By Lady Lola
Steel drums play, palm trees sway, girls squeal, and clichés abound as the ladies speed boat into Anguilla. Ashley H. proudly says that their beach run from the boat to the inner island was "just right out of, like, Baywatch or something." Or something. Need I even mention that bitch flips her hair for emphasis amidst this statement? Nah, didn't think so. They descend upon the CuisinArt Resort & Spa. Does that involve meditational food processing? The women ooh and ahh as they enter what I would deem a rather ho-hum villa. Chantal reminds us this holiday isn't all fun and games because Brad will be deciding whose parents he'd like to meet during their stay in Anguilla. She thinks this is her chance to seal her future with Brad.
Chris meets up with the ladies and echoes Chantal's words, telling them there will be four dates this week -- three one-on-one dates and a group date. A rose will be handed out on the group date, but not on the one-on-one dates. He wishes them well and takes off until the rose ceremony. Britt recognizes she hasn't yet secured a place in Brad's heart and thinks this week could be a good time to play catch-up. Shawntel reads a card describing three things Brad might bring to a deserted island: A picnic lunch, champagne... and Emily. Strike one, Britt! Emily thinks she and Brad need to move past the new relationship jitters and really get to know each other.
Brad says hello to the ladies as picks up Emily. He also feels nervous because he's not sure he deserves her. They stroll down a path and sit down to sip champagne. He asks her what she wants to do on their date, and she gives him some "I don't care what we do as long as I'm with you" bullshit. I'd like to see that claim tested Millionaire Matchmaker-style. As they chat, a helicopter touches down about 10 yards from them. They set off for the date, which Brad claims one of the most romantic he's ever planned. Brad says he hopes his relationship with Emily "literally takes off." Heave. They fly over the island, checking out the crystal clear water and holding hands. Emily says she felt like she was "on Cloud 9." Double heave.
The sappy couple touches down on a literally deserted island for their picnic. He thinks it's the perfect spot to tell her how he feels. Instead, he sits there squinting and making the most awkward conversation ever. Sample dialogue --
Brad: I like it out here.
Emily: Me too. [Do they have crickets on desert islands?] What are you thinking?
Brad: Uhhhhhh... this is a really, really cool view...
Emily: It is really pretty.
Brad: Love it here.
Brad: I like it out here.
Emily: Me too. [Do they have crickets on desert islands?] What are you thinking?
Brad: Uhhhhhh... this is a really, really cool view...
Emily: It is really pretty.
Brad: Love it here.
He forgot to say, "Lots of sand..." Brad and Emily admit they both feel really nervous around each other. He admits he wants to kiss her. She tells him she's scared of getting her heart broken but knows that the only way she'll fall in love is to drop her guard completely. He takes her words to heart and decides to put it all out there. He tells her he cares more for her than he would like to admit and doesn't want to leave any conversations with her regretting that he didn't say it. They share a kiss. Brad thinks he and Emily have broken new ground and gone to the level. "We're losing the sun," says Brad, "and we're gaining the moon." Emily says she once thought the only way they'd ever work out if the sun and the moon aligned, and here it's happened! Emily hopes she can take Brad home to meet her parents, but she's still hesitant to introduce him to her daughter.
Back at the villa, the ladies are speculating on Emily's date when they get news of Brad's one-on-one date: Shawntel. Strike two, Britt! Shawntel admits to the others that she wasn't expecting it at all. Someone snaps back, "Yeah, neither were we." Burn! Shawntel feels bad that Britt's hopes keep getting dashed but vows to focus on her relationship with Brad so she doesn't end up crazy "like some of the girls here." We're looking at you, Britt.
Brad and Emily walk down a moonlit beach toward their romantic dinner. He says they haven't talked about the hometown dates yet. Family is really important to him, so he wants to meet her daughter. They sit down and clink their wine glasses. She says Brad professing his feelings was her favorite part of the day, and she really needed it after a hard week missing her daughter, Ricky. He takes the occasion to ask if she'll let him meet Ricky. Before he even gets the words out, she lets out a deep sigh, and he calls her on it. She says she's been really anxious because she is protective and doesn't want to damage her daughter by bringing people around who will confuse or hurt her. Brad's all, "But back to me." Emily admits she's still scared to bring Ricky into the equation, but she understands that it's not normal to propose to someone who won't let you meet their kid. She says it's getting a little too real for her. Brad tries to ease Emily's fears by breaking the rules to tell her that he will definitely give her a rose during the ceremony. They walk to the water and kiss passionately while the waves lap at their ankles all sexual metaphor-like.
