First stop: New York, Gia's hometown. "I'm so excited to share this with him, and show him my world," she says. As we watch them hug, Gia tells us Jake "is a great man," like you kind of want to tell her she's not dating Martin Luther King, and she's grateful to be alone with him so she can let her guard down and not let the other women fire up her insecurities.
She's decided on a harbour cruise, on which she points out the Chrysler building ("with the long pointy thing on top") and they take stupid photos, and we see professional photos that the show tries to pass off as the ones that Gia and Jake are taking.
Gia tells Jake that he's the first guy she's going to be introducing to her family that she hasn't been friends with first for a long time. Jake notes that she doesn't really talk about her past relationships, and Gia says she really only had one long one with a guy who was "into bad things" and cheated on her with all her friends. "Communication when we fought was just terrible," she says, which is kind of like saying "my health when I am sick is terrible" but ANYWAY if she and Jake are fighting and she calls him to talk she doesn't want him to ignore her? Because she'll end it right there? Or something? Jake says that isn't his style, and it's great that they're outlining the rules for fighting, as well as conditions that allow an immediate breakup. Jake tells us that he learned a lot about Gia, which is that she's been hurt before, so she's doing everything she can not to be hurt. I'd like Jake to explain how going on The Bachelor squares up with "doing everything she can not to get hurt," but he'd probably start to cry whilst hanging over a railing.
So they're going to dinner with Gia's family, including mother Donna, stepfather Tony, and a couple of brothers and stepbrothers or whatever. Gia says Donna is her "best friend." She really needs to know what her family thinks. Donna tells Jake that she has to talk to her daughter every day. "I need to know she's OK," Donna explains. Someone explain to Donna that Gia is 26, damn.
Donna wants to make sure Jake will have Gia's back. "I'll always have Gia's back," says Jake. Like what else would he say? Donna tells us she doesn't know if Jake's really serious about Gia. Yeah, when a dude is dating three other women, I'm sure I'd doubt the seriousness of it too.
So Donna and Jake go off to talk it out, and Jake can't very well say that he loves Gia and is going to propose, so he talks vaguely about how awesome Gia is. "It feels real organic," he says, in the manner of someone who needs his eyes poked out.
Gia's brother Erick has a heart-to-heart with Gia about how he doesn't want her to get hurt. And now Donna is talking MORE about "having Gia's back," and it kind of sounds like she wants Jake getting in bar fights over Gia or something.
And now Donna and Gia are talking. "I think I see the love in his eyes for you," says Donna. So much for Donna's vaunted opinion that Gia's talking about. Gia in fact has to be the one who points out that Jake is DATING THREE OTHER WOMEN, and Donna completely ignores that and talks about Jake loving her again.
"He can't possibly love me right now," protests Gia, and she just wants to be something different for Jake right now, or whatever, and she's practically crying, and then Donna is talking about how she felt the love in her heart, and maybe Donna should quit living vicariously through her daughter. And I'm starting to get depressed about the fact that Gia is my favorite of the four remaining women.
Meanwhile, Jake is talking with the family, with Erick in particular making sure Jake knows that Gia's been cheated on and Jake's going to run into these people or something, and how's he going to handle that? "I'm not a jealous guy, but I'm extremely protective," says Jake, in keeping with the daddy attitude that he seems to have towards grown women (some of whom on this show, admittedly, act like children -- particularly immature ones at that). "If I gotta hunt you down and break a few legs..." says Erick, and everyone laughs, because Erick is not exactly headed for an Ultimate Fighting Championship career or anything, and Erick doesn't even crack a smile and has to say that he's serious. What the hell is Erick going to do? Scratch Jake up a little with his physics-defyingly over-gelled hair?
So Jake and Gia sit on a stoop and watch the traffic go by, and Jake "saw the real Gia" (who's he been giving a rose to every week until now?) and Gia is falling in love with Jake, and everyone else is falling asleep.
So now we're in Ali's hometown of Williamstown, Mass., so she can stop acting like she's a born and raised San Francisco... ite? --anian? Ali refers to recent "drama" on the show, which was great, because we'd almost forgot! But now there aren't any other competitors around, so Ali's not going to be forced to cut a bitch or anything.
