By Shack
Previously: Everybody sucked. Are we all caught up now? Tonight: Chris will say some things. Then Aaron will say them again. And then one of the bachelorettes will say them, too. And then Aaron will say something he said earlier. And then Chris will, too. And then Aaron will say the same damned things he's said every episode so far. And then Chris will, too. The end.
Oh, fine.
Tonight, the four remaining bachelorettes move out of the Malibu Dream House and then arrange to bring Aaron to their hometowns to meet the families. Brooke scarily narrates that moving out allows each of the bachelorettes to "focus on Aaron, rather than each other." I can't even begin to explain how psychologically unhealthy both parts of that statement is. We see clips of the families. We see that threat by a relative of Brooke's to have some Marine beat Aaron up if he hurts her. Chris narrates, "In less than two weeks, Aaron could propose to any one of [the women]." Yeah, "could." I would treat that "could" similar to the one you might find in, "You could launch bottle rockets out of your ass. But unless you're Steve-o, you probably won't." (Yes, I saw Jackass: The Movie. Shut up.)
Aaron narrates to us that he's going to these four hometowns to meet the bachelorettes' families. See? See? He says that this is "serious," because these families may "meet [him] once, and then they may never see [him] again." What is he even saying? How is that serious? God, that sounds like a threat. Like, "They better treat me right, or I'm gonna dump their little girl." And considering how the rose ceremony goes, it may very well be exactly what he means.
At the Malibu Dream House, the women are all loaded into limousines, as Chris Harrison stands around, trying to be relevant. Say goodbye to the Malibu Dream House. Of course, they're going to keep coming back for the rose ceremony, so it's still around, but now strangely pointless. It's not like they're going to get to keep the house after it's over. See 'N Say Aaron spouts out that these visits are very important and that he has a huge decision to make.
First up is a trip to Buffalo, NY, to meet Gwen's family. They don't even go to the family home. At least somebody on this show values privacy. Instead, Aaron meets up with Gwen at some restaurant/club called Bijou. She's wearing a tiny red dress, by the way. Because Aaron goes for the red. I bet the women all went out and bought new red clothes just for him. Gwen introduces Aaron to her parents, Marie and Phil; her sister, Mary Beth; and her best friend, Lisa. Gwen has definitely inherited that forehead of hers from her mother. Genetics is a harsh mistress. Just ask my nose. I have yet to find a single pair of sunglasses that I can wear without looking like an insect.
Anyway, they all sit down at a table, and Aaron invites them all to ask any questions they might have. Mom pulls out a list of questions that she has written out. Gwen then explains to us that Mom pulled out a list of questions. She says she was shocked, and that her "mouth dropped to the floor." I'm sure she started feeling more comfortable when her mother began reading the questions out, because they're all softballs like "Do you have time in your life for another full-time job? That of a husband?" Aaron gives a blathering response indicating that he's ready to get married. For some reason, Mom's and Dad's accents sound more like they're from Minnesota than from Buffalo. I've only known one person from Buffalo, though, so that might be how they all sound. Mom points out that Aaron's a "little young" to be settling down. He's twenty-eight, not nineteen. Even if he acts like he's nineteen. Aaron says that he's not looking to "settle down" in the traditional sense. He expects that he and his wife will a lead a life full of travel and adventure. Those bankers with their journeyman ways. Aren't they so romantic? Mom asks if Aaron travels. He brings up his semester in Italy. Lisa asks if Aaron speaks Italian. Aaron starts to say yes, but then asks Lisa if she speaks Italian. She says no and everybody laughs and the question is forgotten. He so doesn't speak a word of Italian. Mom asks Aaron if he thinks he's an "ethical person." What sort of question is that? Who is going to answer that question in the negative? Aaron says that the banking industry is "ridiculously scrutinized," and that if they weren't ethical, their bank probably wouldn't still be around. I have to give Aaron credit for saying that while maintaining a straight face the entire time. I'm not casting aspersions on the banks Aaron's family own. I imagine they're just fine. But I couldn't possibly attempt to link the banking industry as a whole with good ethics without adding "just kidding" at the end. ["Plus, speaking as someone who puts money in a bank, I don't think the high degree of scrutiny to which banks are subjected is especially 'ridiculous,' AARON." -- Wing Chun]
Mom seems to be happy with Aaron's softball answers to her softball questions. Her last question is, "What makes you think you're a desirable potential husband?" Everybody starts laughing, like this is the most ridiculous question. Like, isn't it obvious? He's got a nice smile. And he has a plane! And a boat! And he's an executive. Of course he's husband material. Again, tellingly, we don't hear Aaron's response to the question. Instead, Mom tells us that Aaron is a very personable, charismatic young man. I'd like to thank George W. Bush for lowering the bar for what counts as "charismatic" these days. Apparently, you can talk like your mouth is full of marbles and say the same thing over and over again and never actually answer anybody's questions, but as long as you have a nice smile, people think you're charismatic. The best that Dad has to say about Aaron is that he seems like a "nice young man" and that he can see Gwen walking down the aisle with Aaron. It's all very bland. The personality vacuum at the table sucks the ugly vertical blinds off the window to them.
