And here it is now, however many months later, and Jason tells us that it was the right decision because they didn't have "that connection," and I have burned all the tapes that I recorded last season's episode on, but I'm fairly certain Jason and DeAnna both said a million times that they had a connection, and I can't believe that I'm doing this show again. I mean, I made a New Year's resolution to not do anything that makes the world a worse place, and I think drawing any kind of attention to this show is seriously bad karma. And now Jason is ready to be in love again, because it's the best feeling in the world (provided you don't fall in love with a conniving devil-beast like DeAnna).
So in case you don't already watch this show (which means you don't a) hate life; b) get paid to watch it; c) enjoy watching terrible television; or d) have a tragically fucked-up opinion of romance), meet Jason! He lives in Seattle, he loves his life, apparently because he lives in a place where people throw fish at each other. That's as good a reason as any. Also, Jason has an adorable three-year-old boy, so ladies prepare yourself for The Bachelor: 2036.
Jason spends a hundred years talking about how amazing things are with him and Ty, which is kind of an odd way to put it. Oh, and no offence, Ty, but there's a huge hole in our family. So you don't mind if I air our family's marital troubles on national television? As long as I stare out at the ocean all pensive and sad? And how about if I go shirtless for my workout for the television cameras? And how about if I try to find love among twenty-five more head cases instead of just being content to be a good-looking guy with a good job? Doesn't that work? I'm not as good-looking as Jason and I'm happily married. How hard can it be?
So Jason jets off to L.A., which he thinks is the perfect place to find someone, for some reason, and he's thrilled because he's in the driver's seat (figuratively, and, on this sun-dappled freeway, literally). And Ty's along for the ride, because he can't stand to be without him. Since he didn't have Ty along last time, I'm guessing the real reason is Ty makes Jason seem like not such an android.
Also along is Jason's brother, Larry, to look after Ty. "He's the perfect person to come along here, because he's like a second dad to Ty." Wow, it's almost like he's an uncle. Oh, and then there's this: "Ty's not going to be around for the whole thing, but he's definitely going to be around to help me start it." Translation: when it gets time to have some sex, Ty's flying back home.
Oh, god, is it too late to back out on this show? Jason's going on about his great life again, and now he's walking shirtless, and now he's running shirtless, and now he's doing pushups shirtless outside for some reason. "Oh, camera crew, I didn't see you there." He says he knows he's going to find love among the twenty-five attention-starved dingbats selected by reality show producers. He just KNOWS IT. He says he's let two women into his life. The first one he doesn't regret, because Ty was the result. The second one? "Well, we all saw that." And we would all give just about anything to unsee it. "Now that I'm the bachelor? The third time's the charm."
So then we get the montage of crazy scenes that await us. Women yelling at each other, making out with Jason. I wonder what kind of whatever this season is the most of! "It's the most romantic season ever!" we're informed by Chris Harrison.
After the commercial break, Chris himself strolls out to tell us that when DeAnna rejected Jason, women all over the world and presumably in other galaxies were shocked, but also thrilled, because it meant that Jason was still available. Oh, I see we're still perpetuating the idea that all the women who apply to be on this show wouldn't have done it if it were a different bachelor, hey?
So Jason's on his way, we're told, but first let's meet the women he's going to be selecting from.
There's someone jumping up and down on a bed, telling us she's really excited to be meeting Jason tonight, but it looks like she's more at Ty's level. Then there's someone practicing her "moves," and there's someone practising her golf swing and describing herself as a "typical Midwestern girl." Here's a thought: if you want to stand out? Don't describe yourself as typical. "Hole in one," she says after she takes her swing, and she may have been talking about her head.
And here's someone on a treadmill who's a dental hygienist who calls herself a "tooth Nazi," and then she laughs really loudly. Thanks for showing her flossing, by the way. It's really romantic the way she sends flecks of food shooting out from her teeth. And there's a woman who brought thirty-two pairs of shoes, and she hopes Jason likes her favorite dress. And there's someone doing some crunches, because she needs to be really fit for tonight. Well, those last few crunches ought to do it!
And now here's someone from Peace River! Which is a stone's throw away, relatively speaking, from my hometown of Grande Prairie! Good god! It's Jillian, described as an interior designer, but she describes herself as a restaurant designer, which is apparently what she's doing in Peace River, so maybe they've got more than just the one diner now. And she's actually from Vancouver. "I work hard and I play hard," she says. Just once, I'd enjoy hearing someone say, "I work hard, but I kind of dog it on the playing." She says she's a "polished hick," and we see her drinking beer at a campout, and then walking along the harbour, which is definitely not in landlocked Peace River but is in Vancouver. And now here's Stacia, the first yummy mummy, who is a "charity accountant" from Orem, Utah, who says being a mom is the best job in the world. Oh, that's just one of those things you say. Everyone knows hammock tester is the best job in the world. She says dating as a single mom is hard, and she was just going to give up, but then she saw Jason was going to be the bachelor. Yeah, dating is hard, but applying to get on a reality show? Piece of cake! I can see why you went for it. She says her son Tristan is "all about" her dating. Sure he is. What is he, four? The only way Tristan's all about anything other than cars and how hilarious it is when people fart, is if his mom never shuts up about how hard it is to date. Adorably, he says his mom is the coolest mom.
