By Shack
Previously: Alex Michel -- a creepy, dead-eyed, smirking tool -- pretended that he was interested in getting married in order to star in his own reality show. Millions watched in horrified fascination to see whether this guy would actually follow through with the show's central premise. He picked Amanda Marsh, the blonde girl with the biggest breasts. According to several entertainment news reports, their "relationship" evaporated almost the moment the cameras stopped rolling.
Bring me men! Men as dumb as mountains! The new season opens with a clip show of dozens of WASPy white men in various states of activity and undress. The host, Chris Harrison, narrates that thousands of these morons submitted entries to be considered as the self-absorbed tool to stand around and smirk while women fight for his love, because that's the foundation of a good relationship right there. There isn't a single person of colour in all the clips they show. Tonight, we'll meet the five final candidates for the first bachelor of the season, along with the twenty-five women who will debase themselves to "win" him. We'll also "catch up" with Alex and Amanda in an "exclusive interview" for some pathetic ABC-driven attempt at damage control, all before finding out which tool was chosen to make us recoil in horror for the few episodes before the show gets canceled. I can't wait. During the opening of the show, we see shots of the bachelor in his tuxedo, holding a rose. In order to increase the tension, they only show him from the back, or do close-ups of his smile. Unfortunately, we can tell that he's blond, and since there's only one blond finalist, it's completely obvious who it is, so nice try, dipshits.
Chris greets us in front of the mansion that was used as the setting last season. Like the hosts of Temptation Island and Looking for Love, Chris is a sad, pathetic man whose job is to make us think that this show is really about finding love, and not the awful public train-wreck of romantic dysfunction that it actually is. Chris insists to us in all seriousness that he was "bombarded" with questions since the end of last season. Questions like, "When the hell are you going to pay the rent?" and, "Where is the spinach salad I ordered?" I'd bet. He insists that people want to know whether Alex and Amanda are together, and when they'll "turn the tables" and let a woman choose. Quit lying to me. Nobody asked you shit. Nobody even recognizes you. Regardless, we'll get those answers tonight. Well, we'll get "answers" tonight. Whether we should believe them is another question entirely.
But first, bring me men! Bring me men so dull and plain! More clips of men auditioning to be on the show. There's an Asian-American man and a Latino man, finally. Men tell us all how wonderful they are. Men take their shirts off. Men videotape themselves in the shower or while holding a bunny. Men do magic tricks and admit that they're still virgins. The producers of the show decide to break the fourth wall, because they think we care at all about the selection process. Some dweeb explains that the man they choose must not only be willing to get married (or at least insist that he is); he also has to "grab the attention" of twenty-five beautiful women. As long as there's a cameraman within the sightline of the bachelor, I'm thinking that won't be a problem. Producers watch the clips. They talk about the guys. Chris explains that they have to narrow it down to one guy. Duh. One of the bachelors says in an interview, "We're all unique. But I think I'm a little more unique." I hope there aren't any English teachers among the ladies. A producer insists that they don't want a man who is just "looking for chicks." You should be more concerned about the men who are just looking to get on television. Some Chipster insists that women find him sexy "in almost every capacity." Chris narrates that the bachelor must be financially secure, though he doesn't need to be a millionaire. He also needs to look good with his shirt off, apparently. Chris goes on to insist that what they're looking for most of all is "sincerity." Ha ha ha ha ha! No, really. He says that. I think what they should be looking for most is a dictionary. Would anybody who was sincere about finding a life partner be willing to make a contest out of it? Of course not. Idiots. Shut up. Eventually the producers narrowed the field down to five finalists: Mark, John, Jason, Aaron, and Robert. We'll be seeing profiles of each of them tonight, and then they'll announce which one they've chosen as "The Bachelor."
