By Daniel
"It's the reunion you won't want to miss!" Oh, you don't know me at all. Shut up, clip show. Ten seconds in and you're already putting me in a bad mood.
Chris Harrison comes out on stage to raucous Ryan-Seacrest-esque applause. He talks about Matt's long journey from London to find love. He also lies that this was one of the most talked-about seasons ever.
He welcomes the women back: Amy, Erin S., Stacey (fortunately, she appears sober), Erin H., Kelly (looking rather bemused), Carri, Michele R., Kristine, Michelle P., Holly, Robin (muted applause, which she notices), Marshana, Ashlee, Noelle (gets a loud cheer), and Amanda (louder cheer). Half these women I don't even remember. I mean kidnappers could have be holding my wife and daughter hostage, and if somehow the only way I would ever see them again would be if I picked the bachelorettes out of a photo array, then it would be, "So long, family." Isn't the fact that these women are here just more proof that no one involved with this show has any concept of what love and romance is all about? I thought about times in my life I was dumped by people I truly cared about. Then I tried to imagine being asked to appear on a television show with other guys this women had dumped, and all I could think was that I wouldn't be able to say "fuck you" quick enough or loud enough. I'm guessing that, given a lot of the women maintain a "who farted" face throughout and don't say two words (at least, not that we see) the words "contractual obligation" might be figuring in.
Chris asks Amanda what she thought of "tall, dark and handsome standing in the doorway" when she was the first one out of the limo, and she talks about being nervous and how she was worried about tripping, but it all worked out. Well, as far as "not tripping" goes, it did work out. Overall, though, I think Amanda might admit it could have gone better. As for Marshana, all she requires from a guy is that he's taller than she is, and that he's in great physical condition. Those are all she has. She's like a storybook fairy princess, isn't she? And she got way more than she asked for, she tells us. Like he has a job! And knows how to drive a car! (I'm just guessing. I guess it would be awesome to have such low expectations, because then everyone and everything always exceeds them.)
We revisit Stacey's profanity-laced drunken performance during the first party. Highlights include Stacey being called a whore to her face, and Stacey saying, "I'll fucking kill 'em all and their families," which they totally didn't broadcast the first time around, even though Marshana says Stacey was saying that all night long. We watch the whole panties-stuffing incident again, and then proceed to spend about ten times as long discussing it than anyone thought about it immediately after it actually happened.
Stacey says she's embarrassed, and blathers on about how that wasn't her, and that she's really "the sweetest girl," and the panties thing was just her way of making herself stand out from the other women. And we talk to about fifty million bachelorettes about what they thought of the whole thing and it goes on forever, and I can't believe no one said, "She passed out and was kicked out and then we forgot about it until now."
More "highlights" from the season, which eventually take on the "Robin is a total bitch because she attempted to win this competition" theme. Chris invites Robin to join him in the "hot seat" (i.e. "the seat to me") and she does. He notes that she seemed to have "the most difficult time" in the house, and she says it's because she's been hurt more often by women than by men, and adds she goes into super-hyperactive competitive mode when she's under pressure. While she speaks, she gets the stinkeye from absolutely every other bachelorette sitting off to the side, and not the usual "we all went through this together" happy camaraderie you sometimes see on panels of reality-show rejects. Robin calls it "one of the most lonely experiences of my life." Still no sympathy from the other women. Marshana weighs in, saying she felt Robin was "abrasive," which is kind of like Donald Trump calling someone "obnoxious." Amanda says Robin didn't have the right intentions, because viewing it as a competition was wrong, instead of viewing it as trying to find love. Marshana totally agrees, because the right intentions are to find a tall man in great physical condition, apparently. Kelly talks a little more smack about her. I bet Robin's glad she signed up for this even-more-pointless-than-usual special.
