By Sars
Previously on Get On With It, Damn: Pretzel Girl; Mallory got her pool on; Jenni got the first prophylactic rose; oh, Melissa.
Fade up on Chris Harrison explaining this week's dealio: they'll have two group dates, with half the group going on one and half the group on the other. Each date will have one rose up for grabs; the recipients of the roses are safe at the Rose Ceremony.
The girls cluster around the first Date Box (hee…"Box") to find out who's going where, and the first date is a trip to the racetrack. Much squealing and trying on of portrait hats, and then curling of hair and brushing of teeth, and then hostile "joking" about sloppy seconds. As the girls pile into the limo, Jade says she's got a good shot at the rose, since she's "one of the more competitive ones," and also one of the better-looking girls, and then she cracks up at herself all "I'm so bad." Yep, that's pretty hilarious, Jade, given that your hairstyle makes you look ten years older than you are, so give it back to Rachel and shut up.
Racetrack. Brad greets them at the entrance with hugs and compliments while Brad VO blathers about how it's the first group date very exciting blah. The group gets settled in a private box (hee…"box"); Brad pours wine and tells the girls that, if he were their waiter, he would be "sweating profusely," which comes off weird written out like that but is actually kind of funny. Kind of, but Hillary laughs really hard instead of adjusting her halter dress so her boobs don't make that ass-cracky shape.
Brad then whips out a wad o' cash for the women to bet the ponies with; in a Bradterview, he explains that you can tell a lot about a person "by the way they bet." (Note to self: Do not try to marry Brad during Bunting-siblings blackjack outing to A.C.; will not work out.) Pointless footage of the race and of everyone fakely cheering. DeAnna's horse wins. Squealing. "Okay, that's exciting!" Brad announces, but it is not.
Back at the house, the other girls get their Date Box (hee…sorry, I'll stop now), which is a raffia beach bag -- they'll be going to the beach with Brad. Oh, that'll end well. And classily. Reading my mind, the editors cut to Solisa, who foobterviews that it's a way better date than going to the track, because they'll get to wear bikinis -- except she says they'll "be on our bikinis," which, typically of Solisa, makes the kind of sense that isn't. The girls talk about man muscles and try on the bikinis they got in the Date Bag.
Then Sheena narrates the big ambulance drama, which is that she heard screaming and ran over to find that Michele had fallen on the stairs. I would like to tell you more, but the cameras didn't catch it -- and I love how that's almost always true on reality TV, that either it's not on camera somehow with eight kabillion cameras in the house or they just choose not to show it; it seems to happen on RW/RR Challenge every season. Everyone's lying around hungover, they've got a dozen guys on it, but if actual punches get thrown, we have to hear about it thirdhand from a PA. Anyway, the ambulance pulls up, the others stand around looking…well, trying to look concerned, but mostly looking vaguely irritated at all the attention Michele is getting for her possibly broken neck, and Michele is loaded onto a backboard with much whimpering and weeping and taken away in the ambulance. Lindsey VOs about how horrible it was (fairly sincerely, which is more than I can say for some people) while this is going on.
Back from the break to the racetrack. A few of the girls and Brad feed a racehorse big phallic carrots. Brad VOs that he wants to get in-depth with the girls today. In the suite, girls talk about wanting the rose; Hillary interviews that she wanted to grab said rose and run away with it. Cut to Brad and Hillary taking a walk. They're holding hands, and Hillary (drunkenly?) burbles to Brad that on a scale of one to ten, he's an eleven point five. "Oh God! Well, thank you," Brad says, at a loss. Hillary does have a sort of Ralph Wiggum-y quality to her, for lack of a better comparison. Other girls spy on them from the suite as, near a corral, Hillary laughs too hard at Brad's jokes some more. The camera zooms in on Hillary's hand on his back; Brad has his arm lightly around her. Remember this. DeAnna uses the opera glasses to get a closer look as Jade 'etterviews that she's not cool with Hillary bogarting the Brad.
