Jake says he's falling in love with all the three women for different reasons, but never says the word "boobs" once, so you know he's lying. He tells us that Gia is so much different from his first impression. He could tell she was holding back about past relationships, and it turns out her last boyfriend was a cheating gangster or something. "Gia and I's chemistry is just electric," Jake tells us, in the return of the most mystifying and grating grammar error this show has ever inflicted on the world.
With Tenley, Jake wondered if she was too good to be true, and I guess the unspoken sentiment here is that her divorce is a strike against her. But it's a good thing he doesn't hold it against her! Jake says she's got a heart of gold, which I hope doesn't ruin Neil Young for me.
Jake talks about how Vienna was as bold as she could possibly be, like when they met for the first time and she wanted to see his abs. Then he talks about how he cried like a little baby when they went bungee jumping, and she was just a rock. And then he talks about how she's always been the centre of the drama. "But our connection is undeniable," he says, but he doesn't care what anybody else thinks. Then he says she may be a little "immature" like WHO SAYS THAT ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND MUCH LESS FUTURE WIFE and then he says if they got married they could mature together.
And then he wonders about Ali, how she's doing, so good luck that there happen to STILL BE CAMERAS with Ali as she wakes up in the morning, not that this show is STAGED or anything, and she talks about how she's more anxious than she's ever been, and that she can't concentrate on her job since she's been back. Well, can you blame her? After all, she gave up being one of four girlfriends for her job! Who in their right mind would have done the same thing?
"Every day that I'm away from him, my heart breaks just a little more," she says. So she's decided to fight for him, and tell him how she feels, so now would be a good time for everyone watching to make sure they're stocked up on Gravol.
Pigeon Island, Saint Lucia. Jake's got a date with Gia, and he can't wait to see her. Is it because he respects her career, her intelligence, her tastes in books and film? No, it's because she's going to look "absolutely gorgeous." He's still blathering about her holding something back, so I can't wait for them to talk about it endlessly and painfully. Gia, meanwhile, is excited at the prospect of falling in love again.
So they hug and giggle and look out at the water and climb some stone staircase at some kind of battlement or something. Jake points out the pier with the boat they're going to take across the bay to get something to eat. Jake wants to take Gia to a market where all the St. Lucians shop. Isn't that like St. Lucians visiting the U.S. and going to a mall? They sample fruit, listen to reggae music. "All the natives are hanging out, having a good time," says Gia, like these two couldn't possibly be any more condescending. Jake says it's amazing that Gia with her $1,000 pair of shoes is really empathetic with people putting it all out on the line, just trying to earn an honest living, I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAID THAT. How these two didn't wind up beaten and mugged, I have no idea. Probably the camera crew following them is the only thing preventing "the natives" from poking their patronizing eyes out.
Jake talks about what a blast Gia is, and how he wants to have adventures and travel with her or something, and she'd be up for that. "That's something I gotta have in a woman," he says, which must be right under "doesn't want a job" and "lets me decide everything" on his wife checklist.
Then he talks about making a "leap of faith," which is something idiots on this show always say, seemingly without having any idea what it means, and we watch them jumping off the pier, and then making out. "I feel like we're the only two people on the whole island. It's just us. It's our island," says Gia, like, yeah, your casual colonialism is PART OF THE PROBLEM. She says she's falling in love, and wants to take the step.
"Today confirmed my feelings for Jake," she says, adding that she's had some bad choices in boyfriends before. It's nighttime now, and they're meeting up for dinner. "She looks like a little ballerina," Jake tells us, who doesn't want a woman for a wife as much as he wants a little doll, adding that he's usually the "protective type" and he wants to "take care of Gia," like what a shock that is. There's a dinner table set up on the beach, with starfish on the table, and they sit down and Jake is already bringing up "all the boys" she's dating, like he should talk. And then they stare into each other's eyes. "Nobody else exists right now," Jake tells her, and then he says he's intrigued, because she's so "drop-dead gorgeous," but also "deep," like in terms of pickup lines, this guy is barely a step above high school guys telling girls that guys can die if they don't have sex. And that's the part that really gets him, he says, you know, that she's so hot but yet also so deep (the former is apparent, the latter? Still waiting on some evidence) and then she adds that he really gets her to open up, but now she wants him to talk about himself. I know it will be hard for him, but he'll give it his best shot, I'm sure.
