By Daniel
The RVs are arriving in San Francisco, and there are just five women left. Tenley says that Jake is very serious, since last time he said goodbye to four women. Logically, when only one woman is eliminated tonight, that means he's only about twenty-five percent as serious as he used to be. Ali's from San Francisco, so she's extra excited. Jake says he's "really excited" about his final five women, and he has to figure out which women he wants to meet his parents, which he says takes the relationship to a whole other level. I'm not sure that "implicating these women's parents in this cultural crime against humanity" is a whole other level, but there you have it.
The women are amazed at the hotel suite they're in, which is nice, if not as orgasmic as they're reacting. There are three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one this time. So there's an extra date, which Jakes will let him get to know all the women that much better. And apparently the roses aren't up for grabs on these dates, like not even on the two-on-one? I missed that somehow in the explanation, but when I watch The Bachelor I engage in primal scream therapy every ten minutes or so, so this was probably explained one of the times that I was screaming. I guess this is punishment for us for enjoying the bachelorette "bloodbath" last week.
Tenley opens the first date card, and it's for her: "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco." She squeals and hops up and down, and then she explains that she's really excited. "This is becoming very real," she says, and then seems to have a heart attack or stroke. She's sweating, and Vienna starts fanning a couch cushion at her. She sits there open-mouthed and staring for about five minutes while she realizes that the fate of the world hangs in the balance of her date with Jake. I'm not even kidding. She's frozen up like there are ten seconds left on the timer and she doesn't know if she should cut the red wire or the blue wire.
Jake tells us he's really excited. "Tenley seems like a really sweet girl. She's positive all the time," he says, and he knows Tenley was really hurt by her cheatin' ex-husband. Really? Maybe she should have MENTIONED IT ONCE OR TWICE. Good for her, she's going after her "second chance at love," and she still has a "lot of love to give" and it's nice that she refuses to consider herself shrivelled up and worthless at 25 or however old she is.
They ride their own streetcar to Chinatown and eat suckling pig and watch fortune cookies get made. Too bad Tenley's ex-husband never got the "stick with your wife" fortune and got "you will find happiness with a new love" one. And everyone get ready to puke, because the two of them are writing fortunes for each other that they'll read later. And then they are having tea and kissing, and Tenley says, "Falling in love in San Francisco would be so incredible," whatever that's supposed to mean. Sadly, the two of them are so dorky that they seem to think they've actually visited another country. Jake says he's starting to fall in love with Tenley, and he wants to get to know Tenley more and "get in her head," but I think he means "pants."
Since the other women have nothing to do but talk about Jake, they get all excited when the date card comes. Corrie reads the card and says it's for Ali and Vienna. "Come be the queens in my castle." Ali just busts out and says, "I feel sick right now." Only it turns out Corrie was just kidding when she read the card. Instead it's Gia and Vienna. Which is pretty hilarious -- major points for Corrie from me -- and as a bonus, now Ali has to backtrack on her obnoxious "I feel sick right now." Ali contorts herself into knots trying to pretend that it has nothing to do with Vienna, but because San Francisco is her town, which doesn't go very far in explaining Ali's rudeness to Vienna in all the other places not named "San Francisco." Vienna's upset that she's not going on a one-on-one, and Ali snottily asks if Vienna wants her to leave, like YOU STARTED IT, ALI, and Vienna says sure, but Ali hates having her bluff called so she just bitches some more at Vienna and continues to try to pretend that her problem with Vienna HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VIENNA. She blathers on about how their personalities are so different. Vienna contends that Ali's problems with her "aren't going to break up Jake and I," like they're an ACTUAL COUPLE. In the end, Vienna just decides to go pick out her outfit for the date, and I'm not sure if the phrase "lesser of two evils" has ever been more applicable.