Here's Dominque, in medical sales, from Mt. Carmel, Penn., and she is actually, like, cavorting in a park. It used to be a booming coal region, but is now kind of depressed. Yeah, I'm kind of a depressed too. She strolls down the sidewalk of what she sarcastically says is the booming metropolis she moved to, North Coverland, and she slags off the dating scene there, and indicates the movie theatre which is showing, incongruously enough, The House Bunny and Vicky Christina Barcelona. She says we'd be surprised how many guys can't afford the $3.50 matinee there. To be fair, once they've spent all their money on surgery for a special implant to hear her squeaky voice, they don't have a lot of money left over. "I've dated too many duds here, I'm ready to meet my stud, Jason," she says, after showing us the town's sewage treatment plant, which spoils romantic walks in the park.
Then there's Melissa, a sales representative from Dallas, who's very outgoing and had a two-year stint with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. People think that Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders have their pick of all the men, but clear
ly they don't because she's single. I think she's wildly overestimating just how much thought people give to Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.Then there's Nikki, who is 29, and still entering pageants. She has a sash that says Miss Illinois on it, and she's from Blue Island. And she's talking about pageants like they are a real job, and I think I'd like to move on to the woman now. Especially after we watch her teach her nieces valuable life skills like sash-wearing and blowing kisses at judges.
Renee is a jewelry designer from Los Angeles whose hobbies include putting her dog in shirts and telling us how she defies the stereotype of the flaky L.A. girl. Then she talks about her "vision boards," which are collages of words that she cuts out from magazines to illustrate what she wants from love. Things like "great guy" and "caring." God, how many issues of The Economist did she have to go through to get enough stuff for her board?
Jackie is a wedding designer from Dallas who says her own wedding was wonderful but the afterparty wasn't, and she got divorced a year later. She gives off a very strong "I just want another beautiful wedding" vibe, as she flips through the photos of her first wedding. "It'll be a perfect wedding: you, me, Jason, and Ty," she tells her dog, who presumably then licks itself and goes to sleep.
up is Stephanie, 34. "The oldies are always the first to go," says my wife. She's in "medical marketing," always a popular choice on this show, from Huntsville, Ala. Her sister called her and told her there was this guy on television who was perfect for her. No, he wasn't on Nip/Tuck. And then I feel bad because her first husband was killed in a plane crash, along with his brother, and she's got a memorial in the yard that she takes her daughter to look at. "We say that Daddy took a flight to heaven, right?" she tells her sweet little girl in pigtails. Don't you fucking MAKE ME CRY, The Bachelor! Her daughter was just ten weeks old when her dad died. Oh, god, there I go. Then there's Lauren, 27, a teacher, or perhaps a professional sunbather. And then there's Shelby, an account executive from Stockton, hairspraying her blond bob for dear life. up is Erica, also an account executive, who says, "When there's cattiness, I will stop at nothing to get involved." This is not something I could imagine someone happily admitting to.
Naomi, a flight attendant from Carlsbad, enlightens us on her bitch-handling philosophy. "I'm not afraid of confrontation with girls at all," she says. "I handle bitches with a slap," she says. Ah, lovely.
Now we meet Molly, 24, a department store buyer from Grand Rapids. She says she has a lot of confidence, which will make the other girls jealous, and their claws will come out. Molly, may I introduce you to Naomi, please?
Hello, Shannon, you dental hygienist from Marshall, Mo. "I know Jason is a great catch," she says. Yes, she did see him on television, after all. As we see shots of the women in evening gowns meeting each other, the introductions are starting to come a little quicker. Megan, a lacross coach from Sewickley, Pa., says she knows the competition's going to be stiff. "But I don't give a (bleep) about them." She says the other girls can be her best friends or worst enemies. "It's their choice," she says, like she hasn't already made that choice. I was kind of hoping we could avoid the "I'm not the problem. Other bitches is the problem" attitude this time around, but I guess not.
So after the blessed relief of a commercial break, we are treated to Jason pretending there isn't a camera in his face as he showers and gets ready for his sunset appointment of standing on hilltop looking dapper in a suit. Meanwhile, the women get into limousines and apparently spend the entire ride drinking and talking about how "so cute" Jason is.
"Other than the night Ty was born, this is the most exciting night of my life," says Jason, which makes me feel really sorry for Jason. Ty blows his dad a kiss so he can scurry off and not get attached to any of the twenty-five potential new mommies about to arrive.
In the limousine, the allegedly adult women are yelling, "Gimme a J! Gimme an A!" and spelling out Jason's name. Maybe this year the competition is decided by awarding the bachelor to the woman who acts the stupidest?
Chris Harrison says Jason's about to meet twenty-five beautiful bachelorettes. "And in the end, one of them will become his wife," says Chris. I hate to remind him, but wouldn't that make this the first time that this show has actually accomplished that feat? Jason's limousine pulls up, and he gets out and says hello to Chris, who gives him a "Nice to see you, man," adding the "man" just so he doesn't feel like a complete sissy for hosting this show. He asks if Jason has any bad memories, and Jason says he doesn't regret anything. Chris suggests they go in and have a chat before the ladies arrive.
