By Jeff Long
With Valentine's Day so recently upon us, let's go ahead and continue the mercenary romance with another episode of The Bachelor! Shall we?
We begin (post-5 minutes of previews and reminisces, seriously) with Jason looking at some ducks from the deck of his houseboat in Seattle. He VO's that he really enjoyed the hometown visits. All of the towns were very different and, while he previously thought he might have an idea of who "the one" (gross) was after visiting her home, he still doesn't know. Of course not! The season's not over yet! Isn't it funny the way love works?
As he is packing, we hear him say that he's taking the remaining girls on a vacation to New Zealand. He has wanted to go there for 10 years. He says it will be hard to say goodbye to Ty again, but it's for a good purpose -- finding the woman with whom he's going to spend the rest of his life (or at least 2009...maybe?). He says that he already knows the remaining girls very well and is "falling for them" in different ways.
We see a flashback of his time with Jillian -- seriously, seemingly all of it. He says that she's a blast to be with and probably has more strength than any of the other girls. I'm assuming that's because her mom suffers from depression and all the ensuing drama. He wonders though if she is too independent to be in his life -- she has got to WANT that rose. He took her aside in Seattle and told her that she can't be so strong all of the time. Really? She defended herself in regards to her possession of some sort of dignity, which unfortunately excludes her airing of dark family secrets for the benefit of Walt Disney. She promised to make herself more vulnerable.
Jason says that he and Jillian are past the fun stage and now he can actually imagine them as husband and wife -- hello, redundant. But he is not sure if he and Jillian have a romantic connection. Therefore, that's her mission in New Zealand: to make young Jason hot for her. I think the "Skin-e-bachelor" remix of what's going to happen later ruins the suspense there. Seriously, the previews to this week's episode is like watching The Reader. He says that being with Jillian in the end would be "amazing."
up, we get a replay of his time with Molly. He was attracted to her and her eyes upon meeting her. Then they kissed a lot, which he liked, but he really needed her to "let her wall down." She did that, apparently while camping. He loved meeting her family and, you guessed it, can very much see himself spending the rest of his days with Molly.
He had an instant attraction with Melissa and we get to see all of it again. However, he's leery of girls like Melissa, because she reminds him of DeAnna and his ex. At first, he wasn't sure if she was ready to settle down, but she wants to be a first-grade teacher. Problem solved. Then, as his feelings for her were growing, he wasn't sure how she felt. So she melted down and starting bawling in front of him. Is that how we know someone has feelings for us? She tells him that she has "fallen" for him. Ew. But, her parents had the good sense to not appear on this show, so now he can't really make a decision about her without having met them.
As Jason, fully-clothed, is standing on a rock surrounded by water in New Zealand, he tells us that he has traveled half-way around the world to find love. He's in Queenstown, New Zealand and thinks it's the most beautiful place in the world. He's going to take Jillian, Molly, and Melissa on "three unforgettable fantasy dates." Do they need special glasses for that? He interviews in candlelight that these dates are important because they get to spend more time together. Most importantly though, they get to spend the night together. How clinical and unspontaneous and romantic. Jason says that he knows his wife is in this group of girls.
Jason picks Jill up roadside in a chauffeured helicopter. She thinks the chopper is a great idea. They are both wearing plaid shirts and jeans. She VO's that she is on top of the world because of the amazing CONNECTION that she and Jason have built. He gets out of the helicopter and they embrace like it has been years. Years! This Jason is a little too precious, right? He takes her into the helicopter and they are off on their date. The scenery is pretty amazing. Jason says that he is with the perfect girl for this date, ostensibly because she looks so gorgeous. That's a weird thing to say when you are wearing the same outfit. Jill says that she feels like the luckiest woman in the world. They land on a remote mountaintop with an amazing view. A picnic has been pre-set for them. Jill says that they are so lucky to experience such beauty while falling in love.
Jill asks Jason how he would describe her to his peeps back home. He says fun, gorgeous, exciting, and adventurous. He asks if that's how she thinks of herself. It is. He asks her the same question and she gives a long-winded version of "Nice guy that I'd like to bone." She VO's that their CONNECTION is amazing. She says that "it's safe to say" she is "falling in love" with Jason. She tells Jason that she is looking for her best friend and relays a story about her awesome grandparents as an example. Jason tells us that Jillian seems like a great friend, but he's looking for a more passionate connection. Uh-oh. He says that he wants more than a best friend. He's moving a little bit from precious to the dense or douche-y territory, yes? Oh my God, Jason says that he and Jill are on the edge of a cliff right now -- which is a literal manifestation of where their relationship is. Oh my. He says their step is to see if they have passion. "Is it too much to ask for the world?" If you're asking, you clearly don't know the answer. But, for clarity's sake -- yes, it's too much to ask.
