sort of cliffhanger. "I'm not perfect! Get over it!" yells Tierra, because she apparently thinks the problem is that the other women think she's perfect.
When Sean arrives (edited to look like he arrived just as the argument was ending, although I'm not sure there's any way he wouldn't have heard the shouting) he goes looking for Tierra, who is crying on her cot. "Why is this happening?" she cries. I believe Raylan Givens said it best: "You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."
Sean says he doesn't understand why she's "acting like this" and he wants her to meet someone. She wants to know who it is, and he wants it to be a surprise, and she moans about how sensitive she is, and what a big heart she has, and she's so scared of this whole process. "My date with you has been heavy on my heart," she says, and she said she confronted AshLee because she sabotaged their connection. She says AshLee has been out to get her, and she hates being like this with him. "I'm really scared of going into tonight," she says, adding she gets emotional because she cares.
He tells her to hold on, and he'll be right back, so he goes out to shuffle around and look at his feet. He tells us that he cares about Tierra so when she's upset, it's hard to watch. On the other hand, his sister said if a woman can't get along with other women, that's trouble. Well, she signed you up for this show, so maybe her judgment isn't infallible?
Then he tells us he knows what he needs to do. He goes back inside and sits down on Tierra's cot, and explains that he brought his sister in to meet her, and this makes her face crumple some more, and he says he knows how emotionally taxing this has been on her. "I'm crazy about you, and I have been since the very first night," he says. And even now, with Tierra, he's pulling the "I'm sending you home because I care about you so much" routine.
Although to be fair to him here, if he takes Tierra at her word, that this is this hard on her, if she really can't handle this, then she should go home. Of course, her tears dry up and she stomps out to the minivan, and he says, "I think the world of you, I really do." "Obviously not enough," she says, and gets in the van. And the crying starts up again. "I can't believe they did this to me!" she wails, adding, "I want to go home!"
Back at the beach, Sean reports back to Shay that, you know, things could have gone better on his errand to fetch Tierra. She seems to approve. Apparently even people who only hear about Tierra don't have to meet her to dislike her.
In the van, Tierra determinedly says she won't let anyone take her sparkle away, because that's just the kind of thing a well-adjusted adult woman -- and not a My Little Pony -- would say.
Somehow, none of the other women know what happened with Tierra. She's been gone for hours, so she either went home or is dead, and they're like, "Ehh, either way." They're not ruling out the possibility that Tierra pulled his strings and he's already given her a sympathy rose.
So they're a little hopeful when they see him walk in to the cocktail party alone, and he explains his "moment of clarity" when he saw what an emotional mess she was, and he knew she wouldn't be his wife. And he tells them he's not looking for someone who causes drama, and it sure sounds like a warning. And also because he's such a baby, there's not going to be a cocktail party, but he will see them at the rose ceremony.
AshLee's not sure if the "no drama, bitches!" warning is directed at her or not, but Lesley, for one, thinks AshLee should be at least a little worried. They file into the rose ceremony, where Chris Harrison babbles some bullshit at them to remind them that they must all respect what he did with Tierra. AshLee is freaking out, because she never wants "to bring confusion to this man" and she never wants to bring hurt. "And I don't want to go home without him." Well, just don't cause him any kind of consternation ever, and you'll be fine.
Sean comes in. Brave little soldier carrying on in the face of all this drama! First rose goes to Desiree. Pardon me, "Des." one goes to Catherine. Lesley and AshLee are the final two, and Sean picks AshLee. "This rose, to me, tells me I can trust," says AshLee, who is almost stalkerishly convinced that this man -- now dating four women, the smallest number he's been with as long as she's known him.
"Rejection hurts. Heartbreak hurts," Lesley tells us. Well, you can always go back to making fun of nerds in Washington!
And Catherine, despite being selected, says she's not sure what Lesley's ouster means for her relationship with him. Uh, doesn't it mean he likes you better? She thinks Lesley and Sean had more in common than she does with him. "My beliefs are shattered about what he wants," she says. I'm not sure I've ever seen a contestant this upset to be selected.
Although when you think about it, any sane contestant should respond with tears and self-doubt whenever they're informed that they have to be around for at least one more episode.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. For lucky best wash, use Ms. Sparkle! Join her or die! Can you do any less? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.