Our first finalist is Mark, thirty-four, a U.S. Air Force Captain. Mark thinks he bears a resemblance to Tom Cruise in Top Gun. He totally doesn't. They have the same hair color. That's it. Mark takes off his shirt. He's got a pretty good body. Mark swims around. Mark explains that he was engaged once, and that it didn't work out. A friend tells us that Mark is a "sincere and genuine man." Mark bikes around in spandex shorts. He says something utterly incomprehensible to the effect that people need to get through his shell or whatever to find out what he's truly like. Beware of anybody who feels the need to describe himself as "deep." Those people never are. Ever. He thinks that he has a lot of "qualities that someone would like to be with." Good oral skills obviously aren't one of those qualities. Well, at least not the oral skills they show on camera. He explains that the Air Force is part of his life. He says he goes shopping in his flight suit. He says he's looking for a woman who "complements" him and vice versa. How romantic. He stares over the ocean in his red baseball cap, tank top, and biker shorts. He thinks that finding somebody would be "fantastic." Personally, I think he's a closet case, and that he has hit the career wall in the military and needs a "wife" to socialize with the other military wives and say good things about him to their hubbies so he can get a promotion. But that's just me.
Commercials. ABC tries to convince us that Push, Nevada is the best new series on television. Yesterday at work, I read a wire story about how media analysts are already predicting that ABC will be the big "loser" when it comes to primetime viewers this year. ["Again. That's what you get for deciding that your programming strategy should focus on 'family' shows. Because families watch videos, and go to bed at 9:30." -- Wing Chun]
When we return, it's time to meet Bachelor #2: Jason, thirty, a recruiter from San Francisco. Never in the history of reality television has anybody engendered in me the level of white-hot hatred that Jason does in less than two minutes of airtime. Even Brian Dunkleman took a couple of episodes. Even Josh from Big Brother took thirty minutes. This is the guy who thinks he is "more unique" than us. Jason introduces himself by telling us that he's America's most-eligible bachelor. Jason is allergic to shirts. He explains that he wants to find a woman who isn't interested in money. He says that he wants a woman who will love him even if he gives her a ring out of aluminum foil or takes her to the "Target snack bar." He kind of had me, but then he lost me. He starts off acting like he doesn't want a gold-digger, but ends up sounding like he wants a partner with absolutely no expectations of attention from him. And it sounds like he has no interest in giving her any, either. He exercises in that park where they shoot everything in San Francisco in because it has a background view of the Golden Gate bridge. A friend explains that he nominated Jason because he's the "quintessential bachelor." Jason explains that he lives in a bachelor pad that is "without a woman." He makes her sound like a home furnishing: "I used to keep my woman in the living room, but she clashed with the wallpaper, so I moved her to the dining room." Jason says he lives his life by three "creeds": "Timing is everything; actions speak louder than words; and you can't put a price tag on fun." In the unlikely event you need more warning signals about avoiding this guy, never date somebody who lives his life according to a collection of predictable clichés. Jason says, "There's [sic] not a lot of people like me. And I mean that in a non-conceited way." Sadly, there are far too many men like Jason -- narcissistic twits who confuse their own self-absorption with honesty.
The producers diplomatically observe that Jason is "very self-confident." The guy suffers from a serious affliction of the Raging Assholes. Let's not beat around the bush. Oh god, there's more. He insists that he has the body of a twenty-one-year-old (he doesn't), and says that the women of San Francisco "revere [him] as a sexual object." I occasionally make jokes about hitting obnoxious people on television, but if I were in the same room as this guy, I really, really would have to restrain myself from physically attacking him. He says that he has "sexual relations" with three different women right now. I think he's lying. I really do. He's not even that attractive. A producer observes that Jason is "very smooth, and very, very into himself." What more could you want from the man of your dreams? Jason summarizes himself perfectly by saying, "I can't be cognizant of anybody but myself. If that's not good enough for them, that's fine." Why exactly is he looking for a wife? He worries, "My biggest fear is, 'Will they like me for who I am inside?'" No, they won't. Ick. He blathers on some middle-management speak about "going the distance" and blah blah blah. He says he's prepared to consider the possibility of marriage if he's chosen as the bachelor. If he's chosen as the bachelor, I will start mailing Wing Chun my used Dr. Scholl's odor-eaters in the hopes of getting fired. ["Rookie. I married Glark. Do you really think I can be fazed by bad smells?" -- Wing Chun]
And now, it's time to start gawking at the ladies who have serious esteem issues. We see clips of women in bikinis, women dancing, and women working out, as Chris narrates the process the show used to gather the girls who will actually compete against each other in order to try to land a husband. Chris explains that the difference between this search and the search for the bachelor is that they're looking for twenty-five women, not one. This show is so complicated. I'm not sure if I can keep up. We get another montage of audition clips. Women in skimpy clothing. Women with big breasts. For some reason, an elderly woman sent in an audition tape to be considered for the show. Ha ha! It's funny when old people try to act like actual human beings and date and stuff.
