Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are beginning our initial descent into the most shocking, stunning, and startling season finale of The Bachelor ever. Or at least that's what we're hearing from the flight deck. Not only is this the season finale, but this is also the final leg of Jake's amazing journey to true love and holy matrimony. Please fasten your seat belt, stow your personal items along with your dignity, adjust your tray tables and put your seat backs in the upright and locked position. We will be arriving at either Tenley or Vienna within the two hours.
It's morning in St. Lucia and Jake is walking a lonely path down the beach, pretending that this is how he spends every morning he isn't in a cockpit or a security clearance line at the airport. He is in Love. It just happens to be with two people. So it is Love's fault that this decision is so difficult. He loves Tenley. He loves Vienna. He really loves St. Lucia. He wants a wife. He wants someone he can "lay down his life for". I don't really know what that means. I've been married for five years and that phrase has never once been uttered. I'll be talking to my husband about that. Jake can't decide between these two women. He loves them and their flashbacks equally. Time to call in the big guns, namely: The Family. He has been faced with a lot of "lonely moments" during this journey and that has been tough for him. Also, I'm guessing, lonely. Aw, crap now I have this song stuck in my head. And now you do too. Jake is "really proud" that his family took the time to help him find love, which strikes me as an odd thing to be proud of. Grateful that your family is as publicity hungry as you are, maybe, but proud? Really keen on a free vacation to St. Lucia, but proud? Jake's parents understand why he came on a national television show to find love, which is good, because most parents probably wouldn't get it. At all. But if you raise your kid and instill your values in him as best you can and what not and he ends up on The Bachelor, well I'm guessing you are either proud or wishing you had named him Alex P. Keaton. Jake tells his family that he is in love with two girls and he could marry either of them and be happy for the rest of his life. The family is all blonde and clean cut but the weirdest thing about them is that Jake's sister-in-law looks like someone you might actually want to hang out with, which is sort of unexpected. He explains that he has fallen in love with Vienna and Tenley "so deeply" but he needs a second set of eyes. They both laugh at his jokes. Everyone is really impressed with that one. He and Tenley have a deep spiritual connection while Vienna is apparently "really smart" and "didn't come there to make friends". Jake's mom stops him to ask if Tenley was the girl that everyone hated. He admits that she was. Jake's mom cautions him that frequently there is something behind that and suddenly I am LOVING Jake's mom. He knows that they are going to love Tenley, but he WANTS them to love Vienna. He may have fucked that up already by admitting that everyone hates Vienna. Um, yeah, probably not the best decision to make that the ONLY thing you tell your family about her is that she isn't very likable. But whatevs.
Tenley is the first to face off against the family. She brings a large bouquet of flowers and wisely wipes her teeth off with her tongue as she approaches the front door. NATIONAL TELEVISION, WOMAN. Tenley is wearing a hot pink sundress for family-meeting purposes and tells us that she hopes she is a match with this family because it is "very important." She walks in front of the firing squad, frenches Jake and then meets the entire family even though she was just expecting to meet his parents. SURPRISE! Jake is definitely the looker in his family and you can see the hatred simmering in his brother's eyes. The sassy sister-in-law wants to know how Tenley knows she actually loves Jake, which is a question that even after the aforementioned five years of marriage, is not something I would want to answer in front of my in laws. Tenley obviously says "values" because if you didn't know, that's what she is all about. She also mentions that she wanted to know about how Jake would "pursue his wife", and then congratulates