By Daniel
London. Shots of Big Ben. Matt tells us he's "chuffed to be back home," and I admit "chuffed" isn't a word I use often enough. He and Chelsea are going up into the London Eye, while he tells us they've had some ups and downs.
Chelsea can't believe she's here, and if she winds up with Matt, she might be here a while. So they go up in the Eye, which is a huge Ferris wheel with these little observation bubbles instead of the normal Ferris wheel seats.
And then they're off to meet the parents, as Chelsea explains that this could seal the deal. His brother Simon answers the door, and Chelsea is welcomed in by his parents, Trish and Tony. All Chelsea can think about is how since they're British, they're going to be proper. I guess she's never heard of hooligans.
At supper, Simon says she's expected to bring her "wellies," and Chelsea correctly identifies those as rain boots, and she reacts like she's won the Nobel Prize. Trish asks if a sense of humor is important to her. That's number one, says Chelsea. I imagine whatever characteristic Trish asked about, Chelsea would have said it's number one for her. I think it's a load of number two, myself. Simon, who looks like if Matt and Brian Austin Green had a baby, is quite taken with Chelsea. Trish seems to like her too, but says she doesn't really know Chelsea well enough to say. She grills Chelsea in the kitchen, and a clearly nervous Chelsea babbles on about being guarded, while Trish looks, probably wondering if she's ever going to shut her gob. Afterwards, Trish says she felt Chelsea was very open and honest, which isn't easy to do.
She says as much to Matt, and asks how she thinks how Chelsea would cope with his "mad family," like this is some kind of Benny Hill film. Matt says something about putting together pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
Chelsea says her goodbyes, and in a voiceover says everything went as well ass she could have planned. Matt kisses her goodbye, says he adores her, and in a talking-head says he didn't want to see her go, and there was a voice in the back of his head saying he could be engaged to this woman.
How many more shots of Big Ben and Tower Bridge can we stand? Matt greets Shayne, who is on her first time in Europe, never mind London. They stroll by Hyde Park. "It's byoootiful here, Matt, oh my god!" she says, and other such inanities. Like it never occurred to her that London is an actual place, and not just the movie place where Austin Powers is from. They take a double-decker bus to his parents' home, where we go.
Simon says he didn't think Shayne was Matt's type at all. Matt's dad asks her how old she is, and she says 22, and then Trish asks about her acting, giving Shayne the chance to talk about how she wasn't good at first, but worked at it every day. And now, presumably, is awesome! Simon grills her a little bit about whether she sees The Bachelor as a similar challenge, and she blah-blahs something.
Simon admits that he was a little hard on her, but that she acquitted herself well, and then he and Shayne have one of those weird heart-to-hearts on reality shows where people pretend they're not being filmed, even though the presence of the cameras is obviously informing what they're saying. up is a chat with Shayne's mom, and I missed what they said. Let's presume it was about connections, and possibly unicorns.
Matt sees her off, and he admits to his family that he's more at ease with Shayne, but more passionate about Chelsea. His parents figure that Shayne is more sincere about this whole nonsense then Chelsea is, but Simon also says he can see Matt with Chelsea more than he can see him with Shayne.
Back to Barbados, where Matt greets Chelsea along the water, and announces he has a surprise for her. He has a blindfold, but since this is family-friendly ABC, it's just so he can surprise her with a helicopter ride, and not a precursor to a night of experimentation, at least not that we see. And suddenly it's Magnum P.I. with about ten million shots of the helicopter flying around the beautiful Barbadian coastline. And I have to admit I'd much rather watch an hour-long Barbados tourism video.
But then they touch down and go for a walk and a picnic on an empty beach. They talk about their possible future together, and Chelsea says there's no one else she'd rather spend her time with. "We fit well together on the beach," says Chelsea in a talking head.
And it looks like they're going to be fitting well together at the Hilton tonight, which Chelsea says is her last chance to win Matt. She hands him a "California survival kit," with surf wax and a map, and I couldn't see what else was in the dowry. More blather about being vulnerable and "falling in love." (They both say they're "falling in love" with each other.) Then they start making out, and Chelsea orders him not to have any fun tomorrow. "Go on your date and do exactly the same things you're doing now, but don't have any fun." In a talking head, Matt goes on about how incredible Chelsea says. "I hope we can get through this together," he says. Isn't that, per the premise of the show, up to you?