So there's Jake, and they're walking through the town, and now they're sitting on a park bench, and Jake is pants-wettingly cold, and keeps nudging closer into Ali, who starts yapping about how she's a California girl, but she can handle the cold, because she wants it both ways in terms of what she claims is her hometown. And I think it's cute that both of them think that fall in Massachusetts is COLD. "I'll be sitting on your lap here in just a second," he says. And then he is shaking the leaves off the trees and they are making wishes on maple leaves, which I don't think is a real thing. Jake tells Ali that he missed her, and I would like to ask if he missed her before, during or after dinner with Gia's family? We didn't see "missing Ali" come up as a topic of conversation with Gia or her family. Similarly, he hasn't brought up how much he's missing Tenley or Vienna yet.
"I love laughing with Jake, and it's been very easy for us to do that from the get-go," she says. And then she is taking Jake to the house her late grandmother lived in, where Ali spent a lot of time after her grandmother got sick. She wants Jake to "meet" her grandmother. "Even though she isn't here in body, I know she'll be here in spirit." And they sit outside for a while and talk about her, with Jake doing his best "I probably should not be rolling my eyes at this while I'm on camera" face.
"I really believe she made me the woman I am today," says Ali, and I think it's really unfair to level such accusations at a woman who isn't around to defend herself. Jake says walking through Ali's grandmother's house was really "intense" and made him think about life and love and going through all that with someone. And then Ali tells us that her grandmother accepted Jake into the family, and it sure is fortunate that the spirit of Ali's dead grandmother's wishes dovetail exactly with what Ali wants. "She is in tears, she's so happy, looking down on us," Ali tells us, and I have to point out that it's not too late for Jake to run away screaming.
So now Jake's going to get to visit some actual living people: Ali's mom Elizabeth, older sister Rya (?) and little brother Mikey. "My mom is not an easy lady to impress," Ali tells us, and recounts the riveting tale of Elizabeth knowing when Ali wasn't happy with a guy. Because she wasn't! And it didn't work out!
So Elizabeth didn't really know that much about Jake so she went online and found a clip of him spouting his cheesy bullshit about how physical beauty is great but we all get older or some such nonsense, and then she tells Jake that Ali has a heart of gold. All I can say is I wonder what Ali's mom and her dead grandmother think when they watch Ali's behaviour the last few weeks.
Outside, Elizabeth asks Jake what family means to Jake. Family is important, says Jake. "You seem ve
ry genuine, very sincere. This seems very special. In terms of my blessing, you have it," Elizabeth tells him. Yes, Elizabeth, it's so special that this touching scene is being recreated in three other households.Elizabeth tells Ali that her sense of Jake is that he's real and sincere, and Ali responds by saying something about how awesome it would be if he were her husband. "I do feel good about him," says Elizabeth, who then starts talking about intuition, and Ali has her support, and she's ready to start planning a wedding. Elizabeth tells us that her intuition doesn't often fail her. Elizabeth, here's Donna's phone number. I think your intuitions need to talk to each other.
Then Ali and Jake are kissing outside, and Ali tells Jake, "I want you," and adds that if he asked her to marry him today, she would say yes. Jake holds his "sincere" smile for a while. What's he going to do? He can't say he feels the same (even if he does), so he takes his gloves off so he can grab her face with both hands and look as soulful as he can while he rams his tongue down her throat. They talk about how they're going to miss each other. Yes, because Jake is off to do the exact same thing with Tenley! That's how much he's going to miss her!
Jake's off to Newberg, Oregon, Tenley's hometown. Her "core values" really line up with Jake's! Aww. It's like reading Keats! "I've missed her like crazy," Jake tells us. Like when you kissed Ali after she said she wanted to marry you?