his father on his pursuit and reaches out and actually TOUCHES HIS ARM. He freezes until she removes the offending appendage and then he blushes because OH MY GOD DON'T TOUCH ME, HUSSY and then he starts TO CRY. She knows she can "trust her heart with Jake". Then Jake explains that his family is very emotional, in case Tenley thought his dad just had allergies or something. Jake then acts like this is all TOTALLY NORMAL and that making his dad cry upon first meeting is a GOOD THING. Then in a completely staged tete-a-tete between mother and potential future daughter-in-law out on the porch, Jake's mom has some questions, but she doesn't want to be rude by asking them. Woman, please, just ask the damn questions. She wants to know how Tenley would handle conflict with her sister-wives, because she has been watching a lot of Big Love and is very concerned with familial peace and wants her daughters-in-law to get along because once she and her husband are dead it is really up to the women to hold the family together because men just aren't capable of such emotional commitment as, like, calling each other on the phone. Bringing up her own seemingly imminent mortality may be a new one for a Bachelor mom. Tenley tells her that she was married (oh shit, really? does Jake know?) and that she totally handled that conflict, like, really well. Somehow this makes Jake's mom cry and then Tenley adds that she could really be a part of this family and this poor crying woman could really be her mother-in-law. Did she mention that Jake was beautiful? Jake's mom says that Tenley "touched her" and, really now, Ms. Handsy, do we need to register you as a sex offender? Jake's mom would love to have her as a part of the family. Outside Jake is laughing with his family while everyone extols Tenley's myriad virtues. Then Tenley has to go talk to Jake's dad. She claims she can already tell she is going to love Jake's dad, but before it gets to Jerry Springer, she adds that it's important that he be able to see her as a daughter. Tenley "adores how [Jake] adores his parents" and she loves that Jake, being male, can talk about his parents' marriage. She starts tearing up talking about how much she wants to be part of the family. Jake's dad thinks she's an "incredible girl" but I'm not really sure on what he is basing this assessment. Outside Jake tells his family that he will ask one of the girls to marry him. He just doesn't know which one yet. Meanwhile, Tenley is making sure Jake's dad knows that she was married before and that her in laws did not think she was an "incredible girl". Maybe she didn't touch them enough. She is "looking for another family to take her in" and way to make yourself sound like a stray dog there, Tenley. When Tenley brings up wanting "loving grandparents" for her kids, Jake's dad hugs her. Again. Maybe Jake should come on back there, soon. Inside, Jake's mom tells him that she had "no red flags" about Tenley and Jake's dad can see her fitting in really well. He adds that he knows he met his "future daughter-in-law today" but they way it is edited is HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. Jake then blurts, "She needs to know that if she stands on the edge of a pool, I'm going to push her in." Which is either an awkward analogy for falling in love or a reference to making Tenley walk the plank. Jake's mom warns him to tell her that he likes to rough house and get goofy. She blames his brothers for this, but they appear to have turned out alright. Jake and Tenley take a moment to make out and then he makes her jump in the pool with him fully clothed. If she does not do this with him she will never get her hands on that princess cut ring. So they jump in and make out and then both of Jake's brothers jump in and Tenley is cackling hysterically because what else do you do when potential future in laws catch you making out in the pool and then JUMP IN AND JOIN YOU. There's some wet group hug action going between Tenley and all THREE boys when the wives arrive to break that shit up. Everyone talks about how perfect Tenley is for Jake and how blessed they would be to have her in the family. Vienna, whoever she is, had better be pretty fucking spectacular to beat out Miss Disney Princess over there.
