Previously on Bettina And Her Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Dad: Jenni had a crusty grandma. Sheena's mom had delusions. Brad had ouzo at DeAnna's house. Bettina's dad had a stick up his ass. And Sheena had to go.
Coming up: 45 minutes. Praise the Lord.
Bradterview: Cabo, woo! He reviews for us that he gave Jenni the first first-impression rose and the first kiss. Big hugs as he and Jenni reunite on the dock, and then it's time to swim with dolphins, which Jenni is sort of scared to do (as I would also be, in a bikini that small), but Brad promises that "it won't be When Dolphins Attack." Meanwhile, threatening surf-guitar chords try to imply that the dolphins may in fact attack. Naturally, they do not; Jenni's freaked out at first, but then they pose for pictures with the dolphins kissing them, and the dolphins with their underbites and their little teeth look like that kid who made the crazy-drunk faces in the back row of your class photo every year, and it's totally fine. Dancing with dolphins, riding dolphins, jokes about dolphins wanting a rose (oh, fine: hee); Jenni says it's a good date because it's a chance for her and Brad to be silly together.
As they shower off, Bradterview talks about how they're attracted to each other, "but a true relationship is so much more than that," so Brad needs to ask her what she's feeling -- which he does in the scene, while they have poolside quiet time together. Jenni takes forever to answer, and explains the delay by saying she doesn't want to express her feelings, only to set herself up for disappointment. Fair enough, especially in this situation, although for the Bachelorettes, it's not really a viable plan; if he's not sure of you, he can just pick someone else. Brad thinks she might feel better if she just puts it out there. Bradterview: Jenni's more reserved today, which is new, but I want her to be able to tell me anything. As BVO continues about how she shouldn't hold back during their date that night, Brad and Jenni kiss.
After the break, it's date time. Brad VOs about the fantasy-suite card, and I did not know that an actual, physical card existed. I thought they just had the suite, and the suite had a number of beds, and whatever happened…happened. Silly Sars, forgetting that every aspect of the process is extremely coy, but unbelievably crass at the same time. BVO: I want to spend the night with Jenni, but we'll see what she says.
At the dinner table, Brad offers a toast of gratitude for Jenni's existence, basically, which Jenni appreciates, and which also makes her realize that she has to let Brad know she's falling for him. She says it's easier for her to show her feelings than to say them, and Brad reassures her that it's not a test and says it's a big step for him too, and then Jenni switches gears and is like, "You have something in your pocket, methinks," and pretty much orders him to hand over the fantasy-suite card. Hee. Brad is surprised, but not in a bad way, and then Jenni makes the obligatory "or are you just happy to see me" joke, and then she's pretending to pick his pocket to get it, BVO talks about "getting frisked"…okay, very cute, let's get on with it, please.
BVO: I have real, deep feelings for Jenni and feel very comfortable with her, we're growing together, blah. Lounging in bed, Jenni -- who is wearing some serious pole shoes -- strokes his face and says, "Thanks for being…the man that I dream about." Smooching. As Jenni 'etterviews that "you cannot deny" what's between her and Brad (insert boner joke here) and talks about destiny, Brad gets up and shuts the door in our faces before the aforementioned Woodrow can make an appearance on-camera.
Commercials.
BVO: Last night with Jenni rocked, "but I have to keep an open mind." Bettina arrives on the dock, Brad spouts his producer-mandated line about how they'll be on an America's Cup boat, and then we get a Bradterview about how he's glad to have Bettina on this particular date because "she's so adventurous, she loves the water," blah blah blah. Ad…venturous? Bettina? Compared to whom, Emily Dickinson? Okay, she knows her way around a jet-ski, but she's about as free-spirited as a banana slug. And just as shiny oh yeah I said it. Bradterview talks some more about getting to know the real Bettina, as if that's a desirable goal.
Sailing. Bettina and Brad raise a sail together (insert boner joke here). Bettina teenagers that she and Brad helped crew the boat, "and Brad looked really hot." In an 'etterview, she talks about how attracted to him and into him she is, and it's as convincing as you might imagine, i.e. not. They strip down to their suits and hit the beach as a plaintive Croce-ish guitar tries to convince us that they have a relationship more profound than that of two strangers seated beside one another in the jury-duty bullpen. Bettina VOs about how their time on the private beach "is the perfect time to be intimate and to be physical with somebody," but something is holding her back: "I think it's just that I'm…kinda scared." Yeah -- that your dad is frenching your ex-husband under the bleachers. Which he totally is. Also, please stop talking like a Cialis commercial.