Tenley and Jake are going to the iconic Coit Tower for supper, which has a pretty spectacular view of the city. "Tenley, of all the women, is the one I picture most as my wife," he says, which is weird since this is their first one-on-one date. But he's worried about giving his heart away because she's divorced, which sounds awfully douchey. And he asks her what mistakes she made in her marriage, and she says that she wishes she jumped off the couch or came out from the kitchen to greet her husband when he came home? Is she blaming herself for her husband's affair?
She asks what Jake is expecting from marriage, and says people don't realize they have expectations, but "expectations exist," like WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT, and Jake wants his wife to "has [his] back," no matter what mistakes he might make, and given that Tenley's last husband cheated on her, maybe he could talk about expecting to support his wife no matter what mistakes SHE makes, and he thinks the marriage might not always be perfect, but the love will be, or something. Then Tenley asks about pilots' unfaithfulness. "Cheating is a choice. You have to make a choice to cheat," he "explains," adding that he won't make that choice? No shit cheating is a choice. Tenley seems satisfied, though.
And then they are opening up the fortune cookies they made: "Kiss me," reads Tenley's (from Jake) and she wrote the exact same thing. "Great minds think alike!" says Jake. Fools seldom differ, says I. The best you can come up with is "kiss me"?
Jake says he wouldn't change a thing about Tenley, and Tenley says Jake is a beautiful man from the "inside out" like maybe his intestines are really pretty or something and then they are making out and babbling about possibly starting to begin to think about falling in love.
And now there's another date card on top of a chest in the hallway? The women bring the chest into their room. It's for Gia and Vienna. The card says Jake thought he would give them more options to get ready for their date. It's a chest full of clothes for them to dress up in. "It was really, really sweet of him. It meant a lot," says Vienna, like Jake actually had anything to do with it.
Jake's meeting the women at a vineyard in Napa Valley. Jake says he's not keen on the two-on-one dates because he's not sure how to divide his time, like yeah, this is why NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS. It's always amusing to me when people who go on The Bachelor or Bachelorette then complain about how the show works. It's kind of like going on So You Think You Can Dance and saying, "I think it's stupid that you have to dance and have people judge you."
The women arrive at the castle at the winery, and Vienna is in heaven. It may surprise you to learn that Vienna still thinks of herself as her dad's princess. I mean, my daughter does too, but she's three, and we'll be growing her out of that. Gia feels like a "third wheel" on the date because Jake and Vienna are so tight. That's because Vienna never shuts up, and Gia needs to assert herself some more.
Tenley and Ali back at the hotel are chatting about what they think the women are talking to Jake about on the date. It's even more boring than actually watching the date. They of course figure Jake's hearing a bunch of shit about Ali and Ali hopes to set the record straight. Tenley wonders if maybe he has the two of them on the two-on-one date because he's trying to decide between the two of them. YEAH, THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT, TENLEY. She's so sweet, I almost hate to make fun of her. It's like making fun of a kitten.
Of course, though, on the date, Vienna IS talking about the last rose ceremony, and the way Ali spouted off about Vienna. She practically starts to cry, and Jake tells her he's got reasons for what he does, and he's picked his best five. Also, he doesn't care what other people think. I don't think he's being honest about that last part, though. And then Jake is feeling really awkward about Vienna blabbing away and sneaks away with Gia, and Vienna's upset about that, because it's HER date, after all. I think she might actually believe that. Not in an optimistic way, but in a sociopathic way.
Jake and Gia go off into a private room, and Gia talks some more about being a "third wheel." She mentions one of the girls talking about how Jake likes to put her legs in his lap, and Gia thought Jake only did that to her. "That hurt me. That really hurt me," she says. So leave. So LEAVE. You're nice, and gorgeous. You will find someone. Just go! Jake starts flattering her. "Are you falling for me? Because I'm falling for you," he says. And you can't spell "dingbat" without "Gia," and she says "Really?" and then they make out. "I'm really concerned that you're dating other women... oh, you think I'm pretty? Objection withdrawn!" And she whispers, "Is it OK to fall?" and he whispers back "It's OK to fall." It's also OK to chunder, so excuse me for a moment.
