Oh boy, it's the hometown dates episode! That's where the Bachelor visits the hometowns and families of the four women who are still standing in this grim death march towards Us Weekly covers and blessed, blessed obscurity. It's where parents pretend to be proud of their daughters, who this week are on television, being watched by millions, competing to be one of just three women who will be allowed to spend the night with this guy!
We start in Ocala, Florida, which is Lindzi's hometown, and we come in on a swamp with signs warning of alligators, but not gonorrhea. Lindzi's on a farm, wearing cowboy boots with real spurs. She tells some story about some guy breaking her heart, and how she "literally" thought life would end after that. Ben talks about Lindzi, saying the non-committal stuff that Bachelors do when they're not sure about someone, how he could see himself falling in love with Lindzi. Meanwhile, she's excited for Ben to be just the second man she's brought home to meet her family.
And now they're riding a carriage being pulled by a horse, and she says horses have been a part of her life since before she was born, whatever THAT'S supposed to mean.
And now they are having a picnic and Ben is talking about how great horses or some bullshit, like SHUT UP ABOUT HORSES like you'd think these two invented horses the way they're going on. And then they start using phrases like "putting yourself out there" in that Bachelor-specific non-speak non-actual-conversation think that people do on this show.
And now Lindzi is telling Ben about how she thought she was going to marry the last asshole she brought home to her parents, and this earns the Ben "she's opening up!" seal of approval, and he talks about how he saw a serious side, a sweet side, a soft side, of Lindzi, and then it's off to meet her parents.
Lindzi heartbreakingly introduces Ben as her "boyfriend" to Margie and Harry, and they are offering Ben some wine while they sit outside on some wicker furniture, and now they are talking about their relationship as though they are a real couple or something. And he learns that her parents were married at the San Francisco City Hall, which is where he and Lindzi had their first date, and Ben is all "What are the odds?" which is a weird way of pronouncing "coincidence."
And now Lindzi's dad is challenging Ben to a carriage race and ordering him to trash talk, and Ben and Lindzi lose, which means they have to pull the parents' carriage back to the house, and I kept hoping Ben would break a leg, because that would mean they'd have to shoot him.
Now Lindzi is talking to her mom about Ben, and Margie likes him, but she's worried about Ben picking someone else. And then Ben sits down with Margie and he babbles nervously about how he never realized how Lindzi's love of horses stems from her mom, and her mom is talking about how they "kept her away from boys" and she had her heart broken by someone last year. Ben asks if she thinks Lindzi would be ready to be engaged, and Margie says she thinks so. And now Ben is asking Harry the most convoluted question ever: "Do you think I would have your blessing if some day down the line and maybe I was thinking about possibly considering thinking about buying a promise ring if at some point Lindzi and were possibly considering about taking the step," and then Lindzi's dad doesn't beat him senseless, which was kind of confusing.
And now it's later and Lindzi's dad toasts Ben and says he would be honored to have Ben as a son-in-law, because you can really know something like that after hanging out with a guy for an afternoon.
And now Ben and Lindzi are alone and making out, and Lindzi is telling us that she never thought a year ago that she'd be so happy today. Keep in mind that she's seeing Ben off for THREE MORE DATES EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE, so yay for denial, Lindzi!
It's over to Clarksville, Tennessee, which is Kacie's hometown, and we go to Stratford High School (home of the Spartans!) and Kacie is at "Buster Boguskie Field," and Kacie is my favorite of the remaining victims, despite her nauseating "I want to hug him and kiss him" blah blah here. When Ben walks into "the stadium" (it's really just a field with a few bleachers, there is a high school marching band there playing some music to greet him, with Kacie twirling a baton behind them. If I ever found out that my daughter's school sent her out to play music for The Bachelor my fury would know no bounds. Anyway, Kacie jumps into Ben's arms. He's happy that Kacie is going to such great lengths to please him.
So this field is named after Kacie's grandfather, and she talks about how inspired she is by her grandparents' love, which is one of those deals where her grandfather dies and the grandmother died not long after, and I think Kacie is trying to make it sound sweet, so it's disconcerting when she says "she died of a broken heart" while smiling.
Ben gets nervous hearing about Kacie's father, who is a federal probation officer who doesn't drink. "This is the Bible Belt, Ben!" she says, and Ben at least has the presence of mind to point out that Tennessee knows a thing or two about booze itself.
"I'm very sure I love Ben," Kacie tells us. She wants her parents to see this is a real relationship, which might be tough if they have any idea what The Bachelor is about. She says her dad has been supportive but skeptical of her being on The Bachelor.