"Some people have called it 'the most dramatic fight in Bachelor history,'" says Chris. Well, if by "some people" you mean you, Chris, then I am forced to agree. We watch some Marshana-centric highlights, after which I defy anyone (especially her) to explain how her behavior was any less reprehensible or competitive than Robin's. She's now in the so-called hot seat talking to Chris, and she blathers about Robin and Chelsea, who were the main combatants in the most ridiculously over-hyped fight in reality-show history. Man, I remember that! Remember how everyone -- and I mean everyone -- at work the day couldn't stop talking about how that one chick said "walk off!" to that other chick? Bachelor fever swept the nation! "Condescending" and "disrespected" are among the complaints. When a couple of the other women cautiously point out that Marshana created a lot of the drama, Marshana shrugs and says she can handle drama. Robin's theory: "Not even!" and Marshana says, "Robin, you are dismissed." Amanda says the big-talking Marshana isn't really who she is, and she wishes Marshana would let people see the real her, and Marshana says a bunch of nonsense about how once people have an opinion of you, you can't change it.
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"Matt is clearly one of our best bachelors ever," says Chris, at which point I vomit all over my keyboard and I miss the five minutes or so whilst cleaning it up. Anyway, Amanda's up to rehash her part of this whole sorry affair. I like Amanda, I think Matt's an idiot for sending her home, and I give her an A-plus for calling Matt a douchebag last week (thankfully, that's in the highlight package). Amanda watches the clips, looking like she swallowed a bug. Given that she admitted to seeing herself as "Amanda Grant," I can understand why she still feels wounded. We watch the rose ceremony in which she gets shafted and tells him off. She's even prettier when she's pissed. I dig it.
Afterwards, she tells Chris the clips were hard to watch, because she felt like coming on this special would provide some answers, and instead she's even more confused. "You still seem hurt by this," says Chris, and Amanda wants to know why Matt never voiced any concerns he had about her, like he did with some of the other women. She actually thought it was a prank at first (when he let her go), and that he was getting her back for the hometown prank (Matt refers to this as "one of the greatest moments in Bachelor history," for which I assume there's just tons of competition).
But because things are getting too honest and serious, Chris kicks it to a clips package of Amanda getting her hiccups -- also known as the "meeps," for the sound she makes. This gets even more hilarious every time it's emphasized! Anyway, Chris promises the women will get some answers, because Matt Grant -- yes, the Matt Grant! What a lucky break he was available! -- will be sitting in the hot seat when they come back.
Sure enough, here comes Matt, his hair shorn to a quarter-inch buzz cut. Chris asks him "What's up with the hair? I like it," and says "David Beckham," and Matt thankfully ignores all of this, to talk about how nervous he was backstage, and then lies that the rejection aspect of the show was the hardest part, so it's nice to see that he's still doing his best to say whatever he thinks will make the women less mad at him.
As far as Amanda, he says with her it was always the word "like" being used, whereas with Chelsea and Shayne, the word "love" was being used (he says "Chelsea" first, pauses, and then adds "Shayne." Inadvertent spoiler? Or is he throwing people off the scent?). I find that interesting, because you cannot convince me that a bachelor on this show has any concept, based on this competition, what love actually is. Amanda says she wasn't at the "love" point yet (more points for Amanda) and Matt comes right out and says he just felt he had more of a chance finding true love with either Chelsea or Shayne.
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At some point Chris says, "I would be remiss if I didn't give Stacey the last word here," and Stacey whips out some giant pink granny panties and gives them to Matt, while everyone claps like seals looking for fish at Marineland, because if everyone already thinks you're a drunken skank, I guess there's nothing you can do but pile on and poke fun at yourself -- and thankfully, Stacey rather redeems herself. Lord knows I'd hate to have drunken footage of me broadcast across North America. But then again, I can't ever imagine signing on to a reality show. "I don't care what country you're from, that is hot," says Chris, echoing Matt's disgusted disapproval from that episode, a line he's obviously been waiting all night to bust out.
Then we watch a short montage of bloopers and clips of the women and Matt acting goofy. Any episode would have benefited from this stuff being included, like when Carrie said she is "sweet as sugar," but it sounds like "Swedish hooker." I mean, my God, this show just takes itself so seriously, and it really could stand to, as Matt might say, take the piss every now and then.
Before we head to commercial, Chris reveals that Matt is engaged: "I am with someone who, we just have a perfect match," says Matt (so I'm guess he married that Barbados turtle), and Chris says that coming back from commercial break, we'll get a "sneak peek" at who that might be, which means that the final nine minutes of the broadcast is taken up by commercials, old clips, and preview clips. But apparently this season ends with the most romantic proposal ever.
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