So after that lunch meeting, Aaron and Gwen take a limo out to Niagara Falls. Gwen expresses surprise about the whole list of questions. What exactly was she expecting from them? I find it fascinating that she didn't expect her parents to have a lot of questions for Aaron. She wonders if Aaron's mother would have a lot of questions for her. Well, as long as you set goals and meet them, Aaron's mom will think you're the greatest.
Gwen explains to us that they went to Niagara Falls, just in case that giant waterfall in the background confused you. The show, of course, arranged that the two of them got to look from an observation deck alone. Whereas, when I visited the Falls, I was surrounded by hundreds of tourists snapping and jabbering away, which sort of interferes with any attempt to quietly enjoy the grandeur. I wanted to push this one guy who kept making "Watch that first step" jokes over the edge to shut him up, but without Dad, I wouldn't have been able to pay for the hotel room. Aaron wraps his arm around Gwen's waist as she explains to him that the Horseshoe Falls are named as such because they're shaped like a horseshoe. They hold hands. They kiss chastely. Gwen tells us that she "really likes Aaron a lot" and that her heart was racing and that she feels more connected to him. They kiss some more. Gwen starts to tear up a little bit as she explains that she never thought she'd feel that way about somebody she's been dating for only a few weeks. She concludes that it's worth it to put her heart on the line. "That's what life is all about," she says. So bland. Can you imagine what their children would be like? I hope they rebel by becoming cross-dressing, socialist, Goth skate punks.
Aaron tells us that he had a lot of fun with Gwen and adds, "She could be the one," in a "hey, you never know!" tone of voice. He concludes that the other three women have "a lot to live up to." Uck.
Commercials. We return to Philadelphia. Look there's that statue that spells out, "Love." Like this show! It's all about love! Aaron's there to meet with Helene for the family gathering. Aarrrrgh! Aaron explains to us that he just met with Gwen's parents. We were there! Jesus! He continues on to explain to us that he's here to meet Helene's family. We've picked up on that. You're hugging Helene right now. Look! There you are right now! In Philadelphia with Helene! It's not like you and Helene have decided to get together to go meet Brooke's family or something. Jeez. Aaron explains to us that he hopes meeting Helene's family will "shed a light" on why Helene presents such a "challenge" for him. Yeah, there must be something weird going on with her family. I mean, it's not normal for a woman to have high expectations for a potential romantic interest or anything, is it?
Helene and Aaron drive around in the limo, as Helene excitedly points things out. Aaron tells us that Helene is excited to be home. It turns out that Helene doesn't actually live in Philadelphia at all, but across the river in Gloucester City, New Jersey. Aaron says it makes him feel good to see Helene excited about coming home. Obviously, the producers or whoever are just telling Aaron to say something so they can use it as narration. It doesn't matter if it's obvious or stupid. It's probably cheaper than paying Chris to say stuff.
Helene shows Aaron around the edge of the river, so that the cameras can get pretty water shots. Aaron asks her what she thinks her parents are thinking about this. We'll find out if the two of you quit blathering on and go meet them already. Jeez. Helene says she doesn't know. Well, go find out! You're wasting time. See 'N Say Aaron says that things are starting to get serious. Yes, we know! Do I have to drive the two of them over myself? Let's get moving, already. Oh-so-suave Aaron tells Helene, "Just, it's not like, just, like, every day, that I'm gonna get to meet, you know, people like yourself, I mean, you know, going to a restaurant or out like this, you know. You got a lot going for you. A lot." Why, that velvet-tongued devil! They kiss. Helene and Aaron tell each other that they missed each other.
