Christ Harrison [Editor's Note: That's probably a typo, but it's staying. -- Mindy] bellows at all the women to come join him, and they carry their booze (disguised as coffee) into the living room as he talks about what an emotional night last night was, even though most of us have scrubbed it from our memories, and he tells them things are going to be getting stupider. Although he doesn't use the word "stupider," he does explain the "rules" of this show again, which is great, because I'd hate to forget what they are and then be able to use that space in my brain for something useful.
He drops off the date card. It's for Ashley S: "Let's find our love song!" Jesus, what song could that possibly be? She's thrilled because she's been waiting for this since she received the first impression rose.
And he shows up while everyone lounges around the pool party. And Michelle glares, and she's really pissed that Ashley S. got the one-on-one date. Michelle says she hates all the other women. She actually says that -- I'm not paraphrasing this time.
So Brad and Ashley drive to what Brad refers to as "the most famous recording studio in the entire world," but they're not at Abbey Road, they're at Studio A of Capitol Records, Brad tells her, like this is supposed to mean anything to her. "Countless platinum artists have recorded here," he says, declining to name any -- was one of them Train? Because that would rule -- adding that they themselves are going to record here, and all I can theorize is that maybe this place is tired of being supposedly the most famous recording studio in the entire world.
In an interview, Ashley seems really nervous. "I hate the sound of my voice when I sing," she says. And they get to the microphone, and they have a lyric sheet for -- surprise -- "Kiss From a Rose" which turns out to of course have magical significance for Ashley because something something something her dad.
And then they start singing, and if Ashley's dad is dead (I wasn't really paying attention) then he is surely rolling over in his grave. They are seriously awful, like, not "this is hilarious and endearing" awful but "I literally wish I were deaf" awful. And it goes on forever, and now they are hugging for some reason. "I picked the perfect girl to do this date with," says Brad. Funny how that works out on every date for every bachelor on every season, huh? And then Brad is apologizing into the microphone to "Mr. Seal," and then Brad and Ashley go into another studio, where the real Mr. Seal is, and he is singing that song, instead of "Crazy," and then they hug and cry and Ashley is talking about her dad again, and she says it's like he orchestrated it, and speaking as a father of a girl I can pretty much guarantee no dad would orchestrate anything that has to do with his daughter appearing on The Bachelor -- well, maybe Joe Simpson would -- and now Seal is singing a song that goes "You belong to Me," and I get the sinking feeling that we're not going to get to see Heidi Klum.
After a commercial break, Brad tells us that he set up a dinner on the rooftop of the recording studio. Yeah, "you" set that up.
And now these two ninnies are talking about the date, and Ashley tells us that she was obsessed with the song when she was 10, which makes me feel really old. And now it turns out that Ashley's dad DID die, of a brain aneurysm, and now she's talking about how it felt like her dad was here tonight, so she felt closer to her dad, and Brad is kind of awkward about this stuff, but Ashley appears to feel special, as much as you can when you're one of 17.
The group-date card arrives, and Michelle tells us that if her name is not on it, she will be pissed because it means she doesn't get a one-on-one date with him. That would "piss [her] off," she tells us. What? Is it her birthday again already? And here I was thinking she might actually crack a smile for once, but again she's going to opt for "humourless knotface." And her name IS on the date card, and it's the last one read of what I swear was twenty names. The theme of the date is "Love hurts," but a sourfaced Michelle tells us what really hurts is that other people breathe her oxygen.
Back on the recording studio rooftop, not only has neither of these two accidentally fallen off, but Brad is giving Ashley S. the rose, and they dance and we are forced to listen to "Kiss From a Rose" again, and we go to commercial as the camera takes in the city skyline, with many rooftop signs fuzzed out because companies wisely don't want to have anything to do with this show.
The day, twelve of the women come running out of the house, with most of them seemingly dressed in yellow and or purple, and Michelle as usual looks like she just drank sour milk.
