By Shack
Previously: Elizabeth Cady Stanton rolled over in her grave and muttered, "Why did I even bother?" God, there's another five-minute clip show recapping the whole season. I've already recapped this stuff, sometimes four or five times. I'm not doing it again. Tonight, the stuff that happens tonight is going to happen. Tonight. Seriously, I'm not going to pre-recap this stuff, when it's just going to be repeated over and over again. Tonight, Brooke and Helene will meet Aaron's family. Then he's going to pick one of them to ask to marry him. It's the most dramatic finale, ever! If your definition of "dramatic" includes "boring, repetitive, and thoroughly predictable." It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Because then it will be over and these people will go away! Eventually. After a zillion pointless press interviews.
We open in Springfield, Missouri. Time-elapse film doesn't succeed in making it look any more impressive than the Smalltown, U.S.A. that it clearly is. In his loft, See 'N Say Aaron makes coffee without his shirt on and tells us all that he's down to two women and he's thinking of asking one of them to marry him. Thanks for the newsflash. He says that he needs his family's help to make this last decision. Of course, the show was going to force the women to meet his family whether he needed their help or not, so he might as well go along with it.
We cut to Helene, standing outside some hotel that couldn't afford to pay for product placement. She tells us that she can't believe she's actually there in Springfield. I would have said exactly the same thing, but my tone would be very, very different. She says it's surreal and exciting to consider marrying Aaron after knowing him for such a short time. A limo comes by to pick her up. Aaron steps out of the limo to greet Helene. He's wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and FLIP FLOPS. Sweet Jesus. They hug. Aaron says he couldn't sleep, because he was so exciting about seeing her again. I think he couldn't sleep because it looked like a plane was going to crash into him, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Aaron and Helene load into the limo. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that it's the most exciting day for him blah blah blah.
As he and Helene drive through Springfield, Aaron points out the billboard for his bank, featuring a giant image of Aaron, with his giant head and giant teeth. I hope it's been vandalized by now. Seeing that billboard every day would give me "He's coming to eat me!" nightmares. Helene laughs and says it's a good picture. They start heading through some neighborhoods where Aaron explains he'd like to buy a house someday. They look at houses. They're big. They're pretty. I'm bored. There's a house with a pink roof. Yikes. They joke that it would take a manly man to live in a house like that. It would take a blind man. Or woman. Aaron tells us he thinks that Helene is enjoying herself and is impressed with what she sees. Yeah, who needs Philly when you can hitch yourself to a Springfield, MO middlewig? Helene tells us that it's great to see Aaron in his hometown, and that she likes what she sees.
Helene and Aaron head over to Aaron's loft apartment. Everybody involved in the show explains to us that they're at Aaron's loft. I recognize lofts like this. Every small town in the United States has got a couple hundred of people who work in whatever high-tech jobs are available or are just starting careers as college professors or aspiring artists. They're what I call "pre-urbanites." They don't have secure enough lives (either financially or emotionally) to actually move to a big city, so they try to recreate the experience the best they can. Some eventually move on to bigger cities. Some, like Aaron, decide that this is urban enough for them. I knew a lot of people with places like this when I was working in a town about the size of Springfield in South Carolina.
Aaron shows Helene around. There are nice hardwood floors and brick walls and stairs. There's a piano. There's a sleek kitchen that looks like it's never used. The loft is pretty, but also incredibly bland and sterile. Just like our Aaron. Helene asks what would happen if she said she didn't like it, but then says she's kidding.
Aaron and Helene head downstairs to take a look at the restaurant Aaron is "building," called Trolleys. Oh, what an incredibly cheesy name. He tells Helene that they're trying to bring the outside indoors -- which, as any Trading Spaces participant can tell you, is your cue to scream and run away. The inside of the restaurant, still under construction, is dominated by facades of brick storefronts all along the inside walls. It's just so busy and tacky. Aaron says that it's intended to mimic what it's like if you were sitting outside on an old Chicago Street. Perhaps if you're two feet tall. And stupid. And of course, there's a sports bar in the back so all his fellow Chipsters can hang out. And there will be televisions. And a kitchen. The only thing that separates this restaurant from hundreds of thousands of restaurants just like it everywhere across the country is that stupid brickwork. Helene points out that his loft is right above the restaurant, and worries that it will be loud. Aaron says it won't be. Then Aaron repeats to us what Helene just said. God. Kill me. Aaron concludes that Helene is actually thinking about moving to Springfield, which is a good sign.
, Helene and Aaron head out to an airport to fly Helene around. Helene worries about the plane being really small. I'd be more concerned about the weekend pilots, myself. Aaron explains to us that they went to the fucking airport. And then we see them at the airport. There Helene meets Aaron's father, Alden. Alden looks almost exactly like Aaron, except with white hair. He even has the oversized head and giant teeth. And he's just as smarmy and insincere. He tells Helene that she has a unique name, and says that she's beautiful.
So Alden, Aaron, and Helene all head up in the tiny airplane, and I can practically hear the air-traffic controller crying. Alden pilots the plane while Helene sits in the co-pilot seat, pretending that anything she does matters. Eventually they land in Grove, Oklahoma, which is where some lake house is located. I'll bet they all live out there as some sort of state tax dodge. They drive past some huge houses in yet another limo. Helene points out all the windows. Alden asks her how she'd like to clean all of them. Helene says she doesn't do windows. They all laugh at the silly woman who doesn't know her place.