They sit down by the fireside, and we have to rehash, not for the first time tonight, Jason's ill-fated proposal to DeAnna. "I was shocked, completely shocked." Chris says, "The good news is, you fell in love. You found that special someone. So you know it can work." I -- WHAT? NO, HE DIDN'T. He might have fallen love, but he clearly did not FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE. Astutely, though, Jason does point out that if he hadn't met DeAnna, he wouldn't be sitting here right now either. Chris asks him if he's a better man after going through what he did. You'll never believe this, but Jason thinks he is. Then they talk about Ty for about five hours. Did you know Jason loves his son? It's true. He does.
So what's on the agenda tonight? Making that connection, says Jason. Weeding out the oldies, the uglies, the weirdos and the drunkies, says I. He says he's going to keep his "mind wide open" as he goes on. Chris says it looks like third time's the charm. "Absolutely. That's the rumour, and I'm going to go with that," says Jason, whatever THAT'S supposed to mean.
Back outside, the bromance continues, with Chris calling Jason "Jace" and "man" again, and he asks his main man Jace how he's feeling. "I'm ready. I'm really, really excited." And here's the first limousine, and we get to hear the women freaking out.
First out is Lauren, 27, all skinny with boobs in a leopard-print dress. She's a teacher from Marlboro, N.J. and she tells him it's her birthday today. She jokingly puts him on the spot by asking him to guess how old she is, and he goes for twenty-six instead of playing it extra-safe and saying twenty-two.
up is Kari, 27, an advertising executive from Lee's Summit, Mo. She's pretty in pink and he tells her she looks gorgeous, and she says he looks handsome. Oh, and she's from Kansas. She says she adored him on the last show.
It's Melissa, the sales rep. She does some weird thing with her shoulders as she walks. She's wearing a nice black dress and introduces herself as a "cowgirl" from Texas. Does being from Texas automatically make you a cowgirl? Shouldn't there be some ranching involved?
Sharon, 32, a teacher from Batavia, strolls up and starts salsaing, and Jason does his best but says he only salsaed when he went to Costa Rica, and she's all, you went to Costa Rica? I speak Spanish! So clearly this is meant to be. She confesses the dance was just a trick to hold his hand.
Then there's Natalie in a blue prom dress from Chicago (Morton, in human resources, the graphic tells us). She says her mom and her sisters always watch the show (but not her, I'm so sure) and says it's "surreal" to finally meet him, which is the word he used to describe being The Bachelor now, and unless there are talking dogs and melting clocks around, I don't want to hear the word "surreal" anymore.
Natalie strolls into the bachelor pad so she can join the other women talking about how cute he is. Do they actually have nothing else to talk about?
Another limo pulls up, so we have to hear a fresh round of squealing. B
itch-slappin' Naomi is the first one to step out. "How are you?" asks Jason. "I'm amazing," is the answer. That's one word for it. He says he was also the first person out of the second limo, so now she thinks they're going to get along fabulously.Megan the lacrosse coach is , wearing green. She seems nervous and says she's from Pittsburgh and Virginia Beach. Two places at once? She says she and her son's father split up a while ago, so she left Virginia. Jason asks how old her son is. "Fourteen months," she says. So it wasn't that long ago. She says she wasn't going to bring it up right away. He tells her not to worry about it and sends her on inside.
Stacia the "charity accountant" is and gives a little squeal as she comes up, and calls him a gorgeous man. Jackie the wedding co-ordinator we've also already met is , and she ALSO calls him gorgeous.
Maybe because that's suddenly the word of the day, he then calls Lisa, who is in public relations in Boise, Idaho, gorgeous as well. She says she's "totally nervous" which seems obvious when she suggests he try Idaho potatoes. He sends her inside before she can rattle off Idaho's other state exports.
A new limo, new squealing, someone else calls Jason gorgeous. Stephanie from Alabama is the first one out, and she tells him she's excited not just because it's any bachelor but because it's him, and she looks forward to getting to know him better. At least Stephanie carries herself with some grace and doesn't come off like a sorority girl at an off-campus kegger.
Then there's "Treasure," -- yes, really -- a "nurse practitioner," whatever that is, from Salt Like City. Jason does a bit of a verbal double-take on the name, and she says it's not her "stage name," which raises the question: "So what IS your stage name?"
up: Raquel, a medical student from Brazil (originally, presumably), giving us a little South American flava. He says he speaks a little bit of Spanish, but it's been a long time, which the two of them find hilarious for some reason.
And now we meet Shelby, 23, an account executive from Stockton, Calif., who says she's very excited to meet him. She says Stockton is "really not that great of a place," so if she ever makes it to the hometown date portion, I hope she enjoys avoiding the lynch mob.
Nikki, the annoying pageant queen, is actually quite a stunner in a sparkly black dress. All is forgiven, Nikki! She wins bonus points, I imagine (aside from being a knockout), for actually asking about Ty. Smart move, I say. I could be crazy, but he seems to linger a little watching her leave.
Chris Harrison comes out now to ask his homeboy "Jase" what he thinks of the first fifteen. "They are all amazing." He says he's speechless, which is hard to make him. Really? Jason never seems to shut up. Chris also helps Jason out with the math, by telling him that there are ten more women just waiting to pretend they've been waiting all their lives to meet him.
