By Angel Cohn
Previously: Daniel did an excellent weecap about all of the weepy bitches who played tennis, had some tea, and got sent packing. Now you are stuck with me for the night. It's my very first attempt at weecaping. And to make matters worse, I'm not really a Bachelor watcher. Everything I know about the show I've learned from weecaps. Bear with me, and rest assured that Daniel will be back week.
Okay, this Matt guy is kinda cute, maybe it is just the accent. I'm just so grateful that this show has been going on for weeks already and there are only six women left so that I don't have keep track of 26 women. Tonight, the announcer promises that Matt takes the girls to Sun Valley where they frolic merrily in the snow and try not to throw icy snowballs at the competition. Voiceover man also assures us that we'll see the "most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history." As I mentioned, I'm not a Bachelor expert so I can't attest to the truth of this statement, but given what I know from all the other reality TV shows I've seen, I'm thinking that I'm inevitably going to be let down.
Chris says this is a big week because the four girls that make it through get to take Matt home to meet their parents. That means two girls are kicked off tonight. Wow, they really fly through this show with the multiple eliminations don't they? Big Brother could stand to take a lesson. Chris also informs the gals that there are no "date roses" up for grabs, that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date, and of course there is a twist.
Chris doesn't have a date box with him this week. (What the hell is a date box? Is it some kind of raffle?) Chris tells the girls that they are going to Sun Valley, Idaho. Shrill screaming ensues, making me regret my decision to fill-in already. Chris looks relieved to have the girls out of the house for a week.
In a talking head, the overly confident Shayne says she's really excited about the trip because she's excellent at skiing and that she's looking forward to showing Matt her ski skills. I'm sure she's got some off-the-slopes skills she'd like to show off as well. Then there's Noelle who's super excited and sweetly wishes she had Matt to herself. She doesn't really seem like your typical dating show contestant, though admittedly I mostly watch the Rock of Love and Flavor of Love ilk of love matching, so I'm used to the girls being a little (or actually a lot) skankier. Noelle is actually wearing clothes and not flaunting her giant breasts. I'm so confused. Is this show about personality? No wonder it is off my radar.
Matt's standing in the snow waiting for his little snow bunnies, being all "Yay, America, these ski resorts are totally as awesome as the ones I'm usually at in France. Don't hate me because I'm not from your country." Whatever, keep talking with that accent and I'll forgive you for pretty much anything.
Snowball fight! Everyone gets tossed in the show bank by Matt -- who is gung-ho about proving his manliness -- except Marshana, She runs away and then coyly lets him catch her, 'Cause playing hard to get ALWAYS works on these shows. Then Shayne's a talking head again, talking about snuggling up with Matt. "I love to cuddle. It's one of my favorite things." I knew she had more on her mind than showing off her ski skills.
An annoyed Robin looks more and more irritated as the girls discuss who is getting the one-on-one dates with Matt. Honey, try smiling, because if you are making that sourpuss face around him, I'm surprised you lasted this long. The infamous date box arrives on the doorstep and looks like...a sled. Kind of like tree mail. I get it now. Chelsea gets the first date with Matt. Now the other girls are all jealous.
Matt's mission is to get six down to four. Deep. Ooh, pretty horses. These big Clydesdales make me want a beer. Or maybe it is just that Chelsea's annoying voice would be more tolerable with a beer, or two. They discuss PDAs. Chelsea voices over that she hates holding hands and watching people hold hands. Then she calls Matt "buddy." He voices over that he needs someone affectionate. I'm thinking Chelsea is history...45 minutes from now. Oh god, it's not even close to over.
The date goes to Amanda, Robin, Marshana, and Shayne, they are heading to the slopes. Meaning Noelle gets the remaining one-on-one date. Robin looks pissed. Again, she needs to stop with those ugly-ass faces. Perky Noelle diaries that she's super excited. Clearly. Marshana admits she's happy that Robin (now the only person who hasn't had a one-on-one date) didn't get it. I think I like divalicious Marshana.
Back to Matt's date with Chelsea. He insults her and tells her that he doesn't like her sense of humor. She looks horrified, until he reveals he's joking. He thinks they could be "best mates." Sounds like true love to me. Then there's talk about her wanting to be romantic and how he "completely digs her." Maybe she's not going home. She steps away from the date for a few minutes, steals some paper from the concierge and writes him a "fantasy suite" card. She "wants to get to know him in other ways." She totally invites herself back to his place. Slutty, but honest. And then she kisses him, despite her claim to hate public displays of affection. She does know that this airs on TV with millions of viewers, right? How much more public can you get?
morning, Matt takes his fab foursome out on the mountain. He's excited because he's dating four girls and "two of them are virgins ...on the slopes." Oh, the appeal of the British accent has officially worn off for me now thanks to that cornball comment. Robin thinks that Matt has some 'splainin' to do about why he doesn't want to have one-on-one time with her. Look in a mirror. That's all the explanation you need.
First up to hit the slopes is "virgin" Amanda, who I don't think has even said a word in this episode. She thinks he's a good teacher. Talking head Marshana is also a "virgin" but she's sucking it up. Unfortunately, she spends more time falling on her ass than talking with Matt. She seems bummed. Whatever, I still think I like her.
Chelsea brings Noelle her date box (again, not a box), which is a tray of cocoa to signify their ice skating date. Then back on the mountain, Matt's on a ski lift sucking face with Shayne. Wonder how naive little Noelle would react to that. Matt diaries that Shayne was his little snow monkey today. Is that a compliment in London? He thinks she's got mad snowboarding skills. Then when we see her again, she's pulling out makeup from her parka, to freshen up after a mini-wipeout. Matt loves this; they make out and roll in the snow.