Eventually, Helene, Aaron, and Alden drive up to some boring, cookie-cutter brick home. It's time to meet the family. Helene tells us that she's nervous about meeting the family because she wants to make a good impression and blah blah blah. They head into the house, and Alden calls everybody in to say hello to Helene. She meets Kathy, Aaron's mom, first. Kathy looks like Christi in about twenty years. She's wearing a red denim sleeveless vest and ugly red and white floral-print slacks. We also meet Aaron's unidentified grandmother.
Helene tells us that she feels like Aaron's girlfriend. Duh. They all hang out in the kitchen, and Mom asks if Aaron has played the piano at all. Yeah, we heard him stumble through some vapid song weeks ago. He blathers about playing Helene some song about her pretty eyes. Whatever. Grandma asks Helene what she does for a living. She explains about being a school psychologist. Aaron recaps the drama about Helene threatening to leave because of crazy Christi, adding that he's glad she stuck around. Mom compares it to a beauty pageant, not realizing that the pageant women were the troublemakers. Mom explains that she used to judge beauty pageants herself, so she knows that the women are vicious. Of course, they're vicious because of the people like her, so Mom needs to stop acting like some shocked observer. Also, Mom is wearing so much black eyeliner that she looks like she tried to draw on a pair of glasses. Aaron asks if anybody wants to go cruising on the boat.
We cut to a view of everybody cruising on the boat, while Helene tells us that everyfuckingbody went cruising on the fucking boat. Sorry, profanity is the only way I can deal with it anymore. She goes on to describe exactly what we see: Aaron's parents sitting in the back with their arms around each other, while Aaron and Helene pilot the ship with their arms around each other. They let Helene drive the boat. She makes a big deal about it. She tells us that she hopes to "communicate" to Aaron that she has really fallen for him, and she hopes he feels the same. But she's also thinking about her competition, Brooke.
This serves as a segue back to Brooke in Los Angeles. That was soooo fake. They totally made Helene say that so they could use it for the transition. Brooke heads into Harry Winston alone to try on engagement rings. She's getting sized in advance, so just in case Aaron decides to ask her to marry him instead of Helene, she'll be ready. It's all so romantic. A clerk helps her try on four different cuts. They're all very fancy, and I couldn't possibly care less. Jewelry doesn't even show up on my list of "Top Ten Thousand Things I Remotely Give a Shit About." I wore a gold chain for about three months in high school, until I realized that it didn't make me look any cooler. And an ex gave me a silver ring, which I wore for about six months. I haven't worn any jewelry since. ["I'm over here, married, with no engagement ring and a ten-dollar silver 'wedding band' from a Santa Monica head shop, so I feel you. I'm not responsible enough for fancy jewellery. Oh, and I'm also cheap." -- Wing Chun] Brooke and the clerk blather on about the color and the shapes and how the bigger ones mean he loves you more and blah blah blah. Brooke tells us that when she slipped on the first ring, it really hit her that Aaron might actually ask her to marry him. She points out that her hands are shaking. She says that all that she could think about was what it would mean if Aaron were to actually slide that ring on her finger. It would mean that you've all bought into a concept that a chunk of pressurized carbon worn on your hand is proof of emotional attachment. The guy who wants to marry me had better buy me something I can actually use.
Commercials. We return to the lakeside tax shelter. The wimminfolk start making dinner. Aaron fucking tells us that the fucking women are making fucking dinner. Helene's helping with the corn muffins and making a big deal about it. Jesus. They're just muffins. You mix stuff up and pour it into cups and put in the oven. I've been making muffins since I was ten. Get a grip. Aaron's brother and his wife show up. Helene fucking tells us that Aaron's fucking brother and his fucking wife show up. Their names are Justin and Tricia. I think Tricia's pregnant. Or else I just called her fat. Oh well. Like I care. Aaron explains to us that they were "high-school sweethearts" (gag) and have been together for nine years. He insists that this means that they were very skeptical about this whole TV-show thing. Whatever. Nobody here really cares one way or another, honestly. They're just trying to sell us on this idea that the opinions of Aaron's family members matter, because otherwise they're admitting that this entire first hour is a big waste. Which it is.
Helene and the Buerges sit outside on a patio and eat dinner. Tricia asks Helene what her family thought of Aaron. She says they loved him. Justin says they didn't spend enough time with him, then. Having, unfortunately, spent much more time with Aaron than Helene's family did, I tend to agree. Alden blathers on about the process and proposing after seven weeks of knowing Helene. These chairs they're sitting on are those metal-framed patio chairs that lack braces in the back, allowing people in them to sort of simulate rocking without actually sitting in a rocking chair. Aaron rocks fiercely in his chair and declares that he's not going to ask either women to marry him then and there unless he feels that it's right. The producers all nod in agreement, even though they know Aaron has agreed to pop the question in order to give the season its "happy ending." Alden asks Helene whether she's thought about how she would respond if Aaron were to "pop the question." She blathers that they've gotten to know each other really well and blah blah blah. She says, "I wouldn't be opposed to the idea or anything like that. I'm pretty open-minded." See, she's speaking Aaron's language -- Equivocation. Kathy stares at Helene, wondering why she's not throwing herself at Kathy's perfect little boy.
