By Shack
Previously: Twenty-five women threw themselves at Aaron. Twenty-three missed. In some unseen footage, Aaron tells Gwen as he's rejecting her that he feels like he's falling for one of the two women who are left. Tonight, the twenty-three women who were cut from the running sit around with Chris Hyperbole and talk and talk and talk and make Shack wish he were dead. And then the bachelor makes a "surprise" guest appearance. Well, I guess it's not much of surprise any longer, is it? They have to tell us this before every single commercial break, like we're all on the edge of our seats to see Aaron not answer questions in front of a live audience.
Can you believe this show won its time slot? It beat The West Wing. Isn't that scary?
We open to a predominantly female audience screaming and cheering. It reminds me of those fake audiences for infomercials who "ooh" and "ah" at everything. Chris Hyperbole comes out to tell us all what an "amazing journey" this show has been: Hearts have been broken; relationships have been forged; hot tubs have been overused; and questions have been avoided. Now it's down to just Aaron, Helene, and Brooke. Chris Hyperbole tells us that the other women have come back in order the questions we've been "dying" to ask. Liar. Nobody asks these women, "What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway? Have you no sense of dignity?"
Chris introduces the women to the crowd. The women all sit on sofas in small groups of two or three. Who the hell are these women? I don't even recognize most of them. Liangy didn't bother to show. I bet she feels kind of silly for participating in the first place. Gwen is introduced last and gets a huge cheer from the audience. Scary. Gwen is dressed like an elementary-school art teacher. Chris Hyperbole says that he'll be talking to a few of the women in the "hot seat" later, and taking questions from the freakishly excited crowd. The crowd cheers. Actually, they remind me of the audience of Emeril Live. Those people just start cheering whenever Emeril adds any ingredient to his dishes, no matter how minor. A pinch of salt: "Whooooo!" Some minced onions: "Whooooo!" Dried beetles: "Whooooo!"
Chris decides to start the show not with a bang, but with a whimper of neediness as we return to the saga of Crazy, Clueless Christi. He calls Christi up to sit to him. She's wearing an ugly denim blouse-miniskirt combo with knee-high tan pleather boots. She sits down to Chris, who says they have a lot to talk about with her.
But first, a clip show. Christi meets Aaron for the first time and tells us she thought, "Wow. Wow." Christi insists to a slightly frightened Brooke that she's already falling for Aaron. Christi clings to Aaron at Napa Valley. Aaron kisses Christi to shut her up and stop crying, which Christi mistakes for wuv, twoo wuv. Christi freaks out when Anindita calls her out on her crazy-ass behavior around Suzanne. Christi cries and says that mean comments "hurt [her] heart." She's so ridiculous. Somehow, I had forgotten how unrelentingly overwrought Christi is. In some previously unseen footage, Christi tells Anindita that she's sorry for her reaction, but that she has the most "tender heart you'll ever meet." In a total Behind the Music moment, the image freezes on Christi and a tense chord plays. Then they show the clips of Aaron saying that he thought Christi had a "Fatal Attraction thing going on." We get a little box in the corner of the screen of Christi back on stage reacting to Aaron's comments. She's got a brittle smile plastered on her face. Aaron says he didn't understand why Christi was so emotional. In some more unseen footage, Christi tells us that they're always comparing her to Brunette Heather, because they're both from the beauty-pageant world. Christi responds, "Honestly -- I'm sorry, Heather -- but I don't think Heather's a girl he could take home to his family. And I was." Yeah! Heather was going to kill Aaron's mom and sleep with his dad! And then kill his dad! And then sleep with his dad's corpse! We hear everyone back at the stage going "Ooh!" to Christi's comment, while Heather and Christi both pretend to find it funny with their fake, beauty-queen laughs. Then we get several clips of Christi crying. Then she tells us she's going to be okay. Then she tells us she's not going to be okay. Heh. I'm going to have to cast my vote in the direction of "not."