Later that night, Jill meets Jason at the winery where he is staying. She is dressed to the nines in a short white iridescent dress and knee high black leather boots. I think the boots take away a little from the look, but that's me and maybe she was just trying to pack efficiently. Jason loves the look and wonders if his jeans and untucked shirt are insufficiently dressy. Blah, blah, she's the luckiest girl in the world.
They have dinner together in an empty, dramatically lit room. He tells us that, if dinner goes well, he has the option of inviting Jill to a night in a "fantasy suite." He thinks that spending the night with someone is an important part of a relationship. Wow -- unsexiest sentence ever. He asks her to describe how she's feeling about everything. She says that she feels overwhelmed when she's not with him, but she sees him and gets butterflies in her stomach. Hmm, I'd like some definition of the distance between "overwhelmed" and "butterflies." Meanwhile, while she's working her ass off with this flowery nonsense, he's just staring at her with this goofy expectant grin on his face.
He gives her a kiss. He tells us that he has been waiting for her to spill her guts like she just did. Then she asks him if he has something for her. She wants that invitation to the "fantasy suite." He seems a little shocked, but he gives it to her anyway. She asks him if he can handle a whole night with her. "Without a doubt." Really? This is happening? I'm a grown man, but I'd have a lot of explaining to do to the folks if I were spending the night in a hotel suite with virtual strangers. Wouldn't most people? Slutty Walt Disney. Jillian tells us that she wants to see if they CONNECT physically, but wanted to make sure he could handle "all of this fire." Light and funny, but still kind a tawdry.
In the suite, they have a champagne toast to "one of the best dates" Jason has ever had. I understand that he has to maintain suspense and all, but that's a pretty lame toast when the girl has just agreed to spend the night with you. He tells us that he has "incredibly strong feelings towards Jill." He thinks his family might like Jill more than anyone he has ever dated. "It's possible" that he might be falling in love with her.
Bikini and board shorts-clad, they retreat to the hot tub, champagne in hand. Then they start making out hard-core. She tells him that he's the most remarkable person she has ever met. Then, accompanied by Spanish music, they REALLY make out. Like, I think I see rubbing beneath the water. No, I do. I see rubbing. At one point, he has her on the edge of the hot tub and her legs are wrapped around him and she's grabbing his ass. I'm not kidding. He says that he could "feel her hands" on him. This guy is stupid. And, that's that.
The day, he's standing on a road with an umbrella. Molly appears from around a bend on the road and runs to him. He says that today is all about Molly. They kiss when they get to each other, which Molly says was like a scene out of a movie. She says that spending the day with Jason will take their relationship "to the level" because it has been goofy up to this point.
To make things serious, he takes her bungee jumping, which was apparently invented in Queenstown. That's a crazy little fact. Jason tells Molly that he signed the release for the bungee company before reading it -- she's thinking that she did the same thing in regards to this show. She tells us that she's happy to bungee jump with Jason, because it's scary and they will have each other to get through it. She thinks the experience will be "groundbreaking" for their relationship. It's like they're speaking a completely different language, but with words that I use.
So, it's raining, which doesn't seem like it should affect a bungee experience, but still makes me nervous. They are standing on this little ledge on a bridge with their feet tied together. He gives her a kiss and asks her if she's going to count. She says on the count of three they'll fall, but he criticizes her for not counting down. Lame. She still does it her way. Someone mentioned it on the forum and it's totally true -- someone pushes them on the count of three. It stands to reason, time is money and people could potentially pussyfoot forever. They fall and Jason screams like a little girl. At the bottom, we hear him ask if he's the only one screaming. Yes, you are. Molly later interviews that it was a very romantic moment for the two of them, but I'm not so sure.
They have brunch together and talk about how much fun bungee jumping was. He says that she was shaking a little bit, but we all just saw that he was totally the girl. That may sound inappropriate, but this show is all about antiquated gender roles. She tells us that she was very excited about Jason after the hometown date. Her parents didn't like her last serious boyfriend, but they loved Jason. She tells Jason that she came with a list of questions. He seems kind of put off -- I mean, God forbid he should have to prove himself at all in his quest to find a bride. She asks him if he's nervous and he says no. "Should I be?" "No." She begins and they are all silly questions. If he could only eat one kind of food for the rest of his life, what would it be? Hamburger. No hesitation there. Favorite ice cream? Peanut butter and chocolate. For the life of me, I don't know why this is, for I love me some peanut butter and I love chocolate, but that answer seems really stupid to me. Molly says that she wants to know the little things about him. His favorite place in the world? Greece. Favorite holiday? "Birthdays." See? That's stupid. You could explain it, but is still sounds dumb. Favorite meal of the day? He doesn't know, but it's not breakfast. We don't hear what his answer is, but she asks what body part of his he's proudest of. I'm guessing his tits. They're nice, right? He says he's never thought of that question, but Molly, almost redeeming herself for being on this show, says, "Yes you have." He'd go to an Elvis concert if he could. If he could be any person for a day, he would be President, so he could make a difference. If his house were on fire and he could grab one thing, he would get his "old school Air Jordan sneakers." Not bad. The favorite period of his life? Now. "Ah, that's sweet."
