Oh, god, why? This is the point of the season I always regret doing this show: the Woman Tell All (That They Are Allowed Legally, As Long As They Don't Make Themselves Look Too Bad In The Process).
Chris Harrison comes out to an audience made up mostly of empty, broken women applauding furiously. He reminds us all of Rozlyn's dalliance with a staffer, and then tells us that "all of America" is waiting to find out who Jake picks. How can he look us in the face and lie like that? Oh, right: because no one actually hearing him say that is in any position to refute it.
And here's Chris sitting down to recap with Jake (in a interview) the stuff that's gone on. Because god knows there is never enough rehashing on this show. The flashbacks to the Rozlyn affair (and all the flashbacks) have this fuzzy filter on them, because we are all morons who need a visual cue to differentiate between what happened already and what's happening now. Harrison reminds Jake of how awesomely manly he was to insist on being in the room when Harrison told the other bachelorettes what happened with Rozlyn. Jake agrees that the whole incident strengthened his resolve, and opts for the third person to emphasize it: "Jake is not here for an adventure, and he's going to find the girl he's going to marry."
Then we revisit Elizabeth's "don't kiss me" strategy, which Jake says he respects, as he's been to weddings of friends where the bride and groom kiss for the first time. I think it's sweet that they tell people that, and that Jake believes them. It was Elizabeth's game-playing that Jake had a problem with. In the context of Elizabeth, explain to me the difference? It was a game from the get-go to her.
We spend way more time than necessary on the nauseating games Elizabeth was playing, and then move on to Vienna and Jake overcoming their fears of bungee-jumping on camera, which sparked a relationship. So basically, if Jake's relationship with Vienna on The Bachelor is World War I, then the bungee-jump was the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
And then there's Tenley, who's so boring that the leadoff memory is of their stupid fortunes that they wrote themselves for their stupid fortune cookies. Harrison asks if it really happened that they wrote the same fortune, like Harrison thinks only geniuses could have come up with something as amazing as "kiss me" or something.
And then there's Ali, who Jake says was asking him to make the decision for her over whether to stay or go. "I just didn't feel I could make a decision like that for her," Jake says, when it's more accurate to say that he felt entirely comfortable making that decision for her, and that he didn't feel comfortable appearing to feel comfortable making that decision for her. He all but TOLD her that she should leave her job to stay. He also claims that Ali left in love with him, and he was in love with her. That means he's either a) lying, or b) an idiot, and either scenario is as good an illustration of why this show is such a waste of two hours a week and is in no way a reasonable way to find love (no matter how Ali will defend it later).
And then the broadcast cuts out for a test pattern, like even the local affiliate is doing its best to keep this travesty from the public.
After the commercials, Harrison introduces a "sexy new phenomenon," which is Bachelor cast reunions. Is this more of a new phenomenon than they last time they had a montage of these people getting together for drunken hookup parties? Also, please shoot me if I ever use the phrase "sexy new phenomenon" in all sincerity.
We're going to hear from these people? Someone named Erica claims that someone named Desiree goes both ways, because she was grabbing her boobs. And then because she was really judgmental she decides to go to school to be a judge? And now she has a crystal gavel? And by "judge" she apparently means "sleep with as many guys as she can and then rate them"? I'm confused. What is going on here? And then there was someone who I don't remember who didn't get married and now she's happier, or perhaps she learned some valuable life lessons, or maybe she is now addicted to meth, or whatever. There have apparently been many seasons of this show that I have not watched. I get the sense that most of these people are from recent seasons, because presumably the people from earlier seasons are grown up and embarrassed about this shit, or perhaps they're just old and now ugly and therefore unfit to be on The Bachelor.
And now we are on a boat, and Darling Nikki, from Jason's season, has decided she's going to be a bad girl (baby, have we got a Prince song for you). And then there's Natalie telling Jason all about how much she loves bears. And can I just point out that the music used for flashbacks of the dumb moments is a lot more wacky than the self-serious music used on original broadcasts? And someone says Natalie's hooking up with everybody, which she denies. And then Wes talks about how people "love to hate" him, and then justifies that hate by claiming that his love life, "which didn't suck" before, is now a thousand times more awesome.
Kiptyn makes me sad by talking about his "new family" and Kurt Russell, I mean Sean, thinks everyone is going to be best buds forever. I think it's a good idea to keep in touch with everyone, because it makes it easier when the doctor asks you to phone all your former sexual partners with bad news.
"As you can tell, the quest for fame never stops," says Harrison. Oh, wait, he said the "quest for love" never stops.
