This season is only starting this very second but Chris Harrison tells us this is already one of the most shocking seasons in Bachelor history, because Brad Womack once upon a time told a couple of women that he didn't want to marry them. And then this Brad Womack guy tells us that after he sent the women off in the limousine, everything came crashing down like a ton of bricks, because he was alone.
And then he went back to his home in Hell or wherever he is from, and says that he only blames himself for being alone, and he watched the finale and says he looked like a jerk. And he tells us he has panic attacks, and he read all the blogs that called him "self-righteous" and "immature" and all sorts of other things that I guess we're all supposed to feel bad about nailing. "It solidified all of those doubts, and I hit rock bottom," he tells us. "Rock bottom" in this instance means sitting by a waterfall and staring soulfully into the middle distance.
And now he is walking down the street with his hands tucked into the front pocket of his jeans, and he says he wasn't able to work, and then he found an incredible therapist who I imagine told him to grow the fuck up. Oh, wait, he's blaming his dad. "My father let me down more times than I can count. And hell yes, it makes me closed off," he says. Yeah, the guy going on this show inexplicably watched by millions of people, FOR THE SECOND TIME, is telling us how closed off he is. He doesn't know if he's ever let someone know the real him, the real him who leans, shirtless, on railings and balconies. "All that tough guy stuff is just a façade, except my trapezoid muscles are stellar," he says, and then he says he wants to prove to everyone, and himself, that he's changed.
And then he's visiting his brothers' families, who have amazing lives despite not going on The Bachelor. And then Brad's brother Wes is saying that we're going to see a different Brad, and Pamela, Brad's mother, says Brad wants the same thing his brothers have, which does not appear to mean a proper razor. And then Brad's therapist is telling us a bunch of bullshit about stuff while Brad stares at the camera.
And now Brad is moving into the Bachelor mansion and he is saying things about being excited and soul-searching and good news! He's ready to fall in love, and also scramble up mountains and jump-rope and do pushups and run along the beach and jump out of swimming pools. "I want to let a woman in, and I'm ready, more now than ever, to fall in love and find my wife," he says.
And now Brad is showering for our benefit and getting dressed and telling us about the three years he spent in therapy and how his biggest fear is that the awful women that this terrible show has selected to try to form an unholy union with this two-time loser won't believe he's changed, or whatever.
And now Chris Harrison tells us that he knows a lot of us are skeptical about Brad, and I hate to tell Chris Harrison but the Bachelor audience is skeptical about an awful lot of things. And now he is telling us that there are a bunch of women who have traveled from across the country to give Brad a second chance. I like Chris Harrison, generally, even though he constantly looks me in the face and lies his ass off like this.
And here is Ashley H., a cute dentist from Philadelphia who is apparently so desperate for love that she's hitting on a statue of Benjamin Franklin, and she thinks she's an artist because she's a dentist, and now she is prying into the love life of one of her patients who I hope, at the very least, didn't have to pay for this intrusive visit, and then she tells us she likes to have fun, and then she utters the phrase "shaking my groove thing" which caused me to have a seizure. Then I think she promised to blow Brad, but don't quote me on that.
And then there is Shawntel N., and I hope that the initial for her last name doesn't mean that more than one contestant spells her name that way, and she's a funeral director from Chico, CA, and the show plays some cut-rate B-movie horror show music because that's just how much respect it has for the dead, and then she tells us about being placed in the mausoleum when she's dead, just like her parents, and maybe Brad will be too someday, and we can only hope that this occurs some time over the course of the few weeks.
And then we are in New York City, which is apparently where the Statue of Liberty is, and Ashley S. is a nanny, and Jesus Christ I can't believe that we're only on our third contestant and already two of them are named Ashley, who is telling us that she's a "sweet Southern girl" by which I imagine she means she thinks women in New York City are whores. She is "ready for love," which is a nice change. And then she tells us a sad story about her dad falling into a coma and dying of a brain hemorrhage, and she is going to delude herself into thinking that her dad would want her to appear on this show.
And we have Chantal O. from Seattle who is an "executive assistant" but it looks to me like she sells cars, in a dealership owned by Daddy. I think she's really cute. She got divorced last year from a guy who she'd been with for ten years, and she's not good at dating, because she doesn't like all the games that get played. How fucking stupid does a person have to be to go on The Bachelor and then tell us she hates all the gameplaying that goes on when you're dating someone?