Everyone -- Kacie's mom, dad and sister make up the family contingent -- sit down for dinner and Kacie and Ben babble about feelings. And then Kacie sits down with her sister Allison and tells her Ben is her future husband, and maybe she's hoping that the law of averages would suggest that The Bachelor might produce a wedding at SOME point. She says she wants her sister's opinion, but then all we see is Kacie -- sounding defensive and unsure, if I'm being honest -- babbling about how this is what she wants to do and she hopes her parents see that, and Allison just has to sit there listening.
And now Ben is sitting down with Kacie's dad, who isn't exactly brimming over with anecdotes, prompting Ben to say Kacie told him that her father is a little skeptical about this, and Kacie's dad admits it. "If Kacie is not the one, I would hope that that would be communicated to her very soon to keep her from maybe getting hurt more," says her dad. Ben's not sure if Kacie's dad likes him, which I hate to tell Ben doesn't sound like a character flaw to me.
Ben hopes that Kacie's mom will be easier on him. She rattles off a list of qualities that she hopes Kacie will find in a partner, like courage and integrity, and you're thinking, "Wow, you must be really disappointed in Ben." Then she says she's watched a lot of the show, and she's concerned how many of the couples wind up moving in together, and Ben makes noises like he respects her opinion but he doesn't exactly promise that won't happen. He says there may be things they don't see eye-to-eye on, which translates to, "I'm going to plow your daughter if I want to plow your daughter." As for the mom, if she's watched the show a lot, she should know that there are plenty of things to be worried about (specifically, week) but a successful relationship is pretty far down the list.
And now Kacie sits down with her dad, who urges her not to rush anything, and Kacie says she's fallen in love with Ben, and if Ben proposed to her, she'd say yes. Her dad asks if the "other women" are also in love with Ben, and Kacie can't respond other than to say she doesn't know. Her dad also says if Ben asked him if he could marry Kacie, he'd say no. Kacie says a lot of things that aren't "Well, this isn't the 19th century and it's not up to you." She says she's scared because a lot of things are going wrong and she doesn't know what's going to happen. It's a very somber parting for the two of them.
up is Fort Worth, Texas, Nicki's hometown. Ben talks about how much he loves Texas, like Texas horses and Texas steers and "Texas mickeys" and he meets up with Nicki and because it's Texas they have to go buy cowboy boots and cowboy hats, and then they stroll around Fort Worth making asses of themselves.
Nicki and Ben talk about Nicki's failed marriage, with Nicki saying that being so young, she leapt into something she shouldn't have, and her parents are going to be concerned about her daughter being hurt again. She says they'll have questions for him, and he's all, "I hope they do!" which is awful magnanimous of him.
They arrive at Nicki's dad's house, or her mom's house, or something. Her parents are divorced, but Nicki is happy that they're both still such a part of her life. She also says she couldn't marry someone her parents don't approve of. That's usually a sentiment that makes me think a person isn't mature enough to get married at all.
After Ben meets the family Nicki goes into the bedroom where she and her mom sit cross-legged on the bed for some girl talk on how she's falling in love with Ben. But since she's a "daddy's girl" it's apparently her father's opinion that's the important one, and this could be a dealbreaker.
She tells her dad, Doug, that she's falling in love with Ben. And here we go again with the "I don't want to see you get hurt" talk, and he says he might have given her hand too readily in marriage last time, and he tells us that he let her down ... by ceding his ownership of her daughter to the wrong person, I suppose? God, spare me. Anyway, I'm not sure what they decide in their little talk. That they love each other? I guess? Everyone's just waiting to see the freakshow that Courtney brings Ben home, right?
Anyway, Nicki and Ben sit down to dinner with the family, and Doug leads a toast, and it's a blessing, but it's a convoluted conditional blessing, given that Ben is dating three other women.
Later, Ben and Nicki have a talk about what a great day this is. "I'm falling in love with you," Nicki tells him. Ben's hilarious response: "Really!" She talks about love some more, and he's all, "Mmm-hmm!" This show, sometimes. I mean. When Ben eventually dumps her, she's going to get her hands on a flamethrower, I guarantee it.
Anyway, obviously we're going to have Courtney's date last, and I was expecting to be like the beginning of Halloween (the original), where Dr. Loomis drives up to the sanitarium and the inmates are all wandering around the grounds. Instead it's in Scottsdale, which is considerably sunnier than Smith's Grove Sanitarium.