The day, Shawntel leaves for her date, saying she knows she has a strong connection with Brad and hopes he wants to continue this journey with her. They greet with a kiss that is definitely more one-sided on her part. They hop on some bikes and ride through the town as Brad says his relationship with Shawntel has been "slow and steady." They stop at a farmer's market and drink coconut milk straight from the coconut. Brad appreciates that Shawntel doesn't take herself seriously, shown by her free spirit as she jumps rope and plays dominoes with the locals. They meet a vibrant lady named Aunty B. who asks if they're in love. Brad's awkward non-answer tells the whole story. Aunty B. tells them to "hold hands and maybe kiss sometimes." It's as good advice as I've ever heard. Shawntel realizes that she could be falling in love with Brad and resolves to tell him.
They sit down for a picnic in the middle of a goat field, which doesn't sound like the most appetizing venue to me, but whatevs. Brad tells Shawntel he likes that he doesn't have to put on an act around her because their chemistry is so natural. Shawntel confesses that she's only ever told two guys she loved them, then tells Brad she's falling in love with him. What does the kiss of death sound like? "That means a lot to me, it really does," quoth Womack. And yet he can't stop thinking about his date with Emily. He says tonight's date with Shawntel needs to be big so that he'll have clarity about his feelings for Shawntel.
That night, Brad says he needs to figure out his feelings for Shawntel and where they're going. They sit down for a candlelit dinner as he plies her with lies about how much he loved their day. She tells him again that she's falling in love with him. Again, he doesn't reciprocate. Shawntel says she wants Brad to come to her home so he can meet her mother, then asks about his. He shares that his mother is huge in his life because his parents split when he was four years old, and his father was never part of his life. He thinks it's significant that he can share these things with her because he normally keeps them bottled up inside. He says that this comfort and openness is what he's looking for in a wife. Brad tells Shawntel all the things he loves about her as she gives him the hard sell for her hometown, saying, "You'll fall in love." He responds coyly, "Maybe I already am." Clearly not, buddy. If you were, you'd just damn say it. It begins pouring rain. Brad grabs Shawntel's hand, and they kiss like so many bullshit stories about the power of love. Shawntel says it's her most romantic day ever, but Brad reveals he still has another surprise in store: A concert by Anguilla's most famous singer, Bankie Banx. Not that they hear any of it because they're too busy making out and mooning at each other.
Over at the villa, the final individual date invitation arrives. And it goes to... Britt. I take a little consolation in the fact that it says horrifying, "Let's set sail on a sea of love." Jealous Michelle deadpans that there's a good chance their ship will go down.
Bankie Banx continues to croon as the Brad says he's reached a whole new level with Shawntel -- a level no doubt facilitated by the dubious decision to drink beer after more than a couple glasses of wine at dinner. They hop down into the surf and take a moonlight swim, well really a moonlight snog. Brad says he has important decisions to make and is more confused than ever.
The day, Britt primps for her long-awaited date with Brad, saying this is their chance to find out if there's anything between them or not. Brad picks her up and acknowledges that this date is make-or-break for them. He walks Britt along the beach and points out today's means of transportation -- a big-ass yacht in the middle of the bay. They swim out as the other girls look jealously. Michelle is especially prickly, deeming the boat a waste on someone like Britt. "Britt and Brad," she snarls. "Although it sounds really cute, not only do I not see them getting married, I don't know if I even see them friending each other on Facebook."
But that's not going to stop our intrepid huh-ro from getting him a little Britty booty. He plies her with champagne as they sail around the island to go cliff jumping in Little Bay. Brad shows off as Britt plays scaredy cat. To be fair, if my legs were as twig-like as that, I might be concerned about any potential impact, too. (P.S. How is someone this emaciated a food writer?) She decides to get over her fears and make the jump... "for their relationship." Brad grabs her hand proudly as they swim into shore. In his interview, he talks about Britt's decision to "make a leap," then works that metaphor like the rent's due tomorrow.