In other news, either someone in the ABC programming department thought Brad might start growing ovaries if he didn't get some man time, or someone in the ABC programming department has naked pictures of NFL linebacker Shaun Phillips, because Phillips shows up in the suite to press the flesh and hand out Chargers t-shirts. Out in the hall, Shaun gives especial thumbs-up to DeAnna and McCarten, then leaves. Moments later, Brad gets a phone call about Michele, and after he hangs up, he explains that she slipped on the stairs and got a mild concussion. Erin gives Kristy an "I'm so sure" look, and then it's time for McCarten to reel off a string of winners, starting with her immediately pulling a bitchface and snotting, "So she has a mild concussion and she was able to call you?" Not that I wouldn't wonder the same thing, but -- later. Privately. While not looking like I just got punched in the stomach by someone else's misfortune. McCarten's move is to claim in an 'etterview that the collective initial reaction to the news that Michele fell down the stairs was to wonder how Michele got Brad's phone number, which is idiotic in addition to being pointlessly twatty. They're called producers. Then, before Brad can process the information any further, McCarten gets up and asks him for a one-on-one, in a manner that she thinks is flirtatious but is actually ham-handed and abrupt. Wow. Then, in the hall, she immediately reaches for his hand while VO-ing that her plan is to get some alone time with Brad and maybe lay one on him -- which, after a goofy toast to "a perfect date," she does. While he's talking, and not even looking at her. Smoove M, people. Hope you're taking notes. Brad politely plays it off like it's his bad for chatting while she's trying to kiss him, but -- he's talking, McCarten. Figure it out. Bradterview: "Towards the end of the talk, we shared a kiss, which I…I don't know, I mean, I can't lie, it wasn't good," and he bursts out laughing. Come sit by me, Brad. Back with McCarten, he absentmindedly wipes some of her lip gloss off with his thumb, and McCarten is on him for it immediately: "First you talk while we kiss, then you wipe it off, that's not very nice." Um: your fault. Again, she's going for "joking," but it's obvious she's peeved. Bradterview: Hopefully the kiss is better -- if there is a one.
Sunset one-on-one with DeAnna, where she talks about her hopes for the show, but also that it won't destroy her if she goes home. It's a bit awkward, but she's not fake, and Brad seems into her. Brad excuses himself for a second, and she's a little bummed, but he's going inside to retrieve the rose; in the suite, when he grabs the rose off the salver, Jade and McCarten make "…I don't know" faces. Outside, Brad "feel[s] a really good connection," and gives DeAnna the rose.
Inside, Jade says, "Boo," then starts "laughing" to disguise her loathing of DeAnna. McCarten "shrugs" that she doesn't know what criteria Brad "went off of" to pick the rose. Well, let's see: DeAnna didn't imply that Michele was lying, she didn't wait exactly half a second for Brad to react to the news before dragging him away from the others, and she didn't kiss him mid-sentence sans chemistry. It's called "an iota of grace." Borrow one from someone. Then Jade suggests not leaving Brad and DeAnna alone too long, so they all get up to "bust up" the two of them.
Outside, DeAnna shares that she had a five-year relationship that ended when the guy cheated on her. It looks like Brad's thinking about planting one on DeAnna but the others arrive just then. Jade 'etterviews that DeAnna is "the quiet one," but she wonders if that's just a front DeAnna puts on "for the girls." Meanwhile, Hillary's mad that she didn't get the rose, describing Brad as getting "all touchy-feely" with her during their one-on-one. See above re: that's not really what happened, but whatever gets you through the night, Butt Chest. Brad toasts future fun times; DeAnna says there's a lot of game still to play.
Commercials.
The day (…probably), the girls slated for the beach date put on a wedgie-tastic bikini fashion show; the girls from the track date stare dully. Sarah 'etterviews that the track-date girls got jealous because the others got to wear bikinis, or something, but aside from Erin, who looks like she might start crying, everyone just looks too tired to muster up much reaction. Hillary complains that the bikini parade is insensitive to Michele, who can't go on the beach date with the others, although if Hillary really cares about Michele and not her own jealous self, I will eat my hat.
Brad pulls up to the house in a woody wagon, which as visual puns go is a pretty funny one, and VOs that today's group daters have a lot to live up to compared to blah blah. Faux Beach Boys music tootles on the soundtrack. Brad goes in, greets everyone, then asks after Michele; he's told she's outside, and she is, sitting forlornly on a chaise and fooling around with a Nerf football and getting more tan, which is not what I'd suggest for her, since she already looks…well, a trifle mature. Any road, Brad comes out to check her okay. She's embarrassed about her injuries and Brad's pity. Inside, McCarten reports to the others that he's "brushing" Michele's arm, and…look, I'm not unaware that this sort of cattiness is half the draw of this show, and that it's a competition, but caring that much, that humorlessly, this early in the going? Doesn't that seem like a bad call strategically? With that many women still in it, wouldn't you want to behave a little more generously towards someone who hit her head, as you must have done repeatedly as a child in order to have this poor a sense of how you come off, McCarten? Sheena says in an 'etterview that they all hope Michele's okay, but at the same time, they're there for one reason, which is a nicer way to put it without blowing sunshine up the situation's ass. Thank you, Sheena. Brad tells Michele that she's tough, which is "very attractive," and gets on his way.