Finally, Mama Buerge pipes up: "You're twenty-seven years old. Why have you not found Mr. Right by now?" Because it's not 1952 anymore, Mrs. Schlafly. She doesn't have a "sell by" date stamped on her forehead, does she? Shut up, Mama Buerge. ["Holy God, she actually said those words to Helene's face? That alone is reason enough for Helene not to marry Aaron. Gross." -- Wing Chun] Mama Buerge explains that she had three kids by the time she was Helene's age. Yes, well, the world is full of people who aren't you, Kathy. Shut up. Helene diplomatically (though not very articulately, of course) explains that she's been focusing on her career. And stuff. Or whatever. You know. She reveals that she was engaged once while she was in college, but that it didn't work out. So they made a big deal out of Brooke's engagement, but this is the first time this is being mentioned on the show? Alden blathers on about marriage being a commitment, saying that he hopes Helene feels the same way. Helene insists that when she gets married, it'll be for good: "Whoever I marry is stuck with me." Kathy asks Helene how she'd feel about relocating. Because god knows her little boy is never leaving. Ever! Helene says she's okay with that, as long as there are jobs available in the school district. Justin jokes that there aren't any schools in Springfield. I think he's joking, anyway. Aaron tells us that he was quiet during the dinner to gauge how his family reacted to Helene. He says he thinks they asked her tough questions. Liar. He says that she handled their questions well, and that he's "very proud of her." "Proud"? She's a full-grown woman, not a fifth-grader who came in second place in the VFW's essay contest on "Why I love America."
Commercials. Now, if you could do me a favor, go back to the part where Aaron met Helene at the hotel in Springfield. Now read that whole section again, and switch Helene and Brooke's names. There, that's thirty minutes taken care of.
Oh, fine. We return from commercials. Aaron picks up Brooke in front of the hotel. They hug. Aaron says it's great to see her again. Are you sure you don't just want to go back and reread? Fine. Aaron tells us that once he saw Brooke, it made his decision tougher again. Brooke tells us that she was glad to see Aaron again, but was worried about what happened on the other date. Well, she's going to find out what happened on the other date, because she's having exactly the same one.
Brooke and Aaron ride around Springfield. Brooke tells us that she likes Springfield. She thought it would be different. She doesn't explain what she thought it would be. Did she think it would be bigger? She says she could definitely see herself there.
Brooke and Aaron arrive at Aaron's loft. As the camera pans around, we finally get to see that mysterious airplane painting Aaron mentioned back on the group date to the track. It is, indeed, a painting of a warplane hanging from the ceiling, looking like it's going to crash into the floor. It's just amazingly tacky. I know a lot of guys who were really into fighter planes and had all sorts of pictures of them. But then they turned fourteen and discovered girls. Or other boys. He gushes that all of the art was painted by friend of his. Okay, I'm down with supporting your artist friends. That makes me hate him slightly less. But only a little bit. Aaron shows Brooke around the place. Brooke tells us that she loves the place, but that it could definitely use a woman's touch. I think it's had a woman's touch already. Especially the bed. I suspect Mama Buerge was involved.
Aaron drags Brooke downstairs to the restaurant. They tour again. He explains the concept again. It's no less stupid. Brooke tells us that she loves it. Aaron tells us that he thinks Brooke loved it.
Brooke and Aaron head on over to the airport to do exactly the same flight out to the lake house that Aaron and Alden did with Helene the day before. Brooke worries about whether Aaron's family will like her. She worries about how they reacted to Helene. She worries about everything. Worry, worry, worry. Am I still making sense? I'm beginning to worry that the sheer boredom is going to cause me to start just typing random shit.
Brooke and Aaron arrive at the airport to meet Alden. They hug. Alden says, "That's a pretty name for a pretty girl." That's not exactly the same thing he said to Helene, but pretty close. Are you sure you don't want to just skip all this? No? Fine. I hate you. You know that, don't you? Aaron points out that Daddy's plane is the same colors as the Crimson Tide.
The plane takes off. Alden points out to Brooke when they pass from Missouri to Oklahoma. Brooke's all excited because it's another new state she's never been to before. She had never been out of the Southeast until she went on this show. She tells us that Alden made her feel comfortable and relaxed and she got less nervous and blah blah blah. She gushes over how pretty everything is. Alden points out a golf course, then explains that their house is on the corner of the golf course. Of course it is.
On the limo ride to the lakeside tax shelter, Alden asks Brooke what her middle name is. It's Nicole. Aaron makes a big deal out of the fact that Brooke's initials are B.N.S. She has a vanity license plate on her car that is just BNS. He says when he saw that, he saw "BUNS." Could he be just a little more obsessed with asses? The guys at the bathhouse have more restraint. Brooke tells us that if you like somebody, you want his family to like you, too. Huh. Really. She worries that if Aaron's family doesn't like her, it'll be all over for her.
