By Angel Cohn
Don't be alarmed, folks, Daniel will still be back as your regular Bachelor weecapper, offering up his opinions on the weepy Jake and the classy gals who pretend to love him in order to get famous for the rest of the season. Tonight, Daniel is just off at the airport. He said it was a family thing, but I've got a hunch that he was just hoping to catch a glimpse of Jake in action.
So, basically that means I'm stuck here trying to figure out how Jake got picked to be the Bachelor this season. Sure he's attractive, but he also cries at the drop of his hat and misguidedly stuck his nose in Jillian's business when it was clear that she was just happy being the dumbest girl on the planet. I mean, she's claiming to be thrilled about living with a guy who dumped her, then came back and who suffers from erectile dysfunction, so there's really just no helping her. We realized that long ago, but Jake didn't. Now here he is, cheesing it up for another installment, and we're saddled with the lame tagline "on the wings of love." Groan. The ABC publicity department must have been beside themselves with excitement when they came up with that one. Anyway, enough of my general discontent and skepticism about this season -- let the waterworks begin!
The voiceover tells us that America fell in love with Jake Pavelka on The Bachelorette... OK, if you say so. Jake gushes about Jillian and how much he liked her and how they had so much potential. He was crushed when she dumped him for being such a nice guy. Read: boring. He went back home to Dallas to take some time to himself. Apparently most of that time was spent walking around his apartment shirtless. Now he's ready to find a woman to love. Gag. It almost sounds like he really believes that is the point of this show. Jake, we know you just want to be famous and show the world how toned your abs are and how nice you look in your pilot's uniform, you really don't have to try so goddamned hard with the faux sincerity. He hopes to some day find the girl of his dreams. The voiceover tells us that this show is his chance, but I've seen this show, and read People magazine now and then, and I'm aware that isn't a realistic possibility. The voice over tells us that he's our new Bachelor, and shows more photos of him shirtless and exercising. I guess at least they know their audience.
Oh, lord. Now he's describing his passion for aviation. Which actually sounds more sincere than his desire to find a wife. He had a storybook childhood, was a football player, had supportive parents, yada yada. He owns a home, and does carpentry -- shirtless, of course. I bet he'd fly a plane shirtless if the FAA would allow it. He also rides a motorcycle, or at least he does for this show's purposes. Is that an attempt to look more edgy and less boring? It might almost be working. I'm slightly convinced. If it was one iota more realistic, I'd be sold. I'm sure that there are girls at home that still believe this show is real who are crying right now that they didn't get picked to date Jake.
He didn't think he'd be 31 and single. Especially since he likes to run on the beach sans top. He seems to believe that nice guys finish eventually, as he sits astride his motorcycle at the beach, in front of a sunset with a huge palm tree in the frame and a jet plane flying overhead. The clichés, they are killing me. He interviews that he's determined to get down on one knee and propose and leave this farce with a fiancé. Lord help Daniel when he gets back week. Especially since they show scenes from the season, and it looks even tackier than ever. He's afraid of getting his heart broken... again. Because that happens on reality TV.
Chris! I missed you, you sad, sad man. He tells us that America demanded that Jake be our Bachelor. Was that because lonely ladies watching at home just wanted to see him shirtless? Because if that's the case, I understand it, but it couldn't have been for his personality. It just couldn't have. Could it? I don't understand the world sometimes. Now to meet the 25 gals who could win Jake's heart.
First up, there's Ali! She's a hopeless romantic who has lost boyfriends to video games (really?), and her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. Trainwreck! Awesome. Then there's Alexa, who also likes to ride motorcycles and has a talent for faking orgasms. Tenley is a very flexible sort of girl who looks like she did pageants for all the sparkles she has on her swimsuit. She also does musical theater and talks like Minnie Mouse. She got to play Ariel in Tokyo. Not even on Broadway. She's also been married, she was a virgin until she was married, but her husband cheated on her, so she's real sad. Tenley and Ali will have so much to talk about.
Elizabeth is a captain in the Air National Guard. She's adorable and a pilot. Let's just hook these two up now and be done with this show. Too bad she's not as flighty or girly as the other girls, because as it is she probably doesn't stand a chance. Speaking of girly, there's the trashy Rozlyn, who is a very tacky-looking model who basically thinks that all girls are bitches and jealous because she's hot. She thinks pilots are as sexy as firemen. I hate her already. Christina is a self-proclaimed "guy's girl" and admits to being a little bitchy, and she practiced small talk in the mirror. She's competitive and looks like she could cut a bitch. She might fit in better on The Bad Girls Club.