Beach house. Brad sets about making drinks. Brad VO: I have to give away a rose, tough decision, blah.
Bikini montage. Girls do cartwheels and handstands on the sand. The girls beg Brad to take his shirt off; it's Stephy who takes matters into her own hands and peels it off him.
Back at the house, the track-date girls are bitching about how tacky the others were with the bikini parade. Jade, rearranging her matronly bang sweep, sniffs that she thought "they were being really…forward." In an 'etterview, she talks about the division in the house between the "classier" girls, in the track-date group, and the other girls "who went on today's date." Hillary, once again not wearing a top that suits her torso, bitches that Brad wants a girl he can bring home to his family, "not some trashy girl that has a nice body and -- acts fake." Telling phrasing, that. What about a sweet girl that has a nice body and acts sincere? Because you'd be oh for three, Hillsy. You heard me.
Beach house. Jenni gives a cheesy PG-13 toast and the group does a shot. Beach frolicking montage. Then Sarah invites Brad inside, which Jenni complains about, but Sarah doesn't seem that "overbearing" to me, and Brad loves her "disposition." …"Disposition"? What is he, my grandmother? They talk about how Brad used to be way too serious, and Sarah is accused of having way too much fun (…whatever), so maybe they can average each other out. Brad likes Sarah, she seems "down to earth." Hugs.
…Oh, dear. Back outside with the group, Solisa announces that she wants a body shot. Solisa 'etterviews that she wants Brad to see she's a "free spirit." That's…not exactly what he's going to see by slurping tequila out of your navel, but good luck to you. Brad somewhat awkwardly does the body shot; Bettina 'etterviews that, watching that, she wanted to barf. Get in line, missy. Bradterview is kind of nonplussed, but says Solisa should show him the real her.
Then it's a one-on-one with Solisa, who's vacuum-packed into a ruched cover-up and rambling about how she's a Christian and she has morals and values. Which morals/values exactly, she does not specify, and Brad has zero idea what to do with this, and as she's trying, clumsily, to imply that she doesn't put out for just anyone, he's shifting around uncomfortably and repeating, "So, you have morals, you have strong values…?" The sound drops out before he actually says, "So what?" out loud, but…seriously. Solisa VO tells us that God made her body so she's comfortable with it, or something. I don't know, she's weird.
Commercials.
More beach scenes. Back with Stephy, who 'etterviews that she doesn't know if Brad likes quiet or outgoing, but she's outgoing. "I've been really aggressive today…" She trails off and then makes a clowny "yeesh!" face, which made me like her. The shot is Stephy licking salt off Brad's treasure trail prior to doing a shot, which is unfortunate.
At the dinner table, Brad gives a little homily about how it's a hard decision and he likes how different everyone is from each other. Jenni 'etterviews that she really wants the rose. Inside, Brad tells Jenni that whenever he's with her, he can't stop laughing, which is good. Then they kiss for real. The music is all theatrical about it. Jennterview: Woo hoo! Finally Brad, probably in danger of popping a Woodrow, says they should rejoin the others.
Back at the house, Jade and Hillary go through Jenni's suitcase to find her modeling portfolio. Hillary is pissed that Jenni is trying "to advance her career," and it makes her second-guess why Jenni's really there. First of all, it's no excuse for going into Jenni's things. Second of all, like anyone's going to get a modeling contract from appearing on The Bachelor -- won't happen, and if it did, it…wouldn't be Jenni. Cute girl, seems pretty sweet, not a model, let's leave it there. Third of all, jealous much? Hillary snots that she hopes Brad can see through that. Well, so do I, but if he sees through that, he'll see through your "integrity of the process" bullshit to the fact that you're threatened, so how about you spend a little less time worrying about Jenni, and a little more time styling your hair in ways that don't make your face look like a Buzz Lightyear doll?
Beach house. Brad excuses himself and Sarah and takes the rose with him. Left behind, Jenni and Solisa commiserate with big fake smiles about how they didn't call that. I didn't either; Sarah is annoying. Stephy, completely absorbed in trying to retie her cover-up, is like, "Me neither. …Wait, what?" Hee. I don't know why I like her, but I do. Down the beach, Sarah accepts the rose. Jennterview: We just kissed, so that's lame. Lindsey tells the others, "I think she's fake." Someone else is like, "Really?" and Lindsey's all, "Who can seriously be that happy all the time, come on." Aaaaand Lindsey is awesome. Lindsterview: Credit to Sarah -- her shit worked, my be-myself shit didn't.