Finally, Helene and Aaron get back into the limo to go visit Helene's family. Aaron explains to us that they got back into the limo to go visit Helene's family. In the limo, Aaron compliments Helene's very boring outfit -- a black, sleeveless shirt and khakis. I imagine the pants highlighted Helene's ass for Aaron to gawk at. She accuses him of "laying it on a little thick." How is a bland compliment about clothes "laying it on a little thick"? Ah, I see. Helene wonders out loud if Aaron is giving similar comments to the other women, and if he's really serious about his feelings for her. Aaron stares at the window of the limo, wondering if the vehicle's moving slowly enough for him to jump out and run away without getting hurt. Aaron says that he is taking it seriously, and that Helene will just have to trust him. Helene says that she can't trust him yet. I think Helene's right to a certain extent, but her passive-aggressive approach to wringing answers out of Aaron, and her fake laughs, annoy me to no end. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that, of the ladies left, Helene is the "most difficult" and presents the "biggest challenge." He says she always has the tough questions for him. She does, but you never answer them anyway, so what's the big deal? Aaron tells us that if her family's like Helene, it's going to be a "rough day."
Aaron and Helene arrive at some cookie-cutter, two-story home that belongs to one of Helene's brothers. Helene brings Aaron in and starts introducing him to various family members. Helene's sister-in-law is a big copper mold collector. They're all over the kitchen walls. It's practically a copper mold museum. Helene introduces Aaron to her family; then to her three brothers, Ed, Joe, Henry; and to her sister-in-law, Leona. Then she explains to us that she introduced Aaron to her three brothers and sister-in-law.
They all head out to the backyard for a barbecue. The "inquisition" begins. These guys really aren't much tougher than Gwen's family. I think they just want to make sure Aaron's not a serial killer, and that's about it. They ask whether Aaron has a house. He has a condo. They ask him if he sees himself doing something different in five to ten years. Nope. Aaron's happy riding on the family's coattails. Does he work a lot? He claims that he works about fifty hours a week. Golf with clients doesn't count as "work," Aaron. Leona asks if Aaron thinks he and Helene are compatible. Aaron says that they're both obviously "outgoing" and "adventurous" or else they wouldn't have been on the show together. Those are adjectives that the producers used in the first episode, by the way, so I have doubts that Aaron came up with those diplomatic synonyms for "desperate" and "exhibitionistic" on his own. Aaron insists to us that these questions are putting him on "the hot seat." Oh, if he only knew what was to come. Aaron marvels over the fact that Helene's parents have been together forty years. Helene tells us that she hopes that Aaron sees that those little jabs and jokes she tosses out are a part of the way her family behaves, and that he understands that this means she's comfortable around him.
Aaron offers to refresh Helene's drink so that they can all talk behind his back. After he leaves, she asks the others what they think. Everybody thinks Aaron is okay. Dad says, "He's all right." Try not to gush too much. Aaron must be deadly dull. Joe tells Helene that the most important thing is that she's happy. Helene says she's happy with Aaron, but points out that he's the one who gets to make all the decisions, not her. Yeah, you know, even taking away all the desperation and camera whoring and creepy behavior, the thing that annoys me most about this show -- and other similar dating reality shows -- is that imbalance of power in this alleged romantic situation. Anyway, Aaron returns and they all make jokes about whether or not they were saying bad things about Aaron. Ed then reveals that he hasn't seen Helene this happy in a long time. That's rather sad.
Time's up for this family gathering. As Aaron and Helene say their goodbyes, Ed tells us that Aaron's an okay guy and that he could see him fitting into the family. Leona says that perhaps Helene is falling just a little bit too hard for Aaron; she worries that Helene will be hurt if she isn't chosen. Helene repeats for us that she is indeed falling for Aaron and that they have "chemistry." See 'N Say Aaron tells us that he's getting to know the women better and that all of this is really tough. Aaron and Helene kiss goodbye.
