By Kim
The women are all sitting around in the living room, chatting, and trying to look like a PA didn't just come in and tell them to all sit around in the living room and pretend that they are chatting. Chris Harrison walks in and is all, "Oh, sorry to interrupt," and seriously, why do they have to maintain this charade? We know they are on a television show. They know they are on a television show. The producers don't have to pretend this is just a group of women who decided to all move into a house together and compete for the love of one bass fisherman. Just have them artificially lined up, like in the Rose Ceremony, and get on with it. Anyway. Chris tries to make small talk about how exciting the last couple of days have been, and not one of the women responds. Heh. Chris quickly moves on, explaining that two new houseguests will be moving in today. The women still don't really respond. Are they drugged? Where is the "Woooooooo"?
After a reality-show pause, Byron walks in with his dog, Sabrina. Oh, look at the puppy. What a good dog! I wish the show were about the dog instead of Byron. Not the dog dating the women. Ew. Maybe just an hour of the dog doing cute things. God knows it would be more intellectually stimulating. I think Byron is wearing white pants, which is never a good look for a guy. Or a lady, usually, but especially not on a guy. Kelly's dog runs up and starts sniffing Sabrina. See? The dogs are so much more interesting already. Byron interviews that being in the house will give him the chance to get to know the women even better. Chris explains that there are no rules about living together in the same mansion, and again, the women are strangely subdued. Get some champagne in there, stat! Chris keeps talking, explaining that Byron will be going on two one-on-one dates, and the women don’t have much time to jockey for position, because the first date is that night.
Chris asks Andrea, Kelly, and Kristie to show Byron to his room. Why those three? They could have at least pretended there was some semblance of fairness and drawn names or gone in alphabetical order or something. Krysta interviews that the women who aren't afraid to be assertive (read: slutty) can sneak over to Byron's room. Byron and his helpers arrive at the poolhouse or the guesthouse or some other totally separate living quarters. So it's not like he's in the room down the hall from the women. They have to go outside of their house to get to his place. Byron asks the women for help decorating his place. Isn't he only going to be there for a few weeks? It's like when celebrities say in InStyle that they bring candles or tons of photos or other knickknacks with them when they travel to make it feel like home. It just seems like so much hassle. Then again, I moved into my house two years ago and I still have boxes I haven't unpacked. Andrea interviews that she's wanted to be married for a long time, but that she's been waiting for the right person, and that person is Byron. Crazy! Byron does an orange-juice toast to his "new roommates," and the women laugh really hard and then he adds, "My roommates door," and the women laugh even harder. In case you wondered why sometimes pretty people think they are funny when they aren't, here's why. People laugh at their jokes to try to get in their pants. Not that I think Byron's pretty, but these women obviously do.
Some of the other women play pool and sit around. How boring must it be with no television, no radio, no books or newspapers, and no leaving the house? Jayne interviews that she was happy to hear that Byron was moving into the house because she's terrible on dates, and this will allow her to get to know him in a more relaxed setting. Yeah, as long as he's not hiding out in his guest house the whole time. Jayne sits on the hearth in the most unflattering pose ever. I think she has a bikini top on under her shirt, and her boobs are about two-thirds of the way down her chest. Get an underwire!
In the kitchen, Tanya and Elizabeth discuss the day's events. Elizabeth is wearing a newsboy cap, which would be bad enough if they were going out to a club or something, but just to hang around the house? Lame. Tanya interviews that she's been dating for a long time, and that she's pretty much done with it. Tanya says something about a connection and being assertive, but she lost me at "connection."
Kristie interviews that after they got Byron settled into his house, he decided that there would be some one-on-one time. Byron asks Kelly to talk with him outside. Kristie interviews that Kelly voted for Jay, but now she's all about Byron. Well, obviously. If she were still all about Jay, she would have left.
Once they are alone, Byron asks Kelly what her passion is, and she says that her passion is relationships. Wow, how boring. And also, what a weird answer. Byron asks about Kelly's past serious relationships, and Kelly admits that none has lasted longer than two years. Byron says that sounds like a challenge. And then they are done talking. Kelly interviews that none of them are new to dating, and that some of them have been engaged or even married. The two dogs seem to get along well, if that means anything. Kelly interviews that Byron is a great guy, and seems ready to settle down.
Byron walks back to the main house for lunch with the three women who helped him decorate. Andrea immediately starts catering to Byron by making him a sandwich. Krysta interviews that Andrea is "like a lovesick puppy dog." Byron interviews that emotion is already "coming into play," and that this is going to be a difficult decision. Just once, I would love for The Bachelor to be like, "Well, this first elimination should be pretty easy because there are a couple of loons and a couple of real dogs. Then it will get more difficult." After taking one bite of his sandwich, Byron announces that he's going to leave to get ready for the date, which won't be happening for, like, five hours. It would be funny if he walked out the door and spit out the bite of sandwich, and then fed the rest to his dog. Tanya interviews that they all wondered who Byron would choose for his date that night, and that they all wanted the opportunity to get to know him since there is going to be a Rose Ceremony soon.
