By Daniel
Chris Harrison comes in to inform the women about what's going on this week: three dates, with roses at the end. But what's different is that this time they have to earn the dates. First competition is a songwriting competition, which apparently sucked big enough when the guys did it for Deanna, so now this show is forcing it on the women. Oh, and they've got 30 minutes to prepare.
Shannon figures she's got an edge, because she watched every single episode of The Bachelorette and knows that Jason wrote a rap song for DeAnna. In other news, Shannon figures she's got an edge if she needs to perform emergency surgery because she's seen every episode of ER. Molly, meanwhile, is writing down some lyrics, the only word I can see being "nuggets." While Stephanie labors under the misapprehension that she's got a very operatic voice, Lauren brags about the ear she has and says her song might sound as professional as what you hear on the radio. Hmm. Well, I do kinda agree that most stuff on the radio took at best an hour to write.
Nikki, however, is despondent, to the point of tears. She's terrified of doing this. "She is a pretty uptight person," Naomi tells us. Nikki admits it's her whole control-freak thing. "I'd rather have a tarantula crawl up my arm than this." That's this afternoon's competition!
Chris comes back in to ask if the women are ready for the competition. Nikki has pulled her shit together enough to at least not be blubbering. Chris asks if they want to meet the judge, like it's going to be Simon Cowell or something. In an interview in which Jason badly needs a shave, he says this was a lot of fun last year, and he wanted to "turn it around on the girls," by which I think he means, "I want viewers to suffer like they did last season."
Molly goes first and uses about three notes to sing a song about how she and Jason go together like nuggets and french fries, except when her first verse is about how she's scared of fast food, that doesn't quite work. Shannon gets up to rap, which is kind of like when your student council president would turn a baseball cap around backwards and "do a rap" to welcome incoming freshmen. I would literally rather listen to Kevin Federline. Her rap name is "Sha Nay Nay." My rap name is much better: Jimmy Joyce (it was an Irish rap group, second only to House of Pain, as far as we ever knew).
Jillian gets up on the table to sing, Stephanie screeches out her "opera" voice, and it's tough to do opera when you're wearing a midriff shirt and hot pink short-shorts. Lauren says in an interview that she decided that all the other women's songs sucked, so when she goes up there declares that her song is different from all of them, and that she wrote a "full-on real song."
Well, I hate to be the one to break it to Lauren, but writing your own crappy trite lyrics and singing it to the tune of Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" doesn't mean you wrote a "real song."
And now it's Nikki's turn, and she introduces the song by making sure everyone knows what a big deal it is for her to do this, and prefaces the song by saying she hopes to sing it to her babies one day. And she sings out a little lullaby that was nowhere near as bad as deserving a complete mental breakdown. I mean, it suffers the same forced rhymes and all-over-the-place rhythm as the rest, but it beats Stephanie, anyway.
So who does Jason pick? After complimenting Nikki and Shannon (for rapping better than he did, which is a little like singing better than William Hung), he picks Molly. Lauren is NOT happy. In an interview, she crabs that this was supposed to be about the best song, which was hers. I'd like to point out a) Your song sucked; b) Jason's the one who decides which song is the best one; and c) even if he had picked yours, I'm pretty sure he would have to take Cyndi Lauper on the one-on-one date. Nikki is similarly cheesed about not being picked, solely because it was so difficult for her to do it. Life's rough, get a helmet, Nikki.
The date card arrives, and it's Shannon who fetches it, and is a little too excited for Molly in a "see what a good sport I am" kind of way, only I literally cannot understand a word she's saying because her voice is so high I don't think my ears can process it at all. The card reads: "Molly, let's stay home at my place tonight. J." Molly looks terrified at first and then gets all excited.
Jason talks about how women expect the outrageous dates with the helicopters and whatnot, but this is more him. Cheap? Melissa says she's jealous because this date is going to be what it's like just hanging out with Jason at home on a Saturday night.
Jason picks Molly up, and all the women are all smiles until they leave, and then they start scowling and speculating and sticking pins in voodoo dolls. A couple of them are eating McDonald's, so maybe they're hoping to get some songwriting inspiration from the same place that inspired Molly.