After the commercial break, Chris asks Jason the EXACT SAME QUESTION, and Jason gives an equally boring answer.
Molly the department store buyer in a blue dress is the first one out of the limo, and she gets the strummed acoustic "could this be love?" musical intro instead of the funky "watch out for this one!" drum beat. She says she's a golfer too, and asks to see his swing. He demurs, since he's wearing a suit. Nice try, though, Molly.
Erica, 25, an account executive from Monroe, Conn., is up . She tells him he looks very handsome and then asks him to guess where she just came from. Which could be literally ANYWHERE, so he gamely guesses "New York?" and says she was in Kirkland, where she caught a flying fish, and she got it on video. Fortunately, it's not me standing up there, so Jason doesn't say, "So THAT'S what I smell." That's why I'm not the bachelor. Well, that's not the ONLY reason.
Then there's Nicole, a menswear buyer from Calgary. Another Albertan? What is with this show? She calls herself Nicki, and says she watched last season and remembered Ty saying that his favorite colour is orange, so that's why she wore an orange dress. Yeah, great. You want to put on a tight dress and have the object of your affections start thinking about his son.
up is the flaky woman from Los Angeles who doesn't realize she's a flake. She's originally from Michigan, but is a jewelry designer in Los Angeles. They have zero spark.
Now there's Jillian, the restaurant designer from Vancouver by way of Peace River, who says it's so good to finally meet him. (Side note: is it telling that I keep accidentally typing "meat him"?) She says when they get inside, she needs to know what his favorite hot dog topping is, because she's got a theory about people based on what they like to put on their hot dogs, so she orders him to come find her. I have a theory that says she goes home early.
Last limo. Dominique gets out. I hope she giggles a lot less when she's doing all her "medical sales." She seems sweet at least. Then there's Emily, who's in Seattle, in "casino marketing." Or maybe that's "Casino marketing," but considering that movie came out thirteen years ago, there's probably not much call for it anymore. She calls herself the biggest Seahawks fan in Washington state.
Julie is a first-grade teacher from Columbus, who has seventeen students who are probably missing her right now. Julie's foxy. Even I'm missing her as my first-grade teacher.
Ann is a flight attendant from Phoenix. Since Jason likes to travel, that works to his benefit, she tells him. Shannon, the dental hygienist from Marshall, Mo., gets out wearing fake fucked-up front teeth. Jason applauds, and then she takes them out and laughs uproariously at herself. "I try to be funny!" she tells him. Careful, funny girl. That's a hard line to walk. She tells him she's a dental hygienist, and then giggles that she's so happy to meet him.
So that's twenty-five. Jason calls them "incredible." Chris asks if his wife is in that room. Jason's already MARRIED? Sh -- oh. Jason says it's possible, and he wouldn't be here if it wasn't.
So get ready for the petty insults and drinking, and what was touted as the "most awkward moment in bachelor history" is now being promised as "the most shocking twist in bachelor history" is coming up. Apparently the bachelorettes themselves are going to vote one of their own off.
Before Jason ventures into the fray, Chris reminds him about the first impression rose, which he's supposed to give to the person who impressed him the most. Jason knows how it works. Jason goes inside, where the women are all still yammering on about him. One jokes (I hope it's a joke) that maybe she should go get the wedding dress she brought.
They cheer and lift their glasses when he comes in. "This is an insane evening," he tells them, and thanks them all for being here. He raises his glass and they all toast the night. "I'm so glad that DeAnna did not choose Jason. Jason's really hot," says Molly in an interview while we watch Jason circulate, the women intently staring at him. In the room, Naomi toasts DeAnna, to Jason's surprise, because if it weren't for her, they wouldn't be there. Another reason to dislike DeAnna! In an interview, Naomi says she's obsessed with Jason: "I think he's the hottest thing ever. I want him all over my body," she says all fake-sultry, before breaking up laughing.
Jason, sitting in a group of women who think everything he says is hilarious, asks them if they know about Ty. BECAUSE HARDLY ANY OF YOU ASKED ABOUT HIM. "I want to be a mom sooo bad!" squeals Shannon the dental hygienist in an interview, the same way a kid might squeal about wanting a puppy.
In an interview, Jason is for some reason surprised that all the women seem to think that him being a single father is the greatest thing ever. They all know how important Ty is to him, he says. "I want to get to know all these women as much as I can," he says.
Jason goes and sits down with Shannon the dental hygienist, who
creepily knows his birthday, and knows his brother Larry is dating a Shannon. "I'm totally not a stalker!" she says. See, it's not a good sign, though, if you have to promise that you're not a stalker. Besides, she's getting an "uh-oh!" musical accompaniment. Shannon says she's been checking out Jason's MySpace page. So it's not so much she's a stalker as it's that she has no life. "I just want to tell you some things I love about you," she says. "How you're so generous, you're sincere, you're sweet..." Jason interrupts to ask, as non-confrontationally as you might speak to a crazy person, if she feels like she knows him already, and she says yes, admitting that she does feel like a stalker. She calls it doing her homework, and blathers on about taking a leap of faith and being there for him, and being ready to fall in love. Oh, and he has beautiful teeth and is beautiful.So Erica strolls up to interrupt, and she starts chatting with Jason, and meanwhile the other women are noticing that Jason's not there anymore, and Naomi tells us that already there are women trying to steal one on one time. "It's the first night!" says Naomi, so here we go with the "I didn't think of it first so therefore it's not cool" reasoning.