And there is Michelle, a hairstylist from Salt Lake City who horrifyingly asks her confused daughter for help finding a husband. She is ready to get married. Since she's in Salt Lake City, I assume she means "again." She says, "I'm doing this for both of us." What? Getting married? Working out? Getting implants? She's the first one to tell us about how other women are intimidated by her, which generally means "other women don't like it when I'm horrible to them." And then she says something about how this guy doesn't know it yet, but she's his wife. Well, at least we know she's crazy. You may notice that despite Harrison telling us women are dying to give Brad a second chance, none of these women mention Brad by name. BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA THE BACHELOR IS GOING TO BE BRAD.
And we're on to Raichel, from Fullterto, CA, and she is waxing guys' backs and crotches and she describes herself as a "manscaper" so that's all we really need to hear from Raichel.
Meghan of New York City is a "fashion marketer" and then she draws a comparison between finding a husband and shopping for shoes that manages to demean all of humanity.
up is Madison, who is a model from Brooklyn, who, like Michelle, defines herself by overestimating how much other women think about her. In this case, she thinks other women describe her as "mysterious" and "adventurous" and she tells us that ever since she was a little girl, which is clearly like two years ago, she has had a "vampire thing" and so apparently she is going to pretend that she is a fucking vampire, and at this point I have to assume that this show's producers sat in a boardroom and looked at the applicants and said, "Let's find contestants who can only make this show even more excruciating to watch." She actually wears fangs and has a remarkably low understanding of how not-interesting everyone actually thinks she is.
Emily is a "children's hospital event planner" from Charlotte. She can plan events only if they include children in hospitals, I guess. She tells us she's had an extraordinary love story: met the love of her life at 15, got engaged at 19. He was a racecar driver, so I think we all know where this is going. Hey, remember how this show thinks its audience is made up of complete morons (in its defence, not entirely without reason)? For the footage of her racecar driving lover, they throw all kinds of dust and scratches and stuff all over the film, like it's a silent movie from the goddamn '20s or something. Anyway, he died in a plane crash en route to a race, and she wanted more than anything to have been on
the plane too. So her extraordinary love story is this: I loved someone. Then he died. But wait, there's more! The following Friday, she found out she was pregnant. "I could not have been happier," she tells us. Really? Not even a little bit in the days following your fiancé's death? And now she has this perfect daughter who makes her the happiest person in the world, except for the part about not being married to someone, anyone.Lacey is an insurance agent from Tampa who is about to meet The Bachelor, and she's so excited that either she always watches this show or she has never seen this show. And we get a montage of women doing various things, like makeup, meditation and situps, to let this stranger know how marriageable they are. Mostly makeup. Some annoying woman says her advice to the other women is "don't mess with me."
Chris Harrison, whose capacity to choke back the bile in his throat must out of necessity grow every season, tells us he expects that these awful women will have some "tough questions" for Brad. Yeah, they'll be so tough on him that they'll all instantly decide to drop out of the show.
Brad pulls up in his limo, and Chris tells him it's good to see him. "I'm a little nervous," he says, and Chris jokes that Brad might have to leave the country if this doesn't go well. If only. They sit down for a chat, and Brad tells Chris he feels like "the luckiest guy in the planet," and Chris uses Brad's douchebagginess and need for fame as proof that Brad really believes in this stupid show, and then Brad talks about the self-analysis he went through. "I'm not embarrassed to admit it, it took some pretty intensive therapy," he says, and then he blames his dad again and talks about his trust and commitment issues, which I can't imagine is really selling this show's non-ironic audience on his suitability as husband material.
And now these two bozos are talking about letting people in and Brad's tough-guy façade and being a changed man, and now Brad is magnanimously saying he understands why Jenny and DeAnna were hurt, which is big of him, and he apologizes to them. Only Harrison has a big surprise for him: DeAnna and Jenni are here tonight! Wow, they were available? Isn't DeAnna busy being married after her run on The Bachelorette? Brad immediately looks uncomfortable. "Now I feel like even more of a idiot," he says. On this show, you can always go lower.
Back from commercial, we actually go BACK IN TIME to replay Harrison's announcement that this two women are here, in case we forgot this part. They both hug him, either because they're stupid or because they want to show him how much he didn't affect them. Or both. Then everybody sits down and there's all kinds of awkwardness, and Jenni says she hasn't seen Brad since "After the Final Rose," which means she's just like EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA UNTIL NOW, and she talks about moving on. And now Brad is talking about how sorry he is, and DeAnna isn't saying anything, and I seem to remember her never shutting up about Brad when I recapped that season.
