Chris "Chris Harrison" Harrison says Jake has some great dates planned for them tonight, which includes a solo date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. You all know what all those mean, right?
Then Harrison says everything is going to change this week, and invites the women outside, where there are a couple of RVs the size of apartment buildings. Kathryn says she knew that it meant they were going to be going somewhere. Kathryn must be some kind of genius. Harrison explains they're leaving the house forever and they're going on a road trip up the California coast and these RVs are going to be their homes for the few days.
"I am fixin' to get on this RV and I am so dang excited," says Ella, and claims that because she's a country girl from Tennessee, she's used to this. Like I've lived in HOUSES that are smaller than these things, so Ella acting like this is country life is ridiculous. I'm fixin' to be rollin' my eyes.
And then Ali and Tenley talk about how awesome it is that Vienna is on the other RV, because of her cooties I'm guessing, and Vienna says she would rather ride on a bike behind the RV than ride with Tenley and Ali. Ladies, you can do your hair and you can put on all the makeup you want, but nothing's uglier than this junior-high bullshit.
And then Ella wants her relationship to get "rolling down the highway of love," and unfortunately there are video cameras on the RVs so we get to watch lots of shaky, poorly composed camera work with the fake REC and red circle in the corner. And I think we're supposed to see "fun" and "spontaneous" but instead we see "annoying" and "obnoxious."
And then Corrie says they have to be the most dysfunctional family to have ever driven down the California coast, and I would like to submit the Manson family for her consideration, and ... no, wait, I think Corrie's got a point.
And there's Jake rolling down the highway on his hog. "It is so beautiful," he says. "The road trip this week is going to be amazing." They are going to make stops! On a road trip! And there will be surprises! And they are down to nine women, and each one is so amazing!
Then Jake is setting up a tent in a vineyard, and he can't think of a better place to fall in love, except for any other place he ever goes on every date with all the women, I think he means. Meanwhile, the women in the RVs speculate about who's getting the various dates, and Gia jokes that an Ali-Vienna two-on-one date would be like "Tyson-Holyfield" and she earns major points from me, especially since we can't tell if any of the other women (certainly not Vienna) have any idea what she's talking about. Although it's kind of too bad that Gia didn't go a little farther back in her sporting reference, because she's making a boxing reference -- and Ali's name is Ali!
Over in the other RV, Ali is expressing confidence that she'd come back from a two-on-one date with Vienna, and she'd go on one to "take one for the team," for the house, for the girls. And Tenley says "thank you," and she says it as sincerely as you'd say "thank you" to someone who was donating his kidney to you. "You guys! Ali said she'd go on a two-on-one date for us!"
The women arrive at the winery. Corrie says the vineyards and the mountains were beautiful, and then there's Jake waiting for them, and he hugs his harem as they disembark, and Tenley is ridiculously thrilled about Jake in his flannel: "Standing there all rugged, looking like a man!" And then Tenley is telling us how awkward it was when Vienna was being all forward with Jake about staying in his tent, because she hasn't learned yet that it only matters if Jake likes Vienna, not if Tenley likes Vienna.
Jake leaves the date card with Gia to read, once he's back at his tent, and she opens up the card and it's for her. "Gia: Let's go over the moon and under the stars," she says, and she's all a-flutter, but Vienna doesn't think it's going to work, because Gia's a New Yorker and Jake's a southern guy, and all I can say is that not everyone can be as rugged and outdoorsy as Vienna is.
And then Jake's talking about the "simple date" that they're going on, and he wants to know how the New Yorker is going to handle it. I like Gia, you know. She seems sweet. She gets dressed and says she wants to look cute for Jake, who shows up on his motorcycle, and Vienna is again questioning Gia's outdoorsy bona fides: "She's totally wrong for him!" Ashleigh asks the other women if they think Gia's coming back. "If she doesn't fall off the bike," jokes Jessie, which I think is her one line tonight.
Then they go to the vineyard, and Jake tells us Gia had a great idea: playing hide-and-seek in the vineyard. Hey, maybe she'll want to play hopscotch! But don't get her too worked up, or you'll never get her down for her afternoon nap. And then all of a sudden Gia has jumped into his arms and he is carrying her around like a baby.