After Erica's done, Dominique goes outside to giggle at Jason, who asks her what she knows about Seattle, and all she can say is that she's seen Sleepless in Seattle. Wow, that first impression rose is going to be a tough decision tonight! She talks about being from a small town in Pennsylvania. She sells "toe implants," for bunions and hammertoes. She says she's usually serious, even though she might seem silly right now. Again, if you have to explicitly explain what you are, then you're really not so much the way you think you are. If that makes sense.
Sharon the Spanish teacher from Batavia strolls up and asks if she can interrupt. To his credit, Jason doesn't say, "God, yes, THANK you." He and Sharon go inside to chat one on one, where she tells him she resigned her job to come here. Wow, is THAT a bad idea. Send this one home NOW and maybe she can beg and get her job back. In an interview, Sharon says she thinks there's a connection there. She's deluding herself. Any guy is going to run far from a woman who tells him she resigned her job just to meet him.
Meanwhile the women are thankfully talking about something other than Jason. They're talking about their kids. Molly asks them if they think they have an advantage because they know what it's like as a single parent. Megan the lacrosse coach, in an interview, says, "There are a lot of girls who I don't think understand what it means to be someone's mom." Yeah, those would be the ones who aren't moms, Megan. And they all have exactly as much experience with being a mom as you did right before you became one too.
Jason sits down with Nicole the orange-dress wearing woman and Kari in pink who whips out a poem that she wrote for him. There is a big heart scribbled on the paper. The poem is entitled, "Is there such a thing as love at first sight?" I don't know about you, but I can't wait to hear what the answer is. "Jason, a first smile. Worthwhile. Our first meeting, all of us competing." Oh god, that SUCKS. Like even for "first episode of The Bachelor
So how's the other Canadian doing? She's grilling up some hot dogs and she and the women are talking about how you can tell a lot about a man from what he puts on his wiener. Totally agree. This really has the feeling of "I'm going to try to stand out by relating something I read in an e-mail forward" to me. "Ketchup guy is a good, strong, loyal, loving guy. Loves his mom, talks to her several times a week." Sauerkraut guy is the bad boy who they all go for. Onion guy, they all love him, but he's never going to get married. He's rude and possibly smells bad. But mustard guy, that's the guy who they all want to settle down with, because he's part ketchup, part sauerkraut. I don't know what's worse: her condiment knowledge or her advancing this as any way of knowing something about a person. What about chili guy? What about relish guy? So many holes in this theory. I have a theory too. It's called the You're Going Home theory, and I'll be happy to elaborate later. Well, at least we get some wiener double-entendres, with the best coming from Naomi, who explains that if a wiener gets overcooked it doesn't function properly. Well, Naomi, when the grill's been used too much, you run the risk of giving the wiener a burning sensation.
So Jason comes in to the plate of wieners, and Jillian's got the condiments laid out. She asks him why he thinks she has the hot dog theory. "It's how you judge guys," he says. Yeah, pretty much. She talks about how when she moved to the big city, she met all these guys who were like, "I drive a Ferrari and I don't eat hot dogs because my body's a temple" and none of this makes any sense to me. But I also realize now that I've got it backwards, and that she must have been born in Peace River and moved to Vancouver, which makes TONS more sense to me in terms of any restaurant in Peace River needing the services of a "restaurant designer." She says her mom's going to kill her, because she begged her not to talk about the hot dogs. Anyway, he puts mustard on first. "My test on Jason was a true success," she tells us. Your test on Jason tells us nothing, you dingbat. He might very well love onions but he's not stupid enough to get onions on his breath when he's in a roomful of women.
Jason comes out to chat with the other women, but he's only out there a second before Chris comes in with the first impression rose. Molly tells us seeing the rose made her nervous because she wasn't expecting it at that time. Jason tells them all he's been exactly where they are, and tells them not to stress. "This is the start of the winnowing away of all of you but one, but don't worry about it."
So after a commercial break, the women start speculating about the first-impression rose. Shannon tells Erica that Jason likes brunettes. Don't worry about it, Erica. I'm guessing he also prefers non-psychos.
Outside, Jason tells Nikki that he's been waiting to talk to her. I'll say. Yowza. They talk about having a family, and she talks about how she watches her nieces and nephews all the time. Jason's impressed that she's watched four of them at once. Yeah, I gotta say: I watched two kids yesterday while my wife and a family friend were at a meeting, and I think the work increases exponentially with each kid, like the Richter scale. "I'm broken in, completely," says Nikki, which is a soundbite for the ages. They're holding hands, and Jason is doing his level best to maintain eye contact with her.