The show took additional steps to track down pretty bimbos who want to be on television by holding open "auditions" across the country. How creepy is it to go to an audition to have strangers determine whether or not you're potential marriage material? One of the women tells a producer that she's modeled for Playboy. Chris narrates that some of them were nervous, but most of them were excited at the prospect of meeting "the man of their dreams." Even though they don't know who he is, what he looks like, or a single thing about him, they're sure he's Mister Right. This show makes me so happy that I'm gay. The producers look over all the candidates. Chris explains that the women they choose must be single, between the ages of twenty-one and thirty-five (sorry, Granny), and "adventurous" (which is reality-show code for "will take all her clothes off in front of the camera). I assume they must also have large breasts, because that's what the clips are focusing on. In a couple of shots, we don't even see the women's heads! She should also be ready to get married (duh), intelligent (shot of big breasts, then a candidate explaining that she works as an "analyst" at an engine shop), ambitious (shot of big breasts, then a woman explaining that she wants to be "incredibly famous"), and of course, attractive (clip show of big-breasted women in swimsuits).
Producers narrowed the field down to forty women, and then gave them all psychological evaluations. Those who passed were rejected. They were also given medical exams, and we get to see some woman's pee in a specimen bottle. Ew. The producers then interviewed the women to make sure that they really wanted to go on the show to land a husband. They don't want another Alex Michel on their hands. Of course, how many women do they think would show up if they held a contest like this but declined to televise it? Clips of women insisting that they want to get married. One woman accidentally outs herself as bisexual, or it was just a slip of the tongue. The women all describe their perfect man. The producers ask each contestant how she intends to "win" her man away from the other women so that they can make sure they get some good, catty bitches. Clips of women dancing and singing, for some reason. Maybe they think Simon Cowell is The Bachelor. Finally, they reveal which twenty-five women they've chosen, and I'll be damned if I'm going to list them all. Half of them will probably get no screen time anyway, so what's the point? I think 70% of the women are blonde. Five of them have exactly the same hairstyle. I'm going to have a hard time telling them all apart. There's an Asian-American woman. There's one of either Middle Eastern or Latin American descent. There's one African-American. There's one of Indian descent. The montage ends with the last woman insisting that she wants a ring with a "big rock." Yup, these women are certainly in it for the right reasons.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the third bachelor: Robert, thirty-six, a director of business development for a financial software company in New York. He's a salesman, isn't he? I also want to point out that Robert is a year older than the cut-off age for the women. Niiiiice. Robert works out and pretends to talk on his cell phone, while Chris narrates that Robert was nominated by his mother first ("I want a grandchild, dammit! He's not getting any younger!"), but then by three other women who knew him as well. In his audition tape, Robert says that he hasn't had a girlfriend for a while, but that he hopes this show would help him "pull it together." Yeah, if you can't work out a relationship in private, trying to do it on national television is a definite fix. Chris insists that Robert works "24/7" as a businessman. It turns out Robert works from home. I suspect "director of business development for a financial software company" is code for "guy who spams you with email pyramid schemes." They show him working on his laptop to prove that he's some bigwig (look! He uses computers! He must be rich and important!) and blathering on about having global partnerships. Probably to import those herbal creams that guarantee erections that last hours long, if my email junk box is any indication. Robert explains that he's at the point in his life where he wants to look over when he wakes up in the morning and see his wife there. Probably so he can wake her up and demand that she make breakfast for him. Chris insists that Robert isn't some "pick-up artist." He explains that he doesn't approach people in bars or toss out stupid lines. But he's willing to go on a reality show and go on cheesy, manufactured dates with multiple women? Sorry, I'm not buying what he's selling. And I don't just mean the herbal cream. He sees this show as an "opportunity" to disappear for a few weeks and focus on "meeting somebody." Great, the guy's treating marriage like a business trip. That's a good sign. He concludes, "I guess I have every quality except for one -- a wife." A wife is a quality now? Is that better or worse than Jason treating a wife like furniture?