So then he babbles about how he wants to take care of her. "That's what I bring to a marriage," he says, and how he wants someone to make his dreams theirs, and their dreams his (and the last part kind of sounded like an afterthought). She says something about how she's never seen this side of him. "I've never met a guy who can say even half of what you said," she says. Or perhaps all the guys she's met have not been cheesy smarm weasels.
And now they are drinking wine and sitting in a hammock while she gets up the nerve to tell him she loves him. "When I look in Jake's eyes, I get lost," she tells us. And then he is telling her that when she stepped out of the limo, he thought she was just amazing. But didn't he say his first impression of her was completely wrong?
And then he busts out the oh-so-romantic I Want To Bone You Now card, wherein Chris "Pimp" Harrison says they can forego their individual rooms for the fantasy suite together. "What do you think?" says Jake, and Gia wastes no time saying yes.
And eventually we follow the trail of shedded clothes into the bathroom, with the candles and the rose petals all around the tub. For what it's worth, Gia seems to still have her top on. "Gia has grabbed hold of my heart so hard. My life is flashing before my eyes," he says. Isn't that something that happens to people about to die? He says Gia is someone he could definitely propose to. Aw, there's nothing more romantic than qualifications around declarations of potential romantic interest.
Rodney Bay now, the day (or whenever). Jake's really excited to see Tenley. "We just connect on so many levels," he says. Wait for it... there it is, the "values" word that he always uses with Tenley. Tenley says she's really excited to have the whole day with Jake. Which I'd like to point out really wouldn't be an issue for any guy she dates who DOESN'T have two other girlfriends, but whatever. So now they're flying in a helicopter, and Jake says he's so excited to "show" Tenley the whole island, like it's his island or something. Tenley says she was just speechless, which unfortunately turns out not to be true. They touch down in some sugar plantation for some lunch, and to spend time together and just talk.
Tenley says she's falling in love with Jake, but she's been in love before and can't let herself go that far again without knowing if Jake values marriage as much as she does,
like haven't they done nothing but talk about this shit? Isn't that why Jake keeps repeating "values" over and over again?She loves having the picnic, and asks him if they will have picnics like this in the real world, and then Jake brags about how they can have dinner in one place and the morning go somewhere else, what with him being an awesome pilot and everything.
Then they're talking about commitment, and Tenley says when she makes a commitment, she sticks with it, until it's over, whatever that's supposed to mean. Man, the fewer women left on this show, the more time we're forced to spend listening to them spew all this meaningless nonsense, the kind of stuff people NEVER ACTUALLY SAY unless they spend their time watching shit like this and think people actually talk like this. Then they kiss for a while, and then walk down to a black sand beach, which neither of them has ever seen before, so they get on their bathing suits and walk in the surf and make out in the water. Tenley says it's by far the best date she's ever been on, and then she admits the fantasy suite was in the back of her mind, as she hasn't been with a guy since she was married (she was married before? Does Jake know about this?), and staying overnight with Jake would be a really big deal. Then she says "leap of faith," so see my comment above. Explain how what we've seen so far tonight wouldn't fit on an episode of Cheaters, please? Except I'd hate for Chris Harrison to get stabbed.
So, dinner tonight, in some amazing hotel or house, and then Tenley is talking about her ex-husband AGAIN. And Jake tells us the fantasy suite card is really important in moving their relationship forward, which is true if you have no idea what a real relationship is like, I suppose. And now they are nattering this nonsense at each other, about letting themselves go, and things that mean things to them, or something, and Tenley stammers out that she knows that she has love to give and is "meant to be loved" and Jake makes her "heart smile" and she's really falling in love with him. "Tenley just melted my heart," Jake tells us, even though he doesn't say it back to her, just jams his tongue down her throat.
And then because Jake knows how important snicker-inducing dance is to Tenley, he asks her to dance, and she seems actually honoured that he understands that giggle-inducing dance is important to her. She wants to dance with him forever, and might I suggest lessons for Jake at the very least so that dancing consists of a little more than "standing there and holding Tenley's hand while she twirls." So then they go back to their table and make out, and Jake says whenever they kiss it's like he's running on a treadmill, and then he pulls out the I Want To Bone You Now card, and he horndoggedly says he's "really excited" about it, like NO PRESSURE, TENLEY, and she reads the card. "I absolutely cannot wait to watch our first sunrise," he says, BEFORE SHE EVEN SAYS ANYTHING, and then beams a shit-eating grin at her, and she whispers, "me too," and they kiss, and then they go to the "romantic" suite, the bedroom of which is completely indistinguishable from the bedroom he boinked Gia in last night, or whichever night it was. It does have a private pool, which is kind of cool.
