By Daniel
Much thanks to Angel for covering last week's episode, which means I got to dodge the first-episode bullets. Here's what I missed recapping: trying to keep track of all the women's names, even the ones who bought the same boobs from the same doctor; the one episode that includes the token non-white contestant, although this time we can assume that Jake didn't keep her not because she wasn't white but because she busted out the pubic-hair innuendo a little early; and all the stupid cutesy gimmicks the women use to try to make themselves stand out when they meet Jake for the first time. Of course, since I'm such a dedicated recapper, I watched the episode anyway so I would have some idea what was to come in episode two. This marks the first time ever that I watched The Bachelor without getting paid for it. I'm the most altruistic recapper ever!
Chris Harrison bellows at all the women to come in to the common room and asks them what they think of the place, and they squeal as they express just how awesome the bachelorette pad is, and I'm assuming part of the attraction is the VD/boob job clinic door. He also lies to them and tells them that thousands of women wanted to date Jake.
Chris lays out the rules, like they don't already know how it works, and he advises the women to take advantage of their time with Jake, since not everyone will get dates every week. And he's got the first group date card, which involves Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh H. "I wish my name was on that. But that's OK. It's just the first group date," says Michelle, which means she'll postpone going batshit crazy at least for a little while.
"A picture is worth a thousand words," reads the card. Christina has no idea what that means but thinks it's going to be the first date with her future husband. Yeah, imagine telling your children about how your first date with their dad was with a bunch of other reality show fame whores! So then Jake shows up and says last night was the "best night" of his life and says it was the last chapter in his "nice guys finish last" life and I'm starting to wonder if he's trademarked that phrase and gets a royalty every time he says it or something. And he arrives in the house and it's like when the Pope shows up in St. Peter's square. And he takes them all to a hotel in Santa Monica, and I have to say I'm surprised that he's wearing a shirt. He says he thinks the women are going to "freak out" when he explains what's going to be going on. He mentions "cloud nine" and it won't be the first or last time he or someone else says it tonight.
Then he introduces "Hal" who's going to conduct a photo shoot with them. He's the fashion director with In Style magazine. Some of the women are thrilled, but that's because some of them are models and most of them are just here to be famous. Corrie calls In Style her "fashion bible." Christina would rather do a math test, even though she's quite cute herself. She's feeling "hivish" while Rozlyn thinks Jake is so cute that she wants to bite him, and Gia talks about how she usually models in swimsuits.
Rozlyn sounds exactly like that annoying Kristin Wiig character who always tries to one-up everyone as she casually mentions to another woman that she's been modeling for ten years. She gets in some tinfoil looking dress, and she works the camera so well that the photographer calls her "gorge" as in short for "gorgeous" and not "I can feel my gorge rising" then when Jake shows up she actually lifts her leg so high her cooter needs to be blacked out. Then there is another blonde woman getting her picture taken, and then there's Gia, and then Phylicia or Alicia or Valishia or whoever and then Cory or Corrie or whatever and I think there are just women off the street getting their pictures taken with him at this time, and the whole time we're getting shots of Christina looking like she's going to throw up, and she drinks the whole time and asks a staffer if she can make her "really skinny with really big boobs." The look on the dude's face is "yeah, I get that a lot." Someone tells Gia that she has "nice ta-tas." Sure, she can say it. But I tried that once, in school, and Sister Margaret did not take it as a compliment. Rozlyn makes some smart-ass comment about another woman wanting to clean something of the back of Jake's teeth with her tongue. When it's finally Christina's time, she's still really nervous, and Jake talking-heads about how he wanted to make her feel comfortable, and so he compliments the way her dress brings out her eyes like OH MY GOD HOW AMAZING IS JAKE, HE COMPLIMENTED HER EYES? The music gets all soft with a strummy guitar and all the women swoon.
And they kind of slow dance, and then we have a different Christina in a different dress in a talking-head talking about how Jake is awesome and cured feline AIDS in his spare time just by smiling at her with his safety- and security-inducing smile.
And then there's the group shot, which features Jake in the middle, with the women surrounding him pulling him apart. Rozlyn says the photo shoot was super exciting, but she's still focused on Jake, and she wants the rose. How big of her to not try to use her job as a prop in a Bachelor photo shoot as a step towards Hollywood domination!