Vienna is . Wait. WTF kind of name is Vienna? Anyway, she and her enormous fake boobs went to college but she is currently unemployed and existing as a spoiled daddy's girl who spends her days on yachts. AND she has one of those little dogs that she treats like a child and takes to restaurants. My head hurts. How many more are there? There's Ashley, who is a teacher, but gets boxes of clothes every day from her mother with skimpy clothing in it so she can be properly (un)dressed when she meets Jake. [Aww. Thanks, mom! - Zach]
There's another Elizabeth, a.k.a. Elizabeth from Nebraska (hey, that's what they call her on the official site, because apparently a last initial would be too revealing), who has had ups and downs in love and has a huge gap between her two fake boobs. I normally wouldn't comment on such a thing, but it is insanely distracting. In fact, I can't even pay much attention to what she's saying. I can't stop starring. It's like going to the freak show. She may have a pretty face, but I couldn't tell you. Ella, the single mom, thinks that Jake is Prince Charming. She's really looking forward to bringing him home to her son, so they can have a nice little life together. She also likes to box and will punch someone out if they get in her way. Classy.
Gia! Oh wait, I got excited that it was the same Gia who did the cooter shots on Rock of Love, but alas, it is just another trashy, bikini-clad girl who is a part-time model. (And now I'm singing Flight of Conchords in my head...) Gia also has fake boobs and hasn't dated too much. Now we're on to the girls who only merit a speed round sound bite: Kimberly (what is with all the normal names this season? Interesting twist, casting department) is an NBA dancer and is excited; Emily, who looks like Rory Gilmore, can't believe that she's going to meet Jake; Tiana, who is ancient at 31, is doing push-ups to look as hot as the young girls; Caitlyn is going to dominate with her pageant experience; Kirsten will cut a bitch (oh, her and Christina could be besties!); and Michelle is 25 (looks older) and is ready to be a wife.
In a limo, a bunch of ladies toast to Jillian, who ditched Jake so they could have a chance. Jake says that he's risking it all for love, but I'm not exactly sure what he is risking here. Is he losing his job or house by going on this show? Oh, his heart. Right. I forgot. Chris brings in Jake, who arrives on his motorcycle, and Chris can barely muster enthusiasm about seeing cardboard cutout Jake again. They go have a little heart-to-heart. I for once wish Chris would just be candid, and be like "dude, what are you doing here again? Are you stupid?" No, he talks about how it must be weird to have the shoe on the other foot and why America fell for him. Jake says he's lonely. And hates rainy days. I hear those and Mondays will always get you down. His game plan is to be "less intense" than he was on the first date with Jillian. They say the words "nice guys finish last" for like the 15th time tonight, and it's only 20 minutes into the episode. Chris puts him on the spot and asks if he'd give up flying for a girl who is his true love. He says yes, but you know he wouldn't. Like really, would you quit your good, paying job for a stupid girl on a reality show? No. Chris, be real.
Now the ladies start arriving. Limo #1 pulls up filled with screaming girls. Rozlyn is first. She looks slightly less trashy than before, and says her name means Little Rose, so he should remember that at the rose ceremony. Then she tells him to fasten his seatbelt because it is going to be a bumpy ride. Oh no. Are they all going to make corny puns about his job? I'm going to need at least 10 of those little airline liquor bottles and a case of Dramamine to get through the rest of this episode without getting nauseous. Jake says he loves bumpy rides. Emily/Rory greets him with a big hug and says she only came to do this show because he was picked to be The Bachelor. Ali walks up with a whisper. She lost her voice, and shows up with a peacock feather because they use them to attract a mate. There's Jessie, who I believe we didn't see before. She squeezes his arms and asks if he has a registry for his guns. I don't think that means what she thinks it means. She's clearly nervous and not important enough to be previously introduced, so I'm not going to dwell. Tenley ("like the number 10") says she admired him for checking his pride at the door last season. He beams at her. She walks in to sit with the rest of the girls and claims she's in love already.