Back on the stage, the audience applauds Christi's patheticness. Chris asks Christi if, looking back, her feelings of love were really genuine. Christi says that in hindsight, probably not. But she insists that she knows that she could have loved Aaron. She insists that the moments she spent with him were some of the best moments she had ever had. The parts where she wasn't crying, no doubt. Those five minutes were really awesome. Chris points out that Christi seemed to have fallen for Aaron awfully quickly. She says that Aaron asked them to "open up to this process and to open up to the idea that he could propose to any one of [them] in weeks. So if you're gonna be open to being proposed to in a couple of weeks, then you have to also be open to falling in love with someone much quicker than you ever would." See, Christi was just being a good sport. She didn't want to fall in love with Aaron that quickly. It was all just part of "the process."
Chris stupidly asks if the date in Napa Valley signified the "beginning of the end" for Christi. Well duh. Everybody laughs at the inherent stupidity of Chris's question. Chris asks Christi why this was the case. Jesus, you just showed the damned clips! Not content to repeat things over and over, now Chris is begging the women to repeat things that we've already seen five times. She had a meltdown, okay? Well, maybe I spoke too soon: Christi uses the opening to blame everything but her own personality -- it was a long date; there was wine; Suzanne put a hex on her; Osama bin Laden spoke to her in the bathroom mirror, et cetera. Chris brings up Aaron's camera comments about Christi's behavior being reminiscent of Fatal Attraction. Everybody laughs. Christi insists that she's never boiled a bunny. Then she says she was very surprised to hear Aaron make those sorts of comments. She thinks they're ridiculous. She says, "Call me an emotional basket case if you have to [I think it's clear that we do], you know, but I don't think anything I did was remotely close to a Fatal Attraction or to anything that's psychotic." We see shots of the other women looking sort of uncomfortable with their fake smiles. In their heads, they're all thinking, "Reee! Reee! Reee! Reee!" Christi gamely notes, at the uncomfortable silence, that not everybody agrees.
Chris asks Christi how her appearance on the show has changed her life. He points out that Christi is now known nationally as some crazy, emotional woman. Christi says that it's been a "character-building" experience for her, because she knows that people are going to have opinions about her now before they ever even talk to her. She says she has to laugh about it now, because otherwise she doesn't know how else she'll make it through. By crying incessantly, I imagine. Chris asks how men have reacted to her appearances. She says she's shocked. She thought nobody would want to date her after seeing her on television, but she claims that she has been asked out more in the past month than she has in her entire life. Although, knowing Christi, she probably thinks she's been "asked out" when the bagboy offers to push her groceries out to the car. Alternatively, I think a lot of men are looking forward to telling their friends, "Hey guys, I boffed that crazy chick from The Bachelor! No, the blonde one!" Everybody applauds at this information, which I find rather insulting to her, like Christi is some sort of contestant in the Special Olympics of dating and deserves praise just for not throwing up on the guy. She says she has a new boyfriend. Somewhere, all the hairs on the back of some bagboy's neck suddenly stand up. Chris asks if she's in love with this guy already. Christi says no. Not until she makes sure he bags the cleaning supplies separately from the canned goods.
Chris opens the floor to questions from the audience. Some woman points out that Christi was "all over" Aaron on the Napa Valley date. Was that strategy or chemistry? What sort of fake-ass question was that? She should have asked, "Was that neediness or desperation?" Christi non-answers that she was just doing what felt right, and Aaron was doing the same. She says that eventually they both realized what they were doing and stopped, because it wasn't fair to the other women or something. Or that's what Aaron told her. Another woman asks if Christi's carousel ride with Aaron (where he straddled a pink sperm whale -- hee!) was "as awkward for you as it was for us." "Awkward"? I thought it was hysterical! These "audience members" are so coached. Nobody is even trying to hold Christi accountable for her behavior. Christi says that -- duh! -- it was. She says that it was Aaron who brought up Napa Valley again and said he wanted to "delve into why [Christi is] such an emotional person." She says they both just ended up sitting there for most of the ride. And that's it for questions. How lame.
Commercials. How the hell did Ralph Fiennes and Stanley Tucci end up in a clearly insipid movie with Jennifer Lopez?
When we return, Chris blathers to us that the show wasn't just about the women getting to know Aaron; it was also about the women getting to know each other. Actually, given Aaron's non-responsiveness, the women probably know each other better than they do Aaron. Chris offers a little poll about the bachelorettes to see how well they know each other. Which bachelorette spent the most time in front of the mirror? They all point at each other. The answer is Kyla, whose face is now the color of a pumpkin. That's just not right. Somebody needs to stop her. How can somebody so obsessed with her own appearance be that oblivious? Her face isn't even the same color as the rest of her body. Kyla explains that she changes her outfits all the time. Who was the biggest camera hog? Everybody agrees that it was Suzanne. Suzanne pretends that she has no idea why they'd all think that about her. Who was the biggest gossip? Brunette Heather. Everybody agrees. They just call her "Texas" to differentiate her from the other Heather. Heh.
