By Daniel
Chris Harrison is greeted warmly by an audience of drunk hate-watchers, which is the only reason I think is acceptable to actually be in the audience. He warms up the crowd by asking for their thoughts on whether this is the best Bachelor season ever (Answer: WOOOO!), on Sean (Answer: WOOOO!) and Sean with his shirt off (Answer: WOOOO!). Also, there is mention of Tierra (Booooo! We hate her!) and Bachelor Nation (Yes! We are awesome!).
There then follows a strange segment in which Chris Harrison and Sean show up at Bachelor viewing parties (again: only drunk and/or hatewatching is OK), and Chris pretends to be humbled by how invested people are and how much they are "rooting" for him, when what he actually means is that he gets off on it big time.
Then they go to a sorority house, where they are immediately shushed and told to be quiet, and then he's led into a large television room to surprise the entire Delta Gamma crew, who screech and lose their minds. "Are they really screaming because I'm here?" Sean asks us. He pretends to have a mild existential crisis over whether the people on television actually know him, but by the time he takes his shirt off for the screaming women and their cellphone cameras, he appears to have stopped worrying about it.
When that interminable segment is done (Harrison promises to do that during the Bachelorette season, so stay fuckin' tuned, America), Harrison welcomes back all the women -- contractually obligated to be there, I am convinced. And MAN, not even Harrison could have predicted all the fireworks that could have resulted when you throw together a couple of dozen emotionally unstable train wrecks with daddy issues and copious amounts of alcohol. But let's watch the lowlights!
The picture-in-picture lets us watch the women enjoy a time when they were all young and naïve and not subject to a rigorous daily regime of antibiotics. There's the drunk Fifty Shades woman, and lots and lots of Tierra (who, for obvious reasons, isn't seated with the rest of the rejects).
After the montage, Harrison asks "Des" if she anticipated all the drama. Desiree says she didn't, and Harrison spot-on suggests she's never seen the show, then. For the most part, he says, they got on really well, and wonders if it's because they had a common enemy. He means Tierra, not common sense, in case you're wondering. Selma talks about how they all encouraged her to "hide the crazy," and we revisit the "Tierra is weird and doesn't respond to basic human interaction" thing again.
Harrison asks AshLee if she knew Tierra would be so pissed during their confrontation (she didn't think Tierra would have the guts to talk back, apparently), and Lesley makes a joke about how Tierra's sparkle didn't sparkle that big, whatever that means. Probably should have worked on your line a bit more, Lesley.
The general consensus is that Tierra was a big ol' faker, and Brooke (remember her? Me neither) offers the non-interesting "y'all are just jealous you didn't pull that shit" theory, and is roundly booed and burned at the stake.
Harrison asks the women if any of them think Tierra ruined their own chances at love with Sean. Robyn (remember her? Me neither) thinks she focused so much on Tierra that she didn't -- I don't know, make Sean love her more? Whatever her explanation is, I'm not sure it can really be laid at Tierra's feet.
There seems to be a little bit of live-television confusion coming back from commercial -- because this is only Season 17, after all, so they're still working out the kinks -- and then Harrison urges everyone not to stone Tierra when she comes out. There is some applause from the audience, but that quickly dies down, and it's deathly quiet in the studio after she walks out.
She sits down with Harrison, who asks if Tierra ever thought she'd be "that girl" that everyone talks about in this way, and Tierra says "yes and no" because of how she walks into a room she brings "this joy and this smile" but when people immediately judge her and don't let her have that light and be open and show her personality, she's judged on her looks instead of her "inner person." She makes not a LICK of sense, and Sean asks if she's nervous. She is, and Tierra says she never thought she'd be in the "hot seat" as if this isn't the biggest softball interview Tierra could ever do.
Her revisionist history has her wishing she could have thrown away the first-impression rose, because it put a target on her back. You know, instead of treating it like it was her due. Harrison gently points out that it's not like every woman who gets the first-impression rose winds up hated. Tierra says it's because the other women thought she didn't want to be friends with them, a defense that doesn't seem so strong when she admits that she didn't want to be friends with them.
Harrison: If not actually friends, why not be, you know, friendly? Tierra says not everybody could be that way, and there were a handful of girls who were rude to her. Harrison asks if she felt she was in a group of "mean girls" and Tierra says every woman on the show talked about other women. Except for her, of course, who never mentioned anyone by name or called her a "b-i-t-c-h." She's so sweet, she can't even swear!
