Bachelor TV Show - It Seems Like There's A Hole In My Dreams - Bachelor Photos & Videos, Bachelor Reviews & Bachelor Recaps | TWoP

Recapped by Daniel · Aired 03-11-2013

The lies start immediately, with Chris Harrison telling us that tonight is a "live three-hour event," which is only one-third true, but then OH WAIT Chris Harrison is hosting a live event to kick off the finale. Anyway, he tells us there's some "late-breaking news" about Sean's quest for love that is a "Bachelor first" that "very well could provide" -- sure you've got enough qualifiers there? -- one of the most the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history. And then he waits for the audience's spontaneous "oohs" and it takes them a moment to realize what they're supposed to do. Then he asks who is rooting for Catherine and who is rooting for Lindsay, and for obvious reasons he doesn't ask who is rooting for dignity and intelligence.

And now over to Chiang Rai, and I presume some of the dumber members of the audience might think this is live too. Sean greets his family, who has been kidnapped to Thailand too for a "long-overdue reunion," and he's really excited for his family to meet his two co-stars. I mean, "girlfriends." He assures his family they're both hilarious and fun to be around. Hell, why not marry both of them!

They're meeting Catherine first, and his mom cops to being nervous, since this is a serious decision to make. Well, I'm sure she's reassured by her son's decision to be on the show for a second time.

His mom tells him that she thinks if he's about to propose, then he must really have already narrowed it down to one. "You would think that, but I don't. Logically you would think that," he says. But he is obligated to carry on the notion that he is actually in love with two women. He hilariously appears to be slightly pissed at his mom for trying to introduce "logic" into this brain-dead exercise. "Be cool," his furrowed brow tells her. "Play along."

Catherine shows up, and everyone hugs, and she can't imagine what she'll feel like if things go wrong. You'll be relieved to know she's "falling in love" with Sean. Everyone sits down to supper, and Catherine reveals she played football in sixth grade. Fortunately for her potential husband and his decades-old image of gender roles and positions of dominance in male-female relationships, she broke her arm and her mom wouldn't let her play football anymore (but let her be a cheerleader).

Sean's mom sits down with Catherine and asks her when she knew that Sean could be the one. Catherine says she used to write him notes, and then in the third week he wrote her back, or some stupid shit like that that makes zero sense. If he did "pop the question," she asks Catherine, is she "on board" with that? Tough question! Catherine is, of course, and she spouts the same tired "Sean is a combination of Jesus-Mother Theresa-Gandhi" routine and explains that Sean validates her as a person or something.

By Daniel

And then Sean's dad sits down with her and asks if she "believes in the Bachelor process" and she says she was skeptical in the beginning -- not that she ever said anything like that in the beginning. Dad also asks her how she knows she's in love before they get married. Catherine babbles incoherently about giving herself to Sean, but Dad seems to be won over anyway, and proclaims that if she and Sean get married, she will have no bigger fan than him. "I love my dad, but my dad hasn't been my cheerleader in a long time," says Catherine, which is a huge bummer of a thing to say.

And now Sean is talking about Catherine and his family falling in love with each other like STOP SAYING "FALLING IN LOVE," IT MEANS MORE THAN JUST "MET."

He sees Catherine off and now is thinking ahead to Lindsay visiting and all the "clarity" -- there he goes again with that -- he won't have, what with Lindsay being totally awesome and just as much the object of his affections as Catherine is. Which is either bullshit (if false) or creepy (if true), and neither scenario is appealing.

Anyway, in this obviously backwards primitive nation of Thailand, elephants play and farmers harvest rice paddies, and now Sean is talking about "clarity" again and I CAN'T TAKE THREE HOURS OF THIS.

Lindsay arrives. "I feel so close to being Sean's fiancée," she tells us. Yeah, you're TOP TWO FOR THE POSITION, so CONGRATULATIONS. And much like Catherine she seems to want to marry someone whose feelings are apparently dependent on what his family thinks. Anyway, Lindsay meets the family and she and Sean talk about feeding monkeys on the beach, which Sean proclaims the "coolest thing I've ever done." Lindsay calls it a "dream come true" to be with the family of her potential fiancée, with no mention of the fact that she's not even the first woman TO DO THIS WITH THIS PARTICULAR MAN AND HIS FAMILY.

Sean's dad asks her about how she knows she and Sean won't fall out of love or whatever, and he must be relieved by the way Lindsay explains she totally wants to hang out with Sean a lot. She's no dummy, though, because she mentions prayer and compromise. Dad says he and his wife have been praying every day since Sean was born for Sean's wife, wherever she was. Well, that daily prayer must be why Sean didn't turn out gay or anything, so nice job, Sean's parents! Then Lindsay -- who might want to at least sit up straight in her chair -- asks him if she can have Sean's hand in marriage, and the very idea of a woman asking such a question cracks them both right up.

