So, week three, and I still have not suffered the car accident that I pray for that would excuse me from my Bachelor-weecapping duties. Is one non-fatal, non-long-term-consequences car accident too much to ask for? Curse you, Jason Mesnick, you "handsome single dad," you.
Chris Harrison greets the women in the morning, which must be nice for them, because they clearly don't feel the need to get all dolled up for him. Chris tells them there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates this week, and then he outlines what the rules are on those dates, because he thinks the women are idiots who can't remember, much like the show's producers think the audience can't remember either. He leaves them with their first "date card," and then strolls out, saying he hopes to see them all at the rose ceremony later. Which he will anyway, barring any contestant from thinking up an excuse to get the rock out of there.
Anyway, the date is for Stephanie. "Finally! Finally, finally!" she says. Think she's excited? In an interview, Megan whines that she thought she'd get a date, and is worried about the rose ceremony if she hasn't gotten any face time with him yet. She gripes that she didn't leave her son behind to spend time with the girls. Actually, that's exactly what you did. But here we go again with Megan's "I'm more special because I have a kid" routine again.
Stephanie talks about her daughter losing her father, and also that it's her daughter's birthday today, the day of the date. "I really miss her. However, what an opportunity for her mommy!" Also, she presumes her late husband is smiling down from heaven. I promise that if I die and my wife goes on The Bachelor, I will rise from the dead and get my revenge.
Jason says he and Stephanie relate because they have a common bond: she went through tragedy and is a single mom, and he's a single dad. He seems to be comparing DeAnna dumping his ass to Stephanie's husband being killed in a plane crash. This is what he does. He compares Stephanie's tough time (dead spouse) to what he's gone through (dumped a couple of times). I don't have any words for this.
So the date consists of Jason and Stephanie strolling on the beach, and he asks about Sophia, and then is all, "Hey, what's that over there?" And it's like with the blimp: he is the absolute worst at pretending to notice something. He sounds like he's struggling not to give it away by saying, "That's totally not your daughter running this way, right?"
But it is Sophia, bless her sweet heart, all blonde pigtails and legs pumping up and down and open-mouthed elation at seeing her mommy. Stephanie shrieks and runs towards her daughter, and they collide in such a manner that I thought Sophia might have a concussion. I do know that having your daughter happily race to jump into your arms is a feeling unequalled by anything I've yet to experience, so this sequence made me smile despite ABC showing it to me a million times already.
"I am on a cloud right now," Stephanie says in an interview, and in person hugs Jason, saying she's overwhelmed. Jason says it was magical watching Stephanie play with her daughter. No matter what happens, Stephanie will always have this, he says. Yeah, she'll always have the reunion with her daughter provided by the show that NECESSITATED THEIR SEPARATION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
So they take the limo to Legoland, and I am instantly jealous. They have the park all to themselves. There are rides in this park, which I hope aren't made of Lego bricks. That would be irresponsible. Jason says Sophia reminds him of Ty, because they are two kids who love life and love toys, as opposed to the rest of the world's Dickensian waifs who hate life and despise toys. While Sophia plays in a Legoland water park, Stephanie and Jason talk parenting and dating, and Jason says while he's looking for the right woman to be there for Ty, he's not looking for Ty's new mom, and Stephanie understands that. She seems to, based on what she tells Jason to his face, but in interview after interview she's playing up the "we could be creating a new family" angle a little much.
Back at the bachelorette house, Naomi brings in another date card, announcing that the following women are being punished for some reason and have to go on a date with Jason: Shannon, Naomi, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica and Megan. The clue is "Let's get busted for a good cause." "I love it!" says one idiot, and I'd really like to know what exactly she thought that meant. I mean, I know what's going to happen, thanks to ABC's policy of showing highlights a million times before you actually watch the show.
Back at Legoland, Jason picks up a rose that is, in a nice touch, made out of Lego, and gives it to Stephanie. "I think today is a running start into Jason and I falling in love," says Stephanie in an interview. Sophia blows out candles on a birthday cake before her mom sees her off in the limousine. "I had such a fun day with you," Jason tells Sophia, who thanks him, because all females on this show have to thank Jason for things provided by the show itself. Stephanie tears up in an interview. "Where one family was broken, one could be made," she says. So, uh, no pressure, Jason.