Later, Jason comes in and sits to Renee, who tells us, "I would totally be excited if I got the first impression rose. This is something that I envisioned, so I know that this is right." The other women tell Jason that they were talking about karma and the law of attraction, and they're all too happy to point to Renee as the expert, so Renee starts expounding on her vision boards, and gets a spooky X-files-esque accompaniment while she blathers on about cutting words and pictures out of magazines, and good things come to you, and I have to say that I sure hope karma doesn't give a flying fuck how many times you cut "hot guy" out of Cosmo, lady. No one gently points out to her that if this love vision board of hers was such a success she wouldn't BE here, but Shelby is all too happy to tell us that it's not something she personally would have told Jason about, but if Renee's getting all these vibes and visions, then "rock on." Hee! I hope Shelby stays.
Brazilian Raquel comes by to steal Jason away. "She's so pretty," says Shelby, who is no slouch herself.Raquel tells us she wanted to do something different with Jason. Outside, he takes off his jacket and he and Raquel start dancing. This induces a stampede of the other women for the windows, and Molly's the one who puts a stop to it by cutting in, which she acknowledges Raquel probably wasn't too happy about, but "you gotta do what you gotta do to get the one-on-one time." To her credit, Raquel keeps the smile on, but admits she wasn't happy, saying she didn't really get the chance to talk to him. And it's not enough for Molly just to cut in; she also has to steal Jason away inside.
She asks him how his night's going, and he says it's going pretty well, if a little overwhelming. Oh, and "surreal." He asks her about Seattle. She says she's never been, but she's heard wonderful things, and she's open to new adventures. She lives in Milwaukee, which I'm surprised isn't adventure enough for her.
And here comes Raquel, apologizing, saying she wasn't done with Jason and needs to steal him away again. "Okay!" says Molly brightly, smile plastered on. Inside, she tells the other women, "Raquel came in and stole him back!" Hey, don't forget, you gotta do what you gotta do, right? "She didn't get enough time salsa dancing?" yells some other bachelorette.
Outside, Raquel tells him that something feels peaceful and right about this whole thing, and if she's been single up until now, it's been for a reason. Jason yackity-yacks about how you never know what's going to happen and he's glad she's here.
Inside, Stephanie and Megan talk about being away from their kids, and Jason comes in to steal Stephanie away. She says she definitely wants a rose tonight. Sitting down with Jason, she tells him about the heartbreak they've been through, and she tells him about her husband's death, and how her daughter Sophie means so much to her but she feels like she lost a year with Sophie because she was grieving. Sophie was only ten weeks old when her dad was killed, and I can't even think about this rationally, because I think about my own daughter. For God's sake, I cry at the end of Monsters, Inc. when Sully says goodbye to Boo and then she gets out of bed and opens her closet door but it's a regular closet again.
Anyway, the first impression rose is still just sitting on the table, and Nicole considers simply just stealing it. In an interview, she says she felt like it was this "wild feeding frenzy," but this actually seems like a nicer gentler first night than I remember from last season. A lot of the women seem to be actually encouraging each other. Someone says it might be Raquel because she was teaching him salsa, and Raquel demurs and says Molly talked to him a lot. When are we going to get to the fireworks factory?
Lauren, the cute teacher in the leopard print dress, is chatting with him . He asks if she's cold and gives her his jacket, and I hope that wasn't a nipple-prompted question. They talk about teaching, and she says it's exciting to be teaching seventh-graders about the government right now, and then she quizzes him on the three branches of government (which he easily names). He remembers that it's her birthday, and tells her to wait there, because he's got something for her. He takes off, and she thinks he's getting the first impression rose for her, but turns out he's sticking a candle in a cream puff for her to blow out. Wow, what a sweet gesture. Wow, she's disappointed. The other women, many of whom were worried she was getting the rose, are relieved, even though, as one points out, there are actually fifteen roses that are getting handed out tonight.
So now the women are all assembled and Jason comes in, and then the woman all groan when Chris comes in. He tells them it's not time for the rose ceremony yet. "Tonight, we have something a little different in store for you ladies," he says, in a voiceover that was blatantly dubbed in later.
When we come back from the commercial break, Chris brings in a woman who's got a box on a tray. "There's a box, you guys. A box," says Shannon, who is apparently hoping there's a Stating the Obvious rose to be handed out. Chris says it's a ballot box. And then, dubbed again, Chris says each woman has to cast a vote for someone else, and the woman with the most votes is leaving them tonight. Wow, great. Let's say the women have noticed Jason has already really connected with someone. They now have the ability to kick that woman out. Romantic! The women all groan at this. Jason acknowledges that he doesn't feel great that the women get to vote someone out of the party, but their opinion is really important to him. "This is going to be really interesting," he lies.
Melissa says women's intuition is able to tell if someone's ready to be a wife, or a mom or to move to Seattle. I swear to god she says that. Erica hands out the ballots while all the women start sizing each other up. Nicole says she's going to vote for the girl she doesn't think is right for him. Shouldn't that really be any of the twenty-four other women? She winds up voting for Erica (we see Erica slugging back a drink) just because she doesn't think she's compatible with Jason. Translation: Erica said something Nicole didn't like. Lisa says this was where it became clear that this was a competition. Someone says, "one looks like a bitch" and someone else is all "oh no, you di'in't!" and then Shelby in an interview cuts through the bullshit and says maybe some of the women are trying to decide on someone who's not right for Jason, but there are lots who are trying to figure out who the hottest girl is. She also uses air quotes successfully. I like Shelby more and more.