Krysta angrily tells another woman that she wants to go on the one-on-one date tonight. Byron interviews that he wrote out an invitation for his date and put it on a podium by the pool. Krysta spies it and runs over to get it. Hey! No running by the pool! The wet concrete is slick and you could fall...oh, wait. It's Krysta. I don't really care if she falls. Krysta grabs the envelope and dances around until the rest of the women join her for the big announcement. She pulls out a slip of paper and says that Cheresse will be joining Byron on a date. The women scream and clap. I guess the drugs wore off, because they are back to their manic state. Andrea has a look on her face like, "How could he not love me? What did I do wrong? I made him a sandwich!" Cheresse interviews that she's excited about the date, but also nervous, because she fears that it means that Byron is unsure whether or not she should stick around.
Krysta complains that Byron didn't choose her, and wonders what she did wrong. Um, spoke? Showed your face? Wore an ill-fitting bikini? Krysta interviews that she was disappointed. She pulls another woman aside and says her stomach is flipping. The other woman tells Krysta to steal her moment. Krysta realizes that she needs to "get [her] A game on" and that "this has all been warm-ups." If she's been this obnoxious during warm-ups, I can't imagine what comes . Will she just walk around naked? Wear a sign that says, "I'll blow you if you choose me"? Murder all the other women in their sleep? Tell me you can't see her doing any or all of those things. I'd actually like to see the producers tells Krysta and Andrea that they are the final two and that they have to take out their competition in order to win. That would be a show worth watching. It would be like Series 7, except that the women would be in bikinis, and talk about "connections" all the time.
Later that night, Byron walks over to the main house to pick up Cheresse for their date. Byron interviews that he wants to find out more about how Cheresse feels about relationships. Cheresse interviews that she's dated a lot of commitmentphobes in the past, so she hopes Byron is looking for commitment. They get into their limo to be whisked away to a secret location. Well, secret to Cheresse. Byron totally knows where they are going. Cheresse explains that she was shocked that he picked her, because she didn't know if she would make it past the first Rose Ceremony. Byron interviews that they got along well, and that it felt natural.
The two of them arrive at a club, which is completely empty. Except for Brandy! Luckily, an announcer yells out that Brandy is giving a performance as the couple walks in, because you know otherwise Cheresse might have been like, "Who in the hell is that? Did she win American Idol or something?" Because Brandy? Not that famous. I mean, I know who she is, but mostly because she has that song "Have You Ever" which consistently uses the incorrect form of the pronoun, and I use it in my classes as an example of pronoun non-agreement. Because I'm a nerd. Anyway, Brandy isn't so much giving a performance as a rehearsal, and it's all very sloppy and poorly lit. Byron and Cheresse seem thrilled though. In order to fulfill their contractual obligation, the editors show Brandy for like ten minutes. Even more amusing is that the song she's "performing" seems to be about a woman who thinks her man is cheating, because he looked at another woman. How romantic! What a great first date song! Brandy finishes her song and gives Byron and Cheresse hugs. Brandy has absolutely nothing to say, so she leaves.
Back at the house, Krysta must be drunk, because she has put on an apron with no clothing underneath. That can't be sanitary. I don't think I would want someone's naked ass in a kitchen that we share. She's pretending to do a cooking show, but she can barely talk because she's cracking herself up so much. I notice that the four women watching her aren't laughing all that hard. In fact, a few of them look downright embarrassed for her. Kristie interviews that Krysta is a little out of control, and that she's trying to draw attention to herself. You think?
Back on the date, Cheresse is still shocked that Brandy was there. Byron interviews that they started talking about relationships and their failures. Byron thinks that you have to fall for what's inside someone, because everything else fades. Wow. He's just now figuring that out at forty? I think there is a giant TV screen showing a football game behind them, but the PAs covered it with a curtain. It's distracting. Cheresse interviews that she thinks Byron is someone who would respect a woman, which is what she wants. Cheresse "jokes" that Byron should tell the others to go home.
Back at the house, Kristie interviews that she decided to leave Byron a note to let him know that she's happy he's living there, and that she's looking forward to getting to know him better. Kristie takes her note, bundles it up with about three flowers, and sets it against Byron's door.
Ominous music plays as Krysta walks out by the pool and sits down. She interviews that she realized she had some things to tell Byron, so she wrote him a note. Krysta walks over to leave Byron's note, and sees Kristie's note. Krysta interviews that she thought she could do better than three flowers, so she goes and gathers bunches of flowers to leave with her note. Kristie interviews that Krysta was trying to outdo her, which bothered her. Well, it is a game. And plus, if Byron decides he likes Krysta better because she left more flowers, and if he can't figure out her game of one-upmanship, he deserves Krysta.
