Previously: Thousands of Women's Studies professors muttered angrily under their breath and shook their heads in frustration. Tonight: Aaron will take Helene, Gwen, and Brooke on overnight dates. Then he'll send one home in the most shocking rose ceremony yet! Aaron will make hard decisions! Somebody will leave broken-hearted! People will repeat themselves! Shack will roll his eyes!
We don't waste any time in this episode. And by that, I mean we get right into the dates. We'll be wasting plenty of time with people talking a lot and saying nothing. As we see highway signs for Aspen, Colorado, and flowers and birds, See 'N Say Aaron voices over that these three dates are "crucial" because he doesn't know who he's going to boot . I don't believe him.
We see Helene load into a skylift as Aaron tells us that he likes Helene, "but she's going to have to quit being so guarded at some point in time for us to go any further." Gee, maybe you could set a good example and actually answer some of her damned questions. Jesus, I'm annoyed already. He wants all these women to kneel before the throne of Aaron, yet he refuses to be honest with them because he'd screw up the whole premise behind the show if he did.
Helene unloads at the top of some viewing area. Aaron greets her, once again wearing whatever he found on the floor when he woke up this morning. Tuck in your damned shirt! You're on a date! They hug. Aaron tells her they have a fun day planned. She wants to know details. He says he likes surprises, which means that he probably doesn't know what the hell they're doing, either. Helene says that she doesn't like surprises, but nobody cares what she likes. Aaron says they'll be going horseback riding later, as they load into an SUV, all the better to destroy that pretty environment they're enjoying. Aaron tells the blind viewers how pretty Aspen is.
Aaron and Helene have a picnic on some windy hillside, while a couple of horses in the background stand around, refusing to play up to the cameras. Aaron asks Helene if she's happy with her work and whether she plans to stay in the field of psychology. She says she doesn't know, but that she really likes working with kids. Aaron says that the job sounds pretty flexible. Based on what? He probably hopes so, because he wants to make sure his intended wife is able to pick up his dry cleaning on demand. Helene explains that she had to take a couple of classes and had to pass a test, and then she got "national certification," allowing her to do whatever the heck it is that she actually does anywhere in the country. I'm pretty sure these classes and tests are separate from her degrees. She blathers on, wondering why she would leave New Jersey, but she isn't really sure one way or another. She asks Aaron if he likes his job. He says he does -- he gets to meet new people all the time and works with his family. Does he actually do anything? I really don't think he does. Helene asks him if his family pressured him into working for the business. He said they didn't. They just wanted him to be happy. And if his happiness meant that he gets some meaningless job title, a salary that amounts to an allowance, and some vague, occasional things to do that have a passing resemblance to actual work, who are we to judge?
Aaron mentions Helene's big family and asks if she'd like to have a big family of her own some day. She says maybe two or three kids. Aaron "jokes" that he wants eleven kids, enough for a football team. I suspect that he's not really kidding. Helene makes a point of mentioning that he's not the one who is going to have to pass them out like cannonball-sized gallstones.
Aaron asks Helene if she's ever been horseback riding. She hasn't. Gee, you'd think they'd ask the women about their interests and such before arranging their dates. Oh wait, that assumes the producers care at all about the women's interests. Silly me. We want pretty mountain shots and hot tubs and boobies! The horses continue to refuse to face the camera. They don't want to be part of this farce. Aaron tells Helene that they'll saddle up when she's ready. She picks at the food and suggests they eat some more. She really doesn't want to ride the horse. See 'N Say Aaron ignores her discomfort and tells us that he's getting to know Helene better and they're having lots of fun. Yes, look at what he learned: Will she leave New Jersey? Maybe. Does she want to stay in her field of psychology? Possibly. Does she want a big family? Perhaps. We're all cracking that mystery that is Helene.
Aaron and Helene go horseback riding. Helene does fairly well for somebody who's never been on a horse before. She tells her horse, "Follow your boyfriend. Follow my boyfriend." I can see how she'd get confused. They both have the same teeth. They travel for a while and eventually end up back at the picnic site. Aaron helps Helene off her horse. The horses go back to ignoring everybody else. Helene tells us that she's starting to trust Aaron more and is starting to open up and share her feelings with Aaron in order to see what his feelings are. If she says so.