Jenni talks about how embarrassed she was for not getting a marriage proposal on television from a douchebag. DeAnna tells a lot of crap about how she doesn't let a lot of people in, so the final day was brutal because of how much she trusted Brad, and what a learning experience it was, whatever that means. Brad says this show is a "new beginning" for him and he wouldn't be here if he wasn't a changed man. Harrison asks the women if they buy that. DeAnna says it's a concern of hers, because Brad's relationship with thirty famewhores is her business for some reason. Jenni says she thinks when the women find out Brad is the bachelor, their guards are going to go right up. Once more: THEY'RE GOING ON THE BACHELOR.
The camera shows a closeup of Jenni's engagement ring while DeAnna prattles on about how skeptical she is about Brad but she hopes he finds something as awesome as she and Jenni have found. DeAnna and Jenni are marrying each other? That's kind of hot.
And now Harrison and Brad are ready to greet the arriving women, and Chris says it's the first time that an idiot like Brad has done this for the second time, and he says it like it's a historical event like man walking on the moon, and then, "friend to friend," he offers this advice: "Don't screw it up." You mean "again," right?
Here come the limos, the part of the season premiere that always makes this show seem about four hours long. And the first limo arrives, and of course the dingbats in the back all recognize Womack, and Chantal O. gets out and says she has something for Brad, and she slaps him, as good-naturedly as you can slap a guy, and she says it's "from every woman in America," only she forgot to add "who sadly gives a shit about you," which is a far smaller group, and Brad doesn't have much option but to be a good sport about it. This would have been much more interesting if it hadn't been shown about fifty times already during previews. He says he deserves it and he likes her better already. Hear that? Brad's into it!
Kimberly, marketing coordinator, Charlotte. Blonde, cleavage, has "serious questions and concerns." Alli, "apparel merchant" from Columbus. So excited to meet Brad. More than willing to give him a second chance, surprise surprise. Ashley the nanny. "Aren't you a tall drink of water," she says. She's not going to hate on him, and she kisses him on the cheek. Jesus, Brad could be Hitler for all these idiots care. She wants to flirt with him some more, and then she grabs his ass. She is clearly drunk.
Meghan the fashion marketer from New York, instantly invalidating her resume by wearing awful ugly pink shoes, which Brad says he loves. She admits to watching his season, which is an awful thing to admit to. Inside, the women talk about Brad's season with an expertise and a knowledge base that I can only imagine they'd bring to talking about the midterm U.S. elections or exit strategies in Afghanistan.
Marissa, a sports publicist from Kissimmee, asks if he's ready for this. He thinks she's going to hit him, but she just wants to know if he's ready to be with someone whose life completely revolves around sports, because NO WOMEN LIKE SPORTS, AMIRITE? and he says, "I love you." Because he is a moron and has fallen for this. Lindsay is a Grade 1 teacher from Plano. "You're back," she says. Then she shakes her breasts at him. Ashley the artist dentist is a hugger, and he calls her beautiful, and she says "welcome back" and hopes he's ready to answer a lot of questions over and over again and she hopes the second time's the charm.
Raichel the manscaper -- no, fuck that. I'm not writing about someone who willingly lists her job description as "manscaper." On the other hand, she is pretty.
Oh, god, it's Madison the vampire model (music turns creepy). She has her fangs in. "You look delicious," she says, and he does not remark on the fangs despite her baring them at him, and he says "Nice name," instead of "nice trendy name" and how weird is it that in fifty years there are going to be kids who have women named "Madison" for grandmothers?
Now Melissa, a waitress from Lake Worth, throws herself into Brad's arms. Playing hard to get, I see. She says she didn't watch Brad's season, which I'm going to assume is a lie. Renee is a nanny from Palos Hills, Illinois (or, as she puts it, "outside Chicago"). I hope she and Ashley don't talk shop all season. She tells Brad that she's excited to meet him.
Here is Cristy, an attorney from Ft. Lauderdale, putting a definitive entry in the "Yeah, That's Actually a Real Job" side of the bachelorettes' career tally. She says she doesn't know that much about him, so she's excited to know what all the fuss is about. Jackie is an artist from New York in a yellow dress who asks him to "pinky swear" that he won't break her heart, and he makes her pinky swear that SHE won't break HIS, and I pinky swear that I will murder the both of them if they don't shut up.