And now Lindsay is talking to Sean's mom about how crazy it is that Sean wants the same things she does. "And then, honestly, on our first date, it felt like our fifth date," she says, which is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. Oh, it felt like you'd had four dates? It must be love! And don't worry, Mom: She and Sean like to be goofy, but when it's time to be serious, they can be serious. Exactly what have you two had to be serious about? Money problems? Stress at work? Kids keeping you up all night? Lindsay also assures Mom she and Sean plan to live apart until they get married. Well, that will be never, so don't sweat it, Lindsay.

Then Sean's dad awesomely says, "Shall we vote?" with Lindsay right there in the room, which I hope doesn't ruin Lindsay and Sean's attempts to seem like a normal relationship or anything.

Now Sean sits down with his family so they can help him with his "dilemma," and can I just point out that a "dilemma" is traditionally a choice between undesirable options. Sean's mom tells us her biggest worry is that Sean isn't completely serious before Sean proposes. She tells him as much, that it has to be completely right, or he doesn't have to propose to either one of them. Sean looks pissed at his mom's foolish attempts to use her brain, and pissily says that she's only seen "twenty minutes" of his FUTURE WIVES. Sure, she hasn't had a whole month like Sean had to get to know them! Then he pissily tells her that he wants her opinion, but more than anything he just wants her support. JESUS, what a dick. Hey, Sean, honor thy father and thy mother and all that. His mom keeps smiling, even though she says he's making her cry. He wants to know why. You mean, apart from you being a massive ass to her?

They go for a private walk. You know, with clip on microphones and a camera crew following them. She tells him it's hard for her to see how he can make a decision like this in three days. "I wouldn't be here if it was going to end badly," he tells her. I guess Mom didn't get the ending with her script like Sean did. "I'm going to do what's best for me," he tells her. Sean sees his family off, while he talks about how disappointed he is that his family couldn't help him with his decision. "My mom believes that if I'm in love with both women, I shouldn't propose to either of them," he says, apparently thinking we'll agree with him that that's crazy talk.

Back to the live show for a moment, where Harrison reminds us of the "late-breaking" news again, something to do with Sean's status that they just learned in the last twenty-four hours -- whatever it is, I'm sure it'll live up to the hype! -- and then it's back to Thailand.

By Daniel

Sean tells us again how stressed he is, and mentions his "dilemma" again, and how his mom is a total bitch for pointing out that one traditionally marries someone when they're not, you know, ALSO HORNY FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Then he says "clarity" again.

It's time for another date/audition with Lindsay, who is "blessed" and "so confident about Sean and I" and she wants to show Sean how much she wants to be with him. So ... oral, right? I mean, at the very least.

They go on a boat or whatever, and Sean lets her know that his family loves her. "I can't believe this is our last date," she says. Well -- not if you get married, you twit. They reminisce about all the weeks they've known each other. "It seems like we've known each other for years now," he says. True story: I did know my wife for years before we got married!

Lindsay talks like a goddamn teenager with a crush on the high school quarterback, and asks him what he thinks they'll look like when they're old. Sean figures he'll be "friggin' handsome." As for Lindsay: "I can picture you being a hot old chick," he says, and this ultra-romantic line that hearkens back to classic Hollywood love stories is such a relief to Lindsay that she tells him she loves him. He does not reciprocate. Because "I know" does NOT count. Then they make out for a while, at least until Sean has to go home before curfew.

No, wait, now it's later and they're back at the resort and she is getting wine ready and she's got her hair done and is wearing a dress and he shows up in a T-shirt. She depressingly tells us that she either goes home with "everything" or "nothing," which is maybe the saddest thing said yet tonight, and then they make out for a while, and Sean tells her that she turned out to be more than just "crazy fun." He, she tells him, is everything she ever pictured in a husband. Did you picture your husband having a girlfriend on the side? Lindsay says Sean's kisses tell her everything, and that's how he expresses himself, which is a convenient way for her to explain away the fact he doesn't say "I love you" to her when she says it to him.

< p>Then they do this Thailand thing where they write their wishes on lanterns that they send floating away on the water, and they write "Happiness" and "Hope Lindsay doesn't become a totally unfuckable beast when she gets old" and they kiss a little more. And I can think of something else it might mean on The Bachelor with these two watching their wishes float away from them, but it's kinda obvious.