Commercials. We return to Albertville, Alabama. There's a shot of a Baptist church, because it's the South, y'all. See 'N Say Aaron says he "never imagined being as impressed with these families as [he] has been." What the hell was he expecting? And what was he impressed with? That they were all genial and dull, just like him? He recaps the first half of the episode for us in this very annoying voice of constant surprise. Clearly, he must have thought Gwen's family sold babies on the black market and Helene's family performed black magic ceremonies in their basement to summon demons. That's the only way Aaron's shocked tone of voice makes any sense. So now he explains that he's in Alabama to meet Brooke's family. He sits on a dock on some lake or river and feeds ducks. He tells us that he's heard some "interesting" things about Brooke's family and wonders if meeting them will change his opinion of her. I thought his opinion of Brooke was that she's a hot little blonde chick that will probably put out. Does the family even matter?
Brooke tells us that when she saw Aaron sitting out on the pier, she thought he looked handsome and it caused her heart to start racing. These women all seem to have heart conditions of some sort. She comes out to join Aaron, who gives her a single yellow rose. They hug and say they missed each other. Aaron tells us that when he sees Brooke, he's always surprised "in a good way." He calls her a typical Southern Belle, and adds that she's a "bombshell." Essentially, he's saying that whenever he sees her, it makes him horny.
Aaron and Brooke head off in the limo, and twangy music plays. Aaron asks Brooke what Albertville is known for. He was totally fed that line so that Brooke can explain that Albertville is the "fire hydrant capital of the world." I assume that means they manufacture fire hydrants in Albertville, and not that they actually have more fire hydrants on the streets that anywhere else on earth. There's a shot of a statue commemorating Albertville's fire hydrant market domination. It's a statue of a fire hydrant. Aaron urges Brooke to exposit her family background for us. She makes no mention of jailbird dad, but explains that her mom remarried about eight years ago, and that she "inherited" this new family that she just adores. Apparently, that "pride" that Brooke allegedly has for her imprisoned father has some limits; she says that she refers to John David, her stepdad, as "Dad."
The limo pulls up to the home of Brooke's aunt and uncle. It's a pretty nice red brick affair with a sort of colonial look to it. It looks relatively new, though, or else they keep it in really, really good shape. Aaron meets Brooke's mom (Sharron) and stepdad, then aunt (Dot) and uncle (Randy), and various other friends and family members. Every single woman is blonde. Dot and Randy blather on about how Randy told Dot when they first met that he was going to marry her. And then she got a restraining order. No, that's not true; five months later they were married. They've been together nearly forty years. Dot tells us that she sees that same "glow" in Brooke that she saw in herself when she first fell for Randy. Everybody agrees that Brooke looks happy. Randy asks Aaron if he's into NASCAR. Aaron says he's not. Randy says that if you get into NASCAR, it's like "a fine wine. Once you taste the fine wine, you don't want the $3 stuff." What exactly would the $3 wine equivalent of car racing be -- watching your kid's soapbox derby? And you've got to love the editors for including this comment just to make Brooke's family look trashy, even though it looks like they've got more money than any of the other bachelorettes. They're trying to make them look like the Clampetts. I guess that would make Aaron a good addition, because he's such a total Jethro, but that would mean he's marrying his sister. You can insert your own inbreeding joke here.
John David reveals to Aaron that they were all fans of The Bachelor last season, and that it was Brooke's own mom who suggested that she call in to try to get on the show. I believe I recall suggesting a couple of weeks ago that a family's support of their child trying to win a contest to land a husband would be far worse than their rejection. I'm glad to see that I'm right. Mom tells us that Brooke has a lot to offer a husband, like good looks, good looks, good looks, good looks, and nice breasts. So she encouraged Brooke to apply to be on the show.
For Aaron's visit, the family has set up a big, fancy Southern buffet. Oh, how I miss Southern food. I don't, however, miss the fifteen pounds I gained from eating Southern food while I lived in South Carolina. Partly because I'm still trying to get rid of them three years later. The family members (and Aaron) all say grace before eating, because it's the South, y'all. John David thanks Jesus for Aaron and Brooke and asks him to help them "endure" what they're going through. He gives a little laugh, so I don't think he's serious about this prayer. Thank Jesus for that as well. Man, there are flowers on every flat surface and in all the wallpaper patterns. My sinuses are acting up just from watching.