Jason's got a little candlelight picnic set up at his place, and Molly says this is the perfect date. You know, if I kept the tapes of Bachelor episodes, I'm thinking that every woman on every one-on-one date has called it "perfect," no matter what they did. "He took me to a porno theatre. I thought it was great he was able to open up that side of himself. It was just perfect."
They chat about being in a serious, committed relationship, about having kids, and getting married. You'll never believe this, but Molly does not think Jason's already having a kid will be a problem. "I have to make sure it's not just her eyes I'm attracted to," says Jason.
Back at the house, Naomi gets the doorbell -- it's a date card for the group date. Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa and Naomi. Something about "playing doctor." That leaves Stephanie and Nikki duking it out on the two-on-one date. Nikki tells Stephanie that that makes her want to cry: "I don't want to go against you!" she says, wiping away tears. Oh, god, here comes Niagara Falls again. In an interview she talks about Stephanie's edge, since she's already a mother and has that bond. I think a bigger edge for Stephanie is that she's not crying her damn eyes out all the time.
Meanwhile, back at the cheapskate date, Jason has loaned Molly some of his comfy clothes for another surprise: a campfire and tent in the backyard. "We can make s'mores!" he says. So they drink wine on the back grass [Wine and s'mores? - Z], and then Molly talks for about five hours on how much she likes Jason, and how he's with Ty exactly the way she hopes the father of her children will be. They start kissing, but I think Jason was just trying to shut her up.
He picks up the rose and says he's really enjoying getting to know her. "The more I know, the more I like," he says, and reminisces over all the minutes they've known each other. "But..." he says, but he's just adding that there's more he needs to get to know, and offers her the rose, only she practically has a heart attack over his use of the word "but."
Anyway, she says yes to the rose, and also yes to his casual invitation to camp out in the backyard, and they go in the tent and close the flap, and if they're going to pretend to have sex they could probably do it someplace a little more comfortable.
Back at the house, Shannon, in her bathrobe, notes Molly's suitcase still by the door and says she's going to wait up for her. She's going to be there a long time, as evidenced by us hearing Jason marvel at how soft Molly's skin is. Shannon lies on the couch with Stephanie sitting nearby, wearing more outfits from her Hot Pink I'm Totally Not a Mother In My Thirties collection, until Stephanie decides to head to bed. More kissing and light moaning back at Sex Tent, with Shannon falling asleep on the couch.
The morning, Jason drops Molly off, and she does what used to be known in my college as the Walk of Shame. Molly jokes about that term, too, so I guess we DIDN'T invent it [Oh, heavens no! - Z], and all the women passively aggressively try to get some information, and Molly's purposely cryptic with her, "I didn't get much sleep last night." Shannon in particular can't hide the dismay on her face. Melissa: "I don't like that she smells like him and is wearing his pants right now." So leave. Seriously, leave. Refuse to be a part of this shit!
Jason shows up at the house for his group date. Shannon's excited about the date, because she hopes she comes off better than the rose ceremony, in which she was crying and vomiting. They pile into the limo, with Melissa in an interview saying she's stumped as to what the date's about, with its doctor theme. "Melissa's in need of some medical care by Dr. Mesnick, please," she fake announces into an intercom. Hee.
So everyone drinks wine in the limo. "Here's to playing doctor," says Jason, and then the limousine pulls up on the set of General Hospital. Hey, you guys are chicks, so you like soap operas, right? Of course, plenty of the women are beyond excited about it. So then the nimrods wander around the set and think that they're coming across an actual live set with a scene being recorded with a couple of people named Kirsten and Bradford who interrupt their "live" scene to welcome the starstruck women.
So the women are all going to work on scenes, like in costume and makeup, the whole thing. It's too insipid for words. Jillian gets a huge blond wig, and Naomi gets a maid costume. "I don't get a name, I'm just 'maid' because I'm a whore," she says. "I have a crush on Jason. I will go pretty far to get Jason," says Shannon. I think she might be talking about the character she's playing for this ridiculous cross-promotion, but I don't think anyone watching this has any doubt that Shannon would commit murder for Jason. It doesn't help that she's holding a prop knife.