The sun sets on Aspen. If they did anything else all afternoon, we don't get to see it. Helene and Aaron head to a place called Caribou Alley for dinner. Helene asks Aaron what his favorite food is. It's seafood. Helene is glad, because she couldn't be with somebody who didn't like seafood. Prince Charming could come knocking on her door, but if he was allergic to shrimp, she'd just slam it in his face. Aaron suggests that if they stay together, they'll be eating out a lot, because Helene doesn't like to cook, or so we were led to believe on their date two weeks ago. Aaron insists that he doesn't care, but the fact that he brought it up in the first place passive-aggressively suggests that he does. Helene clarifies that she actually does cook, usually seafood dishes. Maybe these two are living examples of those recent stories about mercury poisoning and the dangers of eating too much seafood?
Helene says that her school-related job makes for early workdays, and that she'd be able to take the kids home from school. Aaron asks if Helene intends to work after she has kids. He says, "I guess if you had to, you would, but ideally if you didn't have to, you probably wouldn't. I don't know." Um, are you going to ask Helene or just decide on her behalf? He essentially just told Helene that he wants her to be a stay-at-home mom. I would bail on this whole thing on the basis of Aaron's attitude right here. Assuming I would ever agree to be on a show like this, which is very unlikely. And assuming they would ever have a gay version of this show, which is really unlikely. And assuming that gay men could bear children, which, well...no. Anyway, rather than regarding Aaron with a withering glare until he apologizes for his presumptuousness, Helene says that she might consider staying at home while her kids are really young. That's not as good as spraying Aaron with mace, but at least she's making it clear that she's going to be the one to decide whether or not she'll continue to work.
Helene and Aaron blather on about their musical backgrounds. Helene played the clarinet in school, but not very well. That probably puts her in line with about 75% of all public-school clarinet players. She says that she couldn't get enough "air" to play well. Aaron acts surprised at the idea that somebody as talkative as Helene couldn't get enough air. She gives him a look. They both laugh at the terribly unfunny joke. Aaron tells us that he's seeing a change in Helene, and that he's seeing the "true" Helene now. The Helene whose wine goes straight to her nose for some reason, and whose laugh can set off car alarms.
Now it's time for an alleged surprise, even though neither Aaron nor Helene has any hope of pretending that they don't know what this is. Aaron pulls out an envelope. Inside are a key and a card. Aaron reads the card out loud: "Hello Helene and Aaron. Hope you are enjoying your stay in Aspen. If you decide to forego your individual rooms, you can use this key to stay as a couple in our 'fantasy suite.'" Aaron suggests that they can go there and sit in the hot tub and "drink some vino." Ech. Tool. Oh, and if you're going to act like you didn't know what the card said, perhaps you shouldn't clue us all in on the fact that you already know what's in the "fantasy suite"? Doofus. Helene says that she's looking forward to it, with the sort of excitement not seen since Pluto Nash hit the theaters. Helene tells us that sharing a room is great because it allows them to get to know each other better. Possibly in a "Your Body Is A Wonderland" kind of way.
Their "fantasy suite" is actually a beautiful house. I guess consistent use of terminology is more important to this show than actual accuracy. Aaron tells us what we can clearly see. They go inside and marvel at everything. Yes, it is indeed beautiful, but unless there's a unicorn chained up in the backyard, I think it falls a little short of a "fantasy," considering that these women were living pretty pampered at the Malibu Dream House. Aaron suggests that they check out the back deck area, because that's where the hot tub is, and Aaron is just simply unable to function without simmering himself for at least an hour a night.
Aaron and Helene slip into their bathing suits and into the hot tubs. They have this really deep conversation about their future. Here's a taste: "Do you ever try to envision, like, down the road or out of fantasyland?" "I think it'd be cool. I don't know; I get along with you pretty well and everything else. It'd be cool." All this heavy conversation has spent Aaron, so he starts kissing Helene. She says, "I don't see me having any complaints." This is love, people. Helene turns the question back on Aaron, asking him if he could "put up" with her. He simply nods at her. She asks him if that's it -- if that's his response. She points out that he's asking her to consider moving to Missouri, and that's his bland response. She asks him to tell her what she likes about her. Aaron gets this look like, "Why do these chicks always insist on talking?" and lies that he likes everything about her. Aaron says that Chris asked him that if he had to pick somebody right now, who would it be. He says he'd pick Helene. Helene screeches out a laugh and suggests that they should have ended the show right there. They kiss some more.