During the conversation, John David points out that if this little competition goes "100& 'our way'" -- yes, that's actually how he describes it, like the whole family is in a competition to get Brooke married off -- then they're going to "lose" Brooke, because she'll leave Alabama. Aaron deigns to give a direct answer this time and says that he does have obligations to his family in Missouri. But he'll try to compromise. Jeez, they're treating Brooke like she's a child in a divorce hearing. Mom and Dad will get Brooke one weekend a month, and then she gets to stay with them over the summer. Is he going to lock her into the condo? If he's from this rich family and he's got his own plane, they can all come visit whenever the hell they want. Mom asks if Aaron has feelings for Brooke. Aaron gives some long-winded cagey answer, of course, because he can't exactly commit to any of the women yet, but doesn't want to end up being called a liar. Mom says that they're taking Aaron's visit very seriously. Yeah, we can tell. It's a little scary how serious they're taking this. I think they're more interested in Aaron than Brooke is.
In an interview, Mom says, "Oh. My. God. What have I gotten my child into?" That's a quote they've been using in the previews, like Mom's horrified that Brooke's on the show. But of course, as she continues to talk, it's not what it seems: Mom explains that she's afraid that Brooke is going to get her heart broken if Aaron doesn't eventually pick her. Back at the table, JohnDavid (that's what they're always calling him, like it's all one word) says that family is important to them. He explains that he has another brother, a Marine in South Carolina. JohnDavid threatens, "If yew hurt Brooke, he's gonna kill yew." There's silence for a couple of seconds, so the editors can cleanly clip out that quote to use in the previews as well, and then everybody starts laughing. Brooke tells us all what JohnDavid just said, in case we didn't catch it, even though they've shown the damn quote before every single commercial break.
Now it's off to visit Brooke's parents at their home. I have this image in my head of Brooke dragging Aaron all around Albertville, introducing him to everybody. Along the way, Brooke tells Aaron that the real test of how her parents feel about him will be if JohnDavid shows him the "'Bama Room."
Brooke and Aaron arrive at the parents' home. It's a lot more modest than Dot and Randy's place. Brooke explains to us that there's one room that Mom isn't allowed to touch -- that's the Alabama Room. Essentially, the room is a huge shrine to the University of Alabama, all things Crimson Tide, and their elephantine mascot. (There's something vaguely gory and creepy about the name "Crimson Tide." It always makes me think of the elevator scene from The Shining.) Although huge displays of college sports memorabilia are hardly unique (and not just in the South), what separates the 'Bama Room from those lesser shrines is that JohnDavid built himself a set of shelving display cases that actually spell out "BAMA." I find it awe-inspiring. Although I'm fairly far from being a sports fan, I'm always fascinated by these personal shrines. Or anybody who has a huge collection on display of any sort of memorabilia. I guess it's perhaps that it's because I'm somebody who would never, ever, ever do something like this, so it makes me curious about people who do, rather than just dismissing them as crazy. Aaron drinks the room in, a bit surprised. JohnDavid points out pictures of himself with Dick Vitale and Joe Namath. He could probably charge people money to look at some of this stuff. I think he could eBay off the contents and live for several years off the proceeds, if he were so inclined. I think, however, he'd rather starve to death than give up his 'Bama Room. He's got one of Bear Bryant's hats. I don't know crap about college football, but I know that's a big deal. Brooke insists to us that JohnDavid wouldn't just let anybody into to room, so that means Aaron is "special."
Later in the day, or some other day entirely -- or perhaps yesterday, knowing reality-show editing -- Aaron and Brooke hang out in a gazebo. Aaron insists that it's rare to find a family as supportive as Brooke's is. Does Aaron live under the sea or something? What kind of families has he been running around with? Sharks? Sea turtles? Brooke tells Aaron that if her feelings progress the way they have been, she'd be happy to spend the rest of her life with him. Aaron asks her if she's ever heard of "butterfly kisses." I have, and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go crawl underneath a table and scream until the world ends. Isn't that some awful, awful song about a man singing about the way his daughter used to kiss him? There are some serious daddy issues going on here, as if we didn't already know. Brooke says that she does know what they are, as well as Eskimo kisses. Aaron pretends to be ignorant of what Eskimo kisses are (or he really is ignorant; you never know with him), so that Brooke will lean over and give him one.