This happens to be the segue for pulling Brunette Heather up to the hot seat so we can all replay the other crazy contestant's behavior. We get another clip show. Heather cringe-inducingly tells us all that she has this all "locked up." She has a "game plan" and she definitely wants a victory. This woman is so screwed up. I can't even begin to entangle the thought processes that would cause someone to behave this way. Personally, I think she's loopier than Christi. Christi will grudgingly admit that she's emotional. Heather's the one who made the comment in her initial interview about wanting "a big rock." Of course, if she had snagged Aaron, she would have gotten two. During the first evening, Heather worries that all the women are really pretty, so she has a lot of competition.
, they show some previously unseen clips of Heather cooking for all the women. She cooks quite a bit. She tells us that she's thinking that if the other women keep eating her food, then they may not fit into their fancy dresses anymore. You'd think a beauty queen like herself would be familiar with the slimming magic of bulimia. In the kitchen, Frances jokes that Heather's going to make them all fat. Heather jokes that this is, indeed, her strategy. They repeat Heather's quotes about how this is kind of like a pageant for her, but instead of fighting for a crown, she's fighting for a man. Frightening. The women all toast Heather for cooking for them. Heather jokes that they were still able to get into their dresses that week, so her plan didn't work.
Heather tells us all that she thrives on competition, as we cut to her embarrassingly awkward spa date with Aaron. They replay Heather throwing herself at an uninterested Aaron. They replay Aaron telling us that he didn't see any chemistry with her. We get the picture-in-picture of tonight's Heather, who has this sort of tight-lipped mild grimace, like she's trying not to react to this. They replay that lengthy speech from Heather about seeing the house and the kids and the careers with Aaron. They did a hysterical parody of that very speech on Saturday Night Live, where Rachel Dratch extended it to include Aaron beginning to work late at night and running off to have an affair. Aaron tells us again that they didn't have any chemistry. Heather cries and tells us that she'll be okay, eventually. Once she pops a few percosets and washes them down with tequila.
The audience applauds Heather's delusions. I just realized that Heather is wearing black leather pants. Chris points out that Heather was "in it to win it." Heather says that she did compare it all to a basketball game or a pageant, but insists that she was there to have fun. She says that she didn't expect Aaron to be "of the character that he was," and that she let her guard down. What "character" is she even talking about? The guy is a human cipher. I think that's what some women like about him. He's so blank that it's easy to project their idealized personality traits upon him. He smiles at her, so that means he's charismatic. He kisses her, so that means he's romantic. He cracks a joke once, so that means he's charming and funny. Chris says that Heather seemed rather emotional. She insists that she's not, and jokes that Christi's the emotional one. Foreshadowing and Irony chuckle from the control room and make out a question for one of the audience members to ask later. Heather thinks that she's strong. She's wrong. She's wrong. She says that people are so used to seeing her be "strong," that they don't expect her to have emotions. No, I imagine that they don't expect her to have the type of erratic display of emotions that she exhibits. That's because we tend to assume people are sane until we find out otherwise.
Giving up all pretense that he has any competence as an interviewer, Chris simply asks Heather what's running through her mind. She's probably thinking, "There's that saying, 'If you love someone, set them free.' Aaron set me free. That must mean that he loves me!" Actually, she's not happy that Aaron didn't tell her that he wasn't feeling what she was feeling. She rightfully points out that "it takes two to tango," and says that she thinks Aaron's behavior was hurtful. I do remember that he had made a number of sexually suggestive comments to her on that date that I would have taken as interest, were I in her shoes. I wouldn't even have to be crazy. Chris foreshadows, "What if you could see Aaron again. What would you say to him?" Heather says she'd ask Aaron why he wasn't honest with her. Great, now I'm pre-recapping stuff. She points out that she's a person and has feelings. If you prick her, does she not bleed? If you don't give her a rose, does she not have a nervous breakdown? Chris thanks her for answering his questions and sends her back to the sofa to Angela. Nobody cares about Angela. She lasted longer on the show than Christi and Heather, but nobody cares what her experiences on the show were like.