Date time. As Brad is VO-ing about how he has the fantasy-suite card and talking about how Bettina is attractive and "super-hot," the camera pans over to a picture of…Frida Kahlo. Hilarious! Okay, the tile says "La Frida" under it, so it's probably just the name of the dining room, but still, that is some bitchy juxtaposition by the camera crew. Well done. Anyway, Brad wonders if there's "substance" between them, but they'll see.
At the table, Bettina starts spinning her family's crappy behavior like a top, claiming that their only concern was whether Brad was into her, since she was "obviously, obviously falling in love" with him. Which is just not true, any of it -- and frankly, I'd have more respect for her family if I thought they'd sabotaged the hometown visit because they knew she obviously wasn't falling in love with him. Not much respect, because they were still rude, but more. But they…were just rude. Rude, creepy snobs who, according to our forum detectives, didn't get their fancy-pants professorships by passing spelling tests.
Bettina is nearly laughing during this recitation, probably because it's "the dog ate my homework"-level transparent in its falseness, and Brad is like, "Okay, no, because I spent the whole time trying to convey that I do feel that way, and they didn't want to hear it." I don't think he feels that way either in the first place, but let's move on -- to Brad asking Bettina how her family would feel if she moved to Austin, and how she herself would feel about it. She's waaaay too quick to say that it's no problem at all; Brad doesn't believe her, based on the lip-bitey body language he's got going on. Bettina saves it somewhat by saying that if they "leave here together, it's a no-brainer" to her, and Bradterview claims that it's just what he wanted her to say at that moment, but he still hopes that, "removed from a formal situation, she can be more herself." Brad…this is herself. She's a daddy-whipped head case and you shouldn't have let the producers tell you to ignore that fact last week. Still, he invites her awkwardly to the fantasy suite, and she accepts with awkwardly fake enthusiasm.
Suite. Bradterview: Once we got to the suite, things felt more relaxed and right. Valiant effort, but…pull the other one, Longhorn. To prove my point, we cut to Brad helping Bettina into the hot tub; Bettina looks like she's filming a PSA about bad touching. Bradterview: She's "taking my breath away." Yes, boredom can sometimes cause cessation of pulmonary funct-- oh, you mean because she's beautiful. Um…overruled. Pre-canoodle talk about how, the more they get to know each other, the more attracted they are too each other, and at this point I kind of feel sorry for them both: it's such a clear no-go, but now they kind of have to kiss, and I have to watch, and just no, no, a hundred times no.
…Kissing. Her response is completely adolescent, all pulling away in response to unexpected tongue during Spin The Bottle, and she 'etterviews that she's "feeling it," and even though she's shy about it, she "just needs to go with it" and basically force herself to make out with him. Nice, show. That's gross and sad.
A hand puts the Do Not Disturb hanger on the door as we go to commercial, but if those two had sex, I will eat every hat in Old Navy.
Hey, did you guys know that Cabo is in Mexico? …Oh, you did know that already. So you…didn't really need the "Bandito Dinner Theater" track from Hooked On Stereotypical Geography Sound Cues, then? Neither did I. Back off, guitar. Brad VOs about the other two "incredible" dates (yeah, that's one word for them) but now he's got to focus on DeAnna, yadda. And what better way to concentrate your full attention on a prospective spouse than by going dune-buggying with her? Bradterview: I need to find out if we have that true connection.
What he does find out: DeAnna is a way better buggy driver than he is; and she is not afraid to give him shit about that fact. Brad VO: She's sassy! I love it! Enh. I think he's intrigued by it; "love" is maybe a bit strong. BVO: I've looked forward to this day "from the moment I met her." He's not talking about the dune buggies, I suspect, but God forbid the show ever acknowledge explicitly that the participants have genitalia.
