There are just eleven women left, and if you thought things were serious before, Chris Harrison has some news for you: things are about to get EVEN MORE SERIOUSER, seriously. Also, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, because they're leaving Los Angeles, he tells them, and they get all excited even though they have no idea what's going to happen. Brad has already left Los Angeles, Harrison tells us, and half of the women are excited about THAT for some reason, and the other half gasp like Harrison said Brad DIED for god's sake. These women have the attention span of particularly dense squirrels.
There's lots of shaky travel footage as the women go to Vegas, and they are all excited, which makes sense, because when you think "lifelong commitment to your romantic partner" you think Las Vegas.
They're staying at the Aria, and the limousine with the women pulls up and they get all giggly because Brad is there waiting for them, which seems to come as something of a surprise for some of them. You know, maybe they're not so much like squirrels as they're like dogs who, when their owner leaves the room, they have no idea if their owner is ever coming back. But there's Brad! Bradly braddy Brad!
"They're happy, I'm happy," Brad tells us, after they check into a suite that probably costs more for one night than my wife and I spent on our entire vacation there last summer. The date card arrives, and Michelle reads it, probably expecting that it's for her, but it's for Shawntel. "Let's end tonight with a bang," reads the date card, and thankfully these classy broads make jokes about fucking. And then in an interview Shawntel expresses the legal opinion that tonight HAS to end with a bang because it's printed on the card, and maybe she could explain exactly what she wants in terms of the date ending with a bang.
Brad's going to have fun in Vegas, but he's taking it seriously, y'all! He's excited to go out with Shawntel, says Brad, who then gives himself a compliment by saying, "Every time I'm around, she lights up." You idiot, you're supposed to reverse the subject and the object of the sentence to make it a compliment for her.
And then he takes her to a mall for a shopping spree, albeit "one of the nicest malls in the world," he says. And I saw some sad people in Vegas, but none so sad as the crowd of gawkers watching these two pinheads, with some actually filming their shopping spree on cell phones. Brad says it's every woman's dream to go from shop to shop to pick out anything she wants. I guess if Brad's going to make statements like that, he's going to end up with women like the ones on this show. Shawntel goes nuts. Are we all supposed to believe that A) Brad is paying for any of this or B) even if he is, that money equals romance?
Well, it does for the rest of the women, because Shawntel goes back to the hotel to show off her loot. "It's the perfect Pretty Woman that every girl dreams about," says Ashley S., who doesn't get to compare herself to Julia Roberts yet because at least Julia Roberts' character got paid for being a prostitute.
The rest of the women prove Brad's sexist "women be shopping!" statement correct by drooling over everything that Shawntel picked out, and by mercenarily trying to figure out just how much money Brad spent, I mean, how much he loves Shawntel. Michelle actually seems to like Shawntel, even though she thinks Shawntel isn't right for Brad. Nobody's right for Brad except for Michelle, is how the theory goes. Her thought process on deciding who should marry Brad is roughly equivalent to the editorial meeting at Oprah's O meeting to decide who should be on the cover this month.
And now that it's a little later, the women are drinking and discussing what the rest of the date is going to be like. "Something fancy!" chirps one of them. They're not allowed out of the suite, right? I mean, is there any reason why they would stay in their hotel room unless they weren't contractually obligated?
So what's the capper to the evening? Oh, of course. Dinner on the roof. OF THE MALL. Brad says it's the perfect way for them to see all the lights of Las Vegas, but this building is much smaller than the surrounding buildings, plus there's actually a tower, the Stratosphere, that they COULD have gone to. Plus they could have rappelled from the top and maybe had tragic accidents?
And then Brad and Shawntel discuss her profession, which is funeral director, so this goddamn awful show plays this Addams Family-esque music the whole time, and Brad lies and says he really wants to know what embalming is like, and then we get several interviews where he acts like this is the most messed up conversation he's ever had. It's sad that for the first time he has a conversation that isn't "Are you ready for love? I'm ready for love" that he acts like a dick about it.