Then they are sitting having a wine-tasting picnic, and Jake asks her about school, and Gia says she was a "nerd" and Jake says in ninth grade they used to call him "Mr. Dateless," and he says there were lots of girls that he thought were pretty, but he didn't have any confidence, and he didn't kiss a girl until 11th grade. Gia says her first kiss was awful, and it involved playing Spin the Bottle, which translates for Jake as "let's play Spin the Bottle!" which they do, and Jake tells her he's never played Spin the Bottle, and I counter by saying that I've never gone on The Bachelor, and then he's spinning and Gia says "first time is cheek, second time is lips, third time is ... all the way," like WHERE EXACTLY WERE YOU PLANNING TO HAVE HIM KISS, and this goes on forever, and eventually the two of them are making out, and Gia tells us that her first kiss (or, as she puts it, "Jake and I's first kiss") with Jake was the best kiss of her life. "Your heart kind of stops. You just stop thinking," she says. I find it really hard to believe that a bachelorette can just "stop thinking" like that, but there you have it.
Then they are camping out or something under the stars, which he calls his "apartment." Jake figures that because Gia is from New York, she thinks they're going to have steak for supper, whatever that's supposed to mean. Instead they're having hot dogs, which I hate to tell Jake are widely and famously enjoyed by New Yorkers. I know this from watching Law & Order. And then they're trying to start a campfire, and Gia figures she needs to learn how to do this, and apparently how you do it is bring a lighter with you and hold it to wood, like maybe they should be writing this down it's so complicated. Then they're snuggling and talking about plans, and Gia wants to get engaged, be engaged for a while, then be married for a few years before having kids, and then have kids before she's 30, and she wants to have two kids and adopt a baby girl from China. Sounds like she should have gotten started about six years ago.
And meanwhile, the other bachelorettes start yelling and squealing from their sad little passive-aggressive campfire, and Gia wonders if it's coyotes. Maybe, but in another few years they're all going to be cougars. The group date card arrives: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie. "stop: falling inn (not a typo), love Jake." That means Ella and Kathryn will be going on the two-on-one date. I love those dates, because it guarantees at least one idiot goes home.
Meanwhile, Gia is telling us that she loved the date because it was "real" and "fun" and she lies that she didn't worry about her hair and lipstick. Then she tells us that she's dated a lot of "bad guys" and she's somewhat scared to put her heart out there, because it could get broken, but then Jake goes to get the rose and he talks about what a blast he had. "It'
s been so refreshing," he says, and then gives her the rose, and of course she takes it, and they kiss. She tells us that she hasn't felt this way in two years, and she's almost crying and she babbles incoherently about giving her heart away, and how it's so great the way it's working out, because it's so awesome to be NOT CUT THIS WEEK, so you should definitely give your heart away! Jake says something inane about how great it is that someone from the city can enjoy a simple date like that, because god knows New Yorkers can't handle it if every date doesn't consist of fusion cooking followed by some weird conceptual performance art piece and a hansom cab ride through Central Park to a trendy bar where you pay $500 for a bottle of vodka.And now the bachelorettes are in the RVs, talking about the group date. "I don't know what we're doing but I think it's going to be fun," says Tenley, sounding like Lisa Simpson's "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!" Malibu Stacy doll. Apparently they're going to Pismo Beach.
Naturally, Jake is on his way there by riding his motorcycle along the shoreline, and his massive helmet makes him look like the Great Gazoo from The Flintstones. Vienna tells us that she doesn't like "her boyfriend" going on dates with other women, which is absolutely normal. So good job coming on The Bachelor, you moron. It's not like they changed the format up this year. Also, Ali feels like she's nothing like Vienna, so it's a problem for her that Vienna is still around.
Jake wants to know if they can get dirty and cut loose and have fun, even "as beautiful as they are," because lord knows pretty people don't like to have fun. So they're going dune buggyin', and Ali manages to snag shotgun with Jake. Nobody calls her a bitch about it (except maybe Vienna), whereas if Vienna had done it, everyone would have had a problem with it. Ali tells us that she's just here to get her man, which if I'm not mistaken is, again, the attitude that she deplores coming from Vienna. Meanwhile, Vienna, clearly pissed about it, claims to NOT be pissed about it, because she's going to marry Jake so Ali can have her thirty minutes in a dune buggy, and it ain't no thang.
Then Vienna and Jessie get stuck, and white knight Jake rolls up and lifts them out of the sand. Vienna tells us that Jake was her hero, which is great, because up until then she was completely ambivalent about his awesomeness. And now they're going sand surfing, which I refuse to believe is a real thing, and then Tenley falls down in Jake's arms, and she tells us that Jake managed not to hate her even though she was at her least attractive at that point.