Limo 2! Ella steps out, takes a deep breath and then goes over and basically plays "made ya look" with his tie. He's charmed by the strange attempt at humor and Southern accent. She then asks how it feels to be talking to the woman he's going to marry. He says it is surreal, but like, awkward question, Ella. Kathryn is wearing so many sparkles and a poofy tulle dress, and claims she's a breath of fresh air. Caitlyn wants to see him in a uniform. Elizabeth from DC (my favorite already) looks stunning, and asks if he likes Jake or Jacob. She's got a coin and says that if it's heads she stays, tails she goes. She of course gets heads, as she walks away he realizes it's double-sided. [A con artist! Is his wallet missing, too? - Z] Alexa wears little black gloves; she says they're for riding her Harley.
Limo 3. Vienna wants to feel his abs. And he lets her. He lets her! They just met. She says she has a two-pack he can feel later. Um, what? Is she drunk already? She does have the crazy eyes. Regardless, it's trashy and I like it! Corrie. Where'd she come from? Oh, Kissimmee. But she confuses him when he thinks she wants a kiss. Oh, Jake, if you are afraid to kiss girls, this is not the show to be on. Kimberly, from Oklahoma, wants to put their college football rivalries aside and does hook 'em horns. Valisha just got back from her family reunion in Texas, she's got a present for him. It's dirt! From Texas! Romantic! Gia, who walks out of the limo and looks at the camera before she looks at Jake, so clearly here for the "right reasons." She owns a hair salon in Manhattan.
That's the first 15 girls. Chris comes out to see how Jake's doing and get his first impression before unleashing the 10. Limo 4. More squealing. Elizabeth from Nebraska asks if he's nervous, gets him to close his eyes and picture his favorite place. He says, right here, right now. She says hers is snowboarding, but he says he's a skier. How will they ever overcome that big difference? Channy greets him in Cambodian, and says he'll have to come find her to get the translation. Her dress is super short. Ashley is wearing one of those dresses her mom sent her, and says she has a broken picker, because she has a hard time picking a man. She pulls out a little spinning wheel with pictures of her on it to help him decide on her, or something. It's confusing. Tiana (the first words out of her mouth are "don't think I'm crazy," never a good sign) tells him that she and her friends have Bachelorette parties and she fell for him and said she'd marry him the second she saw him come out of the limo. Yeah, she's certifiable/desperate. Christina shows up with a big straw basket of jelly beans as a parting gift for the girls to take as they leave. Jake keeps making this weird pained face as these girls walk off. Inside, she tells the girls about her jelly beans, and it goes over about as well as you'd expect.
Limo 5! Ashleigh trips and falls into his arms. She's a big, bouncy blonde with absolutely nothing to say. Kirsten tells him that Jillian was very stupid, and says that her best friend has something to share with him, and she'll tell him inside. Can't wait. Stephanie is a dance teacher and asks for the first dance. Sheila wears her sunglasses at night. She gives the aviators to him since together they are a pair of aviators. What? That doesn't even make sense. Michelle turns her arms into wings and pretends to fly over to him. She wants to become his co-pilot and wants to be one of his passengers. These ladies need some help with their metaphors. That's the girls. Phew. Jake tells Chris his wife is in there. Gag. That Dramamine isn't even coming close to helping
Now that we've met the women, it's time to play a little game that I like to call, who slept with the crew member? Since the big buzz this week is that someone gets kicked off for breaking the rules and slutting it up with someone off-camera, I've been trying to figure out which girl is that trashy. My money is on Rozlyn. Something about her bleached blonde hair, her fake personality and the "z" in the middle of her name just makes me wary of her. If it is Elizabeth from DC, I will be very disappointed in her. So far she's one of the few I like.