Speaking of morons, there goes Vienna, carrying a lantern through the dark hallways of the castle because she is incapable of allowing other women to spend time with Jake. And she gets lost, and she seems actually scared. "Jake? Honey?" Yeah, there IS a camera crew there. I'm sure you're going to be all right.
And now Vienna is actually crying. "I don't know if Jake's just feelin' it with her and doesn't want to be around me or what," she tells us. Well, what's not to like? Needy airhead with a daddy's princess complex. Don't worry, Jake's going to want to lock that down! Meanwhile, the power of Jake's French-kissing tongue has calmed all of Gia's doubts about being a third wheel. And then she finds Gia and Jake, who hastily stop kissing, and Gia leaves. And Vienna puts her legs up on Jake's lap and poutily says it was hard seeing him with Gia, and Jake is definitely losing his interest in Vienna. "I'm sitting here with Jake, and he seems a little bit distant," Vienna tells us. So she ratchets up the pouty: "I don't want to share you anymore." His response: "Yeah, this is a crazy, crazy adventure, isn't it?" he says, flatly.
Back at the hotel, Ali opens the date card: "Love is a walk in the park." It's for Corrie, and she's really excited, but not to the point of brain aneurysm like Tenley.
Anyway, this is a sleepover date? The women share a room, and Vienna of course can't stay in bed but has to go bug Jake, who is shirtless in bed. Gia figures Vienna's making a big mistake, because she's being too forward. Jake recounts the story of being "semi-nekkid" in bed when Vienna came in "sexy as hell" (must have missed that part) with two glasses of wine. And he's concerned Gia would think something was going on, and Vienna asks if she should go, and Jake tells her this isn't fair to the other women, especially to Gia. So she sulks back off to her room.
So the day it's time for Corrie's one-on-one date with Jake, and she's excited because she's the only woman left who hasn't kissed Jake, and since so many have jumped in that pool before her, I should think she shouldn't be in any hurry. But this is one of those things there the women act like the bachelor's saliva inoculates them against being eliminated at a roses ceremony. Jake is also excited for the date: "We have the same values and we have the same outlook on life," he says. Yeah, nothing says, "I'm excited!" like "We have the same values!" When people start specifying that they share the same values, I usually just assume they don't think gay people should get married.
Then they are rowing in a boat and it is the most boring thing I have ever seen in my life. Like if there had been a blank screen up there, it would have been more interesting, because then I would have at least had to look to find out why I couldn't hear anything from the television. And then both of them sit there, Corrie clearly wanting Jake to lean in to kiss her, and Jake either not noticing or not caring, and finally just saying, "Let's go get some dinner." And I think the problem is that Corrie expects the man to be ninety percent the initiator of kissing, whereas Jake pegs the man's obligation at eighty percent. Well, so much for sharing the same values!
Back at the hotel, Gia picks up the date card which is, of course, for Ali. "I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city," it reads, which means she gets to plan the date. She wants to show him where she lives and where she goes for brunch. Here's hoping Jake has a strong heart, because that might just be too much excitement for one date.
Meanwhile, Jake and Corrie are going to a science museum. As usual, they have the place to themselves. I'm starting to think that businesses don't want their staff to have anything to do with this show: "Sure, use the place, just leave us out of it, all right? Turn out the lights and lock up before you leave." They walk hand-in-hand and look at the birds and butterflies and the fish, including this big ugly fish that took one look at the camera and decided there was no way in hell he was going to be on camera and swims off.
Then they're having dinner, and talking about how much slower their relationship has gone, and this is one of those points where time is going so excruciatingly slowly that it feels like it's actually going backwards. And now they are talking about living together before marriage, which Corrie doesn't want to do, and admits that she's a virgin, and Jake respects all this, but I bet is actually turned on, which is awfully fortunate for Corrie I suppose, and she says she can definitely see herself engaged to Jake at the end of all this. Which any veteran watcher of this show knows is likely being included to make an elimination seem that more dramatic.