Back inside, Helene and Aaron splay photogenically across a sofa and cuddle. Helene admits to Aaron that she's not sure she could ever find somebody as perfect for her as Aaron is. Aaron says that's a pretty bold statement. And of course, it begs for a similar response from Aaron that he's not going to give, so instead, he leans over and kisses her. Helene tells us that she really has fallen for Aaron, and that if he were to choose her to propose to, she would have no reservations of accepting. Aaron and Helene cuddle on the couch and pretend to fall asleep, so the cameramen will leave and they can finally have sex.
Commercials. up is Gwen, whom Aaron is meeting in San Francisco. Man, they didn't even bother to leave California for her "exotic" date. There's a trolley, of course. See 'N Say Aaron says that he hopes Gwen says or does something on this date that will make his decision easier by sweeping him off his feet or whatever. This is one of two reasons why I wasn't surprised when he dumped her. He's essentially admitting to us that despite his constant vague praises, he doesn't see Gwen in the same light he does Helene or Brooke. Aaron meets Gwen in some tower that I'm sure is a local landmark, but since it's not a trolley or the Golden Gate Bridge, I haven't a clue what it is. Are there other parts to San Francisco? Gwen and Aaron hug. Gwen tells us that she was excited and nervous to see Aaron again. Aaron says he's looking forward to the date.
Cut to Gwen and Aaron having a picnic. Another one? Man, these people have no imagination. They need to take a page from Blind Date and send them off to glassblowing classes or something. Gwen asks Aaron if he thinks he'll find what he's looking for from "this process." She actually calls it a "process," like she's part of some middle-management audit. Aaron blandly responds in the affirmative, telling her that "[he's] not disappointed" in the way things have turned out. No kidding. He's gotten more tail than an eel farmer. There's silence. Aaron asks Gwen what she's thinking. Gwen's all, "How can you tell I was thinking something?" Aaron tells us that Gwen's been skirting around something she's been wanting to tell him. Some big, huge secret. Hey, it worked for Brooke. Maybe she'll finally get some attention. She still doesn't tell him. She's going to wait until dinner. Aaron leans over and awkwardly kisses Gwen.
Montage of daily activities. Gwen and Aaron float around in rowboats, kissing. They ride around on a trolley, kissing. They cross the Golden Gate Bridge on a trolley, kissing. Night falls and Aaron and Gwen meet in the lobby of the Fairmont Hotel for dinner. Gwen is wearing a black cocktail dress that enhances her boobies. Aaron stares at her tits and tells her she looks awesome.
Dinner and awkward conversation. Like there's any other kind with these people. Aaron asks Gwen if she thinks he's been open with her. Gwen stammers that he has, but that he could be more open. Aaron says, "I definitely don't want to leave you hanging in any way, 'cause I think a lot of you. So it's very important that I do my best to make you understand where I'm coming from." And then he tells her that he's really not as interested in her as he is in Brooke and Helene and that she shouldn't even bother coming to the rose ceremony. Oh, no he doesn't. He leads her on by telling her he thinks a lot about her and that it's fairly easy for him to see them "down the road together." He fails to clarify that he sees them on opposite sides of that road, and that the road in question is the Santa Monica Freeway, and that they're driving in opposite directions, and that Aaron is in a convertible full of Playboy bunnies wearing bikini thongs. Gwen tells us that Aaron "opened up" during this dinner conversation (we hear no evidence of said opening up) and that she stared into his eyes and she's in love blah blah blah.
Gwen asks Aaron if he has any questions for her, knowing that he's going to bring up that big huge secret that Gwen has been telegraphing and that they've been showing in all the commercials and as teasers before they go to commercial breaks on this very episode. Are you read for this big huge secret? Are you? Are you? Here it comes!
