We watch some -- well, "highlights" isn't the right word -- of his relationships with the three remaining women: Chantal, Ashley and Emily. He has some concerns over Chantal, mainly that she cries all the goddamn time, and he uses the word "rollercoaster" for the second time less than five minutes into the episode.
And then there's Ashley, with whom he can be himself, which is almost like "magic" for some reason. "We're falling hard for each other," he says, but they've had some "speed bumps" like the fact that when we listen to them talk they seem so brain-dead it's frankly amazing that the two of them are both able to breathe unassisted. He doesn't know where her heart is, and that scares him "a little bit."
Emily is "one in a million," he says, by which he means there are almost 7,000 Emilys worldwide. "I want to find a truly sweet woman to spend my life with, and Emily is that woman," he says, and then talks about how intimidated he is by the fact that a) her love died, and b) she's a mother. I think he should add c) that Brad seems like a big baby about a whole lot of things that any grown man Brad's age should have figured out by now. Anyway, he hopes coming to South Africa will give him the clarity that he needs.
You know, I really could watch just two hours of animal clips instead of the two hours of shit in a typical Bachelor episode. Oh, and then Brad says "take it to the level," which usually means nothing, but this is the "overnight date week," where Chris Harrison gets all pimped out and the Bachelor takes the remaining women for a test drive. Brad was too scared to kiss Emily last week, but since Emily's daughter isn't here, I guess boning her won't be a problem tonight.
We're in Sabi Sands, and Chantal is the first one to greet him, but I didn't recognize her at first because she wasn't crying. "Every time I see Brad, my love grows more and more. We're experiencing new things together," Chantal tells us. This is the longest way to say "anal" I've ever heard. She feels spoiled, because she's going on safari with this amazing man, but she must be confused because there's just Brad in the jeep, apart from the guides.
They say "oh my god" about a hundred times when they see some lions, like WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING TO SEE. There are also giraffes. And rhinos. I guess all of these animals signed release forms, since their faces aren't blurred. Chantal: "We're driving, and it's like oh my god, a rhino. And wildebeests. And crazy monkeys." Wild Fucking Kingdom with Chantal here.
Anyway, Brad and Chantal go for a picnic by the river while there is a (hopefully) hungry hungry hippo in the water. I think I used to like Chantal, but when she babbles about how this is a metaphor for how she feels so safe with Brad even though there are animals around... Yeah, Chantal? You should feel so safe because of the two guides with RIFLES guarding your Picnic of Banal Meta-Relationship Small Talk. Maybe you should go on overnight dates with them!
I will give Chantal this: She's one of the rare women who says "I love [the Bachelor]" instead of the qualifying "I'm falling in love with [the Bachelor]" or "I can see myself falling in love with [the Bachelor]."
And now they're going to dinner, like NO WONDER Chantal has clearly gained weight since the last time I recapped this show, not that I'm judging her for that or anything. They should just do something else other than eat, because at least when they're ziplining or rappelling or whatever they don't have time to indulge in the boring relationship banter. "Never in a million years has my heart been this open to falling in love. I'm talking about throwing caution to the wind here," says Brad. THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING THAT HE SAYS. And then Chantal is all, "Let's just get married here, now, just kidding, UNLESS THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, just kidding." And then she babbles for half an hour and says something like "If that's what I wanted I would just want to do the thing that I wanted, so if I wanted to do it then that means I would want to do it." "She really is an incredible woman," Brad tells us. Still waiting for some evidence! I mean beyond the obvious.
And then out comes the Pimp Chris Harrison card, the one that offers them a fantasy suite if they choose to use it together. "Would you care to join me?" says Brad, and Chantal is so excited that she wants to leave right now, and then Brad points out where the fantasy suite is. It's an open-air treehouse. I mean, it's like the nicest treehouse I've ever seen, but still: treehouse. All future bachelorettes might be wise to reserve a decision on the Pimp Card until they find out if the fantasy suite has a goddamn roof.
So anyway, Brad and Chantal fuck in a treehouse.
"Last night was incredible," Brad tells us. I hope he's at least showered, because here comes Emily. They run into each other's arms and hug, and then Brad says he forgot something, and Emily stands there alone, and seems genuinely afraid that a lion might eat her. If I were ever on The Bachelor, I'd be much more worried about NOT being eaten by a lion.