His morning routine is super fast-- he takes 20 minutes (lie) to get ready. Shaving is the longest part. He asks her how long it takes her to get ready and she says 45 minutes. Oh, she wouldn't have 45 minutes with this guy, so living by the seat of his pants is he. Jesus, I just became Cindy Adams. She says she can be fast too and describes the 5-minute version of her routine (pony tail, chap stick, brushed teeth). That's a pretty fierce fast forward. Sounds like someone's familiar with the walk of shame. He says that he loves the "relaxed, easy look." What a douche. I hate guys that say that shit. He likes the "relaxed, easy look" because he rarely sees it. We'll see how he feels about that look when he hasn't seen her in make-up in 3 months. Also, someone who spends 20 minutes getting ready? What does he know from "looks?" Molly says that their dinner tonight will be different because now she's falling in love with him -- I mean, they have bungee jumped and had brunch together. She's leaving one of her questions for tonight. Jason tells us that he and Molly will need to have a more serious conversation tonight if their relationship is to progress.
That night, Molly is on her way to see Jason for dinner. She says that she is nervous, because it's hard for her to talk about her feelings, which she feels that Jason wants from her. He's such a ball of expression himself -- he really does have the right to be so demanding. He greets her at the winery, this time in jeans and a henley. He tells us that he is having a great time with her, but she needs to show him that she cares for him. Why? Because he "can't give [himself] to her and not get anything back." Yeah, that would be hard. Kind of like what every woman on the show has had to go through, right?
They sit in these furry chairs that I think are supposed to remind us of all of the sheep in New Zealand. Jason says that he's worried Molly might "curl up" and shy away from him. They have this awkward exchange where she tells him that New Zealand is her favorite place and he asks her why and she says it's gorgeous and the circumstances are unusual and exciting. He wants more though and just stares at her like she FAILED. He tells us that he has to pull a lot of things out of her. He thinks tonight will be a "big night."
He tells her that, though he "loved" her family, her parents and her sister and brother-in-law sat with space between them when he visited them. He's more affectionate than that. Check the previews, the sister is sitting close to her husband. She says that her family is not mushy and they don't say, "I love you" every time they talk. But they love each other. However, she likes to be more affectionate with boyfriends. She wants to let her guard down (gross), but she is having a hard time being vulnerable. He says that he can't make any promises, but he doesn't "want" to hurt her. All better. Molly says that it's the reality that it's a sticky situation. Also, she tells him that she loves him and they start kissing. In return, he says, "You know, without a doubt, I care about you a lot." This feels like extortion of something. Then, she gives him the 20th question. It reads: "Since you have already asked me to spend the night with you, I'd like to invite you to spend the night with me, because I am falling in love with you." Nasty. He hadn't even given her the invitation yet. I hate this. She tells us that giving the invite to him proved that she wants to be there. I wonder what else you're going to have to do to prove that.
They go into the fantasy suite, where hopefully the sheets have been changed, and start making out. He thanks her for "opening up" to him at dinner. He tells us that he "finally felt loved." With swimsuits on, they get into a bubble bath. At least production is classy enough to have him getting it on with the assorted girls in different locales.
Now it's on to Melissa. He's waiting on a small bridge and tells us that he likes Melissa, but he didn't get to meet her family. Which bothers him (lie). Melissa appears and they embrace ala Little House on the Prairie. Melissa tells us that she's excited for this date because she doesn't have to worry about the other girls or getting a rose. Only for a moment though. Girls and roses are happening later, trust me. He has a surprise her and she says that she doesn't get surprised a lot. "Not even by your family?" It takes her a second to get the slam. They're taking a ride on a yacht that belonged to the "old Prime Minister of England, Winston Churchill." She says "Winston Churchill" after he's completely finished saying it himself and he acts impressed, like she's all Alex Trebek or something. She points at her head and says it's more than a hat rack, which is a pretty decent joke. But, seriously, Margaret Thatcher anyone? Tony Blair? Madonna? They've had more than one Prime Minister.
The boat is freaking BEAUTIFUL. Jason wants to pick up with Melissa where they left off -- which was at a romantic and passionate place. She tells him that she is nervous now -- she's thinking that there's a possibility that her heart will be broken. She's an old pro at heartbreak -- something tells me she has a future as The Bachelorette. That whole I've-been-dumped-so-many-times thing might endear her to viewers. Of the other show. She tells us that she's not worried about any "walls." Jason tells us that he still has doubts about Melissa because of the not meeting the parents thing.