So the women arrive on this backlot and Brad welcomes them and then suddenly there is an explosion and my prayers are answered when a bunch of thugs attacks Brad, but he fights off a couple of them and then he swings a shovel and the FORCE OF THE AIR knocks them all down. And Brad jokes that this is just "another day at the office," and the "action director" who is named Steven Ho, I swear to god, tells them that they're all going to be filming their own action movie scenes.
To that end, they take what I assume is a five-minute karate class -- Alli doesn't want to sweat in front of Brad -- and then jump right into the filming, which features a bunch of non-white thugs (happy, diversity harpies?). There are way too many women for me to keep track of who all is here, but there's one who says her grunts sound like squeaks, and Mean Michelle makes fun of her in an interview for that, while she herself is at least channeling her hatred for everyone who isn't her into kicking the ass of the thugs in her scene.
Back at the house, another date card comes out, and Ashley and her tan lines and bikini run out to get it. Madison wants it (don't they all?) but it's for Emily, which kicks off perhaps the least interesting subplot that this show features every season: the contestant who's a mother who worries that when she tells the bachelor she has a kid, he'll run screaming for the hills. Presumably because the kid represents incontrovertible proof that the woman has had sex before, and is therefore less worthy. Naturally, she's worried about it, even though A) she probably shouldn't waste time lamenting a guy for whom this would be a problem, and B) every single time the Bachelor talks about how cool he is with her having a child.
Anyway, then we watch some of these action movie scenes, and Kimberly dully explains about jumping and explosions in case any of us are not familiar with action movies. And Brad tells us that Shawntel is kicking some ass, and you are not going to believe this but Michelle has some criticism for Shawntel, which is that she's trying to go from an extra to the lead actress, which is "offensive" for some reason, and then Shawntel gets the big climax, in Brad's arms, kissing, and Michelle bitchily explains that when she kisses Brad, it won't be a fake scripted thing but will be real, with fireworks going off behind them, which is a scenario she has outlined before, and then of course a big fireball explosion goes off behind Brad and Shawntel, and Michelle literally covers her eyes with her hair because she is twelve years old.
So then we get the "wrap party," and I love how the idiots on this show always call it that, and of course it's a rooftop bar with a pool and Brad jumps in, and all the women follow suit with their clothes on, lest he doesn't think they're fun-loving or whatever.
And now Brad is cuddling up under a towel with -- who is this? A brunette, anyway, and she starts crying, because that's healthy, about how she has to share Brad with all these other women. Yeah, in a shocking rule change implemented JUST THIS SEASON, the Bachelor dates a bunch of women! Anyway, she's crying because she's "done stuff," and then she tells us that her dad is actually her stepdad, and her real dad
she didn't speak to after she was nine, and she finally tracked him down, only to find out that her dad had died. And now Brad is hugging her, and she talks about "waiting for tomorrow" vs. "living for today," and she is "done waiting for tomorrow," and she is hysterical but somehow calling herself a "tough girl" but she's soft on the inside. Oh, this is Chantal. And now she is telling us that she feels a ridiculous connection with this guy, and I have to agree that "ridiculous" is the perfect word."I like you," she tells him. "You too," he says, and now they are kissing, and it's a good thing that Brad gets turned on by dead dads, because he's going to love this season.
Back at the house, Emily is boring everyone to tears with the fact that she's a mother (I do love the way other contestants invariably get all prim and shocked by the fact a contestant hasn't fessed up to having a child, like it's disrespectful to the Bachelor), and then Emily has the other women in tears as she tells them about the death of her babydaddy, and she decides that she's going to tell Brad on their one-on-one date and she hopes she's not a "hot mess," which is a phrase that was annoying the very first time it was used eighty years ago and needs to be retired already.
And back at the wrap party, Shawntel is talking about how she has to watch all these other "hyenas" go after Brad. Alli tells us since there are fewer women now, everyone's starting to get more aggressive with him. And while she goes off with Brad for some solo time, Michelle tells us that it's her time, and she really seems to genuinely believe she's entitled to Brad, and she stalks Brad and Alli, looking like that girl from the well in The Ring, and then interrupts them, but weirdly (for this show) wants to talk to Brad whenever they're done. But they might as well do it now.