Now it's time for dinner, and they're at a place called Shangri-La for the "wrap party" as Jake calls it, only there's no one there from In Style, naturally, and Rozlyn sees the rose sitting there and says she wants it.
Then Jake is talking with Gia one-on-one about her past relationships, and she starts talking about how she was very artsy and her first serious relationship was the "popular guy" and then Ashleigh sashays over in her bikini, while some bam-chicka-wow-wow music plays, to steal Jake. And Gia jokes that she should put on her bikini, and by joking I mean she honestly wants Ashleigh to die a horrible death, and Gia goes back to the group and tells the other women what happened, and Ashleigh gets called a "bikini buster." Ashleigh says the pool was cold which I thought was going to be a setup for a shrinkage joke but is just an excuse for her to rub her body all over Jake for some "body heat." And it's wrong for Ashleigh to do it, but not wrong for all the rest of them to do it? Which is what happens. "Ashleigh isn't the only girl here who can rock a bikini," says Gia. Yeah, good thing they all had bathing suits there, but Ashleigh's the skank because she puts hers on first, right? And then they have some kind of pool orgy, with poor cute Christina feeling out of place. "Roz has this sex appeal that I don't have," she says, confusing, as this show often does, breast implants with sex appeal.
Back at the Bachelorette house, the date card says something about someone getting to "take off on" a one-on-one date with Jake. And there's a diamond necklace that most of the women would apparently sell their families to wear. There's no name with the one-on-one date card, and Michelle jokes that maybe the date goes to the first woman who puts the necklace on. "Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds. Oh my goodness," says Michelle in a talking-head. Thanks for the insight!
And then there's Christina stammering her way through some one-on-one time with Jake, saying she couldn't sing his praises any more than she does. She's slurring her words, and then she hums the Twilight Zone theme, and she's completely plastered, which appears to have turned Jake off. And as she's calling herself the "normal girl," then Rozlyn shows up and actually wiggles her fake breasts at him. I'm not being sarcastic. She stands there and shakes her chest at him. After Jake leaves, Christina decides it's time for another shot (of alcohol, not with Jake).
So Rozlyn, right in the middle of her one-on-one time with Jake, asks why she's the only person who hasn't had any one-on-one time. Instead of Jake saying that that's because he wasn't sure he could afford her hourly rate, he says something about how he was planning to come see her and calls her a "pro at photos," and the thing you know, Rozlyn and Jake are sucking face, and she says she's been waiting all day for that.
Then Jake excuses himself, and as he goes to get the rose, he talks about how "really mysterious" Rozlyn is, which is hilarious, and that she's way out of his comfort zone with her. And then there's Christina getting bummed in a voiceover. Rozlyn says she's usually not in a position to "beat up other women" and her "I'm not catty, but I will cut a bitch" spiel lasts forever. Meanwhile, we watch Jake stroll down to pick up the rose and then go all the way back up, only he's not holding it when he gets there, because he's got it stuffed behind his back and then he pulls it out of his ass and gives it to her and she is of course thrilled because it's not every day that a rose covered in fecal matter signifies that you get to continue on a reality show for the non-chance to not-marry a possibly not-even-straight bachelor, after all. Rozlyn says she thinks the other women were surprised by how forward she was. They haven't seen anything yet, turns out.
The morning, the women are still talking about the necklace, because apparently the jewelry makes this all the more real, instead of much less real. They're still waiting to find out who gets to wear the necklace. I mean, "date Jake." The card arrives, and it's Ali, who I liked a lot more before she actually started fucking CRYING when she finds out she gets to go on the date with Jake. "I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world," she tells us. "Come fly with me," is what the card says. What could that possibly be about? Michelle looks much less than impressed, especially as she was the one who went screaming to answer the doorbell and got the card that announced the date. So much for her crazy theory about wearing the diamonds.
Jake says he's really glad the date is Ali, which kind of makes it obvious that he doesn't get to pick which women he gets to date. He calls her "beautiful" and "the complete package." Ali tells us she's ready to go anywhere with Jake. They get on a motorcycle, which Ali tells us was her first real interaction with Jake. WHO SHE WOULD GO ANYWHERE WITH, mind you. Naturally, by "interaction" she just means putting her arms around him and feeling his abs. Jake talks about putting Ali "literally" on cloud nine. They're flying, of course, in a little two-seater (although Jake does boast that he could probably fly anything out there). He must feel at home at an airport, because he needs a hangar to park his ego.