Villa. News of the group date arrives during the day for a change of pace. Brad invites Ashley, Chantal, and Michelle to experience "the dawn of a new love." Michelle wastes no time in telling the other girls she doesn't want to be on a date with them. Like Brad, I love her more than I should admit.
Meanwhile, Brad and Britt watch the tides come in. Brad asks if she's ever been in love, and Britt admits she has a hard time expressing her feelings. Brad thinks the date was a wash, so to speak, because he has no tingles despite being in one of the world's most romantic places. Despite that, he knows he likes a lot of things about her and hopes to find the romance connection on their date that evening.
Night falls, and they head to the yacht's deck for dinner. Brad wonders why he doesn't feel a spark for Britt. They recap Britt's bold cliff dive, a.k.a. stroke Brad's ego. Awkward conversation to the tune of "nice niiiight..." ensues. Brad regrets that he can't force the connection with Britt. He tells Britt how he thinks the world of her and how he wanted to get to know her more today, etc. It's all a way of telling her that he has no feelings for her and doesn't see a future with her. She tries to keep hope alive by telling him that she needs more time but, as they say, that ship has sailed. He brings up his last time on this show, how he was "crucified" for "stringing people along," and says he won't do that to her this time. They say goodbye as Britt goes sailing off into the night. Was that harsher than just not giving her a rose at the end of the week? Maybe so. For her part, Britt pretty much says, "Oh well." While Brad's all, "This is sooooo hard for me." Seriously, he uses the word "grueling." This isn't Sophie's Choice here, Womack.
Britt and her dinghy hit land, and she is greeted with smiles and hugs back at the house. She tells them immediately that she's leaving the house. She finally breaks down a little as she wonders what she could have done differently. After Britt leaves, the reality hits the other girls that the only road ahead is paved with signs reading "Heartbreak" and "Devastation."
Around two that morning, Brad creeps into the ladies' villa to tell them it's group date time. He gives them 10 minutes to get dressed for whatever shenanigans await. Apparently, "It's something that millions of women dream about doing." Brad takes the women to another villa, where they MJ Day, Associate Editor of Sports Illustrated. She tells them they're going to pose for the swimsuit issue. Then these women with amazing bodies bitch about their various insecurities. It makes them really relatable. Oh wait...
Ashley is the first to pose. Chantal comments that she looks like a girl--door, and Ashley immediately dispels that notion by agreeing to pose topless, but for some strategically placed conch shells. Chantal goes and rocks the "fuck me" eyes and jizz-like sand. When the photographer (a.k.a. scheming producer) throws out that she should take off her top, the competitive spirit takes hold, and out come the tatas. Sometime model Michelle's up . To her credit, she outsmarts the other girls by saying she wants to shoot with Brad. She plasters herself on top of him and crams her tongue down his throat as the other girls realize they've been played. Chantal bemoans having to watch someone that she's in love with kissing on other girls, and deems the whole process is brutal. The girls walk away with sad faces. Brad realizes that he lets things go too far with Michelle and knows it's going to be a long rest of the day. Note how he pawns it off on how "aggressive" she was, though. Oh, Brad...
They all rinse off at a pool nearby. Brad overstates the day has been "absolute hell" since Michelle's intense behavior angered the other girls. Chantal and Michelle hit the sidelines so Ashley can have some private time with Brad. She admits she's felt like the kid sister compared to all the other girls in light of Brad's sexual connection with other girls. She wonders why she's there and asks Brad how he feels about her. He tells her his feelings haven't diminished, but she says it's hard to tell sometimes. He feels hurt that she's already putting up her guard for the possibility that he might shut her down. He insists he cares about her and hopes that the other women don't shut him out, too. Because it just wouldn't make for good TV if every single bachelorette weren't actively demoralized.
Brad takes Chantal aside . She calls him out for being shut off around her. He hems and haws about how group dates are different, then mumbles his way into a trite, "It is what it is." She asks how he feels about meeting his family, and he claims he still cares. He wonders if her feelings have changed. She says she still loves him. He can't resist the validation because what else is there on this dog and pony (more like bitch and nag) show. But he can't fight the feeling that he's in the wrong. "I like to think I'm a pretty decent guy," he says, " and here I am. I've ruffled some feathers today." He says he's never been in this kind of trouble on a date and thinks he might be moving backward.
