As we begin the second episode, let us all hope that Brad got all the unnecessary apologizing out of his system in the premiere. Not that this show has any lack of recurring themes. For example, Brad has not only been given a second chance, but an "amazing" second chance. He greets the morning by marveling that things just got "so real," which is a phrase that long ceased to have any sort of meaning on this show. He apparently wants to find someone that he can throw a football to instead of just aimlessly tossing it up and down to himself. I'm going to go ahead and assume the editor is using the football self-tossing as a sly masturbation reference.
While the women hang out in the mansion, Chris Harrison strolls in and goes over the rules of the game -- the rules set down by the Marquess of Queensberry 150 years ago.
Ashley H., the dentist artist, gets the first date, which she thinks is an "honour," which has to be the loosest use of that word ever. She's excited because she's the first one he's going out with. Yeah, THIS season. She is outfitted in a dress that has single-handedly depleted the world's supply of lamé. He says he just wants the date to be a lot of fun, unlike those dates where the woman hopes you have a dentist's appointment or tax preparation lined up. "Have her home before ten!" yells someone in the house, while some other hatchet-face moans how perfect he is, what with the suit, the hair. I believe that might be Raichel. You will remember -- probably unfortunately -- that Raichel is the "manscaper."
Brad tells us that Ashley has no clue where they're going, which is also something serial killers can say. And they drive down a darkened road (with the car's interior lights on so we can better see the growing horror on Ashley's face). But instead of one or both of them being brutally murdered like they would if this were a perfectly indecent slasher flick, it turns out he's leading her to a carnival that is all for them. Because carnivals set up in the darkness on the edge of town aren't creepy enough, let's have one with just two people! The Bachelor is horrifying enough on its own, but the carnival is upping the creepiness factor, especially as it reminds me of the opening of The Lost Boys. Here's hoping Brad doesn't get all oiled up and rock out with a saxophone. Unless that's your thing. (That's no one's thing.)
Brad lets Ashley flip the switch that turns on the lights on all the rides, and unfortunately no one gets electrocuted. We watch what feels like three hours' worth of these two nimrods playing carnival games, which means this is going to be one of those dates where the Bachelor marvels at how his date was able to drop her intellectual façade for once and unleash her inner child. Brad actually appears to injure Ashley at one point when they high-five.
Back at the house, there are fifteen women who find out that they are going on the group date. In an interview, Michelle moans that it's going to be hard to get his attention, and tomorrow's going to drive her crazy, because it's her birthday. Here's guessing Michelle decides to take everyone down with her.
Back at the carnival, Brad and Ashley are eating cotton candy and being "wacky" for a photo booth. Then they sit down for a serious chat. "You sound like you're preparing for the worst," says Brad, after Ashley starts talking about standing on her own two feet, and then they bond over the fact that both their fathers split when they were kids. Ashley's father actually had addiction problems and is homeless. She doesn't even know where he is, which is awful, and I will make less fun of it than I did whilst live-tweeting. Brad blames his father for his own problems with pushing people away, but at the same time he also has a role model for what NOT to do. Ashley wants to know if he came back on this show to redeem himself, because she's worried that he's going to feel more pressure to actually pick someone this time, and they go on like this forever, and I can't believe I'm actually nostalgic for the relative excitement of watching them run around the carnival. At least the carnival bears the possibility of a ride malfunctioning and sending them spinning or plunging to their deaths.
And now Brad is saying inane things like how because of Ashley he can breathe now, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean, and then of course he gives her the rose, and Ashley, who has already earned the nickname "Ash" from Brad, thinks they are going to get married and have babies? Essentially? And now they are on the ferris wheel and they are making out and I am getting motion sickness, and also annoyance nausea. Brad feels he's on his way to finding his wife.
The day, Michelle is all pissed because she is turning 30 and has to suffer the indignity of sharing Brad on a group date. "Happy freakin' birthday to me!" she moans. God, what a sour person. In the Hummer limo on the way to the group date, the women all toast Michelle on her birthday, so it appears she's talking about it endlessly with them as well as with us. There are also lots of clips of the women who are apparently excited to be doing this, but that's because today is not their birthday.