Jake manages to keep his shirt on whilst doing the safety check. And then they get on the air, and Christina worries for a while and then suddenly her proximity to Jake has cured her fear of flying and then OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS YELLING A SONG ABOUT BEING ON 'THE WINGS OF LOVE' SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP and then thank god my eardrums spontaneously ruptured as a last-resort self-preservation measure and I will be using the closed-captioning to recap this mess for the rest of the night. That was an absolutely astonishingly amount of cheese, even for this show.
Jake flies into Palm Springs International Airport and taxis up to a -- what is that, a Studebaker? Ali says she'd love for this to be their life. Yes, because this is how it works, all the time, Ali.
They drive off, and the old-timey swing music starts up while Ali informs us that Palm Springs is a place that A-listers escape to. Maybe they did, until the Z-listers from The Bachelor showed up and ruined everything for everybody. And they drive into the middle of a polo field on some estate somewhere, and Jake takes her hand and they walk up to dinner outdoors and Ali babbles about how not nervous she feels with him, and then she laughs nervously. And then Jake asks about her serious relationships, and either she only dates guys whose names start with J, or she's dated enough guys that she's managed to hit four guys whose names start with J: Jim, Jason, Jerrod, Jordan.
Back at the house, another group date is announced, which will involve Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley E. and Vienna. Michelle, Ella and Tenley are the ones not getting dates. Michelle seems genuinely confused, because she honestly seems to think she's the one Jake's looking for. "I'm just that nice girl that everybody hates," says Michelle. In the house, she runs off, presumably to boil a bunny.
Back at the dinner, Ali squeals after Jake offers her a rose, and then they stare at each other for a moment, and then they start kissing, and you have to think that Jake STILL tastes a little bit like Rozlyn. Jake tells us that he's saved the biggest surprise for last. "The band Chicago, a classic band, is going to play a private concert for Ali and I," Jake tells us. Saying "a classic band" sounds a lot like "I've been ordered to sound like I'm really excited to hear Chicago play" to me.
We're then forced to listen to not only Chicago but also to Ali pretending that not only has she heard of Chicago, she loves Chicago. And Chicago plays for what feels like forever, including "Saturday, In The Park" and "You're The Inspiration" and I defy Jake or Ali to identify one single member of that band. Come to that, I know Peter Cetera is the singer but I can't look at that band and honestly tell you that it's actually Chicago. Some of the band members are clearly younger than the band itself. They all have "you're paying us in cash, right?" looks on their faces. I think the producers could have saved some money and just hired a tribute band. "We're Springfield, a loving tribute to Chicago!"
So it's time for the group date, Fortunately Jake has a "special plan" and he's excited that it's these five girls. I'd love to hear him be pissed about the group: "What a bunch of stiffs!"
So the group date is Six Flags, which has been closed for the day so these selfish assholes can have the place to themselves. "Daddy, can we go to Six Flags today?" "No, dear. It's closed so some bimbos can pretend to fall in love with a narcissistic pilot." Well, that makes sense. Ashley says the gates open and they all started running like five-year-olds. Yeah, the whole intense "look how much fun and outgoing we are" routine is getting old (see also: football game in ball gowns.
Back at the bachelorette pad, Michelle is packing her bags, saying that she's not getting any one on one time, so she's leaving. Christina is telling her not to, because she's enough of a dingbat to forget she's competing against crazy Michelle. There is some talking head with Michelle in which she's clearly been crying, and she's rotten to the bachelorettes who are encouraging to stay and give it another shot, including Rozlyn and Tenley. Rozlyn says maybe Jake already knows he wants to keep Michelle, and then she really oversells it by saying Jake told her exactly that. She's clearly lying, and Michelle may be crazy, but that doesn't mean she's dumb. She says if she were on a date with Jake she wouldn't be talking about any other women (true) and Rozlyn has a smirk on her face. Also true. Rozlyn's left speechless.