Chris opens the floor to questions from the audience. Foreshadowing and Irony's agent stands up to ask the women if any of them gained any weight from Heather's cooking. Everybody laughs. Frances jokes that Heather's cooking and the trick with the hairspray -- where she convinced the women to spray their bodies in order to get tans, but they got sunburned instead -- was part of her strategy. Everybody laughs. Except Heather, who suddenly bursts into tears. The hell? Okay, I'm having a sudden bout of compassion. Don't worry, it won't last long. I think what's actually happening here is that Heather was actually more emotionally affected by watching Aaron's comments about her again than she let on, and she finally lost it when Frances made that harmless joke. I mean, I think Heather's crazy, but she's not that crazy. Still, get a grip, crazy lady! Okay, the compassion's gone. Everybody gets uncomfortable when they realize Heather's crying. Angela tries to calm Heather down. Chris has this nasty little smirk on his face when he asks Heather why she's crying. Heather insists that what Frances says was "just hurtful." Everyone looks confused, because, of course, Heather was making the same damned jokes to begin with. And, you know, if you're going to treat all these women as competition for some strange guy that you want to win like a trophy, you can suck it up for a little trash talk. Heather insists that she was just cooking to be the "mother hen," and that se wasn't actually trying to make anybody fat. Frances insists that she was kidding. Chris points out that Frances made the same joke Heather did. Heather goes on this long rant about how she worked so hard to make macaroni and cheese for everybody all the time, and it was her "hardest recipe." I'd go, "Huh?" except I know that Alton Brown spent an entire episode of Good Eats explaining how to make good mac and cheese, so Heather must have been doing it the long way. I seem to have struck a Food Network theme in this week's recap. Frances apologizes and assures Heather that she didn't mean her comments seriously as Angela gives Heather a comforting hug. Chris sends us to commercials, still smirking that at least somebody cried during the episode. Barbara Walters is quaking in her boots, I'm sure.
When we return from the break, Chris Hyperbole tells us that we were all "stunned" when Anindita decided to walk out during the second rose ceremony. Frances followed her out, yet that somehow goes unmentioned. Chris then snarkily adds that some were happy to see Anindita go. Speak for yourself, buddy. Chris asks Anindita why she came on the show at all if she was so set on leaving. Anindita says she came on the show because she thought it would be fun. She says that she "bagged" on the show because she didn't like Aaron. Hee. She doesn't sugarcoat it at all. She says that she thought she was "respecting the process" by walking out rather than waiting for a rose. Chris asks her why she accepted the rose from Aaron on the first night. Anindita says that she didn't know what to expect from Aaron based on just the first evening. She says she thought to herself, "If they picked this guy to be the bachelor, he must be pretty fantastic." Did she even watch the first season? She says that she stuck around, but the Napa date pretty much did her in. She says that Aaron accused her of "stirring the pot," but points out, "he was the one sticking his tongue in two girls' mouths." She insists that she was just calling it like she saw it. Everyone cheers Anindita. This won't stop them all from collectively drooling and shrieking when Aaron makes his "surprise" appearance. Morons.
Chris brings up the conflict between Christi and Suzanne, and sends us off to another clip show. We go back to the first night with the women. Suzanne congratulates Christi for her Miss Idaho crown, then cattily points out that there aren't many women in that state. Nasty as it was, this appears to be the only pissy comment Suzanne makes to Christi, yet it's enough to cause a permanent grudge for Christi. It's that sensitive, tender heart of hers. It's in so much pain that she has no choice but to try to destroy Suzanne utterly. Christi tells the camera that she wishes she had the supernatural power to make Suzanne go away. Actually, it turned out that she did, strangely enough. We replay Christi's eye rolling at Napa Valley, and Anindita calling her out about it. We see Suzanne and Aaron making out, while Christi insists to the others that Suzanne doesn't like him. Suzanne tells the camera it doesn't bother her at all that Aaron kissed Christi after kissing her. It doesn't cancel out their make-out session or anything. In some unseen footage, Suzanne tells the other women back at the Malibu Dream House about the incident, explaining that everything's okay now. Christi rolls her eyes and practically bursts into tears again. Christi tells the camera that Suzanne wanted to "belittle" the experience and "make it mean less," and Christi didn't like that because it meant a lot to her. What? She wanted to wallow in her own freak-out? Suzanne was trying to do you a favor by making you seem less crazy, you idiot. Never mind. She's going to blame Suzanne for her own behavior. Suzanne has scary witch powers. She's evil!