Byron and Cheresse return to the house and share a chaste kiss. Cheresse interviews that she feels like Byron knows they have chemistry, but that there are a lot of other women in the competition. Byron interviews that if all of his dates go that well, he's going to be in a lot of trouble. Byron reaches his door and finds the assorted notes and flowers there. It looks like the gates of Buckingham Palace after Princess Diana died. Byron interviews that he doesn't know if the two notes were a coincidence, or the beginning of "some competitiveness in the house." The beginning of being competitive? They've been competing all along. Didn't he get the memo?
The day, Krysta pulls Kristie aside and asks what's going on. Krysta -- looking like a naked mole rat with her pink face, blonde hair, and red tank top -- interviews that "it's a free note country" and that she "can leave whatever the fuck notes [she] want[s]." Hee! "A free note country." How can someone over the age of thirteen say that with a straight face? To Kristie's face, Krysta explains that she didn't know that Kristie wrote a note too. Kristie is not appeased. Krysta sticks to her story. Kristie interviews that she's not buying what Krysta is selling, and specifically, that she thinks Krysta is "full of shit." Hilarious cut to the two women hugging and apologizing. Hee! Nice job, editors.
Amanda (who?) talks to Leina outside, and asks what she's going to do. Leina says that her heart is somewhere else. That sounds dangerous. Amanda interviews that she knew Leina was upset, and that Leina said that she had feelings for another person. Leina admits that she might be leaving the game. Leina interviews that the other girls seem so excited about Byron, and that she doesn't feel that way, but that she does feel that way about her "best friend." I just realized that they never said that the "other person" in Leina's life was a man. Maybe she went gay! Maybe the prospect of kissing Byron turned her gay! That would be awesome. "Not only am I not attracted to you personally, Byron, you have ruined it for all men." Amanda counsels Leina that Byron doesn't want anyone there that doesn't want to be there.
The women chill out in the pool, and someone's wearing a thong bikini, because her ass is blurred out. Tanya interviews that the date invitation had arrived, and that they were all anxious to find out who would receive it. After a fake drumroll, someone announces that Jayne is going on the date. Cynthia interviews that she's upset that she didn't get the date, and that she's worried that Byron isn't going to know her. Jayne interviews that the date is important to her, because she's getting older and realizing that if she doesn't open up to someone soon, it might be too late. It's never too late! Except for having kids. That does have a time limit for women. But you could always adopt! I like Jayne. One of the women asks Jayne, who seems quiet, if she's not excited about the date, and Jayne says that she's just nervous.
Byron picks Jayne up, and they go fishing. Is that really a vacation? That would be like me taking someone on a date where we watch television or teach a class. Okay, I do watch television on vacation, but I don't recap it. Usually. Byron pulls out his rod (dirty!) and starts fishing, and then teaches Jayne how to cast. Jayne catches a fish right away. Byron helps her to reel it in. Jayne interviews that she saw how exciting it was to catch a fish, and that she understands why Byron would want to do that with his life. Byron unhooks the fish and makes Jayne kiss it, and then lets it go. Byron interviews that he couldn't believe Jayne kissed it, because she's a girl, and girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. No wonder his first marriage ended in divorce. I mean, I don't particularly want to kiss a fish, but I could if I had to. I'd much rather kiss it than clean it. Although I've done that too.
Jayne and Byron sit out in a rowboat with glasses of wine. Jayne interviews that she was having so much fun that she forgot to be nervous or worried, and then she mentions a connection. Byron continues fishing and talks about how much he enjoys watching Jayne fish. Byron interviews that it was a dream date. Aren't they getting eaten alive by mosquitoes? I hope Production provided them with some Off.
Byron interviews that after the fishing was done, they decided to have dinner. Byron grills some fish, and they eat. Byron offers up a toast to Jayne's first fish. They sip wine, and then Byron asks how she is enjoying the date. Jayne admits that she was worried she wouldn't come out of her shell. Byron interviews that Jayne is shy, but optimistic, and "open to the concept of love," whatever that means. Jayne says that it's easier to stay in the back of the pack, and Byron promises that he'll dig to the back of the pack to get to her.
Back at the house, Amanda and Leina walk into the living room, hand-in-hand. She IS gay! Just kidding. Leina says that she has an announcement, and immediately starts crying. She hems and haws before finally admitting that she left someone at home, and that she wants to leave. She still hasn't mention the person's gender. Wende interviews that "Little Miss Hawaii" left, which made the cut smaller, so Wende is pretty psyched that Leina's leaving.