Back at the amusement park, Elizabeth pulls Jake away for some one-on-one time, steaming Vienna's broccoli in particular. She got to feel how "stacked" he is, which is all she needs to know that they have more of a connection than he does with the other women. Naturally, the rest of the women have nothing better to talk about than Jake and Elizabeth, who are canoodling over by one of those rigged carnival games. Elizabeth has written Jake a note. She's always "written notes" to explain how she feels. "It's naked and it's natural and it's me." Elizabeth is quite pretty, but I imagine that being naked would expose some of her unnaturalness.
And then instead of giving the note to Jake to read, Elizabeth reads it out loud (probably a request from the producers) and it consists of a long rambling speech about how he shouldn't kiss her unless she's the last one. I'll spare you the details, but will say there's nothing in there that any 12-year-old couldn't have come up while doodling hearts around pictures of Robert Pattinson. Jake tells us he thinks that's pretty sweet because he's an old-fashioned guy, except for the part where he'll kiss anyone of the 25 women that he is auditioning to share the rest of his television career. I mean "life." I'm half surprised that the note doesn't read "Do you like me? Check one: Yes. No."
Jake loves how well the date's going, and he promises the women that he's saving the biggest surprise for last, which presumably will not mean that the cast and crew of this are all arrested and put in jail for life for cultural crimes against humanity.
Oh god, then he tells us that these girls can behave like they're "twelve years old" and it's such a "great sight to see" which we can only hope was intended less creepily than it comes out.
So then Vienna is cuddling up with Jake for some one-on-one time, and she confesses that she was engaged to her pastor's son when she was in high school. And they were together for four years, and she decided she wasn't ready to get married, so she broke it off, and a month later the pastor's son was getting married and having a kid. And so then her response was, at 18, to elope with some other dude, and then she was signing divorce papers four months later.
And she's bawling her eyes out while Ashley comes over with margaritas to starts talking about her PhD and I really want to know what kind of bullshit PhD this idiot is getting. Will her dissertation consist of her saying "like" every third word? Jake's not all that into her, and only kissed her on the cheek. "How could he not want to kiss me?" she says, really brightly. Is she on meth?
And now it's time to give out the rose, and Jake says he's giving it to someone who really opened up, even though he still has a lot of questions and exploring to do. Vienna's pissed, because she really thought crying her eyes out about her failed engagement and marriage at 18 would make Jake like her more. Jake says he thinks Elizabeth is intriguing (read: "she's the hottest one there") and wants to know more about a woman who can resist kissing his studly self.
We all know that it's just a ploy, though. "I am playing so hard to get because that's what I deserve," Elizabeth tells us, whatever that's supposed to mean. Are women STILL reading The Rules? That sounds suspiciously like The Rules.
Then they go off to snuggle after Jake tells the other women that he has a "special surprise" for Elizabeth and he'll see them later. Elizabeth asks him if he wants to kiss her, and he says he does, and she says she wants to too, and it's only when she hesitates that he pretends he's going to respect her decision, and then he starts french-kissing her forehead and then fireworks go off. I guess the fireworks are the surprise, and not his penis. The rest of the psychos in the limousine are pissed off that they didn't get roses as they drive away, bitching about Elizabeth, and the amusement park staff gets overtime to hose off and disinfect the rides.
Cocktail party time. I will say this: this might be one of the better-looking groups of bachelorettes I've seen. Most aren't even cross-eyed! Vienna blathers about people not being here for the right reasons, and Rozlyn tells us she's got a rose, beeyotch! Jake strolls into the room in his suit, and he toasts the women. Jake tells us he has no clue who's going home tonight, because the producers haven't told him yet. I mean, "he hasn't decided yet." He says he's going to follow his heart. At this point, I'll remind everyone that his heart has led him to Rozlyn.
And then Jake brings out a rinky-dink cupcake for Ella, because it's her birthday, and I'd just like to ask how low are a person's standards have to be to make that enough to qualify Jake as an "amazing man." She mentions being on "cloud nine." And they talk about Ella's son, who of course wants to be a pilot. Jake says he's got the little plane, that Ella gave him supposedly on behalf of her son, back at his place.
Then Jake is talking to Tenley and he tells that he thinks she must have had a "good and successful dating history" like WHAT DOES THAT MEAN and she talks about having her share of heartbreaks and in a talking-head she laments the fact that she chickened out of telling him that she was divorced. She looks like she was just about to, and got nervous.
