By Sars
Previously: Brad was the sexiest Bachelor ever. Solisa was tacky. Brad and Jenni kissed. Three women got the boot.
Tonight: Hillary is a horror show. Bettina got a divorce?! Oh my God, that tramp! …Not really, it's 2007 and no one cares. Also? Chad. Dun!
Oh, hi, Chris. What's up? Two group dates with one rose up for grabs on each? And one individual date? And if you don't get a rose on the individual date, you gots to pack your bags and hit the road? Sweet, thanks for the update.
After Chris bails, McCarten reads the list of names for the first group date, which is a trip to the circus. I happen to pause the DVR on Solisa rubber-facing over-enthusiastically about it, and so many "why bother, when a scary clown already lives among ye" jokes flood my head that I can't choose just one, so I'll just say this: the…circus? Really, The Bachelor? What's the other group date, pony rides and face-painting? A roller-skating party? …Actually, that sounds fun. Anyway, DeAnna and Lindsey talk about how the circus is awesome while the girls try on red foam noses and giant rainbow wigs.
In the limo, Brad warns the group-daters that it's a participation gig. Bradterview tells us that he really wants "to see their inner child [sic] come out." As the limo pulls up to the tent, there is a lot of screeching. Everyone goes "backstage," where an elephant is hanging out, and Sarah says the elephant looks friendly and asks the handler if it's "really outgoing." Yes, Sarah. The elephant is "really outgoing." It also enjoys French films, long walks on the beach, and spicy food -- what are you talking about? She and DeAnna feed the elephant. The elephant sneezes on Sarah. Aw, who's a good elephant? Then everyone heads up to the "luxury box," which looks like a Holiday Inn conference room inadequately dressed with confetti and balloons, but of course everyone oohs and aahs like it's the penthouse suite at the W.
Before the paying customers arrive, the girls do various circus-y things like balance on balls and walk the "high wire" (it's about three feet off the ground). Clowns help. Brad is fakely encouraging. Then clowns team-juggle pins in a sort of double-dutch formation around Brad, who's wearing a Sgt. Pepper jacket, and then around some of the girls. Everyone is having sooooo much fun! Jenni does a series of backflips, which is showoffy, but Brad is impressed, and Bradterviews about how he has great chemistry with Jenni and still gets "really nervous around" her. Aw.
Outside, Brad and Jenni talk about their kiss and how neither of them told anyone and it's a big deal to both of them. Jenni asks how he'd feel about doing something long-distance so she can finish out her Suns gig. Then there's a semantics discussion re: the difference between being "the last girl" and the girl Brad falls in love with, and Brad is maybe feeling kind of confused by the cart's position in front of the horse. But Brad VO says he's glad Jenni's thinking long-term; still, he's going to get to know each of the girls.
Snarky cut to Stephy saying she wants to marry someone like her dad. Hee. I mean, it's not creepy -- her reasoning is sound -- but…too soon. Brad is like, "No, that's fine," and pats her leg awkwardly. She segues from that winning topic into saying that she had a three-year relationship -- back in high school. And hasn't dated in five years. Stephy VO: He's swell! Brad's face: …Eesh.
Later, Sarah gauchely quizzes Brad on what he's going to do about the rose. Shut up, Sarah! He puts her off and tells them just to have a good time. Cut to McCarten looking disapproving and sporting a ridiculous tan line. Brad VO: I want the rose-receiver to really want the rose, and also to be the right woman.
Commercials. Brad informs the women that they're not just watching the circus; they're in it, too. Everyone's nervous and excited. A clown is forced to introduce Brad as "the sexiest Bachelor yet" -- after which, I'm sure, said clown ran away to un-join the circus. Brad and the girls come out to the center ring, Bradterview makes an unfortunate Titanic/"king of the world" reference, and Brad introduces the ringmaster; the ringmaster says someone's getting a rose by the end of the show.
Circus. Tumbling. Human pyramids. Clowning. Brad tags McCarten out to get to know her a little better. I hand a bowl of glass through the TV for Brad to eat instead, but for some reason this gesture is ignored; Brad asks if he's getting a friend vibe from McCarten, which she denies, and she gives a little speech about not needing the rose today to feel confident: "I'm not an insecure person." Obviously. Brad deems this "refreshing," but it's hard to say what he means by that -- he could just be relieved to hear that 1) she's not going to try that hard, so 2) he can justifiably neg her when the time comes.
Back at the house, Hillary receives a dress, which evidently means she's going on the individual date later. Hillary? Bitchy, dumb, too-obvious, not-cute Hillary? Did Brad confuse her with someone else? Oh, Brad. Bettina looks ill.