Aaron, Alden, and Brooke arrive at the house. Greetings all around, yet again. They congregate in the kitchen again. Kathy asks Brooke where she's from. She explains that she's from Albertville and is currently a senior at the University of Alabama. She should have graduated already, but she punked out to do this stupid show. She has to go back to take two classes fall -- golf and volleyball. I can't tell you how much I raged against my college's stupid P.E. requirements. It's all just a stupid con to make sure the athletic department gets more money. I ended up taking karate and some class where you just worked out on the weight machines three times a week. Kathy asks Brooke what her major is. Her major is Marketing. But after she graduates, she wants to go to law school. I just have to raise an eyebrow. I don't know what most pre-law folks major in, but I suspect it's not Marketing. Has she picked out a law school? She says she hasn't yet, but that she's been looking at a couple in Springfield. A couple? Are there any? Let's ask Google and Yahoo, the world's online bullshit detectors. I can't seem to find any colleges there with law schools.
Aaron tells us that they all "decided" to go for a cruise on the lake. Who the hell does he think he's kidding? This is exactly the same thing you did with Helene. You didn't decide anything. This has all been arranged. Every single second. However, unlike the cruise with Helene, on this trip, Brooke hangs out with Kathy in the back while Aaron and Alden talk about them up at the wheel. Brooke tells us that she hung out with Mom in order to get to know the family better. Up front, Aaron tells Dad he's sure that both women are sincere in their intentions. Dad says that it all boils down to which woman Aaron's "heartstrings" are pulling him toward. I don't think those are heartstrings pulling him around. Aaron explains to Dad how Helene's most recent video message said she was falling for him, while Brooke's been vocal for a couple of dates now. Dad asks whether Brooke started that way. Aaron shakes his head emphatically no, trying to drive the images of Christi and Brunette Heather out of his brain. He explains that he got rid of all those women who declared their love for him almost immediately. I can only imagine what Christi's thinking when she watches this: "But we were supposed to fall in love with him, weren't we? That's what the show was about! Did he just wink? That means he's kidding. He still loves me!" Alden manages to slip both the phrase "cut to the chase" and the phrase "the bottom line" in as he tells us about his conversation with Aaron about the two women. However, he provides no actual insight into anything. He tries to get Aaron to say which one he has the strongest feelings for, but he says that it always tends to be the one he's around. He's so damned simple. Just give him a pert ass and a smile and he's fine. See 'N Say Aaron tells us he hopes that after his parents spend time with Brooke, they'll be able to help him with his decision.
There's another stupid fake segue, where Brooke is forced by the show to tell us that she's thinking about Helene and the inevitable fact that she's going to be compared to her. And then we jump back to Los Angeles, where it's now Helene's turn to try on engagement rings. They even put this break in exactly the same place where they broke into Helene's date. Helene steps out of a limo and heads into Harry Winston. Helene meets with the same clerk who assisted Brooke; she's wearing exactly the same outfit. Hooray for editing. It makes me wonder if Brooke is actually sitting out there in the limo, and they brought both women out at the same time and made them take turns going into the jewelry store. Helene tries on rings and brays laughter and says "Wow!" a lot. She jokes about leaving the store with the ring. She tells us that she's taking the whole meaning of the ring seriously and just as with Brooke, it's all becoming more real or whatever. And stuff.
Commericals. God, what's with all the girlie stuff? Oh right. Demographics.
We return back to the lake house. The editors just breeze past silly dinner preparation stuff and cut right to the meal. Aaron fucking explains to us that they fucking have fucking dinner. I should cut that out or this recap will start showing up when people do searches for porn. Alden asks Brooke what the process has been like. She says it's been hard falling for somebody who's dating other girls. Has she had any second thoughts? Aaron pipes up that she hesitated for a long time at one ceremony. I think she just did that for more camera time. She blathers on that it was just after they had their one-on-one date and she thought it was great and then she realized that all the other women may have felt the same way about their experiences and she's not making any sense and I don't care. She says she thought about getting out, because she was afraid her feelings were "getting real" and was worried. Kathy brings up Brooke's mom as the person who encouraged her to come on the show. No doubt she's worried about competition in the domineering-mother category. Everybody's rocking in the chairs again. Stop it. I'm getting sick. Brooke says that her mom wanted her to "have this experience" (I hope she's not expecting a "thank you card") and marvels at the odds that it would turn out that she would meet "the one," meaning Aaron. Alden asks if Brooke believes in fate. She says she believes that God has one person in mind for you, and that "if [she] hadn't come on this show, [she] wouldn't have met him." Yikes. Does that mean that God put the idea of this show in the producers' heads to begin with in order to get the two of them together? I'm beginning to rethink this concept of God being a benevolent entity. Alden asks what draws Brooke to Aaron. She can't explain it; she just knows.
Kathy brings up Brooke's prior engagement. Why didn't that work out? Brooke says that they started growing apart. He didn't support her going to college. Also, he cheated on her. Brooke tells us that this was a tough question. Why do these people think it's a tough question to explain why a relationship didn't work out? Maybe they mean it in the "emotionally draining" sense. Oh, and nobody ever asks Aaron to explain why his engagement didn't work out. Just thought I should mention that. Alden asks Brooke the same question he asked Helene about whether she could commit based on this short process. I am so sick of people talking about "the process." And besides, Brooke has already said that God put them together. She repeats the "If you know, you know" answer. Justin asks how she could possibly know in such a brief time. Brooke backpedals that you may not know enough to get engaged, but you know. Or something. Whatever. She can't exactly back off entirely, though, now that she's said that God meant for her to meet Aaron.