Now it's time for the group date, and Jason informs us that while yesterday was all about family, "Today is going to be a sexy date." Melissa's a little interested to see how the group dynamic differs from her one-on-one date, adding that she doesn't want to have to duke it out, but she will if she has to. Back at the house, Natalie says she's glad she didn't go on the group date because "all those girls are annoying," and she's pretty sure she's getting a one-on-one date. Natalie needs to be a little more aware of her own annoyingness.
So: the getting "busted" for a good cause means Jason and the women are going to get plaster casts made of their torsos, which will be auctioned off for Keep A Breast, which works for breast cancer awareness. All the women applaud. Jason goes first, which means he gets to do his nonchalant shirt-removing thing, and the women are mesmerized like a two-year-old watching someone jingle car keys. He needs to be slathered in baby oil so the cast doesn't stick to his body, and Melissa and Erica quickly volunteer to rub the man down.
So the breast cancer awareness is shoved aside in favour of Jason's hot-body awareness. "I like to stare at him," says Shannon. I can easily imagine Shannon standing in the bushes outside his house staring at him.
The women get naked behind colored screens, and in a couple of cases the silhouettes need to get fuzzed out. Jillian says she's really comfortable in her own skin and has no problem being naked. "I'm actually having a good boob day!" says Melissa. Shannon asks Jason to put the plaster on for some one-on-one time. "It felt good for him to rub on my body," she explains. Megan gets a little self-satisfied when she explains that she would do this in the middle of the street if it helps someone. At least Kari talks about her stepsister Ginger being diagnosed with breast cancer, and how it was nice to get to do something for her, so at least she's not focusing on herself or Jason's body. However, I'd like to point out that there's all kinds of opportunities to "so something" for breast cancer or any other charity without waiting for a chance to also get a husband out of the deal.
So the casts are all made, and now the women are designing the art that's going to feature on them. Megan wants to put a FETUS on her bust. In an interview, she calls the other women "shallow as the kiddie pool." Not only that, they "don't understand half of [her] depth or where it comes from." Well, when you say things like, "If everyone is going to have breast cancer, and our children can't breast feed, then our future is screwed," yeah, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say no one has any fucking idea where you're coming from. "Doing something so amazing for breast cancer is fantastic," says Jason. I hate to tell him that even if it's for a worthwhile cause, spending the day rubbing plaster on pretty women's naked bodies doesn't exactly make him Mother Fucking Teresa.
Then it's time for hanging out and determining who gets a rose. Jason says whoever opens up to him the most is going to get one. He sits down with Melissa, who I think is awfully cute and one of the more normal candidates, and they chat about the day. She tells him a secret: when she was seventeen she had a breast reduction because she was 20FF. "I got my Yaya's boobs," she says, and they joke about what the bust today would have looked like. "That's a conversation I never saw coming," Jason says in an interview.
Meanwhile the other women are chatting, with Shannon talking about how the other women are "good conversationists [sic]" and how she doesn't know what to say. "This was my first date with Jason, and I basically took my clothes off and he rubbed my boobs," she says, getting big laughs from the group. But it was for charity, remember, so Jason is now a hero.
Jason sits down with Megan, who tells him how cool the date was. Jason says he thought she was a little quiet. She tells him she was just concentrating. Then she says, "I live my life to serve other people." She serves as a role model for young girls, and I don't make any money doing it," she says, adding, and I'm not exaggerating, that it's driving her crazy to have spent this much time without having someone praise her or thank God she's in their life. This is what she says. Anyway, she was concentrating on her bust so that it could sell for big bucks, and you know, CURE CANCER.
After Erica harangues the rest of the group about how she's so much more perfect for Jason than Megan is, Nikki sits down with Jason and awkwardly talks about how she wanted her bust to be perfect because she's a perfectionist, and in an interview, she admits that things ain't going so well because she tries too hard.
Back at house, Stephanie strolls in with a date card. Lauren, in an interview, BRILLIANTLY theorizes that either herself, Natalie or Molly is going to have a one-on-one date. Yeah, you're the only three left, genius. And it goes to Natalie. "Wear your best dress, and I'll do the rest," reads Stephanie. "I'm so pissed that Natalie is going on the one-on-one date with Jason," says Molly. Meanwhile, Natalie, who needs to lay off the spray-on tan, is happy. Although, if the date had gone to someone else, I'm sure she would have come up with some excuse as to why she was glad she didn't get it.