Then they break for some fruit and wine, and then Jake asks if anyone wants to roll down the hill, and I guess the women are too tired even to pretend to be fun-loving and spontaneous, because only Corrie takes him up on it. The other women munch their fruit and seem a little impressed/jealous at Corrie stepping it up. Corrie tells us she figured she had to start "hanging out with this guy" or go home, and I hate to break it to her that the only options on this show are "go home" (vast majority) or "receive marriage proposal" (usually one, but not always, and proposal turns out to be non-binding anyway) so yeah, it's probably time to "hang out" with the guy.
And now they're at the Madonna Inn (at least until they switch over to the Whore Inn). Tenley tells us celebrities stay here, so that makes her feel special. She makes me so sad! They get out of the limousine, and Jake makes an "I love dirty girls" joke, and sends them off to freshen up, and the women all run off to wash the sand out of various crevices, which I imagine Jake will appreciate once the overnight dates start.
"You guys clean up nice," Jake tells them, when they all strut out. Jake tells us that it's great to have all the women here, but group dates are not his forte, so he's looking forward to spending individual time with them. First up, Ashleigh, who cuddles with Jake and plays with his clothes, and then she incongruously tells us that some girls get all affectionate but to her it comes off as desperate, so she wouldn't do it. They cuddle and kiss a little bit, but Jake looks awkward, and tells us he's not feeling any chemistry.
Jake brings Ashleigh back and invites Vienna to the audition couch, but she declines and says she'd like to be the last one. Jake's surprised, but agrees, and asks Ali instead. "What the fuck's wrong with that girl?" asks Ali, who then apparently just wants to talk rose-distribution strategy with Jake.
Back at the bachelorette pad, Gia brings out the date card: "Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes." Kathryn admits to be bothered by it, and says she hasn't spent enough time with him, so she doesn't know why he'd put her in that position. I think she answered her own question. I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. Are we positive she's been on every week? "This is not a game for me," says Ella, similarly upset. So go home!
God, Jake's going to ask Tenley if she's over her ex-husband. He wants to know what happened, and apparently he cheated on her with a woman who worked with him (he's a police officer). He's lying down, head in her lap, and she asks if he feels comfortable with her, and then after some babbling she leans over and kisses him, and then she makes him sit up so she can give him a good kiss. "Jake's lips feel amazing," she says, and he's the first one she's kissed since her ex-husband, and it's great to kiss and be able to trust the person you're kissing. Again: HE'S DATING OTHER WOMEN. Jake might be the first man you've kissed since your ex-husband, but you're not even the first woman he's kissed in the last twenty minutes!
So then Vienna and Jake are getting their alone time, and Jake tells her, as an outsider, it looks sometimes like she brings the drama on herself. Meanwhile, the women back at the table are speculating that Jake and Vienna don't seem so tight anymore. Jake admits to us that he's been "pumping the brakes" a little with Vienna, because he's been listening to the other women. That's almost too stupid to recount, but Jake probably needs to think about how the other women are her competitors. However! Vienna is a dingbat, but it would be awfully churlish of Jake to tell us, "She appears to be a mental case who acts like she's thirteen years old."
Anyway, Jake then winds up giving the rose to Tenley, which appears to mean that the bull's-eye might move to her back from Vienna's, at least momentarily. Ashleigh thinks Tenley's impossibly perky, and she might think someone is psychotic, if they were that happy all the time.
Back on the RVs, the women are all discussing what a shit deal the two-on-one date is, but I'm sure they all agree that Jake is awesome. They're heading up to Big Sur. "This decision tonight is going to be awful, but it's going to get me that much closer to possibly popping a conditional promise to propose that I will never fulfil," says Jake.
They're in the forest, and Jake has on a jacket, which Ali seems to think is a "lumberjack getup." Ella packs while she tells us she's not keen on the two-on-one date, but she's going to use what she's got. Apparently, that means cleavage. I can't say I'm not a fan. Kathryn is hoping Jake's her soul mate, and that he feels the same way. Well, if he did, you wouldn't be on this two-on-one date.
"My goal for tonight is to lay my heart out there and be completely open," Jake tells us, and he hopes the women do the same, and he tells us it "rips" his heart open that he has to let one of them go tonight.
So: the dinner. Ella asks what he's looking for in a wife, and he says he's looking for someone who "anchors their faith," whatever that's supposed to mean. He asks her the same question. The short version of her long answer: I want a daddy for my son. Oh, and a best friend. And Kathryn tries to interrupt, but is unsuccessful, and then she tells us he gave most of the attention to Ella and she felt like a "third wheel" [sic].