Gwen got married six years ago and got divorced a year later. Are you shocked? Horrified? Are you thinking of tracking Gwen down and stoning her? They can't have a fairy-tale wedding now. She's unclean! Unclean! She claims that the marriage was annulled. Whatever. She's unclean! Aaron hardly cares. He responds, "That's it?" Yeah, she's no competition for Brooke in the tragic past department there. You can't beat the South for family tragedies. Aaron responds, "We all make mistakes, you know." And then he kisses her, so that she doesn't bring up that past engagement of his to press for details. Gwen tells us that she feels better that he responded well and that she feels even closer to him than ever. Aaron tells us that it's great that her secret wasn't really a big issue, but that he was actually hoping that it would be a "deciding factor" for the rose ceremony. See, he's totally looking for an excuse to dump her.
Time for the stupid "Fantasy Suite" invitation. They pretend that it's from Chris, because he's hardly on this show at all anymore. I think they've fired him and are just using CGI to splice in his appearances as necessary. Gwen doesn't even bother to pretend that she doesn't know what's in the envelope. The card says exactly the same thing as Helene's but with the names and locations changed. Aaron suggests that they go check it out, drink some wine, and hang out and see if they like it. Then they can go back to their individual rooms if they want. There's no mention of a hot tub. What if Aaron gets dehydrated?
So Aaron and Gwen do indeed get an actual suite this time, and it's very nice, but still fairly far from the realm of fantasy. They sit on the balcony and look out over the city, probably freezing their asses off. Aaron asks Gwen if she could see them together outside of this "surreal setting." She says she can, of course. They stare at each other. There is nothing going on in Aaron's eyes. They look like they were painted onto his face. I've seen more interested looks from doll faces. Gwen asks if there's anything else Aaron wants to ask her and whether has doubts about or has anything on his mind. Nope. Nothing on his mind. Aaron says it's just a matter of "spending more time together and making sure the chemistry is right and that [they're] right for each other." He blathers on about how it takes time and nobody can understand where they're at now except for them and blah blah blah. He doesn't want to listen to her talk anymore and he's really already decided that he's dumping her and doesn't care about her life story or her personal goals anymore. Not that he probably ever did. They stare blankly into each other's eyes, nodding. Gwen repeats to us that she has feelings for Aaron and blah blah blah.
Gwen and Aaron decide to stay in the room together and lock the cameras out. But, of course, they didn't consider the ingenuity of reality-show technology. From a building across the street, the producers have a camera set up with night-vision capabilities. Because they don't want us to miss out on any fairy-tale love, I'm sure. It's not at all exploitative. It's love! Inside, we watch as a green-tinted Aaron and Gwen make out. He's not wearing a shirt. They kiss and stare meaningfully at each other. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that it was his most romantic date ever and that Gwen could be "the one." I wish I hadn't taped over the Cinderella date, because I'm pretty certain that's exactly the same thing he said then. I think they just played it over for us again to try to convince us that he felt that way about this blah date. He says, "This could be the one!" with the same level of surprise as he has said before.
Commercials. We return to Hawaii for Aaron's final date with Brooke. These dates just seem rather unbalanced to me. Maybe I'm seeing it from their faux "exotic" label, but it seems like Brooke's destination is the only one that even comes remotely close to deserving the adjective "exotic." Not that there's anything wrong with Aspen and San Francisco. But I figure that if I can get in my car and drive to it in less than a day, it's not exotic.
Aaron and Brooke greet each other and put on leis and kiss. Aaron blathers to us that he thought he knew what he was going to do at the rose ceremony, but then he saw Brooke and then he was back to those difficult choices. Yeah, those short shorts Brooke is wearing really show off her ass. I'm sure they've totally clouded Aaron's mind. Such as it is.
Brooke and Aaron head off in a limo. Aaron tells Brooke that he doesn't have any big, compelling questions for her. He just wants to hang, y'all, and act like they've been dating exclusively for the past five weeks. No questions? Do we even know what Brooke wants to do with her life? Does she want kids? Any of the stuff that Aaron talked about with Helene? Aaron and Brooke start making out in limo.
