By Shack
Previously: Christi loved Aaron. Even though she barely knows him, she is "so feeling him," and they're going to be together forever and ever and have lots of babies and live in a Thomas Kinkade painting. Anindita and Frances chose themselves and ran away.
We open with the same -week teaser we saw at the end of last week's episode. Tonight, the ten women will be pared down to six, with the help of a couple of Aaron's friends. Christi insists she's not crazy, which is exactly something a crazy person would say. See, I read Catch-22. Brooke cries some more. Christi cries some more. Chris lies that we'll have the "most dramatic invitation night yet." Lies. Aaron reminds us all how hard these decisions are. There isn't a violin tiny enough to play the appropriate sad song for Aaron's predicament.
A limo pulls up in front of the Malibu Dream House, and Chris opens the door to greet Melissa and Ryan. Melissa and Ryan are friends of Aaron's who have been dragged out here to participate in this huge farce. They're brother and sister. Melissa looks just like any of the other blondes. For a moment, I thought they might have dragged one of the first-round rejectees back, but no. Ryan looks like a cross between Carson Daly and Michael McDonald from Mad TV. They both seem completely harmless and thoroughly uninvolved in this oh-so-important decision. Chris brings them into the house and introduces them to the bachelorettes. Melissa and Ryan will be hanging around the Malibu Dream House for the couple of days. During that time, Aaron will go on one-on-one dates with two of the women. The remaining women will be split up for two group dates. How will they decide who gets the individual dates? Aaron will tell Melissa and Ryan which two he wants to go out with, and they'll choose them. Oh wait, that's what probably really happened. What they actually tell us is going to happen is that Melissa and Ryan will interview all the women and ask them a bunch of questions that they allegedly came up with. They'll pick the two that they think are most compatible with Aaron, and those two women will get the individual dates.
Montage of the interviews out by the pool. What is one thing that you would change about yourself? Bleah, what a crappy job-interview question. That's one of those questions you're supposed to turn around somehow so that you show off an admirable quality, like, "I'm just a terrible workaholic. Always on the job. I don't remember the last time I took a vacation." Gwen says that she wishes she weren't so indecisive. That does seem to be a trait of people with large foreheads, if Dawson Leery and Sydney Bristow are any indication. Christi says that she's "a pretty emotional person. But not in a bad way." Ha! Thirty seconds and Christi has already made a fool of herself. See, she didn't actually stab Suzanne to death with a corkscrew out at Napa Valley, so she wasn't emotional in a "bad way." Brunette Heather says, "In God's eyes, I think I'm perfect." See, she's good enough for God. Who is Aaron to judge? Clearly, if he doesn't give her a rose, he's going straight to Hell. And I thought we were all sinners in God's eyes? Oh wait, we're both perfect and sinners in God's eyes. I can't imagine how religion has led to so many wars. Shannon can't remember the name of her favorite movie. Hayley says The Parent Trap. Blonde Heather says Hope Floats. How important is sex in a relationship? Brunette Heather sees it as "making love." Whatever. They haven't asked her anything that has caused her to have to swerve from her stockpile of beauty-pageant answers. Brooke makes some comparison to test-driving a car, but we don't actually get a real answer. I think that means that she likes sex. Kyla is a virgin. She tells them so. She's a virgin! And don't you forget it! She says she's the wrong person to ask about sex. Well, if she feels the need to mention at every available opportunity that she's a virgin, then she clearly has opinions about where sex fits into a relationship. Melissa laughs when she reads a question about whether the women would prefer "candlelight or candle wax." I don't think they even saw these questions in advance. A producer probably handed them to the siblings and told them just to read them off. The women are embarrassed at the question. Angela picks wax. Helene picks candlelight. Hayley picks both.
So based on those incredibly probing questions, Ryan and Melissa were able to decide who gets the first date. A Martha Stewart gift box arrives, and the girls open it up to find a bunch of junk and a card with Helene's name on it. In an interview, Ryan tells the camera that they picked Helene because she presents "a bit of a challenge," which keeps Aaron "more interested." I don't believe for a minute that they were able to determine that from the questions we heard. I'm sure the two of them were filled in on Aaron's interactions with the bachelorettes. Helene reads the card out loud; she's invited to a concert, but is told to "come as [she is]." The other women all pretend to be happy, except Christi, of course. In an interview, Aaron repeats that Helene is "a challenge," but that he loves her "natural beauty." Can I just express my complete and utter revulsion in these guys treating Helene like she's a mountain that needs to be conquered? Her independence is "a challenge"? I don't know -- maybe I'm reading too much into it. I would certainly want a partner who "challenges" me as well. But something about Aaron's attitude suggests to me that he thinks that Helene is like some wild stallion that needs to be tamed. She's not even all that outspoken or anything. She just refuses to throw herself at Aaron. It's like The Taming of the Shrew, but without the shrew.