Circus. The girls have to put on fake hair and do a little dance. So does Brad. Then Brad gets the rose from a clown, and presents it to Stephy, which is mildly surprising…and not very romantic, since he has to yell over the ongoing circus-crowd noise to do it. She's excited and squealy. Clowns get shot out of cannons, which as imagery on a dating show goes is rather unfortunate.
Back from commercial, it's time for the one-on-one date with Hillary. She's nervous; we see her getting her hair done in a big old over-sprayed, crunchy, '80s-video-Medusa mess as she says she wants to neener-neener the other girls by getting the first kiss from Brad. Which is awesome, because Jenni already snagged it, plus I hate Hillary. Bradterview: I'm psyched for this date because Hillary always makes me laugh. Yeah, me too. In disbelief. Brad talks about the big surprise he has for Hillary. A poke in the eye with a sharp stick? …No? Dammit.
Inside, the rest of the girls greet him with a plaintive "hiiiiii." Enter Hillary in the dress she received earlier, a sequined black Krystle Carrington number that doesn't really do much for her. She's all "who me?" slumpy body language. Brad nicely says that he's at a loss for words, which is probably the truth -- I can see how the correct words, namely "mother," "of," "the," and "bride," might have escaped him. Shot of a few of the other girls pulling "…ew" faces on the couch. The surprise is a super-fancy necklace that looks like emeralds. Brad puts the necklace on her, and while I review and discard half a dozen jokes about pearls and swine, Lindsey flops around on the couch all "are you effing kidding me with this" and DeAnna VO is like, "Yeah, that sucked."
So, the date: San Francisco for the night, via private jet; dinner; "a few other surprises."
San Francisco B-Roll Cliché-O-Meter: 4 (Golden Gate, TransAmerica building, trolley car, Lombard Street). Hillary VO: I feel like a princess. Sars VO: Huh. Because you look like that time Miss Luboski from fourth-period PE had to chaperone the prom.
Romantic dinner suite. Profusions of white roses; champagne. Bradterview: Hillary is nice and sweet. Hillary talks about how she doesn't need expensive jewelry; she just wants the two of them to be "crazy in love." Brad: Wow, okay then. Hillary starts babbling about her serious side, which Brad says he's cool with, and I think he's sincere -- going on the show isn't the best idea he's ever had, most likely, but he seems like a good guy who tries not to hurt people's feelings and isn't a dick. Unfortunately, I can tell you from firsthand experience that, sometimes, coming across a truly nice man is so unexpected, and such a relief, that you may get overwhelmed and spazz off on him, and I don't like Hillary and I disagree strongly with most of her styling choices, but when her eyes fill up with tears and she's saying she's been ready for a long time to settle down, and she's getting emotional…been there. Had better hair, but: been there. Anyway, Brad feels bad, but Hillary gets a grip and says she's fine. Bradterview didn't expect that reaction from Hillary.
Back at the house, it's the date box, which actually looks like a date bongo. It's some sort of boating date. Sheena VOs about having a chance as the girls try on sailor hats.
…Oh, dear. Back in Frisco, Hillary's grip has somehow vanished; she's all melty makeup, apologizing for crying, and Brad is carefully wiping away her tears, which is pretty cute and also guaranteed to make her cry more. She's going on and on about wanting to get married and not expecting to meet someone like Brad, and then in her 'etterview, she's still crying and still talking about how she just wants to love someone who loves her for herself, and again, we've all felt that, but honey, if it's all close to the surface like that, you really really super extra need to not drink champagne on a date with the guy. Bubble therapy = bad. Hillary says she's sorry and manages to laugh at herself; Brad tells her not to apologize.
At the house, everyone's like, Hillary's got that shit in the bag -- kind of joking but not really. Then there's the time-honored "I'm not here to make friends" comment from McCarten, who is at least forthright enough to admit that she doesn't know Hillary very well and doesn't really want her to come back to the house. DeAnna seconds this in an 'etterview, and then back in the group, she says it again: "We're all here for the same guy; how hard is it to say you want her to go home?" Well, seriously.