And then his champagne cork pops prematurely (not a euphemism), and he calls her the hottest funeral director he knows, which is supposed to be a joke but is really kind of a dickish thing to say, and he gives her the rose, and then fireworks go off on the roof of the Aria, and the women in their hotel suite throw themselves against the window trying to see the fireworks, and get all glum about the Brad and Shawntel on the fireworks date, instead of realizing that fireworks go off every night in Vegas.
day: group date time: "Let's go speed dating." The women clap and giggle like they have any idea what that means. Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle are the ones going.
That means that the two Ashleys are going on a two-on-one date, which means that only one of them will be coming home. The two Ashleys cry and hug and carry on about it, like the woman who doesn't get the rose will be put to death. The other women act similarly shocked -- one of them says something like, "That's awful, you've come so close!" and you kind of want to remind her that it's either them or you. Michelle can barely hide her glee at the prospect of separating the Ashleys. Say what you will about Michelle, at least she knows that every woman who goes home is a step closer to her winning. She's so excited that she hopes BOTH Ashleys go home, which then gives her an orgasm.
So what's the group date? It's a trip to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway, a NASCAR track. Finally, we're going to combine the excitement of a "sport" that involves watching traffic turn left for two-hundred laps with The Bachelor! Brad arrives in a racecar and is somewhat surprised not to be immediately fellated by all of the women in his sexy racing-car-guy suit. Then we watch some corny shots of Brad and his harem dressed in race outfits and walking shoulder to shoulder through the smoke of a NASCAR track, and then we watch the women drive slowly around the race track while the edits try to make it seem like they're racing each other at the same time, instead of for the most part just taking turns doing a lap around the track.
And as we all know, Emily's fiancé was a racecar driver who died. Not racing, mind you, but in a plane crash (which is why the plane ride was tough on her). But since racing is what he did, this is tough on her too. Look, I'm no bereavement counselor; take all the time you need. But if everything you do reminds you of your dead fiancé -- and you're wearing what looks like an engagement ring on your left hand -- maybe you're not ready to date again. Emily tells us that Brad knows her fiancé died but not that he was a racecar driver, which I'll have to take her word on, because whenever I've finished an episode of this show, I delete it from my DVR, then I go all Office Space on my DVR and have to get a new one from the cable company. So I can't exactly verify it.
After the commercial break, Brad has finally figured out that Emily is not OK with this, and he takes her aside to talk to her about what's going on, and she tells him that Ricky was a driver, and it was actually a crash at this speedway that ended his career. Brad
feels like a jerk, which is the first time he's said anything that makes sense, but it's not like it's only because of this.And Brad tells her she doesn't have to do this, but she insists on doing it, so she gets in the damn car, and she cries. "I'm really just thinking about how much I miss Ricky," says Emily. Marry her, Brad! Brad checks on her one last time before she drives off on the track, and by the time she's done she's magically over her dead fiancé.
And now it's time for dinner, or as Britt calls it for some reason, the "after party," and thank god the Las Vegas Motor Speedway doesn't have a roof, because you know that's where dinner would be. And by this point the women are a little tired of Emily getting all of Brad's attention because he pulls her aside again. Alli in particular is all, "We've ALL got problems." And we watch the conversation between Brad and Emily, and it's the most painful, awkward conversation, with Brad raising the thorny issue of how he can't compete with the love of her life who died six years ago.
Emily seems a little put out by this, both in the conversation and in talking-heads, where she essentially says, "Here we go again, all I do is cry every time something reminds me of the love of my life who died six years ago, and my date runs for the hills, seen it a million times." Seems a little unfair to be grouchy about a potential new boyfriend not being able to handle your shit when you yourself can't. "I am just so ready for this not to be an issue in my life anymore," says Emily, because she drove around a racetrack and now she's OK with everything.
And so Alli was really annoyed at Emily hogging all the Brad time, but when she gets to sit down with him she just bawls her eyes out. "It's just hard to feel special," says Alli, crying. And then Chantal is whining to Brad about how it's hard to watch him spend all that time with someone else. "If you don't care for me, I want you to send me home," she says, crying, so he says, "Don't cry, babe," which was pretty gross. She thinks he's looking after Emily because he's such a good guy that it makes her like him more, only she slips up and says "love" first and there's some back and forth joshing, and at least she stopped fucking crying, because when she's not crying I like Chantal the best, but that's relative whenever you're talking about The Bachelor. "This woman makes me want to shoot myself the least."