By Daniel

And now it's Catherine because he's also fallen in love with her, don't forget. "Today I'm searching for a sign, and I hope I find it." Anyway, Catherine shows up, and they just HAPPEN to have a conversation about how Catherine touched an elephant and Sean pretends not to know there are elephants around, and I guess that's his supposed goofy sense of humor coming into play: totally pretending not to know there are elephants around! It turns out they'll be riding an elephant today, which is a nice change from orgasms over helicopter rides, and they ride up a hill where Catherine gushes about the 360-degree view of Thailand, and how she's never seen a better view. "I've seen a better view than this," Sean says, and you think it's going to add, "I'm looking at it" while he stares at Catherine, but he doesn't actually follow that up, so maybe he was actually just being a dick and denigrating Catherine's opinion that this is the best view she's ever seen. And then they babble on at each other about the future, and Catherine says she's gotta tell him exactly how she feels.

So it's back to the resort, which is exactly like the date with Lindsay, where she looks fantastic and he looks like she's lucky he found a clean T-shirt on the laundry pile. They pop some champagne. "Tonight was awesome. No lie. One of the coolest days of my life. Seriously,' says Sean, who can't ever not sound like some dude wanting to toss the football around. And that's about the extent of what he has to offer, so it's her turn to babble about her feelings and how his family blew her mind and he tells her she's incredible, but if he thinks she'll be a hot old chick, he hasn't said so. "I honestly can't see any other way it going down than me accepting your proposal. I couldn't not see that happening," says Catherine, which eventually makes sense once you parse it. Then they kiss. Sean, who signed up to be The Bachelor, remember, apparently never thought he'd be in a position where he'd have to choose between two women. Does Sean think everyone else is as dumb as he is? They kiss at the door, and Catherine seems to think that telling Sean she loves him is a "big risk" for her, when obviously on this show, it's a bigger risk for her not to. So they stand at the door, his hand on her ass, and she whispers, "Sean, I love you," and he says, "Thank you for today." She tells us when she told him that, she looked at him for a glimmer of reciprocation, but there was nothing.

So she tearfully chases after him so they can cuddle a little more and he can reassure her by saying "We had fun today, right?" She calls it one of the most horrible goodbyes she's ever had. "I feel like [bleep], to be honest," she tells us. Look, you're the one trying to sell the fantasy to us, lady. It's not like we think this is the way to find a partner. She flops on her bed and cries (camera taking in her non-makeup-streaked face).

Back to the love show, Harrison picks some dullard out of the audience to ask her if it would be frustrating to say "I love you" and get "thank you for today," in response, and neglects to mention that the Bachelor and Bachelorette are obviously always told NOT to say that to any of the remaining contestants, so as not to give anything anyway. Oh, and also this audience meatsack thinks Sean might ask Catherine to marry him, or it might be Lindsay! Well, at least she's displaying a passable amount of short-term memory!

So Sean rubs his best depilatory cream all over his torso in preparation for all the thinking he has to do to help pad out this night's unconscionable three-hour run time. But surprise surprise, he has decided he's made up his mind, and there's one woman he can't live without. Well, his love for the other withered quickly, didn't it?

Then it's time to pick out the ring -- which zips by quicker than I remember from seasons -- and to get dressed. He's so excited to start a life together with the successful applicant!

Meanwhile, the women are getting ready, with Catherine in particular full of angst over what's going to happen today. Apart from her smoldering on screen like a James Bond love interest, that is. She's in gold, and Lindsay -- who looks nice too -- is in silver.

Back to the studio, where Harrison again asks for applause from Lindsay fans and Catherine fans, and Catherine gets more applause. Then he introduces Lesley, Sarah, AshLee and Jackie. He asks Lesley who she thinks Sean will choose. She picks Catherine. "She's so intelligent and independent, as is he," she says. Well, we're running out of time to see evidence of either. She also references how wacky those two kids are with that time they ran through multiplication tables. Then Harrison asks Sarah, and then busts on her for straddling the fence on it. AshLee tells us at the end of the day "it's where his heart lies." Well, thanks for coming out, AshLee. Pressed by Harrison, she picks Lindsay. Jackie calls it a tossup, and Harrison asks her who she thinks this letter -- teased endlessly by ABC -- is from. She says she doesn't know, but theorizes it might be his mom, giving him his last warning. Then Jackie -- who went on a show to compete with other women for one man's attention -- talks about how hard it is to see the man paying attention to other women.