The day dawns on Vienna, who shows up with a fruit basket and at a serious disadvantage. Jake tells her to just be
herself, but does not tell her that he already told his whole family that everyone hates her. Vienna claims to be nervous, but Jake really just wants her to go in there and "be the Vienna [he] fell in love with." As opposed to Vienna, Austria or Vienna, Virginia. Vienna meets the parents and they politely ask where she's from and Vienna just seems really young and awkward. One of the sisters-in-law asks if Vienna has traveled anywhere, and she hasn't "yet", but that will all change when she's married to a pilot. But, then she remembers that she went on an RV trip with Jake and a "whole bunch of girls". Her facial expression at the mention of the other "ladies" is the perfect segue to the family asking about "the drama". No one seems very impressed with her and instead seem hyperly aware that she does not play well with others. While this may be a completely accurate impression, it is also TOTALLY JAKE'S FAULT. I mean, way to fabricate an underdog. Cut to a family dinner where once again one of the sisters-in-law asks whether she got along with the other women in the house. Vienna doesn't even bother answering, but just makes a pointed silence. When pressed, she claims it is just her "brutal honesty" that makes the girls not like her. Not her "complete bitchiness" or "hostile stupidity." The other sister-in-law tells us that Vienna pretty much has no hope of comparing to magical Tenley. Neither of Jake's brothers have said a word on camera, which is probably wise, but odd, too. During lunch, Jake's mom is completely silent and is just short of outright glaring at Vienna. She pulls Jake aside to find out what exactly he sees in this bitch. She's worried that if Vienna couldn't get along with the other girls in the house, that she wouldn't be able to get along with her sister-wives or eventually, Jake. She is seeing more red flags than a bull in Spain. Jake is a little defensive about this, partially due to his initial fuck up and Jake is sort of bummed. Jake finally talks to his brothers who think that her "brutal honesty" is an "immature defense mechanism," which makes me think Jake's talking brother is very wise. The other brother still hasn't said anything, which also makes me think he is very wise. I mean, if you HAVE to go on this insipid show, wouldn't you want to keep your mouth shut? Jake thinks he is trying to talk people into liking Vienna. Jake's sisters-in-law have Vienna on the porch and are trying to figure out what the heck Jake sees in her. Vienna doesn't understand what he sees in Tenley, because SHE brings out his sense of humor and teases him and stuff. What does Tenley do? Like talk to him about values or something? The sisters-in-law then return to their favorite subject: Girls. Vienna claims she has girlfriends, just not in the Bachelor house or really at home. Vienna claims Jake is in love with her and not with Tenley and one of the sisters-in-law points out that she could be in for a BIG disappointment. Vienna swears she knows Jake is The One and she could see herself spending the rest of her life with him. As long as that life involved vacations in St. Lucia and a lot of television cameras. Vienna is just so young and so awkward and you almost feel bad for her when she goes in to talk to Jake's mom. His mom isn't pulling her punches or wasting time: she wants to know how Vienna gets along with people. Vienna swears that she was just "being herself" in the house and was "true to herself" and isn't that what all the biggest assholes say? That they are just being "true" and "brutally honest"? Outside Jake asks his brothers and sisters-in-law what they thought about Vienna and they admit that while she initially came across as abrasive, she's not that bad. The brothers remain deaf mutes. Then one of the girls cries because she feels bad for judging Vienna and this truly moves Jake. This whole scene makes me uncomfortable, but mostly because, for the life of me, I cannot imagine wanting to spend five minutes with Vienna, let alone MY LIFE. Jake just hopes his mom sees Vienna's "heart of gold." In her interview, Vienna is winning points by talking about family and not being able to go back to Florida without him. Jake's mom tells Vienna that she changed her mind, which is kind of harsh if you parse it out. She also apologizes to Vienna for judging her, but isn't the entire point of this meeting TO JUDGE? They all then claim that Vienna would be a perfect fit in the family. But, really, is "she's not that bad once you get past your initial impression" such a glowing review?After about five commercials for St. Lucia travel, we are back. Jake swears he sees his future wife in both Tenley and Vienna. He has one more date with each before he has to give away his final rose. He is excited to be taking Vienna to a live volcano with a sulfur spring and spa. Vienna is unimpressed with his choice of venue, what with the rotten egg smell and, like, nature. She didn't leave backwoods Florida to face down dirt. Jake makes her feel the stream and then they both roll around in the mud, chucking dirt clods at each other's privates and touching where their bathing suits cover. Jake calls this "natural chemistry." I call it "rutting." Vienna writes "I love you" into the mud slathered all over Jake's chest, which is ...romantic? They get even muddier and then stand up to kiss for a while. I'm not sure, but they may be blurring out the edges of Vienna's derriere. Jake has a mud faux-hawk, which really deserves its own Emmy. They wander over to a clean hole (insert dirty joke) and drink a bottle of champagne left in the swimming hole by some producer who did not have an inappropriate relationship with anyone on the show and thus got to travel to St. Lucia and drop champagne bottles in natural springs. Vienna and Jake talk about how much they loved rubbing each other in mud and it is really too bad that his family couldn't join them for a big group hug right about now. Vienna invites Jake back to her place for "dessert," which, I guess is what the kids are calling it these days. Not wanting to sound like too much of a dirty girl (despite the mud) she follows up the dessert with an offer of cheese and crackers. Just in case her dad is watching and still thinks his little angel is a virgin. Jake worries that he has to go back to her house and have sex with her, all while figuring out whether it is love or lust. Life's rough, asshole. Vienna swears she is totally in love with Jake and has found her soul mate. This would be almost endearing if this wasn't exactly the same thing every contestant on this show has said at this point. So, yawn.