Aaron picks Helene up in his red convertible coupe. I'm sure that car is a product-placed rental to the show. Aaron tells us all that he's looking forward to the date. You know, if you don't have anything new to say, you don't actually have to talk. Their first stop is at some shop called Nicole Miller to pick out an outfit for Helene for the date. ["Aw, Shack! Nicole Miller is a big-time schmancy designer." -- Wing Chun] There's something creepy about this whole part, and it's not just the Pretty Woman vibe. I guess I find the whole deal of Aaron commenting on all of Helene's choices rather overly familiar for their first private date together. Where was Helene when Aaron was picking out his clothes? Why is she the one who has to stand there and listen to a critique of her fashion choices? They closed down the whole shop so that these two can traipse around for as long as they please. ABC used that money that they had set aside for quality programming to pay for the shop's lost sales, I would bet. Helene looks at stuff. She pretends to care. I find it amusing that Aaron loved the fact that Helene wasn't high-maintenance last episode, yet here he is, dragging her all over the place, trying to get her all prettied up. Aaron swoons over a red dress, claiming that "red is [his] weakness." But what he really loves is a pair of black and silver stretch pants that show off Helene's pert behind like nobody's business. They are really not very classy. It looks like something a hooker would wear to a court appearance in the hopes that it made her look less trashy than the miniskirt and fishnet stockings she normally wears. Aaron's very proud of himself for having picked them out. Helene is uncomfortable. She makes a comment about walking with her hands behind her back so that she can cover her ass. Clearly she doesn't like these pants, but Aaron is a total clod and doesn't pick up on that. He's too busy staring at Helene's sweet, sweet can. Helene even tells Aaron outright that she doesn't want to wear the pants, but he keeps on pushing her. What a jackass. But, after trying on some more dresses, Helene decides to go ahead and wear the pants, along with a black tube top. Classy. At least the top is large enough that she isn't baring her torso. In an interview, Aaron declares that by picking this outfit, Helene was showing her more "outgoing" side. Any compassion I had for Aaron (which couldn't fill a thimble as it was) is gone with that remark. He's a tool. And Helene has nobody to blame for humoring him, either.
Back at the Malibu Dream House, Christi is all over Melissa, hoping that a key to a man's heart is through his friends. She tells Melissa that she's so happy that the siblings are there. I'm surprised she doesn't ask Melissa to be the maid of honor at her wedding to Aaron. In an interview, Brunette Heather tells the camera that Christi acted like a different person when the siblings were around and was stuck to Melissa like glue. Christi tells the camera her "intuition" is telling her that Melissa is going to pick her for the second one-on-one date. In case you Passions viewers wonder what sort of person would think desperate man-chasing characters like Theresa and Simone are heroines and not delusional nutjobs, here you go. Hell, Christi could join the cast of Passions. They wouldn't need to create a character for her, or even require a writer. Christi insists that the siblings have gotten to see what a "fun" person she is. Add "fun" to the list of words that people aren't allowed to use to describe themselves. I believe the list so far is "deep," "talented," "sincere," "modest," and "fun."
Back at the date, Helene and Aaron arrive at the Hollywood Bowl. It's just them and a string quartet. I feel that, based on the part of the date, I should mention that Aaron appears to be wearing whatever was on the floor closest to the bed when he got up this morning. There's a table set up for the two of them to have a fancy dinner. Aaron tells Helene he's glad she came. They toast and eat and pretty much ignore the quartet. Helene tells Aaron that he's easy to talk to. After they eat, Helene and Aaron dance to the quartet's music like a couple of kids at prom during a slow song. Hysterical. Aaron fondles Helene's arm and voices-over that he's really getting to like her. They dance in slow motion. At the end of the night, Aaron stammers through some thanks. Really, he can't even tell her how much he enjoyed the date without having to pause every four words to figure out what to say . The guy's so socially awkward. I mean, that's not such an awful thing, and some would find it endearing. But the show's insistence on portraying Aaron as the perfect man just heightens the fact that he's really a big doofus. Aaron leans over and invades Helene's space to ask her to kiss him. There's a five-second pause while Helene thinks about it. She finally capitulates, much as she did with the pants, but doesn't really seem all that interested. Or she just doesn't express herself that well romantically and that comes off as a lack of interest. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything. They kiss, and then somebody sets off some fireworks. God, how ridiculous. Helene pretends to be surprised and thrilled. Helene and Aaron kiss some more. Aaron thanks her for wearing the pants. Helene laughs. She's going to burn those pants when she gets home. In a voice-over, Helene says that she hasn't really been putting herself out because she doesn't want to get her feelings hurt, but the more time she spends with Aaron, the more she likes him.