And then Jake and El
1 2 3 4
la go off for some one on one time, and he talks about how awesome Ethan is, but Ella, after blathering on for half-an-hour about Ethan suddenly doesn't want Jake to think of her as just a mom. "With me, you get the whole package," she says. Well, she's not going to say the word MILF, but she implies it.So now it's Kathryn's turn. "I love your eyes. I keep getting lost in your eyes," says Jake, like how much do you want a tree to crash on his dingbat head? And immediately Kathryn lays into him for never paying attention to her when they're in a group of people. "What you're feeling is me just trying to be cautious," he tells her. Why? Because she's so beautiful. I need to hold my supper down. "I'm trying not to get too lost in that," he says. Being told she's beautiful appears to appease the rabid attention-vampire, and then they chat, and then they hug, and then Kathryn deludes herself by telling us that she really thinks Jake likes her but is just scared.
So then we get some shots of Jake brooding over his decision. This gets harder and harder for him, and he doesn't want to lead anyone on. He also doesn't want to give a rose to someone who's not right for him. So he rejoins the women, and asks to talk to Ella outside. Kathryn sits and stews.
Outside, Jake starts off: "I think you're such an amazing person. I really, really do..." Well, this isn't going to end well. He says he's looking at the 60 years, and he thinks he's developing stronger feelings for some of the other women. Well, unless one of those women specifically is Kathryn, that doesn't matter right now, does it? She handles it well. "Be wise in who you choose," she says, and he sees her off.
He tells us that he feels bad, and then comes back in and tells Kathryn, "That was not fun." He tells her that "there were some things that she said" but doesn't elaborate, and he tells her she's really honest, and then he feeds her some bullshit about how some guy is going to sweep her off her feet, and he wants to be that guy but he's not that guy. She doesn't understand, because after all, didn't they just have a great conversation? Shouldn't they be getting married soon? He sees her outside, and she tells him that she thinks he's making a mistake. He drips with his fake sincerity, and tells us his decision was impossible. Really? If it wasn't right with either of them, doesn't that make it easier?
Back at the campfire, the women see Ella's bags get taken. She's being carted off, thinking it doesn't make any sense for Jake to let her go this early. And then Kathryn says, "Did anyone see that coming?" The women see Kathryn's bags get picked up, and they react with actual shock. OK, you know how people look when they're watching news coverage of the devastation in Haiti? That's how these women look. It's doubly weird because it's like they don't understand that this makes their chances BETTER. "I hope Jake doesn't crash and burn on this journey that he's on," Ella says, while Kathryn thinks he's going to wind up with the wrong person. Jake says, "This is the first of many decisions that I'm going to make that no one's going to understand, and it's only going to get worse." It would be awfully nice if Jake thought about some of the stupid things before he said them, so he could think to himself, "Wait, that makes absolutely no sense." And then Jake ponderously carries the rose out to the back of the cabin and throws it on the fire, where the flames mimick the hell that I am in right now.
Oh man, one of the clichés I hate the most on this show is the constant repetition from the women about how every day or every event makes this "more real," which is what goes on as the women discuss the double-elimination last night. Anyway, Ali is chairing another meeting of the We Hate Vienna Anti-Fan club in her RV, and the only reason it's not happening in the other one is that Vienna's in that one. Otherwise, Corrie would be chairing that meeting.
The RVs pull up in front of a white mansion, and then in the middle of the night apparently, Jake rides up on his hog, and he's still whining about how hard it was last night, and how hard it's going to be tonight. Then the women are all dressed up and Jake is toasting them, and talking about doing shots. Corrie tells us that she thinks the other women have progressed with Jake more than she has, and she hopes to remedy that.
She sits down with Jake, and asks if she makes him nervous, and he says he's not, but then she whines that if a guy likes a woman, he SHOULD feel a little nervous, so Jake backpedals and is kind of like, "oh, NERVOUS nervous? yeah, I feel a little nervous." And then he tells us that he doesn't think Corrie's going to be able to open her heart for as deep of a relationship as he wants, even though he appears to be the one lying to her.
And then Ali sits down with him and lavishes the praises on him, and says what he did last night was "unbelievably honourable" and says, "I was like, I am really falling for this guy!" and then they make out, and Jake says it's nice that they've reached the place where nothing needs to be said. Unfortunately, that does not mean that Ali shuts up instead of blathering on about being petrified.
And then Jessie is telling the other women that she's going to say something about Vienna to Jake, which is such a bad idea it's not even funny. "There's one person in the house that I don't feel is for you, and I'd never say something if I wasn't 110 percent," she says, and tells him it's Vienna. She's only doing this because she cares, understand. He asks what it is Jessie's seen, and Jessie calls Vienna "self-centred" and "spoiled" and talks about Vienna crashing cars and figuring her dad will just write her cheques like it's nothing, and Jessie doesn't think Jake wants to be that "daddy." Jake treats Jessie like she's performing this major public service by talking about this.