By Daniel

Anyway, following another commercial break, Harrison tells us it's finally time to find out whether Sean proposes to Catherine, Lindsay or no one, and we go to the waterside Proposal Point, where Sean, despite having chosen one woman, seems more concerned about telling the other one goodbye, especially as he doesn't have a good reason. Well, "I love someone else" would normally be accurate, but this is The Bachelor which is a million miles from what love is all about.

Lindsay arrives in an SUV, with Harrison greeting her and walking her to the sacrificial altar, while we listen to her talk about how calm AND excited she is, because today's the day she gets engaged. Harrison escorts her to a bridge that leads through some more trees towards Harrison. And now Lindsay is telling us that her time here has made her a "strong, independent woman," an assertion that's proven completely false when she follows that up by saying if Sean doesn't propose she'll be totally shattered.

She arrives at the guillotine, with Sean greeting her and talking about how he didn't the depths he would find in their relationship. "Every time I'm with you, I'm so amazed," he says, at her strength, generosity, etc. "You blow me away, you really do." Then he breathes heavily for a while, and Lindsay frowns a little, until he finally says this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. "I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart's leading me somewhere else," he says. She pulls her hands away from his as he says he's been so confused and "searching for clarity and praying for clarity," and he thinks he finally got it. "I have to say goodbye to you," he says. She nods, instead of kicking him in the nuts when he tells her the hardest part is that he knows he loves her. "I'm sorry," he says. She tells him it's OK, and basically wants him to shut up, but ONCE AGAIN, Sean's insistence that the woman he's dumping knows how hard this is FOR HIM overrides what she wants.

Harrison walks her the rest of the way, while Sean does his best to appear broken up about it, and his mom isn't there to tell him that if you truly have feelings that strong for someone, you are not at all ready to propose to someone ELSE.

And now Lindsay is whining in the car about how not fair this is, and how could he do this to her, etc., and she keeps ratcheting up her pitch to a frequency that humans can't actually hear. "I just want to grow old with somebody, and have a family, and I thought I had it, and now somebody else does," she whines. "I don't want to be alone," she says. Yeah, you know you're twenty-four, right, Lindsay? You have some time.

Harrison comes out to Proposal Point to briefly commiserate on how rough it was ON SEAN, and he gives Sean the mythic letter, which is from Catherine. There are shots of the studio audience laughing for some reason, even though we don't know what this letter says. And you can tell it's live because Harrison remarks on what a brutal breakup it was for Catherine, but in fairness to him I am constantly typing the wrong name when I do these recaps, although I guess in my defense it's late so I'm tired and angry and drunk. Anyway, the audience loved it when she took off her heels. "Let's hear it for Lindsay!" he says. Well, I'm sure she's cheered by the tepid applause.

Following yet another commercial break, it's time to find out what's up with the letter from Catherine. He reads it out loud and -- in a complete non-surprise -- it's not a breakup letter but a letter detailing what an awesome "man of God" Sean is and how they'll build a wonderful life together and that sort of thing. "I will love you forever if you let me. You have my heart. Always. Catherine." Noticeably absent from this version of Sean receiving the letter is him looking distraught and wondering, "How could she do this to me." Weird, I can't believe the show misled us like this!

Chris Harrison takes Catherine part of the way, and then she totters her way on over to Sean, who -- miracle of miracles! -- has managed to shake off the trauma of dumping Lindsay. He tells Catherine that she never ceases to amaze him, and he misses her every time they have to say goodbye. "I won't say goodbye anymore," he says. "Catherine, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you I love you and making you feel like the most special, beautiful woman in the world," he adds, and then gets down on one knee, shows her the ring and says, "Will you marry me?" She says yes immediately, and then he gets up and they embrace. "I love you so much," he says, and she can't believe this is real, which is a sentiment shared by roughly ninety-five per cent of the audience. She keeps telling him how handsome he looks. Oh, and then he gives her the final rose, which gets my eyes rolling, which continues as Catherine babbles about how grateful she is to have met him.

By Daniel

And then they have an elephant ride off into the sunset and out of our lives forever! I ... what? Oh, shit -- "After the Final Rose," of course. Goddammit. One more hour to go. "This is coolest day of my life!" is Catherine's final proclamation on the subject, sounding a little more like a teenager who just got tickets for a concert by her favorite band.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If you know what the headline for this recap means without Googling it, you can be his friend. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.

Bachelor TV Show - It Seems Like There&#39;s A Hole In My Dreams - Bachelor Photos &amp; Videos, Bachelor Reviews &amp; Bachelor Recaps | TWoP

Bachelor TV Show - It Seems Like There's A Hole In My Dreams - Bachelor Photos & Videos, Bachelor Reviews & Bachelor Recaps | TWoP