Hillary is still crying. Now it's about how she's glad to have met Brad. Brad abruptly excuses himself, and as his VO says that the date isn't what he expected but he thinks Hillary has true feelings for him, he walks over and grabs the rose off the salver. Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad. She does have true feelings for you, to wit: 1) loneliness; 2) desperation. He tells her he likes that she showed "real emotion," and she accepts the rose. Then they go to the Ghirardelli chocolate "factory," and they're making sundaes, I think, and Brad's like, "Sprinkles?" and she's like, "We call them jimmies," which is one very tiny cool thing that I could say about Hillary, that she calls them "jimmies." Hillaryterview: I wanna kiss him so bad! Brad tells her she looks beautiful, and now that she's cried off some of her makeup, she does look prettier. They kiss. It doesn't look all that hot, but it's hard to tell because her big overdone hair is hiding most of it from view. Hillaryterview: I'm falling in love with him. Sars: Shut up, Hillary.
Boating date. Bradterview: Hillary's great, but I need to give these other "ladies" a chance. It cracks me up that he always calls them "ladies." I mean, not so much, clearly, but also it's like calling jeans "dungarees." Brad puts on the sailor hat from the date box. Sheena talks about the boat, zzzz.
Boat. Seals. Bettina worries about Brad having a stronger connection with another woman. Kristy and Brad goof off at the wheel and she talks about how the whole situation is throwing her more than she thought it would. Brad puts an arm around her. Bradterview: It's like talking to a friend…a friend with boobies! (He's less tacky about it than that.)
Now everyone's dancing. Brad has his shirt off. Solisa gives Brad a lap dance, which consists mostly of straddling him and then vibrating her butt against his chest. As she admits, "It's the only thing I know how to do." That, and give American Eagle a product placement via that close-up on your bum.
Back at the house, Hillary passive-aggressives, "Raise your hands if you wanted me to come back last night." Oh, please. You got the rose; don't expect everyone to love you, too. A few of the others raise their hands. Hillary 'etterviews that DeAnna and a couple others are catty bitches, so she's going to tell them she and Brad Did It. They're like, yeah right. She keeps "joking" around about it, and they're like, har har, and it's needy and rude and a shitty read of the room and I'm back to hating her again.
Boating date. Jet-skiing. Sheena decides to show Brad the competitive side of her, which is a questionable decision, not least because the Coast Guard comes over and yells at them for horsing around. Sheena sulks in the back of the boat.
Bettina: We have sparks. She uses the word "turn-on," ew. Jade makes a bitchy comment about Brad doing a donut and throwing Bettina off the jet-ski, then claims it's nothing personal: "All's fair in love and war." Bettinaview: "That's where I fell in love, was on a Waverunner." Jesus. Yeah, he's cute, but: throttle down, missy.
Inside, Brad and Bettina have some quiet time. Brad likes her "windblown look." He's attracted to her and she's sweet, but he wants to make sure it's real. Bettinaview: Family is important to Brad, and "he doesn't believe in divorce." I don't think he's ever said that; nobody is psyched about divorce, obviously, but let's not make it out like you did time or are actually a dude. Brad asks about boyfriends, and after so much stammering and fidgeting that I start to think maybe she is going to whip out a Betti-nis, she admits to the divorce. Brad is shocked, both in person and in a Bradterview, probably because she made such a BFD about it.
Bradterview: Chad will see through their shit. This isn't a job Brad should delegate under the circumstances, in my opinion, but let's just get this over with. No such luck; we have to hear about how Brad identified Chad's then-future wife and got them together. That's nice. In the limo, Brad says he's not out to deceive anyone, but at the same time, if one of the girls tells Chad that she loves him -- i.e., Brad -- "isn't that a problem?" Well, you're…on The Bachelor, so if the word "love" is getting thrown around at all, you've got a whole laundry list of fallacies in line ahead of that one, but…fair enough. Brad quizzes Chad on the girls' vitals.
Commercials, then Brad tells Chad again that Chad is responsible for separating the wheat from the blind -- er, "chaff." Brad will watch on a monitor in the limo while Chad bumbles through a charade the Three's Company writers would have rejected as too unbelievable.
Here we go. First up is McCarten. She's not really getting it, although Chad even sounds noticeably different from Brad. I suppose I have an advantage, having seen them together, plus she's nervous, and also Chad is really trying not to look straight at her and get busted, but it still seems really obvious to me. McCarten rambles on about being herself. In the limo, Brad is bummed. Chad starts laughing; McCarten gives him the side-eye, but says nothing, and Chad abruptly excuses himself to go talk to…
…Lindsey. Small talk. Lindsey quizzes him on how long he wants to be engaged for; I feel like she's totally onto him from the jump, for some reason, but it's probably just that the producers told her to ask some pressure-y question. Chad parries. Lindsey asks if he likes outdoorsy activities. He says he does, but then makes another hasty exit, which gets a raised eyebrow from Brad -- and should be getting raised brows from the girls, since Brad himself is ultra-smooth with the transitions. Brad VO: It'll "break my heart" if none of the women figures it out.