They arrive at their destination, in a range of dress from casual to formal to bam-chicka-wow, and it turns out that they are going to make commercials for the American Red Cross, which sounds like much more fun than wearing bikinis and getting drunk and talking shit about each other. Everyone moans about the part they're given, especially Keltie, who whines about being the "butch in a neck brace with two arm casts." She looks miserable. Madison is a dominatrix, and Melissa is a cougar because she is ... 45? She tells us that she quit her job to go on this show. She's a waitress, so I imagine it's a little more along the lines of "I couldn't get someone to cover my shifts so the diner fired me."
Michelle moans some more about it being her birthday today. "People are going to piss me off today, I know it." I think she probably says that every day, birthday or not. She's like a reverse motivational speaker.
So this gang of bachelorettes who likely are unable to donate blood because of toxicity reasons are making commercials exhorting others to give blood. The idea, if you can call it that, is some kind of melodramatic soap opera. Brad, with a pasted-on mustache and chest hair that looks like it was swept up from a barber shop, plays Gustavo, a philanderer with the acting skills of a lobotomized porn star.
Michelle glares during a scene in which Brad has to keep kissing Stacey and Emily, and Melissa decides to intrude on the scene and kiss him herself, earning enmity from Raichel, as well as Michelle, who is still all bitchfaced out because no one is making her feel like she's the queen of the world, what with it being her birthday and all.
Britt is very nervous about having to make out with Brad on a bed with Chantal, because she's a prude. The scene involves the two of them seducing him only to find out he's a vampire? And the tag is, "Don't be scared, we just want your blood"? Does that in any way make sense to anyone? And Britt is so nervous that she decides to just "go for it," which involves swallowing the entire lower half of Brad's face. "OK, really? Really?" Michelle tells us, but not because she thinks Britt's a skank or anything: "This is not the way I thought I'd be spending my 30th birthday. Uh-uh."
And finally the other women have started noticing that Michelle is acting like a giant baby because of her birthday. Michelle actually stomps off backstage to sulk. Did she say she was 30 or five? Brad goes to find her, and she apologizes, and he tells her not to for some reason. Yeah, apologizing is apparently Brad's full-time job now! They have a conversation about having a good time, instead of a conversation that involves telling her to grow the fuck up or go home.
"All I want for my birthday is Brad," Michelle adds, telling us that when she kisses Brad, fireworks
are going to go off behind them, and all other women will be disappointments after her. She's only 30 (so she says) but right now a publisher of German fairytales is rejecting Michelle's headshot for an illustration of a stepmother hag who poisons her sweet stepchildren, on the grounds that Michelle's picture would scare the children too much. Chantel theorizes that Michelle is probably used to getting her way, and Melissa is planning to stalk Brad at the party later on.Going to commercial, we watch an absolutely incomprehensible PSA that features a Southern Belle, a butch injured bullfighter, a cougar and a dominatrix who's also a vampire. And this is because donating blood is like Brad's quest for love: it takes all types. This film is the Un Chien Andalou of public service announcements. And that will be the only time this PSA airs (I imagine the Red Cross had to agree to air at least one of these ridiculous ads), but it's too late: I'm demanding back all the blood I've donated in protest. Also of note: Brad doesn't get any lines. That's how amazing an actor he is.
Oh, hey, a rooftop bar, how extremely unprecedented and special on this show! Brad leads a toast in which he specifically asks for no drama, which is kind of like showing up to play football and asking to not get tackled. Or going on the overnight dates on this show and asking not to get gonorrhea. Melissa takes him aside to let him know that her extremely awkward kiss during the Red Cross thing means that she's not this "wild, crazy, slutty" girl, and she manages to be even more off-putting and awkward, and now Brad is taking "the birthday girl" aside which is nice for her because each complaint about her birthday gets worse, like I think she's at the point where she is sincerely offended that other people actually exist on her birthday.
She's drunk off her ass when they talk. Meanwhile, Melissa is talking to Raichel the manscaper and ... Marissa? Maybe? And Melissa rather ridiculously tears maybe-Marissa a new arsehole for interrupting, and then she starts mixing it up with Raichel, lecturing her on how she seems like a 21-year-old. That's kind of out of context for us, since the ages have been omitted from the on-screen IDs this season, which is rumoured to be because they don't want to creep everyone out by constantly reminded us how much older Brad is than any of the women he's dating here.