On the date, Jayne asks Byron if he really thought he'd meet his soulmate on the show, and Byron says that's why he did it, but that it's not a given. Jayne says that she's not sure. Byron asks if Jayne's shyness is really just an attempt to protect herself, and Jayne admits that usually she's the one being pursued. Jayne interviews that her shyness isn't due to her feelings for Byron. Jayne explains that she gets frustrated with herself, and that she needs to make it happen. Byron thinks it's mutual.
Leina sneaks into Byron's place and leaves a letter on his bed. She doesn't even pet the dog! What kind of monster is she? Leina packs her bags and leaves immediately. She didn't even wait and tell Byron face-to-face? I can't believe the producers let her get away with that.
Byron and Jayne say good night, and Byron kisses her on the cheek. Jayne interviews that she feels like she's falling for Byron, but that there are many other woman waiting for him back at the house. Byron and Jayne walk into the house. Byron interviews that he could see himself falling for Jayne, but that she needs to come out of her shell.
Byron walks into his place and greets the dog before reading the letter from Leina. Byron interviews that he knows "the man that [Leina] is with will be very lucky." Finally, someone was gender-specific. Not that it matters, but all the dancing around made me curious. Byron finishes the letter and mutters to himself that it's cool. Sure. It makes his decision easier.
The women sit around and chatter in their evening gowns. As you do. Elizabeth interviews that they're all hoping to get one last chance to talk to Byron before he makes his decision. Chris meets with Byron and reveals that, in a break with tradition, there won't be a party tonight before the Rose Ceremony. Chris says that because Byron lives with the women, he's already had a chance to get to know them better. Sure, during that...thirty seconds that he ate one bite of a sandwich. Has he spent any more time with them besides that? Chris throws Byron a bone and says that he'll be allowed to choose three women to have some one-on-one time with before the Rose Ceremony. Chris refers to it as a "last chance." Byron chooses Natalie, Jayne, and Kristie. Hey, Jayne already got a date! I don't know what that's all about.
Andrea starts crying, of course, forcing the other women to tell her that she's definitely getting a rose tonight, like, why not save your tears until after the ceremony, or even better, for something that actually matters? Krysta can't keep away from the drama. Andrea interviews that she's overwhelmed with emotions, and that she's really hoping for a rose.
Byron interviews that he hoped talking to three women would make his decision easier, but that it actually made it harder. He's not looking forward to the Rose Ceremony, but knows it will lead him closer to his soulmate. Bleh.
It's time for the Recapper's Dream...I mean, "Rose Ceremony." Lots of long pauses and not much dialogue. to the montage, this is what recappers dream about. Chris explains that there are ten roses and fourteen roses, and then emphasizes that the women can refuse the rose if they don't want to continue. God, I wish that would happen more often. Byron thanks the women for welcoming his dog and him into the house, and then picks up the first rose and offers it to Tanya, whose red gown complements her red, sunburned skin. up is Amanda, who reminds me of Estella for some reason. I think it's her slightly nasal voice. Byron offers a rose to Elizabeth, and I wish he would say something about her being the chocolate in his milk, because you know they're all thinking it. Cheresse gets the rose, even though she didn't put out on their date. Cheresse is wearing a Pucci-inspired gown that is not at all inspired. Andrea gets a rose, thank God, because I didn't want to see what would happen if she didn't. They have to save her eviction for a week that needs more drama. Which would be all of them, if you ask me. Byron offers Susie (Whosie?) a rose. I like her dress; it's lavender satin and it's pretty. The to get a rose is Jayne, and when she walked out, I saw Elizabeth's dress, and boy is it ugly. It's multicolored and beaded and spangled, and it's something you would see in a store and think, "Who would buy that?" The answer is Elizabeth. Kristie gets the rose, so I guess her sales pitch worked. Don't encourage her, Byron. Speaking of not encouraging people, Byron gives the rose to Krysta. Ugh. Usually I root for the bitchy contestants on these shows, but she is just horrible. Chris announces the final rose, for those listening to the show on the radio, and then Byron presents it to Cindy. There are seriously about ten women whose names I don't know at all. Cindy walks up to Byron very strangely, like she's about to faint or something. She's a weirdo.
The women who weren't chosen (Ashley, Wende, Kelly, and Natalie) say their goodbyes. Ashley interviews that she's not as aggressive as some of the other women are. Wende interviews that she and Byron connected once, but didn't get the chance to reconnect. You mean, connections can be broken? I have so much to learn. Kelly is wearing a fuchsia sequined poncho. I wish I were kidding about that. Kelly theorizes that she and Byron just aren't a good match. Yes, she doesn't like bass, and he hates sequins. But what about their dogs? Natalie interviews that she thought she would get a rose, and then she didn't. She really, really needs to work on that hair. I hope seeing herself on television helps in that regard. Byron and the women toast themselves, and we're out.