So as I said to the doctor right before my flexible sigmoidoscopy: let's get this over with.
Chris Harrison is greeted by the cheering studio audience. I want to know their stories. Are they watching ironically? Actually going to a studio for this taping would suggest that this is about more than shits and giggles. "What a great season it's been so far," says Harrison, because I guess he interrupted a Wire marathon to tape this show.
Let's get Jason's side of the story, shall we? Chris tells Jason that "America" has "really fallen in love" with him. I don't live in America, but I'm pretty sure I know that's not true. For some reason, the first bachelorette that Chris asks Jason about is Megan, and we reminisce about being on the set of General Hospital and Megan shoved her tongue down his throat like her tongue was diabetic and his uvula was insulin. Jason says something about rolling with it because he doesn't want to make anyone feel horrible (which is completely at odds with appearing on this show, you know). Jason says he could feel "claws and heat" when he was kissing bachelorettes in front of other bachelorettes.
Then Chris and Jason talk about all the bachelorettes losing their shit on him at the after party, like with Shannon sneezing snot all over her hands and then going in for an awkward kiss, and we talk about her being likeable and a sweetheart, and I missed the part where the word "stalker-ish" was used.
Then there's Stephanie clotheslining her daughter like a defensive lineman, and Jason talks about the date being awesome and all the "clouds aligning," which is a new one on me, and then Jason calls himself "incredible" for helping Stephanie get over her dead husband.
What's ? Naomi's batshit family with their hula hoops and dove burials. "What is someone supposed to say when that's happening?" asks Jason, rhetorically. I have an answer, though: you say, "That's it. I'm done."
Jillian? "I'm not saying there wasn't any passion with Jillian, but there wasn't enough for a marriage," says Jason, and Chris brings up the hot tub sex scene and says "Cinemax called," and adds that he didn't watch it himself because he was too embarrassed. You hear that, Jason? You know you've hit a low when the host of The Bachelor is too embarrassed for something.
Then there was the tent date with Molly, with Chris demanding to know what happened in the tent, and then Jason is saying "whoa, easy, buddy!" and says they really only had three hours together, and Chris says "Three hours of sex is a lot!" and Jason insists it was really innocent, and Chris wants to put it in baseball terms, and Jason claims it was only first base.
up: "The great moments that people didn't get to see." There were "great moments"? Why didn't they show, you know, ANY of them? Well, there's Jason on a horse on his hometown date with Naomi, and the horse is all, "You are NOT putting me on The Motherfucking Bachelor," and spins around until Jason jumps off. And there's Jason golfing with Molly and losing, and the bet was that the loser had to take his or her pants off, and Jason lost and stripped down to his boxers, and unfortunately we don't see them getting chased off the course.
After yet another rehash of Ty's tantrum that forced Jason to stay up with Melissa. And then we go back to General Hospital for a "very Shakespearean" (so says Harrison) improv scene that -- well, obviously if it had been any good they'd have found room for it during that actual episode.
Oh, god, we're back to the date with Molly, where for some reason Jason wrote a rap and rapped it at her, or towards her, or whatever. "Your eyes are so amazing, when we talk it's like stargazing." I am as white a person as you will ever meet, but Jason makes me look like Biggie, for reals. "We know from The Bachelorette that you suck, why do it again?" asks Chris. Seriously! I -- oh, he just means rapping-wise, not in general-wise. "DJ Jay is done," says Jason.
Then there's Molly and Jason making out in a bathtub, and then the jets were making these gurgling noises? Was that really the jets, or was that you, asks Harrison. It was really the jets, says Jason. Fascinating.
"What really goes on in the fantasy suite?" asks Harrison, and Jason asks if he asks everybody that question. "People really want to know!" claims Harrison. No one with a life does, Harrison. Of that I am quite sure. He says it's all about getting to know someone with cameras around, but other than that, he's not going to say. Of course he isn't. Can you imagine? "Jillian? I hit that twice."
So it's off to Vail, Colo., where Ryan is still a firefighter who just got promoted to lieutenant, and their kid is adorable, plus they're expecting a daughter in a few months. Trista says she thinks the girl will have Ryan wrapped around her little finger. Then there's Ryan testifying to "how wonderful" his life is. "It's as close to a dream come true as I could imagine," he says, like how weird that he doesn't just say, "It's a dream come true"?
Want to know who Trista thinks Jason should pick? No? Well, anyway, she picks Melissa.
Surprisingly, Ryan's poetry career has stalled, only he wrote one for Max that was supposed to be about his impending sister, so it was really weird the line about "wanting to get back in" the womb, because it was kind of like that one line about men spending the first nine months of their existence trying to get out, and then the rest of their lives trying to get back in.
And then Trista and Ryan talk about finding love and, oh, I don't know, magical rainbow puppy dog heart feathers, for all I know.