Before the commercials, we get a teaser for what's coming up. Chris says, "Who will get the second one-on-one date?" We see Brooke lying on a beach to Aaron. "Who will get left out?" We see Christi on a carousel, looking sad. Gee, ruin it for us, why don't you?
Commercials. When we return, the Martha Stewart gift box has arrived. It's the first group date, and Kyla, Gwen, and Hayley have been chosen to participate. They're going to spend the day at the beach. How bleah. Aaron says that Melissa and Ryan did an "awesome" job matching the women to the dates. I don't think that bodes well for Kyla's, Gwen's, or Hayley's chances. Hayley tells the camera that when she goes on a date to the beach, she normally doesn't bring "[her] two hottest friends and their boobs." Do I need to tell you that whenever boobs are mentioned, we get close-up shots of boobies? Of course. Hayley worries that Aaron won't like her because she doesn't have big breasts. Well, if his date with Helene is an indication, Aaron's more of ass man. I have noticed that he doesn't seem to be staring at the chests very much.
Back at the Malibu Dream House, Brunette Heather gets her cattiness going in the kitchen and asks Ryan how many women contestants he thinks have boob jobs. Ryan says two-and-a-half. The women are confused and laugh at his response. He explains that he's not sure about one of them. I was sort of hoping that he'd tell them that one of the absent bachelorettes said she had to get a mastectomy because of breast cancer and had to get a reconstructive implant. That would shut them up. Anyway, everybody believes that Kyla has implants. Can Mormons do that? Why am I asking? There's always a huge gap between how members of religions are supposed to behave and what they actually do. I'm not even going to try to figure out why a woman who is so proud of her virginity would feel the need to enhance her breasts. Gwen is the other suspect. One of the women insists that Gwen has had "lifts." What the hell are those? Never mind. I don't want to know. ["In case any readers do, that probably means she had surgery to make her existing boobs higher and perkier." -- Wing Chun] Ryan says that Gwen was the "half." Interestingly, nobody seems to realize that this means that there's one other person that Ryan thinks has implants, which means she's probably in the kitchen with him.
Back at the beach, Aaron and the others all surf. Actually, they most assuredly do not surf. They have surfboards and wetsuits, but none of them knows how to surf at all. Essentially, they've got portable diving boards. As the sun goes down, Aaron gives the women a group hug and thanks them for helping him "abuse the waves." My eyes roll. Gwen observes in an interview that they got the "nonromantic date." You go to your beach with your friends and family. But what about when people put in their personals that they like "long walks on the beach"? Is that just a line? Are you saying that they don't mean it? I'm scandalized. Gwen worries that Aaron thinks of her as a "buddy."
Back at the Malibu Dream House, the third Martha Stewart gift box has arrived. The women open it up to discover that it's the invitations for the second group date. Brunette Heather reads the group date list -- Angela, Shannon, both Heathers, and Christi. Heather takes great pleasure in announcing Christi's name as a fellow group-dater, but nobody really pays attention to that because they've just determined that this means Brooke gets the second solo date. The women all coo over Brooke as if she had just showed them her engagement ring. Melissa explains in an interview that she and Ryan both think Brooke would be the perfect match for Aaron.
For the second group date, Aaron is taking these five women to Disney's California Adventure. Hey, what a coincidence! Disney also owns ABC. Isn't that just their good fortune? Aaron explains that they cleared out the park so that he and the women could have it all to themselves. I amuse myself by imagining that Disney did no such thing -- there's just nobody else there. I've read in a number of places that the park is not performing well. An amusement park with a theme about California, located in California. Wherever did things go wrong? I guess there are indeed limits to that stereotypical level of self-absorption among SoCal residents. ["As an aside: Glark and I were working at an L.A.-based web developer when they got the contract to redesign the Disneyland site. This was back in 1997, when they were just starting construction on Disney's California Adventure. Glark and I thought it was a really stupid idea -- like, why would you come from another part of the country to visit Disney's counterfeit Yosemite when you could just go to...you know, actual Yosemite? But no one listened to us; in fact, whenever we had any objection to any part of the Disneyland website project, we were accused of not 'getting' the whole Disney aesthetic because we are Canadian." -- Wing Chun] Aaron and the women load onto what appears to be a steel looping roller coaster with a powered launch system. Did I mention I've been playing Roller Coaster Tycoon II?
