"It's the most dramatic season finale in Bachelor history," says Harrison.
We're in New Zealand, and Jason's at the Bay of Islands, and he's about to see Ty, who is already at the beach with some woman, and then Jason comes running in carrying a football, and they tackle each other, and it's all very "spontaneous" and not at all staged.
So they play on the beach and Jason tells us about how he can't fully fall in love with someone until they meet Ty. He's hoping Ty will help him figure things out. I think Ty would pick whoever gives him the most candy.
And now here comes Melissa running down the road and leaping into Jason's arms and wrapping her legs around his waist, and he says he's been looking forward to her meeting Ty since she came over that night when Ty had his tantrum. One or both of them say "amazing."
So they're going to go golfing, but not before some boring chit-chat about whether this is a make-or-break day or an icing-on-the-cake day, and Jason tells Melissa to be herself. Anyway, since they're with Ty, the golfing is really just heading out on some greens and putting.
"She was able to build a bond with him really quickly, and I'm talking within minutes," Jason tells us, and I guess Melissa did that with her knock-knock joke ("Otch." "Otch who?" "Bless you, did you just sneeze?"), and then Jason sneaks off because he's got a surprise for them.
"We were OK by ourselves," Melissa tells us, like Ty's a boy in a bubble instead of just a normal kid. And the surprise is ... a sheep? Jason has a little lamb in his arms, and Melissa tells it a joke, and the lamb looks really unimpressed with the whole thing, and I'm pretty sure it's thinking, "God, just eat me already. If I hear the word 'amazing' one more time I'm going to shit all over Jason's shirt."
So it's nap time for Ty, and now Melissa is going to meet Jason's parents. "I think they will all be overly protective," Jason says, because he's been divorced once and got stomped by DeAnna last season.
Jason's dad asks Melissa what her impressions of Ty were, and Melissa says she was "terrified" to meet him, and I think she's trying to make it seem like she's aware of how serious it is to become a stepmom, but Jesus. "Terrified"?
Jason's brother, Larry, tells us that he thinks the family held back asking more questions of DeAnna, so this time around they want to make sure they get all their questions answered. Chief among them, I imagine, is asking Jason, "Why the hell are you doing this show again?"
Jason talks about how he didn't get to meet Melissa's parents. Melissa says her dad told her meeting their potential future son-in-law is a private, sacred thing. And I think it's awfully shitty of Melissa, Jason and this show for somehow turning "Melissa's parents don't want a bunch of fucking television cameras in their faces when they meet their potential son-in-law" into "they wouldn't meet Jason." Did he offer to come by on his own?
Melissa goes out for some questioning by Jason's mother, while Jason talks to the other ones, and Melissa's parents' seemingly incomprehensible decision to not go on camera is the chief discussion.
And then Melissa is talking to Jason's brothers, who remind her that DeAnna seemed comfortable with the family too, and they ask her about her COMPLETELY SANE AND DIGNIFIED parents, because they seem to think Melissa's father's blessing is really important, and I can't imagine that I'd give my blessing to a potential son-in-law who was dating (at that point) three other women in addition to my daughter. I am hereby forming the Melissa's Parents Fan Club.
Anyway, I don't know. Ty shows up, and then Jason's dad talks to his son about how important it is that Jason and Ty be happy, and they hug. Jason's dad tells us that he thinks Melissa is just incredible, and he doesn't envy Jason having to choose between two women, and then there is some more hugging because Jason is escorting Melissa away, and Melissa tells us that what they saw today is that she can fit in Jason's world. I hate to tell her that "Jason's world" is not an all-expenses paid vacation in New Zealand. As Jason sees Melissa off in the car, he says as well as things went today, his family won't really have a clear picture until they meet Molly and see how he can see himself with both of them. I kind of think this would make things more confusing for them, but what do I know. When I proposed to my wife, it only received some regional media coverage and was a brief item on the CBC national news a couple of days later. I didn't get to go on Good Morning America or anything.
It's been a long time since I've paid any attention to commercials, but I feel the need to point out that the local news station is promoting a story tonight about getting longer, thicker eyelashes without makeup. Thank god there are still journalists willing to bring us the real stories, huh?
Second verse, lame as the first: here comes Molly, who hugs Jason enthusiastically but not as enthusiastically as Melissa did. Strike one, Molly! She tells us that it's a really big deal to meet Jason's son. We probably mostly knew that, Molly. Jason tells us that Molly hasn't been around kids a lot, so it's OK for her to be nervous. Well, as long as she has your permission. He tells her that he thinks she'll see a different part of him, and let's all hope that this is the non-douchey side. She tells Jason that when he talks about Ty, there's a little light in his eyes. Weird -- it's almost like this father loves his son.