Dad mentions that Brooke has a tattoo, although he's only seen a part of it. It's a tattoo of dolphins going in a circle on her lower back. Alden was totally checking out Brooke's ass, too. Does she regret getting the tattoo? She says she doesn't. Grandma wonders if Aaron's seen it. He has. Of course he has. It's just above her ass. Brooke tells us that the questioning didn't bother her. Alden tells us that he felt comfortable with Brooke, and that she didn't have a hidden agenda and is a great person.
Back at the table, Alden asks Aaron what he likes about Brooke. Her ass. I'm totally not kidding. Aaron just outright says that he was initially physically attracted to her, and goes on this lengthy justification about how you have to have that before you talk to a girl. He wasn't asking how you met, he's asking what you like about her. And you would have talked to her anyway, because you were forced to as part of the show, so quit trying to justify your superficiality. Brooke's also sincere and direct, and she has a great family. And man, would you look at her ass? It's smokin'! Brooke tells us that she thinks she handled the questions well, and that it was a good evening.
Back at the table, Aaron sends Brooke inside so that he and his family can talk about her. I just find that terribly rude. It's one thing to take people aside to ask what they think, but it's another to have some family meeting about somebody sitting in the room, to discuss whether she's marriage material. Oh, why am I even bothering? This isn't a show about dignity. He tells the family that he wants "candid feedback." Mom non-answers that they're both nice women. She says that Brooke's age isn't an issue. Well, not for you, Mrs. Baby Factory. She points out that Aaron has had a relationship with a younger person before (that mysterious engagement), and adds that the age gap becomes less noticeable as you get older. She wants Aaron to pick one who makes him happy. Alden thinks they're both great. Everybody thinks they're both great. Marry them both! Nobody says anything that suggests that they have an opinion one way or the other. I had no idea that equivocation had become a family value. Grandma suggests that they have a long engagement to make up for their brief time of getting to know each other. Alden assures us that both ladies are wonderful. Both ladies are great. They're fantastic. Perfect. They've spent five minutes telling us this.
Brooke says her goodbyes and thanks everybody. She tells us that now that she's met Aaron's family, she'll feel really hurt if Aaron doesn't pick her. Aaron tells us that his parents trust him to make the right decision, but now he's frustrated because he still doesn't know which woman to pick. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that it's all so difficult.
Commericals. Whoa. This finale was so mind-numbingly dull that I didn't even notice there was a commercial for The Two Towers during it that I hadn't seen before.
And now, forty minutes of hell. Nothing happens for the forty minutes. I'm going to recap it for you anyway, but I'm just warning you. Actually, it looks like something interesting did happen, but that they refused to show it to us because it might give away the ending. God forbid they sacrifice the artificially enhanced dramatic impact of Aaron's final choice in order to accurately present to us what's actually going on during these dates.
Aaron sits in his L.A. bachelor pad, playing the piano and swaying along to his own bland music. I have images of John Tesh stuck in my head now. See 'N Say Aaron explains that he has one more date with each of the women, and it's important because he still doesn't know which woman he's going to pick. Brooke arrives in a limo as Aaron tells us that his meeting with his family brought him some "clarity," even though his dad told him that each woman would fit well in the family, so he still doesn't know what to do. The clarity is where, then? I suppose, given the way Aaron answers (or fails to answer) questions, I shouldn't be surprised that he doesn't know what "clarity" means.
Brooke comes in, and Aaron greets her with a kiss and a hug. He tells her that his plan for their "date" is to do absolutely nothing. Jeez, I date all the time then. Except there's no second person involved. In the kitchen, they prepare plates of Chinese take-out. Brooke tells us there's a possibility that Aaron might ask her to marry him. Really? You think so? She tells us that she's nervous and excited.
Brooke and Aaron sit at the table and eat and talk. Aaron's plate is clean, while Brooke's food appears to be barely touched. Brooke tells Aaron she's been "surprisingly calm" today, because she's decided that if it's meant to be, it will be. See 'N Say Aaron tells her that he's in a unique situation and never expected it would be like this. Blah blah compare and contrast blah blah. Brooke brings up the age issue and says it shouldn't be a big deal. She has friends older than Aaron who still don't know what they want. Aaron says that he doesn't hold it against her that she's only twenty-two. Foreshadowing cackles with amusement and slips a piece of paper that reads, "You will choose Helene" into Aaron's fortune cookie. Aaron brings up Brooke's comment from the rose ceremony, to the effect that she hoped Aaron wouldn't make a mistake they'd both regret. She blathers on something about them meeting each other somewhere down the road and things will be fine and Aaron interrupts to say that Brooke still didn't want him making a mistake in the first place. These people are a journalist's nightmare. They're totally incapable of completing a sentence that is quotable, except for their stock statements of how hard this all is or how they hope Aaron picks them. Aaron tells Brooke to relax and gives her a kiss on the cheek. He's totally trying to feel out how she's going to react when he dumps her.
Brooke and Aaron head out to the living room to bore me further. Aaron asks if Brooke enjoyed his family. She says they were great. He insists that they "keep [him] humble." Yeah, right, spoiled boy. They talk about the things that Aaron's family asked and I'm not recapping that. I already recapped that pages ago. Brooke blathers on about how their relationship is different because of the way it developed on the show and none of what she says makes any sense. Something about them not having any nitpicky fights yet. Yeah, because you hardly ever see each other except for artificially constructed dates that are put together for you. Aaron says that he's not 100% convinced that he's going to propose at all. I don't believe him. Brooke says that it's okay if he doesn't pop the question. See 'N Say Aaron blathers about how nervous he is. Brooke says she's going to try not to make him nervous.