And then they sit down and Tenley blathers on about how "special" this all is, and then Jake praises her "values" and "morals" and "temperament" like WHAT IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT, like I have to think that when he refers to "temperament" he's saying that Tenley doesn't get mad about anything ever, which is lucky for him. And then they get their bathing suits on so they can make a little bacteria frappé in the private pool. "When Tenley and I kiss, you can just feel the passion behind our kiss," Jake tells us, adding that there's no doubt in his mind that Tenley would make an "amazing wife." There is much that's amazing about The Bachelor. Not any of it is the good kind of amazing, however.
And now we're still in Rodney Bay for the date with Vienna, and Jake's really looking forward to spending time with Vienna, and he's looking forward to the "light, immature side," like there he is calling his girlfriend "immature" again, which has not ever been used as a positive before in the history of anything ever, and they get RIDICULOUSLY excited about spending time on a pirate ship that was used in Pirates of the Caribbean," for god's sake. And then Vienna makes Jake wear an eyepatch. "One thing I love about Vienna, is she doesn't miss one moment in life," he says, like if he's kissing her, she kisses back. If he's playing rough with her, she plays rough right back. If he gives the clap to her, she gives it right back. They make out on the boat, with Vienna practically ready to marry him right now. Jake talks about how "the journey" can be a little lonely, whatever that means, but Vienna's made it's clear that she's there for him.
And then Vienna is shooting one of the cannons, and then they climb up the rigging because they need to rut all over every single piece of the ship, and then he makes her walk the plank, and actually shoves her off, and then he does a big manly dive into the water. Vienna says a whole lot of nonsense about how she wants to make the most out of life, and Jake's the same way. "I want to please Vienna, and she wants to please me, it just works," says Jake, who praises her nurturing qualities. And now they are off the boat and making out in the surf, and on the beach, and Vienna tells us it was so romantic because it just them (should have been there last night, Vienna; you could have compared notes with Tenley). Jake's take: "Rollin' around in the sand today was smokin' hot," and maybe he loves Vienna being immature because when it comes down to it he talks like a douchey frat boy with a driver's licence. Vienna says she's fallen in love with Jake, and to her credit, is concerned about the fact that there are two other women he's dating, and she wonders if he's falling for them too. Well, he's actually TOLD YOU that he's fallen for everyone. More than once. And will do so again. Given the pressure of the upcoming evening, which Jake has already done a couple of times already, I'd worry a little more about Jake being a little overworked and not being able to, um, hoist the mainsail for the third time.
So now it's dinner time, with Jake praising how awesome Vienna looks. And she talks more about how she's scared that there are two other girls here. She says she's going to put her "heart on the line" and she wants to know how he feels. Jake tells us he needs to make sure his attraction isn't just sexual, and that he's fallen for her heart, or some stupid shit. They talk to each other about what they're looking for in partners, and they say all the usual "best friend" and "share everything" stuff. Then Jake asks if she likes thick bands or thin bands, and square or princess cuts. God, he's annoying. She mentions, I think, thin bands and princess cuts? Like she'd turn down any gaudy bauble that he picked out. She asks if he could see her as his wife. "Yes. You wouldn't be here if I couldn't," he says. And then HE says there are two other women there, which is just what you want to hear after discussing engagement rings and marriage with your boyfriend. "I have fallen for them both as well, and that makes everything very real for me," he says. I'd argue it makes everything NOT REAL for anyone, but I've never gone on The Bachelor, so I apparently have no idea what real love is all about. Vienna seems a little put out, at least at first, but just when you think she's going to wise up that it's not exactly ideal to have the object of your affection tell you that he's in love with TWO other women, she tells him she's fallen in love with her. Anyone need a spine? Vienna's not using hers. "You've fallen in love with me?" he says, and does his two-handed head-grab and swallows her face for a while. "I love that you told me that," he says, praising her "brutal honesty." Yeah, it's so brutal to hear someone say she's in love with y
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ou.Feeling like it's a safe bet now, Jake says, "I have something for both of us," he tells her, and whips out the I Want To Bone You Now card. She reads it, and asks if he's a good cuddler, and he says he is, and she says they need some time alone to get to know each other's genitals.