Back at Vienna's house, some producer has hosed her off and she is ready to tell Jake she loves him. She has a "special present" for him tonight, which I think is her virginity, and then she says is her creepy promise ring. She is ready to give it to Jake and take a leap of faith with him. She tucks her love letter and her creepy ring into what looks like a tortilla holder and waits for Jake. Jake is wearing khakis for the occasion. He thinks things with Vienna are going "really well," which you would hope because he could be asking her to marry him, like, tomorrow. Vienna wants to talk and she mutters about being taken care of and best friends and herpes vaccinations and Derrida and passion and whatnot. Jake nods along politely and then out of the blue asks her what it was like being married for three weeks. She immediately knew it was a mistake with no love or passion and she broke her dad's heart. The disappointment in her dad's voice just killed her. She swears she has learned from her mistakes, which does not at ALL explain why she is on this show. I mean what valuable lesson from a failed marriage would make anyone think signing up for The Bachelor would be a good idea? Vienna swears love and mumbles about soul mates and then leads Jake to her bed for her "special present," which is not a BJ or a maiden voyage or a Dirty Sanchez or anything, but is her promise ring TO HER DAD, which is unsettling, at best. Jake reads her note out loud. I'll summarize: She says I love you, he says n
othing. They cuddle. He just can't believe it's their "last date." She calls him on that and he quickly adds "...on this journey." Tenley admits to us that she doesn't know what his relationship is like with Vienna. She laid everything on the line and now she is "so scared." She cries a little as she tells this to the camera. They kiss on the bed for the cameras for a while and then the producers blue ball him and kick him out of the cabana.The day, Jake has put Vienna's promise ring in his hotel safe and is heading out to meet Tenley. He can't wait to see her and that "little smile" she wears. When she seems him she throws herself at him, like, literally. He catches one leg, but the other doesn't quite wrap around his waist and he just lets it go. They kiss some more and Tenley confesses that she's feeling "really in love" and just wants to kiss and hug and play with him and love him and squeeze him and call him George. Jake and Tenley head out on a yacht to hit some coral reefs and go snorkeling. I have to say that as far as the two dates go -- a yacht versus a glorified mud puddle -- Tenley wins hands down. Tenley says about twelve times that the date is "just perfect." Jake has reached the point in his bachelordom where he is tired. It's not the giant beer or the sun or the hours of snorkeling, but the WEIGHT of his decision that is making him so exhausted. He tells US that he can't help but remember his fiery chemistry with Vienna, which sounds like a safety hazard -- and not in a good way, if there is such a thing. He tells TENLEY that he has been so captivated with her and that's been missing in his past relationships. Lack of captivation? He has emotional AND physical chemistry with her...well, wait, hold that. He asks her if she is at all concerned that they have white hot emotional chemistry, but not physical chemistry. She looks alarmed and he quickly adds "not sexual chemistry," but Tenley and I both ask, "What is physical chemistry that's not sexual?" Jake doesn't really have an answer, but tries to back pedal that he thinks their physical chemistry is growing slowly. Tenley intelligently (perhaps surprisingly so) points out that she thinks that is the way it is supposed to go... but she says it uncertainly because obviously this means JAKE DOES NOT LOVE HER. Granted Jake looks completely freaking wiped out and maybe he's not speaking his mind clearly, but um...NICE THING TO SAY, ASSHOLE. Tenley does the only proper thing: She starts crying and talking about her ex-husband. Jake swears he just wanted to be honest, but didn't mean to hurt her feelings. Um, good work, then. And is that Vienna coming up on the outside lane?