So Ty is hanging out at a picnic table, and is not as high-energy as he was yesterday. Molly tries to give him five, and he totally leaves her hanging! Go, Ty! So they play Frisbee, and at first Ty doesn't want to throw to her. "I was freaking out," says Molly. And then he warms up, as kids do, and they go fly a kite on the beach. Jason tells us that Molly was "in the moment" and that's what he needed to see. Then they go looking for shells and fortunately Molly does not get stung by a jellyfish, necessitating Jason peeing on her. Weirdly, despite the fact that Molly plays golf, they don't go golfing.
So then Jason's family meets Molly, who is like one of two dozen women they've seen their son make out with on national television. Molly praises Jason again for "lighting up" when he talks about Ty. Jason's dad asks Molly about what her parents think of the whole thing. "My dad is, like, my world," says Molly, and she goes on about how her dad told her he'd never seen her "lit up" as she was with Jason, only I'm sure Molly's dad just meant she was drunk. Molly sparkles as she tells the family that she's in love with Jason.
"We're tired of seeing our brother get hurt," says one of Jason's brothers, which I think means they're as sick of him being on television as we are. The other brother asks her about whether she's ready to give up some of her freedom to be part of a family. She babbles on about how she had her wild and crazy time, which went on longer than it should have, but that's over. Except she still likes to go out with her friends and "let loose." Except she's "been there, done that." So just whatever answer you want to hear from Molly, she hopes she said it.
How long is this grilling going on? Do we really need to ask Molly if she would have a problem moving? Would any bachelorette say, "Ehhhh, yeah, that's a bit of an issue. I think I would be miserable in Seattle. I am not looking forward to leaving my home"?
And then Jason and his family talk about whether one woman or the other makes him light up more. And then Jason goes out to sit on the lawn and get some advice from his mom about what to do since he's completely in love with two different people. Mom doesn't call bullshit on that, but she offers some bullshit of her own when she points out that one of them has a career while the other might be a little more family-oriented. Jason pretends to get all choked up. Jason's mom tells us he doesn't know what he's going to do. "And that's the truth. He is so torn right now."
Surprise, surprise -- they both think the day went great. Jason tells Molly that he wouldn't do this with anyone he felt wouldn't get along great with the family. Well, except for the fact that he's required by this show to still be dating two women at this point.
So it's the day, I guess? Melissa's excited about seeing Jason today, but is still fretting about Jason not meeting her parents. She calls her mom and talks about how she's completely falling for Jason. "I absolutely told him I loved him, and that was huge," she says, and starts to cry. She tells her mom that he's already shown her "so much," including what she deserves. It's too bad that she doesn't think she deserves Jason's undivided attention.
She tells us it felt really good to talk to her parents about how she feels about Jason, and their future, and now they want to talk to Jason. Wow, too bad you never tried that back in Dallas, huh?
So the two of them meet up for their date on a windy, rainy day, and they're going boating. "My family absolutely, completely adores you," says Jason. Well, can you blame them? She's not all into having a career or anything! So they go on a two-hour boat tour around the Bay of Islands, and get all crazy by jumping in the water. "We didn't take our relationship to new heights, we kinda took it new depths! Ha ha ha!" Melissa tells us.
Then they're rinsing each other off and cuddling, and Melissa tells us she was the happiest she's ever been. So then Jason shows up at Melissa's house (her awesome glass-walled New Zealand place), and she says her parents want to talk to him. Jason's all excited, and asks what she thinks they want to say to him. Here's hoping it's "stay the fuck away from our daughter, you two-timer," but Melissa figures they're going to let him do most of the talking.
So they cuddle on the bed, and Melissa talks about how weird it is that in a couple of days their relationship is either going to be at the final level, or nothing. That's pretty goddamn messed up, actually. She tells him she loves him, and of course he doesn't say it back. Melissa tells us in a voiceover that she really wants him to say it back. Yeah, that's a little too much to ask for from a potential husband, right? "Know that I've never felt this way either," is his douchebag there-is-still-another-woman copout. And then he has to leave. Well, he doesn't have to. "If Jason gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him, I will absolutely say yes," says Melissa.
Now it's Molly's turn to spend a last day with Jason before he makes his final decision. It's another crappy, rainy day. "Today is all about Molly, and I'm going to push Melissa out of my mind, and live in the moment," he tells us. How romantic!