Christi tells us that she wrote in her journal the night after she met Aaron that she could marry him. Yikes. Reee! Reee! Reee! Reee! Suzanne turns around and tells us that she's not like Christi at all, and isn't all throwing herself at Aaron. Prior to the rose ceremony where Suzanne was rejected, Christi told Aaron that she doesn't like to say bad things about people, but insists that Suzanne behaved differently on the date than she did in the house. People who say that they don't like to say bad things about people absolutely love to say bad things about people. Christi says that everything Suzanne did was about the cameras. She was always playing up to the cameras. So essentially, Suzanne's a typical reality-show participant. She wants to be on television and stupidly thinks that this show is going to get her noticed. They replay Aaron choosing Christi over Suzanne in the second ceremony. They replay Christi's psycho sore-winner quotes about how much she hoped that Suzanne wouldn't get a rose.
Back at the stage, Chris asks Suzanne her feelings about this. She claims that she was completely oblivious to all of this conflict swirling about her. She says she really thought it was all Anindita's fault, and had no idea she was speaking the truth. Suzanne says that Christi was saying things about her that weren't true. Christi insists that Suzanne wasn't oblivious. Suzanne says that she liked Christi and didn't understand where the animosity was coming from. Chris asks Christi where the animosity came from. She says that it was all due to the catty Miss Idaho comment. Suzanne insists that was a joke. Some woman named Cari who was allegedly a participant on the show interrupts to say that she and her friends snark at each other all the time, but even they thought Suzanne's "joke" was a bit harsh. Camille (who?) says that there were a couple of women there who were giving off competitive "I'm gonna beat you" vibes, and Suzanne was one of them. Suzanne insists to us that she really had no intention of winning, and thought she was going to get cut the first night. Nobody there believes her. Camille insists that Suzanne had "the game face on." No, that was just some ugly flower she was wearing around her neck. Chris asks them if they regret anything they said. Nobody does.
Commercials. There really should be more ads with talking giraffes, if at all possible. Make a note, Madison Avenue.
When we return, Chris asks the women who they think is going to win -- Helene or Brooke. The women seem to be evenly divided on the matter. Kyla says she thought it would be Gwen, which is going to serve as a segue to talk about Gwen's experiences. This is so coached. Before Chris talked to Heather, he asked the women who gossiped the most, knowing that they'd say her. Now Kyla just mentions Gwen so that Chris can call her up to talk?
The audience shrieks and goes wild as Gwen joins Chris. I just don't know how anybody could work up any sort of reaction at all to this woman. I warn you that I'm probably going to be writing part of this recap while asleep. Gwen's so dull. Chris points out that it seemed like Gwen and Aaron were living some fairy tale. One that was mandated by the network's owners. But they didn't get their happy ending. And we get to relive all the "drama" in a clip show. Aaron meets Gwen. Gwen hopes that she's exactly what Aaron is looking for in a woman. Aaron and Gwen get the [product-placed fairy tale] date. Aaron and Gwen talk about how strongly they feel toward each other. They show up for school naked, realizing they hadn't studied, and today is their final exam. Oh, sorry. I was dreaming. They're in a hot tub! How could they have not shown Gwen with Aaron in the hot tub before? I might have been more surprised when she got cut if they had shown that. Gwen tells us that she's falling for Aaron as the mist around Niagara Falls turns her hair into a tangled mess and makes her forehead look even larger than ever. They kiss all over the place. They're attacked by zombies who have lobsters where their hands should be. Aaron and Gwen make out some more. Just before the rose ceremony, Aaron meets with Gwen, who tells him that she thinks he's very smart and respects his opinions. Aaron suddenly boggles his eyes, like he's thinking, "She's supposed to be telling me that she can't live without me, not that she can respect my opinions." And then he doesn't give her a rose. Then he tells Gwen that he doesn't know if he made the right decision, and admits that he's falling for one of the other women. The zombies with lobster hands take Gwen away to meet the ghost of Chris Farley, who tells her the ingredients in the Colonel's secret recipe. Cumin is the important one, he says.