Ali gets herself made up for her date with Jake, and it turns out she actually is from Massachusetts but San Francisco is her home now, and this feels more important than the hometown date. Yeah, I'm sure if Ali gets a hometown date, she'll say, "Eh, last week in San Francisco was more important than this."
"This date is either going to go really great, or it's going to show Jake who she really is," says Vienna, adding Jake might not like it. So Jake and Ali start running all over the place with Ali saying eight million times about how she loves that she gets to show him who she is. And their conversation is inane to the point of Jake asking Ali what her favorite flower is, and she says, "I want you. You're my big flower" when he's just trying to figure out what kind of DAMN FLOWERS TO BUY HER and then she praises the job Jake did picking out the flowers like he mapped the human genome or something.
And then the women are talking about Jake being out with "Ali cat" and Vienna is still bitching about Ali, in this case because this is Ali's SECOND one-on-one date, and she gets it right before the rose ceremony, and Vienna is so outraged that it sounds like she thinks she should file a human-rights complaint or something.
Jake calls San Francisco "SF." Does anyone do that? I'm seriously asking. I don't know if I've ever heard that before, not that I necessarily would. Jake asks Ali what her typical Sunday is, and Ali says the first thing she does is check her e-mail so it sounds like the good times never stop with Ali. However, she's apparently an advertising accounts manager, which at least is a real job. By contrast, Vienna is referred to as a "marketing representative," which I'm just going to assume means she goes to bars and tries to get people to drink Bacardi. Or she wears a bikini at boat shows. Then Ali babbles away about going out for something to eat, and then she starts talking about her family and how she doesn't come from "the picture-perfect family" but that's OK because she knows what she wants to do now and she's taking this very seriously, like WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, ALI, and then Jake warns us that he's got some serious questions for Ali about the "drama" and unless a person is referring to actual stage plays I completely loathe any and all references to "drama" because the best way to avoid drama has always been and always will be to ignore it altogether.
And now they're walking along the place where Ali goes to run. "I'd chase you down here," says Jake, who can please stop acting like a cheeseball any damn time thank you very much, and then they watch a seagull eat a crab, and they act like it's the first time crabs have ever factored into the Bachelor.
And then they play soccer and then lie on the grass and Ali straddles him to massage him, all the better to do some boob-squashing as she makes out with him. Ali gives him the "I never in a million years thought I'd be here" speech that so many bachelorettes make, even though all of them have to apply to be on the show and interview and everything.
And now they are having champagne, and then Jake says he wants her to know that if she ever has any questions about anything, she can come to him. You're not her DAD, Jake. She starts vaguely babbling about seeing things that other people don't see, and he presses her to be specific, and she says she doesn't, and he finally just interrupts her blatherings to say, "about Vienna," like he is actually hectoring her to get her to admit to not understanding why Vienna's still around. "I hear what everyone's saying, but I don't see that," he says, like so much for not caring what other people think. Ali looks less than thrilled to have to be lectured on how Vienna "goes out of her way" to let Jake know that she's here for him, and I can't say I blame her. And Ali is certainly less emphatic about her hatred for Vienna when she's with Jake, and she tells us she needs to trust Jake "through and through" -- Jake knows best! Jake will do what's right! -- and now they are making out and now they are running into the surf, and now they are making out in the surf. "I could have stayed out there forever," says Ali, and I don't think anyone watching would have been upset if the two of you had never come back. "I am so smitten with that boy," Ali tells us.
So now the women are all dressed up for the cocktail party. Vienna tells us it's important to get a rose tonight, AS OPPOSED TO ANY OTHER ROSE CEREMONY, because week are the hometown dates. Poor wittle Jake tells us that it's "killing" him to have to send people home, and there's Jake toasting the women and letting them know that he's falling for all of them. It's a monumentally dumb thing to say, but Jake is nothing if not sincere, I've come to accept -- that he honestly believes the bullshit he spews -- so I'm sure he meant it to seem nice rather than non-committal.
