By Daniel
Chris Harrison calls this "the most controversial finale in Bachelor history," which can't possibly be true BEFORE THE FUCKING THING AIRS. Ben is on a train going through a tunnel, which is either unintentionally hilarious or intentionally hilarious. Ben reminds us that he is currently banging Lindzi and Courtney, and he loves both of them, despite wanting more time with Lindzi and having some concerns about Courtney. And now we are forced to listen to that awful song about how "This year's love had better last," which of course is a sly commentary on the failure rate of this show. Ben hangs out in the shadow of the Matterhorn, which inspires him somehow.
And now his mom and sister show up, and he acts surprised to see them. His mom tells him he looks great, which just means that the producers finally forced Ben to wash the five-year leave-in conditioner out of his hair for the finale.
He tells his mom and sister that he needs some "outside perspective" and his mom says that they're there for him, and I think he's assigning them to dig up some dirt on the two broads that he has to choose from.
He talks about Lindzi first, who "lights up the room," Ben says for the fiftieth time already this episode. And now his sister is asking him if there was any woman who didn't get along with the other women, like try not to make it obvious how much you've been coached, and as Ben explains that yes, Courtney and the other women repel each other like The Bachelor and common sense, which his sister calls a "red flag."
And then Harrison arrives to tell us they have a special treat, and that they've assembled some of the summer's hottest heroes, by which he means they're just showing a trailer for The Avengers. I swear to GOD, this show.
Then Switzerland's long national nightmare continues as Lindzi shows up for a hug and a kiss with Ben, and they walk hand in hand to his chalet so she can meet his family. Ben introduces Julie or Julia and Barbara, and Lindzi tells us that she's fallen in love with Ben and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Was that before or after Ben refers to his mom and sister as "my two ladies"? Because, ugh.
They sit down for lunch or supper or whatever they eat in Switzerland, and because this show is two hours of all filler, no killer, the mere act of Lindzi dropping her cutlery is treated like some kind of dealbreaker.
And now Lindzi is telling Ben's mom about how passionate Ben is, which is hilarious given that we never see Ben display any emotional level above that of someone in a coma. Barbara says it was sweet to meet her.
And then Julia goes out to the deck so we can look at the Ben-inspiring Matterhorn while Julia blathers on about how you have to go into things a hundred per cent, or you might lose someone like Ben, like that is some kind of scary prospect. And Lindzi is talking about how she went into this thinking it would be fun, and how weird it is to actually fall in love. And I hate how every man and woman on this show does this: at the beginning, they all pretend that they're there in all serious. And by the end, they pretend that they just did it for a lark and then it got serious. EVERY DAMN TIME.
And then Julia wants to know about this other chick, Courtney, and the music shifts, and Lindzi says the two of them are very different from each other, and then the jaunty acoustic guitar starts up and Julia is apparently convinced that Lindzi is awesome and they hug.
She tells Ben that she liked Lindzi, and she says she's convinced Lindzi wants to give herself to him. News flash, Julia: the overnight dates were a couple episodes ago. Ben tells us it's been a great day, and he's glad Lindzi was well-received. Lindzi says Ben's family is "awesome" and I bet the Flahskaksjfk family is excited to get the incredibly discerning Lindzi's seal of approval.
Barbara tells us that she thinks Lindzi is "the total package" when it comes to women who could totally be possibly ready for a potential marriage if Ben maybe proposes a potential marriage.
And then Julia is expressing concern when Ben talks about Courtney being a model, because I guess not getting along with other people is one thing, but being considered pretty enough for people to want to pay you to take your picture is quite another. Anyway, red flag!
The day, Ben goes outside to whack it while looking at the Matterhorn or whatever, and now Ben is telling us that his sister and mom have already heard a couple of negative things about Courtney, so either they HAVE been coached, or Ben is admitting to saying negative things about Courtney I guess.
Inside, Barbara and Julia are having the world's boringest conversation about Courtney and Julia says "red flag" again.