Later that night, Tenley runs around her house lighting candles, because apparently this production is too cheap (or too short on interns) to do it themselves. Tenley is understandably unsure about what to expect from tonight. She was shocked by Jake's statement on the boat, because she really thought they had chemistry. She sits on the couch forlornly, not even bothering to pick up a magazine or twirl her hair, just waiting for the damn knock on the door. The second she hears him she jumps up and runs to the door. He swears she looks lovely and they have a big chemistry-free hug. Jake swears the situation on the yacht was just a timing problem, because, yeah, telling a girl there's no chemistry would have played MUCH better on a beach or in bed or at dinner. You just keep believing that, Jakey, while we get to the root of your prior relationship problems. Jake downs his entire glass of wine in one chug knowing that Tenley is going to want to TALK. Freaking women. Jake apologizes for making her feel bad. He loves her smile, he loves her eyes, he loves the way she kisses him. She is honest and he feels he can be honest with her, even if it totally hurts her feelings and is a mean jackassish thing to say. He wants to fight for Tenley, because he loves her. She thanks him for sharing and for his honesty. She wants to listen to him and work through "those moments" in life. Those moments where your husband is being an asshole? Those moments? They start making out on the chair and talk (honestly, of course) about how much they love kissing each other. Then they go to drink champagne (on the bed, natch). Tenley gives him her present. She's been doing some scrapbooking of their journey together. It's a picture of their extra special picnic (she loves picnics as much as Yogi Bear) and them on the beach and their fortunes. It's a rather Hallmark gift, which is not nearly as magical, creepy, or frightening as Vienna's promise ring and mash not written in blood. That pretty much sums up the difference between the two girls. Tenley tells Jake she loves him and he doesn't say anything in return. Later, in the confessional, Jake tells US that he loves Tenley, but it sounds a bit hollow since he just said the same damn thing about Vienna. They kiss on the bed and then Tenley vows to make this the night Jake admits they have chemistry. Which sounds sort of ominous, but is probably better than blue balls.
Jake wakes up in his own bed, but it's just so Tenley can pretend she still has "her values." He gives the typical Bachelor speech about how he knows it is possible to be in love with two women, because he is. And doesn't this bode poorly for future married life? A shirtless Jake stares out at the blue ocean trying to make his decision. He has never met anyone like Tenley who is always positive and kind. At least during the two weeks he has known her. He has no doubt that Tenley would be an amazing wife. He also has no doubt that Vienna would be an amazing wife. They play together, they can be immature and throw mud and stuff and who wouldn't want that in a forever way? Jake sits in the pool, still shirtless, looking torn. Oh, I get it: He doesn't have a shirt on because he needs to talk to his heart. Cut to Tenley talking about how much she loves Jake and how alive and safe she feels with Jake. She knows they would be an incredible team. Vienna walks along the beach and draws a heart in the sand. She talks about all the chemistry they have together and while she talks about chemistry the producers kindly show us a montage of the two of them being all chemically on the boat, on the beach, on the bed. Then she showers, which is pretty much what my eyes want to be doing right now. And why is she showering with the cameras on? Anyway, she loves Jake too. She is totally prepared to get a tramp stamp with his name on it.