Meanwhile, Michelle is laying out an ultimatum that Jake better come for some one-on-one time with her, otherwise she's leaving at the rose ceremony. She decides she'll probably tell Jake about how she packed her bags, because she doesn't want any of the rest of the hos running their mouths. Jake strolls in, saying hi to everyone, and Michelle gives a humorless "We were just talking about you" line reading to Jake, who takes his cue to pretend like that's why he's here now, to whisk her away for some one on one time, pissing off Vienna, who says Michelle is "Debbie Downer" whenever Jake isn't around but all happy when he is. Hee! All right, I like Vienna a little more.
And then there's Michelle who, if Jake has any kind of brain, is earning her own trip home by confessing that she was already packing her bags because she didn't go on a date. "I don't want you to leave," says Jake, who is doing Michelle no favors by pretending she's got any kind of shot. And in the middle of things, some other dingbat shows up to steal Jake, and Michelle stares her to pieces before allowing Jake to leave. She's clearly about to tell the other woman to take a hike, then thinks better of it.
And then Michelle gets teary-eyed in a talking-head as she talks about how some of the women here are deceitful. "I don't think it's fair to Jake," she says, while she wonders to herself if she brought enough lye to handle ALL the bitches here.
Later, Christina's doing her insecurity thing while getting some alone time with Jake, and the other women are chatting (Michelle is noticeably cheerier after spending time with Jake), and then Chris Harrison comes in. "Rozlyn, can I talk to you outside?" She gets up and goes with him, the other women watching intently. Gia says they were all freaking out and didn't know what was going on.
Outside, Chris Harrison tells Rozlyn that this is something they've never had to deal with in the history of the show. "What's that?" she says, and he says it's very awkward and he's very sorry they have to have this conversation. "I'm guessing you have some idea why I pulled you aside." She says nothing, so he tells her that she "entered into an inappropriate relationship" with one of their staffers, who is no longer working for them as a result. He says they now feel it's impossible for her to form a meaningful relationship with Jake, and he mentions respect for the other women, and the show, etc. "So you think that there's no other girls here that felt for other people before they came on this show?" Harrison points out this is something that happened while she was on this show with someone who works on the show, not a relationship with someone back home.
"I don't think that my personal life is really anybody's business," says the woman who went on a reality show specifically to expose her personal life to a national audience. Harrison tells her that they take this very seriously, and they feel a line was crossed. Harrison says he's not judging her. "Nobody is," he says. Not true! But they have to deal with it. "The bottom line is this: We feel, because of what's happened, it's impossible for you to continue on this show." She nods and says it makes sense, and he tells her she should leave tonight. He tells her, not angrily, to go pack her things (having received a rose, she's not already packed), and there's a van waiting for her. She says it wasn't anything deceitful, just something that happened. She doesn't think it was deceitful?
She walks back through the bachelorette pad, and tells the other women she's leaving. She walks upstairs with the other women completely confused. I mean, half of them thought it was Jake who came in to get her and talk outside, apparently. "No, it was not Jake! We thought it was Jake! But it was Chris!" says Ashley, wide-eyed. Dr. Ashley, potentially. I think the explanation of what happened should use small words and large visual aids.
Rozlyn packs (some burly dude helping her. That wasn't the guy, was it?). Harrison interrupts Jake and Christina so he can talk to Jake.
Harrison hems and haws somewhat as he tells Jake that he needs to know about something that happened. "Don't tell me she's gone," says Jake. Chris uses "entered into an inappropriate relationship" again. Jake's floored. "You're kidding me!" he says. Chris says he felt there was no other decision they could make but to send her home. Harrison then talks about Jake being "dead serious" about this, and Jake asks for his rose back. [This would be the dying rose that the camera keeps panning too? Oh, and also, so called that it was Rozlyn! -- Angel] Chris says yes, because Rozlyn doesn't need to take up a spot that one of these other "fine women" deserve. I love the way Harrison breaks out the bro-speak when he's with the bachelors. Harrison says the other women don't know yet, but he's about to tell them, and then Jake smarmily says he wants to be there so he can let the other "girls" know that he's here "for the right reasons" and blah blah blah.