And then Brad shows up on the back of an elephant, and then they ride around on the elephant for a while, and talk about stupid things, and say stupid things like "This feels like The Lion King but better," whatever THAT'S supposed to mean -- "Yay! No fatal stampedes!" -- and now they are talking about Emily's daughter, and Brad says he wishes her daughter was there, which is a big fat lie, considering he was too scared to kiss Emily with her daughter around, and then Emily asks him if he's ready for a five-year-old, and Brad takes MUCH too long to figure out what the correct answer is (yes). And then they make out while we watch some elephants playing with each other.
Dinner time, and Emily looks great, and I don't think Brad has even changed his clothes. Hey, they're showing the women's ages on the on-screen graphics now! I missed that development. Anyway, Emily is thrilled that Brad says he's ready to be a father figure.
Brad's really nervous: "There's so many things I want to know, it's crazy," he says. Emily tells us that she can be hard to read some times, which might be true if you consider a completely blank page hard to read. Anyway, the two of them babble on at each other about feelings or whatever. I thought that maybe having two weeks off while I was in Europe might have recharged me and let me be able to process the things they say, but by this point in any given Bachelor season, I'm completely worn down by the inane nonsense that these idiots spew, that in no way resembles any conversation any adults in adult relationships have. I mean, they talk for ten minutes and I cannot make sense of any of it.
So let's just get right to the pimp card: this ought to be good. Emily's been worried about not being able to tell Brad how she feels about him, and then she takes five minutes to tell him that she wants to set a good example for her daughter, but more than that she wants to spend some more time with him. "Just talking," she specifies, and Brad really overdoes it with the broad "I'm totally cool with not putting my p
enis inside you tonight!" smile.And then they get to another fantasy suite, which at least has a fucking roof over it, and then we hear more about how Emily has only ever said "I love you" to one other person, and then these two ninnies sit in the fantasy suite and Emily manages to tell Brad that she's "falling in 'love'" with him (I think I should start putting "love" in quotes at all times when I do these recaps) and Brad is thrilled and says he's falling in love with her too, and then they make out, and this is so sweet except for the fact that if Emily concentrates, I bet she can taste Chantal. Anyway, regardless of what goes on, the show does its usual "pan away from kissing couple to imply impending coitus" routine.
Brad talks about how amazing this week has been. Yeah, he's having a new woman delivered to him every night, and it's not like they don't know about each other or anything. Anyone other than The Bachelor tries this, he winds up on Springer.
Anyway, poor Ashley gets sloppy Brad thirds. And then Ashley sees a helicopter and reacts like Brad just showed her pictures of her family being murdered. But then Brad tells her that he's ridden on helicopters lots and nothing has happened. Yeah, remind her about all the other times you've been on helicopters: dates with other women.
Thank god Ashley eventually gets her shit together and just gets on the damn helicopter already, and then we get some jaw-dropping views of the South African landscape. Then they land, defiling a stunning vista known as "God's Window," and Ashley says, "Is this real life?" Yup. Good relationships are built on a solid foundation of South African helicopter excursions, which will happen frequently if you marry Brad!
Their conversation during the picnic makes me really rue the fact that neither of them fell out of the helicopter. Both of them start yammering on about how driven they are to accomplish things in their careers. I've found that people who say things like that are generally more concerned with convincing people they're ambitious instead of, you know, actually ambitious. "You know what I have to offer," says Ashley, totally jumping the gun on tonight's Pimp Card.
Brad says their conversation made him realize that up until now, neither of them have talked about their individual lives with each other. And yet somehow this woman is in the top three of your potential future wives, hey? Not that this show isn't a great way to find a spouse or anything.
And now it's dinner time. Brad says his conversation left him with more questions, but he wants to make this work. "It's a traditional South African feast. There's a fire blazing, and... it's just the perfect setting to have a date," says Ashley, who then goes on about the fun and playful path they're on. "We just have to start talking about some serious things," she says. Yeah, since Brad is a week away from a potential proposal, now would be a good time. Now Ashley is talking about how she wants to be Superwoman, and she wants him to believe that. Yeah, this is what I'm talking about: People Who Accomplish versus People Who Want To Be Seen As People Who Accomplish.
And now they are talking about where they would live, and Brad gives Ashley grief because she hasn't mentioned Austin. "Well, I've never been to Austin," says Ashley, which clearly doesn't impress Brad, because that's where he is. Yet again on this show, it seems to be taken as read that the woman will move to wherever the Bachelor lives. The conversation gets increasingly stilted as the two of them talk about how bad they are about talking about the things they want to talk about. But at least they're talking about actual relationship logistics, instead of the usual stupid shit about "putting myself out there" and other such nonsense.