Back in the pool, the other women are already talking about what a psycho Michelle is. And Brad must really be wondering if he can talk to any one of these women without having them break down crying, because Michelle is talking about being away from her daughter (? Did we know this about her?), and Brad kisses her but I think it was to shut her up. In an interview, she orders all the other women to pack their bags and get on a plane, because Brad is hers.
Anyway, he goes to get the group-date rose, and he tells us that he's had some pretty deep conversations with all of these women (if that's the case, it would be really nice if we'd seen ANY of them), and then he winds up giving Shawntel the rose, which means, if she's not careful, she's going to be found floating facedown in the rooftop pool.
And then they all watch Love Hurts, which is the stupid movie they made, and Michelle tells us that she is "fucking pissed' that she didn't get a rose, because all the other women are immature and act like they're nineteen. Yeah, quick question: when was the last time you heard an adult call another adult immature? Just checking. "But it doesn't really matter, because in the end, I'm going to be the one that ends up with Brad anyway, so soon enough it will be over, and they will be gone, and it will just be me and Brad, in Tahiti, practicing making babies." Thanks for showing everyone what maturity looks like, Michelle!
Brad shows up at the bachelorette compound to pick up Emily. He says he's been attracted to her since he met her, and had some nice conversations with her, but it's all been small talk, and another contestant jealously explains that Emily has the body of a Barbie with the soul of Mother Theresa, which I have to agree is better than the reverse.
So naturally they have to fly for their date, so Emily can bite her lip fetchingly and tell us that every time she flies or sees a plane or sees other people that she's reminded of Ricky. But then they're over it and in Santa Marina, wine country, and Emily is waiting for "the perfect moment" to tell Brad her story. Jesus, unless you killed Ricky and your baby is the antichrist, this is NOT A CONFESSION that you have to worry about. Oh, but "Guys I've dated have shut down when I've told them about my past," she says. Yeah, if they did, they're assholes and not worth your time! That's not hard to understand!
Back at the house, Madison is crying just thinking about how real this is for Emily, while she is a silly girl who filed her teeth into fangs because Robert Pattinson makes her feel funny inside.
Anyway, Brad and Emily are talking while they have lunch in a wind-whipped vineyard, which looks like lots of fun, and "talking" is kind of stretching it because Emily has the conversation skills of an ethered tortoise, and Brad is asking leading questions to the point that it's pretty clear that he's been briefed on Emily's unforgivable sins of having a child and losing a loved one in a plane crash, and he's trying to draw it out of her. I mean, he practically says, "So, ever date any race-car drivers who impregnated you before dying in a plane crash?" He tells us that if he can't break down Emily's walls, he's not sure there's a future for them. Oh, god! Could America handle a season of The Bachelor that didn't result in marriage?
Later, there's really nothing more romantic I can imagine than dinner in a barn surrounded by hay encrusted with the feces of farm animals, and there are candles all over the place like nice fire hazard. And then Emily starts talking about the "elephant in the room" and that there are some things that he doesn't know about her, and it's not that he needs to get himself checked for STDs, but she finally tells him about the love of her life dying and then finding out that she's pregnant. "And now I'm like the happiest, happiest mom of a five-year-old," she says. "I hope you don't feel like I was hiding anything from you," says Emily, even though she was, even though she DIDN'T HAVE TO, and then Brad overdoes it with the praise (and complimenting himself) by saying that it's great that she thinks "highly enough" of him to tell him these things. "Every single thing you told me makes me like you more," he says. I'd like to emphasize that he likes her more BECAUSE she has a five-year-old and BECAUSE her fiancé was killed. Can we all just pause a moment to think about the breathtakingly stupid things that are coming out of Brad's mouth here? Then he asks after her daughter, which eases some of the tension, and she opens up. "I think we broke through a little bit this evening, I'm happy to say that," he tells us.