Michelle finally gets her alone time, and they have a shallow conversation about how easy it is to have deep conversations with each other. He says he thinks they may be too stubborn, too alike. She says she's completely confident that she should still be there. As they chat, the girls watch from below and compare notes. They both felt that Brad was distant on this date and begin to brace themselves for when he gives Michelle rose. Brad brings Michelle back, and Chantal asks for a moment alone. She says she's been putting herself out there, and he's been distant. She wonders what's wrong. He says he saw the girls watch each other insecurely during the photo shoot today and has decided to remain reserved out of respect for everyone's feelings. He interviews that he's worried the two girls who don't get a rose on today's date might shut down and be lost for good.
Brad finishes up with Chantal and takes Ashley aside again. She keeps saying that he's scaring her and that she doesn't want to go home because worries that she may have shown him an unflattering (read: Stage 5 Clinger) side of herself during their conversation earlier. Knowing that she might be losing him, she drapes herself all over him so she won't have to leave Anguilla a lonely old spinster of 26. He asks if he can step aside for a minute, and she whimpers, "Don't send me home!" before desperately clutching his hand. In fact, Brad has stepped away to retrieve the rose to give to Ashley. As he walks back toward her, she runs into his arms and literally jumps on him. He tells her to trust in what they have.
They head back to the cabana, where the other women give him the silent treatment. On Chantal's end, it's because she's on the verge of tears. Brad asks her to come with him to talk, which is obviously the last thing she wants him to do. He asks the other women to leave so they can have a private conversation. He puts his arm around her and asks what's wrong. She puts it to him straight: "If you can't choose me as one out of three girls, then just send me home." He tries to insist it's not that he didn't choose her, which is a load of crap that doesn't change her mind for a second. He claims there are a lot of factors for him to consider when giving her a rose and tells her not to count herself out. He blames it on timing and reminds her of the dates they've had when she came home with a rose. He asks her to tell him she's okay, so she does it in the most Bachelor-friendly "Fuck you" way possible. They have an awkward hug before she sulks off.
That night, the ladies pull up to the rose ceremony location in their limo, all fearing they've exposed their feelings for naught. Elsewhere, Brad has a powwow with Chris Harrison. He thinks the cocktail party before the ceremony is unnecessary because he's already made up his mind. Harrison's all, "But we need the footage!" Brad won't budge, so it's on to the ceremony. Back to the ladies, who can tell something's amiss. Chris tells apprises them of the change of plans, and it only makes them more anxious. Well, except for Michelle, who explains that she'll be fuckin' pissed if Brad sends her home. Love her.
Rose ceremony, bitches. Harrison reminds them of Brad's intentions and the stakes, blah blah blah. And now heeeeeeeere's Womack! He explains to them, as he did to Britt, that he didn't want to string anyone along by having a fake-ass cocktail party when he'd already made his decision. He claims it's for them, not because he doesn't want to feel like an asshole. News flash, buddy: You're on The Bachelor. For the second time. It's a done deal. He tells them he's cherished every second with each of them but is 100% confident that his decision tonight is the right one.
He picks up a rose and pauses dramatically before offering it to Emily. The rose goes to... Shawntel. Harrison steps in, as usual, to really twist that knife by reminding Chantal and Michelle that there is but one rose remaining amongst the two of them. Brad picks it up, pauses for about an hour, then calls out Chantal's name. Harrison tells Michelle to say her goodbyes. She starts out. Brad asks if he can walk her out, and she stays quiet, which he takes as a big, fat "YES!" She keeps her brisk pace, and he starts to wise up when she won't let him hold her hand. She refuses to give him the satisfaction of blubbering in front of him, so he tries to keep the power dynamic acceptable by literally guiding her out of the complex like a damn GPS anova. He asks if she wants to talk. That'd be a no. He puts her in the limo and watches her drive off. He says the goodbye was bittersweet. They had an intense sexual chemistry, but he knew it would wear off and give way once they started butting heads. He is certain he made the right choice.
In the limo, Michelle wipes away a few angry tears and settles in for a nap. She refuses to boohoo about how Brad was the one who got away and how she'll never feel love again. It's the ultimate "Piss off" to the producers, and I give her kudos.
week: Brad meets the families, including a tour of his potential burial plot courtesy of Shawntel and Emily's daughter spotting him for the d-bag he is. Go Ricky, go Ricky!