By Daniel
Matt Grant is here to steal our women. He's an international financier and a "proper English gentleman." Matt is here to bust all kinds of stereotypical views we might have about English people. Chief among those views, I suppose, is my preconception that a proper English gentleman wouldn't deign to appear on a demeaning American reality show. Big Ben! Abbey Road! Just to be clear, we're not trafficking in stereotypical views of England, right? And yeah, he makes all kinds of money, but he's not "about" money, which is refreshing. He slags off Hugh Grant, because lord knows how women hate Hugh Grant. He's the youngest, by many years, of five children. He's 6'5", went to university in Cambridge. His dad had a stroke at the end of 2006, so he needs to settle down and start poppin' out the young'uns.
Our opening montage theme: "Girls are bitches!" That's not just my interpretation; that's explicitly stated.
Despite how ridiculous I find this show, as a proud Canadian, I still get annoyed when the host says that the bachelor is, for the first time ever, not an American. Jesse Palmer, guys. We don't need to cause an international incident over this, but just keep in mind who supplies you with the most oil. ["Plus, wasn't there a whole season set in Rome? The dishonesty here is shocking. SHOCKING!" Joe R]
Matt admits he's nervous, but he's serious about falling in love, and he and Chris Harrison sit down to have a chat. "Would you rather be doing this in London?" Matt says he likes being pulled out of his comfort zone. So what's your life like in London, Matt? Matt reminds us he's a banker, and handles really rich clients. But remember: he's not about money. Will the cultural differences hamper your search for love in America? For God's sake, he's not an aborigine fresh from the outback.
"I've always had a thing for American women," says Matt, which is fortunate, because twenty-five American bitches are just about to pull up in their limos.
First to arrive: Amanda R., 27, an account executive from Niceville, Fla., a stunning brunette. She lived in England for four years. Amy, 22, a nanny from Stockton, does a spin as she approaches, and then tells Matt he has a cute bum. Devon, 24, is a makeup artist from Austin. "You have an accent!" she squeals. "I'm from...London," he explains. Kristine, 32, is a personal trainer from Charlotte. He's never heard of it. Chelsea, 25, is a pharmaceutical sales representative from Santa Barbara. She challenges him to an arm-wrestling match, in a patented "this is how I will stick out" move.
More squealing bitches! Erin H., 25, an event planner from Seattle. She has a ring on her finger, which she calls a "placeholder" until he puts the real thing on. Kelly, 24, from San Diego, is in medical sales. He hopes they'll have a brilliant time! Rebecca, 30, is an attorney from Alamo, Calif. "You are from England." She says. Denise, 30, is a former Bush aide from Washington. Erin S., 33, is a hotdog vendor from Venice, Calif. Hotdog vendor? Just like that, I know whom I want to win. She jokes that he seems to be very popular tonight, and doesn't suppose she'll have a hard time finding him later on inside.
limo: Robin, 22, an advertising co-ordinator from Holland, Mich. She lived in London, yet she doesn't call soccer football. Ashlee, 22, is a singer/songwriter from Jacksonville Beach, Fla., who looks just like Leelee Sobieski. She blows him a kiss. Alyssa, 24, a biology student from Boise. They chat about the weather. Michelle P., 28, an administrative assistant from Syracuse, says she didn't peek from the limousine, so they saw each other at exactly the same time, whatever that's supposed to mean. Yep, you guys are on totally equal footing now. Shayne is an actress from Malibu.
limo: Marshana, 27, a fashion designer from Brooklyn. He compliments her outfit, a sparkly brown dress, which she says she made. Amanda P, 26, is a law student from Las Vegas. She brings him a fuzzy die from Vegas for good luck. By this point, Matt has perfected the "surprised smile that broadens when a woman steps out of the limousine." Every woman must be thinking that she knocked him out. Tamara, 23, is a cocktail waitress from Beverly Hills. She says she's really nervous, and he gallantly tells her everyone is. Holly, 25, is a children's book author from Suffield, Ohio. She says she's excited, not nervous. Then she giggles nervously. Tiffany, 33, from San Francisco, is in real estate marketing. He says he wants to get one of those "trams." She promises to take him.