Harrison says this season The Bachelor has become one of the most talked-about shows on television. "With great success comes a greater obligation to give back," Harrison tells us, introducing a sweet segment about people from The Bachelor working with a charity called Portraits of Hope, which involves painting lifeguard stations or whatever. And then that woman DeAnna hits on some poor kid named Carlos who tells her that she'll be too old for him to date when he grows up, when he's probably too polite to tell her that she needs to shut up once in a while about how much Brad hurt her. And then there's Harrison at some secondary school in Saint Lucia that has now apparently been touched by The Bachelor in some way. "The Bachelor tries to give back whenever we can," Harrison tells us after we watch him give a check for Haiti relief to Ellen DeGeneres. Ten-thousand dollars. Well, it's more than I gave.
And there's Shayne at some sort of food charity, and the details are really starting to blend together in terms of how awesome The Bachelor is in terms of fixing the world's problems, and then Juan tells us that charity work is definitely part of the "man code" so he's doing his best. And you kind of have to think about it and then you think, "Oh, yeah, the man code. Forgot all about it because IT'S SO STUPID AND NO ONE CARED THEN, LET ALONE NOW." Someone named "Bettina" says it made her feel good in her heart to feed someone who's hungry. And there's Kiptyn and Michael from Jillian's season encouraging everyone to get involved with stuff like this.
Harrison asks if, when people watch the show, people ever ask "Why would she do that?" and "What was she thinking?" I would say the questioning never stops. Now here's our chance to find out, because here come the women, out to raucous cheers. Why aren't the audience members just holding up signs that say "YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIENDS" and "PLEASE TAKE ME TO YOUR PARTIES"?
Ashley calls Jake "absolutely fabulous" and babbles about Jake lathering up. And then there's Ashleigh admitting that she fake-fell into Jake's arms, like she fooled anybody. Harrison calls them 25 "well-adjusted" women, which may be the funniest thing anyone has ever said on this show.
And then we get the boobs-and-also-Rozlyn montage, which then morphs into the Michelle-might-be-no-fooling-actually-crazy montage, and then the Tenley-is-a-Disney-princess montage. Did Gia just say Tenley shits rainbows? Vienna says Tenley dreams cartoons, which is also pretty funny. Ella calls Elizabeth a "black widow," which is kind of harsh, and then there's Gia talking about Vienna starting drama. So now it's the everybody-hates-Vienna montage, which also doubles as the Ali-and-Ashleigh-need-to-grow-up montage. Ashleigh actually called Vienna a "trailer-trash whore." Because not everyone can be as classy as Ashleigh calling someone a "trailer-trash whore" on national television.
Ashleigh says she regrets saying that, but she said it because she was upset. Oh, well then. Apparently women with "good, strong morals" were being sent home, in favor of Vienna. So you still think Vienna's a whore, you just regret calling her one. Anyway, take it up with Jake! Harrison asks the women what it is that pisses them off about Vienna, and Ella yammers on forever about Vienna being immature (which Jake seems to think is a positive, remember?). Gia sticks up for Vienna by pointing out that Vienna is a good person, and being kind of immature doesn't make her "not worthy of love."
And then there's Elizabeth, talking about her stupid strategy, and pretending that she didn't realize she was playing a game until she was watching it again. "Watching it, it looked pretty stupid," she says.
Then Harrison calls Rozlyn the "10,000-pound elephant in the room." Gia says she was Rozlyn's roommate, and Rozlyn never slept there. Ashleigh says several of them witnessed inappropriate things, including kissing and cuddling, and several of them went to the producers with their concerns.
Jessie says one day she heard something on the stairs, and she saw the producer lying back with Rozlyn on top of him, making out with him. And then Ella says one night they were all "fixing" to go to bed. Love you, Ella. She continues telling her story by saying Rozlyn was on all fours on the couch with her butt up in the air, saying "if you see the producer, tell him I need to be put to bed." There are women gasping in the audience. To be fair to Rozlyn, how high a percentage of the audience do you think are virgins? What's the over/under on that bet? Fifty percent? Higher? And how much is the interpretation of what COULD have been a joke being colored by the fact that Rozlyn got kicked off the show?
"Gia came on the show to fall in love, and by all accounts she did," says Jake. Gia, come on down! She looks awesome, as usual, as she sits to Harrison. We watch a recap of her run on The Bachelor, including spin the bottle in the vineyard, and Gia talking about her insecurities, and that annoying whispered "Is it OK to fall?" "It's OK to fall," and then they are making out in the hot tub, and then the rose ceremony where Gia gets booted, with Jake making that face where it looks like he's trying to look pained but it just looks like he's taking a big dump.