After the boat, they get into their bathing suits and partake of some natural hot pools. The pool has a beautiful view of the mountains. They discuss why her parents wouldn't want to be a part of this organic and dignified experience. She says they are laid-back and she wanted them to see how happy Jason makes her. He tells us that her parents wouldn't change how he feels about he r-- but it can only go so far.
That night, he meets her for dinner. They, of course, are dropped off half a mile from each other and have to walk the distance. The effect is wearing off. She's in a lovely cocktail. He is in a sweater and jeans. Still underdressed, still not doing anything about it. Melissa says that she thought the date had ended earlier, so she's excited.
They go to a private room in a restaurant in Queenstown. Would that be the restaurant named "Studio Set?" Love that place. More family talk. She says that she's the black sheep (term suggested by Jason, who knows if she really knows what it means) of the family, but she talks to her brother at least 5 times a week. And she sees her parents 2 or 3 times a week. Not bad for a black sheep. So it looks like he's thinking that her parents not meeting him is about her lack of closeness to them rather than their respect for proper courtship and dignity in general. I think he's wrong. She tells him that she was terrified to tell him that he wasn't meeting her parents.
She asks if the parents thing is a big deal. It is, but he liked meeting her friends. Jason gives her the "fantasy suite" invitation. She accepts. Has anyone considered that this show might be a argument for polygamy? Just wondering.
At the suite, she tells him that she's scared of all that she's feeling. She says she has never felt like this. He keeps giving her a look that is half sweet, half frightening. She says she loves him and he kisses her. He tells us that he can't open up completely unless he knows that the girl is all the way there. Really? How douche-y. He tells us that he's "completely falling for her." Lots of making out. He says he can't get enough of her. He closes the blinds to their suite, sealing his fate with her parents.
The day, we see shirtless Jason grooming. He wears a suit for the rose ceremony. He says he could envision all three of the girls as his wife. Life with each of them would be a different path -- he just has to decide what path he wants. Chris asks him how he liked New Zealand. He loved it. He can't believe he is interested in the three girls. He says that Jill is looking for her best friend, but he's looking for "more" than that. He thought that Molly was distant, but she opened up. He says he doesn't know if he could propose to Melissa without meeting her family.
Whoever gets a rose will meet his son and family. He tells Chris that he doesn't know what he's going to do, which I'm not sure I believe. Chris tells Jason that each girl made a private video message for him. Jill thanks him for their time together. She is in awe of him. She has never CONNECTED with anyone like she has with Jason. She says she'll cook for him. Molly thanks him for the New Zealand date. She's madly in love with him. Melissa says it's easy to be herself around Jason. She loves him and thanks him for being him. He says he has "fallen" for all of them.
Chris greets the girls and says that one will be taking a plane home tonight. Jason comes out. His suit jacket doesn't look like it fits all that well. He tells them how beautiful they are and that he has "fallen" for them. Jesus, with the falling! He's sad that he's hurting one of them. Get on with it. First rose goes to...Melissa. I probably should have known that, right? She accepts it and goes back to her spot. rose goes to...Molly! Ouch. I really did not pick that right. Jill's kind of awesome (appearance on this show notwithstanding, naturally), right? She has to catch her breath after she is dumped.
Jason asks to walk her out. She smiles sweetly and walks in with him. They sit on that horrible little pew and he apologizes. He says he does have strong feelings for her. He doesn't think that he can keep up with her. She says that she doesn't think their lives are that different. In fact, she did a lot in her life while she was single so she'd be ready to marry now. He brings up the "best friends" stuff. She says that when you're 90, you'll want your best friend. Amen. He says that it has to be "more" and she agrees -- she thinks they had that. She says that she had a dream recently where she was playing upstairs with Ty and he tried on a pair of her high heels (uh oh, omen) and they ran downstairs to show him. Then, the three of them curled up and took a nap on the couch. That's very sweet. She says she's totally in love with him and has never felt this way before. She's looking for someone who loves her for her and he says she deserves that. This dude's a wuss. He walks her to the car, she hugs him, then she's gone. He seems misty-eyed but I'm not buying it.
In the car, she says she had been jaded about love, but she found something with Jason. This is embarrassing. She's feeling a little defensive, it seems. Her heart is broken. Jason is squeezing tears out on that little pew. He says it was tough sending her home. He was "falling" for her, but wasn't in love with her. Whatever. He's "falling" for the other two women too. He goes back to see the girls. He tells us that he plans on marrying one of the women.
Jeff Long is falling and he can't get up. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com
Got somethin' ta say about this season of The Bachelor? Like perhaps why Jason insists on twirling the girls when he greets them like they're ballroom dancing or something? Vent on our forum.