Okay, I'm up! I'm up! The applause woke me back up. We head back to the stage. Chris Hyperbole explains that Gwen's got a lot of fans, and that many of the women are surprised to see her here. Is she surprised? She is. She recaps for us the deliberation-room meetings, and I'm nodding off again. Gwen says that she wasn't going to beg for a rose. It's not her style. She says she only wants a rose if it's "real." Chris asks if she still has feelings for Aaron. She says that there are unresolved blah blah blah and she doesn't know if she'll ever truly understand what happened blah blah blah and I keep hoping that I'll dream that she transforms into Vin Diesel and crawls out of my television to ravish me, but it's not happening. Essentially, Gwen says that she doesn't really know what Aaron's feelings were. Nobody knows what Aaron's feelings are. I don't think he has any feelings. Chris asks whether Gwen thinks the revelation that she was married before affected Aaron's decision. She doesn't think so. She blathers on that she learned from the experience, and that it's part of who she is. Then she starts singing Abba's "Lay All Your Love on Me" as an octopus with the face of Fred Savage starts strangling Chris to death.
Commercials. When we return, Chris tells the women that he has a surprise for them. It's The Bachelor! Aaron! Aren't you surprised? The people in the audience go fucking berserk as Aaron walks out. Each and every one of the audience members should be lobotomized for the good of mankind. Aaron strides out, giving a double take over in Christi's direction, probably to make sure she's not armed. The audience continues to shriek. People take pictures. I cry. Every woman who has spent her adult dating life trying to avoid men like Aaron cries.
Aaron sits to Chris Hyperbole, who calls Aaron a "brave, brave soul" for showing up. Shut up, Chris. Aaron says he's glad to be there. Everybody cheers. Shut up, everybody. Chris starts the interview by asking Aaron what happened with Gwen. Aaron smiles at Gwen, causing people in the audience to go "Awww." See, they're totally projecting. It was just a smile. It's the most superficial friendly gesture one can make, but everyone's projecting several different layers of meaning onto it. Aaron re-re-re-recaps the five-minute conversations with the women from the end of last episode. He says that he talked to the other women, and they were "more open than [they] had been" (read: "telling me how much they wanted me"). Aaron says, "Gwen wasn't putting herself out there as much as Helene and Brooke did. And that was the basis for my decision." Dipshit. Has he ever "put himself out there" for any of the women? No. His declarations of attraction sound like campaign promises. Gwen says that she though those last five minutes had something to do with Aaron's decision. She says that she wouldn't have changed her behavior, though, because she wanted Aaron to "follow [his] heart" and make his own decision. She didn't want to influence him. Aaron gets even further up my ass by claiming that he made his decision based more on "[his] perceptions of how [she] felt about [him] than [his] feelings for [her]." Everybody in the crowd goes "awww," like this was all a tragedy of miscommunication. It wasn't. Shut up, crowd. Gwen was very clear when she said that she was attracted to Aaron. She gave Aaron the opening he needed when she said she'd respect whatever decision he made. His decision was never about love. There was no damned fairy-tale romance. He dumped her because he knew she wouldn't make him look bad and he wouldn't have to deal with any real conflict about it. It was the path of least resistance. Gwen starts to tear up a little and tells Aaron that she wishes he knew...something...but doesn't complete the thought. Aaron doesn't respond -- just looks at Gwen with his glazed, emotionless eyes.
Chris points out that Christi's crying again. She's not really. But this is Chris Hyperbole's idea of a segue. Christi has a question for Aaron. God, now she's going to blame Aaron for what happened in Napa Valley. She claims that the media is dealing with her behavior "with such a negative spin." Aaron asks her to be more specific. She means the Fatal Attraction comment. Yeah, I'm sure that if Aaron hadn't made that comment, the press would be all, "That Christi was such a nice girl. Aaron should pick her." It was you, Christi. It was all your behavior. It wasn't some comment from Aaron or Suzanne or Anindita. The CIA didn't perform mind experiments on you. Aliens aren't manipulating your tear ducts. It was you. You, you, you. Aaron non-answers that Christi's behavior did "freak [him] out a little bit." He says he didn't know how to deal with it. Christi says she understands. She's thinking, "He talked to me! He still loves me! Take that, Suzanne!"