So off they go to the fantasy suite, and I hope The Bachelor gets a bulk discount on the rose petals, because damn. They sit and chat for a while, and then Vienna gets up for a little surprise for Jake, and goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing a white negligee. "When Vienna walked out in the lingerie, that's when I felt like the luckiest guy in the world," Jake tells us. I have to agree that getting a sweet vacation with a succession of women and not being universally denounced as an asshole does require a certain amount of luck, yes.
Vienna tells us she knows this is real, because she's never felt this way before, and that she's really fallen for Jake. And then we watch her close the doors to the camera crew, and we hear her tell him she gets him all to herself. Yeah, tonight. "You're amazing, I'm so crazy about you," he says.
So it's the day, or sometime after, and Jake is talking about how he's really "turned a corner" with all these women. So cue the phone call from Ali, who tells him she's a mess right now. "I made the wrong choice," she says, "and I want to come back. I just really, really would hate to think that because of my fear and my mistake, we would never find out if we were really a match."
Jake rubs his forehead and says he's trying to "process" everything. He says he knows how he felt when she left (that would be "She didn't give up her job for me? Even though I asked her to? And if we were married I wouldn't want her working anyway? Dead to me!"). She apologizes over and over again, and says the second she drove away she wanted to go back. She tells him she can't focus on work. "I don't want to live a life where I'm burying myself in my work," she says. He thanks her for apologizing, and then whines about how when she drove away, she drove away with a piece of his heart, and the time they've missed is "critical." He doesn't know what to do. "I'm just trying to think this out," he says. This goes on FOREVER. Put it this way: my daughter started crying, up in her bedroom, and I went up to comfort her and get her back to sleep, and when I came back, Ali and Jake were NO further along.
Jake, however, says he's further along with the three women left, and he doesn't even know whom he'd send home to accommodate Ali coming back. She admits that she's biased, but she thinks giving them a shot would be what's best for them, and her feelings are stronger now than when she left. "I was just scared," she says, adding that the decision she made is the one she most regrets, which is the opposite of what she thought would happen.
"Everything about me wants to say get on a plane and get here right now," he says, which is quite different from the edited version in the previews, which consisted simply of Jake saying, "Get on a plane and get here right now," like how do the producers of this show even sleep at night? Oh, right: on piles and piles of money. And then he says he's falling in love with the three women who are here. Which you'll recall is something that he also said to Ali, but apparently he's able to turn it off. "I just don't think it's a good idea, and that hurts me like crazy to say that to you," he says, rather phonily pretending to have his voice crack somewhat. "I don't know what to say," says Ali. How about "goodbye"? That would be awesome! Ali wonders how things could change so quickly, and Jake apologizes for hurting her feelings. Jake covers his face with his hands, and then they apologize to each other some more, like how about saying sorry to anyone with a brain who's watching this? Eventually they hang up, and Jake looks all broken up, and starts wondering where best to go stand and moodily stare. So he opens a window and looks out it for a while, and tells us that he hopes his heart is leading him in the right direction. Ali and her cleavage do something similar, and then we see a talking head with Ali in which she looks a wreck, like she's red-faced hair-blown-out nose-running crying Ali again, and she says she doesn't know if she'll ever find someone like Jake ever again. She says it like she thinks that's a bad thing! This bit comes off a little like a setup for her to be the Bachelorette, except the commercials during tonight's episode have called for nominations for the Bachelor and Bachelorette, so maybe we could break from the streak of having a former contestant coming back. Please?
Jake pensively gets dressed, while we hear him talk about how he's not in love with Ali, but with three women, and he doesn't know what to do at the rose ceremony. "I just need a little while to refocus," he says, by which he means "sit and talk to Chris Harrison and recap everything we just saw because god forbid this show trim itself by an hour or even a half-hour."
Jake tells Chris that he was in love with Ali, and everything in him wanted to bring her back, but he didn't think it was fair to the other women, who Jake assumes have things going on at home that they need to take care of too. Oh yeah, like their great careers. And then they recap the dates, and Jake marvels again at how non-hateful Gia was to Saint Lucians, again, despite her $700 shoes (he's downgraded her shoes!) and them being poor, which I still don't understand, despite this being the second time he's mentioned it. And in terms of squashing gay rumours, I'm not sure that being surprisingly familiar with styles of jewelry and prices of women's shoes is exactly the way to go.
And Tenley's a real sport too, while they toured the island, and Jake loved that she said she was falling for him, and she sees the joy in everything.
"Vienna's just always herself, and I can tell, and that puts me at ease," says Jake, whatever that's supposed to mean. Harrison asks if Vienna told Jake she loved him, and Jake says she did. "And, I think I'm in love with her," he says, after Harrison prompts him.