So Jason's playing a doctor, and then somehow Shannon weasels in to kiss Jason, but the screen kiss rule is "no tongue," and in an interview she says, "I kissed Jason! I kissed him!" like we're all supposed to be excited for her and not actually nauseous.
After a commercial break that features an ad for General Hospital, the longer, more annoying General Hospital ad resumes on The Bachelor. Jason's not kidding when he calls himself the "world's worst actor," but he's facing stiff competition from Lauren, and the "director" of this scene, who pretends like this is serious. The other women seem to get annoyed at the amount of kissing Naomi gets to do. Lauren, who doesn't have a kissing scene, says it's annoying that her "future husband is kissing all these girls." Jillian's scene involves her character Dominique getting a proposal. And then some kissing. Shannon retreats into her own little world where she tells herself it's all fake, and all the times she's scribbled "Jason and Shannon" on her Note Tote will come true for really. This date is supposed to be the wacky hijinks portion of the episode, only as usual it makes me despair for all mankind.
Back at the house, Nikki and Stephanie are sunning and talking about their upcoming date, and then we get a painful interview with Nikki where she talks about her one relationship and how there's resentment there because she should have been a mom by now, and she starts to cry again, and I'm getting fairly confident that we're only going to have to listen to her crying for another hour and fifteen minutes or so.
Oh, god, we're STILL at General Goddamn Motherfucking Hospital, and now Megan gets a kissing scene with Jason, and she feels completely uninhibited and like a seductress thanks to the teddy she's wearing, and she practically sucks half his face off and ignores the director yelling cut. Somewhere in the back, Shannon is probably murdering people in blind rage. Melissa talks about how hard it was to watch Jason make out with everybody, and tells Megan, in that "pretending to be friendly banter" way, that that wasn't acting but her taking advantage of an opportunity. Megan's all, damn right, and says she hasn't kissed anybody in a really long time. That would be because she's usually too busy being thanked by people who are so grateful she's in their lives, I imagine.
So afterwards we're going to a "Hollywood wrap party," and just as you're wondering who in the hell has time to hang out with the bachelor and his idiot women, we find out that it's only them there, with Jason lamely explaining that this is the kind of place actors might come to have a wrap party.
But some party. Melissa says everyone's kind of tense, and there's Naomi sitting all by herself. She complains that earlier she was having fun with Jason (read: "I was kissing him") but then it wasn't as much later (read: "other women were kissing him"). So we're getting into that part of the season where the women miraculously figure out that it's tough to be in love with someone who dates and kisses other women. [And has sex with them in a tent. - Z] Yes, it happens every season, and every time I could not have less sympathy for anyone who agrees to be on this show. "It makes it feel less special," says Naomi.
Of course, the real reason for Naomi sulking is so Jason will come over and talk to her. So here we go again with "it just feels real now" talk, where the women pretend they didn't expect to fall in love, and surprise! They're falling in love! Jason blathers on that she's the one person he'll always want the best for, whether they'll be together or not, and they'll always be in each others' "lifes."
Then Melissa's prattling on to Megan, and there's Shannon whining about how tough this is, and there's Shannon stalking Jason, and there's Megan telling the women (via the cameraman) to "man up." She says she was having a great time. "I was, like, in love with kissing him." And also the sound of her own voice, don't forget.
Megan sits down for some one-on-one time with Jason, and she makes fun of the other women complaining about how hard this is. "We're on a rooftop. This is beautiful." Jason tells her that she's "such a great person," which she must be used to, and she kind of pouts around looking for a kiss, but she doesn't get it.
Lauren now, who says she's just being herself when she orders Jason to get rid of other women. "I think he likes being bossed around. Some people like to be dominated." They sit and chat and she basically orders him to give her a rose. She's a little drunk. In an interview, she says she doesn't think the girl who cries should get the rose, but the one who's blunt and honest. I don't understand people who think saying awful things is OK because they're being open and honest. If you're shallow, stupid or racist, for example, is honesty really the best policy? "If he gives the rose to anyone but me, I will be pissed," she says. By which she means angry, not drunk. Although she'll probably be both.