And then Brooke and Aaron end up on a sailboat. Every single date Brooke's been on with Aaron ended up on a boat at some point. They throw their leis in the ocean for luck. A passing dolphin gets strangled to death, but who cares? Brooke explains to us what we just saw and says she wished that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. And "how it's supposed to" means "with me winning." Aaron and Brooke kiss. She tells him he'd make a wonderful husband. They kiss. He tells her that she's a very nurturing person and would make a wonderful wife. They kiss. Brooke tells him that she's ready for marriage.
Brooke and Aaron go snorkeling among all the pretty fish. The cameramen make sure to get plenty of shots of Brooke's firm ass in her bikini as she swims through the ocean. Aaron and Brooke see a sea turtle. Brooke tells us that she was told that if you see a sea turtle when you're swimming, that means good luck. It certainly means good luck for Aaron, who is swimming behind Brooke, totally staring at her ass to the exclusion of any rare marine reptiles.
Aaron and Brooke head back to shore to their resort. Brooke explains to us that they headed back to shore to their resort. They head down to some bungalow for a private dinner. While they're eating, Aaron insists that the two of them have "a thousand thoughts running through [their] minds." Imagining Brooke naked counts as a thought, right? Because if that's the case, I suspect Aaron's had more than a thousand. Aaron tells Brooke to ask him anything she wants to ask. Brooke: "How do you feel about me?" Aaron: "[long, awkward pause] Um...." It's moments like these that nearly make reality shows worthwhile. But only nearly. Aaron rambles that he thought he had his mind made up and then he saw Brooke and his feelings for her came back and he liked kissing her and being with her and he doesn't answer her question at all. He blathers on that two of the women he's hanging out with aren't going to be part of his life anymore. And he can't say anything to put Brooke's mind at ease. She didn't ask you to marry her. She asked you how you feel about her. Jesus. I would conclude that he doesn't feel anything beyond lust toward her. Nothing. I think Brooke might be coming to that conclusion, too. She doesn't look happy with Aaron's non-answer. He says he can share his feelings and his thoughts with her, though. No, apparently he can't, because he's not doing it. Brooke responds that she doesn't need him to put her mind at ease; she just wants to know how he feels. He responds, "I can't come up with any reason not to become more involved and more intimate with you." Wow. That is...wow. That's the kind of declaration of attraction that would send me to the airport looking for the flight out. "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I can't come up with any reason why not, so okay, then."
After dessert (chocolate-dipped strawberries), Aaron gets to open that damned envelope again. To annoy me with the redundancy even further, he also explains to us that he had the envelope. And since Brooke watched the first season of the show, I can only assume she knew this was coming anyway. And it's the same damned message with the name and location changed. See 'N Say Aaron gives Brooke the same line about checking out the room first before deciding whether to stay together. He adds, "I think there's a hot tub up there." That's the other way I knew Gwen was a goner. No hot tub offer.
Brooke and Aaron wander into their fancy suite. They marvel at everything. Brooke describes to us each and every thing that we can plainly see with our own eyes. As Brooke is on the balcony, Aaron wanders out to hand her a present. Brooke tells us that while she was on the balcony, Aaron wandered out to hand her a present. Will you just stop it, for God's sake? Aaron opens a rolled up certificate and reads out that a star has been named after "Breanne," a sister of Brooke's who died. Aww. Somebody's been watching old tapes of Party of Five. Also, I've been notified that these certificates are usually total frauds. But still, it's one of those "It's the thought that counts" things. Not that I think Aaron actually thought of this. Brooke cries and gives him a big hug. Apparently, at their one-on-one date where they went boating on the lake -- no, the other date -- they lay out on the grass and talked about what they would name the stars. She told him she would name one after her sister. Of course, if this show had better editing, the producers would have known this was going to come up again and would have made sure that this actual conversation had appeared way back during the airing of the first date. But why bother? Bunim/Murray's wretched crap is going to pollute the airwaves for another ten years, no doubt, and they're probably not capable of writing a coherent children's book. Brooke says she can't wait to tell her daddy that there's a star named after his little girl. I don't know which daddy she's referring to and given the rumors about why her dad is in jail, I'm just not going to speculate about anything. She says it's the best present she's ever gotten.