God, more bitches? Final limo: Carri, 25, is in "church marketing," whatever THAT is. She's from Oklahoma City. Matt's never been, but he loves the musical, which makes her laugh. Stacey, 26, is a graduate student from Chicago, in a sparkly blue dress and tries to be all seductive with her kiss, but comes off as drunk. Turns out she's going to show us just what drunk is all about. Lesley, 23, is a youth minister from Tampa. Michele R., 33, is an interior designer from Laguna Niguel, Calif. Noelle, 26, is a photographer from Loveland, Colo., with excellent dimple action. She says she's a "sucker for accents." Would she be as all-aflutter if Ricky Gervais was standing there? She makes him say British things like "milady." No one ever asks a Canadian to say "eh." At least, not a pretty woman who gets all hot when you do it.
So that's all of them: how do you like them, Matt? He says he had high expectations, but he's just blown away. Like he's going to say, "That's it? That's the best you got for me? Did only twenty-five women apply?"
Inside, the women are drinking wine and talking about Matt's looks and accents. Because we all know that's all you need for true love. Before Matt gets sent in, Chris explains about the first impression rose, which keeps a woman safe through the rose ceremony, and points out that it's possible his wife is inside. Based on this show's track record, though, I wouldn't start picking out china patterns just yet.
Matt saunters inside. The women cheer and surround him. "You've blown me away," he says, about the ninetieth time this episode that phrase has been used tonight. "I think it's totally possible he's the man of my dreams," says Amanda R. Well, it's lucky you signed up for this show without knowing anything about the person you were hoping to marry, isn't it?
Chris brings in the first impression rose, which won't actually get awarded for half an hour (of show time). Chelsea's going after that first impression rose. Ah, yes: The arm-wrestling challenge. "I only arm-wrestle women. Pregnant women, normally," says Matt. Hee. Finally, a little dry British humour. He puts up a good fight, but ultimately she wins. Is he being a gentleman? That's how he plays it. Carri and Denise sit down for a chat with Matt. Unfortunately, Denise, the former Bush aide (who might play the odds by downplaying her work for the president, given Britons' opinion of him), wants to have, if you can believe it, a conversation with Matt -- can you imagine? -- so Carri (who says Denise is a "one-trick pony") decides to mix it up by biting into a beer can and ripping off a piece of aluminum. Checkmate. Political discussion? One-trick pony! To appear sophisticated, perform a trick you learned at the Delta Tau kegger freshman year. I imagine the church you work for is quite impressed right now, Carri. Rebecca, the attorney, decides to get the party started, which means busting some moves that are emptying her client list as we speak. Michele R. declares herself a paper-rock-scissors champion, and then loses the first match. On the bright side, perhaps she can stop practicing paper-rock-scissors and devote herself entirely to her cancer research.
Marshana, who says she is Miss Earth New York, whatever that is, is chatting up Matt when Ashlee steals him away. She wrote him a song. Aw, that's nice. Too bad we won't -- oh, no, there's actually a guitar there? She's going to play it for us? Why does this have to happen? Could this one little bit of evil not be foisted on the world? "You fire away," he tells her, utterly bewildering her, until he says "fire away" is an "English term." Perhaps "it's an English term" is itself an English term, one that means "you're an idiot but I'm too polite to say so." The song is ridiculously bad for someone who claims to be a professional singer/songwriter. Needless to say, the lyrics would apply to any human male who happens to be the focus of a Bachelor season, setting aside the fact that the word "douchebag" isn't used, not even once.
Michelle P. puts together a clarinet and plays him a tune. Shayne laments that to meet Matt, a woman apparently has to have more going for than just looks. Yeah, this is supposed to be about love, not about personality or skills or outside interests!
