L.A. Matt's visiting Shayne's parents. Lorenzo Lamas ("who I've heard is a bit of a star") first, and then Shayne's mother, since they're divorced. Shayne says Matt's been skeptical of her intentions because she's an actress.
So Shayne and Matt sit down for lunch prior to the arrival of the Lamas, where Shayne relates the horrifying story of an old boyfriend telling her father they met in a club. So they're going to ... work on their story? Does Shayne think her father is as dumb as she is? Matt certainly isn't coming across too well; he can't even get the pronunciation of Lamas right. Lima? Lomez? Lahm-Ass?
And the moment's here; Lorenzo strides in and hugs Shayne, and winks at Matt over her shoulder. This would be a terrifying wink, for me, as a person meeting my girlfriend's father the first time, even without everyone knowing that I have three other girlfriends with which I will be doing the exact same thing.
"My daughter's very important to me," explains Lorenzo in a talking head, just in case we don't know that daughters are important to fathers. "I'm here to find true love, and your daughter is an incredible human being," Matt says. Lorenzo says he was surprised to hear she was going on The Bachelor, because she's kind of a daredevil. I have no idea what that means. Then Lorenzo says what everyone knows: Shayne just wants to be on television: "I think it was the idea of being on television that was very enticing to her" are his exact words. He says that she wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more. Well, good job getting on the star factory that is The Bachelor, Shayne. After all, who can forget that one chick who was drunk? And the chick who did the thing and then yelled at that other chick?
Shayne says she was furious that her dad figured that out, I mean "said that" about her. "I have been fighting that comment since day one," she whines. Shayne says she's not there for any other reason than to find love. Faced with impending tears, Lorenzo says he believes that, and just wanted to know where her heart was.
L.L. asks Matt to step into the other room for a chat, where he admits to not being there as much for Shayne as he should have been. "Shayne's feelings are something you shouldn't toy with," he tells Matt. "I wouldn't screw around with her emotions," says Matt, although he admits he was skeptical of Shayne's intentions. They shake hands.
Afterwards, Lorenzo and Shayne chat. "He really, I feel, likes you, and I want you to be happy more than anything else," says Lorenzo. They hug, and Lorenzo says he loves her, and she's a big girl or whatever, and they try to pretend that cameras aren't recording this ostensibly touching father-daughter moment.
Over to meet Shayne's mom Michelle and her little sister Dakota. "I just want him to have the best hometown date," says Shayne. When she arrives, she screams, "Is somebody cooking some food?" and then gets tackled by two blonde women on opposite ends of the Original Body Parts Unaltered spectrum, in a house that appears to have required an entire safari's worth of leopards to upholster. Matt says Shayne bought this house for her mother. Not from money she got from Daddy or anything, right? "I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," says Matt, although my initial reaction was to scream. Speaking of upholstery, I presume Shayne's mom is coming in for a lot of money from the plastic surgeon she should be suing. Looking at the daughters she's produced, you have to think Shayne's mom is very beautiful, but she's lost the fight against aging, despite all the surgical weapons she's brought to bear in the battle. "My family is loving, but we also are a little bit crazy," says Shayne.
At dinner, Matt cuts the roast, while Shayne's mama can't pull herself up to the table all the way because of her giant fake breasts. She babbles incoherently and seems to be averse to finishing sentences. "I'm a firecracker, but my mom's twenty times intense firecracker," says Shayne, by way of "explanation."
While Shayne's mom steals Matt away to show him old videotapes of Shayne dancing, Shayne chats with Dakota, who looks just like her and talks just like her, gurgling on about faith and whatnot. Shayne's mom asks how Matt's going to feel when Shayne finishes a movie and they go to the premiere and Matt has to watch Shayne kissing another man on the big screen. Feel free to say anything, Matt, since I think that will forever remain a hypothetical problem, don't you? Matt says he had a brilliant time, and admits he had Shayne completely wrong, and that he might be falling for her. So he didn't think she was genuine up until now, but she's in the top four? They kiss goodbye, and burble that they'll miss each other.
Off to snow-covered Durango, Colorado, to meet Chelsea's parents. Matt says Chelsea's been going kind of hot and cold, and he wants to find out what her intentions are. Matt strolls up to Chelsea, waiting on a park bench, and they embrace. Chelsea admits to being nervous about introducing the man she "could potentially fall in love with" to her parents. She tells Matt that she gets emotional seeing her parents because they live so far away and she squeals.
When they get to mom and dad's place, mom squeals just like her daughter does. In a talking head, she says she wants her marriage to be just like her parents' has been. Over lunch, Chelsea tells her parents that "Sometimes we don't get each other's jokes because I don't speak British." Matt tells Chelsea's dad that he's ready to find the one, admitting to questioning whether Chelsea was really into him. "Here's to finding happiness," toasts Kerry, who says in a talking head that he was impressed with Matt. Chatting with his daughter, he asks what she thinks, and Chelsea blathers about wanting to get to know Matt more, which is a good idea, considering this show keeps telling us that it's her dream to marry Matt. Meanwhile, Matt chats up Chelsea's mom, and says he fell in love with her the first time they hung out. Are the family meetings always like this? With the bachelors basically lying to the parents' faces?
Kerry's advice to Chelsea: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," but adds that she needs to let Matt know if she does or doesn't have feelings for him. In a talking head, Chelsea says her dad tells her the honest truth. "I just need to open myself up and feel the feelings I've had," she says. She walks him out, and they kiss and say they're going to miss each other. Are you thinking of Shayne now, Matt? This is gross. How has this show lasted twelve seasons?