Back at the mansion, Chris lies that "people" have been wanting to know whether the show would reverse the formula -- a bachelorette picking from twenty-five men. These "people" already know that you are because it was announced months ago that Trista Rehn, one of Alex's rejectees, was going take center stage later this season. Oh god, time for ridiculous levels of hyperbole. As they show clips of Alex choosing Amanda last season, Chris narrates, "[Alex] left Trista broken-hearted. Men all over the country were shocked. How could he pass up a beautiful, intelligent woman like Trista?" I don't believe a single adjective or adverb in those sentences, nor about half the nouns. I even have doubts about some of the articles. A creepy, smirking Alex tells Trista through his little pursed lips that they aren't right for each other, because Amanda has bigger breasts and is a little kinky. Trista cries in a cab and declares that she'll get over it. I'm sure after seeing what has happened between Alex and Amanda, she's probably thrilled not to have been chosen. Ooh, more lies. We see Trista at a bunch of photo shoots, clearly doing publicity shots for the show. Chris narrates that when word got out that Trista would be back in a leading role season, "media outlets across the country wanted to speak with her." Let me translate that: When ABC asked Trista to return season, they (and parent company Disney) ordered all their local affiliates and media properties to cover the non-news. We see Trista interviewed by some loser. It's obviously part of some media conference thing, and the room she's in is completely empty except for this crew. Nobody cares. More clips of media synergy in action. Chris narrates, "When Trista was sent home that day, she became America's sweetheart." What the hell? Hey, ABC; don't let your publicity department write scripts for your shows. It's embarrassing. By way of evidence, they force two interns to pretend to be "people on the street" and insist that Alex picked the wrong girl.
All this nonsense isn't quite enough, though. Chris has a one-on-one interview with Trista about her preparations for her upcoming role as the bachelorette. Which, god willing, we'll never see because the show will be cancelled by then. Was she shocked when Alex didn't pick her? Yes, she was. I just want to let you all know that every time I have to type something about the bachelor "picking" somebody to marry, my hands curl into fists and I have to stop typing. But then the girls start blathering about how much they want to be picked and blah blah blah, and I realize they're all getting what they deserve. Would Trista had said yes if Alex had picked her? Yes, she would have at the time. Which I assume means she wouldn't now, but she doesn't say so. Is she ready to get married? What sort of dumb-ass question is that? Yes, she is. Chris asks her about the "pressure" she may feel being the first bachelorette. Yeah, I'm sure NOW and any number of feminist groups, individuals, and certain highly evolved animals are totally going to change their minds about this show if Trista truly represents for the ladies, you know? Trista says she's ready. Chris asks her how "intimate" she's willing to get. Ew! He just asked her if she's willing to have sex on-camera! Trista says that she doesn't intend to look like "a tramp." She insists that she's looking for a "serious relationship." But, she adds that how they kiss and how the guys "share intimacies" with her is a factor in her decisions. So the answer is yes; she will have sex on-camera. Chris brings up some admission of Trista's from last season that she's never had an orgasm during sex. That's true. Chris asks her how she thinks the guys are going to respond to this admission. I don't have words anymore. I'm just flailing my hands around blankly trying to formulate some way of explaining how much this turn in the conversation is skeeving me out. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with people talking about sex on television at all. It's this whole creepy speculation that pretty much boils down to, "You think one of these guys are going to give you the big 'O'?" Trista suggests that perhaps she'll set up some sort of competition. But not a "trampy" competition, mind you. Just a dignified, ladylike contest to see which man gives her an orgasm first. She insists that she's joking. Yeah, right.