And then Courtney shows up, still playing the role of the apple-cheeked sweetheart who totally knows what humans are talking about when they talk about love, and who totally doesn't have a fist where her heart should be.
Then Barbara and Julia are asking Courtney, "So, you're a model, I guess that means people always assume you're a bitch, right?" and Courtney acknowledges how "judgy" the other women were, and since there's not really anyone there to contradict her, Courtney's telling the "I tried to be nice but the other women were so mean to me" story.
Julia and Courtney go out on the deck so Julia can talk about how much she loves using the phrase "red flag" and then Courtney is not using her Sigourney-Weaver-as-Zuul voice as she does her best to win over Julia. And then inside with Barbara, she praises Ben and talks about how vulnerable she feels and talking about the connection she feels.
So Ben asks Julia what her first impressions of Courtney are, and Julia plays coy because she's obviously been coached to try to pretend she's going to slam Courtney but then announces how awesome she thinks Courtney is, and because Courtney managed not to slag other women off for ten minutes while snorting cocaine and making herself vomit in the bathroom, this has apparently put to rest in Ben's mind all this nonsense that Courtney doesn't get along with women. I mean, who would even say that, other than ALL THE OTHER WOMEN FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.
And now Barbara is talking about how accomplished Courtney is in her career and her hobbies, whatever that's supposed to mean. Barbara's impressed that Courtney has worked for as many years as she has to support herself. You mean like any woman with a full-time job? I guess? Julia is impressed with how honest Courtney was, in admitting that she's done some things she's not proud of. You know what would have been more useful? Barbara and Julia watching a montage of Courtney's greatest hits.
But, I mean, even Ben is admitting that if he proposes to Courtney there will be some "repercussions" when it gets out, although I think Ben is overestimating just how long anyone will give a shit after he proposes to her.
Ben says he's going to take all of his mother's and sister's "wisdom and knowledge" with him as he makes his decision. As though he didn't make his decision the moment Courtney took her clothes off so they could go skinny-dipping.
And now Lindzi is coming out the revolving door of her hotel to wait for her final date with Ben, and Ben comes rolling around the corner in a horse-drawn carriage ride, because nothing's more romantic than cameras and farting horses' asses in your face. And then in kind of a strange bit, Ben and Lindzi go for a quick stroll and then announces that he has a surprise for her, which is that they're going skiing. In Switzerland? Get out!
And then they ride a gondola which has a picnic lunch set up, and then the gondola stops halfway up, and Ben is talking about how the first time he went on The Bachelorette that his mom wanted to disown him? Or something? But this time around she shrugged and was all "Whatever," or something. And Lindzi yammers on about wanting to give him the best, or something. Look, I can either watch The Bachelor OR I can get my nachos out of the oven! I can't do two things!
I despite me hoping that The Bachelor was about to turn into Frozen they apparently make it all the way up to the top, and then they go skiing, which Lindzi is over the moon about, because it means she can trust Ben on the slopes and in life, I swear to god.
Nighttime descends on Zermatt, and Lindzi lights some candles and prepares for her final audit before this super special fairtytale ends and Ben goes to do the exact same thing with another woman. "I've had a good feeling about you from the beginning, so thank you," says Ben, because he is a complete dork. Lindzi tells him that the great news is that it only gets better, and then the woman who rode in on a horse tells Ben that she came into this with "walls up."
And now Ben is talking about feeling things, which is a nice thing to shoot for, and I think we all hope he gets there. Lindzi talks about how rare it is that you meet someone that you want to be with. Yeah, that never happens. Who wants to be with people? And then she talks about how she fell in love. "I love you," she says. "That's good!" says Ben. Aww. Just like all those fairytales! And then Ben congratulates her on finally opening up and getting to the point where he knew she could get, like there is some kind of Xbox "Opening up!" achievement that just unlocked, like the latter half of every season isn't just everyone talking about NOTHING BUT how much they're opening up.
And then they go outside so they can jam their tongues in each other's throats, just to make sure Ben has all the information he needs before making his decision. And then Lindzi whispers, "I love you," and we don't hear Ben say anything, not even, "That's super, dude!"