"Usually, wrap parties are a blast," says Jason. Well, he would know! Now it's time to talk to Melissa, who needs a hug because she's crying so much. "Today proved to me that I really do care about you," she says. "Apparently I've fallen for you," she says. And they make out. "I've only been unlucky in love," she says in an interview. Aw. Despite the crying, I like Melissa.
Shannon? Not so much. She creepily sneaks up on Jason and Melissa to say that whenever he's done she needs to talk to him.
Eventually, when they settle down to talk, Shannon talks about difficult this is, even though all her friends and family told her that she had the best personality for this show and was going to do great. Then she talks about how she's frozen up and put up this wall. Hee! I always love it when a woman on this show THROWS herself at the bachelor, and when he's not into her she starts blaming herself and the "walls" she put up. "I'm not letting you let me go," she says, and babbles for half an hour, and Jason has a look on his face like he's wondering who farted. This show's not even going to pretend that Shannon's sticking around, because in his interview, Jason says he just felt "sad" listening to Shannon. While sitting with her, though, he does his best to put her at ease. She goes in for a kiss and gets a perfunctory smack, and despite her best come-hither eyes-closed head tilt, that's all she's getting. "I feel like he kind of rejected my kiss," she says in an interview. It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again, Shannon.
Back at the house, Molly goes to get the card for the two-on-one date. "Let's dance the night away," she reads to Stephanie and Nikki. Stephanie gets excited, while Nikki says, "That's your thing, not mine." What IS your thing, Nikki? Singing's not your thing. Dancing's not your thing. Keeping your tear ducts dry for longer than ten minutes at a stretch is not your thing. God! "There's only one rose. One stays, one goes," continues Molly. Nikki makes a face about having to decide what to wear. I'm guessing that "deciding what to wear" is just not her thing.
Time to give out the rose at the group date. In a voiceover, Jason tells us for what seems like the millionth time that he's not there to hurt anybody. And he talks to the women about how he's been there before. "All I can tell everybody is that it's worth it," he tells them. How so? He got rejected! Remember? Anyway, the rose goes to Naomi, which means that you can get away with sulking in a corner if you kind of look like Eva Mendes and look good in a maid's outfit. Well, that's true.
Lauren sing-songs, "I feel like an idiot!" She shrugs off Jason's selection, because if he wants to be with someone who's off and crying in the bathroom every five minutes... In other news, Megan made it to the 1:05 mark of the episode before dropping an F-bomb in an interview. Naomi, in a surprise twist, tells us she was happy to get the rose.
So Stephanie and Nikki get ready for their date, and are coincidentally getting dressed when someone rings the doorbell and has left a couple of dresses by Alberta Malkali for them to wear, because "every princess deserves a gown for the ball," according to the card, which doesn't explain why every princess doesn't get her own prince. Or, in this case, Jason.
There is entirely too much rehashing of what happens on a two-on-one date. Are we all clear? Everyone realize that one woman gets a rose, the other goes home? I mean, if you're so stuck for video that you include Stephanie obviousing that getting a rose is crucial "because it determines the fate of staying here," then maybe we could chop this show down to an hour, huh?
The two women look really nice, with Stephanie looking much less harsh than she did in the initial episode or two. However, she expresses some insecurity over how beautiful Nikki is, and that she thinks Jason likes dark hair and dark eyes.
So Jason rolls up in a Rolls-Royce or Bentley or whatever, and, as usual, the women all happily send the trio off on their date, and then start scowling and tossing back their omnipresent drinks as soon as they leave. "The farther along this process goes, it's hard," says Shannon.
Jason talks about how he was taken with Nikki right away, but she stays in the box. "I don't," he says. Then he touts Stephanie's qualities: fun, loves life, great mom. "But I need to make sure there's a romantic connection there."
