Previously on The Producers Giveth And The Producers Taketh Away, Blessed Be The Name Of Bettina: Bikinis. Bling. Jenni: "You suck, Bettina." Hillar-ventilating.
Coming up: Brad visits the families of the Final Four; Sars gets hit by a lightning bolt for using a Bible verse in connection with this show.
We open with some Brad-in-the-shower porn as Brad gets ready to go on the hometown visits and VOs about wanting to feel like family with his prospective in-laws. Cut to Wichita, KS. Jenni is waiting for Brad outside some sort of hideous concrete-bunker structure that I really hope is not her family abode. She talks about how she's psyched for Brad to meet/get the third degree from her fam. They greet each other; she's all excited, which is cute. It turns out the bunker is a dance center, which Jenni's invited him to because she's spent a lot of time there and won her first dance competition there. She tells him about how dancing is her life, and shares a couple of anecdotes, and she's cute about it in that "getting to knoooowww youuuuuu, getting to know all abouuuut youuuuuu" kind of way, but…it's boring. JVO: "Dancing is the passion of my life. And I'm really really good at it." Hee. Good for her. Not that the whole "Jenni's career might make their relationship a long-distance one, aiieeeee" leitmotif doesn't get super-old in about 12 seconds, but it's nice to see that apologizing for having a career doesn't appear to occur to her.
Anyway, she shows off some dance moves and is kind of embarrassed about it. Brad promises not to laugh but totally does anyway, and Brad VOs about whether a long-distance relationship can work. After she's done frugging, she and Brad talk about what happens if she gets the Phoenix Suns job -- which, as of these tapings, she apparently hadn't yet -- and he says it "worries" him because it "felt like for-e-ver" after a week away from her, what if feelings fade long-distance, et cetera. Jenni doesn't think her feelings would change, and points out that trying to work with the LDR would show her that he's willing to compromise for her, plus she'd have something to look forward to. Then it's about time to meet the family, and Brad asks how long since Jenni brought a guy home (two years or so) and says he's getting nervous.
Coming up : "Hello, Gruff Granny Casting Agency. …Sure, sure, we've got just the thing. …No, we'll provide the t-shirt."
Commercials, then Brad and Jenni head over to Truvy's Beauty Spot. Okay, not really, but it's Jenni's mom's hair salon, where they'll be doing the family meet-up because, Jenni sort-of-not-really explains, her mom's house is too small. Bradterview tells us, over footage of Brad walking in and meeting everyone, that he felt super-anxious, "these people may very well be my future in-laws," and so on. His VO courteously introduces us to everyone while, onscreen, he gives hugs and shakes hands; it appears that Jenni's dad is wearing a pair of those glasses that darken outdoors and then lighten up inside, and yet it is not he who is the awesome one, oh no. That, my friends, is Jenni's crinkly little pistol of a grandmother, who is wearing a "Honest To Goodness 100% Grandma" t-shirt and who jumps up Brad's ass immediately. She's not mean; she's just old and she's through mincing words. At the lunch table, after Brad awkwards through a short history of his background and the family business, Grandma wants to know if he's a drinker. He flounders for a bit, and out of frame you can hear Jenni's sister groaning, "Grand-ma" (hee), and Brad is like, "Well, I drink, but I'm not 'a drinker,' it's more that…you know, forget it," and says instead that he's "probably the most boring bar guy you will ever meet." Jenni's dad asks about nieces and nephews, and Brad is in the high weeds again, repeating himself umpteen ways about how he wants a billion babies, at which time Grandma rolls her eyes and grunts, "That little lady ain't no walkin' baby factory." Jenni buries her face in her hands all, "Augh," but she's laughing -- everyone is, and Brad's like, no no, I don't think that at all. Grandma tells him he better treat Jenni right or she'll run him over in her Jazzy, or words to that effect.
Then Mom takes Brad in back for a shampoo -- which is good, because his emo Tin-Tin 'do is on the nutty side today. Seeming embarrassed that she's even asking, Mom wants to know if he meets women, running bars as he does, and he says he really doesn't, although nobody believes him when he says that; he's there to work. Then he smartly adds that he doesn't meet anyone like Jenni hardly ever, and praises her accomplishments.
In another room, Jenni's sister re-irons Jenni's hair and quizzes her on whether Brad's a good kisser (hee) and if Jenni's falling in love. Jenni says she likes him a lot, but with Brad meeting the whole family, now it's seeming more like love.