Hot tub. Jenni offers another cheese-ola toast before Brad says he wants to hear "the craziest thing each of you has ever done." Lindsey's like, I don't skinny-dip so don't get your hopes up; Jenni's like, "First time is tonight," and starts clapping, but she's kidding, I think. Solisa, not so much. She jumps up all, "Speaking of which!", runs out of the hot tub peeling her top off, and dashes down towards the water and out of camera range. Some of the girls cheer her on, but mostly everyone -- including Brad -- is like, "Enjoy. …So anyway." Nobody follows Solisa, or even starts to. Oh, Solisa. When she returns to the deck, she's all, "Crazy, huh?" Brad's like, "Uh…huh?" Solisa 'etterviews about how she had to make her mark before the Rose Ceremony. Good thinking, professor.
Back to the break, it's cocktail-party time, but before we get to the Rose Ceremony, Brad needs to take some one-on-one time with Michele. She's still kind of uncomfortable that her falling down the stairs is the focus, but she'd have done better to stick to concussions as a convo topic, launching as she does instead into a cringey litany of how she's the oldest one still left in the house, she wants to get married and have kids, she doesn't want kids right away but she's 30 so everyone says she should have kids right away, she wants to travel, she has college loans to pay, oh boy is it uncomfortable, and that pink -- which, based on what we've seen her wearing in the episode so far, is her favorite color -- is awful on her. She 'etterviews that it felt very rushed because she didn't get to go on a date with him; on the outdoor sofa, Brad looks terrified.
One-on-one with Bettina. She's scared to tell him she's divorced. She makes a whole choky dramatic deal about feeling nervous, Brad tells her to relax, she gets teary but doesn't tell him.
One-on-one with Mallory. Brad VO reminisces about Mallory jumping into the pool on the first night, but in real time, she's a mess; he asks what her perfect day is like, and she gets bogged down listing the ingredients of the breakfast in bed he would make for her, then talks about doing "something outside" like a watercolor or reading. What? "Let's go on a hike -- with Cray-Pas!" Then Brad asks if they have jobs, which is weird, because it's a perfect day, not an average day. Mallory's like, "In the what now?"
Jade and Hillary shit-talk Jenni, who overhears them and gets upset. She's crying in the bathroom; a girl I think is Kristy tells her to shake it off. Jennterview: So I brought the modeling book, big deal; I don't trash-talk anyone else, because it's about me and him. Jenni looks super-cute with her side ponytail and big earrings as she weeps some more to DeAnna, who's like, I feel you, but you basically can't trust anyone under these circumstances. Jenni's worried that someone is going to talk shit about her to Brad.
Cut to Jade doing just that, saying she hopes Brad doesn't think she's a tattletale, but "people, like, have their modeling portfolios here." She says she doesn't walk around "with [her] ta-tas hanging out" and isn't "your typical bar girl," which, what does that even mean. Brad's pretty much like, eyes on your own paper, and Jade's like, right right right, totally, that's why I didn't name anyone specifically! Wow, a bitch and a pussy. Winning combo, Jade.
Brad VOs about how he's trying to figure out who's here to fall in love and who's just having a good time, and of course we cut inside to Hillary and Solisa up on a table, and Solisa is vibrating her butt-cheeks. 'Etterviews about wanting a rose. Solisa wiggling her foobs. Hillary trying to do a booty dance and landing somewhere on the epileptic spectrum. Brad toasts to Michele feeling better.
Chris! Thank God you're here. It's Rose Ceremony time. Bradterview: I don't like breaking people's hearts; "it's weighing heavily" blah blah.
Commercials.
Rose Ceremony. Chris introduces Brad. Brad: blah blah high stakes tough decision. Accepting roses: Kristy. Bettina, who needs blotting papers. Hillary, ew. Stephy. (Shot of Jade shooting a "…bitch" side-eye at Lindsey.) Sheena. McCarten, yuck, who is more elbowy than necessary as she comes out of the back row. Jenni. (Shot of Jade shooting a completely over-the-top Cruella DeVil glare at Jenni.) Lindsey, who also needs blotting papers. Jade, ew. Chris comes in to announce the last rose, and leaves again. Last rose goes to…Solisa. Oh, Brad. Come on, buddy!
Hereby ejected: the unmemorable Erin; Mallory, who is the best we've seen her in an entirely philosophical and fine-with-it exit interview; and Michele, who admits tearfully that she'll blame her fall for the fact that she got ousted because it will make her feel better, but she knows Brad just wasn't feeling it and that's that: "I'm a nice person, I'm kick-ass! People fall in love with me, just not Brad." Aw, Michele. Seriously, babe: wear more blue, and find yourself a nice guy who's in a band on the weekends and rides a Harley.
week: Hillary has a meltdown. Also, Chad.