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Douchebag.
He sees her off to her room, and they say goodnight. "I need it to be him and me," she says.
And then, somehow, the day, Chelsea's out of his head because he's hanging out with Shayne, who's amazing, and so much fun. She jumps into his arms on the beach, and he says she's a monkey (in a good way). Shayne says in a talking-head that she's going to show him how she wants to be with him for the rest of her life.
Instead of a helicopter ride, they're going parasailing. As Shayne straps in, she tells Matt, "If I don't come back, I wish you and Chelsea well." Heh. Parasailing shots, and the two of them yelling "woo!"
Over an extended shot of Shayne hovering in the air, she explains how she felt like an angel, and she loves Matt, and blah blah.
Back at the Hilton, they snuggle, and Shayne tells him she has a gift from him, which is the most amazing gift she'll ever receive from him in the history of their entire relationship. It's a framed double-picture of Shayne writing I LOVE YOU in the sand on the beach. "My heart melted at that point," says Matt in a talking-head. "Do you see what it says?" she yells at him. "Matt, it says I love you," she adds in that annoying bubblehead voice of hers. And they snuggle, and she talks more in her baby voice, which I can't believe didn't just make him say, "God, shut up -- I'm going with Chelsea right now." And everyone watching is thinking, and not for the first time, "daddy issues."
And now it's the big day. Shots of Matt looking appropriately apprehensive, and picking out the ring. He talks about falling in love with two women, which is grounds for divorce in most states. Shots of the two of them getting ready, Shayne in a sherbet-yellow baby-doll dress and Chelsea in some sort of elegant halter dress.
Chelsea arrives in a limousine. Chris is there to greet her and escort her over to the same place where Amanda got a bullet in the head. It takes forever, and she repeats her love over and over again. He greets her, tells her he loves her dress. He says he never, for one second, thought he'd meet someone like her. Wasn't that the point of doing it, thought? He blah-blahs about sharing some amazing times with her, and he thanks her for that. Uh-oh. "Thank you"? That doesn't bode well. Sure enough, he says he can't give her everything that she needs. Her face falls. She says she finds it hard to believe she could fall for someone who wasn't falling for her. Well, he told you he was falling for you, so try to figure out now how big an asshole he is and how fucked-up this show is, Chelsea, and at some point you'll realize he's doing you a favor.
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And then the knives come out for Shayne. "To me she was the falsest person here!" snaps Chelsea, and Matt half-heartedly defends her. I say "half-heartedly," because instead of saying "no, she isn't," he says, "to me, she wasn't." Then he crabs that if Chelsea thinks he would go through this and then wind up with the falsest person here, then she doesn't know him that well. Well, I agree with that last part, plus bonus Matt-is-a-douchebag points for turning this onto Chelsea.
They hug at the limousine. "I'm going to miss you so much," Matt lies. At least, for Shayne's sake, I hope he lying. In the limo ride, she calls Matt a fool.
Now Matt has been replaced by a wax statue holding a rose -- oh, hold on. That's actually Matt. He's standing there waiting for Shayne, and talking about how she's the warmest most genuine person he's ever met, and she's made him feel something he's never felt before. Except with all the other women, as he's led them to believe.
Chris escorts Shayne to the final rose ceremony. "I've never had my heart in a man's hands like this," she says in a talking-head. And goes on like this. Amazing. "If I lose him, I will be heartbroken."
OK, we're almost through this. Matt takes Shayne's hands and talks about her million-dollar smile and her big brown eyes. "There's been laughter, there's been fun, there's been kisses, there's been monkey." He talks about how he didn't come here just for six weeks, but to find someone for life. Good god, it's only been six weeks in real life? That's not even as long as the broadcast schedule!
He gets down on one knee, and Shayne goes all wobbly. "I love you," he says. "I love you," she squeaks. "Monkey, will you marry me?" he says. That's a big fat ten-four. They embrace, and then she says she'll marry him on one condition: that he never look at another woman for the rest of their lives, since he's looked at far too many over the course of their relationship. He promises.
And they we get a montage of them canoodling and kisses and what have you. I'd like to remind Shayne that an equally lengthy montage of Matt with 24 other women.
But good luck, and all that.
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