They pull up to a restaurant with a patio draped in lights. In an interview, Stephanie calls Nikki a third wheel. Anyway, before dinner, there will be dancing, which involves a dance lesson by a Deborah who prattles on about how beautiful the waltz is. Nikki doesn't do too badly, despite her reticence, and at least she's able to smile when she's uncomfortable, unlike, say, Shannon. But where Nikki is nervous, Stephanie is self-assured, because she already knows how to waltz, and she and Jason glide effortlessly over the patio. Nikki takes it in, and in an interview calls herself a third wheel. The date then turns into a cut-in festival, with each woman interrupting the dance to take a turn. Stephanie says she would have just planted one on Jason, but didn't want to with Nikki there. She might not have felt so bad, mind, if she heard Nikki's theory, which is that she wanted one-on-one time with Jason, which Stephanie already had. Oh, and also? "She already had a man. She married him, had his daughter, and sadly, he died. I want my turn." Yeah, step aside, Stephanie. You HAD your chance.
Back at the house, the women speculate as to who's coming home. Jillian confidently says Stephanie's coming back, but Megan says if Jason's just friends with Stephanie, he'll probably send her home to be with Sofia. Then Megan gets a "premonition": maybe he's sending them both home! Given that we haven't been bombarded with scenes promising "the most shocking two-on-one date ever!" means that that's not going to happen.
The dancing's over, so let the dinner begin. Jason says "both these girls have amazing qualities," so this is going to be hard. At the dinner, he asks the women how much of a problem it would be to move to Seattle (I guess that's a given, then, Jason?). Nikki instantly says "not very" and explains that it's just her she answers to, and doesn't have to worry about anyone else. She might as well add something like, "I don't have any cemeteries in my hometown where my kid's father is buried that I need to visit or anything" for how obviously this is directed at Stephanie, who, for her part, blithely says she would be wherever her man is. "How about the future," says Jason, and Nikki says, "The future is wide open," and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU IDIOTS ARE TALKING ABOUT AT ALL. She talks about her 11-year relationship, which Jason says in an interview that he didn't know anything about until that night. They sit down for a chat and Nikki reveals that she and her ex were high-school sweethearts and were together from when she was 17 until she was 28, and then he woke up one morning and said, "I love you so much, but I don't want to marry you." She got sick she was so heartbroken, and she's only gone on a couple of dates since. She oddly seems a little more relaxed than you'd think, pouring herself out like this.
So I guess Stephanie's been twiddling her thumbs this whole time, but she gets her chance now, and she goes on about how she's so grateful to be there and she's very attracted to Jason. In an interview, she says she really wants that kiss. I am really starting to get unnerved by how all the women on this show speak about "the kiss," like it's some kind of immortality-granting magical potion. [Maybe it's like the Dementor's kiss from Harry Potter, and they hope to steal his soul? - Z]
After more pointless speculation from the women back at the house, and more pointless platitudes from Jason in voiceover. Really? It's "important that the rose go to the right person tonight"? I mean, it's not really important, but it's pretty clear that, within the context of this show, it's important.
Anyway, he talks about how they're "two of the most amazing people I could come across." He says Steph has "a heart of gold." And Nikki "is as sweet as can be." But the rose is going to Stephanie, who graciously nods without too much obvious glee. Nikki puts her head down, and then looks up again for a little smile at Stephanie, who gives her a sincere, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry" look.
Jason walks Nikki to the limousine. She smiles and thanks him. Gracious in defeat. I hope Natalie is watching and taking notes. "Whoever gets you is super-duper lucky," she tells Jason.
Poor Nikki. I start to feel bad for her in the limousine, because she's so messed up by having an 11-year relationship end that she doesn't get that there needs to be more than looks and brains. She seems sweet enough that I hope she does figure things out soon.
Back at the house, the hooded bellhop of rejection comes in to pick up Nikki's things. "Oh my god, you guys," says Shannon, while the women watch, as somber as a movie theatre showing Schindler's List, for god's sake.
In the limousine, Nikki says, "I have having my pity party and saying it's not fair, but it's not fair." It's not fair why? Because she imagined herself meeting Ty and Jason's mom. You're right! It's not fair! She talks about how she does everything right and she's always rejected. Well, no. You were rejected once. By someone who sounds like a douche. And being rejected by a television douche on The Bachelor doesn't qualify as a rejection as much as a mercy killing, so don't sweat it.
Jason goes back to Stephanie, and they dance the evening away. "I just want to kiss you," she tells him as they waltz. And before you know it, they lip-lock. Nikki's ziti probably isn't even cold.