Tenley and Jake stroll through the woods. "I want to ask him who he is as a man," says Tenley, because she's been burned and wants to find the man she wants to "spend forever" with. For someone who hates to talk about her ex, she sure brings him up a lot. She says her ex-husband let his parents run his life. Now knowing what the wrong answer is, Jake confidently says he runs just about everything he does by his parents, because they give good advice, but the decision is ultimately his. Tenley calls him "honourable and wise," and again you kind of think a) do these women think they're dating Gandhi or something, and b) how depressing must the other men they've dated have been to make them think of Jake as the second coming? And then she talks about how she wants someone to "be the man" and take the reins, but also make things about them as a team, and I can feel my gorge rising. Translation: Tenley plans to continue sitting on the couch while Jake works, but during this marriage, she plans to get off the couch or out of the kitchen to greet her husband when he comes home. Fortunately (at least for these two), this seems to be exactly what Jake wants too. Nice that their core values are rooted somewhere in the 1940s.
So then Tenley takes Jake to the dance studio that she "grew up" in, and she says that she choreographed a dance routine just for Jake, who is presumably confused by the fact that there's not a brass pole on the dance floor, and he tells us that he was just "melting into the chair" while she was doing her So You Think You Can Dance-reject routine, and then they are dancing together, and Tenley is just bubbling over with happiness because her ex-husband never really saw her dance, which Jake can't believe. You know, I don't condone cheating. But I also don't condone coming to conclusions about a situation or a person based on one side of the story.
So Jake's the first man Tenley's brought home since her divorce, and Jake feels her family will be the most (OF ALL THE FAMILIES OF ALL THE WOMEN HE'S DATING) cautious.
So Jake and Tenley meet the parents, and Tenley says it's great for her family to see her beaming. Was she divorced last week? The timeline's starting to confuse me. Apparently Tenley hasn't seen her mom since she broke the news about her divorce? Really?
They sit down to dinner, and Tenley burbles about getting the first impression rose (which doesn't surprise her mom) and dancing. Tenley's dad takes Jake upstairs to find out what kind of easy answers a guy might give when he's meeting a woman's family on camera.
Tenley's dad says they watched Jake last season on The Bachelor, and were impressed by Jake. Wait, this guy watched it before his daughter was on it? "You appeared to be a man of integrity, and I admired you," says Tenley's dad, who then asks if Jake actually is a man of integrity. Jake says he is. Which is great, because now Tenley's dad can check off "man of integrity" on his checklist. And Jake mentions "values" again.
And then Tenley and her dad have an emotional conversation about how hard it is for a father to watch his daughter get hurt, and of course they have to do the unnatural thing where they pretend there's not a camera there. I would NEVER, EVER submit my family to this. Everyone involved should be ashamed. And since my daughter was born, I am an absolute basket case about movies, television shows, television commercials, that depict father-daughter relationships, or even shows where little girls are sad. You know how towards the end of Monsters, Inc., when Sulley sadly says goodbye to Boo and goes back in the closet, and she runs to the closet and opens it up but it's just a regular closet again? That makes me cry EVERY TIME. I'm crying right now TYPING ABOUT IT. And that's a cartoon! This tearful conversation between a daughter and her father? Leaving me completely cold.
Meanwhile, Tenley's mom is talking about herself in the third person and wants to know if Jake has any questions for her. Jake wants to know if she thinks Tenley would be ready to get married again. "Tenley's going to have emotional spillovers for a while," says Tenley's mom. Yeah, that sounds like "no" to me, but she adds that if anybody could be (if anybody could be ready for marriage again?), it's Tenley.
So everyone's having a great time, which is great, given that Tenley's ex-husband was apparently a drunk child-molesting adulterous puppy-kicker. "I'm nothing like her ex-husband at all," Jake tells us, under the impression that Tenley was married to Daniel Plainview. Jake then asks Tenley's dad if he can have his permission to marry his daughter. And Robert gives his blessing, as long as Jake understands the responsibilities of taking care of her, and they shake on it, and hug, and maybe this was edited out, but at no point do we hear Robert say, "How about you stop dating other women who you are saying all this same bullshit to before you have the nerve to ask to marry my daughter?" followed by, "And if you ever do settle on my daughter, the only permission you need is from her." I mean, this guy has SEEN The Bachelor, so he knows what's going on.
Tenley tells us, "I can honestly say, my heart feels safe. I'm falling for Jake."