And then it's Vienna's turn to talk to Jake, and the whole thing about the other women not liking her, which Vienna says is because the other women view her as a threat. Jake asks if she's really that worried that the other women are talking shit about her, this coming just a few minutes after Jessie was, you know, talking shit about her. "I like to form my own opinion," Jake lies.
Harrison comes in to take Jake away, and Ali is laying down one of the most hilarious ultimatums ever: Instead of saying, "If Jake gives her a rose, I'm not accepting a rose," she says, "If she stays tonight, I will accept my rose, if I get one with dignity, but I will probably have a very... a conversation that he would probably never expect." Well, that'll show him. Because oh yeah, a conversation in which a woman takes shots at Vienna, he'd never expect that.
Rose ceremony is a little earlier than normal, but we've seen the previews, so I think we know what's coming. Harrison gives a longer recap than normal, and Jake comes in and Harrison's all, "When you're ready," and Jake says, "I'm not ready," because this is SO HARD FOR HIM.
He tells the women he's had so much fun this week, but these rose ceremonies happen too often for him. They hurt poor sensitive Jake so much. He talks again about how they've put their lives on hold, and it "hurts [his] heart" that he has to say goodbye to somebody.
First rose: Ali. Accept that rose with phoney dignity, Ali! Then, Corrie. And then, we wait forever, and Jake, the big faker, falters a little reaching for the penultimate rose, and then Jake appears to be getting all choked up and says he needs a minute, and the camera is all Blair Witch-style chasing him, and a production assistant or something says they'll get Chris Harrison and she speaks really soothingly to Jake, like how fragile is this guy anyway, and Harrison is in the courtyard mackin' on some fans or something (I presume) and Jake comes out and says he needs some advice, and then hems and haws about being sure or not being sure about people, and Harrison doesn't have any damn idea what he's talking about, so he just point-blank asks what Jake is asking
1 2 3 4
here, and Jake finally says: "Do I have to give out two more roses?" Now that would be a dramatic set break if we hadn't already seen it eighty times this season.Tenley tells us what a hard time Jake was having during the rose ceremony, and Jake is asking Harrison what he should do. Harrison talks about how Jake's committed to finding love, and the fact he pulled the trigger on two women this week already is a testament to that. If Jake's sure that there are two women in there who are NOT going to be his wife, they'll take one rose away.
So Harrison strolls in, and breaks the news to the women. Harrison is like Silvio to Jake's Tony Soprano! Harrison asks if Jake's sure about this, and Jake is, so this is the last rose.
It's down to Ashleigh, Vienna and Jessie, and after the longest, most boring pause in Bachelor history (until week), the rose goes to Vienna. Jessie practically starts laughing, she cannot believe it, and Ashleigh mouths the word "wow." Ali has a serious bitchface going on. Seriously ugly right now. "How could he possibly keep her here?" she whispers, and if that's what Jake wants, then Ali is not what he wants.
Jessie, who I think is really cute, blames herself for not stepping up her game. What really seems to burn her, though, is the fact that it was Vienna left. She agrees with the other women staying, but not her.
Jake says goodbye to Ashleigh, and tells her that the chemistry just wasn't there. "It's all right," she says. Ali, meanwhile, is blowing a gasket. "How could he look at her and think she could be his wife?" she whispers, and "Get me the fuck away from her," because apparently she cannot operate her own legs.
Outside, Ashleigh does the tried-and-true "I don't even care oh wait now I'm crying" routine. "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? That's awesome," she says, and then, after saying "There's a reason why she doesn't have any friends in the house," calls herself the most mature one there. "I was the real one in the house," she says, and she figures that's why she's going while the "liar and deceiver" is staying.
"It's been a very difficult rose ceremony," Jake tells the survivors, and they're wrapping up their road trip, and their stop is San Francisco, which he knows will excite Ali in particular. Ali looks like she'd rather, instead of going to San Francisco, stab Jake to death. I mean, fair enough. He kept Vienna, thinking only about whether he liked her enough, and not whether Ali liked her at all.
Credits sequence: the women sit around a campfire while the crew sneakily gets footage of a family of curious raccoons creeping up on them. Little forest ninjas, they are. When the women finally spot them, Gia freaks and runs for the bus, a behaviour more appropriate when you spot zombies advancing on you.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's not watching The Bachelor for the right reasons. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4