Later, Brunette Heather puts on that second face she's been keeping in her purse in the event she gets some alone time with Aaron. On the Ferris wheel, she talks smack about Brooke, explaining to Aaron that she's still really young and likes to "party, party, party." Yeah, that's going to turn Aaron against her. Not only does Brooke have big boobies and is totally submissive, she can also do kegstands with him at the frat reunion. Aaron would never want a woman like that. In an interview, Aaron observes that Brunette Heather was the only woman who had anything bad to say about Brooke. Aaron thinks that the "vindictive" nature of the women is starting to show. Like Aaron isn't feeding it by getting the women to talk about each other in the first place. Also, Heather was indeed bitchy there, but she still didn't reveal Brooke's secret about her jailbird dad, so I guess she has some sort of limits. Whereas Christi would have hired a skywriter to spell it out if she had known.
Everyone heads over to the midway to play skee-ball. Aaron says that he needs to find a way to make it competitive. Okay, dork, if you're going to make it a competition to spend time with you, then you can't complain that the women are behaving like they're in competition with each other. Because they are. The woman with the highest score gets to ride on the carousel with Aaron. Everybody plays. Christi wins. In an interview, Aaron explains that Christi won (we just saw that, you idiot), but adds that he wasn't sure that he wanted to spend more time alone with her. On the midway, he spontaneously decides to make it best two out of three. Bwah hah hah! I think that's the first actual "burn" by Aaron directed toward one of the women on the show. In an interview, Crazy Clueless Christi says she thought it was "kind of weird" that Aaron would change the rules like that. But apparently Christi has played skee-ball a lot. It's probably part of her duties given all the county fairs she's had to attend as Miss Idaho. So she wins again. Hee. It's moments like this that make reality shows worthwhile.
Aaron and Christi head over to the carousel alone. Aaron looks like he's wearing the same outfit he wore on Helene's date, except with a leather jacket -- all black. They make small talk. Aaron tries to pretend he's not uncomfortable. He tells the camera that Christi had this Fatal Attraction thing going and was sure she was in love with him already. Well, I suppose I should give Aaron points both for being observant and for thinking that her behavior is ridiculous. This carousel has fish instead of horses. I expect it's tied to The Little Mermaid somehow. Christi sits on some blue and red fish while Aaron straddles a pink sperm whale. Hee hee hee. I can't even settle on a joke for that one. There's the pink and the sperm and it's between his legs and I am so going to get detention if I don't stop giggling.
So of course, Christi's near breakdown in Napa Valley last episode becomes the focus of conversation. If she were smart, she'd just pass it off as being drunk. I mean, she had a ready excuse right there. And then just start talking about something else. But, no, Christi also bears the title of the Miss Idaho Drama Queen and has to explain that Anindita was saying that Christi's mean and trying to cause conflict. But she wasn't. She's fun! She's the fun girl! Wasn't it fun to see her roll her eyes every time Suzanne opened her mouth? Isn't it fun when she flings herself at you like a twelve-year-old girl meeting Justin Timberlake backstage? Christi insists that she wants people to be comfortable around her and enjoy being around her, and she just couldn't deal with the fact that Anindita didn't like her. So having an insane crying fit is going to fix the problem? Suddenly, three other people were uncomfortable around her, too. Why am I dissecting Christi's logic? She's loopy. She's needy. End of story. Aaron nods politely at Christi's whole explanation with a tight-lipped smile, but doesn't say anything soothing to her at all. Heh. In an interview, Christi asks, "What happened? What did I say? What did I do? I have no idea." Oh, Christi. Has there ever been a more clueless person in the history of reality television? She points out that Aaron kissed her on the date. Of course, Aaron told us that he kissed her to shut her up, so if you see something dangling off Aaron's ass, it's that comment he made back in the second episode, criticizing Alex for leading women on during the first season. She points out that they held hands and flirted with each other. But there's none of that tonight. Yes, Christi, all that hand-holding and flirting took place before your mini-breakdown. And even before then, it was mostly you all up in Aaron's business and him being polite about it. Christi keeps trying to explain herself to Aaron, who sits on his pink sperm whale (hee!), wishing Christi would transform herself into Ariel. The mute version. In an interview, Christi says she wishes that she could go back in time to a month ago, "and have neither or [them] picked to be on the show, and run into him in the airport. Because if [she] met Aaron right on the street, the two of [them] would be together right now." Wow. There isn't even a crack in that speech that would let a bit of reality shine through. See, it's the show. It's not Christi. It's the show. Anindita and Suzanne are the only people on earth who would ever be mean to her. Aaron wouldn't have to worry about Christi freaking out anywhere but on the show. I'm guessing that Aaron wishes he could go back in time, too, and undo giving Christi's crazy ass a rose in the first place.