Jake gets a visit from the kindly neighborhood jeweler. He looks like he's going to puke at the thought of putting a ring on anyone. He claims he is flip flopping every thirty minutes between the girls. He confesses to the jeweler that he hasn't decided which girl yet, but he does know which cut of diamond each girl prefers, which is handy. I've been a girl for three decades, but I have no idea which cut of diamond I prefer. I am such a failure as a female. Jake takes both the princess cut and the round cut and sends the jeweler back to his day job already. He dresses for the big event, sadly opting for a paisley tie. He claims his heart is leading to both women. He then gives the Tenley-is-so-sweet and Vienna-is- so-full-of-life spiel. It's the hardest decision he's ever had to make. And then, suddenly, he's made it. He puts aside one of the ring boxes. One of the girls "has [his] heart a little more than the other." The girls get dressed for their big disappointment or marriage proposal. Vienna knows that this is the life she's always wanted and the fairy tale she "never thought she could have." Doesn't everyone feel like that on vacation though? Jake swears that this is the biggest day of his life. He has grown so much during this "journey." I really wish he would quit calling it a journey, because I feel like it is doing a disservice to actual people with actual journeys. Tenley hops in a helicopter and heads off to her fairytale. Everyone keeps talking about fairytales, but I don't remember the Brothers Grimm predicting reality television. Their stories were gruesome, but n
othing like this. Vienna gets in her helicopter and the women head towards their destiny still blathering about love, destiny, life-changing journeys, and fairy tales. Jake stands on his stage as the helicopters approach. I'm kind of thinking a Blackhawk Down reenactment would be preferable to what's coming .A helicopter lands and Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere to help...Tenley out of the helicopter. As she makes her walk of doom to where Jake is standing she makes a whole stream of soon-to-be embarrassingly unprophetic statements about her long and happy life with Jake. He tells her she looks beautiful and they hug. He takes a deep breath and drags out the words incredibly slowly as if he knows that they still have twenty freaking minutes to fill before the show ends. He mentions all the things he loves about her: her positivity, her smile, and her general perfectness. He starts crying as he tells her that something doesn't feel right. She doesn't know what to say. She is not making the prettiest face as the reality sets in that he is not asking her to marry him. She thanks him for showing her what she could have, which is...odd. I mean do you THANK a guy you JUST SLEPT WITH ON NATIONAL TELEVISION who then DUMPS YOU ON NATIONAL TELEVISON? She thanks him again for showing her that she can love again. He looks sad as she just keeps on talking and thanking him for breaking her heart on national television. Good lord woman, QUIT THANKING HIM AND KICK HIM IN THE NUTS ALREADY. God, do I have to think of everything? Also, quit talking about your ex husband during your little speech. Jake walks the wailing woman downstairs where she begs him to reconsider, but instead he explains that something is not natural about their relationship. She mentions her relationship AGAIN, thanks him AGAIN, and then walks off into Chris Harrison's waiting arms. He walks her down another five flights of stairs, like nice convenient choice of venue. Tenley drives off in her SUV and cries about what a great man Jake is and about her old marriage and how she needs a man who can really love her. Yeah! You deserve better than that dipshit. I mean, if Jake wants to be with Vienna you probably don't want to be with him. I mean, gah: Vienna. She bids farewell to the St. Lucia sun and we bid adieu to Tenley. Also our lunches, because, gah: Vienna.
Melissa Rycroft appears on the TV to remind us that Jake just might change his mind. Also to announce that Kate Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin will be part of the new cast of Dancing with the Stars. To think Buzz Aldrin went through years of military training, flight training, astronaut training, got launched into space, landed on the moon, and is now going to be most famous for dancing on national television to a woman who is famous for procreating with a douchebag. Anyway, Jake stands atop Mt. Disappointment, which has been newly christened Mt. Marriage Proposal. Vienna looks like she is DYING in the helicopter, but not out of nerves, but because she is a girl from a town in Florida that only recently got a stoplight and she is in a freaking helicopter over the ocean, which she hears is deep. She lands and Chris helps her out of the plane. Harrison unpries her hands from the helicopter and tells her to cross a bridge, walk up some stairs, rope swing over the moat, cut through a labyrinth and find her man. She voiceovers about how much she loves this man and how he is her soul mate and how scared she is. They hug hard as her disembodied voice says that without him she would be lost, because with him she found herself or something else she read in Lao Tzu, which she translated from the ancient Chinese scrolls. Jake tells her she is beautiful and amazing and then he hands her back the promise ring from her dad. He didn't understand it at first but now he knows it is Important and he wants her to have it back. She looks confused. Also, hurt. He has something else for her too and he doesn't want her to ever forget it: He loves her. She kisses him. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him with his Neil Lane diamond. She says yes, the ring fits and that's that. Well except for the montage of all their best moments set to On the Wings of Love. As if we needed THAT.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is a writer and radio producer in New York City. She is never watching this show again. You can follow her on Twitter (@woolyknickers).