Sarah P. is a real estate brok
er from Denver. She makes him propose to her right then and there, which is ... supposed to be funny?We're at the halfway mark, and Harrison slinks up to ask if he's surprised at how many of the women are questioning his sincerity. "Surprised? No. Disappointed in myself? Yes," says Brad. Jesus, we get it, Brad. You're sorry.
They are still talking about it after the commercial break, with Brad hoping that they get to know him.
The limousine contains Lacey. I think she is from Tampa, but I can't tell you if she has a real job or a fake one because Citytv really wants everyone to know that Cougar Town is on at 9:30 on Wednesday. "I know about you already," she says, and then she wants to know if he's in this for the right reasons. Amusingly, he seems somewhat sick of the questions already.
Here comes Lauren, a high school teacher from Arlington. "I've heard all about you," she says, and he groans, wanting to hear from someone willing to give him a chance. Jesus Christ, even the women who know who you are have said they'll give you a chance, you crybaby. Lisa P. is a sales consultant from NYC, who asks for advice since he's been through this before. "Be yourself," he says. Yeah, what if you're an asshole? Shawntel the funeral director totters nervously on her high heels and tells him he smells great and looks good, and he tells her she does too, and it's a total mutual admiration society.
And then the limo window rolls down a crack and a hand beckons him over, which is immediately aggravating, and he goes over and opens the door, and of course it's someone named Britney, only of course she spells it "Britnee," and she's a paralegal from Holland, Pa., and my annoyance at her insistence on chivalrous men is mitigated somewhat by the rash of freckles across the bridge of her nose, which just does it for me somehow.
up is Stacey, a bartender from Boston, who says she doesn't know who he is, which he says is great news for him. Jill is a sales director from Frisco, Texas, who tells him right off that she's ready to get married, so they'll have to talk inside. Lisa M. is a marketing coordinator from Ottawa, Kansas. There's an Ottawa, Kansas? You have to understand that I'm a Canadian, so the capital of my country is Ottawa. Try to imagine a tiny town called Washington, Prince Edward Island, and you'll understand how weird that seems to me. Anyway, she is wearing ruby slippers because she is from Kansas and there is no place like home, and nothing interesting about herself that she can talk about instead of a movie (oh, OK, a book) that's about 300 years old.
And now here's Rebecca, an esthetician from Mission Viejo, CA, whose grandmother told her to kiss a lot of frogs before she meets her Prince Charming, and then she kisses him, which I guess means she thinks he is a frog.
And now here's "J", who is an operations manager from Seattle. Is that her name? Is she in witness protection? So many questions I don't actually give a shit about getting answered! She doesn't hug him right off the bat, so he asks if he can hug her, which is kind of weird. She tells him it's her birthday today, so once he gets in there the party's going to start.
Another limousine pulls up, and the first woman out, "Keltie," from Hollywood, kicks her leg up because she's a Radio City Rockette. You know, it's not like the dentist filled a cavity in Brad's mouth. Stop trying so hard. Christ. He lies and tells her it's a beautiful name. And she promises to teach him to kick like she can or whatever.
Sarah L. is a "musical theatre performer" from Saginaw with a plunging neckline. You know, anyone can show cleavage, and most do, but Sarah L. here is bringing her A-game. She tells him a random fact about herself: she can't snap her fingers, which is seriously fascinating.
Then we have the children's hospital event planner, which I continue to find hilarious. Maybe the other occupations should be more specific! "I'm a Les Miserables actor." Again, he has to ask for a hug. She's one of the people who says she's glad it's him, because I guess she didn't want the Bachelor to be a non-asshole.
Here comes Britt, a food writer from Woodinville, Wash. She's also a chef, and she's been told that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so she gives him a little bag of food. And here comes Michelle the hair stylist who says Brad is exactly who she wanted to see. Really? You're telling us that, even though there's never been a repeat Bachelor, when you were riding in the limousine you thought to yourself, "You know, I hope it's Brad Womack, the guy who didn't give a proposal to either of his final two"? You are LYING. "You are my first pick!" she says. More lies!
Then Chris Harrison comes out to talk to Brad, who talks about how undeserving he is to have all these beautiful women here. Harrison asks if his wife is among them, and Brad says she "absolutely" is.