The evening ends with the Main Street Electrical Parade. How pissed would you be if you had to dress up in that heavy dwarf costume just to entertain six people? No wonder those guys were unionizing. Aaron tells the camera that out of the women on that date, there were four he was really interested in. Christi wonders to herself who the other three were.
Commercials. We return back to the Malibu Dream House. There's a giant crate on the stoop as Brooke's date invitation. Martha Stewart would be very disappointed to see that they just took a wooden crate and wrapped a red ribbon around it. They could have at least done some stencils. Brooke opens it up and there's a huge teddy bear holding a little glider plane. Everybody swoons. There's a card with the bear that reads, "Come fly with me to the lake in the sky." Ew. I'm glad he refrained from mentioning wanting to climb the mountains in her shirt or explore the valleys in her...okay, I'm stopping right now. She meets Aaron in front of his little prop plane that is probably the bane of air-traffic controllers everywhere. He's got a bunch of roses for her. Brooke explains to us that when she saw Aaron standing there on the tarmac to a plane, she knew he was going to fly them somewhere. She's so smart. I'm sure she must be in Mensa. As they take off, Brooke explains to us that the fact that Aaron is a pilot is a "total turn-on." They fly off. Aaron explains to us that he wanted to kiss Brooke on the cheek. Then we see him kiss Brooke on the cheek. Okay, the phrase goes "show, don't tell," not "show and tell." Show and tell is for kindergartners.
Brooke and Aaron land at Big Bear Lake and head out on a small boat. This is almost like the same date she had last time with Aaron. I'd be very disappointed. Aaron gets Brooke talking about her family, probably at a producer's prompting. Brooke was an only child. Her mother's a total sweetheart. Her dad would "grill" Aaron. Her stepdad, rather. Not her birth dad, who may "grill" Aaron in a different fashion, for all we know. Aaron tries to bring up Mysterious Jailbird Daddy. He says that Brooke seems really proud of him. Apparently, he's attending college in prison. She vaguely tells us that he's made mistakes and is paying for them. Are we (and Aaron) not supposed to realize that her dad's in prison? It couldn't be more obvious. How could Aaron not know? I'm sure everybody is waiting for a suitably "dramatic" moment to reveal the truth. Just spit it out already; as dramatic tension goes, it's pretty blah.
Back at the Malibu Dream House, Christi is sitting poolside with some of the other women, acting like Aaron was the one who brought up the crying again. We didn't actually see the start of Christi and Aaron's carousel ride (thanks editors...not), so we don't know for sure who brought up Napa Valley. Christi did say during her little one-sided conversation that she just had to explain to Aaron what happened in Napa Valley. Aaron just sat there on his pink sperm whale (hee!) wishing that she would stop talking about it, so I don't believe her. Christi insists that she's "over" the whole thing and she's talking about it so much to explain how over she is over it. She says she knows that she's not going to get a rose. And she has this whole speech prepared: "You told us in the limo on our first date that you were looking for a girl who will love you despite all your flaws and forgive you for all your mistakes. And the first thing that happens -- the first flaw -- you, like, can't get over it. It's just kind of -- you're asking for a girl [sic] something you're not willing to give." Well, first of all, a tendency to procrastinate is a flaw. Being a bad speller is a flaw. Liking Just Shoot Me is a flaw. Clinging to a guy you barely know and insisting that you love him and then losing your shit when somebody calls you out on your passive-aggressive behavior? That's a psychological problem. That's much bigger than some "flaw." Also, Christi is on the edge of tears again.
Back at some cabin by the lake, Aaron and Brooke have their candlelight dinner. They chat about Aaron. How long has he lived in Springfield? A year. He lived in Oklahoma for a year before that. Aha! That explains why the only press I could find of Aaron outside of this show was of him helping start a chapter of the Rotary Club in some small town outside of Tulsa. Apparently, Aaron was engaged to some woman out there, but it didn't work out. It turns out that Brooke was engaged when she was eighteen, but that she was too young. Now that she's twenty-two, she knows so much more about love, I'm sure. Of course, I'm thirty-one and still don't have a clue, so maybe I'm just being too nasty. Brooke explains that her philosophy used to be that if two people were truly in love they would "make it work." But then again, if you truly loved someone, it shouldn't be that much work. That seems almost wise. Of course, the sticking point is what Brooke thinks constitutes "too much work" for a relationship. Does she mean "looking the other way while he has a dozen affairs" sort of work or "getting a job to help with finances or occasionally getting up off the couch to run a Swiffer vaguely through the house" sort of work? In an interview, Brooke says that "this is the most romantic relationship [she's] been in in a long time." "Relationship"? Two dates. Two.