Date. Another witty camera pan past a Day of the Dead figurine (I think; it's the skull in the top hat. God, I'm as bad as the sound designer! Sorry!) as DeAnna 'etterviews that, in a normal relationship, you wake up together and have breakfast together and "fall asleep cuddling" together, and she wants that in her life. In a normal relationship, of course, there is also snoring, arguing about money, arguing about raisins, bitchy exes, covers-hogging, and any number of other untelegenically prosaic issues from which The Bachelor politely averts its eyes, the better to pretend that marriage is all candles and cake and pinot greezh on the beach.
DeAnna begins to muse, quite stagily, that she knew from the minute she got there, she "just knew." It just felt right, she's never felt so much for anyone so quickly, blah blah, after the hometown visit she knows she's falling in love with him. DeAnna is a tough one to read; she sounds like she's reciting lines, the way she's rushing through them, and maybe it's nerves, but I don't buy it and I can't quite figure out her angle. Brad can't seem to either; he asks if she really means that, and after she confirms it, he takes a pretty long pause. She sort of bounces in to kiss him while a Bradterview explains that she put "a lot on the table," which left him speechless, because coming from "someone like DeAnna," it's significant. Yeah, but…she's probably banking on that, that she comes off pretty tough so dropping her guard would seem like a bigger deal. I don't think she's got venal motives or anything, but I do think she knows it's down to three women and she'll do what she needs to. She whispers to him that she's scared, which I think overplays the "I'm making myself vulnerable, pick me" hand somewhat; he reassures her that she's perfect and blah blah and gives her the fantasy-suite card, and now it's her turn to pause, and for a second I think she's going to say no, but she accepts.
BVO: I want to get physical, I've developed very real and strong feelings for DeAnna, blah. They hop in the private pool and make out as Bradterview tells us he doesn't see DeAnna as an object, but as a soulmate, which…huh? Who accused you of seeing her as an object? Is that code for "we had sex, but I respect her, I swear"? Weird choice of words. More making out. DeAnna VOs that he's perfect and makes her happy "every day," and it feels right "in her gut." Brad seems into DeAnna, and she's a damn sight better than Bettina, but her determination has a hardness to it that's…not love.
Last commercial break, during which I wrote down my prediction for who would go home: DeAnna.
Footage of Brad drumming his fingers in the limo as he VOs that the overcast weather is fitting, and he's "actually a little scared" because he's pretty sure he's going to break someone's heart, and it makes him sad.
Overlooking the beach, he says that he's dreaded this Rose Ceremony, to say the least. He blabbers on about how they've gone from strangers to women he cares very much about. DeAnna is wearing a dress that fubars her cute figure, mooshing her boobs in an odd way and mashing up some potatoes around her waist. Finally, Brad begins, presenting Jenni with the first rose, which she accepts.
And then, after an eternity, the second rose goes to…DeAnna! I thought sure we would have to endure this Bettina nonsense until the end. Bettina, tellingly, doesn't so much as flinch. This is a surprise, but a pleasant one -- and an ironic one, because Bettina looks prettier than usual here in a Grecian-inspired blue dress and excellent hoop-and-chain earrings. She and Brad step aside for the postmortem, and Bettina is dry-eyed as Brad says that "this is gonna haunt" him, and he has very real feelings for her, but…
Bettina says she knows "why" is probably hard for Brad to answer, "but…why?" Brad mulls for a second before saying he still doesn't think he knows who she really is; she nods, and says in a convoluted way that if he has the same feelings for the other two that she, Bettina, had for him, then he's not right for her and vice versa. Which is absolutely right, and an excellent way to look at love affairs that don't work out, but to draw that conclusion aloud during the actual break-up talk itself? There's keeping it in perspective, and then there's ice water in the veins. Bettina adds, "I don't know if that's the right thing to say, but that's what I have to tell myself," and Brad's like, "Wow. Um." And I almost liked her right there -- what if she'd acted the out-and-out hard-ass the whole time, just put it all out there? "I'm divorced and my father is a controlling shitsack, so I've got some issues. You can invest the time or not, but I know one thing, and that is this: I brought a pair of metallic heels. And they are hot." (They are. Tres chic.) Brad apologizes again, and she's like, yeah yeah, and he walks her to the limo and it's awkward, and he VOs that it's tough, but he shouldn't have had to work so hard to get to know her.