Harrison would like to inform me that the idea that Trista and Ryan are the only successful Bachelor/Bachelorette couple is a "misconception," because Charlie "found love" with Sarah, but then they broke up, but recently got back together, and I assume "got back together" means "they want to get a slice of the Trista and Ryan pie and we're only too happy to oblige them."
Anyway, they're here tonight to tell us all about it. Can you believe the luck? Can you believe that they were available? The two of them come out, and Harrison calls it "bizarre" to see them again, like nice thing to say, and he asks them to "catch us up to date." So they dated off and on for a year or two, then were off for about a year, and then have been back together for about a year now. True story! So what happened? Sarah says it was mainly due to Charlie's drinking and how she didn't "appreciate it and respond well to it." "I thought it was keeping us together!" jokes Charlie, and it's really sweet that he can make light of his relationship-destroying alcoholism, and then he says he hasn't had a drink in over two years (which would put his sobriety right around the time he broke up with Sarah, if their timeline is accurate).
So what brought them back together? She went to a Halloween party, and saw someone in a Garfield costume, and she instinctively knew it was him, and then -- and this is her telling the story, I remind you -- she went over to him and then apparently stood there with her mouth hanging open, and then she doesn't even know what happened but they went home together that night. Drunken booty call! Harrison laughs uproariously and calls that "outstanding!"
Harrison tries not to pin them down to a wedding date, which is good, because Charlie says they're "working on the relationship" and there "could" be an engagement, and there "may" be a family, and I really resent these two scrabbling for another fifteen minutes of fame, and the show itself for passing off their drunken booty-call of a relationship as a "successful" match for The Bachelor.
My god, there have been fourteen seasons of this nonsense? Harrison is going to let us find out what happens when the cameras "stop rolling." And he does this by showing us footage. I don't think Chris Harrison thinks we know what "stop rolling" means. Anyway, it looks like bachelors and bachelorettes from various seasons like to get together and have parties and fuck each other. For free! And someone who I don't know who it is (Amy, it turns out) says she heard rumours of a threesome. Yeah, well, if we're throwing out rumours in a sorry attempt at titillation, I heard rumours of an orgy! And then there's Shayne saying, "Like what the [bleep] were you thinking?" only we have no fucking clue in regards to what. And apparently Holly and Robert were dating, only he got "super creepy" on her, according to Holly herself, and then she was dating Jesse. You know, Jesse? The guy DeAnna passed over Jason for in the season RIGHT BEFORE THIS ONE? Jesse's moved on, apparently, and he's really happy, and Holly wants to inform all the ladies that Jesse is taken, to which all the ladies respond, "Actually, we're good, thanks."
Then Amy is telling us that Chelsea "supposably [sic]" posed for Playboy which she thinks is probably true because she's super-hot. And then Robert makes a joke about everybody in their cast picking up ten copies, and I'd really appreciate Mr. Pink Popped Polo Collar Robert keeping his fucking masturbation strategies to himself from now on. And Brian loved Amanda, who loved Graham (who was into Holly), and apparently Fred and Noelle are together, and I'd just like to say that all of these people should have paternity testing centres on speed-dial. "I love Noelle. I love her with all my heart," says Fred. "I totally love that guy!" says Noelle. They've even met each other's families! They seem genuinely happy. "We are reality show rejects that fell in love," says Noelle. Heh.
Speaking of reality show rejects, here are some of the roseless women from earlier this season. I'd actually forgotten about some of these ones. Renee? Sharon? Kari? How are these "some of the most memorable women"? Isn't this just all of them? Harrison says they're in the midst of "one of the most amazing seasons" which is partly because of who Jason is, and Harrison needles Shannon about knowing a lot about Jason, and she says she felt like she already knew him, and laughs really nervously, and I hate to tell her that she STILL comes off stalker-ish.
I don't remember this Jackie person. Are we sure she was actually on the show? Is it possible that the show is playing a trick on us? I don't believe this Jackie person was there. I call bullshit.
Then for some reason we're forced to watch some "highlights" from early episodes. I don't know why the show does this. All that winds up happening is we're reminded about how indistinguishable one season is from the . I guess the "benefit" is watching the picture-in-picture of the bachelorettes watching themselves get cut down by the other women. This show makes all women seem like scheming emotional backstabbing messes. We revisit the tension between Megan and Erica, which is kind of like revisiting the time you got your wisdom teeth pulled out. And remember when Lauren threw them under the bus? Well, Lauren calls it "loyalty." To who? Jason? How'd that work out for you? And then Erica is obnoxiously defending her behaviour and Natalie steps in to complain about getting a little bit of fun poked at her, only to find out that people didn't actually like her. Harrison asks Stephanie what she thinks of all the "cattiness," and she says she tries to see the positive in everything, whatever that's supposed to mean.