Gia, to Harrison, is a little bit broken up watching it, and she talks about how hard it is for her to open up, and by the time she figured out he sent her home. Harrison says it was frustrating for everyone to watch, because it was obvious the chemistry was there. You know what else was there? CAMERAS! Why does this show want to make Gia feel like she's the weird one for not blathering about her personal business for people's entertainment? Especially since she'd been cheated on and was now dating a guy DATING OTHER WOMEN?
Man, for someone who has a hard time opening up, Gia sure is talking a lot. She jokes that for her boyfriend, she'll just open right up like Michelle did. Michelle laughs, not looking crazy, so that's good. But Gia should probably consider that things didn't exactly work out for Michelle.
Speaking of Michelle, she gets to come up, after Harrison jokes about how she might have shed more tears than any other contestant in the show's history. We watch the Michelle montage. "It will kill me if I don't get Jake," she said on the very first night. "I'm not ordinary like the other women," she said another time. There she is packing her bags. "Michelle! You are not!" yells a horrified Tenley. Hee! I love that part. More awkwardness with Michelle kissing Jake, right before she says, "You gotta give me something more than that," en route to her getting booted. There's Elizabeth saying Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband. Can't she have both?
Anyway, Michelle is still sticking to her story that she had no idea she would get booted. Harrison asks about her asking Jake to leave, which Michelle deludedly says wasn't a game. She says if she were in Jake's shoes, she would have done what he did. Harrison points out her complete vacillation between packing her bags and wanting to stay, and eventually Michelle says she doesn't think this show is a way to find love.
Ali has to step in because it's "offensive" for Michelle to say that, given that Ali fell in love. Yeah, how'd that work out for you, Ali? You're not exactly disproving Michelle's point, given that Michelle ended her run on the show with just as many husbands as you did. If Ali thinks this show is a good way to find love, she must have missed the part where Jake says Ali was in love with him, and he was in love with her. You know what happens in the real world when people are in love (by which I mean, actually in love, and not fake on-The-Bachelor love)? They stay together and have fun and also sex! Except for Jake's friends, who save the first kiss for their fifth anniversaries or whatever.
Then there is some discussion about whether her portrayal on the show was fair, with Elizabeth pointing out that Michelle was very closed off and wasn't nice to the other women unless they were on group dates. Ashleigh says they were in the limo together on the first night, and points out that right from the get-go that Michelle was upset every single night. Michelle tells Elizabeth that she doesn't need a therapist, and graciously doesn't point out that Elizabeth with her perma-Joker-smile looks a lot more crazy right now than Michelle does. And then there's Valishia, suggesting that Michelle might be just a LITTLE "emotionally unstable," and Michelle hilariously can't really be bothered responding to someone who I don't think even the other WOMEN remember being on the show. Michelle's pretty awesomely over the whole thing, despite the other women piling on her. Her attitude seems to be, "Shit happened, and then it was over."
After a commercial break, it's the Ali show, with Harrison talking about how she and Jake seemed to share something very special, but doesn't explain how it's different from any of the other special stuff the other women share with Jake. Ali goes to sit to Harrison, and then we watch the montage and remember what it was like back in the days when Ali was cute and sweet and funny (i.e. first episode), before she turned into the leader of the Mean Girls, and before she got all snot-nosed and crying because she couldn't give herself to give up a job she loves for a guy DATING THREE OTHER WOMEN. Ali gets a little teary-eyed watching the breakup, and tells Harrison it's really hard to watch. "It's Really Hard To Watch" is a pretty accurate assessment of every episode of this show. Jake calls it the "ultimate cruel joke" for her to fall in love and have it taken away. "Ultimate Cruel Joke" would make an awesome alternative title for this show.
Then Ali blabs on about how she doesn't deal with her feelings so much as plow them into her work (and you'd think Ali was some kind of brain surgeon the way she makes her work sound so important to her), and then she says something about how Jake owed her, and then she went home and had bills to pay, and yadda yadda yadda, and then she says our lives are measured by the risks you take, whatever THAT means, and then after all this she says she would do it differently if she did it again.
She cops to being mean when she said she was disappointed that Vienna specifically went on a one-on-one date, and she says everybody needs to be supportive of Vienna, who's getting trashed in the tabloids, and she apologizes to Vienna (if Vienna's watching). I guess that's nice. It's pretty easy to chastise EVERYONE ELSE for trashing Vienna after you've led the charge, but I guess it would be worse if she tried to defend the way she acted. Still, she doesn't seem to be aware of any responsibility for creating a Vienna-is-the-devil mentality among other people.
And "going forward" (god, I hate that phrase), she's going to put love first, and if she were to do it again, she would have put love first, and then gone home and "fought like hell" to get her job back, which makes the audience of sad, sad women applaud for some reason.