Cocktail party! The woman are skeptical, despite Brad being "smoking hot." "If he doesn't get a wife this time, he's going to have to go in a cave," says ... look, it's not like I'm going to know their names already. Let's just say it's "Keltie," because who knows how long I'll get to mock that name?
Outside, Harrison and Brad are flirting with each other while they talk about the first-impression rose, and then Womack heads inside to the cheers and toasts of the bubbleheads inside. For some reason, being greeted by unconditional adulation makes him nervous. He thanks them for being here, and then he rehashes the beaten-dead-horse of his season, and assures them that he wouldn't put himself or them through this if he weren't here for "the right reasons," and the constant abuse of that phrase has ruined an otherwise amazing Jayhawks song for me. And he gives all of them the chance to leave if they're doubtful of him and of course no one does because we have the usual gang of idiots competing. And then he leads the women in a toast, and we get yet another woman expressing her skepticism, and then another.
And then there is a woman making crazy eyes at him as she tries to make him promise that he's not going to break her heart or whatever, and he says something about a "life lesson," and then there are women talking about whether he is ready to commit, and now he says "soul-searching" again, and this is unbelievably tedious. It's the same stuff over and over and over again in an endless loop. It's kind of like a montage in a movie of events that happen over several months, only this is just the same cocktail party. The overall impression is that this show is trying to beat its audience into submission. Brad tells us that the women are not pulling a single punch. Yeah, it's like the fucking Nuremberg trials in there, you poor baby. He whines about being through the wringer and how he's terrified, and it takes a million years before we get a commercial break.
And now Ashley S. is saying that if he needs a friend, she's there for him, which is a refreshing change from how the women usually tell the Bachelor that if he needs to talk to someone he's on his own.
And then the manscaper has brought some hot wax that she spreads on his arm and yanks his hair off, and if she doesn't go home tonight then I categorically refuse to weecap any more episodes until she's gone. He asks what the most unusual things she's waxed are, like HOW MANY OPTIONS DOES HE THINK THERE ARE, and then she says the words "booty" and "undercarriage," and at this point you wish the Bachelor could give out "Worst Impression" roses during the first cocktail party and send people home immediately. In an interview, he talks about how badly he doesn't want his package waxed.
And now Jackie is talking about how sexy Brad is, and she sits down with him and tells him that she loves to sing, and she is too drunk to sing a real song, so she makes up some awful song about Brad and she rhymes "say" with "away" which is some kind of genius.
And now the women talk about how "real" everything is getting. This is a conversa
tion that will happen at least twice an episode in every episode for the rest of the season.And then Alli and her massive breasts actually sticks her arse in Brad's face, much to the other women's horror, as she tells him that she was broken up with by a guy who wanted a smaller ass.
And then Alli interrupts another woman's conversation with Brad (in Alli's defence, the other idiot was pointing out, as proof of her sense of humour, the fact that she wasn't wearing shoes). And then the shoeless comedian, who is Renée, tries to steal him back, but Renée and Alli are both interrupted by another woman, while Renée makes sad faces, at least until Brad gives her five more seconds before she's interrupted again, at which point she says she's better than all the other women here, only she calls the other women a word that needs to be bleeped out.
Emily is scared to death that she's not getting a rose. She should sit tight until the portion of the show where the rose hinges on planning an event for a children's hospital; she'll do just fine. She sits down with Brad and talks about how she has a great job and a home and a family, but she doesn't have someone regularly putting a penis inside her. She doesn't say it all exactly like that. Brad calls her a "quintessential Southern belle" who is there for the right reasons.
Madison sits down with Brad, and he finally asks her about the fangs, which may actually be her real teeth filed down. "If that's her deal, great. If that's a joke, get ride of it," he tells us. Yeah! If you're really a vampire, that's great! If not, get lost! Moron. To his credit, he tells her to her face that he gets the impression that she thinks this is all just a game. That wipes the "mysterious" and "adventurous" smile off her face and she tells him she really does want to be here. Michelle tells us she's concerned by Madison's fangs, because the woman actually carved fangs into her teeth. This may be the most sensible thing anyone has ever said on this show ever. And then she goes and ruins it by talking about how there are a lot of "little girls" around but she's a woman.