By Daniel
Harrison: If not actually friends, why not be, you know, friendly? Tierra says not everybody could be that way, and there were a handful of girls who were rude to her. Harrison asks if she felt she was in a group of "mean girls" and Tierra says every woman on the show talked about other women. Except for her, of course, who never mentioned anyone by name or called her a "b-i-t-c-h." She's so sweet, she can't even swear!
Harrison asks if there's anything she regrets or wants to apologize for, and Tierra pretends to think about it before -- huge surprise -- saying no, and there's an audible gasp in the studio, as if she just happened to casually mention that she once murdered a hobo.
Back from commercial a second time, and it's clear that these aren't technical difficulties the show is experiencing, but a deliberate attempt to appear live and non-scripted. Anyway, now it's time to throw the raw meat to the rejected contestants, among them Robyn (who calls Tierra "delusional") and Selma (who tells her there came a point where Tierra's rudeness just got to be too much for her). Tierra "honestly can't tell you" all the times she didn't say "good morning" to people who said it to her first. Selma and Desiree tell her Tierra's problem is that from the get-go she assumed that the other women were talking about her. Tierra might not remember being completely rude to everyone, but she remembers the one time she helped Leslie pick out a dress. So there's that. Brooke, who previously told the other women they were jealous of Tierra's strategy, now tells Tierra that it wasn't the other women at all but her,
It's kind of hilarious how calm the other women are in detailing Tierra's many, many transgressions. They have the calmness of those who know they're on the side of truth and angels and that history will judge them accordingly (with history presumably overlooking them agreeing to go on The Bachelor in the first place), while Tierra seems to think that if she just keeps saying "I was friendly," then people will forget that they have eyes and ears and, you know, memories.
And we're back for another segment, and I can't say I'm surprised that we're spending this much time with Tierra, but that's not the same as saying I'm not disappointed. We revisit the confrontation in St. Croix with AshLee -- Tierra calls AshLee a liar over some nitpicky thing, and AshLee is basically, "Hey, watch the show," and then Tierra says she didn't call AshLee a liar. And then claims that AshLee (by herself) ganged up on her, despite Tierra being the one who confronted her. Even Harrison looks exhausted by this, and he asks Lesley if AshLee was being a bully. Lesley says AshLee was tough, but somebody had to be. Smattering of applause.
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Judging from the reaction shots we see, none of the women are particularly forthcoming with acceptance of that apology.
Are we done with Tierra yet? Oh, that's right WE HAVE TWO HOURS TO FILL. We're down to asking Tierra about controlling her eyebrow. "Who cares about my eyebrow?" asks Tierra, who is nevertheless quite happy to tell us her eyebrow has its own Twitter account. As for the sparkle thing? Hey, that's just something her dad told her when she was Little Miss Nevada, so there's no reason why it should be the fuel for anyone's fire. Sure! I mean, I used to praise my daughter when she'd successfully go on the potty, but I hope she'll have a higher standard for herself when SHE'S IN HER TWENTIES.
And then Harrison points out the huge rock on her finger, which almost covers up her weird ballsack tattoo on her finger. "How did this happen?" Harrison asks, pausing briefly before adding,"...so quickly?" No one's super-impressed by Tierra's explanation that it was someone she was seeing before The Bachelor and they rekindled things afterwards. Then she is weirdly cagey when Harrison asks when she actually got engaged, and she finally admits it happened in January. As for the rumors that it's a hoax? "What haven't I heard about Tierra?" says TIERRA. How often do you think Tierra Googles her own name? Gotta be every five minutes at least, right? Then she says she's got a good man and that's all that matters. If any audience is wedding-starved, it's The Bachelor's, and no one looks happy for her.
Tierra is finally gone, back off to obscurity, so it's time for everyone to condescendingly fawn over Sarah and how she captured everyone's hearts or whatever. We get a montage -- remember when Sean made her feel that she could everything she wants? Remember when he respected her so much that he dumped her early instead of letting her stay to the rose ceremony? Sarah looks rather uncomfortable watching the dumping over and over again, at least until we mercifully have the picture-in-picture pulled off, because her eyes are welling up again.
She says it was hard to watch, and then natters on about how Sean saw her in a more vulnerable state than she's ever been in, and talked about things she never even talked about with her best friend. She thought he "could have been" the one. Her whole life, she says, she's been strung along by guys who eventually dump her by telling her "You're great, but it's just not meant to be," and she acknowledges that a lot of women can relate to that. In her case, she tries not to let herself feel that it's because she's got only one arm, and eventually Harrison patronizingly sends her off by telling her everyone is the better for having gotten to know her. Well, that explains why we spent three segments with Tierra and just one with Sarah, right?
