Welcome to Sean Tells As Much As He Can Since There Are Still Three Women In The Running To Pretend To Be Engaged To Him For A Month After The Finale!
Chris Harrison welcomes us all to a "very special" edition of this shit show, and recaps Sean's nauseating emotional journey. He says viewers have had lots of questions, like "What was Sean thinking?" and "Is he REALLY this stupid?" and "Does this guy even have a job?" I don't see any way how this isn't the result of Sean watching the current season and realizing he comes off like a moron and a dick, and asking ABC for a chance to explain why he really is a great guy instead!
Harrison sits down with Sean and they reflect on how far they've come in like a month or however much time has elapsed. Sean pretends he has strong feelings for the three remaining women, and he's looking forward to alone time away from cameras so they can discuss any concerns or whatever they might have (i.e. visit STD clinic together to get tested). Oh, wait, Sean's been revirginized or whatever, right? I'm anticipating the Vegas dates to be chaste, but that Sean will let the women agree to stay overnight in his fantasy suite before he piously announces that he would rather wait.
Anyway, let's revisit what happened last night: Sean sent Desiree home. "It killed me, and it was a heart-wrenching decision," says Sean, who fascinatingly adds that he kept Catherine over Desiree because he felt there was stronger potential with Catherine.
Harrison asks about Desiree's brother Nate confronting him, and asks if he had any trouble. Sean dickishly brings up Nate having gotten in trouble as a youth. Nice little character assassination to deflect from the fact that Nate was completely right. Goddamn, how much of this do we have to watch again? It was just on! "Attacking my character is the quickest way to get me heated," says Sean, acting all tough long after the situation has passed.
And then we see more conversation between Nate and Sean in which Nate isn't calling Sean an asshole, and then Sean winds up calling the guy a jackass. Oh, and wow, this is "fun". We get to see tweets pop up on screen letting us know what idiots think of The Bachelor, including from one "HeidiMontag," who is of the opinion that the new season of the show is amazing. Other choice tweets include the opinion of people who want Sean to just take his shirt off and tell them who he chooses already.
And now we're all supposed to feel bad for Sean who felt "crushed" by Desiree telling him he's making a big mistake. And then he pulls his ol' "I have too much respect for her to keep dating her" routine, and this show has so much respect for Desiree that it shows us an extended version of Desiree blubbering in the limo on her way out.
Commercial break! Like an oasis in the desert!
And now's the part where Sean tries to convince everyone that he's not the world's biggest asshole for the way he treated Sarah. Good luck with that! We watch some of the Sarah highlights, and eventually Sean explains that when she kissed him, that's when he knew he wasn't going to marry her, and that's why he didn't wait until the ceremony. Which implies that he never knows if he's letting anyone else go UNTIL a rose ceremony, which is of course utter bullshit. And here we go again, with the viewers expected to feel sorry for Sean because of how tough this was on him, and how his bullet to Sarah's head was done out of respect.
Sean says he hopes Sarah understands that someone will love her for the rest of her life. He really should be not allowed even to speak Sarah's name.
Let's move on now to two more "fan favorites" (really, everyone is a fan favorite except for Sean). Selma first: An Iraqi Muslim, she's not really allowed to "date out loud," and I'd like it explained why we're supposed to think that rule is important to her since she decided to go on the Bachelor in the first place. And then some jaunty music starts up as we watch Sean try to get her completely surrender her morals, and we're then reminded of how it was the night she finally did kiss him that he sent her home. "I fully appreciated the gesture," Sean says (ever the romantic), but by then it was too late. "Over time, I just realized this is someone I'm not sure I can really have a partnership for the rest of my life," he says.
On the opposite end of the kiss-willingness spectrum is Lesley, with whom he broke a record that's not really a record for longest on-screen kiss. "That three-minute kiss, it felt like it was thirty seconds," he says, which is ... actually kind of long for a kiss, which isn't really what he's trying to say.
Then there is some sickmaking video of Lesley feeding him a brownie, and Sean saying, "You know how Daddy likes his brownie," and then him feeding it her, with her saying, "Stick it in my mouth" and dissolving into laughter. And then he dumped her because he thought things were too awkward with her later. Harrison asks him if it would have been different if she'd managed to tell him she loves him like she wanted to, and Sean eye-rollingly says it could have been a "gamechanger." He thinks he would have kept her. "How fortunes might have changed," says Harrison, managing to deliver that line with way more gravitas than it deserves.