So the women are talking about Nikki not being there, and... oh, hold on, Melissa uses the word "surreal." So I'm going to fast-forward now. Oh, hold on. Megan is saying that "as this goes further along, the pressure increases literally 300 to 400 percent daily." Ah, "literally." When you use it wrong, you use it all the way wrong, as David Cross likes to say. Anyway, all the concerns vanish when Jason walks in to pay his usual lip service to how hard the night was, but tonight's all about partying.
Jillian points out that this is the first time she's gone into a rose ceremony without already having a rose, so she's just going to try to stay positive. She sits down with Jason and talks about how when she's with him she thinks of him as "Jason" but when he's with someone else he's just "Dude," and she's completely lost me.
And then he's sitting down with Melissa, who apologizes for losing her shit the other night, and then she starts talking about the little things she notices, like the freckle on his eye or the mysterious hole in his ear that she wants to get at the bottom of. Then they kiss, and she uses the phrase "Melissa Mesnick" in an interview.
Then there's Megan talking to the other women about how nervous she is, and then in an interview she says she's best-suited for Jason, but she's not sure he sees that. Isn't it kind of crucial that he sees that? Shouldn't that be part of the "best-suited" part? They have a good laugh over the stupid General Hospital shenanigans, which I'd already managed to repress. Then they're waltzing for whatever reason, and I was kind of hoping Megan in the interview would say, "I fucking loved dancing the fucking waltz with him."
Jason sits down between Shannon and Lauren. Lauren has decided that she needs to be even BOSSIER with Jason after he didn't follow her orders the other night to give her a rose, so things get decidedly uncomfortable when, while Jason and Shannon discuss fake-slapping on the soap opera set, Lauren says she's going to slap him for real, for not following her instructions. In an interview, Jason says, "Lauren gives me crap a lot. She really does." Bye-bye Lauren! He pulls her aside to find out what's up.
She gives him crap about not following orders, at least until she finally figures out that he doesn't appreciate being told what to do any more than, you know, ANYBODY does, and tries to play it off like her being funny and crazy. And they kiss for a little bit, but you know what? Sometimes the kamikaze pilot can't pull up in time.
Yeah! It's the best part of the show! Elimination time! Chris tells the women that there's a lot on the line or whatever. But don't worry: Jason appreciates what you're going through!
Three roses to hand out. "This has been another amazing week," says Jason. Amazing in the sense that this show is still on, he means. First rose: Melisssa. Yay! Second rose: Jillian: Yay! So just one rose to give out between Megan, Shannon and Lauren. Jason looks them over, picks up the rose. Shannon smiles at him. Then he sighs and says, "I'm sorry. I can't do this." He puts the rose back on the table. "I can't give out this final rose." Lauren can hardly believe it. "Megan, you are amazing. You give, and your view on the world is unbelievable. And Lauren, you are more honest and real than almost anybody I've ever met. And Shannon, you are just a beautiful person." But he says he can't lead anyone on, and he doesn't see "forever," so he can't give out the final rose tonight.
Chris comes out to tell the women to say their goodbyes. "I respect your honesty," Lauren tells Jason, hugging him, then outside reveals that she wasn't being honest herself in saying that. She doesn't think it's fair that Jason "changed the rules." Like, this is The Bachelor, not the Geneva Convention, you idiot. In other words, you would have preferred to be kept on even if Jason knew he didn't want you around. Her ego is what's unbelievable, given she assumes that he would have kept her over Megan and Shannon.
Speaking of Shannon, she is surprisingly sanguine about her ouster. She says Jason seemed like the perfect man, and she was hoping there would be a connection, but there wasn't. She doesn't even cry! She seems nice and normal. Well, except for the part where she talks about going home and french-kissing her puppy. You know, I have a dog. She kisses me. She uses tongue. That's what dogs do. But my tongue? STAYS IN MY FUCKING MOUTH.
Megan also felt the last rose was for her. She was "shocked and surprised." She says she's hurt and confused. "Jason is a fantastic man. It's pathetic how much I don't want to go home right now." She sneaks off-camera to sniffle. Like Shannon, much less annoying than you'd think she'd be in defeat.
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