By Daniel
Tierra is finally gone, back off to obscurity, so it's time for everyone to condescendingly fawn over Sarah and how she captured everyone's hearts or whatever. We get a montage -- remember when Sean made her feel that she could everything she wants? Remember when he respected her so much that he dumped her early instead of letting her stay to the rose ceremony? Sarah looks rather uncomfortable watching the dumping over and over again, at least until we mercifully have the picture-in-picture pulled off, because her eyes are welling up again.
She says it was hard to watch, and then natters on about how Sean saw her in a more vulnerable state than she's ever been in, and talked about things she never even talked about with her best friend. She thought he "could have been" the one. Her whole life, she says, she's been strung along by guys who eventually dump her by telling her "You're great, but it's just not meant to be," and she acknowledges that a lot of women can relate to that. In her case, she tries not to let herself feel that it's because she's got only one arm, and eventually Harrison patronizingly sends her off by telling her everyone is the better for having gotten to know her. Well, that explains why we spent three segments with Tierra and just one with Sarah, right?
After a commercial break, it's time for Desiree to get in the hot seat, because America hasn't totally forgotten who she is or anything! The montage is only notable in that we watch Desiree get out of the limo and tell Sean, "My name is Desiree, but you can call me 'Des.'" Did we see that on the first episode? Have we (I) been busting on Sean for calling her "Des" for no good reason? Eh, I can live with that. Oh, and of course there's her brother, who is scandalous for some reason for calling the guy who has dated as many as two-dozen women at once a "playboy."
Like Sarah, Desiree seems to be feeling things all over again after watching her dumping. She confesses to thinking she and Sean had a chemistry the other women couldn't surpass, what with her embodying the characteristics he wants in a wife. Being honest, Desiree: Do those characteristics include anything other than "pretty" and "nice rack"? Like, I believe Sean keeps a list in his wallet of what he's looking for, and those are the only two things on it.
Then Harrison is like "blah blah blah" and Desiree is like "blah blah blah blah blah," and then they talk about Desiree's brother's confrontation with Sean, and Harrison asks if that sabotaged the relationship. She says it did, and certainly didn't help. "If my brother had never been there, would things have been different?" she asks, and to me the follow-up is, "But if Sean really liked you, should that have affected things?" And then Harrison is like "blah blah blah" and Desiree is like "blah blah blah blah blah" some more and then it is commercial time, with Harrison telling her she's very beloved, which -- if I were I betting man -- makes me think she'll be the Bachelorette.
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Anyway, it's now time for Sean, who should -- if there were any kind of sense of justice in the audience -- get the same tepid reaction that Tierra got. He tells Harrison he couldn't wait to get out there, since he has nothing but fond memories of each of the women there. Remember, he DUMPED ALL OF THEM. He's barely on stage five seconds before the self-absorption and dickishness come right to the surface! Several of the women -- Desiree and Sarah, for example -- are in fact smiling a little bit more than you'd think they were.
Harrison alludes to Sean saying AshLee "robbed" him of his opportunity to speak, which is, clearly, a load of bullshit. I mean, REALLY. She let him speak, and he babbled like an ass. The only thing she robbed him of was his feeling entitled to be let off the hook for acting like a dick (although he apparently has that back).
So AshLee asks him, "What happened? I don't get it." After he starts to babble out a bunch of platitudes about how great she is, Harrison just makes her come back to the middle of the stage, where Sean continues his "It's all about me" parade, telling her things like "my fear when you left is that you would leave without closure" and reminding her how stressful it was on him to break her heart. "From Day 1, you were my frontrunner," says Sean, who then goes on to explain that there were times when he "couldn't find that laughter" with AshLee. "It killed me to say goodbye to you," he says, and it hurt him even more when she left the way she did.
I can't. I just can't. He is chastising her for not responding to being dumped in a way that made him feel as least bad about as possible. Then he starts talking about EMILY, for god's sake, and how deceived he felt by her, and then seems to justify leading AshLee on because Emily led him on. AshLee expresses the not-unreasonable opinion that if anything, Sean's experience should have made him realize he shouldn't pull that shit on someone else. She does also keep calling him a "gentleman," so let's not put too much stock in what she thinks, all right? Apparently she came back to the resort and Sean didn't check on her, which is bad because he's a gentleman and also the man is supposed to check on the woman? Or she thought he'd check on her back in Texas? Or something? Hilarious "whaaaaat?" face on an audience member.