And whatever doubts Ben is now pretending that he had about Lindzi before last night have been laid to rest, I guess because she said that she loved him, again? I suppose?
And now it's time to go through this again with Courtney, who manages to let a little of the ol' Courtney shine through when she pretends not to be able to remember Lindzi's name, and also say that she doesn't see a whole lot of depth with Lindzi. Which, if that's true, would actually mean she'd make a pretty good fit for Ben.
And now Courtney and Ben are in a helicopter, flying over the top of the Matterhorn, and the stark beauty of the mountain is completely degraded by Ben talking about how this is just like their relationship is "soaring to new heights" and if anyone watching doesn't want the two of them to crash into the side of the Matterhorn, it means they don't have a soul.
And they touch down for a mountain pondside lunch, and one of those interminable chats about journeys, and Ben tells her how much his mom and sister really liked her, and how amazing she was for explaining herself, or something, and Courtney of course has to talk about how it was hard for her, but that's the kind of sacrifice she's willing to make for Ben.
And how we're forced to watch one of those sickmaking whimsical montages, where the two nimrods make snow angels and go sledding and Ben talks about how Courtney makes him feel like a kid, and now they are kissing, and Ben's got a decision to make: which woman does he have to pretend he has every intention of marrying, at least until tonight's finale airs and MAYBE a respectable few weeks after tonight.
And now it's Courtney's turn to light some candles and talk about how nervous she is that this is the last night before Ben makes his decision. So she plans to get him drunk, talk in a really high pitched schoolgirl voice about how she feels vulnerable, and then take her clothes off (presumably).
Oh, and she got him a gift, which is a scrapbook. She appears to have pasted some photos in a book and written things like "I love you Ben!" with what appears to be a ballpoint pen. How very special. And then she has written him a letter that she reads to him and it includes such trite sentiments as "You feel like home to me," and then Ben is all, "Talk about being vulnerable!" like he actually said, "Talk about being vulnerable," that's not one of the times where I summarize what was said into something even stupider.
And now Courtney is asking if he has any concerns, and Ben says he doesn't, not after she got the stamp of approval from his mom and sister. And then Courtney STILL wants to talk about how hard it was to have to defend herself like GIVE IT A REST, only it turns out that she seems a little mad at Ben because it would have to have been him who told his mother and sister and about how she didn't get along with other women in the first place. It's not like they wouldn't have found out by watching the show anyway, Courtney.
"There are times when I don't understand her, there are times when she frustrates me," Ben tells us. This is all bullshit to make the actual proposal seem all the more ... something. I don't think "pathetic" is what they're going for, but that's what it's going to seem like.
Courtney forces herself to cry a little and tell us that she's worried that if Ben can't get over what happened between her and the other girls, despite the fact SHE'S THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP. She's terrified that Ben might do to her what Ashley did to him. Not propose? I didn't even watch that season. "My heart hurts just thinking about it," she tells us. "...at least, it would if I had a heart," she forgets to add.
Decision day! Ben says he's got two incredible woman, and he can see spending the rest of life with both of them (not at the same time, apparently). We got soft-focus montages of Courtney and Lindzi while Ben talks about how amazing they both are.
And now here's Lindzi, going out on her deck so she can have her own super-saturated soft-focus montage of her time with Ben. "I'm half excited and half terrified," she says. She's also concerned that Ben doesn't know who Courtney really is, because it would horrible to propose to someone who you didn't really know.
And now Courtney is talking about how sweet and thoughtful Ben is, and she finally knows what real, true love is. "It's crazy to think I could be getting engaged to him today," she says.
Ben again, goes out onto his deck to gaze at the Matterhorn, and how angry am I that if I ever go to Switzerland and I see the Matterhorn, I'm going to think of Ben Flashksnknsfda and this unspeakably awful show.
And then the ring guy shows up and the two of them look at rings and, despite this being The Bachelor, use words like "forever." And then ring guy says things like "It's really organic" and "Every woman wants to be a princess" like SHUT UP RING GUY, and then Ben picks a ring.