And then Brad goes and gives the rose to Michelle, which is the stupidest possible thing he could possibly do. Rewarding her awful, awful behaviour. "I feel like I got everything I wanted for my birthday," she says, while the other women bemoan the coming apocalypse. And she puts the rose between her teeth, and the petals all turn black and fall off.
So Jackie's got a one-on-one date. "This date is Jackie's very own Pretty Woman experience," says Brad, and it's always promising when your date compares you to a prostitute. Only he doesn't so much mean that she has sex for money, but she will get to do a lot of shopping and pampering.
They are going to wear robes, and Jackie says she wouldn't have imagined she'd be in a robe on a first date, but she bet Brad looks good in one, and also she wants to see his penis.
And then Brad brings her a room full of dresses and shoes, all for her. "It's the most unbelievable thing I've ever been surprised with," she says, by which I guess means that of all of the unbelievable things she's been surprised with, this is the unbelievablest.
Oh, dear. Here we go with this season's contestant who is separated from her child. I mean, I like Emily enough (by which I mean she's a contestant who hasn't given me as much reason to hate her as others have), but either stay home with your kid or quit whining about how you're not with your kid. Oh, and you lose some sympathy when you do the whole "when do I tell Brad that someone else impregnated me" routine. There are many things that I don't understand about this show. Chief among them are women who make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Are you worried your having a child is a problem for him? If it is, he's probably a douche and not worth your time anyway, but best to find out as soon as possible, right? Then you get to go home and be with your child and we don't have to watch tear-filled scenes of you doing that reality-show-talk-at-cellphone-method thing.
So Jackie has picked out a dress, and Brad has another surprise for her -- expensive jewelry! And despite this being a Pretty Woman date, he doesn't snap the box shut on her hand as she reaches for it. Also, no Hector Elizondo. Worst Pretty Woman date ever!
And then they go to the Hollywood Bowl, which has "For Jackie, Love Brad" on the sign out front, and Brad uses the word "literally" properly, and he tells us that this is a famous musical landmark where the Beatles and Elton John and Hendrix have all played. Wow, he's really building up some tough acts to follow.
So they sit and have dinner at the Hollywood Bowl, and Brad seems drunk or even high with his outsized reactions to everything she says. She says she's only dated a couple of guys and Brad reacts like she says that someday she hopes to kill hobos and bury them in her basement, and then just when you think things can't get any weirder, the stage spins around revealing Train, who are apparently still a going concern. You remember, that "Drops of Jupiter" song that was so annoying forty years ago? Yeah, them. Yeah, I guess they're still a band. [Editor's Note: Oh, how I envy your blissful existence free of "Hey, Soul Sister" last year, Daniel! -- Mindy] Somehow not surprisingly, Train seems perfectly comfortable performing for an audience of only two people, but for Jackie and Brad, I'd think it would be weird to be the only two people there and be forced to maintain eye contact with The Singer From Train and pretend that you are really into their musical stylings.
Anyway, Jackie gets a rose and they kiss and Train sings a song that includes the lyric "marry me" but I fast-forwarded a lot of this, mainly to protest Brad pretending that Train is on the level of the Beatles, Elton John or Hendrix.
On to the cocktail party now, where Brad has barely finished toasting the women when Michelle swoops in to take him away to ask him important questions like "Do you prefer Starbucks or The Coffee Bean?" He actually says, "Are you serious?" which earns him some points from me and she says she is, and he says, "Starbucks" and that earns him a fistbump.
When she's done with this nonsense, she struts back and sits with the other women and can't be bothered to make up a good reason for whisking him away so early. She explains that she just asked random questions like whether he prefers Starbucks or The Coffee Bean.
"You're being serious? That's really what you asked him? I thought you were being a smartass," says Emily, earning a million points from me. She manages to say it sweetly enough to make it hard for someone to tell if she's taking a dig at Michelle, which is wise because I think Michelle may have the power to turn people to stone.