Sheena's . She jokes about the awkwardness, but as soon as he sits down, she senses something off. Chad's not admitting anything, but Sheena notices that his voice is different. In the limo, Brad's all excited: "She knows!" Oh, Brad. The whole thing is so dumb, and yet the fact that he's thrilled that someone finally put it together is sweet, in a weird way. Chad fesses up. Sheena passes on a message, somewhat tearily: she likes Brad, and "I pay attention. To him. And you don't have the weird little patch of blond hair on the ear, that he has." Brad: Hee. Sars: Aw!
Kristy's . She's holding her rose. A marching-band-y drum beat plays as Brad mutters intensely, "Come on, Kristy," like she's flying a solo mission into enemy territory. Which she is, in a way. …Mission accomplished: Chad hasn't even emerged from the poolside shadows before Kristy squawks, "You are not Brad!" Brad: "Wow!"
Bettina's . They hug. Chad thinks he's got her, but she frowns and says, "It's not you." Chad: You know, long day. Bettina: Bzzzt! You're a twin.
Chad's victims are DeAnna and Stephy, who also spot him right off. Stephterview: "Okay, either Brad's wearing dentures…or I'm really drunk." Ha! Love her.
Brad VO: Sarah will totally get this right away, I know it. Sarah…does not. She does think he looks different, but accepts his "I'm just stressed out" excuse. She goes on to say that he seems "more laid back" than at the last Rose Ceremony; in the limo, Brad's face falls as she still doesn't catch the snap. Sarah 'etterview: That was weird.
Recap in the driveway, although we didn't see Chad with all the girls. Inside, McCarten talks about Brad's changed personality, and Kristy makes a "…suckah!" face. Enter Chris, Brad in tow, to talk about how Brad "hasn't exactly been himself" this evening. "There's a reason for that." Chad comes in, and the screaming starts, with Sarah looking mostly amused at the stunt, McCarten staring at them like they're sideshow freaks, and Hillary falling out laughing. Shot of Chad, grinning, and then Brad, looking like someone killed his puppy, as Chris explains that this was a test. Sarah: "No!" Lindsey realizes she's burnt. DeAnna 'etterviews that she hopes having spotted Chad improves her chances, as we see shots of various girls looking afraid. Sheena seconds DeAnna. Lindsey is deluded about her shot at a rose.
Commercials, then Chris debriefs the twins. Chad says he did this for the right reasons. We review the girls who did spot Chad; Brad appreciates their attention to detail. As for those who didn't, Chad thinks Sarah was genuinely interested in/listening to "Brad" even if she didn't catch on, and that McCarten would have figured it out if she'd had a little more time.
Now it's time to talk about how tough a decision the Rose Ceremony is, and Chad is escorted out so that Brad can brood about his choice and repeat things he's already said about Chad 48 times. "I care about each one of these ladies."
Ads. Chris. Three have roses already -- Hillary, Stephy, and Kristy -- and six more will get roses now. Brad in, Chris out, Brad talks about Chad, he's going with his heart, wah wah, let's do it. Accepting roses: Sheena. McCarten (…Brad! She's bitchy, she didn't know Chad wasn't you, and she doesn't know how to use a straightening iron! Come on!). Jenni (wearing a weird toga-y dress). Jade (dammit, I thought barely seeing her in this ep meant she'd get punted; guess the producers reeeeeally want conflict). DeAnna.
Hey, Chris. Could you maybe tell me how many roses are le-- oh, just one. Thanks for the tip. Final rose goes to…Bettina. Oh, good.
Out: Sarah, who has "no idea what went wrong," but senses it's "the twin thing." Solisa, who's weepy and says the phrase "special parts" way too many times. Lindsey, who I kind of liked. "I'm not gonna sit there and cry over something that was not there," she says, bows her head, and walks off camera…to cry. The camera meanly follows her, giving her the opportunity to wax overinvested about having a house and kids and loving "someone," blah blah.
Inside, Brad toasts to happiness.
time: more smooching with Jenni, Hillary is bitter, Kristy cries, and it's a rose face-off between Jade and DeAnna.
Poolside outtakes with Hillary and Jade, who call McCarten "McNasty" (co-signed!) and DeAnna "McSkanky" (um, have ya met Solisa? Or…yourselves?). Hillary jus' jellus, y'all.