Music plays as Brooke and Aaron make out for a while. Later, Aaron escorts Brooke out to the limo. She tells him not to worry so much. She tells us that she felt good about the date, but that things aren't in her hands any more. It's Aaron's decision now. It's not like she could turn around and ask him to marry her or anything. Nope. It's Aaron's decision. Aaron tells us he had a great time and Brooke was smiling and has a happy aura.
Commercials. Use Degree deodorant or get attacked by hovering security droids.
Boring Date II: Revenge of Helene. Aaron stands on a porch, giving Scott Bakula a run for his money in the Brow-Furrowing 500. He blathers to us that he wants to stay focused on this date and not be distracted by the things running through his mind. (Brooke's ass. Helene's ass. Brooke's ass. Helene's ass. Brooke's and Helene's asses.) He tells us all for the nine-hundred-millionth time that he's having a hard time making a decision, and that he's lucky and it's hard and shut up, already.
Helene arrives at the house, and she's got a large bag with her. Interesting. He greets her at the door, and they hug. They're having pizza for their date. She insists that pizza is her favorite. There are mushrooms. Mmm. Mushrooms. I try to put mushrooms on everything. I'm weird that way. I actually munch on raw mushrooms sometimes. Helene tells us that she's really falling for Aaron's "personality." Back with Aaron, she "jokes" that she could get used to Aaron serving her as he puts the pizza on plates. It's just pizza, hon. It's not like he's actually doing anything. He jokes that she'd better tip him for this awesome service. She jokes that she's going to give him a tip, all right. Bam-chicka-bam-chicka. They actually show clips from earlier in this very episode as Helene tells us that she's getting to understand what Aaron's hometown and life are like. She hopes that everything works out. They toast to having a good time. Aaron asks Helene the same question he asked Brooke, about his family. Helene really liked Aaron's family and thought they were cool. Or something. You know. She brings up the baby-spitting question that Mama Buerge asked her. She laughs and points out that Aaron's twenty-eight. Yeah, but he's the guy. He gets to sow his wild oats for a while, while the wimminfolk learn how to cook properly. Don't you know anything, Helene? Aaron defends his mom, telling Helene that she was just curious. He says Helene did a good job explaining herself and you know, whatever and stuff. Helene says that she whatever and stuff and you know or whatever. Aaron shoots back you know whatever and stuff. Seriously, nobody here is saying anything coherent. Helene was engaged before. So was Aaron. They both know what it's like. She was skeptical coming into the show. She had to see for herself and stuff or whatever. Aaron turned out to be sincere, you know? They bring up the scary girls who declared their love for Aaron right out of the gate. They eat some more. Aaron asks Helene whether she's ready for tomorrow. She is and stuff, whatever. You know? She points out that Aaron is the one making the big decision or whatever. Yeah, she's just along for the ride.
Aaron and Helene head out to the living room to bore some more. Helene surprises Aaron with a gift. It doesn't come as a surprise to us, because every square inch of this show is telegraphed by the "coming up" segments they show before every single commercial break. I hope nobody is bothered that I never recap those, but I can only take so much. It's a money clip, from Tiffany's, I think. It's inscribed, "With love, Helene." Aaron loves it and gives Helene a kiss. She jokes that even if he dumps her tomorrow, he'll always remember her. She brays some laughter. They kiss some more. While Aaron is trying to kiss her, Helene keeps saying she likes to buy stuff for people. Ah, so this is why Aaron thinks she's such a "challenge." That trick where he kisses women to shut them up doesn't work on her.
Aaron starts escorting Helene out, and suddenly she's wearing a totally different outfit. There's no explanation of what happened, whether she spent the night or there was a spill or whatever. She tells us that she's got feelings for Aaron or whatever and stuff. Aaron escorts her out to the limo. They kiss. She calls him "my sweet prince." See 'N Say Aaron tells us that he's fearful that he's going to make the wrong choice.
Commercials. An ad for herpes medication. Bwah ha ha!
Aaron furrows his brow and stands around outside in what he thinks is a photogenic fashion. His fart-smelling efforts of looking thoughtful are hampered by the fact that he's wearing an ugly sleeveless shirt and flip flops again. He narrates over another clip show of Helene and Brooke about how great they are. He smells more farts. He talks and talks and talks and talks about making the right choice and not looking back. More fart-smelling and brow-furrowing. Finally, the producers tell Aaron that they have enough "thoughtful" shots, so Aaron goes back inside to watch football and eat buffalo wings.
At a non-product-placed hotel, Brooke and Helene get up and prepare for the day. They eat. They dress. Aaron tells us that he learned a lot about himself from "this process" about how to be more open and bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT! I'm not listening anymore. Asswipe. Area 51 is more open than Aaron is. He seems to think that being on a show where twenty-five women desperately try to convince him to give him a ring will make him a "better lifelong partner." Whatever. That's like saying eating a gallon of ice cream a day will make you a better dietician.
Now it's Aaron's turn to head to Harry Winston, and he's greeted by the same woman in the same outfit. She shows him all the rings. He makes some vague comment about clarity, and the woman does that thing that salespeople do when they pretend that they think you know a lot about the product they're selling. And then of course, they say that because you know so much, clearly you understand why you just have to buy the most expensive version of whatever it is they're selling. I used to fall for that every time.
