"The most romantic finale in Bachelor history!" That could very well be true, I don't know. And I'm confused, because I don't think that's happening tonight.
"I can't tell you how smitten I am!" says Matt as he packs for Barbados, where he will be the "luckiest guy."
He says the overnight dates are longer and more intimate (meaning, they have sex?). Shayne's up first, so he's pushing the other two out of his mind. "I think that's the right thing to do," he says. Yeah, that's usually what guys do when they're seeing multiple women. That's the "right" thing to do, arsehole.
On a beach in Barbados, Shayne hug and kiss and say that they missed each other. Shayne says she's "100 percent" falling in love with Matt, and the cynic in me does not believe that for one second. It's her first time out of America, and Shayne can't think of anything more romantic than going on a holiday with a guy who's taking two other women on the same holiday where he auditions what they all look like naked, as I understand it. They cavort and frolic in the water and pretend to be in love. If you listen closely, you might hear Matt say "brilliant" a couple of times.
After the frolicking is over, it's time for a dinner date. Shayne wears some kind of brown shimmery thing that looks like glamorous ancient Rome maternity wear, which is probably not the look she was going for. Matt tells Shayne about how her mom asked him about dating an actress, and handling going to premieres and watching his wife kissing other men. As far as all the glamorous movie premieres in Shayne's future, she might as well have asked, "How would you feel if your wife grew six more legs and became a giant spider-woman?" Shayne has a good laugh at the idea of there being emotion involved in love scenes: "Do you understand that kissing someone on screen is anything but romantic?" Anyone who watches this show understands that completely, Shayne. When Matt broaches the topic of talking about something a little deeper, like the U.S. election, Shayne says this: "As far as politics goes, I'm smart and that. I know what's going on in the world. I'm an intellectual. Is that how you say that?" In a talking-head, she says she doesn't have to prove anything to anybody. Lucky for her.
She asks Matt if he wants to be with her. "When I look in your eyes, I look in the eyes of someone I could easily be with," says Matt. Wow, now that's romantic. Shayne says she's falling in love with him. Matt sighs, and says, "You never cease to amaze me. I'm falling for you too." Then they kiss.
Chris apparently gave Matt an envelope. Shayne opens it, and it says if they forego the individual rooms, they can spend the night together in the fantasy suite, the key to which is enclosed in the envelope. I hate to tell Chris that they can keep their individual rooms but still spend the night together. "It's completely up to you," says Matt. There's no way he didn't know ahead of time what that note said (or is this what usually happens at this point in a season of The Bachelor?). She giggles, and then says yes. In a talking-head, Shayne says for the eightieth time that she's falling in love with Matt. More poolside canoodling, and Matt says the only thing that keeps this from being perfect is that he has to do this with two other women. Make sure you open with that on your dates with Amanda and Chelsea, dude. Also, I'm not sure what's preventing him from just asking Shayne to marry him right there and bagging on the other two dates, if he really feels how he says he does.
Matt was glad he had a "brilliant" day with Shayne. But now it's Amanda's turn, and he can't wait to see her, and she's stunning, and blah blah blah. Amanda says she constantly thinks about him all the time. She says he's the one she's been waiting for, and she doesn't think she'll ever meet someone like Matt again. Well, if she's lucky.
They're going zip-lining. Amanda is scared enough to get the hiccups, but she figures that impressing the man dating two other women is more important than her own personal comfort zone. Once she gets going though, she seems to get into it, and really seems to enjoy herself. Matt keeps calling her "honey."
Amanda figures that now, after she's one of three who have been whittled down from dozens, and she's all the way in Barbados, it's time to start opening up with Matt. Doesn't she say this every week?
They have dinner on the beach, and Amanda babbles about how hard a time she has opening up. I mean, she keeps going on and on. I don't know if she's even stopping to breathe. Matt asks some incomprehensible question about whether she had or didn't have feelings for other boyfriends that they have for each other. I have no idea what they're talking about. They might as well sound like adults on a Peanuts cartoon for how much sense they're making. More blather about "feeling" and "being with you" and then they kiss. "I love being with you. I really really do," says Matt. Overemphasize that a little more, why don't you.
Another envelope from Chris offering them up the fantasy suite card, and she doesn't hesitate at all in saying yes, and she seems to think it's an honor. I hope the room had the honor of being hosed down after Matt and Shayne used it.
Back for champagne and snogging in the fantasy suite, and more blather that sounds like vague lyrics of love from a Diane Warren greatest hits CD.