Commercials. When we return it's time for Aaron, twenty-eight, a banker from Springfield, MI. Although he's actually from Springfield, MO, so great work on the fact-checking. Aaron is the beefy blond jock who screwed every cheerleader at your high school. Aaron is the vice-president for a string of "family-owned" banks across the Midwest. Aaron is featured prominently as a model on a billboard for said banks, so clearly he's a member of the family in question. Hooray for nepotism! Aaron explains that he makes important decisions every day. Wow, I hope I get to make important decisions someday, too. Aaron is also a pilot and can play the piano. He's building his own restaurant. You know who builds their own restaurants? Bored dilettantes who don't need to worry about making ends meet. I bet he put in about twelve hours of actual work on the place. We see clips of him making coffee and cleaning the kitchen with his shirt off. Some bank employee is forced to tell us all that Aaron would make a great husband or else she'll get fired. Aaron explains that he grew up in southwest Missouri and got a degree there in mechanical engineering, then traveled to Italy for a year. Then he later got his MBA and joined daddy's business. He sounds like Dickie from The Talented Mr. Ripley, except replace Jude Law with Marc Blucas. They show his last name (Buerge) on one of his diplomas. I looked it up online, and the only accomplishment I was able to find of his was starting a new chapter of The Rotary Club in Oklahoma. Oh, and he went to one of the worst colleges in Missouri's state system. He's a dumb jock. A handsome and seemingly nice dumb jock, but a dumb jock nevertheless. Aaron zooms around on a speedboat that was probably a graduation present from Daddy. He blathers that he's not perfect blah blah blah finding the right partnercakes.
Back at the mansion, Chris insists that it "takes a rare person to search for a soulmate on national television." I wouldn't exactly call thousands of desperate people begging to be on your show "rare." Chris insists that last season, The Bachelor was event television. Okay, that's not entirely inaccurate. It certainly did get a lot of press and viewers. Chris adds that there were even Bachelor parties. By way of proof, we get clips of a bunch of girls at a sorority house watching the show along with their gay sidekicks. You know, I don't want to generalize sorority girls, but...well, gathering around to watch a show about landing a husband? It doesn't exactly change my impression of them. And I am not going to sit here and describe people watching last season's shows. Other than pointing out that these sorority girls are just as tense over who is going to be picked as are the actual women on the show. Scary and sad.
Speaking of scary and sad, here are a handful of ABC actors/personalities, along with some other C-list celebrities telling us how much they love the show. Dennis Franz insists that he watched the show. Stars I don't recognize loved the show. Mario Lopez watched the show. Kathy Griffin watched the show. Why the hell are we watching commercials for the damned show during the show? We're here! Stop telling us how much people loved the show and show the damned show! Jerry Springer and his audience support the show. More clips from last season. The people behind the show desperately try to convince us and themselves that the show will remain popular this season. So very sad.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to meet our final finalist: John, thirty-five, a financial consultant from New Hope, PA. John drives a Lexus. John shaves while wearing just a towel. He tells us he's looking for the right woman. John is completely and utterly nondescript. I'm surprised he even shows up on film. A friend explains that he nominated John because John is the perfect "all-around bachelor." I didn't realize there were categories of bachelor, other than "confirmed bachelors" such as myself. Why is John such a catch? Because he can sing in Italian. But not very well. A producer insists to us that John is "sincere" and "engaging" as they show clips of John playing golf. John was an accounting major in college, but he hated it, so he became a financial consultant instead. What the hell is a financial consultant, anyway? Isn't that just a freelance accountant? John's house is located on the edge of a lake and has a pretty view. Yeah, that's a good reason to marry a guy: for the view. He explains that he hasn't gotten married yet because he's "very particular." Well, no doubt somebody who's really particular will be able to find the perfect woman out of a pool of twenty-five whole people selected for him by strangers. He says that he told his parents not to be surprised if he just comes home married one day. I'm sure they won't be surprised if they see you getting engaged to a woman on a television show, nitwit. Also, aren't you going to invite your parents to the wedding? Or, you know, at least tell them in advance?