She says he told her some things that made her think she was the one, and Sean says he thought so too, and she can't understand how this works unless she's in the position he's in. She asks him how he could say he had "absolutely no feelings" for the other two women. Murmurs in the audience. Sean says he didn't say it, and she says he did, twice. "I promise I didn't say that," he says. AshLee is hilariously all, "Sean, come on," and says she's not making it up. Room is quiet enough to hear someone cough awkwardly in the background. Sean and AshLee stare at each other for a moment, and eventually Harrison has to step in and throw to commercial, and over the applause we can hear Sean say, "I don't know what you're talking about. Honestly." Hey, I wasn't sure I believed him, but since he appended that "Honestly"? Now, I know he's being honest! He even said so!
By Daniel
So AshLee asks him, "What happened? I don't get it." After he starts to babble out a bunch of platitudes about how great she is, Harrison just makes her come back to the middle of the stage, where Sean continues his "It's all about me" parade, telling her things like "my fear when you left is that you would leave without closure" and reminding her how stressful it was on him to break her heart. "From Day 1, you were my frontrunner," says Sean, who then goes on to explain that there were times when he "couldn't find that laughter" with AshLee. "It killed me to say goodbye to you," he says, and it hurt him even more when she left the way she did.
I can't. I just can't. He is chastising her for not responding to being dumped in a way that made him feel as least bad about as possible. Then he starts talking about EMILY, for god's sake, and how deceived he felt by her, and then seems to justify leading AshLee on because Emily led him on. AshLee expresses the not-unreasonable opinion that if anything, Sean's experience should have made him realize he shouldn't pull that shit on someone else. She does also keep calling him a "gentleman," so let's not put too much stock in what she thinks, all right? Apparently she came back to the resort and Sean didn't check on her, which is bad because he's a gentleman and also the man is supposed to check on the woman? Or she thought he'd check on her back in Texas? Or something? Hilarious "whaaaaat?" face on an audience member.
She says he told her some things that made her think she was the one, and Sean says he thought so too, and she can't understand how this works unless she's in the position he's in. She asks him how he could say he had "absolutely no feelings" for the other two women. Murmurs in the audience. Sean says he didn't say it, and she says he did, twice. "I promise I didn't say that," he says. AshLee is hilariously all, "Sean, come on," and says she's not making it up. Room is quiet enough to hear someone cough awkwardly in the background. Sean and AshLee stare at each other for a moment, and eventually Harrison has to step in and throw to commercial, and over the applause we can hear Sean say, "I don't know what you're talking about. Honestly." Hey, I wasn't sure I believed him, but since he appended that "Honestly"? Now, I know he's being honest! He even said so!
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By Daniel
And now here's where we truly understand why the show seems to be coming back from commercial a little too early: It's so that it wouldn't seem so jarring when they let us listen in to Sean and AshLee continuing to discuss whether he did or didn't say it, AshLee giving him an "at best you don't remember, because you did it." Sean keeps saying he didn't, and wouldn't, and that he hates AshLee thinking that he's the type of guy who would do something like that. Here's how much I would care if a woman I broke up with erroneously thought I said something I didn't: zero.
Anyway, it's time for the show to REALLY start back up again, so AshLee returns to her seat with the other rejects, and Harrison who tells Sean it clearly looked like he didn't see that coming, and asks him what was said. Sean says he certainly didn't say he doesn't have feelings for the other two women, but he clearly said something that misled AshLee, and if he did, he's sorry.
And now he is talking about how everybody loves Desiree and he took a beating in "the social media world" when he sent her home, and everyone laughs and jokes about her brother, and then he says he made the right decision, though, and Desiree seems to agree, and I can only imagine her perspective has been helped somewhat by watching him on the show over the past few weeks.
And now it's blooper time. Well, bloopers plus a couple of staged bits with Harrison and Sean, so the less said about them the better, and now Sean keeps talking about how he's been blessed with a great group of women, and blessed to have met them.
And now it's a "special look" at the remaining two women, which means, as usual for this point in the season, endless clips from episodes, so I'm out. But I can't help but notice that Harrison didn't bother asking the usual "So, are you engaged to/dating/etc. now?" of Sean, which I can't imagine bodes too well for the ending of the season. So, business as usual, I guess.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He now lies awake at night worrying he has called his daughter "princess" too many times for her to not turn into an insane reality-show star. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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