And then he goes and gets the rose and gives it to her and babbles about how much he likes her, and Emily tells us how great it was that Brad didn't shun her and condemn her for the awful, unspeakable aspects of her life that she kept hidden before now. While they kiss, "The way I'm feeling right now, is the way people feel when they begin a future with somebody," says Brad. Like he'd know.
Anyway, the day, Brad is pensively strolling around the pool of his house, talking about how he really needs to put himself out there... and then his psychiatrist shows up? Is this for real? I mean, I know therapy is fine and healthy all that, but that would be ... well, you know, real therapy. And not this let's-pretend-there-aren't-cameras-on-us nonsense in which Brad and his therapist talk about connections and Brad recaps the dates... wait, isn't this Harrison's job?
Anyway, the therapist tells Brad to "bring that playfulness that you've discovered" to the cocktail party, and they talk about connections again. "I'm ready, more now than ever, to open my heart to the women," he tells us, as he gets ready for the cocktail party. Thus endeth one of the most time-wastingest, filleriffic segments ever seen on a show that's built on filler and time-wasting.
And now putting the tail in "cocktail party," the women at the mansion discuss all the intricacies of this show like they're mapping the human genome. They're all assembled and waiting for him when he strolls in and ooze Bachelor clichés at them. Brad tells us there is "lots at
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stake" which has never been true on this show ever, and he plans to use his therapist's advice, which is to make the women comfortable so that they want to open up to him, and I really hope his therapist loves money because I predict his phone's going to ring off the hook now that everyone knows what an unqualified genius he is.So Brad seems to think that he'll make the women more comfortable if he fake-overlaughs at everything Alli says. She tells him that her dad once told her she has a heretofore unknown little sister. Jesus Christ, they should have just called this season The Bachelor: Daddy Issues and be done with it. Brad, who is currently dating 17 women -- the fewest women he has dated since this show started -- tells Alli that he has never cheated on a woman.
And then Michelle the Soul-Suck tries to refuse to let Brad talk to another woman, while for us she lists off all the things she hates about this: Brad talking to other women, kissing other women, other women existing... and how she has a hate on for Chantal, to whom Brad is now blathering on about opening up, and he is apologizing for not doing it more, and she holds his hand and talks some nonsense again about what a tough girl she is, and she wants to let the walls down, and then while the two of them try to decide if they're going to stick their tongues down each other's throats. Michelle interrupts, by stalking up to them. "She's a walking contradiction," complains Chantal, explaining that if Michelle really did have a connection with Brad, she wouldn't need to pull shit like this.
Meanwhile, Michelle informs Brad that they're having their first fight. He's utterly confused, and then she talks about how the two of them kissed, but he's kissed other women. "Explain yourself," she says, trying to play it all off humorously, even though I'm starting to believe she has actually killed people. She tells him that she doesn't want him pursuing other women. In an interview, Brad tells us how playful she is, and very direct about how she wants his time, and he loves that, and she can steal him away any time. Either he's lying as an elimination misdirect, or he's an idiot. I'd rather think he's lying. Judging from how uncomfortable he looks while all this is going on, I'm guessing he's lying. And we go to commercial with Madison fretting about how she needs to talk to Brad about falling in love.
Later we learn about how much more comfortable Brad is now feeling, and then he sits down with Madison, who talks about the walls she puts up, and then she pulls off the fangs, and THANK GOD they are fake. I am cheered up immensely by Madison. Anyway, she talks about how some of the other women have so much on the line here. "Anything that I do now would just be taking away from them," she says, and he tells her that if she's telling him she's going to leave, he respects that, but she should give it a shot. He offers this strange suggestion: If she feels this way at the end of the night, and he offers a rose, she should feel free not to take it. Aww, that's so sweet that he gave her permission to leave.