Jake tells us he wasn't ready for "a big bomb like that to be dropped." He says he's hurt and disappointed and thinks he's been taken for a fool because he didn't see it coming. Poor guy got all caught up on in all the successful relationships that have been formed on this and other dating reality shows over the years. Rozlyn packs. Jesus, how much stuff did she bring? She studiously ignores the camera.
The other women are still peering out the window at Jake and wondering what the hell is going on.
More complaining from Jake about being deceived by someone who says she was there "for the right reasons." The women watch Rozlyn, now changed out of her dress, leaving. Man, they're dragging this out for the whole last half-hour, when they've been teasing it since last week! I'm kind of surprised that this hasn't happened before now. Wait, let me clarify: I'm kind of surprised that this is the first time someone's been caught doing this.
Harrison comes in, Jake beside him, to break the news to the women. "An inappropriate staffer entered into Rozlyn," he says. He tells them that certain lines cannot be crossed, and they're embarrassed about what's happened but they've handled it. The staffer's no longer working on the show, and Rozlyn's been sent home. The women do a good job of hiding their happiness.
Jake says he's not mad, just disappointed, and he pretends to choke back his emotions as he asks any other women who aren't sure about being here to pull him aside and tell him right now. Michelle pretends not to be crazy as she says something about ... oh, I don't know, being there for the right reasons or something. The usual.
Harrison says there will still be a rose ceremony tonight, but obviously the cocktail party is over. Why? So poor Jake can go cry his eyes out? Some of the women are actually crying? Some are pissed that she was taking time away from the rest of them, some are pissed not for themselves, understand, but because poor wittle Jakey-poo was deceived. "He does not deserve to have his heart broken by someone here who is in love with themself more," says Tenley. Ashley says it's scary that someone can lie that much after "three hours prior" is "getting it on" with someone else. Someone has some pretty specific details! Spill it, Ashley!
Jake studies the women's pictures and whines some more about trusting the women who are here, and now he's questioning the other women. He hopes that giving Rozlyn a rose was the only bad decision he's made. Apart from being on two seasons of this show in the first place?
Harrison tries to cheer up the remaining women by telling them there's an extra rose left, and then poor Jakey-Wakey apologizes for being such a sensitive stud and cutting the cocktail party short. He still believes his soul mate is standing with him in the room, even though I think Harrison just stepped outside.
First rose: Vienna. Well, so much for not making any more mistakes. Gia's . Michelle glares at her. Tenley gets the rose, then Ella. Alicia or Phylicia or Valishia whoever's . Did we hear anything at all from her tonight? Then Corrie. Then Jessie? Again, did this person do anything tonight? She's a knockout. Ashleigh H, who is surprisingly not in a bikini, is . Then there's Michelle, who looked like she was praying for a rose. Last rose goes to Kathryn, and Christina looks like she's going to pass out. Ashley can barely keep her lower lip from quivering.
Ashley hugs Jake, and outside she tells us that she thinks Jake is now cautious after what happened with Rozlyn. What that has to do with HER getting sent home is left unexplained. Were she and Rozlyn buddy-buddy or something? That's the only way where maybe her "after what happened with Rozlyn, Jake might not be sure I'm less genuine than ten other women" assertion makes any kind of minor sense at all.
Christina tells us she came her looking for love, and she hears the other women giggling inside and she starts to cry, and says it's hard because she knows for a fact that there other women who aren't there for the right reasons. As usual, I'm torn between being annoyed at supposedly mature women like this who wrap themselves up so much in someone they only know as a collection of pixels on a television screen that they would cry over being rejected by him, and being pissed at this show for making them feel like this is any kind of legitimate shot at finding a husband, and that the amount of money and jewelry showered on you is the best way to judge a relationship.
Jake toasts the rest of the women, saying he knows tonight's rose ceremony was really tough, and there were some disappointing "twists." In what world does someone being on The Bachelor for reasons other than actually getting married constitute a twist?
The credits coda, which typically makes the women seem a lot more charming and funny and nice than that happens before the credits, involves them laughing it up about what kind of animals they'd be in bed, with Tenley calling dibs on "giraffe."
Find out why our vloggers think that Rozlyn was wise to pick a staffer instead of Jake.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland, which is at least a half-hour ahead of the rest of North America, with a wife and a daughter and a shotgun that he's not afraid to use on himself if his daughter ever decides to go on The Bachelor. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.