Back at the hotel, Brooke and Helene continue to prepare. Somebody paints Helene's fingernails for her.
Back at Harry Winston, the clerk shows Aaron some fancy ring that comes with baguettes on the side. Or something. I told you I don't care. She tells him that fancy shapes are the most popular. So what if they cost even more. You want to be popular, don't you? You don't want to disappoint this woman you want to marry with an unpopular cut, do you? Why don't you just spit on her while you're at it?
While Aaron's staring at some ring that appears to have three diamonds in it, we get a split screen of Brooke doing her hair. She tells her that this is an important day because this is the day Aaron makes the decision. She talks and talks and talks. She could hardly sleep last night. Oh man, she's going to self-recap all her experiences on the show. I'm not cooperating. That's it. They had their clip show last week. This show repeats everything three times already. I'm not re-re-re-re-recapping this. She says she can imagine living with Aaron in Springfield. She concludes, "Every day would be better than the last, and I would love him until the day I die." She puts on a pretty wine-colored cocktail dress and heads out to the limo.
Then we go through the same thing with Helene, except with more braying laughter and "you know"s and "whatever"s and stuff. Aaron is everything Helene is looking for in a guy. She says she's looking forward to finding out what Aaron really thinks about her, and vaguely worries about Brooke. I think she already knows. I think Aaron already told her, but that she's just pretending that she doesn't know for our benefit. She heads out to the limo in a pretty black dress.
Back at Harry Winston, Aaron whines that he wishes picking the love of his life were as easy as picking out diamonds. You poor thing. He decides on the ring with the big diamond centered between two smaller diamonds. He tells us all that he's excited about today and blah blah blah. Clearly, he's made his decision with the women as well. As we see more clips, Aaron narrates that there's a sad side to the day, too. He has to break up with the other woman, who has been nothing but nice to him. Back at Harry Winston, he leaves with the ring.
Commercials. If they could have gotten away with it, they would have shown George Clooney's ass in the commercials for Solaris. You can see that they wanted to.
When we return, Chris gets his paycheck for dragging Aaron into the deliberation room and getting him to repeat everything he's already said this episode. Will Aaron feel relief when it's over? Yes. It's a huge relief. He's made his decision. He's got the ring. Chris says the show was prepared to buy the ring for him, but that he insisted on buying it himself. Ooh, what a big deal. This means that he must want to commit to the girl and couldn't possibly mean that he's going to do something crass like auction the ring off on eBay for three times the sale value when this is all over or anything. Chris creepily insists that this is one of "a thousand" things that Aaron has done to "solidify what a catch [he is]." Eww. God. I'm not buying it. No matter how hard you try to sell him, I'm not buying. Chris explains that Helene and Brooke won't see each other at all today. They'll arrive at the house one at a time, not knowing if the other had been there yet. There, Aaron will tell each of them his decision. Chris duhs that it will be tough, because they're both expecting proposals. Chris blathers some more about nothing, then tells Aaron that he'll see him by the pool when he's ready, and heads out.
You know how many recappers make jokes about poking out their own eyes or throwing things at the television and shrieking and stuff? Suddenly, Aaron starts explaining the whole concept behind the show in narration again, and I did actually scream in frustration. For real. This is awful. This only happens for a couple of seconds, thank God. Then Aaron says that he's not afraid about his decision. His mind is made up. He heads out to the pool and says the same damned thing about no regrets and not looking back that he's said before. I think they reran the same clip.
Out by the pool, somebody has killed a whole lot of pink roses and spread their petals all over the place to make a pathway to some little stone altar. The final rose is sitting on the altar. Aaron stands to it and waits.
Commercials. There's a brief preview of Trista as The Bachelorette, beginning in January. The flashes of the men reveal far too many teeth and really, really fake smiles.
AAAAARRRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!! Aaron narrates again that he's gone from twenty-five ladies down to two. We fucking know! Shutupshutupshutup! For the love of God, zip it! I'm going to hear this in my dreams for years! He says he hopes he makes the right choice and has no regrets and blah blah blah blah blah.
A limo arrives at the house. Chris comes out to greet the passenger, Brooke. She takes his arm and he starts leading her in. In an interview, Brooke tells us she loves Aaron because he's so great and wonderful. She says "it's almost scary" how great Aaron is. I agree that there's something scary about Aaron. Chris escorts Brooke over to the path of flower petals and sends her off to join Aaron to get her little blonde heart crushed. Hope I didn't spoil you, there. She tells us that they keep "building" on their relationship every time they see each other. She says she would hate for him to throw it all away now. Hee. They didn't have enough flower petals to go all the way to the door or anything, so Brooke has to trudge down through the grass for about fifty feet to get to the primrose path.
Brooke joins Aaron at the by the altar. He tells her she looks gorgeous. He tells her that the past six weeks were wonderful. It was a blessing that he got to know her. Her family's wonderful. But it's ovah! It's ovah, li'l Brooke! He says that he doesn't think they're at the same point in their lives. She smiles and nods. He says he wasn't expecting to have such strong feelings about her. He says it breaks his heart to do this to her, but that he's sending her back home to her family and golf class. Brooke keeps her smile planted on her face and says that it's okay. She says that Helene's an amazing girl who will treat Aaron well.