Tenley's practically crying because it's been days since she's seen Jake and he's gone on a couple of good dates, so she needs to sit down with Jake and be validated. Her insecurity is kind of off-putting, but Jake seems to dig it, and he wants to let her know that she's special to him, so when she burbles that she wants to Jake, they get up and start dancing. And then they're making out.
And then Ali and Vienna are managing not to rip each other's heads off, and then Jake comes by to talk to Corrie, who tells Jake that she wasn't expecting to have that conversation with him last night. "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side," she tells us, and you know what? Feel free to keep a few more secrets, Corrie. "It's not about sex appeal. It's about heart appeal," Jake tells us, and I hope it's clear right now that Jake hasn't been dumped because he's "too perfect" like he's told us, but because he's a complete cornball ALL THE TIME.
And then Gia is talking to Jake and telling him that it showed character for him to tell Vienna to take a hike when she tried to snag some semi-nekkid bed time with him, and then Jake is doing that thing where he manages to make the bachelorette seem like she's the ONLY bachelorette, and Gia completely falls for it. Again.
Vienna and Tenley are talking about Jake saying he's falling for all of them, and Tenley says it made her want to cry. At this point, what doesn't make Tenley cry? At least Ali says she just thinks he actually means Ali, and maybe one or two others. She thinks that he's deciding between Corrie and Gia on who has to go home.
And then Jake takes Vienna away to show her the view from his hotel room, and she says it's the first time she's been outside in the city, like how pathetic is Vienna that unless she's going to be out with Jake she can't be bothered to explore San Francisco, and she confesses that she was pouting earlier, but she's all better now. Hey, you know what's lame? A 23-year-old woman pouting. And now SHE thinks she's the only one for Jake, and Ali's just a "bump in the road," and even though Jake clearly likes her, he'll have to make his own mistakes.
And then there's Chris Harrison, who we haven't seen nearly enough of this week, if only to have someone NORMAL on the television screen, coming in to get Jake so we can finally get around to eliminating someone this week instead of these bullshit no-rose dates. Only since there are only five women left there's still a little time to fill, so we're forced to listen to Jake recap what happened, and we see some "highlights" from the past two hours, only the clips are super gauzy, and I just wish this show would chop a half-hour or an hour once it gets down to the last few women since so much of it winds up being preview or recap. And it wraps up with Harrison asking what the worst thing is about eliminating one woman tonight. Is it that he doesn't get to eliminate all five? Jake says it's knowing that he's going to make one woman feel how he felt when Jillian let him go: "That memory is just burned into my mind." Wow, a Jillian reference! I do give credit to Jake for this: he has not constantly referred to having his "heart broken" like certain other bachelors and bachelorettes I could name. Jake does tell us he knows who he has to let go. "This rose ceremony is going to hurt," he says.
And now it's time for everyone's favorite part of the show (except for the credits): the rose ceremony! Hey, remember when Jake eliminated an extra woman last week? Good times. Jake comes out and blathers on about how tough this is: "My heart is just breaking right now." Each time a bachelor or bachelorette says that, a puppy dies.
Tenley gets the first rose. Ali gets the one, then Gia. Yay! So it's down to Vienna and Corrie. Jake stares at the floor while Harrison comes out to inform us all that it's the final rose. He takes a deep breath -- because this is SO HARD -- and says "Vienna."
Corrie hugs the other women, and then Jake walks her out. "I can't really ignore the fact that there was something missing. It just didn't feel right," he says, and then of course it's HER fault because she took so long to open up, and he was worried she'd never open up fully. Well, duh: she's saving that for her wedding night, Jake.
In the Break-Up Limo, she doesn't get it, and wonders about putting a wall up, and then she says she doesn't do well dating a guy who's dating other women at the same time. She's not the first woman who APPLIED TO GO ON THE BACHELOR to make such a monumentally dumb statement, and she's in all likelihood not going to be the last.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.
Watch highlights from the episodes now, if you just can't get enough of Jake and his dumb women.