Jackie confides to someone else that she voted for Melissa because she's her biggest competition. She's a brunette, she's beautiful, she's from Dallas, ticks off Jackie, indicating that all those things are supposedly true of her as well. But here's the real reason: Melissa was a Cowboys cheerleader, whereas Jackie tried out twice and didn't make it.
And now here's Jason talking to Kari and Nicole again, in what was likely the conversation when Kari whipped out the poem, and he asks them about how the voting thing is going, so they're already screwing with the timeline through the editing of this stupid show. They pretend that they voted solely in Jason's best interests, instead of their own.
And now there's Jackie talking about how she was engaged once but left the ring on the pillow in the middle of the night and left, and then married another guy but realized he wasn't the one. And meanwhile the other women are edited so as to look they can't be-LIEVE that she's going on like this when in reality the reaction shots probably came from some totally different conversation. In an interview, Renee says that Jackie was "freer with her words" than anyone else, not to mention drunker. That's why she voted for Jackie. She confesses her choice to Shelby, who says she voted for the same person. Meanwhile, Melissa sits to Erica and jokes that she can't remember her name, when in reality she voted for her. God, is this painful. Sharon the teacher voted for Raquel for stealing her salsa-dancing gig. Sharon, Raquel is from Brazil. You might as well vote out the Canadian for doing a hot dog thing. Megan the lacrosse teacher says she voted for one of her favorite people. "Was it me?" asks some blond whose name I can't remember. "No!" snaps Megan, seemingly actually pissed that blondie here thought she was one of Megan's favorite people. "Was it Melissa?" asks blondie, and Megan sips her drink. Blondie cracks up.
"I voted for Melissa. Fun, flirty, gorgeous, but is she ready to be a mentor to a child?" asks Natalie. Really, that should be up to Jason, but if he realized that, he wouldn't be on this show in the first place.
Megan lectures the bored women about how being a parent, especially a single parent, is a really big deal. Shelby in particular looks like she wishes she had a sh
otgun right about now. Lisa in an interview says Megan's made a couple of speeches about being a parent but left her kid at home. "If I was her, I don't think I'd be able to leave a fourteen-month-old baby at home," she says. Do you judge Jason similarly for leaving Ty at home all through his time on the show last season? If so, you should probably say so.Then Jason comes in and spirits Megan away for a chat. One of the other women says, "What was her name? Done and done. Give me the pen."
Outside, Megan explains that her kid is fourteen months old, so he's still learning. Yeah, they don't stop learning until they're like, two, right? They talk about how parenthood is so great. She says she takes him to the petting zoo every other day, which surprises him, and then she says something about living on twenty-two acres so there are all these animals there, so I think there's some fudging going on here.
In an interview, Jason talks about the connection they have, each having a boy. I can't help but fall asleep. Meanwhile, a group of women are all still sitting around the rose, with Jackie saying she wants to know when it's getting handed out. And no, she's not quite enunciating all her words. Jason strolls in to pick it up and walks out again, and the women all blessedly stop talking.
In an interview, he says he was nervous picking it up, because there were a bunch of girls in that room, and he wasn't giving it to any one of them. The women follow as Jason strolls through the mansion to find, in a total non-shocker, Nikki, and he talks about how stunning she was, and how easy their conversation was, and I could have told any of the parents there that all your ability to relate to a fellow single parent didn't mean squat to how Nikki fills out a dress. The other women watch and sip their drinks while Nikki thanks him for the rose and accepts his gushing compliments. "I'm really stunned. I don't know what to say," she says. In an interview, she says she feels like a princess in a fairytale. Given her pageant hobby, I suppose that's something she's always aiming for.
Stephanie remarks that the rose was handed out quickly, which is interesting, given that they've friggin' really dragged it out here. "That's all right, y'all," says Megan, and someone points out that there are fourteen other roses. No one points out that ten of them aren't making it past this first night. Melissa says she hopes she piqued his curiosity. Shannon says she was surprised, either that she didn't get it, or Nikki didn't get it. Yeah, I mean, Shannon probably barely looked at Jason's MySpace page!
So Jason sits down with the women and talks about the nervous tension, and that must be Chris Harrison's cue, because he strolls in and says it's time for the first rose ceremony, but first up is the voting. "There were three of you who received the majority of the votes, and one of you will be leaving tonight," he says in another weird obviously-dubbed-in-later line. He has the results, he says. He reaches into his jacket for hopefully a gun. Nope, just the results.
Jackie got the third-most votes, who covers her mouth but doesn't seem to take it too hard. Second-most: Erica, who gasps. "Really, you guys? I'm a little hurt," she says, trying to laugh it off.
Dubbed in again, Chris says, "Receiving, by far, the most votes, Megan." Megan looks actually stunned and doesn't say anything. Chris asks Jason to come stand with him. And then, in yet more dubbed in dialogue, Chris says what they didn't know is that Megan is "leaving with a rose tonight," which, if you're going to dub in dialogue after the fact? At least make it clear. I had no idea what was going on at first. In fact, Megan's not actually leaving at all. "I'm glad you're safe," says Jason, which indicates to me that he was told the woman who got the most votes was going to get to stay, rather than him picking her himself. A bunch of women clap, some of whom probably voted for her. "You (bleep)," says Megan, "jokingly," to someone as she goes to get her rose from Jason, and Renee's eyes widen, probably during some conversation hours earlier.