Brooke and Aaron say their goodbyes to the family and wrap up the trip. Brooke thinks it was great to bring Aaron home, because that's where she grew up. Okay, then. As Aaron and Brooke drive off in the limo, Mom worries about her little daughter being happy. JohnDavid assures her that things will turn out all right: "God will take care of it." Yikes. I guess he wasn't kidding after all. You hear that, Helene, Gwen, and Angela? I'd watch the skies for lightning bolts if I were you. God wants Aaron to marry Brooke. Mom is in tears as Brooke and Aaron leave.
As Brooke and Aaron part ways, See 'N Say Aaron says that he enjoyed meeting Brooke's parents and feels better about her. He goes on to say that he was hoping that meeting them would "answer some questions" for him, but it hasn't, because he didn't "expect to be as impressed with them as [he] has been." He was totally hoping that Brooke's family would turn out to be a bunch of Cletuses, thereby making it easier for him to eventually dump her. He's all class, that Aaron.
Commercials. We return to Kansas City. There are images of fountains. Fountains are the money shots for Kansas City. I'm surprised we didn't see anybody eating cheese steaks when they were in Philly. Aaron meets with Angela. She welcomes him to Kansas City. I'm sure he's probably been there a few times, but he thanks her anyway. Then he has to explain to us that he's in Kansas City to meet Angela's family. We see lengthy shots of fountains as Aaron declares that the week has been "emotionally draining" for him. Seriously? Shut up, Aaron. God. Well, he's about to find out what emotionally draining really means.
It's time to meet Summer. Summer is Angela's roommate. Angela tells us that she warned Aaron that Summer is a little crazy. She seems normal, but is really just a bit crazy. I'm not sure how that makes her different from anybody else on this show, but okay. Aaron repeats for us what Angela just said. Thanks so much.
Angela and Aaron head on into Angela's living room, and we meet Summer and her pet golden retriever. Summer bears more than a passing resemblance to rejectees Kyla and Shannon. It amuses me to think that one of them managed to disguise herself just a little bit and returned back to get final revenge on Aaron for dropping her from the running. Everyone makes small talk about lunch. Summer asks what Angela's been up to. Aaron explains that they've been on dates together. They've been on a yacht. Summer "jokingly" asks why Aaron kept Angela along. Angela and Aaron "laugh." Aaron admits that Angela has been the "dark horse," because she's been soft-spoken and shy. Summer asks what has attracted Aaron to Angela. Aaron says that Angela's not catty or vindictive like some of the other women. Summer "jokes" that he doesn't know Angela very well. Angela blushes. She tells us she could tell that Aaron was getting a little uncomfortable around Summer. They chat some more. Summer observes that Aaron started getting uncomfortable when she asked him about his feelings toward Angela. As bitchy as Summer's being, I think it's telling that Aaron totally drops all pretense of his diplomatic non-answers and simply tells her that Angela has been "real hard for [him] to get to know." I think Aaron didn't have any more designs on Angela than he did Hayley or Shannon or Kyla. Aaron hasn't eliminated her yet because she's so "shy" and reserved that it's been so easy to ignore her in favor of his top three -- Brooke, Helene, and Gwen -- without feeling any guilt about it. Angela's not demanding any attention from him. And now that it's time for her to go, he's jumping on any possible "excuse." It's one of those situations where, if it weren't for the structure of the "eliminations" at the rose ceremony, Angela would be gone already.
Aaron points out to Summer that the other women spoke highly of her. Summer asks whether he would have picked Angela if others hadn't said great things about her. Aaron says he wouldn't. Interesting how suddenly honest Aaron is getting. Summer points out that Aaron made this decisions about Angela based on what others are saying about her, and not on his own experiences. Aaron says that he hasn't met Angela's family yet. Summer points out that, yet again, he's going to make decisions about Angela based on what other people are saying. Even Angela picks up on this strange behavior from Aaron and asks him if he's really basing his decisions on what the families say. Aaron backtracks and says he's not, but that he wants to see how the women interact with their loved ones.