Then he sits down with -- I think it's the other Ashley? Ashley H.? and she tells him that if he doesn't feel the same way about her that she does about him, then she just wants to go home. Uh, isn't that exactly how the show operates? "Are you OK? I wanna know that you're OK," he says, and Brad tells us that he's feeling "Ashley H." pull away from him, which is because SHE TOLD YOU THAT, and here's a hint: maybe Ashley H. doesn't feel super-special because YOU NEED TO CLARIFY FOR PEOPLE WHICH ASHLEY SHE IS. And then Brad decides there's no uncertainty that a little tonsil hockey won't cure, so he starts making out with her, which for some reason makes her feel better instead of like she's probably contracted a communicable disease.
And then Harrison whisks Brad away so Brad can pick who's going home, and the women sit around looking like a group of people in a movie who have just learned that one of them is a murderer only they don't know who it is and they're trapped wherever they are. Madison isn't sure if she's going home yet or not.
It does feel like we're starting the rose ceremony early, so we know there's a twist coming, kind of like when the cops on Law & Order make an arrest ten minutes into an episode, and you're like, "Well, THAT happened too soon."
Anyway, Harrison does his bit to earn the easiest paycheque in television, and then Brad comes out and talks about feelings and how he's begged them to hold onto the real moments that make things real and "two-way street" and nothing he says bears any kind of relationship to any sort of meaning, and he wraps up by telling them that if any of them are having second thoughts, to not accept the rose.
First rose: Michelle. Oh, godDAMMIT. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Chantal O., I like her. I like anyone compared to Michelle, who looks like she half-expected Brad to send EVERYONE home.
And then here's the twist: Madison steps down and walks out of the room. "You have something to say?" says Brad, but she just walks by. He follows her out, where her commitment to leaving is so great that she's just sitting in another room. She tells him that she feels like she can't take a rose from any of the other women there, and he tells her that he likes this Madison more than the tough vampire or whoever he first met, but if she's not feeling it, then he commends her decision, and he's missing out on a hell of a girl. He says he doesn't understand her decision, which is hilarious, coming from the guy who's apologized a million times for walking away from every single woman his time on this show.
She expresses a little bit of doubt on the way out, but I have tons of respect for anyone who removes herself from this farce. Brad tells us again that he doesn't understand this, sounding a little bit angry. How DARE she!
Back to the rose ceremony, where Brad tells the other women that Madison wanted to go home. "I wasn't expecting it at all," Brad says despite, you know, Madison telling him earlier that she wanted to go home. He repeats what he said before about not accepting a rose if they don't want to be here. Does it sound to anyone else like he doesn't want them to step down voluntarily but to wait until they're offered a rose? Probably because he knows you want to leave, so you're not GETTING a rose anyway. This fucking show, I swear to god.
Anyway, rose: Lisa. Who is Lisa?... oh, yeah, Her. Ashley H. Marissa. Britt. We keep seeing shots of women who I don't think got ANY air time tonight. This show really needs to thin out the herd a lot earlier. Alli. Lindsay. Megan. Last rose: Stacy. We kept seeing shots of her with her head down looking bummed, and I couldn't have told you her name if you had a gun on my family. I don't even know the names of the women who are going home.
Kimberly tells us she has no regrets and wouldn't have done things any differently. Yay, she's not going to cry! Then she goes the "he was intimidated by me" route. Uh-oh. Then she lists all the reasons she's awesome: "I'm talented, smart, successful. Some guys do find me attractive," she says, with that last sentence distinctly conveying: "ALL guys want me." "The list could go on," she says. Oh, please do. She tells us she could start dating someone else right away. "Fuck Brad. His loss," she says. Well, the second part's debatable. The first part's not gonna happen.
And then there's Sarah P., who hugs Brad, and leaves, and gets the black mascara sunburst on her face from the tears. "I have so much heaviness and love to offer," she says. "Heaviness"? "When you put yourself out there, you're hoping for something to come back, but ... [long pause] ... sometimes it doesn't. Not being chosen, that really hurts. Rejection sucks. I just wanna go home."
"Heaviness"?
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. The only way his daughter is winding up on The Bachelor is if he's dead. Which would at least give her a shot to win
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