Out on the porch, Dad asks Brad about his goals; Brad starts to talk about real estate, but Dad says he didn't have to get specific, he just wanted to know that Brad has goals at all. Then there's some gross "I'll take good care of her, sir"/"she can always call Daddy if you don't" business, and Dad advises Brad that Grandma can't fuck him up too bad if Brad can "stay out of reach" of Grandma (that's damn right). Dadterview: Brad fits in with us, and I'm fine with it if he's Jenni's choice. Back at the table, Dad raises a glass to "Jennifer," and to the fact that she made the dance team. Jenni's excited, but mixed feelings LDR blah.
Time for another talk about the LDR problem. Jenni tells him she loves dancing and "I have to do it," but even still, if Brad picks her, she's willing to make it work. Brad says he's okay with it if she is. Bradterview: If it's love, the distance won't matter. To Brad, Jenni says she wants Brad in her life, but she doesn't want to seem like she's "feeling something too soon." Smart play! She gets a little teary, but maintains. 'Etterview: I can picture our future together and I really want it. Kissing.
Walnut Creek, CA, where Sheena is waiting for Brad on a pier. 'Etterview: I have strong feelings for Brad, I want him to meet my family. Her parents cruise in on a boat, her dad rocking the old-man red hair dye and a fugly collarless sport shirt. He'll redeem himself shortly, kind of, but in the meantime, it's time for "letting loose and cutting up" in an inflatable raft towed behind the boat. Yes, Brad actually uses the phrase "cutting up." I assume that in future episodes he will "horse around," "cut a rug," and possibly even "twenty-three skidoo." Brad says Sheena's parents wanted to make him feel welcome.
Sheena's mom is talking about their 24-year marriage, and rambles about true love and how she and Dad still date. "…Each other!" she hastens to clarify (heh), and Dad is like, "Nice to know, haw haw." Then Mom wants to know what sign Brad is; he's a Scorpio. Mom is like, squee, Sheena's father is too, and then the man himself raises his hand for Brad to high-five it. Because: both Scorpios! Rock and roll! …Hee. Dad has no doubt had his charts done by Mom eighty thousand times and probably has to fight through a maze of dream-catchers just to get a cup of coffee in the morning, but he's finding the awesome somehow. High-five, Sheena's dad! Sheena's like, I don't know anything about this stuff, not me, no way. More babbling from Beverly, Sheena's mom, about the stars aligning and how Brad already feels like part of the family.
Then she and Brad have a private chat, and in case you either 1) don't get that Bev is kind of a whackadoodle with the whole astrology thing or 2) are distracted by wondering what her nose used to look like before she had it done, a Native American flute pipes up on the soundtrack all, "Oh, here we go." "When you go in the Jacuzzi," Bev slurs, "the Big Dipper is in the sky," something something rocks hitting her, "I knew she was the one. I know she's the one! Whether she's your one, or somebody else's one? I know. She's. The one." Brad runs bars and is used to drunk weirdos, so he just nods indulgently. As Bev embarks on a tangent about Brad's and Sheena's eyes, how "a mother knows," star signs, and so on, as the Native American flute concludes, "…And according to legend, by resisting the temptation to flee Chief Crazy Cougar, the Bachelor…became a man."
Bradterview: …Okay then!
Many moons later, Bev is now on to the subject of Brad and Sheena's wedding. No, seriously. The Native American flute has tagged out, but as Brad humors Bev, "Pachelbel's Canon" begins to play instead, which is hilarious, but while I've got you all here: brides? Please don't use that piece anymore. For real. Am I the only person who remembers it from the opening credits of Ordinary People, which is not exactly an association you want on the joyous occasion of your functional marriage? You know, because of the…at the end? Never mind, never mind, just please, for me, consider the "Trumpet Voluntary" instead. Just as traditional, way more peppy, not as overused. Okay, so: Sheena must somehow hear the music too, because she comes in to do some damage control. Bev: "Again with the 'embarrassment' -- cut to the chase! Let's get the ring! Move it forward!" Sheena shoots Brad a "yeah, she's…kind of challenging oh God I'm sorry" eye-pop as Bev goes on and on about planning the wedding, and then in a Bevterview, Bev is like, "All these steps and roses are a waste of time, I see the chemistry, I see them together, the tea leaves have foretold it!"