Put on your hip boots and grab your shovels! It's time to catch up on our "happy" "couple" from last season, Alex and Amanda. We get clips of Alex smirking creepily and giving Amanda a ring, and then taking it back. Chris sits down with them for what he described in the entertainment press as a no-holds-barred interview with "tough" questions. Apparently, in Chris's dictionary, that equates to assisting the show in bullshitting the viewers into thinking that something ever came of last season and that this show isn't an awful, embarrassing travesty. Chris starts by pointing out that there have been "rumors" about Amanda and Alex, and starts off by asking them whether they are still together. Amazingly -- despite the existence of direct interviews with Amanda that ran just months ago insisting that the two of them were no more -- they insist that they're still together. Alex lives in Los Angeles and Amanda lives in Kansas City, but they insist that they're still seeing each other regularly. My theory about this steaming pile of bullshit is that ABC realized that this show will totally bomb if it was clear that the first season totally failed to deliver the goods, and they begged or paid these two to come back and claim that they're still together. That's just a theory and opinion, mind you. Hear that, Disney lawyers? An opinion. They blather on about how shocked they were that they became famous because the show was such a hit. Amanda holds Alex's hands in her lap, while he endeavors to have as little contact with Amanda's body as humanly possible while still sitting to her. Chris brings up the issue of everybody thinking Alex is gay. Is he? No he's not. It's all very Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. He's really not gay. He's not. He's not gay. He's not gay. Stop saying he's gay! He's not gay! He's not! Chris said that had to be a tough rumor to deal with. Oh, fucking please. The poor baby! This discussion goes on and on and on. Alex can't be gay! He kissed girls! And it's physically impossible for gay men to kiss girls! Alex dismisses it as wishful thinking. Ew. God, how full of himself. I think I can speak for many, many, many gay men when I say, not on your best day, toolbox.
Chris asks them what they think is going to happen with the new bachelor. Amanda points out that he'll be making out with all the girls, because that's what "[her] boyfriend" did, because he's not gay! Chris asks Amanda if she has any advice. She advises him not to make out with all the girls, like "[her] boyfriend" did. Geez, get the fuck over it. You went on a reality show where you competed with twenty-four other women to fling yourself at a man. You have absolutely no moral high ground. None. Even if the two of you were still actually together. And you're not. She further advises the bachelor to remember that these women have feelings, too. Alex advises the new bachelor not to puke (no, really) and not to "overthink" things. Yeah, you're just trying to find a wife. It's not something worth worrying about. Chris explains that the hard part about the show was toward the end, because it became a "parade of break-ups" every week. Apparently, Alex didn't realize that these other women would become attached to him or anything. It's not like he encouraged that sort of thing, what with the dating and kissing and flowers. Chris reveals that this is Alex and Amanda's last network interview together about their status as a couple. Of course, that means nobody can challenge them over the reality of their "relationship." So, if you see one of them on television without the other one, that doesn't mean they're not together. They're just not doing interviews together because they aren't talking about their relationship. They haven't broken up. They haven't!
Now that the show has stopped flinging steaming fresh piles of bullshit our way, it's time to reveal this season's first bachelor. It's Aaron, the heir to the "banking empire." There is nothing based out of Springfield, Missouri, that can accurately be called an empire, but whatever. The producers insist that Aaron is a "total catch for any woman." One truly delusional producer claims that Aaron will capture "the attention of the nation." Aaron smiles in his tuxedo. Aaron rubs a rose across his naked back. How creepy. Aaron is all excited and happy. The producers explain that Aaron was slightly better than all the other candidates in every category. Aaron tells us that he gets great responses from people because he's so genuine. Don't ever trust somebody who has to tell you that he's genuine. It's the same as the "deep" thing. He also tells us that he's modest and gracious. We get another clip show of Aaron's "accomplishments" of having been born to the right family. He tells us that dating in front of America doesn't bother him at all because he is who he is, whatever the hell that could possibly mean. He concludes the show by saying that he's sure he could find somebody among the women who he would want to marry.
week: Aaron kisses women all over the place. Sad, sad women claim to have fallen in love at first sight. Women fight and yell and stuff. Another woman practically loses her mind at the thought that Aaron doesn't love her. Shack develops a drinking problem.