Aaron walks Brooke back out to her car. As he heads out with her, he says to her, "I can only pray that I haven't made a mistake." He's fishing to make sure that Brooke isn't going to say mean things about him. Ass. Brooke says that she's fine. Aaron tells us that Brooke was great, but that he started feeling that age difference when he brought her back to Springfield. It's six years. Six. I dated a guy who was ten years older than I was. We ended up breaking it off because he was too immature for me. Aaron says he's sure Brooke thinks she knows what she wants, but "unless you've had some experience in dating and relationships, you really aren't as prepared as you think you are." He sounds like a college sophomore cracking on the inexperience of the college freshman. Like Aaron's expertise on relationships extends to anything more than staring at her ass and kissing her to shut her up. God, what a tool. Shut up, Aaron. He escorts Brooke into the limo and sees her off.
In the limo, Brooke starts crying as she tells us that she really thought Aaron was "the one" and wonders what happened. You just learned that there's no such thing as "the one," honey. God does not show up in the credits as an Executive Producer. Learn from the experience. Brooke says she knew about his decision the moment she saw him. She says she cares about Aaron so much that she wanted to make the decision "easier on him," so she put on a happy face. She repeats Aaron's comments about making a mistake. She says she wishes she had told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life. She says she was "selfless" in the way she constantly put Aaron's wants ahead of her own. And that didn't work out so well, did it? They're called spines, Brooke. A lot of people like them in their partners. She sobs that she doesn't understand why Aaron didn't understand why she was the right person for him. She thinks that Aaron was afraid. She says that she doesn't deserve this. Aaron tells us that it's not fun to hurt people's feelings. He must not be doing it right. He blathers on about how hard a decision it was and that it weighs heavily on his mind, as we see him standing there with no expression on his face. The only thing weighing heavily on his mind is his giant cranium. Brooke has finally stopped sobbing and tells us again how wonderful Aaron is. She concludes, "Even though I got my heart smashed into a thousand pieces, it was worth it." Sigh. She totally didn't learn a thing.
Commercials.
Helene narrates to us as she's riding in the limo up to the house that it's been an "emotionally and physically wrenching" experience participating in the show and getting to know Aaron. "Physically wrenching"? What, does Aaron like it rough or something? She repeats that she thinks they'd be great together and couldn't pick out a better guy for herself.
Chris greets Helene at the limo and escorts her inside. Aaron tells us that he saw Helene walking toward him, and that it confirmed the decision he had already made. Well, changing your mind now would be a bit problematic. Although I suspect Brooke would still take him back in a heartbeat. Helene makes her way down to the altar rather casually. She's not very good at pretending that she doesn't already know what's going to happen.
Aaron greets Helene with a hug, and they compliment each other. He tells her how beautiful she is some more. He tells her that the last six weeks have been amazing. He tells her that he's definitely fallen in love with her, and he hopes she feels the same way. She brays laughter and insists that she does. They stare at each other and play with each other's hands. Finally, he gets to the question. He gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring. Helene's response to the ring is "Whoo!" Seriously. She tosses in a few "wow"s. And some braying laughter. Aaron slides the ring on her finger and asks Helene if he'll marry her. She says she will, "without a doubt." ABC executives shout, "Ka-Ching! Take that, Aaron Sorkin, you pompous windbag!" Aaron tells Helene that if anybody in the world can make this work, "coming from this situation," he's sure it's the two of them. He says he's looking forward to sharing his life with her. And finding out what her middle name is. They start kissing. She starts talking through their kisses, telling him he's made a wise decision. Oh, and Aaron has to offer her the rose now. That's so stupid. Of course, she accepts it. They kiss some more. Helene narrates to us that she feels like she's found the man of her dreams. She's glad he's her fiancé now. She's glad she stuck it out. She feels lucky. Aaron insists to us that Helene is a "rare find," and is sincere and beautiful and has a great ass. He says that he's been wanting to tell Helene how he feels about her for several weeks but couldn't. Yes, see, on this show about love and romance, they actually have to forbid any love and romance until the end, lest it screws up the central conceit of the show.
And that's it. Well, that's not entirely it. There are still a million media interviews to convince us how much they love each other until the relationship falls apart and they never see each other ever again. Over the closing credits, we get a montage of Helene talking to Aaron during all their make-out sessions. Heh. That's hysterical. That actually makes me like Helene a little more, because she refuses to play Aaron's game. Plus, I do the same thing.
And now, the most shocking epilogue ever! Just kidding. Anyway, when I agreed to recap this show, not only was I unemployed, I was certain that the show would bomb because of what happened after the first season ended, and that it would get cancelled after four episodes at the most. I know. Boy, was I wrong on that prediction. Anyway, now I've got a time-consuming full-time job, and American Idol is heading back to the airwaves soon and it looks like Firefly may last the whole season. There's no way I can recap three shows, one of which will be airing twice a week. So when Trista returns for her second chance to make a mockery of romance, it's going to be Djb rocking the recaps. But, don't worry; Djb has previously recapped Roswell, The Real World Boston, and Push, Nevada, so when it comes to recapping shows where people say the same things over and over again and nothing ever happens, Djb's an expert. So you're in good hands.
Happy Holidays, and don't fall in love with a Chipster.