The ladies are all inside talking about how perfect he is and how they want to strip him naked. Seriously, the guy will take his shirt off at the drop of a hat. It isn't hard to get him to be naked. I'm surprised he's kept a suit on this long. It's been like 15 minutes since we've had a gratuitous shot of him showering or running or swimming. I wonder if the ratings have dropped. Jake walks in, apologizes for being nervous and then tells the ladies he's looking for his best friend and wife and wants them to all have a lot of fun. Tenley asks him the deep question of how nervous he is on the scale of one to ten. Original! Then Ashleigh tries to talk about her pilot lessons or whatever and says she wants a direct flight to romance. OMG. These cheesy puns are out of control. I can't take it. Is this what it is going to be like all season? Did the "on the wings of love" slogan give them free reign to make bad puns? Vienna weirdly reminds me of that Jessie girl from NYC Prep, like she could be pretty, but there's something weird going on with the eyes. Ali is the first lady to get pulled aside for a one-on-one. She stumbles and rips her dress, but he catches her, and she's really excited. She is very scared of flying and has skipped out on vacations because of it. He says he can make her comfortable flying. She tells the girls that she's keeping her ripped dress as the day she fell for him.
Corrie from Kissimmee wants to know what Jake's priorities are. He says: God, Family and Friends. She likes his values, she also likes that he's handy with a power tool, which he considers his artsy side. Inside the ladies talk about how perfect he is and wonder if that would get on their nerves. Yes, yes it would. Channy says she's OK with that, because she can be a naughty girl and he needs shaking up. She translates her Cambodian phrase for him during her alone time. He thinks it is going to be pretty and romantic, but it is: "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime." Hello! When did this turn into Rock of Love. Though those girls wouldn't resort to euphemisms, and are far more blunt. Channy's a little brash though, by Bachelor standards and Jake's practically blushing. Inside the girls complain about how skanky she is. Christina talks about the girls who have their "ta-tas" out to play, and admits that she's probably jealous. Some of the more demure girls think that perfect Jake won't want racy girls with big boobs. Um, really? He's a guy. Ella says she's not going to be catty and steals Jake away to tell him about the love of his life, i.e. her. She talks about her 7-year-old son who wants to be a pilot. She gives him a plane from her son. Someone wants a daddy! Weird.
Ashley changes upstairs into a co-pilot outfit. It's a super-short flight attendant outfit. The other girls are being catty because they didn't think of these clever ruses. Jake seems impressed by her ideas and her long, barely covered legs. She's almost got a Ph.D, but that's like the last thing she mentions. [Don't scare him away with your brains! - Z] Elizabeth from Nebraska thinks that the stewardess costume is desperate, but she drags Jake away with a football. Not desperate at all there, Elizabeth from Nebraska. She thinks you can tell a lot about a guy by how he plays football. It's like the hot dog thing all over again. Where do they find these women? Soon, all of the girls ditch their heels and start playing football. I have to admit, I've never seen football played in evening gowns before. That's a first for me. Blondes vs. brunettes, because of course. It mostly devolves into girls just chasing him around the courtyard.
The shoes go back on, then there's drinks. Tiana didn't realize this would be a competition. Has she never seen this show? Chris walks out in his manservant role, drops off a rose and walks out. Michelle says it will kill her if she doesn't get a rose. She feels she deserves him. Rozlyn claims she's not desperate. Vienna basically tells Jake that she wants the rose, and she's very energetic. She starts showing him a bump in her leg and makes him kiss it. Inside the girls talk about the lucky girl who got to touch his abs. I like that these women are clearly here for all the right reasons. Then Jake sits down to Kathryn, who is wearing a wedding ring. He's rightly curious. She's a corporate flight attendant and has a pretend fiancé. Wait. What? Seriously. She bought herself a huge (seemingly real) giant engagement ring and wears it? Then she claims that she is hoping for something real? What guy in his right mind would date a girl with that kind of crazy stamped all over her? [If it keeps handsy executives from getting fresh a mile up in the air, it might not be so crazy. - Z] It's easier to overlook the Michelle kind of wacky, since they keep showing her making a jealous face every time she finds out that another girl got Jake's attention, because that's nutty on the inside, but Kathryn's got the wacko on the outside. You can't miss that. She gives Jake the ring and says she hopes he gives it back to her. Please send her home. Please? I don't know if I can handle this weirdo.
Around the couches the women start wondering who the ten girls going home are. They also start getting desperate for some alone or small group time. This goes better for some than others. Stephanie whisks him away for a dancing lesson. Michelle looms jealously. And starts crying about how much she gave up to be here and to be with Jake alone. She's bound and determined to get that first impression rose. Alexa realizes that Michelle's crazy. As does Vienna. Michelle tearily explains how much she wants to be with him. He likes that she's genuine. He relates to the teary girl. Yeah, I just bet he does.