Back at Boobs R Us, Shannon and Melissa hang out in a huge egg chair and chat, with Shannon lamenting that she's in some kind of funk and hasn't really made any attempts to make any conversation with Jason. Meanwhile, Jillian seems a little bit drunk, and she has a jumping contest with Jason and then shares her epiphany on marriage and that it's not so much finding someone to marry as it is finding someone that you can't bear to be without. Her annoying hotdog theory aside, I'm starting to love Jillian. She's a lot more fun than a lot of them. Jason, in an interview, says that he and Jillian share the same philosophy on marriage.
up, Jason brings the women in to see their finished busts. In an interview, Shannon is still whining about her lack of one-on-one time with Jason, but she doesn't want to be one of those women who just grab him. Which she does now, awkwardly hugging him while everyone looks at their plaster boobs. "Shannon is weird. Get a hold of yourself," says Megan, who says she's embarrassed for her.
But there's a rose to be handed out, and after thanking the women for their passion, Jason gives the rose to Jillian. Nikki's upset. "I'm thinking I'm going home. I don't want to. I want to fall in love. That's the whole reason I came here. It's just frustrating, because I know I'm pretty. I know I'm smart. But being pretty and smart's not enough. You have to be funny," she says. Aw, Nikki. Being funny is a bonus. But being pretty and smart beats ugly and stupid and funny any day. Don't you worry.
Time for the date with Natalie, which Jason helpfully explains is all about getting to know her better. He says he's got some surprises for her, which he thinks she'll appreciate more than the other women. He shows up at the bachelorette pad in a suit, but she's not ready yet, which Melissa lets us know isn't cool. "He's going to get annoyed and frustrated," she says. "You have to win the guy first." Before you annoy and frustrate him, you mean?
Shannon's opinion is that Natalie is too immature and materialistic. But this is kind of what Jason has in mind, because when she's finally ready to go, Jason provides her, with the help of a brute carrying a briefcase, with over a million dollars worth of diamonds to wear on the date, much to the open-mouthed amazement of the rest of the women. Nikki disparages Natalie getting the "princess date" that she wanted, and she hopes that Jason can see that Natalie is materialistic and not ready to be a wife and mother. As for Melissa, she only cares about the diamond that goes on the ring finger.
"Natalie is wearing something that costs over a million dollars, and she's rocking it," says Jason.
The other women wave them off on their date, and then start in with the remarks. Naomi says if the date started off like that, it's safe to say that it's going to be over the top. "Going to be"? In the limousine, Jason toasts a date neither one of them will ever forget. Which turns out to be a jet trip to Las Vegas. In an interview, Natalie says love is why she's here, and she hopes that at some point she and Jason can look at this as when it all started for them.
Back at the house, the women are talking shit about materialistic Natalie, with Megan opining that this date is going to make a big statement about Jason. Erica figures that if this is what he wants, she doesn't see herself ever getting close to him. Stephanie points out that Natalie might not actually reveal that side of herself to Jason (the side that all the women hate, I'm guessing).
Jason and Natalie go from the jet to a helicopter for an aerial tour of Vegas. Natalie's worried that she's going to wake up tomorrow and it will all have been a dream. Jason says it felt kind of like being a celebrity couple, what with the diamonds and the... well, I guess that's it.
Unfortunately, we're going to have to sit through more Vegas shenanigans, featuring the cliché establishing shots. Natalie is quite giddy about all the diamonds on her body, and the wedding chapels in Vegas make her want to elope. Jason feels like he's James Bond, being with the girl that everyone wants. At the restaurant, they toast getting to know each other better. Jason wants to know if there's anything he should know about her, and she offers up that she was always the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes. Wow. Really, digging deep. Oh, and also? She loves bears. Jason's all "what, koala bears? panda bears?" and she says, "No, all bears." And then she tells a ridiculously boring story about leaving a teddy bear behind at a store. In an interview, Jason says he feels like he needs to pull stuff out of Natalie. Unfortunately, he also figures that despite her telling him that she doesn't just want to go out and party every night, he can tell that's what she really wants.