Chris says it must be overwhelming when all these women say these things. "Fucked up" is probably a more accurate assessment, but Disney probably wouldn't like describing things this way. Chris asks if Jake's ready to send someone home and, as usual, Jake isn't ready. Chris says this time it's a little different, because the women have each recorded messages to help him make his decision. Jake stares at photos of three women, and marvels at how he went from "Mr. Dateless" in high school to a dude who gets to shag three women who have made such poor choices in their personal lives that going on a cynical exploitative piece of trash like The Bachelor seems like a good idea.
After a commercial break, Jake tells us he's not prepared to make his decision, what with having slept with all of them, or, as he puts it, taken his relationship with each of them "to the level."
So he watches the messages, and Tenley chirps her way through a message in which she talks about how much she admires him, and how much she wants to travel with him and have babies with him, and she loves all their kisses and how she looks forward to a lifetime of more, and she wants her fairytale ending. How can someone who is as sweet as Tenley make me so ineffably sad?
Then there's Gia, who thinks Jake is incredible and she has an amazing time, and whenever they hang out, she thinks they grow together. She's opened up so much for him: "I only do that for someone I've fallen in love with," she says, and she hopes they have more growing and loving and opening up and whatever. It's like Joey Tribbiani's wedding toast.
Vienna talks about what a long, tough journey it's been (yeah, what, a few weeks in real time?) but it's been so worth it, and she wants to flirt with him for the eighty years. "I can't wait to be your wife," she says, because he means everything to her.
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>"Here I am, in love with my final three," says Jake, before saying the messages didn't make things any easier for him, and he's worried about making the wrong decision. Once you've decided to go on The Bachelor, I think all the rest of your decisions are like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.So it's an outside rose ceremony in Saint Lucia. Harrison welcomes all the women, calling it one of the most romantic places in the world, and after all they've gone through, and the overnight auditions, one of you is STILL going home! How you like them apples?
Jake comes in. "You ladies look absolutely drop-dead gorgeous," says constant cheeseball Jake, and he tells them he's fallen in love with all of them, which is what makes tonight so difficult for him. I love how he constantly thinks that this show is hardest on him, forcing him to choose.
After an annoyingly long pause, the first rose goes to Tenley. Mercifully, Harrison doesn't immediately come out to point out that there's only one rose left. Jake picks it up, and waits what we can presume is a show-mandated lengthy pause, and then gives it to Vienna. Gia tries to keep the smile on her face for a while, and then Harrison tells her to take a moment to say her goodbyes. Gia hugs the other women who have slept with the man that she thought was her boyfriend, and then Jake leads her out to a bench so they can talk for a while.
"That was not easy," says Jake. Oh, poor you! He tells her that she's absolutely amazing, and orders her to make her guy "work" for her. He tells her he's just developed slightly stronger feelings for the other women. She, of course, blames herself for not opening up more, and he never says anything about the fact that Tenley and Vienna don't have any silly notions of "working" that might get in the way of having a clean house and kids raised right, even if Gia's job really only consists of "looking sexy." Gia tells him he has two wonderful women left, which is more gracious than this show deserves, and he walks her out to the limo.
"Sending Gia home was just horrible for me," he says, adding that he never saw Gia cry until tonight, and that just broke his heart. Once again, poor you! He hates that he hurt someone he really loves, and he hopes she finds a guy who will treat her right.
In the limo, Gia cries and says she was really starting to see a future with him. "I'm crushed right now," she says, adding that the hardest thing was that she really did fall in love, and it takes her so long to get over these things. Here's hoping that she watches this show and realizes Jake's more in love with himself than anything.
Jake goes over to hug Tenley and Vienna and talk about how hard that was. Where the hell else can a guy get away with whining about how hard it was to dump a girlfriend TO HIS TWO OTHER GIRLFRIENDS? Big Love, maybe? He thanks them for being strong, when he should really thank them for having so little self-worth that they would put themselves on this show and not realize that this show knows absolutely nothing about the "love" it purports to cherish so much.
Speaking of which: my wife and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary later this week, and I can only imagine how angry and bitter this show would make me if she wasn't already making me happier than I ever knew was possible. I love you, Alex, and I'll always be here for the right reasons.
Now back to your regularly scheduled sarcasm and vitriol.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Watching The Bachelor makes him wonder if heterosexuals should be allowed to get married. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.
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