Molly says that since it was raining, she took matters into her own hands and brought him back to her place for a nice, romantic evening. She's got a couple of massage beds sets up. "Strip down, baby!" she tells him. So he lies on his stomach and she straddles him and he's all oiled up and she's rubbing his back, and I think I'm going to hurl. "You should put me in charge of dates more often," she tells him. Then he gets on his back and she continues to straddle him, and the two of them are making out. Man alive! "Jason cannot leave here tonight without knowing how much I want to be with him," she tells us. She calls him her "soulmate," which makes me shudder, but come to think of it, that's a word that's been fairly blessedly absent this season.
So they're at dinner, and Molly says something about how she was holding back one percent of herself, and she wants to give herself to him, and it's really inane, and then she says she's in love with him and it's "so awesome." And they make out. And she's got a gift for him, which is a homemade storybook with mementoes from their time together, like the sheet of paper she wrote her song on, and Jason tells us that sometimes a question is whether she shows emotion, but this book proves she does or whatever.
Jason's clearly thinking, "I gotta read this whole damn thing?" The book ends with "This is not the end, but only the beginning." And they kiss some more, and he says this is so sweet, and odds are he says it was amazing too, but my body parts are taking matters into their own hands and shutting down to save me. "I love you," Molly tells him. "You know I'm falling for you," he says. Not the same! Not romantic! Not how any sane person would go about this!
Jason thanks them for doing this, and says he understands how they're not comfortable with the cameras. Really? It hasn't sounded like either he or Melissa understood that. "It just made me feel better about everything and gave me the closure so that I could move forward." He says he's finally at peace with everything, and how there's three of them in the equation: him, Molly and Melissa. Yessirree Bob, there's certainly no wild card about to be played, right? "One thing's for sure: there's no way someone from my past is going to raise some questions for me. Hey, who's that at the door?"
Meanwhile, there's a car making it's way up the driveway, and someone getting out, and all we see are her legs, like we're not supposed to know who this is even though ABC has been relentlessly beating us over the head with the fact that DeAnna comes back.
"What are you doing here?" he says after he answers the door. Like he didn't know she was going to be there. She tells us she was nervous. "I came here because I lost out on a great man," she tells him, and then feeds him a bunch of bullshit about how she picked someone she was going to have a lot of fun with, and she didn't look past that (I've destroyed the tapes, but I'm pretty sure if I had them and checked, she probably said all the right things about being able to spend the rest of her life with Jesse), and if she were to do it differently she'd probably go a different route. Well, no kidding. In other words, "Jason, since it didn't work out with the guy I picked over you, I think maybe I'd do it differently." Please get off my screen, DeAnna!
"If I'd chosed [sic] you, it would have worked," she tells him. "You haven't proposed yet. You still have a chance. And that's why I'm here," she says. Oh, come on! You're here because you were offered money to be on television again!
He thanks her for coming here, but he's found two girls who he's completely fallen for. "If you're going to propose tomorrow, you should look further," she tells him. He says he has to follow his heart. "I wouldn't say follow your heart. I'd say lead it. I followed my heart," she says, even though a moment ago she said she followed her heart and her head, and it didn't work out. After he sees her out, she talks about how wonderful Jason is. "Any woman that gives him up is very, very stupid," she says. I agree with the assessment if not the reasoning, DeAnna.
Hey, did you know Jason's in love with two women? And he can see himself with both of them? He tells us again for the twelfth time tonight. He goes on about Molly, how the more he knows the more he can't get enough, and he's been falling in love with Melissa since their first date. Amazing. Unbelievable. "I thought I'd have it all figured out by now, but I'm more confused than ever." Because, in case you haven't heard, he's fallen in love with two women! Hey, Jason, go for a swim in your outdoor pool, and hold your thoughtful pose while we zoom out from somewhere far away. That's it! You look so natural!
Then Melissa and Molly each tell us how badly they want to marry the guy who's cheating on them. Although, to be fair, at this point he is cheating with only one other woman instead of several at the same time, so I guess he's currently the most faithful he's been to either of them.
So then some woman named Emily shows up to show him some rings. Try not to fall in love with her too, guy. While she shows him a bunch of rings, he says he was trying to figure out which ring represents "them."
So: time to make the biggest decision of his life. "I am completely torn between two women," he says. We see the women getting ready. Molly is like "oxygen," he tells us: "You can't get enough of it." Actually, you can. Moron. And Melissa has the biggest heart of all. We see him close the ring box. "I've made my decision. I know what I'm going to do."