Sheena and Brad get into the hot tub. Sheena's like, I hope that didn't put you off too much. Brad non-answers that it shows him where Sheena is from and what she's about, which I guess is true -- Sheena does have a daffiness to her -- but dude, just tell her her mom's bonky but you don't hold it against her. They chat; Sheena has her legs in his lap, and they seem comfortable together, but not all that hot for each other. Sheena's 'etterview has other ideas, though, saying the visit made things fall into place, and she didn't want him to leave. The editors give us a subtly snarky shot of the full moon before we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Brad's in Canton, GA to meet DeAnna's family. DeAnna has brought Brad a basket of peaches (uch, please), and as they greet each other, Bradterview tells us he loves "the fact that DeAnna doesn't need me," which is maybe not the most elegant way of putting that; nor is the clinically expressed admiration Brad has for DeAnna the most convincingly romantic sentiment I've heard out of him. Just pick Jenni and end this hell, buddy!
…Yeah, no. It's time to meet the DeFamily, almost all of whom are wearing red shirts, which is kind of weird. But, if interpreted in the Star Trek style, kind of excellent also. DeAnna shares that it's the first time she's felt completely proud of who she's bringing home. DeDadda quizzes Brad on whether he's been married before; Brad explains about his parents' divorce and how he takes marriage seriously as a result, and tells DeDadda that he doesn't meet girls like DeAnna too often. DeDadda doesn't know Brad used that line on Jenni's mom already, of course, so he likes the sound of it. During Brad/dad time, Brad asks if DeDadda thinks "this could be real, between your daughter and I." Okay, that hurts my ears ("me," Brad -- object of a preposition) but…well, we'll get into it later. DeDadda says he does, because he sees how DeAnna looks at him. He says he hopes Brad feels the same way, and reminds Brad that she went through a lot, losing her mom; he's really proud "to see how far she's come." Translation: She already had her heart broken, horribly. You do it again and I will cut you. Aw, dads.
Then DeAnna comes out with a photo album and shows Brad some pictures of her mom, and in an 'etterview she says that her mom isn't there physically, but is very much present in her life. Brad seems a bit knocked back by that -- not weirded out, but touched. Respectful.
Upstairs, DeAnna's sister wants to know how DeAnna will handle it if she doesn't get picked. Interesting line of questioning. Not loving the hairstyle on Sis, really; that long hair doesn't suit her face. I know y'all are sick of me telling all and sundry to bob their hair, but just because Jennifer Aniston has hers long and wavy doesn't mean everyone else should. Or that Jennifer Aniston should. Just saying. Anyway, DeAnna answers that she'll "be crushed," and explains why, but it doesn't ring true, quite. Sis says tearily that "no matter what," their mom will watch over her and be proud of her, and so's the rest of the family. Hugs.
Downstairs, more family members pile into the house, including a relative I think is identified as "Uncle Plutarch." I may have heard that wrong, but I prefer to believe that his name is actually Plutarch, because come on, that's rad. DeAnna's Papu (her grandpa) and Brad do a shot of ouzo together, which Brad jokingly complains about in VO. Really? Ouzo's the licorice-y one, right? It's not that bad, bar owner guy; toughen up. Then they do the Greek dance and the "oh-pa!" and Brad talks about how it felt like they were a married couple at My Big Fat Greek Wedding (his reference, not mine).
Outside, they kiss; DeAnna 'etterviews that seeing Brad interact "sealed the deal" for her, but she doesn't close her eyes while they're smooching…I don't know what it is, and I don't dislike her, but I think she's more into winning than she is into Brad himself.
Back from the break to Washington DC, where Bettina is all excited to reunite with Brad. Well, as excited as Bettina gets, which is to say not very, and I don't know about you guys, but when I'm meeting up with my boyfriend after a separation, you know what I don't wear? Yoga pants that give me camel toe. It's called "an effort," Bettina. Make one. ….Oh, that's right. You don't have to make an effort. But we'll get to that in a moment. Brad says she looks "beautiful" (she doesn't) and waxes enthusiastic about hoping that meeting Bettina's family will let her open up, and that they'll welcome him "into their home."
At Bettina's dad's house, Brad "gets to meet" Bettina's dad, stepmom, sister, and…mom. Okay. Apparently Bettina's hair issues are genetic, because her dad is sporting a Jackson Browne cut he got for five bucks at the Louis Braille Hair Academy, and her mom evidently lost her comb in the divorce and never bothered replacing it. Bettina 'etterviews that her dad's opinion is important to her, "because I think my dad and me, we think very similar." Did your dad "think" to teach you English when you were a child? In the living room, nobody is giving Brad an inch -- Stepmom immediately cops an attitude; Dad asks about Brad's education, and Brad's explanation for dropping out is met with disbelieving silence; when Brad asks how the family came to DC, Jackson Browne answers in a semi-"you mean you've never heard of me?" tone that he "was offered a professorship."