But then the Chris Pimp card comes out, and Ashley jumps all over it, but then they get to the fantasy suite and try to kiss but they're incredibly awkward. I mean, I've never been to a place that requires mosquito nets for people to make it through the night, but I don't think they'd be a main topic of conversation with sex looming.
"I just want to talk to Ashley like we used to talk, but we're taking steps back. I just want my Ashley back, the one I fell for," says Brad. The Ashley you just assumed would follow you to Austin, whatever that means, for her career or life plans.
Then it's time for Brad and Chris Harrison to rehash everything that happened so Brad can say stupid things about the stupid dates and call Harrison "man" about 50 million times.
"On one side, I'm so happy, man. I'm getting there, with feelings, with where I've always wanted to be. But on the other side, I'm torn. I don't want to say goodbye to any of these three women." Yeah, it's tough to say goodbye to any of the three women you're having no-strings-attached sex with.
And now we get the video pleas -- Chantal talks about walls coming down, and a leap of faith, and by now it has to be evident that Chantal got her double helping of breasts by skipping the brains line. Emily thanks him for bringing so much happiness into his life, and she knows she hasn't made it easy for him to know how she's feeling. She loves who he is as a person, and she hopes he'll be a part of her life forever. And then things quickly go south with Ashley, doggedly striving for "honesty" in her video. She says the hometown date was great, but "everything kind of vanished" because things changed really quickly in South Africa, and she's not sure if she's a part of what he wants. Not going to be much in the way of suspense, is there? Brad says her video message threw him off, because it sounds like she's checking out. "I don't know if it's a defence mechanism," he says. But he's going to find out! No matter how awkward/boring it is for us to watch!
Meanwhile, Harrison has led all three of the women out to a platform where they are presumably easy pickings for some South African carnivore. Anyway, Brad comes out, and he's -- surprise! -- very awkward, and then he asks Emily and Chantal to excuse him while he talks to Ashley. And they go off somewhere and sit down, and he loses me instantly by starting off with "I want to be so real" and then babbles on about how bad their date was, and he's so shocked at how their relationship has gone in such a completely different direction from where it had been going. He says the questions he was asking came from a place of sincerity. "I'm sitting here, very broken-hearted," he says. Paid to shit, and only farted? She gets a little misty-eyed as she talks about the frustration she feels because they could have had something good if she knew how to do it better. I literally have no idea what they're talking about. "I think you're so exceptional. I don't know what to say," he says, and then figures it out, by telling her goodbye right now. Well, no shit. So she stands up, and he's all, "So that's it?" LIKE YOU JUST TOLD HER GOODBYE, and she says she's surprised (she is?) but she's not going to beg him to change his mind. He says that's not what he wants. But it's totally what he wants. He walks her out to the luxury limo jeep, and tries one last time to figure out what went wrong, but surprisingly, saying, "What's wrong with you? Tell me," fails to change anything.
Ashley's all sniffles on the ride out, as she talks about a spark not being enough, and things getting "lost in translation" and a whole lot of other clichés that countless women have made on similar rides away from the parade of douchebags who have served as various iterations of The Bachelor.
So Brad goes in for a good ol' emotional-railing-leaning! By gar, it's been a while! He says this is really crazy because he always thought Ashley would one of the last two women standing, and that she was going to meet his family. But as we all know, Bachelor results are legally binding, so he must never ever see her again ever.
So Brad now has to go out and somehow convince Chantal and Emily that they're staying not because Ashley just went home, even t
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hough he just said that he always thought Ashley would be in the final two. And his way of making the two remaining women comfortable is to start talking about what a great woman Ashley is. As usual, Brad tries to make it seem like what just went down happened because he's so awesome and respects Ashley too much to make her go through a rose ceremony in which he's not going to give her a rose. The only problem with that explanation is that the whole fucking point of every rose ceremony in every episode in every season of The Bachelor is that some of the women are not going to get roses.But hey, no use worrying about Ashley, because it's not like Brad is actually going to wind up married to any of the women anyway. But I guess they're still going to go through with the final episode, which is happening in Capetown -- "a place I consider one of the most exciting cities in the entire world, a place I've always wanted to go to," says Brad. I'll just leave you with that: that Brad considers Capetown to be one of the most exciting cities in the world, even though he's never been there.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He just got back from a trip to London and Paris, where he managed to forget that such a thing as The Bachelor exists. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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