Flash to Robin, who's at the top of the mountain on a snow board. Skiing alone and looking pissed again, she heads down the slope and crashes Matt and Shayne's giggling/face sucking portion of the date. Robin then confronts Matt about why she didn't get the one-on-one date. At this point I accidentally pause my TV on the ugliest looking expression ever. Clearly, he's got his reasons, and the faces and the interruptions of him getting some action have got to be top on the list. He's "aware" that she hasn't had a one-on-one and makes up some bullshit line about how he knew they had a connection, and therefore he didn't feel the need to hang with her alone so much. Then blames HER for not getting that. What a player! She says she'll be really surprised if she doesn't get a rose. I won't.
Hot tub time! Amanda drags Matt over to a little alcove to show off her boobs in a bikini. Then says that her parents live in a double-wide trailer and would serve him some possum. How quaint. Then there's more making out. Of course.
Finally, it's time for Noelle's big date. Matt's hoping to discover a connection between them. I think that's code for lip-locking, but I'm not getting that vibe from Noelle. Wait, she was in a bad car crash? She really is just way too sweet for this show. Matt thinks she's philosophical and he could spend the rest of his life with her...then he starts kissing her. Naturally.
Back at the house, Robin is starting some shit with Marshana. Marshana thinks that Matt's sporty and likes his lifestyle. Robin pissily says that's not how he really roles. Marshana rightly calls Robin on being a condescending bitch. Chelsea chimes in that Marshana is a negative person. Now there's a full-on catfight (sadly minus the hair-pulling). Shayne and Amanda look uncomfortable and hide under their hats. Then Shayne tries to separate Marshana -- whose talking head informs us that she's "nice and loving" -- and Chelsea. Damn you, Shayne, it was just starting to get good.
Oblivious to the chaos, Noelle and Matt are brought back to a cozy room for a late-night snack. She tells him that she's only ever brought one person back to meet her parents, but that she'd love to bring him home. Then there's some cute little flirting and of course making out by the fireplace.
Announcer guy is telling me to stay tuned for the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. Can't wait. The suspense is just killing me. A clean-shaven Matt is back in the Bachelor house (wherever that is) and starts talking to the girls about their trip. Marshana is the first to dish on the big brouhaha. She's wearing a really low-cut sparkly shirt and sort of squeezing her breasts up in his face while telling him all about this. Then Chelsea interrupts and asks for some alone time. Marshana's bummed that she didn't get her kiss from Matt, who apparently gives good kisses. Well, he should since he gets a lot of practice.
Matt questions Chelsea about her romantic side and her hatred of PDAs. Her talking head says that she thought she showed him that (when they were hooking up at his place) but she guesses she didn't. Perhaps she didn't put out? And now...more kissing.
Marshana's back in the other room bitching that Chelsea interrupted her time. Shayne says that Marshana would have done the same thing. Now Marshana's pissed off at Shayne. Then Robin makes some annoyed comment and heads out for a few minutes alone with Matt. She wants Matt to kiss her and she "always gets what she wants." Their macking is right in full view of all the other girls. Shayne's annoyed from having to watch it. I'm pretty disgusted too, so I feel her pain.
Seeming more than a little tipsy from the wine she's been drinking (her cheeks are more than a little bit rosy), Shayne starts telling Matt why she wants him to meet her family and what a great person she is. He cops a feel while brushing her hair out of her eyes. Sly. Then more making out. Chris comes out and crashes the party. The girls all look sullen. Matt voices over that this is the hardest decision he's had to make. Um, you've kissed them all, who was the worst? Kick that person out. Seems like an easy call.
In the rose ceremony room, a grim Chris reminds them how important this is. Well, duh. Matt gives the first rose to Shayne, who's still looking tipsy. Then one to Noelle. Maybe he does like personality. Who knew? up is Chelsea, and the editors cut to another ugly glare from Robin. Oh, that girl so knows she's going home. The final rose goes too...invisible Amanda. Oh, Robin is AN-gry! Love it! She's not even looking at Matt, while Amanda just stands there beaming. At least Marshana manages a somewhat pleasant smile for the English gent.
In a talking head, Marshana insists she gave it her all. She "got in a pool," "played rugby" and "took an elbow to the face." Now she's going home "100 percent the lady that [she] arrived being." Whatever, that means. Then the fabulous gal trips while walking out the door. Robin just stands there in stunned silence. She gives Matt the evil eye as she exits. Was that the hyped dramatic part I was promised? Talking head Robin shows some emotion and starts crying about how it is "his loss" and blah, blah, blah. I'm not paying attention to what she's saying. Too busy looking at her red puffy face in utter amazement that she could look even more unpleasant than she did earlier. Then she says "Fuck him." Oh, that was the dramatic moment. I think.
Back in the rose ceremony room, Matt tells the final four that he's delighted to go home with them and he's really looking forward to it.
week: Matt heads off to meet the 'rents, especially Shayne's famous father, Lorenzo Lamas. I think the announcer is maybe overstating it with the word "famous," but whatever. Lorenzo looks like he gives Matt a stern talking to, while Chelsea's dad thinks she isn't being honest about her feelings. Sweet Noelle has a conservative father, shocker, and Amanda's parents want to know if she's slept with him yet. And it looks like Amanda mom tries to get a little cougar action going. I'm beyond glad that Daniel will be back for that. Yikes!