Then Summer points out that Aaron didn't answer her question, and I don't care if she's a total bitch, I love that somebody has finally pointed that out. She asks Aaron again what he's basing his decisions on. Flustered Aaron starts to stammer out that he's starting out with their looks, because you have to have that "initial attraction" to work from. He starts to move on to something else, but then Summer interrupts him to ask, "So you're kind of superficial?" Hee! He totally is. I swear, every time he lists what he likes about one of the women, he inevitably has to tells us that she's hot or that she's got a "smokin' body." Summer than laughs and then pretends that she's just joking. Aaron looks more terrified than he did when Heather was hanging all over him, trying to suck out his soul. Summer follows up with a question for Angela: if Aaron actually asked Angela to marry him, what would she say? Angela looks confused and terrified herself and says she doesn't know yet. Aaron says that she wouldn't expect Angela to have an answer at this point in the dating. Summer then asks whether any of the other women in the running have already decided that they would accept a proposal. Aaron says that they have. Then Summer asks, "Does that concern you?" I think she was asking Angela that question, but we can't tell. Summer tells us that she would recommend that Angela not agree to marry Aaron. She doesn't think it's possible for anybody to make that sort of decision in six short weeks. You know, I think that Summer was behaving awfully at times, but she was also right about a lot of things, and the one thing Angela should have taken away from Aaron's responses is that he really isn't interested in her. Not at all.
As Aaron and Angela leave, Aaron says he's never met anybody like Summer before. Man, five minutes on our forums would teach him a thing or two. Aaron tells us that he thinks that Summer was trying to keep Angela from wanting to get to know Aaron better. No, Aaron, that would be you trying to keep the women from getting to know you better by never answering any of their questions directly. In the limo, Angela plays damage control by insisting that Summer tries to sabotage everything. Aaron says that it's one thing for Summer not to believe in love at first sight or in a quick engagement, but he suggests that Angela "be careful." Yeah, Summer's just jealous of everything Angela has and wants to destroy her. She can't possibly distrust Aaron because of his mealy-mouthed answers or smug attitude or anything like that. She just wants to hurt Angela.
Angela brings Aaron home to meet her parents and siblings. Angela's mom looks like a man. I'm just saying. How hysterical would it be if one of these families had a real "non-traditional" family? Brooke's doesn't count. I mean single parents, or gay parents, or just something besides these Rockwell nuclear families. I'd love it if one of these women grew up in a hippie commune in the middle of the desert or something. ["I'm sure those women got screened out long ago." -- Wing Chun] The family sits around in the living room and chats. Somehow, the focus of discussion becomes Angela's inability to balance her checkbooks. Yeah, this family's taking this all seriously. It's like everybody can tell that there's no interest here. I think Angela knows as well, but she's in this defensive, self-denial phase.
Another family barbecue. Inside, Angela's sister asks her what she likes about Aaron. Angela immediately asks, defensively, "Why?" Sis just wants to know and asks again. Angela responds, "I don't know. He's just a really good guy." I hear wedding bells -- don't you? Angela tells us that she doesn't normally bring guys home to the family and that it was all a little nerve-wracking. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that he had planned to meet Angela's family and tell them all about himself so that they can get to know who he is.
But it turns out that Angela's family doesn't care. At all. Aaron is the "and guest" at this family dinner. Dad talks with Sis about soccer tournaments or something to find out if Angela's going to make it out to any of them. Aaron points out to us that the family was having a good time talking amongst themselves, but that nobody seemed to care much about him. God willing, the entire universe will return to this state of Buerge apathy in a month or so. Finally, Angela's brother asks Aaron what he likes about Angela. Aaron gives some non-answer about finding women who are close to their families. I don't think Aaron could be any less interested in Angela if she were Joan Rivers. Dad interrupts to point out again that Aaron would be great helping Angela balance her checkbook. He's the bank's vice-president. They're not so much with the spreadsheets. I wouldn't go asking the CEO of Boeing to build me a jet.
So after that boring gathering, Angela and Aaron say their goodbyes. See 'N Say Aaron lies that he looks forward to getting to know Angela in the future. He says that the rose ceremony is going to be hard. Lies! Lies! Angela and Aaron head out to the limo. Angela tells us that she hopes Aaron gives her a rose at the ceremony. She says it was hard to bring Aaron home to her family, but that it turned out great. I wonder what the scenario would have looked like if things had gone badly. Aaron hugs Angela goodbye. There is no kissing.