And now for some decent editing. It's really hit or miss with these folks. After all this talk about romance, Aaron blurts, "So the hot tub's about 102 degrees." Oh, how smooth. Aaron explains to us that he suggested getting Brooke into the hot tub to help her relax more. Yeah, that was really clever and subtle of him. I expect that later he'll subtly suggest that he wants to have sex by unzipping his pants in front of her. Aaron and Brooke sit in the hot tub. They start kissing. Aaron narrates, "I wanted that to happen. That was an opportunity I was trying to create." Really? Because I hadn't quite picked up on your complicated agenda, yet. Thanks for explaining. They kiss some more. Brooke leans her head on Aaron's shoulder in slow motion. She tells us that Aaron is everything she ever looked for or hoped for in a man. She says he makes her feel safe and is a "knight in shining armor, all the way." What? What has he ever done that justifies that label? Not kick her to the curb when he found out that there's something wrong with her dad? Let's erect a statue. It really makes me wonder about the class of men Brooke has met in the past.
Back at the Malibu Dream House, there's an earthquake. No, wait, the editors are making me take back the compliment I gave them in the last paragraph. We see a shot of the house, then they shake it back and forth violently to indicate that there's conflict. How utterly stupid. Helene explains to us what happened during last week's episode about how she told Aaron she might leave because of all the Crazy Christi conflict. Apparently, Aaron gave Helene a slip of paper with his phone number on it in case she wanted to keep in touch with him if she decided to go. Helene makes the apparent tactical error of mentioning this to some of the girls, who suddenly decide to join Christi in Crazyville. Shannon acts like, because Aaron gave Helene his phone number, if he marries somebody else, that means the other woman was the "second choice" behind Helene. No, seriously. He gave Helene his number, and Shannon therefore assumes that Aaron wants to talk to her because he wants to marry her. Apparently, once you get married, you aren't allowed to have any friends of the opposite sex. Obviously, Helene's mistake here is treating this game like a dating show, and not a marriage audition. Kyla insists that Aaron should have just given Helene a note asking her to stay and not include his phone number. I guess if Helene leaves the show, she's not allowed to talk to Aaron ever again. In an interview, Kyla says that she and Shannon are wondering why they're even there if Aaron's giving his phone number out to other women. That's a good question, and one that will be answered in the rose ceremony, won't it, Kyla and Shannon? Shannon says idiotically, "Aaron keeps telling us that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Meanwhile, he's pulling the wool over everybody else's eyes." You know, I've hardly seen Aaron interact with Shannon at all. And Aaron isn't the one who determines how many women to cut each round. I think that if he had his way, it would probably be down to just Brooke, Helene, and Gwen by now. I guess Shannon and Kyla are upset to discover that they were never really in the running and are upset that they didn't see it coming. Helene insists that she didn't think it was a big deal, but Shannon disagrees. Helene tells them that if she had left the show, she wouldn't have called Aaron anyway. She asks them if they think she'd actually try to ruin the wedding or something. Then Helene gets upset and starts crying. We don't ever see her face, so I don't know if it's real or not. She runs off to the bathroom and Gwen follows her to comfort her. They close the door to the cameras so don't get to hear them talk about how crazy Shannon and Kyla are.
Aaron and Brooke sleep in the limo on the trip back to the Malibu Dream House. She rests her head on his man-boobs. Aww. He sees her up to the door and they kiss goodnight. The women descend on Brooke nearly immediately. Brooke's still groggy from sleeping. Brunette Heather is all over her, wanting to know the details. Did they kiss? Of course. How many times? She can't remember. Was there tongue? God, shut up. Brooke heads upstairs. Brunette Heather wanders over to her and tugs at the waistband of Brooke's jeans and shouts, "She doesn't have panties on!" I can't believe Heather did that. Please tell me that women don't go around doing that. I'm sure there are a number on nonsexual reasons why Brooke isn't wearing panties, but she doesn't seem to have one handy. Heather asks if she left them in the limo. Brooke tries to explain that they're in her bag or something, but Heather steamrolls over her to exclaim that Aaron took them. Ew. I hope Heather's joking, because ew. And also, Heather still wants to marry a guy that she thinks steals used ladies underwear? Ew.
Commercials. We return to the Malibu Dream House for the night of the Rose Ceremony. Aaron goes around hugging people. Crazy Clueless Christi tells us that she's still in as much love with Aaron as she was when she first laid eyes on him, but worries that he doesn't feel the same. She says, "He would really be cheating the both of us tonight if he doesn't give me a rose, because there's so much more that we could see. There's so much more we need to discover about the initial connection that he and I had." Every time you think Christi's hit rock bottom in her self-delusions, she always finds another cliff to jump off. Aaron explains that the he wants to make sure that he gives roses only to the women who actually want roses. If they don't want roses, wouldn't they say so or something? Oh, he wants to be able to reject women at the Rose Ceremony, but he doesn't want to risk being rejected himself. Shut up, Aaron.