Speaking of women who make me want to shoot myself, the two Ashleys are back at the hotel listening to Shawntel read the date card: "Come swing with the king. Brad." There's another card: "Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes. Chris." Ashley H. says this sucks, because she's sad because she doesn't want to go home, but it sucks because she doesn't want the other Ashley to go home! It also sucks when people don't have brains and don't realize that only one can win this stupid show.
Back at the dinner, Brad sits down with the women and is all, "What are you talking about?" and one of them says, "You" and Chantal says, "Feeling special," and Brad is all awkward so Michelle takes him aside and tells him there are a lot of immature girls there, and then she sticks her tongue down his throat.
And then Brad comes back to the group with the rose and takes Emily aside (Alli is instantly depressed), like there was at all any doubt from the moment she told him about Ricky that she would be getting the rose tonight. He tells her that the rose comes with a promise, that from now on he's totally going to be himself, good or bad, and I'd just like to know what he's been doing up 'til now. And he's falling for her now, even more so, or whatever.
So it's time for the two-on-one date. Brad explains that he picked the two of them for this date because he's had awesome dates with both of them, and he's got strong feelings for both of them. Yeah, so you'd better send one of them home! You'd hate to have to continue having awesome dates with women you care about.
They go to a Cirque du Soleil rehearsal for their Viva Elvis show. Brad claims to be a huge fan. "I am a huge Cirque du Soleil fan. Over-the-top shows, over-the-top performances... yeah, we're living the dream. It's Viva Elvis, baby!" says Brad. I chose to include that quote because each time Brad opens his mouth I like him less, mainly because he says ridiculous things like "Yeah, we're living the dream, it's Viva Elvis, baby!" and sounds not so much like an English speaker but an extra-terrestrial in a movie about an alien that learned to speak English by watching television commercials.
We watch a long commercial for the Viva Elvis show -- and I have to say that I saw their Beatles show last summer, and words cannot do it justice. Anyway, we all know that these three are going to be part of the show, even though both Ashleys seem on the verge of throwing up the entire time. "I am going to be fighting a lot of inner demons today," says Ashley S., the cuter one, the non-artist-dentist one. It bums her out that it seems like she's always trying to convince a guy to want to be with her. Yeah, well, great job going on The Bachelor then.
Back at the hotel, Chantal and Shawntel are discussing who they'd prefer to come home. Chantal says she thinks it's better if Ashley H. comes home, because she's not as likely to last until the end. That doesn't make a ton of sense, given that whichever of the Ashleys comes back, that's the one who Brad likes the most, so it doesn't matter for Chantal's odds which one does come back (but thank god she's figured out that maybe it would be great if neither of them came back). Shawntel thinks Ashley S. would be better for the emotional stability of the house. I agree that this lot is some kind of emotional Chernobyl.
Back at the Cirque du Soleil rehearsal, the Cirque guy is explaining to the women that he is willing to risk any credibility he has by actually putting them in the show, but it will be Brad and just one woman, whomever Brad chooses to stay. We watch much more rehearsal, with Brad and the Ashleys in turn flying around on wires. Ashley S. glumly watches Ashley H. practise with Brad, and she moans about how she wants to find that special someone, and it would be great if it were Brad. She's put a lot into this, and she doesn't want to go home this early. I hate to tell her that one or other part of that sentence can be true, but not both.
So: dinner at a fancy Vegas restaurant, where Brad tells the Ashleys that "this weighs very heavily" on his heart, but it's only because he's an awesome guy who cares so much. He talks about what a babe Ashley S. is, and then thanks Ashley H. for "solidifying" that he really has changed.
"I think you will make an extraordinary wife. I don't think you'll make an extraordinary wife for me," he says. Jesus. It's like the end of Old Yeller. She seems to hold it together with Brad, but cries in the interview with us. "I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. And the heart." And the brain? She doesn't know how she went from the first impression rose to, um, not competing with a dozen other women for the same guy. The interview goes on for so long and she cries SO MUCH that I actually have a hard time watching it. I do, however, enjoy the husky crew member looking back and forth between the two packed suitcases in the hotel suite foyer, with the women gasping when he takes Ashley S.'s bag, because they always seem to forget that ONE of them is going home.