And Melissa is lecturing Raichel and her boobs about what an awful person Raichel and her boobs are. Raichel and her boobs would really rather not get into it with her, but they don't mind getting up and walking elsewhere to tell other people what a vile person Melissa is. Melissa goes on to make other women miserable by ranting about Raichel and her boobs endlessly. And now Melissa is crying, and Raichel and her boobs are near tears as well.
Melissa sits down with Brad to tearfully recount that she is the "targeted girl" in the house. What is this, the third day in the house? Melissa's too much of a nutjob to realize she's writing her own ticket off the show as she cries and calls Raichel an "energy suck" and says, "Raichel has been literally pulling the positive energy right out of me," and Brad looks really uncomfortable, but he tells us that he hates to see women cry, and he vows to get to the bottom of it. And now
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Raichel and her boobs are crying and Brad goes over and tries to hug them as best he can.And just when you think things can't get worse, Harrison shows up and starts talking about people being there "for the right reasons" which always sets my teeth on edge, and then he summons Ali and Roberto in, who used to be on this show and who were fortunately available (it's always nice when Ali's able to get the time off work) and apparently they are going to take some time off from pretending to plan to get married, and they're there to talk to the contestants and determine who's there for the right reasons, like this is some kind of measurable thing. Jesus, it's like an inquest.
This is a relief for Brad, because all the drama is clouding his judgment. What judgment? You already gave Michelle a rose. Also, you CAME ON THIS SHOW AGAIN.
We get an interminable montage of Ali and Roberto asking these idiot women stupid questions. Melissa thinks that she needs to get Ali on her side, and she seems to think the best way to do that is to cry and act like a basketcase in front of Ali and Roberto.
Anyway, Brad sits down with Ali and Roberto, looking for some help. "I think you've got a lot of great girls," says Roberto, a statement that does not seem to have any basis in reality, which makes sense, what with him agreeing to pretend to be marrying Ali.
We don't really see any discussion, but then Brad goes out and selects Emily for the rose, seemingly partly because she got a thumbs-up from Ali and Roberto. Does she tell him about her daughter? She does not.
Rose ceremony. Raichel looks anguished, Melissa keeps looking sideways at her. Of course, the two of them are standing to each other.
And now on to the cull! Brad comes out and gives the usual speech about getting to know each other or whatever, and then gets down to business. Chantal O. Sarah, who says it's like Christmas, which makes me feel sad for whoever spends the holidays with Sarah. Allie. Kimberly. Shawntel. Stacey. Ashley S., not the dentist (who already has a rose). Madison. Seriously? At least she hasn't been baring her fangs, except in the service of making an already ridiculous Red Cross PSA even more confusing. Lisa. Marissa, who is a dead ringer for Jillian. Meghan, who I don't remember at all, is , followed by Lindsay. And the last rose goes to Britt, who looks really sweet with her hair up.
That means Keltie, Melissa and Raichel and her boobs are gone. Not a bad culling! At this stage, despite her name, I would rather have kept Keltie and let Michelle go home. week! PLEASE GOD, week.
Keltie is utterly destroyed, awarding herself the "Bad Dating Oscar" because nothing works out for her and she's starting to feel like she should just be alone. "This is kind of like my last-ditch effort," she tells us. She's tried all kinds of methods -- blind dating, online dating, having sex with everyone at the office -- and now she's giving up, and she's just going to focus on "kicking." (Remember, she's a Rockette.) Well, sure, "kicking" has endless career opportunities. Melissa seems to think she was targeted because the other women wanted one fewer woman in the house. Uh, maybe, but contestants get kicked off at each rose ceremony whether one of them was "targeted" or not. Not sorry to see Melissa go. Maybe she can learn to wear a dress that she doesn't need to yank up on her boobs every five seconds? Speaking of breasts, Raichel seems pretty hurt. On the one hand, she's a knockout. On the other, she's kind of a shit-stirrer and she describes herself as a manscaper.
It's not my birthday or anything week, but I really must insist that Michelle get sent home. There's a public service announcement: act like a horrible person, get punished for it.
Of course, that makes me wonder what I did to deserve The Bachelor.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He thinks it's only understandable for a birthday girl to act like Michelle did when she can still count her birthdays on the fingers of one hand. And even then, she would need a talking-to. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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