Back at the house, the women inanely discuss whether Jason's attracted to Natalie. This is all stuff that can be cut to make this stupid show LESS THAN TWO HOURS, you know. God.
Then Jason and Natalie go to a nightclub, but apparently there's no one in there but the two of them. Jason asks Natalie if she has a favorite part of the date yet, and she calls it "surreal," and not for the first time, and says it was amazing to be in the helicopter and see all these things "created by nature," like THE HOOVER DAM, she says, I swear to god. Jason toasts one of the best dates he's ever been on. In an interview, Natalie says she and Jason have a great connection, even though there's been no kissing yet.
After dinner, Jason's got another surprise, which is a surprise performance by "Kate Voegele," whoever that is. "Let me begin by saying what I mean," this person sings while Jason and Natalie dance. Jason says he wanted to feel something for her, because she's beautiful and sexy and amazing. This does not bode well at all. Jason says he could tell that she wanted him to kiss her, which was when he knew that it wasn't happening, and he felt bad.
After dancing, they sit down, and he picks up the rose, and talks about a whole host of "amazing" things about her, but he can't give her the rose. "I wanted there to be something tonight. I really did." He says if he kept her here any longer, it wouldn't be fair to her. He says there's not enough commonalities. "I feel like you're still exploring yourself," he says. She snaps that she's ready to be a wife and a mom and she's sick of getting stereotyped because of her appearance. I venture that she's stereotyped as being materialistic because she gushes about shopping and diamonds, but that's just me.
She's clearly pissed, and as they leave the club, she tells him that she's surprised because there are other women in the house who are "mean." She also uses the word "whatever" at one point.
Back at the house, the women are still blathering on about her (well, Shannon is, anyway), and then when some dude comes in to pick up her bags, all the women shriek and grab their drinks and watch the action.
Hee hee! Jason is starting to get an earful now from a very pissed off Natalie, while trying to maintain his sensitive guy appearance. You know, the whole "I know what it feels like because I was there too" routine. Natalie busts on him for being "sneaky" by picking up the rose and talking about all the good stuff. Jason can't very well answer that the producers instructed him to do that, so he stands there and takes it. And if looks could kill, the glance Natalie shoots him when the guy takes the necklace off her would have been the end of him.
"I'm ecstatic that she's gone," proclaims Nikki back at the house. She says that a lot of them there have very similar qualities, so if Natalie came back, it would mean that Jason wouldn't have been interested in Nikki, so she won't cry for Natalie being gone.
Natalie's not doing a whole lot of crying, either. She calls Jason an "idiot" who was probably intimidated by her, and wonders if he wanted her to be all fawning over him, which I hate to tell her is EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID. "I don't mean to be conceited, but fuck that guy, I mean, I got a lot going on. I'm super-attractive. You don't feel a connection with me? What are you, god?" The rest of her rant is a series of bleeps.
So the party is in full swing at the bachelorette mansion now that Natalie is gone, although Lauren is absolutely disgusted by the way the claws really came out after Natalie was eliminated, and she hopes Jason can see that. For his part, he says Natalie didn't name any names, but he doesn't want to be with anyone causing fights. Bad news, Erica!
Sitting down with Naomi, Jason clues her in to the fact that Natalie let on that there are some not very good people in the mansion, and Naomi deflects it and points out that all the women were waiting to see if Natalie came back, because that would really set the tone. Then she obliquely lets Jason know that she's only slept with one other guy before, and then they make out, and I'm reminded again of what a travesty this show makes of romance.
After Erica teases Naomi for missing some lip gloss, Nikki talks about how some of the other women have been a lot more intimate with Jason and how she wants to show him her "sexy side," which, considering what she's already shown, I'm worried is going to melt my television. They sit down to talk, with Jason horndoggedly complimenting her cleavage-baring dress, and he talks about how much he loves change, and Nikki pretends she loves that, too, only to about-face and admit that she's super-duper organized after Jason says she seems like the type to have everything labelled. She puckers up ridiculously awkwardly, like Napoleon-Dynamite-awkward for a kiss, and Jason guides her into something a little bit more genuine. Because only on this show is romance defined as, "This guy has been intimate with a lot of women recently, so I need to step it up and get intimate with him, too." In Nikki's defense, she says she hasn't kissed anyone but her ex-boyfriend in the past eleven years.