And we actually watch Rozlyn walk through the corridors behind the scenes. What is this, Jerry Springer? Hopefully!
So Rozlyn comes out wearing some sort of shiny sack. "First of all, it is good to see you again," says Harrison. Oooh, tough one from Harrison! He wants to make it clear that he never had any ill will towards her, and then they joke about having a cage match. Having said that, Harrison says Rozyln claims the show exaggerated or fabricated a lot of what was said. Like the voiceover in which one of the bachelorettes mention's Rozlyn's "sexual" relationship with a producer? No one brings it up. Fishy!
Rozlyn, speaking VERY quickly, says her friendship started with the producer when he came to her hometown for interviews, and nothing inappropriate happened. In fact, she says nothing physical happened between them, and they were always just friends. She's acting a little too ingénue to be believable, like she has no idea where this question about her relationship with the producer is going.
Harrison's all, so when I told you that a "line was crossed," why didn't you tell me I was out of my mind? And Rozlyn babbles about how she thought Harrison was talking about using the producer's phone to call her kid. And she intimates she didn't get to do that, and Ella calls bullshit on that (but given that this show clearly manipulates some of the drama, I don't find it that hard to believe), with Rozlyn snippily saying Ella's ex-husband signed the release so he could be on the show, and Valishia, who apparently has kids? Plural? Says this is a totally different thing. My theory? When Harrison confronted her about it, she had no idea that show didn't have any video of a physical relationship. By this point, she knows they apparently don't, or it would have surfaced by now. I mean, Rozlyn is a hundred times more outraged and surprised by these allegations of an inappropriate relationship tonight than she was when she was booted off the show. You're telling me that if someone accused you of an "inappropriate relationship" and "crossing a line," you'd think, "Yeah, the guy did let me use his phone"?
Rozyln outright denies that anything physical happened, and rather ridiculously looks surprised at the question, in a protesting-too-much kind of way. "I'm sorry you're having such a hard time understanding," she says. God, what a piece of work. Harrison says sometimes when his kids are talking about unicorns and magicians, he points out that the simplest story is usually the correct one. Which sounds kind of buzz-killing with his kids' imaginations, but you take his point. Rozlyn's story is all over the place.
"The only thing this has to do with was your inappropriate physical relationship with our producer," says Harrison, and an increasingly combative Rozlyn says she has no idea what this inappropriate relationship is that he's speaking of, and Harrison, visibly getting more annoyed, says we're going to be getting into it.
After the commercial break, Jake asks the women what it was that they saw, since Rozlyn has accused them of being vague. Christina says they all saw her cuddling 24/7, touching his thighs. "You guys are so silly," says Rozlyn, trying hard not to turn into a raging she-demon. Jessie tells her about seeing Rozlyn making out, swearing on her dog's life. Rozlyn swears on her child's life, that it never happened, drawing gasps from the audience. I gotta say, I don't think that's cool to do, innocent or guilty.
Ella relates HER face-down-ass-up story, and Harrison looks like he's really enjoying this. Rozlyn asks her about talking about "fried uteruses" like WHAT IS GOING ON AT THAT HOUSE and then they bicker back and forth for a while, with Rozlyn claiming that she has never said a bad word about any of them and how they are all beautiful, and the women have to say, "What the hell? This isn't about looks!" And Rozlyn invokes her poor kid to condemn the other women for making a mother look bad (and I have to say that there was enough footage of Rozyln making herself look bad that that's a ridiculous statement to make), and Ella self-righteously gets all "Well, I'm a mother and I would never do what you did" on her, and I'd like to point out that lots of people wouldn't consider leaving a kid behind to go on a horror show like The Bachelor in the first place.
And then there's Valishia, who we've seen more tonight than we did in all the episodes this season put together, and she talks about how they were friends and she didn't believe any of the rumors, but then one night she went to bed early because she was sick, and then she woke up and went looking for Rozlyn, who was nowhere to be found in the house. "I just don't think I believe you anymore," she says. As much as I don't believe a single word Rozlyn says -- her responses seem too fake; half the time she reacts like she's never heard these allegations before tonight. It's like she's worried about not seeming sufficiently vehement in her denials -- I have to say "I couldn't find you" isn't the most compelling evidence in the Rozlyn-producer tryst allegations.
"Answer me this, riddle me this, Chris," Rozlyn says, and points out that they have all these cameras around and yet somehow missed this big scandal, which she sarcastically calls "impressive" and then Harrison points out that she very well knows that the cameras aren't on all the time, that they're not recorded all the time. And the PRODUCER certainly knows when the cameras aren't on. Rozlyn talks a whole lot of nonsense about how the contract says anything may be recorded, so therefore why would she make out or more with the guy if she could be recorded? Harrison manages not to point out that no one is exactly accusing Rozlyn of being a rocket scientist.