And now the women are getting dressed, with Courtney wearing a white coat over a black gown and Lindzi in a Frodo cloak and a Black Swan dress, which ought to tell you who wins right there.
And now the women are being flown in helicopters while Ben is walking up a hill, because I guess we're supposed to believe Ben is walking up the Matterhorn in his dress shoes. Meanwhile, everyone is talking about love and forever, and no one is talking about Valtrex treatments.
"Today I have to say goodbye to a woman that I'm in love with," says Ben, which isn't true, because if he's in love with both of them then he's in love with neither of them, which is something a show that purports to be about romance would know.
So: a helicopter lands, and it's Lindzi in the dreaded leadoff spot. Chris Harrison greets her and walks her to the edge of the clearing, where Ben is waiting. "This is the moment girls dream of their whole life," she tells us. Yeah, not yet it's not.
Jesus, it's some hike from where Chris Harrison abandoned her to where she joins Ben. She's actually out of breath! Not that that stops her from blathering on about how she's in love with him. Ben's out-of-proportion nervousness finally clues her in a little bit, judging by the way her smile fades, that she ain't leaving this mountain with a proposal. As Ben yammers on about the moments they've shared, she listens. "I want you to know that I've fallen in love with you, but I need those moments to last a lifetime, and I've found that with someone else. I'm sorry. I'm in love with someone else," he says
He tells her that it didn't come easy. Please, tell the woman getting dumped for Courtney how hard this is on you, Ben. He asks if he can walk her out. I really wish she'd tell him to stick it and walk out on her own, but it's not like this show's invested in the idea that a woman doesn't need a man, even a schlub like Ben.
Before they part, she talks about she's mad at herself, and then: "If things don't work out, call me," which is one of the worst doormatty things I've ever heard on this show.
The helicopter flies her away, and she keeps commendably composed in the helicopter, while Ben talks some more about how hard this was for him, and how he's not sure how this is going to end. I think I speak for everyone when I say at least ONE homicide would be nice.
And now Courtney arrives, not knowing if she's going to be the happiest, luckiest girl or shocked, heartbroken and dumbfounded. She says she and Ben have the potential to be amazing together, they just have to "get through this." The proposal? "I'm a good person, and good things happen to good people," Courtney tells us, which is good, because it's important to be conceited if you're going to make a relationship work.
Harrison greets her after the helicopter disgorges her, and Courtney talks about super-romantic things like how she wasn't the best with the other women, but she never lied about her feelings with Ben, and he's a good guy and she could possibly love her forever. "I have a pattern with men where they appreciate me at first and then they take me for granted," she tells us. It's telling that as she describes her pattern with men, it's blaming the men for not giving enough for her.
"You look so pretty," Ben tells her, as she arrives out of breath, like Lindzi, but at least this time Ben has managed to come up with, "You took my breath away!" And then he launches into a speech that begins with "What a journey!" and ends with "I think that you're incredible woman." And then he throws in a "But..." so that Courtney thinks things are ending, only he continues by saying he promised himself he wouldn't get down on one knee unless it was for forever, or some bullshit. "I want to tell you that you are my forever," he says. She gasps, and then gets giggly and annoying as Ben tries to explain his dingbat love philosophy, and finally he gets down on one knee, and says, "Will you marry me?" and she says yes, and they each say, "I will love you forever," and then as time runs out hit a whole bunch of annoying/creepy Bachelor themes: saying, "Oh my dad!" and calling something that doesn't involve unicorns or melting faces "surreal" and Ben saying, "I know, right?" And then he pulls out the final, final rose and asks if she'll accept it. Because the rose is more important than the ring, I suppose.
And she accepts, and they kiss. "I am the happiest girl in the world!" she tells the camera, and Ben says, "I am the happiest guy in the world!" It's that sweet moment in the show where the happy couple talks about how much in love they are, just a few moments before After the Final Rose starts, and we learn that things have fallen apart in the mere weeks since.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He sometimes plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" at parties and pretends he's doing it ironically. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.