Commercials. We return back to the Malibu Dream House for the night of the rose ceremony. Chris greets Aaron in the deliberation room. See 'N Say Aaron explains that it's all getting real and serious and difficult and tough and hard. Did he enjoy meeting the families? He did. He says that all four women are "solid gold." I think that means he wants to see them dancing around onstage in shiny, revealing outfits. Chris invites Aaron to watch the women's private messages, shot back in their hometowns, while Chris greets the women "as they arrive." I have that in quotes because I'm sure do to the timing and editing and such, I'm sure the four women aren't all actually arriving while Aaron's watching these brief videos.
Videos. Gwen jokes about filming her video message naked on the streets of Buffalo. She didn't, because it's probably cold as hell up there. Gwen had a good time. She enjoyed visiting Niagara Falls with him. Gwen "arrives" at the Malibu Dream House, and Chris lets her in. Angela tells Aaron that she also had a great time and hopes Aaron got to know her a little better. Chris escorts her into the house. Helene shows up to the house in a slinky red dress. See, she wore it when she knew it mattered. In her video, she says the same thing everybody else said. Brooke says the same thing in her video everybody else said. Then she repeats that joke about her Marine uncle kicking Aaron's ass if he breaks her heart. See 'N Say Aaron stares at the serial-killer shrine and blathers about how tough it is to cut one of the women out tonight. Liar. He knew who he was cutting before he even went on these dates.
Commercials. When we return, Robot Chris reminds the women that this is Aaron's most difficult decision yet. Four women. Three Roses. Blah. Blah. Blah. He escorts Aaron back out to the women. Aaron says that, for the first time in his life, he's at a loss for words. Just pull the string, See 'N Say Aaron. He does so, and then repeats for the five hundredth time that he didn't expect this decision to be so difficult. He pulls the string again and repeats for the five hundredth time that he had a wonderful time with all the women and their families. He does that little bull-snort that he thinks indicates what a heavy deal this is to him, unaware that even the bachelorettes have started to make fun of him about it. I forgot to mention that dead-on impersonation of Aaron that Brooke did of him a couple of weeks ago during the end credits. Usually, I'm so relieved when an episode is over and I can go take a hot shower to get clean again that I forget to recap that part.
Time for the roses. The first rose goes to Gwen. Gwen accepts. The second rose goes to Helene. Helene accepts. Will the final rose go to Brooke or Angela? Brooke or Angela? Oh, the tension. Yeah, right. It goes to Brooke, of course. And leaving us hanging for fifteen seconds doesn't make it more surprising -- Angela's out.
Aaron explains to us that he has to walk Angela out of the house, and that it's going to be tough because it will be like "breaking up" with her. Except that he barely knew her and all. On the way out, Aaron explains to Angela that he feel like he didn't get to know her as well as he did the other women. Angela agrees. They hug. Angela tells Aaron to "have fun" as he escorts her into the limo.
Angela tells us that she wishes she could have been more relaxed around Aaron, but that she wasn't. She worries that she was "numb" and "cold" and says that she doesn't want to be the way she is. God, she thinks she has to change who she is because Aaron rejected her. This show is screwed up in so many ways. She worries that she's not affectionate and is going to be an old maid at forty. Well, I'm not very affectionate either and I'm...oh, shit. She's so screwed. Angela worries that she's a cold-hearted bitch. Based on what little we've seen of Angela, she's obviously not. I suspect that she's been surrounded by a lot of awful Chipsters who have called her names like that in a drunken stupor when she failed to respond to their clumsy advances. I imagine that starts to get into your psyche after a while.
Inside, the remaining bachelorettes toast the fact that their fifteen minutes of fame aren't over yet.
week: the women get "overnight" dates with Aaron. More awkward kissing. More insistent questions from Helene. Aaron looks like he's getting tired of her. Another woman gets sent home.
Over the end credits, JohnDavid tells us that if they went to Wal-Mart to pick out a husband for Brooke, they couldn't get any better than Aaron. That's probably true; if Wal-Mart did sell husbands, Aaron's about what you'd get. They also give Aaron a little figurine of Alabama's mascot. It still has the price tag on it. Hee! Of course, Aaron didn't think to bring so much as a nice bottle of wine or anything to all these families whose daughters he's wooing, so he doesn't even deserve that.