Now it's time for the other crazy contestant, Heather. Heather wants to know why Aaron didn't say anything the whole time while she was mauling him on the spa date. If I didn't hate Aaron before, this statement would have totally secured it for me: "In the pursuit of being open-minded, I was hoping to that things would turn around. My friends really liked you...everybody at the house raved about you. Given the situation, there are things I might have done differently. Of course, that doesn't help the situation now." See, he was just being open-minded. We could all see how open-minded he was when he was constantly recoiling from Heather's touch. And he wasn't leading Heather on when he joked a couple of times about wanting to see her naked. He was just trying to jump-start that chemistry. Asshole.
Chris opens the "floor" for more questions. Dana -- one of the mostly ignored bachelorettes -- asks Aaron if he has any regrets, or if he would have changed anything. People in the audience shout out, "Gwen!" And then Chris moves on to another question without even giving Aaron the opportunity to answer. The hell? Maybe Chris knows that Aaron wasn't going to answer it anyway. Anindita asks how Aaron feels now about this "whole process." Aaron says he doesn't have any regrets. Why should he? He's got women throwing themselves at him, trying to get into his pants. Chris thanks Aaron for coming out and showing us all how big a tool he is. Chris sends him out to the insane cheers of the brain-damaged audience.
After Aaron's gone, Chris Hyperbole tells us all that the big question on everybody's mind is "Who's it going to be?" Will it be Helene or Brooke? It's not going to be either of them right now. It's going to be commercials.
After the commercials, Chris Hyperbole treats us to a clip show about the adventures of Helene and Brooke. Brooke arrives at the house; Aaron tells us that Brooke's "a cutie." He thinks she's "smokin'." Oh, and she has a nice personality and accent, too. But it's very obvious how superficial his response to Brooke was. He thought she was hot. He gives Brooke roses. He tells us all how comfortable they are around each other. He says she's got a "positive aura" about her. They hang out in hot tubs. Brooke calls him a knight in shining armor. Montage of hugs and kisses. Aaron tells us that Brooke is a beautiful person. Especially her ass.
In Helene's clips, Aaron tells us that she was impressed with Helene to begin with. He says she's intelligent, but also has "an awesome body." So romantic. Aaron lies that he likes it when Helene interrogates him. They replay Helene pushing Aaron about his non-responsiveness in the hot tub. We hear her awful laugh some more. They dance and hug. Helene tells us that she's been guarded, but that she is going to "give it her all." Aaron says he's seeing the "true Helene" now. Helene tells Aaron that he's perfect for her. Aaron tells us that there are so many great things about Helene. It's hard to find anything wrong with her. Well, when all you're interested in is a woman who isn't crazy and has a nice ass, it's easy to hit the jackpot. No wonder he's constantly declaring how hard it is to decide whom to cut. They make out in the hot tub. Aaron tells us that he doesn't know who he's going to choose. He says he doesn't want to look back and regret any of his decisions. He says he hopes that he'll be able to build a relationship with whomever he chooses. We see Aaron in a suit, staring at some ring that he allegedly bought himself. Because he's an achiever, that Aaron. He can afford a ring!
Back on the stage, Chris Hyperbole assures us that over the week, across America, people will have opinions. That's true. Sadly, too many people will have stronger opinions about which woman Aaron should choose than whether or not we should go to war with Iraq. He concludes that in the end, it will be Aaron's decision. Whether to go to war with Iraq? Oh, which woman he chooses. Yes, we all know, idiot. Shut up, Chris. I liked you better when you were just a CGI rendition.
week: A season finale we'll never forget. Shut. Up. Liar. Aaron brings the women home to meet his family. Brooke says that God wants her to marry Aaron. Aaron stares at a pool. Aaron explains to us that he's going to have to break up with one of the woman. Duh. Who will Aaron choose? Why is the show going to be two hours long? Where can Shack score some drugs to make it through that many exaggerations, outright lies, and stupid repetitions?
During the end credits, we get a montage of Aaron kissing the girls and shoving them all into hot tubs. That may or may not be a shout-out.