So now we're in Sanford, Florida, because Vienna's a "Florida girl," so this at least gives us hope that one or both of them will be eaten by alligators. They take a boat down the river, and it looks kind of like Apocalypse Now, only more grim. Vienna tells Jake that her dad has only met two guys that she's seriously dated, and didn't like either one.
Jake tells us that Vienna puts her dad on a pedestal, and he really needs his approval. And then we're at Vienna's dad's place, and there is much hugging, and then Vienna and her dad are crying, and Vienna tells us that she's daddy's girl, and her dad "takes care" of her, and I SWEAR TO GOD I will disown my daughter if she is well into her 20s and talking this bullshit like an entitled 12-year-old.
So then Vincent takes Jake out to the garage, and brings up the fact that Jake is dating other women, and he treats Vienna like a princess and he expects the man she marries to do the same, because Vienna will do the same for Jake: "The house will be clean, the kids will be raised right," Vincent promises on behalf of his daughter, because I suppose a FUCKING JOB is out of the question. Besides, if you don't treat Vienna right, she'll probably just 1 2 3 4
arget="_Blank">steal your money to get a boob job anyway. Anyone want to make a bet that Vincent thinks his daughter's still a virgin?Jake promises he would treat Vienna like a princess. "I'm really into her. She's amazing. I'm falling hard." And then everybody sits around together, and Jake talks about how all the other women are jus' jealous of Vienna but he's not listening to that, which makes him look like the big protector man of poor wittle Vienna.
Then Vienna and Jake cuddle in her bedroom, which is tiny, while Jake talks about falling for Vienna, which is great, but it's also scary "because it's so real." And then Vincent busts in to make sure there's at least 12 inches between the two of them on the bed. He should probably also make sure that Vienna's got her homework for tomorrow finished, or there is no WAY she's going to the dance Friday night! My god, this is depressing. I'm starting to think that Vienna should just leave the show now because I think her mental age disqualifies her for marriage under most states' age of consent laws. Then they make out.
"I have completely fallen for all four women," he says. There's a knock on his door, and it's a distraught Ali coming in to pout and cry on the couch. He asks her what the matter is, and it takes her a while to get it out. She says she has the most "impossible decision" to make. She has to choose between staying here and going back to work. Easy decision, because Jake's not going to want you to have a job anyway.
Ali says she wanted to let Jake know, and she'll need him to help her. Help her what? "So what are you asking me?" She cries and says she doesn't know, when what she really wants is for him to propose right now so she can go back to her job. And since he can't do that, he makes some nice noise about he's grateful to have met her, but he can't guarantee that he's going to put a ring on her finger. Of course, he can't say he won't either.
God, this goes on forever. She says she'll let him know at the rose ceremony, and he sees her to the door, and they kiss, and he magnanimously tells her that whatever she decides is OK, which is really big of him. Then she collapses and cries in the hallway, great big tears of not-mature-enough-to-get-married-anyway. Jake tells us that he's not ready for Ali to go, but if she stays she'll be fired. "It's a situation that's beyond her control," he says. No, it's a situation that's beyond your control, you increasingly-creepily-paternalistic douchebag. The situation is ENTIRELY within her control. Jesus, what kind of asshole wouldn't say "go back to your job; if we're meant to be, it'll work out"? I have to say, as someone whose girlfriend once had to move away for a job opportunity, I DON'T SEE THE TRAGEDY HERE. I found a job where she was, and moved to be with her, and we'll have been married five years week. To make a long story short: grow up, Ali.
So Jake goes for some bro-on-bro advice with Chris Harrison, and he talks about how sad he'll be if Ali leaves, and how he'll do a backflip if she stays. Harrison asks if it'll be a lot of pressure on him and the two of them if Ali quits her job and stays. Yeah, what if she quits her job and she's not the one, asks Harrison. "I know. I can't even respond," says Jake.
Then he starts talking about how when he was in her hometown, he was looking at her like he might spend the rest of his life with her. Well, the good news is you've got three others who you feel the exact same about, Jake. ACCORDING TO YOU.
So the women arrive one by one as Jake voices over different nice things about all of them and says again that he's fallen for all four women. It's too bad no one has told him that it's the fact that he keeps saying ridiculous contractually obligated bullshit like this that indicates he doesn't have any idea what love means. And now "the tables have turned," Jake tells us, because he has no idea what's going to happen tonight.