Now Natalie's in the hot seat, doing her best to pretend that she's not a shallow jewelry-obsessed dingbat. When Harrison brings up the million-dollar necklace and how it was too bad she and the necklace went home on separate flights, she curtly says, "I don't like jewelry, so it's OK," and then Harrison asks for her arm, on which she has enough bracelets to deflect bullets, like Wonder Woman. Some great old clips: like Natalie saying she doesn't want to be stereotyped because of her appearance. Maybe the camera adds ten pounds of unattractiveness? Natalie never did it for me. Even less so now, with her in damage
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-control mode. She says again that she's sick of being stereotyped as something she's not, and to prove that she talks about how tough it was to be in the house without her iPod, and she tried to avoid confrontation, but not getting the rose meant that it was "venting time." "I don't think you really went out of your way to avoid confrontation," says Harrison. I love you, Chris Harrison! Half the bachelorettes pile on Natalie, with Nikki in particular pointing out that they don't like her, not because of some imagined stereotype, but because of the things she said and did. Natalie argues, starts losing, and then says she doesn't want to argue. She's sick of being stereotyped because of arguing. Harrison thanks her for being in the hot seat. She's sick of being stereotyped as someone in the hot seat!Jillian's up ! She looks sweet, hair straightened, wearing green. The other bachelorettes clap; they seem to like her too. Harrison asks if she's surprised by how much support she gets. Jillian calls it overwhelming because it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and Harrison says everyone saw something special between her and Jason. But ... it wasn't there. So everyone who "saw" that was wrong, Harrison!
After the extended Jillian highlights package (a lot of which they showed at the beginning of this stupid show anyway), Jillian herself is almost tearing up again. She says she did fall in love with Jason. Harrison says things seemed so easy and natural between the two of them (I guess he's forgotten the painful chats she and Jason had to have to talk about opening up). "All of a sudden you got the 'friend' card from Jason, and that's always tough," says Harrison, and Jillian reiterates that she wants someone who is going to be her friend too. We learn that Jillian's grandmother loved Jason too, and that when she came home non-engaged, her dad at first thought she was playing a prank on him.
We revisit the hot dog theory so Jillian can update Jason's composition to seventy percent mustard, twenty percent ketchup. "I am a big personality and maybe too much for him," says Jillian. I think she nails it. Jason has started to come across as someone who wants someone to be demure and adoring. A cheerleader (spoiler alert?). Harrison asks if she'd do it all over again, like maybe being the bachelorette? Huge cheers from the audience. Jillian, I love you too. You're too good for this show, so don't do it! She says she'd do it again, and adds something about needing to slay a few dragons before getting to the prince.
And here comes Jason himself. Did you know you fell in love with him? I didn't, but Harrison says we all did, and we all know Harrison would never exaggerate.
Harrison asks how it is to walk out and see "this crew" sitting here, and Jason says he built a relationship with everybody, but he was honest and it didn't work out with those "amazing" women over there. Harrison asks Jillian if she wants to ask Jason why he sent her home. She says she understood the "best friend" thing but thinks what he said about not being able to keep up with her was bullshit. He calls her the "ultimate best friend" again, and suggests she's like that for a lot of people in her life. She asks him about how he kissed Melissa and said he hadn't been kissed like that in a long time -- despite going out with her the night before. He stammers out a little bit about being honest, and she lets him off the mat by saying she's just messing with him.
Hey, Naomi, remember how your family was all crazy? Yeah, they were crazy. Correction. Amazing. Naomi has "huge wings" and wants to explore the world and Jason can't do that with her. Naomi says she thinks it just wasn't meant to be. You know what's really distracting? Lauren's boobs hanging out all over the place behind Naomi's head.
As for Stephanie? Lovely person, just didn't see them as husband and wife. Which is sad, since Stephanie was pretty much envisioning that from day one.
So now -- bloopers? That's it for the hot seat? "The hard part is over," says Harrison? What "hard part"? Anyway, bloopers: Naomi sniffs her pits. Melissa burps. Shannon sticks a ... grape? ... up her nose and asks people if she has a booger. Jillian requires a black bar over her chest during a rowdy game of chicken. Jason's horse doesn't like him, which we ALREADY SAW. The hot tub gurgles, which WE ALREADY SAW. Make this goddamn show an hour already and let everybody go to bed early!
So how's Ty doing, Harrison asks. He's great, he turned four. The audience applauds the fact that Jason procreated four years ago.
So now the big question, from Harrison: "Are you happy?" Jason says he is happy. Which means he's not engaged, right? I mean, if he were, Harrison would have said, "Are you engaged?" and Jason would have said, "Yes I am," right? It's a good thing we're not as stupid as this show thinks we are.
After Jason is let off easy, we get the extended montages of the two final contestants, Molly and Melissa. All recycled material, so I'm not recapping that. Well, OK. To sum up: Connection. Amazing. Spend the rest of my life with. Absolutely. Dream. That's about it.
week: it's the most joy-filled weecap ever.
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