Canada geese dot Loveland, Colorado, home of Noelle, who's posed all "casually," leaning against the fence in a sweater that accentuates her breasts and midriff . More blather about how "real" things are as the two of them cuddle on some felled trees. Noelle tells him that between the two of them, they have a whole brain, which sounds about right. She tells Matt that her family's on the conservative side.
The family sits at a picnic table and watches as Noelle and Matt ride up on horses, and Matt's horse seems finicky, probably because it's the only sentient being here who thinks this show is terrible.
Noelle introduces her parents (in talking head) as Larry and Teresa, and sisters Elisha and Rachel. Which gets confusing later, as it turns out that Elisha and Teresa are actually the sisters. Matt grumbles about his terrible entrance. Larry wants to go play horseshoes, so he and Matt go off while the women giggle about how cute Matt is. "He's taller than your grampa," says Noelle's mom.
While he and Matt play horseshoes, Larry says the question is, "What kind of person does this sort of thing?" asks Larry. Besides your daughter, sir? In a talking head, Larry says Matt probably makes friends easily because of his natural charm, and "makes friends" here is clearly code for "beds women." Noelle tells the other family women about all this great stuff that Matt told her. Let me guess: you have a connection, right?
At dinner, mom wants to know if he plans to live in England afterwards, and Matt practically literally says, "Whatever you think is the best answer is what I'm telling you." Now Teresa and Elisha take Matt outside to grill him about his intentions, and he starts in with the half-truths and evasions, but at least admits that he's falling in love with more than one person.
I'm numb by this point. It's the same thing with every family, with just different styles of house and different degrees of skin leatheryness. And then he makes out with whichever particular bachelorette who happens to be in the general vicinity, and the women talk about how they never expected to fall in love, but they're falling in love. I'm seriously considering asking TWoP for a pay cut if I could just punch myself in the face for an hour instead.
Tallahassee, Florida, to see Amanda's parents. Amanda says she hired actors to play her mom and dad, apparently as drunken harridan and unhappy milquetoast. From the get go, Matt's "mom" jumps in with the inappropriate touching, and laughs wildly at everything Matt says, inane or not. Matt seems really discombobulated, but I can't blame him. She asks him to flex his bicep and goes gaga at the size of Matt's feet, while "Dad" looks on grumpily, until blurting out, "Have you been physically intimate?" Matt goes closed-mouthed. "Paul" says this is the first man Amanda's ever brought home, and her mom calls him "Shrimpy."
Matt goes outside to talk to Paul, who asks Matt about the "smorgasbord" of women he's been sampling from. "Mom" comes outside to talk to Matt, and Paul off inside, where he tells Amanda that Matt really seems concerned about the parents liking him.
Outside, "Mom" has some cougar cleavage action going on while she starts feeling his arm and chest. She gets closer and keeps asking him if he's a good boy. Then she starts kissing him, much to the consternation of "Paul," who has just stepped back outside. "Paul! Please come and join us!" says Matt, looking miserable as Amanda's "parents" argue, although you kind of have to wonder that, given there are cameras there, he didn't know he was being put on.
Amanda comes outside to let him off the hook: "There's something you should know. Those aren't my real parents. This is all a prank." Matt says he was speechless: "I can't believe I just got done like that. I can't believe I fell for it," he says. You'll never believe this, but that was "brilliant," but I have to agree with Matt on that. Whether this whole thing was set up by the producers or not (and I'm leaning towards "yes, duh") good on Amanda, man. Good stuff. If he doesn't pick her at the end, he's an idiot. Speaking of idiots, maybe time the producers don't tell the viewers at every commercial break about the prank Amanda's going to be playing on Matt.
The downside, at least Amanda's family-wise, is that we don't really find out what they're like and what they think of all this nonsense, but I feel confident in saying that Matt told them he thinks their daughter is a very special person and he might be falling for her.
Rose ceremony. Chris says he was going to tell them what an important night this is, but he can see by their faces that they get it. That's awesome, that they've already figured out how the rose ceremony works!
Matt yammers about the women's amazing families, and how they're all incredible, just before singling out who's less incredible than the others.
First rose: Shayne, who I confess was a lot less irritating this week. I don't buy for a second that she's not on this show for exposure, but I think the fact she's made it this far has relaxed her. Second rose: Amanda. Just give her one reason and tell the rest to get lost, Matt! Since Matt and the women apparently can't subtract two from three, Chris comes out to tell everyone this is the last rose. And it goes to Chelsea. It's a surprise to me, and it appears to be a surprise to Chelsea. Noelle handles it well, in that she doesn't give Matt the heavy-lidded dead-eyed basilisk stare that Robin did last week. Since as the weeks go by this show gets thinner and thinner on material, Matt and Noelle sit down on a bench to chat about why he's kicking her to the curb to fill time. Noelle actually says it's her fault, because she didn't open up enough, so maybe she could stick around the mansion for a little while, because, we weren't, as much, so it's a little confusing. Poor, sweet Noelle. I liked her. Apparently, her "photographer" occupation is a bit misleading, since she's got an IMDb entry too, but she contains about seventy-five per cent less prattle than Shayne.
Back at the mansion, Matt tells the other women some lies about how hard it was to let go of Noelle, but it's awesome that those three are still here. And up: they're going to Barbados! For the most Barbadian season finale ever!