"Chris, can I talk to you for a second?" Ali asks, and we go to commercial. Ooh, all dramatic. Hey, while we're on the subject, I think it's fair to applaud The Bachelor for what seems to have been a complete eradication of the meaningless "the most [adjective] [noun] in Bachelor history!" promos.
After the commercial, we watch that again, from a different angle! "This is crazy," whispers Tenley. Sounds kind of like the other women have some idea what's going on. Ali tells us that she never thought she'd have to choose between the guy she loves and the job she loves, and too bad she can't hear us telling her "you don't!" Harrison escorts Ali to Jake's room, and says he'll give them a couple minutes to talk. Jake and Ali sit down on a couch, and he takes her hand. "You're beautiful," he says. "You look really, really, really handsome," she says, both of them immediately identifying what is actually really the most important thing to them.
Jake asks "Where are you right now with us?" and she babbles incoherently and says nothing. "I know what I want you to do and what I want you to tell me. But I want it to be your idea," he says. Asshole. She says maybe she needs him to say it. Invertebrate! Jake says she came here for a reason, and then they start to talk about how much she's falling in love, and she swings her legs onto his lap.
"If you're falling in love with me, then you need to weight that," says Jake, and then Ali burrows into him and cries like a little girl, and she looks exactly like my daughter does when she's hurt her knee playing and needs a hug from me, and I think at this point she ought to decide to quit, since after watching this disgusting display, if I were her boss, I'd be looking for excuses to fire her. "I don't want you to go. We have something really special," he says, and he says he "loves the fact" that he's falling in love with her, and if she "chooses" to leave, he will be devastated. And then they kiss and she says "I love you" and of course he doesn't say it back. And then Harrison comes in and asks if Ali's made a decision, and she full-on BAWLS and says she wants a little more time. And we go to another commercial break. Are you KIDDING me with this shit?
And then, finally, blessedly: "I have to go. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she says, and they hug. Because love cannot exist outside of the television cameras and the rules laid down by this show, so this is supposed to be some kind of tragedy. Jake walks her out, to a limo. "I feel like you're slipping right through my fingers. And I don't know how to stop you," he says. God, shut the fuck UP, Jake, and let her HAVE A JOB, and if you love her, bag on the rest of the show and be with her. YOU FLY PLANES, for God's sake. I'm sure you can make it to San Francisco. "I'm so sorry," Ali says again as she gets in the limo, and why she's apologizing to Jake, who has been an utter dick about this whole thing, I have no idea.
Then we're forced to watch Jake force himself to cry and drape himself all sensitively over the railing on the hotel steps. But hey, looks like he's getting over it: "I have three wonderful women waiting for me, and they've given their heart to me, and if I give up now, I don't deserve to find true love," Jake tells us.
He and Harrison walk back in and Harrison announces that because Ali left, there won't be a rose ceremony. Jake's thrilled that he doesn't have to hand out roses, so he invites the women to come pick up their roses. You know, for someone who just had his heart broken, ACCORDING TO HIM, he sure is smiling pretty easily. He tells the women that they're heading off to St. Lucia week for the sex dates!
Meanwhile, Ali probably ought to be on suicide watch in the limo. "What did I do? How could I have left him?" she moans. Well, you left a man who doesn't say "I love you" when you say it to him because he's dating three other women, and you'll lose your job if you don't. What exactly was your dilemma? I don't normally discuss previews but I would like to point out that it's not really any surprise that Jake appears to get a call f
1 2 3 4
rom Ali in St. Lucia. So maybe she's pulling an Ed, which worked out for Ed. If by "worked out" you mean "in a fake reality-show relationship."And then: "In three weeks, it's the most dramatic season finale in Bachelor history," Harrison tells us. Oh, damn, I knew I shouldn't have said anything about the promos.
During the credits, we watch Gia's mom give Jake a Tarot card reading. Wisely kept out of the main show, as it makes her grip on reality seem even more tenuous than it already did.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He knows a big failing as a father is not having Special Forces connections like Liam Neeson in Taken. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4