Now it's Erica's turn to sit down with him and ask him how he handled it when he wasn't sure if he was getting a rose. Jason points out that he never got a rose on a group date, which makes Erica feel better. Really? I'd like to point out to Erica that he also didn't get to put a ring on DeAnna's finger, so explain to me why you feel better now? Then she busts on him for checking out her boobs, and I'd also like to point out to Erica that if Jason were going on personality alone she would have been gone, like, before this season started. In an interview, Jason maintains that he was checking out the color of her dress.
After the women bust on poor, sweet, poetic Kari for not making any kind of move on Jason, the bachelor himself strolls in to pluck Molly away for a chat. She tells him she's getting butterflies now when he's around, and he tells her not to be nervous. Fearful that she appears to be anything other than what he wants her to me, Molly starts blathering. "It's a really good, comfortable nervous," says Molly, impressively doing her best to put the "moron" in "oxymoron." He says some shit, she says some back, and they start kissing again, with Molly gushing in an interview about his soft, sweet kisses.
She goes back to the group and tells them that Natalie said there were some not-nice people in the house, and the rest of the women take a break from talking shit about Natalie to cluck their tongues over how awful Natalie is for talking shit about other people. Megan piously says she would just bow out gracefully, so I guess it was another Megan who likes nothing better than to point out how not-ready all the other women are to be married or mothers. Shannon says she feels like she could throw up, and she looks like it too.
After the commercial break, Shannon has scurried off to her room, with a concerned Jillian knocking on the door to see if she's okay. Shannon appears to recover enough to be available when Jason wants some one-on-one time, which she then squanders by whining about how hard the last couple of days have been without face-time with Jason. She says last season when she saw him with DeAnna, she wanted to jump through the television, and she cried, and she wants to lie on the couch with him in her pyjamas and ask how his day his been, and other such I'm-already-way-too-obsessed-type of stuff. Jason tells her to "keep that going" because he is mean or an idiot. "I just want to be real. I'm real," she says. And how do you express just how ready you are to be a mother? Don't just say you're ready. Say you're "so" ready.
Jason has a boring conversation with Stephanie about how great the date was, and then she asks him to close his eyes, and she leans in and kisses him, and thanks him for the beautiful memory, and she goes on like this with the gratitude for Jason that I had to stop typing because I was throwing up too much.
In the group, Megan is talking about ... oh, who cares. Who REALLY cares. Someone comments that Lauren is being awfully quiet, and in an interview Lauren talks about how bad some of the women were upon finding out that Natalie was gone, and she hopes she gets a chance to talk to him.
Which she does! Megan decries all the trash-talking and backstabbing, by bitching about how she thinks Lauren threw her under the bus. Sure enough, Jason is asking Lauren, too, about exactly who are the mean bitches that Natalie was alluding to. Lauren says she doesn't see Jason with either of the two drama queens, Erica or Megan. Erica's immature and lives with her parents, she says, while Megan is just mean and Lauren is actually afraid of her. Like physically afraid and will wind up with a black eye if Megan finds out about this conversation, she explains. Oh, and also Nikki said that if Natalie had come back, she herself would have gone home. Lauren admits to Jason that if Megan or Erica is Jason's type, then she herself is not Jason's type.
Megan thinks this is all (bleep): "Lauren just stabbed me in the back." Some people are such good actors, and if she goes home tonight it'll be totally premature, she says.
Lauren comes back to the group and explains that Natalie ratted on women (she erroneously thinks that Natalie named names), and after Lauren points out that a lot of the women did throw Natalie under the bus yesterday, which they did, Megan pointedly says she'd lose any respect for anyone who tattled to Jason about anything. I can safely say that there are few things that would worry me less than not having Megan's respect. "Like, what are you, five?" says Megan, staring daggers at Lauren.
Jason, in an interview, says the rose ceremony is going to be tough, because Erica and Megan were identified as troublemakers, but he hasn't seen anything negative.