She greets Ben wearing a white dress (that will be important later), and she's the first woman on a hometown date to mention the other women. She says she feels bad about the way she's treated the other women. I hate to say it, she seems softer and nicer and everything. Maybe it's just because she's at home and isn't drunk all the time.
So Ben meets Rick, Courtney's dad, and Sherry, her mom. She's excited to introduce her family to someone she doesn't think will break her heart. It's cute that she thinks that! Courtney tells her family that she really digs Ben, and then her sister tries to pin her down a little, as to whether she's fallen for him or falling for him, and Courtney says, "I like/love him," like how inane is this conversation. Courtney's mom tells us that she'd be surprised if Courtney actually is in love. We also see where Courtney gets her pursed-lips skeptic's face.
Courtney and her sister blah-blah, and Ben and her dad, blah-blah, and then Courtney and her mom blah-blah. The main thing is that her mom likes Ben and is now convinced that Courtney does love him, so she's OK with it. Courtney's dad is so nice that I feel bad imagining what it's like when he watches the show later and sees his daughter taking her clothes off for the camera.
And where all the other dates ended after the visit with the family ended, Ben and Courtney are now going on a picnic, while Courtney is ominously talking about how she hasn't yet told Ben that she loves him, and it's hard for her to open up because every guy she's ever known has "betrayed" her. Not to be too melodramatic about it or anything, Courtney.
Anyway, they're at a place that there's also an outdoor wedding venue, and Courtney says she's always pictured herself getting married here. She tells us she's got a surprise planned for him, and Ben's getting a little worried. They wander over and sit down in the seats set up for the wedding, and Ben discovers that Courtney has all the props needed for their own pretend (?) wedding. They actually write vows for each other.
And now there is a minister or something on the stage, and they have this mock wedding where they read their vows (Ben has a bowtie on that Courtney provided). Ben talks about her, I don't know, her righteous booty, let's say. This nonsense is all an elaborate way for Courtney to tell Ben that she loves him, but apparently just saying, "I love you," isn't an option. "I want you to know I'm falling in love with you," she says. "Wow!" says Ben, completely topping his conversation with Nicki. She's all proud of herself, so I hate to point out to her that wrapping everything up in a fake wedding makes her sentiments seem less sincere, not genuine.
"We are not Mr. and Mrs. Flavkasdkfj yet, but it felt good to try it on for size," Courtney tells us. Then they drive off in an SUV with "Almost Married" on the back window. Just when you're thinking Courtney seems like a halfway normal human-type person, she goes and has a fake wedding.
Back to L.A. now. I see we're at the part of the season where they don't have enough material to fill two hours so we have to fill time by having Chris Harrison sit down with Ben so they can talk about what happened, and they show clips of things WE JUST SAW like CUT THIS SHOW DOWN TO AN HOUR, PLEASE. Eventually, Chris says, "Good luck, bud," and goes, leaving Ben to stare at pictures of the remaining women, kind of like the mugshots you look at when you're at a police station and you're trying to identify someone who committed a crime.
Hooray, the rose ceremony! Someone's going home! Chris Harrison prattles on about how the last time they were here, it was the first night, and Ben hadn't managed to kiss everyone yet!
Ben comes out and tells them his heart is beating out of his chest, and it was an incredible week, and he thanks their families. Blah blah most difficult decision blah blah don't want to hurt you blah blah eye-opening week.
< p>Let's get culling! Courtney. Oh, godDAMmit. Lindzi. Chris oozes out of the shadows. "Ladies, Ben, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready," he says. Well, don't interrupt! The final rose goes to Nicki.Kacie keeps smiling, but it looks like something is cracking behind her eyes. She hugs the other women (well, Lindzi and Nicki, anyway) and then Ben walks her out to a lobby, where they sit down on a bench and she starts to cry, and Ben says, "This breaks my heart" like YOU'RE dumping HER, you idiot, and Kacie tells him not to be broken-hearted, which is kind of spineless, but on the whole she handles it with grace and aplomb and he sees her off into the waiting limo, where she's free to cry alone in peace. "Why does it have to hurt so bad?" she says, adding she had no clue it was coming. "Why am I not good enough? Like, I don't get it," she wails. "This is why I don't love! This is why! I loved him and I don't know what to do now!" God, I feel dirty just watching this. "What the fuck happened? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?" she sobs.
Ben comes out and has the gall to talk about how tough it was on him to dump one of his girlfriends, but he manages to pull through and tell them that the place they're going is perfect for falling in love. It's an alpine adventure in Switzerland. May I suggest a visit to an army knife factory where an unfortunate accident might occur?
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's confused because he didn't completely hate Courtney this week. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.