Lauren acknowledges how difficult things are going to be since a lot of the women who will be staying voted for her. Then she points out that Megan called them (bleep)s. "I'm like, 'That's why we voted! That's why you got it!'"
Anyway, Chris takes Jason away so they can prepare for the rose ceremony. Meanwhile, Megan's all confused because she doesn't know if Jason wants her to stay or not. Meanwhile, all these women were acting like they're best friends, but they all (bleeping) hate her. She almost starts crying on camera, because she's used to being friends with everybody.
So after the commercial break, Chris and Jason stand in the deliberation room which has, naturally, pictures of all the women, instead of resumes. Not that looks are the most important thing, of course. Chris says he doesn't know if Jason knows this, but this is the same deliberation room that DeAnna stood in. Jason says he didn't know that, instead of commenting on how fucking weird it would be if this house had a whole bunch of different deliberation rooms. And I'd also like to say right now that if one of the side effects of bringing back a rejected bachelor is that we have to hear about DeAnna all season, just like she wouldn't stop going on about what's his face last time, then I'd really rather we just pick a fresh bachelor time.
Anyway, Jason gets down to the business of picking the fifteen hottest women. I mean, the fifteen most compatible women. Chris asks about Shannon, who is, in her own words, "totally not a stalker." Jason says her knowledge was impressive, which is a rather generous way of looking at it. He says he knows where Shannon's coming from, because he wouldn't have come last time if it weren't for DeAnna. Yeah, and how'd that work out for you?
Raquel? "Incredibly sexy." Molly? He respects her for grabbing him away from Raquel. Sharon, who quit her job to be here? "I'm thinking about that, but I'm not going to give her a rose just because she left her job." I'd go further and say it's a reason, a really compelling one, to send her packing, but Jason's a nicer guy or a bigger idiot than I am. Chris asks his thoughts on all the single parents. Jason says he doesn't care one way or the other; if there's a connection, there's a connection, and if there are kids, the more the merrier.
Stephanie? He's impressed she got over her husband's death, whatever that's supposed to mean. Chris asks why he thinks the women voted for Megan, and Jason figures that she wasn't getting along with the others. It's important for him to see who gets along with whom, which I'm guessing means Megan's gone the first time Jason gets the chance. "Megan left the most important thing to meet me," he says, and they have a huge connection, so he says he would have given her a rose anyway.
So, anyway, is his wife in that room? Jason says he thinks so, because all the qualities are there. Chris wishes him luck, and Jason goes about looking at the pictures. "This is difficult," he voices over. "I'm not here to hurt people, but I'm here to find the love of my life."
Rose ceremony time! Nikki and Megan are safe, Nikki thanks to Jason, Megan thanks to the other women. Everyone looks awkward.
Thirteen roses left. Let the culling begin!
Jason comes out and thanks them, and says he had a blast. "But I have to make a difficult decision, an excruciating decision." He gives some lip service to the fact that he was on the other side of the room, and he says it's not any easier on this side. He does, however, feel like the luckiest guy alive. Did he feel like the luckiest guy alive when he was on the other side of the room? No? Then yes, it is easier where he is standing now.
He picks up the first rose. Lauren. Kari. He kept Kari after that poem? Must be for comedy's sake. Naomi. Naomi's kind of mean, but kind of funny too. I like her. Natalie's . I have very little opinion on Natalie just yet. Then there's M
olly, who interrupts Jason to accept her rose before he's even finished asking her. , Raquel, who probably didn't need to worry as much as she looks like she did. Stephanie's , a woman among girls. Melissa. "Oh!" she says. Jillian looks kinda pissed, but Jillian gets the one, and she goes in for a hug. Shannon. "I thought you would never ask," she says. I agree, with the word "hoped" instead of "thought." Then there's Lisa, who I barely remember from this night. Sharon goes , so she'll have to save the knife fight with Raquel for another evening. There's just one rose left. Please tell me Shelby's not going home. There's an awful lot of talent left in the room, I have to say. And Shelby's one and done! The rose goes to Erica! On the other hand, also going home are Renee, Nicole, Stacia (who says this was "the chance of a lifetime"). Renee can't believe this, because she envisioned this thing. She says she's perfect for Jason, because she's 36, and professional, and cute. Jackie says she feels like he's missing out. In a surprise move, she says she'd already planned out her perfect wedding to Jason, like ten times. She's totally hammered. "It's hard to think that I'm so great when so many other men who I've tried to start a life with say, 'you're just not great enough.'" Well, Jackie, try to be a little greater time.After the not-so-great (and Shelby) have been kicked out, Jason toasts the remaining women.
This season, on The Bachelor: Jason is awesome! And he sucks a lot of face. New Zealand is involved. And someone "literally" makes it onto cloud nine, which ought to make it awesome. Someone is a whore. And maybe that whore, or some other whore, is not there for the "right reasons." And DeAnna shows up, and I think we're supposed to think she wants him back. And Jason cries on a balcony. But the last preview clip shows Jason proposing and then hugging someone on a hilltop.
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