Aaron pulls Helene aside, and she warns him about the scene with Kyla and Shannon. You know, the results of the Rose Ceremony make more sense now. I couldn't tell which blonde said what on first viewing because they all look the same. But now that I know which two it is, everything is falling into place. Helene has Aaron wrapped around her finger. Totally. Aaron tells us that he's totally stressed about the whole thing. Helene and Aaron both insist was just a "friend" thing -- nothing more.
Then, while Aaron is having this confessional deal where he talk to the camera, Brunette Heather interrupts to sit on his lap and try to seduce him. She says she wants to make sure she gets the chance to talk to Aaron, because he didn't before the last Rose Ceremony. Aaron says that he wasn't going to snub her again, and worries that he couldn't handle "the wrath of [Heather]." Aaron tells the camera that he was afraid Brunette Heather would "kick [his] ass" if he didn't make time for her. Heather tells the camera that she's "110% sure" that she wants a rose tonight. A rose. Does she want Aaron? No. She wants to win and make it to the round. She really does have a pageant mentality. She's sure that Mom and Dad would be proud of her if she brought Aaron home. I don't know whether to cringe at the possibility that Heather is terribly wrong, or to cringe at the possibility that she's right. Is it worse when your parents look down on you for embarrassing yourself on television, or when they embrace it? "You won yerself a man, Heather. We're mighty proud of you!" Okay, embracing is worse.
In another one-on-one meeting with Aaron, Gwen gives some blah blah blah speech about Aaron saying the "politically correct" things and not "opening up [his] heart" and blah blah blah. It's all code for, "Tell me you're still interested in me even though you didn't give me your phone number and I didn't get a solo date." Aaron assures Gwen and her forehead (obscured with some well-placed bangs, so she clearly knows) that he does think she's beautiful and wants to get to know her better.
Brooke starts getting all teary again as she realizes that she's dating "this great guy" who is also dating "nine of her best friends." Well eight, actually, plus Brunette Heather. Well seven, actually, plus Brunette Heather and Christi. She wipes off her tears in the bathroom. She's wearing a lovely, black, sequined cocktail dress. These poor women probably had to bring fifteen dresses each just in case they made it all the way to the end. Aaron invites her outside for a confab. She worries that it's all getting too real. It's hard seeing her "best friends" and Aaron all making goo-goo eyes at each other. She barely knows Aaron and these women and this is her best relationship and they're all her best friends. Does she live inside a safe back home? She has no friends at all? She worries because Aaron is prone to changing his mind on things. Ooh, she called him out on it. Don't get too mouthy if you don't want to get thrown off, dear. Aaron says that he has changed his mind several times this evening, but not about Brooke. Aaron reassures us all again how tough and "gut-wrenching" this decision is. Whatever. We hardly see him talking to half the women, so I don't know why we're supposed to be surprised at who he cuts.
Oh, yay, more Christi! Be sure to wear you miner's helmet as we continue to plumb the depths of her psyche. Christi tells us that she had dreams about Aaron and tonight's ceremony and how it might go. She and Aaron have a private talk during which she brings up the initial connection the two of them had. Aaron agrees, but says that, since then, certain "situations" have caused him to have doubts about Christi. Like the "situation" of her being a clingy crazy freakshow.
But before we get another round of deranged justification from Christi, Chris drops by to drag Aaron away. It annoys me how they have him tap on a wine glass like he's about to announce a toast: "Here's to The Bachelor. We're beating everybody but The West Wing. Isn't that sad?" He pulls Aaron into the deliberation room for another pointless interview.
But first, commercials. Back in the Deliberation Room, we get another five minutes about how hard these decisions are. God, shut up. Chris brings up Brooke's comment that it's all "getting real." I insist on banning that phrase from our vocabulary forever. And ever. And while I'm at it, let's ban both "politically correct" and "politically incorrect." None of these phrases is ever used properly. Aaron says that Brooke has been "putting her heart out there," and he thinks she's worried that he's not doing the same. Well, yeah. She's sitting there telling you about her tragic family, and when she tries to get you to talk about your past, you try to get her into the hot tub instead. Clod. Chris brings up Clueless Crazy Christi. Aaron says that it's "a concern" to him that Christi can claim to have fallen in love with him so quickly. He says, "She's very...emotionally unstable, if you will, and that bothers me. I don't know how to deal with something like that. I really don't." Heh. I can only imagine what Christi is thinking when she watches this. Probably, "Christi Buerge. Aaron and Christi Buerge. Mr. and Mrs. Aaron Buerge. Did that dog just wink at me? Naomi Judd is my half-sister. I'm sure of it."