Melissa does her hair and tells us she does believe in fate. Molly gets her dress ready and says in a perfect world, he'd be telling her that he loved her. In an interview, Jason tells us that being in love with two women "sucks." Well, for one thing, we wind up with television shows like this. He looks like he's about to start crying. But by this point, I've come to think he's a big faker. There he is getting Ty ready as well. He puts on his suit jacket. I'd be listening to what he's saying, but I'm just substituting classic scenes from my favorite movies in my head. It's much better this way. My way has a Hanson brother saying, "I'm trying to listen to the fucking song!"
Molly puts on her blue-purple dress, and Melissa puts on her cream dress, and they head out to the limos so they can ride out to either Proposal Point or Execution Escarpment. Melissa calls it scary and says she's not ready to lose him.
And then there's Jason walking out to his spot and saying that after everything he's been through, it was all worth it, and says something about this being a reward that he and Ty need.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for: the final credits! No, wait. There's more! Jason stands at Proposal Point, looking like he's passing a kidney stone. The first limo arrives, and Harrison greets ... Molly. First runner-up! As Chris leads her halfway down the boardwalk, she says words like "butterflies" and "fairytale". She thinks this is going to be an amazing moment.
Jason greets her. "Before you say anything, I want you to know this is the most amazing journey I've ever been on," she says. He tells her that every time she looks at him "with those eyes," she's amazing, "absolutely stunning and amazing." He says he doesn't know how he could ever let her go. And she knows. You can tell she knows. "But I have to," he says. That's it, Jason. Let your voice break as you tell her you wish you had some good reasons, other than that you're in love with someone else. But aren't you also in love with her? "So sorry," he says. Puss. She shakes her head slightly and says she doesn't understand. "I think you've made a mistake. A big one." He tells her he'll walk her out. She glares at the camera.
"I just don't get it," she whispers to him, and as they get back to the house, she tells him he's making a mistake, and that he's going to get hurt again, because Melissa's going to wake up and realize this wasn't the life she wanted. "All I can say is I think you're wrong," he says. "I hope I am," she says, because he deserves someone really great.
He walks her through the house, back to the limo, weirdly STARING at her the whole time. "Everything was real," he says. Listen, asshole: don't try to make sure that she still likes you. You're dumping her. Let her hate you a little. Don't try to keep her thinking that you're a nice, sensitive guy.
She gets in the limousine, and Jason makes his sad face. She wipes tears from her eyes (real tears, not "see how sensitive I am" Jason tears). And then there's the annoying shot of him looking anguished on the balcony (the one that this show tried to make us think was a result of DeAnna's visit), and now he is fake-crying. That's it, Jason. Put on a good show. I mean, aren't you now in love with someone else? Fortunately, the cameras were well-placed off the balcony to capture you and your phony-baloney reaction.
In the limousine, Molly says she's shocked. She thought she was going to pick up her life and move to Seattle and be a stepmom. "Apparently Jason was not in love with me." No, he was! You should see all his interviews! She repeats that she thinks he's making a mistake and is going to get hurt.
"It hurts so bad," says Jason. God, shut UP, Jason. Molly got dumped, she's not proposing to someone else, and she's handling it better than this embarrassing display of yours.
The final, final, final rose! "It hurts so bad to let Molly go," says Jason, who says that part of him wants to be there for her as a friend. Wow, would that be a bad idea.
But on to Melissa: "Putting that ring on her finger is going to be amazing," he says. He tells us that she was "probably" one of the prettiest girls he'd ever met. Aw, "probably." Not just "possibly," you guys!
Melissa arrives. She tells us she was "definitely having a mix of emotions," because he's either going to take her heart or break her heart. "If Jason doesn't pick me, it'll be devastating."
She joins him at Proposal Point. He tells her that on their very first date, he started falling for her. Yeah, and falling for a whole bunch of other women too! (He wisely doesn't bring that up.) From the way he's talking, you can tell she knows where this is heading (like Molly did). He tells her that he's in love with her, and she hops up and down and hugs him, and then he gets down on one knee and says he loves her and asks her to marry him. There's a weird, obviously shot at a different point clip of him opening the ring box. She asks him for a second so she can turn around and scream, and then she crouches down. Maybe the ring should go to the telltale pinky ring, hey? And then after she accepts the ring, he offers her the final rose, because that's not an anti-climax at all. "I love you, I love you with all my heart," he says, and they spin around in an embrace.
The happy couple hugs for the camera and Molly says she's the happiest girl in the world, and he claims to be the happiest man in the universe. Dude, just give me until after the second After the Final Rose special and I will TOP you. And then Ty joins them back at the house, and everybody hugs and they jump in the pool fully clothed. Everyone's so happy! Spoiler alert: It won't last!