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And now it is time to talk about Godzilla. Keyser Soze. Galactus. Tierra. Sean talks about his sister coming to St. Croix so she could talk to Tierra and determine if she really is nice or is actually a horrifying she-beast. But of course, when he showed up, he walked into a "hornet's nest." He shows up, and Tierra's in fake tears and can't form a sentence. Yeah, we all remember. It was awesome!
Now that he's seen what happened, he says he feels like he was duped. In Sean's defense, he doesn't appear to have much of a brain to figure out things like this anyway. He says Tierra should never have come on this show, since she clearly can't handle things and can't get along with her peers. Harrison brings up the common suggestion that women like Tierra are producer's plants, kept on for drama. Sean is basically, "Nope, I really am that dumb."
And now we are talking about being in Montana and how awful it was that all the women were focusing on Tierra instead of on him where their attention should have been, and by this point we can assume the damage control this Sean Tells All special is meant to perform has not been successful.
And remember there was a fight? No, me neither. I can only remember one episode back at a time. But it's the one where Robyn and Catherine and Leslie, among others, ganged up on Tierra. Harrison says the fight went on for hours and they just couldn't show it all, and when it was time for the rose ceremony, Sean was in rough shape. "Being the Bachelor is not easy. In fact, it's really hard sometimes," whines Sean. Tell us more about how tough this gig is, Sean!
Then Sean and Harrison bro-bond over how Tierra almost ruined the whole experience but thank god that wench wasn't successful, amirite? And then for some reason we talk about Ashley P., which is the woman who was really into Fifty Shades of Grey, and she kept telling him over and over again about how much her mother is into him. "At that point, I realized, OK, she's just smashed," Sean tells Harrison. And once he knows she's a drunken slut, it's easy for him to get rid of her. Harrison says he had Ashley in the final four in his Bachelor pool, and I hope his joke is both a) As if such a thing exists and b) as if he would put weirdo Fifty Shades in the final four.
And now there is awkward banter about Catherine passing him odd notes about how hairless his arms are. And then he uses "literally" correctly, so hooray for that! Also, Catherine was able to fit into the wheelwell of the snow bus they rode on the ice bus. And here's Daniella doing an impression of Chris Harrison. "She does a better Chris Harrison than Chris Harrison," says Sean. Your sense of humour is amazing, Sean!
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By Daniel
Then Sean and Harrison bro-bond over how Tierra almost ruined the whole experience but thank god that wench wasn't successful, amirite? And then for some reason we talk about Ashley P., which is the woman who was really into Fifty Shades of Grey, and she kept telling him over and over again about how much her mother is into him. "At that point, I realized, OK, she's just smashed," Sean tells Harrison. And once he knows she's a drunken slut, it's easy for him to get rid of her. Harrison says he had Ashley in the final four in his Bachelor pool, and I hope his joke is both a) As if such a thing exists and b) as if he would put weirdo Fifty Shades in the final four.
And now there is awkward banter about Catherine passing him odd notes about how hairless his arms are. And then he uses "literally" correctly, so hooray for that! Also, Catherine was able to fit into the wheelwell of the snow bus they rode on the ice bus. And here's Daniella doing an impression of Chris Harrison. "She does a better Chris Harrison than Chris Harrison," says Sean. Your sense of humour is amazing, Sean!
And then we watch RIDICULOUS footage of Sean and Lindsay CROWD-SURFING at that stupid country music concert they went to.
And then Harrison asks if he's ready for the overnight dates. Sean is ready, but also nervous, because he, as per usual, is falling for all of these women and he has no idea who he's going to send home. At any moment you're expecting him to mess up and say "Line?" and check a cue card offstage. Harrison asks Sean about viewers' expectations of what happens in the fantasy suites. Sean says it's a great chance to spend time with the women alone, without any cameras, and whatever other bachelors have done, he doesn't know. Harrison basically then asks if Sean is going to have sex with the women, and Sean says it's nobody's business. "A gentleman to the end," says Harrison, and that's about all I can stand. I have a limit, and this is it. I'm going to have to recap the last couple of episodes when they actually happen, so I'm not going to recap the preview here.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. The end is in sight. Be strong, people, and we shall make it through. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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