Before Aaron picks his six to move on to the round, there's another session of private video messages. Gwen says she enjoyed seeing the "real" Aaron while they were out "surfing." Angela enjoyed seeing Aaron's fun side on the launched free-fall ride (that's the "Whoa! Belly" tower for you folks still playing the first version of Roller Coaster Tycoon). Kyla says that she appreciates Aaron's honesty and thinks that he's "a total cutie." Those statements seem to indicate to me that she knows she's not getting picked. I wonder if she made that before or after she found out he gave Helene his number. Brunette Heather says she thought their night together was "magical." A Disney executive slips her a fifty. Brunette Heather says she looks forward to finding out if Aaron is a good kisser. Well, that certainly takes "fishing for compliments" up to a new level. Blonde Heather says she enjoyed getting to know Aaron better. Shannon says she enjoyed their date and blah blah blah. They don't even show clips of Shannon interacting with Aaron on the date like they do the others. Hayley also enjoyed the date and hopes to get to know Aaron better. You can tell who doesn't stand a chance from these video clips. Helene says she had a great time on the date. She says she really enjoyed Aaron's company more than all the fireworks and stuff. Brooke says she had a great time and made a "deep connection." Crazy Clueless Christi apologizes for all the drama yet again, and invokes that "connection" they had the first night yet again.
Shots of the fireplace. Shots of pictures on the creepy serial-killer shrine. The women look worried. Aaron looks concerned. Chris comes out with the roses and explains everything we've already heard seventeen times. He assures us all some more that this is a tough decision for Aaron. He reminds the women that they don't have to accept Aaron's roses. How did I not notice before that the bottom half of Gwen's dress is about fifty yards of fugly pink fabric? I must have gone into denial. Chris blathers some more and heads back to the Deliberation Room to drag Aaron out.
Commercials. There are, like, seven commercial breaks in this one-hour show. It's a show about finding "true love," but they can't even fill up forty minutes of content about it.
When we return, Aaron heads out to the pillar with the roses. He blah blah blahs about how hard a decision this is. He says the same thing every week. They should just play a recording. It's less awkward. Time for the roses. The first goes to Angela. She accepts. Helene smiles because she already knows she's getting a rose. The second goes to Gwen. She accepts. The third rose goes to Brooke. She stares at him for about twenty seconds before accepting. Christi has a brittle, brittle smile on her face. The fourth rose goes to Helene. She jokes, "Maybe," but says she's kidding. She accepts. The fifth rose goes to Brunette Heather. She accepts. The last rose goes to...Christi! Just kidding. It goes to Hayley. She's had, like, three whole lines in this whole show. They're usually pretty funny and self-deprecating, but I still haven't a clue what she's like. She seems genuinely surprised and accepts. So Crazy Clueless Christi is out, along with Shannon and Kyla -- who both freaked out about the phone-number thing -- and Blonde Heather. Chris encourages the rejected women to say their goodbyes.
In her final crazy, crazy interview -- well, besides all the ones she did on various media shows the following day to try to convince us all that she's fun and not all crazy -- Christi says, "At this point, I feel like something went wrong with the universe. I don't feel like I was supposed to go right now. I feel like I was supposed to have another opportunity to show Aaron that I'm not an emotional basket case." Maybe you should try to say that when you're not crying. Also, I suddenly have images of Christi refusing to leave until "the universe" tells her that it really is her time to go. She blathers that perhaps it "wasn't meant to be." Oh, I guess that clue she ordered finally arrived. She should have paid extra for the -day delivery. Aaron says that Christi's a great woman and very attractive, but they're just not compatible.
Do you think we've hit the bottom depths of Christi's self-delusions? Oh no, we haven't. There's one more drop, so please hang on to the guardrails for your safety. She starts sobbing in her interview, saying, "I'm not gonna be okay. Because some girls didn't say what they should have said. And some girls are staying that know they don't want to marry him. And I would've wanted to marry him. If it had gotten down to that? I would've wanted to marry him." Yes, he knew that. The other women knew that. We all knew that. That's actually why you didn't get a rose. I'm not sure even Dr. Phil could knock some sense into Christi. She concludes, "But he didn't see that. So what do I do?" I suggest a regimen of therapy and mood-balancing drugs, myself. Kyla, Shannon, and Blonde Heather don't even get any parting words, because we can't escape the Black Hole of Christi's delusions.
week: More kissing. More boobies. More crying from Brooke. She says, "I want you to get to meet my daddy," though the captioning reads, "I wish you were my daddy." I can see why the captioners might get confused with all the dysfunction flying around.