She sits down with him and tells him she respects the decision he made on his first season. Then she tells him that she is a woman, not a little girl. Again with that. "Don't worry about committing child rape with me!" She tells him about her daughter, and I kind of like that seemingly half the women this season already have children, because I hope it means we avoid the standard episode where the one contestant with a child has to summon all her courage to tell the bachelor that she has had sex at least one time before, the time that produced the child she has. Brad talks about how awesome it is to be an uncle. "Brad's reaction to me having a daughter was really, really amazing," Michelle tells us, because he didn't cast her out and shun her for having a daughter, I suppose.
It's time to give the first impression rose, and Brad gives it not to any of the amazing women who he thinks it's so amazing that they have children already or the woman who amazingly has fangs or the amazing Southern belle, but to Ashley. Michelle says it's kind of making her sick that she's not getting the first impression rose.
Brad tells Ashley that she's getting the rose because she told him she'd be his friend, which is what he wants in a wife. "I love a good love story, and I feel like this is the perfect fairy tale," she says. Ugh. Any woman who sounds like she's still clinging to the Disney princess mentality that they should have left behind by junior high loses a million points from me.
And now Brad talks about how rough the going was at first, but now he feels like these women, these shrewd and unforgiving women, are willing to forgive him for the fact that he didn't propose to women he didn't want to marry.
And from here we go to the first rose ceremony. "This is where it gets a little tough," says Harrison. No, this is where it gets a little awesome, where boring women get cut and then get caustic.
Brad comes out and thanks all of them for at least hearing him out, and blah blah blah. Down to the roses: Michelle. Remember, she's a woman, not a little girl. Kimberly. I've already forgotten who this person is. Madison the vampire. Because even though she's crazy, he'll have the best overnight date with her ever. Emily the children's hospital event planner. Raichel the goddamn manscaper. Keltie the Rockette. Ashley H. Meghan the ... I want to say fashion marketer? I enjoy the way the women's smiles falter with each name called that isn't their own. Lisa M. I swear this is the first time we've seen her. Lindsay, the redhead in a red dress. I forget what she does but she looks like a maneater. Alli. Brad likes big butts and he cannot lie. All you other brothers can't deny. Sarah P. "That's me," says Sarah P., in case any of the other women forgot their own names. Then there's Merissa? Melissa? Have they added women since the limousines pulled up? I don't know who any of these people are. Britt. Stacey. Shawntel N. I do not want to have to spell that for too many more weeks. Jackie. And now there is a Melissa, and now there's just one more rose left, and the tension is really building among all these women who we have no idea who they are. And then he gives the rose to Chantal O., which is the woman who slapped him. "I guess I deserved that, right?" she says, and weirdly I think she's referring not to the rose itself but to his long drawn-out pause before saying her name. What exactly did she deserve other than to be cut from the show the second she hit Brad? And if the show wouldn't do it, Brad really needed to have a little more balls and cut her himself.
Anyway, Harrison comes out to tell the non-rose-receiving losers to say their goodbyes, and everyone stiffly hugs one another, as well as Brad. Lauren the high school teacher tells us, kind of amusingly, that you have to take "leaps of faith," and that this one didn't work out, which pisses her off. Doesn't resigning yourself to taking "leaps of faith" also require an acceptance of the fact that it might not work out? Go home, Lauren. Go teach your students useful stuff instead of anything that might cause them to wind up on The Bachelor.
And Britnee has no clue why he didn't pick her, what with her "giving 110%" and all. And she starts to cry. I feel incredibly awful for the women who pin their hopes on The Bachelor, which produces fewer marriages than, Jesus, World of Warcraft, to such a degree that they cry on the first night.
And now Lisa P., whoever that is, says she guesses Brad wasn't where she was, or something. She's going to find someone, and ... oh, now she's crying. Lisa P., you're way better off!
Inside, Brad says he knows his wife is in this group, but they're going to have a hell of a ride getting there. And then they toast, and then we launch into the sole redeeming aspect of the season premiere: the final ten minutes consist of "coming up this season on The Bachelor!" scenes that I categorically refuse/don't need to recap! I mean, really, none of it is anything that NEEDS to be recapped, in the grand scheme of things. Can I go now? Yeah, Seal is singing "Kiss From a Rose." I definitely need to call it a night.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He maintains the only thing Brad Womack has to answer for is being responsible for a season of The Bachelorette centred around DeAnna Pappas. Follow him on Twitter, or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.