I'm really glad Ashley H. and Brad enjoyed themselves in the show. I really hope the audience members enjoyed paying full price to see a show with performers who learned their parts in an afternoon. I hope the rest of the cast of the show enjoyed their career and hard work trivialized with the inclusion of the dilettantes.
Hours later, Ashley S. is still crying.
Please tell me we're not going to watch another therapy session. Oh, shit. Brad says it's been a tough week, and he realizes a lot of the women are getting emotionally investe
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d. "My first instinct would be to close off and not hurt a single woman in this process, but I can't allow myself to do that." He can't allow himself to not hurt women, he tells us. THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD US.So he calls his therapist, who reminds him that he's there to find his wife. "Your loyalty is not to any of the girls, it's to the mission. Your mission is to find her." Brad estimates he made eighty percent of the women cry tonight. The therapist says he needs to let that stuff go, and he talks about Brad being vulnerable himself, and a whole lot of blah blah blah. It's ridiculously boring. What Brad takes out of it: "Strength and vulnerability can coexist."
Cocktail party time! Brad comes in to greet the women, and he talks about how there have been a lot of emotions and blah blah blah the exact same speech every bachelor makes every episode at the start of every cocktail party. "I want to be there if anyone wants to talk. That being said, let's have a good evening," he says. Translation: suck it up, you crybabies. Brad tells us he doesn't need the drama in his life. Aw. He talks like he's a 15-year-old girl's Facebook status.
Chantal seems dangerously on the chopping block, because of the way she cried, but she explains that it was tough on everyone to see Brad spend so much time with Emily on the group date. "Any time I see a woman cry, I'm going to stop anything I'm doing and try to comfort her," says Brad, who adds that he would have done the exact same thing with any of them. I hate to tell Brad that "I don't have time for the drama in my life" is the opposite of "NO WOMAN NO CRY." But it's not like he actually believes that shit. I think he thinks it's something that makes him sound like a sensitive stud. He also wants Chantal to stop giving him so much shit, by which he means the teasing that up until now he has said he LOVES about her.
So the rest of his night seems to be damage control, with Chantal O, with Alli, with Marissa. There is talk of "walls" and "journey" and "out of the box" and "chemistry." Now he is talking to Britt, which prompts Michelle's worst Lady Macbeth routine yet: she drags Brad into a separate room and closes the door. She sits Brad down in a chair, orders him not to talk, and lays everything out for him.
"I think you need someone who appreciates everything about you, and I don't know if some of the girls here even realize what is right in front of them." She says he wants to keep in mind that she's different from the other women here. "I think you should send some girls home now." By this point, she's punctuating her statements with kisses. See, this is why Brad's keeping Michelle. It's manipulative and transparent, but damned if it's not effective. Guaranteed he's got a boner right now. She leads him out of the room, saying that the time they spend time together, he'll be allowed to talk.
Rose ceremony. Chris says a lot of blah blah, and then Brad comes out and talks about how he cares for all of them, but the rose ceremony is about whether he can see himself married to them.
So: Michelle. Alli. Britt. Jackie. Chantal gets the last rose, which means that Marissa and Lisa are going home. Considering that we hardly ever saw Lisa, not surprising. She hastily hugs him and then scurries off away. "Even I'm not sure which one I am!" she tells us. (Not really.)
Brad hugs Marissa and asks her to try to understand. "It hurts having to leave feeling I was rejected," Marissa says. Uh, is there another way to leave? She wipes away tears, as did Lisa, and she says the usual nonsense about putting herself out there. "I left behind a lot to come here," she says, adding that she's got so much to give, and just needs to find someone who's ready to accept it.
Of course, if Brad saw Ashley H. annoyingly trying to stuff her huge teddy bear into her suitcase, he might have sent her packing as well, and Marissa could have stayed.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's glad he went to Vegas before The Bachelor cheapened the whole place. This season, at least. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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