Cut to Aaron and Brooke taking a bubble bath together. See 'N Say Aaron reminds us that this is a hard decision, and that he can't think of any "factors" that would make it easier for him to cut somebody. He says, "They're all beautiful, they all have so much going for them, and they're all into me, which is so wonderful." Especially the part where they're all into him. See 'N Say Aaron says he doesn't know how he's going to deal with it.
Commercials. I will not comment on the commercials for Beauty and the Beast on DVD. I will not.
We return back for the evening of the rose ceremony. An eagle-eyed reader has pointed out to me that this ceremony may not be taking place at the Malibu Dream House like I had always assumed. That would explain why the women are showing up at the house. I was under the impression that this was all taking place at different parts of the same mansion, but now I'm not so sure. Also? I don't care. The CGI rendition of Chris Harrison greets Aaron in the deliberation room to ask him how things are going. Aaron is tense. He doesn't know what to do! It's such a hard decision! He claims that he doesn't know what he's going to do. He wants five minutes with each of the girls before he makes a decision. They act like this is some big deal, even though he has had private conversations with the girls before making his decision in episodes. But this episode is running really short, because these people are so terribly boring and have nothing of interest to say. So they'll cling to anything that adds drama while dragging the show on longer. The CGI rendition of Chris Harrison agrees to Aaron's request, but tells Aaron to watch the women's personal videos as he heads out to tell the women about the "change in plans." The CGI rendition of Chris Harrison grabs the roses as he leaves. He has them in this little mat thing to carry them, like they're sacred and he's not allowed to sully them or something.
The videos are as insipid and worthless as they always are. Helene had an "awesome" time and thought the evening was romantic and hopes that Aaron is falling for her the way she is falling for him. The CGI rendition of Chris Harrison ushers Helene into the house. On the video, Gwen tells Aaron that their date was amazing and romantic. She says that the time she gets married, it will be "for real." Well, she just eliminated herself, I think. She's wearing red in the video and shows up to the house in a red dress. In her video, Brooke says that she wishes that she knew a joke that would help Aaron make his decision easier, because she's not deaf and has heard See 'N Say Aaron repeat fifty jillion times how tough this is for him. She says that she can't make Aaron's decision any easier, because she's really growing to care for him and feels comfortable and safe around him. Brooke shows up at the house and is greeted by the CGI rendition of Chris Harrison. The camera closes in on the serial-killer shrine. Aaron does that heavy breathing thing that makes him look like he has to cough.
Commercials, dammit. This show really needs to be only a half-hour long.
When we return, the CGI rendition of Chris Harrison is explaining the change in plan. Each woman will be escorted into the deliberation room for a talk with Aaron. Helene is first. The CGI rendition of Chris Harrison escorts her in, and she asks Aaron what's going on. Aaron insists that it's no big deal. He's giving all the women a final chance to throw themselves at him, and the least emphatic one is getting the boot. He asks Helene whether her opinion about him has changed at all or anything like that. She reiterates that she had a great time in Aspen and felt comfortable with Aaron. He asks if she could see him as her husband someday. She says she can. He asks how Helene would handle it if she didn't get a rose. He insists that he's going to ask all the women this question. Why? Because he doesn't want to look bad is why. That's exactly what it is. He wants to dump the woman who is least likely to call him out on all the kissing and the insistence that he's not leading any of the women on. Helene says she'd be upset, because "[she] really likes him and everything else." She says that she pictured things going further. Except she says "farther" instead of "further," which is one of my pet peeves. "Farther" is a comparative term for physical distance. Don't mind me. I'll just sit over here with my red pencil. Well, that's good enough for Aaron. He gives her a hug and sends her back out.
up is Gwen. She marvels at the deliberation room, having never been in there before. She should have seen that creepy shrine when it had all twenty-five women on it. He asks Gwen the same questions he asked Helene. Can Gwen envision Aaron as her husband? Gwen says she's thought about that, and that the answer is yes. She wouldn't be here otherwise. Oh man, he has to elaborate even more on his rejection question, trying to justify it by claiming that finding out how somebody will respond to a "worst-case scenario" is a true "measure of character." What. An. Ass. I hate him so much. So how would Gwen react if she didn't get a rose? She says she'd be sad and upset. She says that when she talks to Aaron, everything seems positive and like they're "on the same page." The same blank page. Gwen calls him smart and says she respects his opinion. She concludes, "Whatever decision, you make, I'm sure you have a good reason for making it." Oh, she just gave him the opening he needs right there. He tells her he's afraid of making a mistake.