Chris asks her outright if the three stories the other women just told are true, and Rozlyn says they're lying, and Harrison talks about the multiple stories are adding up, and Rozlyn says "Just because you say it doesn't make it true." Harrison points out he's not the one saying anything, and she snaps, "No, you just hide behind other people's speculation."
Harrison asks Rozlyn if her relationship with the producer has continued, and Rozlyn carefully is all, "You mean have we continued being friends and not fucking? Of course!" and says the guy recently visited her hometown, with his dad, and Harrison hilariously is all, "Oh, you met the parents," and then he asks the other bachelorettes if any of them have had any producers visit them in their hometowns, parents in tow. Nope! And now the other women start getting mad at Rozlyn for bashing the show, like I love how the women are all "you shall not badmouth the show!" Harrison asks why the show would have fired the producer, who was a friend of theirs, if nothing happened. Instead of answering that, she says she and the producer have talked about it, and it's news to the producer that he and Harrison were friends (although it seemed to me that Harrison was talking about the producer as being a friend of the show, and not his own personal drinking buddy): "Especially since you were hitting on his wife in New Zealand," she says, all proud of herself like this is some kind of checkmate moment. "I clearly won't dignify that with a response," says Harrison, adding that he hopes she's learned some life lessons and is a better person for what's happened. This whole thing is weird: it's like Rozyln wants to be accused of sleeping with the guy, so she can deny that specifically, but Harrison is sticking to vague accusations of impropriety.
Oh, and now Jake's coming out, which is going to be awful. Sure enough, he says "incredible journey" and "so amazing" inside of five seconds. And then when he was sitting on the bench with Gia, "my heart was crying." But he felt like it was the right thing to do. He apologizes to Gia.
Harrison asks about the night that Ali left, and Jake says he hated that she had to make that decision, and he thought that as the limo was leaving, he thought Ali would jump out of it and come back. And then Ali APOLOGIZES to him, and he calls her one of the most amazing women he's ever met, and she'll always have a friend. "Same," she says.
And hey, how about that two-on-one date where you pulled the trigger on both Kathryn and Ella? Kathryn is STILL practically crying about it when she talks about how she didn't really get a chance, and Jake blathers on about how he didn't think it was going to work. Somehow he manages not to say, "get over it."
Harrison asks Jake if he had any regrets, if he made any mistakes, and Jake singles out Christina, who he didn't know was so funny, and Christina tears up a little. I kinda wish one of these women could actually appear to be over Jake and not still crave his approval.
Then it's the blooper reel. Harrison sings "On the wings of love," and makes stewardess gestures, and Jake running in the shower, and Tenley hiding in a trunk to scare Gia, and Ali cracking up about something in an interview, and Corrie clearing the room with a fart, and then a bunch of flamingos ruining a dinner with Ella, and a car full of women recognizing Jake on a date with Ali, and Ashleigh flipping the bird. "Can you put this on TV?" she asks. Ashleigh: a constant study in elegance!
Harrison says he knows Jake can't reveal details, but is he happy with his decision? "Yes, I'm very happy," says Jake. Note: Harrison didn't ask if Jake was engaged.
And it's the Vienna and Tenley montages. Jake says he initially thought Vienna was a risky choice, because she's "young, blunt and intense." And hey, did you know that bungee-jumping was great for them as a couple? Jake certainly thinks so. And despite all the other women talking shit, he just woke up with an epiphany that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, which is true enough, I suppose. So Jake's falling for her, and Vienna says she's falling for him and have been waiting her whole life for someone like this. And then there is much talk of perfect matches.
And now it's Tenley's turn. Jake says they had an "immediate connection" which, as always, means, "She's real purty." Oh, what a surprise, Tenley's talking about her divorce. What odds! "Being with Jake gives me butterflies, makes my heart race," says Tenley. Dammit, she's just so nice, I can't be too mean to her. Although I giggle every time I hear her tell Jake that he makes her "heart smile." Jake says, "I want to commit to this girl and see where this relationship can go," which isn't exactly something you say about someone you're definitely ready to marry someone, is it?
In one week's time: the finale! Fortunately for me, I will be in the process of selling my house and driving cross-country, so someone else will be looking after it. Whether I even watch will have more to do with cable reception at whichever of Canada's fine motels I am in on the Monday night. Thanks for reading.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He thinks that sending in the last recap of a Bachelor season is about as close as he'll ever get to knowing what getting out of jail feels like. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.