Can we cut some women yet? I can't keep anyone straight. It appears safe to assume Stacey is everyone's least favourite bachelorette. Erin S. says there always has to be "one token nutbag" in the group. Forgive me, but isn't Matt the one token nutbag? Other adjectives used: Belligerent. Tasteless. Tacky. Classless. Judging from the montage, unless Stacey is the victim of the worst reality-show edit in history, those are all completely accurate. She is getting plastered out of her head. Half of everything she says needs to be bleeped out. Marshana says she hates to say anything negative, and then calls Stacey a bitch. To Stacey's face, Erin H. calls her a whore.
Matt sits down for a HILARIOUS chat with Erin H. and Stacey, who talks trash while they wait for the bloke to arrive. Erin talks about what she does, while Stacey feels him up. When he eventually turns his attention to her, she tells him, "I have my bachelor's in nutrition, and nothing and no one will ever stop me. I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has ever thought of," she says. I'm sure it sounded deeper in her head. When Erin asks Matt about London, Stacey rudely says, "You guys are really boring, I'm not going to lie." And what do you know about London, Matt asks her. "I love the ocean," she says. Great, says Matt, but London's not near the ocean. Try again? "The new upbringing cars," says Stacey. Matt looks at her blankly: "'Upbringing cars'?" "That are more efficient with gas?" she tries. After Erin S. steals him away, Stacey wanders over to him and stuffs her underwear into his trousers. Matt's rather unimpressed. Laughing, in an interview, he says, "I don't give a (bleep) what country you're from, but that is not cool." Erin relates the whole thing to everyone else, who amusingly mock Stacey's babblings about nutrition. Advice proffered: losing a few pounds, as well as the implants. Fortunately, Stacey wanders off to pass out on a couple of mattresses hastily shoved into a bathroom. Amy says, "Eyes are closed. Mouth is shut. Legs are shut. It's good." I think I may love Amy.
Matt's still deliberating about the first impression rose, and he needs more time. Guy, is "first impression" an American expression, and that's why you don't seem to understand what it means? He sits down to talk to Shayne, whose family is all actors. Like...oh, wow. Her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. So she's using "actor" in the loosest possible sense. If she's just as talented as he is, then...that explains why she's on this show. She doesn't think it's all that big a deal. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but no one else thinks it's a big deal either. Noelle has this inane conversation with him about being the baby in the family, and she says in an interview that he really puts you at ease, which does seem to be true. I like her. He also chats with Robin. In French, even. I like her too.
Matt says this has been one of the best evenings of his life, which makes me feel really sorry for Matt. Anyway, he's made his decision, and all the women watch as he strolls past all of them to pull Amanda R., the first off the limo, aside. "I guess he didn't like rock, paper, scissors," says Michele R. Can't believe that didn't work.
Coming up: the rose ceremony, where Matt gives roses to all the women he's going to keep around. So...the first impression rose doesn't really mean anything, does it? "Here you go: a rose, five minutes before the other women get their roses. Enjoy!"
Is Stacey conscious? Did she make it to the ceremony?
Who's staying: Chelsea. Shayne. Michelle P. Marshana. Ashlee. Noelle. Erin S. By this point, Robin looks like she's going to cry. The smiles on all the women's faces are not holding up. Amy. Carri. The solemnity of this ceremony is hilarious, like he asks each woman individually if they'll accept a rose. Kristine. Robin looks gutshot by this point. But then he picks her too. Kelly. Holly. Wait, there was a Holly? Oh, yeah, the children's book author. Have we seen her since the limos? Last rose goes to Erin H. "Way to scare somebody half to death!" she says. Hey, show some respect to the women whose hours-old dreams of marrying an Englishman were just crushed!
"I'm really shocked, but it's not anything new for me," says Devon. What? Stacey staggers out of the house all, "I didn't want him anyway. He couldn't handle me." Elliott Spitzer couldn't handle you, "lady."