Finally, Aaron brings Brooke in. Brooke tells him that she's scared. Aaron asks if she has any last-minute doubts or questions. Brooke insists that she has no doubts. Brooke's practically crying already. She says, "I'm concerned that you might make a mistake, and we'll both pay for it." Aaron points out that those are bold words. Aaron blathers on about how it's all so hard for him. Brooke enables his delusions by agreeing with him. He doesn't even ask her how she'd react if she didn't get a rose. She tells him that she's been a nervous wreck all day. Well, I guess even somebody as dumb as Aaron knows what's going to happen if he rejects Brooke.
More commercials. God. When we return, we're finally getting to the damned rose ceremony already. The blossoms have withered off the stems by now. The CGI rendition of Chris Harrison comes out to explain that there are two roses. Three women. Two roses. Not three. Not one. Not four. Two. He escorts Aaron out. See 'N Say Aaron blathers that he didn't realize how hard this would all be, and tells them they're all great and wonderful and blah blah blah.
Deep cough-breath. The first rose goes to Helene. She accepts. The captioning helpfully informs the deaf viewers that "[suspenseful music continues]." After about five hours, Aaron offers the second rose to Brooke. She accepts. Meltdown averted. This week anyway. So Gwen and her forehead are out...until she can find another reality dating show to take part in. She hugs the other women goodbye and then heads outside with Aaron.
As Aaron leads Gwen out, he snorts like a bull fifteen times and says that he knows Gwen deserves "a compelling explanation." Oh, I think everybody has given up on getting a compelling explanation of anything from you, Aaron. Gwen wants to sit down to talk to Aaron, which causes a minor crisis, because there's nowhere to sit down outside. Eventually, they wander back down to some outdoor bench, cameramen in tow. Aaron tells Gwen that he's still not sure he made the right decision. He makes it all about him by saying he feels like he's breaking up with somebody he's been dating for years. But she doesn't have a smokin' body that looks good in a hot tub, so out she goes. Gwen says she just wants to know what's going through Aaron's head (Helene and Brooke and a three-way), and why he didn't think he and Gwen belonged together. He blathers on that he had a lot of fun, but that he doesn't know how to explain "love." She asks if he's in love. He gives one of his bull-snort sighs and then slowly nods his head. So now we all know that he's been pretty much full of shit during all of tonight's show. Unless he fell in love based on those five-minute conversations, which I doubt. Though he is that dull; I wouldn't be surprised. Gwen says that whomever Aaron has fallen in love with is a lucky girl. She tears up a little bit. Not much. Just a little.
Aaron escorts Gwen out to the limo. She hugs him and kisses him on the cheek before she leaves. Inside the limo, Gwen tells the camera that she thinks Aaron made a mistake. She mentions the revelation that he's falling in love with somebody and realizes that it's not her. What with the not getting a rose. She says she's "blown away" that Aaron didn't love her back, because she thought she was getting those vibes off him. Yeah, I bet his kissing her every ten minutes kind of drew her to that conclusion. She says she wishes that she was staying, but she's not. She says she doesn't want to let it go, but that she has no choice. Aaron watches the limo go outside and does this weird nose twitch that he does sometimes. I swear, Aaron's got some sort of animal DNA in him. Gwen tears up some more, but tells the camera that she'll be okay.
Inside, Helen and Brooke hold hands and tease each other with their roses. I think that, right there, explains why they're the last two.
week: They're baaaaack! All the rejectees return to try to convince us all that they're not crazy desperate camera whores. Christi cries some more. Brunette Heather cries some more. In two weeks, Aaron picks who he is going to consider possibly, maybe, if the planets align properly, asking to marry.
During the end credits, Helene and Aaron ride around in their date. Helene says she likes wildflowers and hates roses. Apparently, Helene keeps leaving her roses at the house after the ceremony. Doesn't she know she's supposed to press them into her scrapbook and keep them forever and ever?