So it's deliberation time with Jason and Chris, and this is, I think, the first time I've seen this happen without Chris coming into the room and dragging the bachelor/ette away. He and Jason talk about what a struggle this is tonight because of what Natalie said. I'm way more surprised that Jason didn't just bring in the plaster busts to help him make a decision. "There's just so much drama going on right now that it's clouding my decision."
Rose ceremony time! Jason comes out, and Chris says there's a lot of drama going on, and a tough decision for Jason to make. In an unusual move, Chris invites the women to speak up and say whatever they think Jason needs to hear in order to make his decision.
Silence for a moment, before Erica says she's shocked, since she thought they all got along. That's hilarious, given her run-in with Megan, but her little speech about Natalie seems to be an attempt to chalk Natalie's comments up to bitterness on the part of the person who really wasn't right for Jason, as opposed to any of them still left. Nikki joins in with the, "yeah, we've worked everything out" bullshit, with a "what you talkin' bout, Jason!" look on her face. Megan pipes up to say she was really disappointed to find out people had been "talking trash" about her. How surprised could she have been, since the women tried to vote her out the very first night? "Lauren threw me under the bus with Jason. That just made me feel like I need to be a bitch," says Megan in an interview, without offering any reason as to what her excuse for being a bitch has been before now. Then again, she's probably just feeling out of sorts because it's been a while since anyone has praised her or thanked God that Megan is in her life.
Megan blah-blahs, and then Lauren blah-blahs, and so does Erica, and then Chris asks who has a problem with Megan: "Because obviously someone does." Lauren says this isn't the time or the place to get into it, which kinda gives the answer away right there, and she and Megan bicker for a little bit about it, while Molly looks uncomfortable and Shannon rolls her eyes a million times. Lauren says she just offered Jason her opinion. Megan says she didn't tell Jason anything she's not comfortable sharing right then and there. Shannon stomps off, saying, "I hate it here," and heads for the bathroom, while the other women pretend to be concerned. From the bathroom, we hear Shannon barfing. Out of respect for her puke, we don't even get any, "Coming up!" scenes heading into the commercial break. Finally, someone on this show reacts the same way the audience does.
Jason knocks on the door. "Hey, Shannon, can I get you anything?" Breathsavers? Scope? She comes out, saying she was really sick, but she's okay now. "Everybody reacts to situations differently," says Jason. Megan, in an interview, wonders why Shannon just can't have fun. Instead, she's all, "'This sucks. This is so hard.' That's all I hear out of her fuckin' mouth." You stay classy, Megan. Remember, you're a role model who lives to serve, and who doesn't go a day without being praised. Oh, and Shannon's a selfish, self-absorbed, high-maintenance piece of (bleep). It's comforting knowing young women have someone like Megan to look up to.
Jason gives Shannon a hug, so they can get back to the rose ceremony. Well, after one last trip. Megan gives her a little comfort. Not that she's being hypocritical for Jason's benefit to the selfish, self-absorbed high-maintenance piece of bleep, though, right? Chris says he hoped all this has helped Jason with his decision. Unless Jason says, "You know what? Fuck this show, I'm out of here," then the drama hasn't really helped at all.
Who gets roses? Jason thanks everyone for opening up. I have to say I'd wish more of them would shut the fuck up from time to time. First rose: Molly. Then Lauren. Melissa. "Yay!" she says. "Yay!" says I. Naomi. Shannon. Jason probably just doesn't want Shannon to throw up anymore. Nikki. Final rose comes down to Megan, Erica or Kari. Please, let it be Kari. Instead, it goes to Megan. "Stop it right now," she says. Couldn't agree more. Kari looks stunned, Erica looks pissed. "To my ladies," she says, hugging a couple before hugging Jason. She says she came here to marry Jason and be a stepmom to Ty. "It's hard. It's hard to pick up a broken heart," says Kari. She says she should have opened up more and been more flirty or whatever. Erica says she's disappointed. "Megan wanted to cause a little drama," she says, and then proceeds to bitch about the other women who pretended to be her friend. Or something. I don't know. I'm excited because she's not going to be on my television week. Lose Megan (and then Shannon), and I'll almost start to enjoy this show!
Closing credits see Shannon performing impressions of the other women, much to the delight of the other women, and much to my surprise being genuinely funny and likable and not all the pukey stalker that she's being portrayed as. Well, someone's got to be the pukey stalker.
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