Chris comes back in and clinks a glass to get everyone's attention. They are bringing in some help for him to size up the ladies. It's Jillian, wearing a disco ball dress, and Ed, looking as dopey as he always does. Jake thinks that these two are a stellar example of how this show works out for people. Oh, please don't use these two morons as your role models.
Jake tells Ed and Jill that he's worried he'll let the right girl go. Ed says they'll help him vet out the losers. Jillian has a notebook and starts writing down her questions/thoughts on people. There's a random dance party when Jillian finds out that one girl likes to boogie. Jillian... some things just never change. I think the disco ball put her in the mood. Jake says that Rozlyn is sexy, and she asks him if he wants to have kids right away... with her. Subtle. These questions from Jill and Ed are so stolen from The Dating Game. "What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom?" Really? What decade is this again? Christina has Jake lay down on the ground and then tries to get him to do some Cirque du Soleil balancing tricks. Michelle starts telling Ed and Jill about her nervous breakdown. Don't TELL people you are crazy, Michelle. That's reality show lesson numero uno. Tenley has a list of ten things about herself that she reads to Jake. It's pretty trite and unoriginal. And then she says she wants to kiss him. He gives her a little peck. It's sorta cute, and annoying. She's almost boring enough to be the right girl for him. She then talks about how she's only been with one man before, and that was her ex-husband. She says she wasn't emotionally ready to kiss someone else. It was a peck! A peck!
Jake goes to Jill and Ed for advice. Ed likes Elizabeth from Nebraska because she's hot. Way to dig deep there, Ed. Jill likes single mom Ella. They both like Sheila the pilot. And they like Kathryn with the engagement ring. They don't think that's a red flag? They tell him that Michelle's too emotional. Well any idiot could see that. So I guess these two idiots were bound to figure it out. They hug him and send him on his way. Its time for him to hand out the first impression rose. He walks in and grabs it while a room full of girls sit there, and then walks out and then back in. Tricky, but not really at all. He pulls kissing fool Tenley aside for some one-on-one time. He gives her the rose, and the other girls are unimpressed and gossip about how she kissed him. Chris is back to pull Jake away. Michelle thinks that she's definitely part of the 15 girls staying. I'd says she's definitely among the 10 going home.
Conveyor Belt of Love... I still can't believe that show really exists.
Jake and Chris deliberate. This involves rehashing all of the things he's said about being nervous and whatnot. The moment that sticks out most for him is Ashleigh in the flight attendant uniform. Chris asks him about Channy's Cambodian phrase. Jake admits he was speechless. Ali is horribly scared of flying, but he thinks he likes her enough to deal with it. They go through the girls, talk about crazy Michelle and then Chris leaves him at the wall to decide which girls he'll keep.
He comes out and thanks them all for being there. He says if they don't receive a rose, it is nothing personal... but it is. I mean, that's the whole point of this show. First to get a rose, single mom Ella. Then he doles out roses to Elizabeth from Nebraska (he calls her that, too!), fearful flyer Ali, googly eyed Vienna, bitchy jelly bean girl Christina, non-cooter shot Gia, stewardess/broken picker Ashley E. (how come she gets an initial and not a state?), trashy model Rozlyn. It is at this point that Michelle starts making a stink face. Then it's roses for gun registry Jessie, Corrie from Kissimmee, nearly invisible Valisha, other Ashleigh and fake fiancé Kathryn. There's only one rose left. My girl Elizabeth from DC hasn't gotten one. Sad! I'm hoping for her or Rory Gilmore... instead he gives it to Michelle?!?!?! The producers must have made him do that.
Tiana thinks Jake didn't have enough time to get to know her. Rory/Emily says that she's frustrated because she wanted to fall in love and get the fairy tale. She starts crying in her interview and has to walk away from the cameras. Kimberly says she's shocked because she thought she shared herself. I think she just didn't have the foresight to pack a stewardess outfit.
And with that we're out, with only a preview of the season to tide us over until week. There's so much crying, and Jake storming out of a room. There's sailing and plenty of shots of Jake topless. I just can't wait for Daniel to come back.
In the outtakes, Christina asks the girls who has joined the mile-high club. No one admits to it. I'm skeptical.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read about Jake's big Bachelorette moment in our Worst Moments Gallery!