Two down, one to go. Matt greets Chelsea at the pier, because they're going out on a catamaran. Apparently, their relationship has been on a real roller-coaster, but he had a great time on the hometown date. They're going to have a brilliant time. Her parents were brilliant! In a talking head, he says that when they got out on the boat, things seemed awkward. So we see some deathly boring chit-chat about the size of the island, set to doom and gloom music. "Where was that passion? Where was that romance? Gone. Chelsea seemed a million miles away." This is disappointing for Matt, that this woman is not throwing herself at his brilliant self. Fortunately, they can stop talking and start snorkeling. "I hope that Chelsea and I can turn the corner and fine romance," he says. They bother some poor turtle, who is all, "Oh, god, The Bachelor? I'm too old for this shit" and swims off. Looks like fun, though. Unfortunately, Matt complains that he had more chemistry with the turtle, better eye contact, than he did with Chelsea. "I was gutted," he says. But you're in love with Shayne, and/or Amanda, so how is this a problem? And weirdly, we've had very few talking-heads with Chelsea so far. This is starting to get the vibe of a "hell no I'm not marrying this British douchebag but I'm not turning down a free trip to Barbados" thing from Chelsea. We go to commercial not knowing if Chelsea's going to agree to fuck Matt for the sake of staying in a nicer hotel room.
In a talking head, Matt says he's not sure he wants to go to dinner with Chelsea, if she's not into him. "If she's not feeling it, that's fine? Why should she feel it, if she's not? What I don't want is the act, you know?" Yeah, that's your job, arsehole.
Over dinner, Matt tells her that if there were a Bachelor for best friends, she'd totally have won it already, and Chelsea talks about how she knows the date wasn't great, and admits -- finally -- that the fact that there are other women in the mix is weighing on her. Good for Chelsea. Since this is an actual problem and not the usual blah-blah about "connection" and "opening up," Matt doesn't really have an answer. He does tell her he doesn't want to lose her, though. Anyway, Matt hands over the skeevy Chris Harrison pimpvitation about the individual suite, and Chelsea gives an unqualified yes, since she really wants an evening alone with Matt. Which is kind of what they have right now, isn't it?
So they head inside and blah-blah, and things seem to be going better, and then Chelsea tells Matt she has a surprise for him, and then poor Chelsea is forced to put on this tight night-dress with the camera on her. She comes out of the bedroom and tells Matt she wanted to show him her romantic side, and Matt can barely contain his boner, and in a talking-head, Matt says it was absolutely amazing, and everything he needed her to do, she did. And now he's dreading the rose ceremony. Watching this show with an acute sense of dread is a weekly reality for most of us.
Three women, two roses. The three of them look extremely nervous/uncomfortable/gassy as Matt strolls down the beach. None of them sounds too impressed when he starts talking, clearly wanting him to just get on with it. "I'm losing someone today very close to me. And that hurts like hell inside," he lies. He picks up a rose. "Shayne," he says, after the no-doubt producer-mandated long dramatic pause. Well, that was the easy one.
Chelsea and Amanda can't be bothered to smile as they await his decision. Which is...Chelsea. A pissed-looking Amanda walks off with Matt as Chelsea and Shayne have the good grace not to celebrate.
Matt and Amanda sit down on a bench, and Amanda says she's shocked. "Everything I said I meant," he says, which Amanda points out means dumping her makes even less sense. He offers up some half-assed nonsense about just feeling more with Chelsea and Shayne, and tries again to pretend that everything he told her was 100 percent true. "I don't believe you," she says. She righteously tells him off, and calls him something that requires bleeping (possibly "douchebag," which only makes me like Amanda more). "I'm sorry you feel I've let you down," says Matt, doing his level best to try to appear gentle, and not getting that "I'm falling for you/I'm sending you home" cannot both be true, and that's why Amanda's eviscerating him.
He sees her off to the limo, and she's very curt with him. She fights back tears in the limo as she says she really thought she was falling for him, and that they were actually going to get married. You're too good for him, Amanda. But what I don't get is exactly what any of these women thought was going to happen. Did they not realize he was saying the exact same thing to everybody? Isn't that how this show always works? If Amanda thinks she's upset now, wait until she watches Matt's awkward date with Chelsea that was completely turned around simply by Chelsea putting on sexy black bedroom wear.
Matt walks back to the other two women and maintains a sourpuss face for the minimum required time and then is all "Hello, ladies!" with Shayne and Amanda. And he doesn't say, "What I just did to her? I'm going to do to one of you week." Because that would not be the "most romantic season finale in the history of The Bachelor, now, would it?