I'm going to go way out on a skinny limb and assume said professorship is not in the department of Good Manners, or an endowed chair in Maintaining Proper Father-Daughter Boundaries, because we cut to Prof. J. Browne whispering in an interview that Brad's failure to earn a bachelor's is a great disappointment, and then cackling inappropriately.
Back in the living room, Brad reveals that he's the owner of four bars, and jokes that it's "more of a family-friendly business," and then has to explain that he's joking. Prof. Browne and Stepmom both look like someone farted -- like, cabbage farted -- and Stepmom's like, "Let's eat!" Okay, honestly? Maybe if Bettina is in AA, or comes from a Southern Baptist background, a bar owner isn't a great choice of husband for her, but for educated people to act all scandalized? It's like the inevitable scene in a Wharton novel when one of the gossipy tertiary characters lowers her voice to confide, "She's an actress, you know," and everyone else polishes their pince nezes uncomfortably -- where is Bettina's father from, 1913? Not everyone wants to bother with college; not everyone can afford college, Dr. Snobfest.
Stepmom is snotty about the bar thing in an interview, then quizzes Brad about it at the picnic table. He explains about the late nights and "cash transactions," and says there's a "stigma" that goes with the business, but it's done well "for my family and I." And on first viewing, I thought Prof. J. Browne said, "Me." Like, correcting Brad's English, which is a dick move and wouldn't have surprised me at all, but on second thought, I think he's just clearing his throat in an attempt not to laugh uncomfortably at this plebe. Which…is a dick move and doesn't surprise me at all.
Bradterview: These people don't think I'm good enough; I feel judged.
In the kitchen, Stepmom gets bitchy about Brad clearing the table; Prof. Browne interviews that Brad isn't what he'd choose for Bettina, "and the fact is, her first husband was a wonderful, wonderful man. And she will never find anybody who's any better…" He shrugs. "Love is blind." God, what a jackass. And a weirdo! You love her ex so much, why don't you marry him since he's single now? Jerkweed!
Out in the garden, Prof. Browne asks Bettina why she would "choose this." "That's a good question," Bettina says. No, it isn't, Bettina. It's obnoxious and manipulative. Prof. Browne starts to say he wishes Brad had a PhD, and instead of telling him that she's an adult and also that he's being rude, Bettina makes the mistake of stooping to his level and argues that many of the people she knows "in real life" don't have college degrees, including one of his own daughters. She thinks she's scored a point, but Prof. Browne just looks pained at the reminder, probably because he pushed said daughter out to sea on an ice floe, or whatever it is people like him do when their children don't live up to their arbitrary standards. "Young lady, your Eliot paper was derivative and riddled with footnoting errors. We will be enjoying some cucumber sandwiches at the faculty club; you and your trifling intellect may stand outside by the bicycle racks."
Anyway, at this juncture, Brad's sort of speechless; he feels blindsided, and he doesn't like feeling judged, or hearing repeatedly how he's not that great "on paper." Bradterview claims to really care about Bettina, so he has to care about her family's opinion. In person, neither of them is talking, probably because this isn't up to them anymore anyway.
Back from commercial to the Rose Ceremony. Brad gives a speech -- meeting the families kicked it up a notch, blah blah. DeAnna gets the first rose. Jenni gets the second rose. With one rose left, Chris…wait, no Chris. I feel all weird now, like something's wrong if Chris doesn't come in to tell us he's down to a single rose. And something's bad wrong, all right, because without delay Brad proffers the final rose to Bettina. He looks like he's doing it through a mouthful of vomit, too. Seconded, my southern friend. We all knew Sheena wouldn't go the distance, and you expect some manipulation because it's The Bachelor, but to make Brad eat shit from Prof. Browne over a woman he doesn't even like? At least try to make it look real, show, my God.
Sheena is shocked. Chris finally comes out to boot Sheena formally; big hugs all around, and Brad walks her outside for the wrap-up. It boils down to "I'm not the guy," and Sheena's held it together for the past few minutes, but at this point, she loses it -- rightly, because Bettina is a joke. A limp-haired, bitchy, boring joke with daddy issues.
Bradterview: The chemistry wasn't there.
More sad hugs.
Bradterview: It's hard to break their hearts, especially when it's the producers' idea. (That last part may have been silent.)
In the limo, Sheena is sad; she was falling in love with Brad, but he "didn't feel what I felt." Well, he might have. He just let them boss him into keeping Bettina.
week: Fantasy suites in Cabo. Shudder.
Over the credits, Jenni's Grandma is a hard-ass some more. She's from 1913, but she rules.