The One With The Salamander Sex

Voyager: "Threshold" - Tom Paris reaches infinite warp, dies, turns into a salamander, has sex with Janeway (also a salamander), and has babies (also salamanders). All in a day's work.

Keckler

Levels of Orgasms

TNG: "The Game" - Riker's dick endangers the Federation.

Keckler

The Sun Also Risans

DS9: "Let He Who Is Without Sin..." - Worf goes to Risa with Dax and her spots that go "all the way down" and tries very hard not to get laid.

Keckler

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to YesterTrek

These Are The Voyages... - Some Treks go out with a bang. This one goes out with a whimper. From the fans.

Keckler

Bye, Bye, Trekkie

Terra Prime (2) - Baby Tri'Pol dies; Quantum makes another self-indulgent speech.

Keckler

Moonfaker

Demons (1) - If you missed this episode, you missed the BEST of Enterprise that ever was. All I can say is: Trip and T'Pol have a baby and Mayweather has SEX! It was AWESOME!

Keckler

There Was an Evil Man Who Had An Evil Furrow

In a Mirror, Darkly, Part II - Evil Leaper gets another weird accent, goes on a power trip, makes some bad speeches, and dies. And there was much celebrating throughout the land.

Keckler

Best. Episode. Ever.

In a Mirror, Darkly, Part I - Enterprise got cancelled, and then they decided it was time to write good TV.

Keckler

Girls Gone Green

Bound - Trip and T'Pol are soul mates! Soooooooooooul maaaaaaaaates!

Keckler

The Search for Phlox

Divergence (2) - Quantum becomes a Klingon. And my brain doesn't explode, because I no longer have a brain.

Keckler

Reed Cries When He Spies

Affliction (1) - Quantum "walks" T'Pol through a mind-meld. And then I knew no more.

Keckler

Say Goodnight, Shran

The Aenar (3) - After we meet and greet and defeat the Aenar, Trip hands in his notice and requests a transfer to a less-cancelled ship of the fleet.

Keckler

I'm Sorry, Trip, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That

United (2) - Quantum plays the hero. Again. The only difference is, this time he's a cancelled hero.

Keckler

The Day the Franchise Died

Star Trek Eats "American Pie" - Some apologies to Don McLean -- but not too many.

Keckler

Technobabel

Babel One (1) - The episode where Quantum puts assholishness to good use. For once.

Keckler

It Takes A Lot to Laugh, It Takes A Trip to Die

Observer Effect - Two Organians, who have a long way to go learn that the errand of mercy is not strained, let Hoshi and Trip die all in the name of science.

Keckler

Mehdalus

Daedalus - Dullest. Episode. Ever.

Keckler

It's a Family Affair

TNG: "Sub Rosa" - Dr. Bev has sex with a candle in a faux Scotland backdrop.

Keckler

Kir'Royala

Kir'Shara (3) - Quantum performs the VULCAN FUCKING NECK PINCH and my hate has no bounds.

Keckler

Welcome To Planet Crack Whore

Awakening (2) - Quantum still has SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, and Keckler still hates him for it.

Keckler

Enterprise IV: The Trip for T'Pol

The Forge (1) - If May-Tell-That-Girl-To-Shut-Up beats someone up for calling him "tiny," I'm leaving.

Keckler

Wrath Of Retcon

The Augments (3) - I feel ugly. Oh, so ugly. I feel ugly and frightful and vile! And I pity. Anyone who can't control their bile.

Keckler

Flight of the Khannabees

Cold Station 12 (2) - More scheming. More evidence to the contrary that the Khannabees are at all superior, except in repulsiveness. More beer.

Keckler

Boredomland

Borderland (1) - Boredomland, feels like I'm going to lose my mind. You just keep on pushing my snark over the boredomland.

Keckler

Home on the Rage

Home - Oh, give me a home where the CRACK WHORES do roam, where the captain and the captain go get laid. Where seldom is heard an inspiring word but the suits on the lot still get paid. Home, home on the rage, where the fear and the anti-hope do roam.

Keckler

Silik Stalkings

Storm Front, Part II - The only good Nazis are dead Nazis, so Quantum kills them.

Keckler

Ding Dong, Daniels is Dead!

Storm Front, Part I - Nazis are evil, y'all.

Keckler

Fourth TOS Movie? The Hell It Is!

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - Kirk and Ko. leave the twenty-third century as the Earth is being destroyed by a shrieking tin can thing, and go to the 1980s, only to meet a shrieking Annie Camden. Out of the frying pan, into the fire, I guess. P.S. Save the whales!

Keckler And Sara M

Horton Heals a Horta

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Devil In The Dark" - Spock mind-melds with a meat lover's special and Bones gets a pizza the action. Keckler carves NO SNARK I into her burnished wood floor.

Keckler

Of Wes and Wedgies

TNG: "Justice" - Having sex at the "drop of a hat...any hat" just isn't all that attractive anymore.

Keckler

Yours Is The Superior Star Trek Movie

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - From Hell's heart, we snark at thee. For hate's sake, we spit our last joke at thee.

Keckler

Breaking the Furrow

Zero Hour - Quantum saves the world. A lot.

Keckler

Hoshi Crack Code and I Sorta Care

Countdown - Hoshi is tortured, and her friends eat steak.

Keckler

In Sonar, No One Can Hear You. Period.

The Council - Quantum testifies before the Xindi of the Round Table that he did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky; he doesn't know where the WMD are; and he doesn't remember funneling money to the Contras. Oh, and that Sphere Builders are bad.

Keckler

Back to the Furrow

E² - The current Enterprise meets their fourth cousins twice removed.

Keckler

Degra Dearest

The Forgotten - Degra proves to be an Enterprise ally. The crew celebrates by rolling in dirt.

Sara M

Jane's Addiction

Damage - Quantum swabs decks, administers rum, and becomes a pirate. The eye patch is on backorder, along with T'Pol's next hit of Trellium-D.

Keckler

A No-Brainer

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Spock's Brain" - Spock loses his brain. Kirk gets it back without looking under a girl's dress for it.

Keckler

Imzadi Prime

Azati Prime - Quantum sacrifices himself for the good of humanity, and then manages to screw humanity.

Keckler

Buggy Dearest

Hatchery - Quantum adopts some bugs at the local ASPCEgg.

Keckler

Phlox's Runaway Imagination

Doctor's Orders - Phlox puts the crew in comas and invents himself an imaginary friend.

Keckler

A Sexperiment in Criticism

Harbinger - Trip and T'Pol do the nasty.

Keckler

Flight Of The Simulator

Stratagem - Quantum and a Xindi hole up in a space bunker and resist braiding each other's dreds.

Keckler

Blue Swayed Crews

Proving Ground - Quantum renews his relationship with Excedrin P.M. who does so well he gets a new moniker!

Keckler

Let That Be Your Last Bakulafield

Chosen Realm - Quantum brings some religious freaks aboard, and they start blowing themselves up until he agrees to kill himself.

Keckler

Extra, Extra: Eat All About It!

Star Trek Cookbook - Chef Keckler puts Neelix's recipes to the test.

Keckler

Carpenter Street

Carpenter Street - Quantum and T'Pol take on Detroit.

Keckler

Trip's Brain

Similitude - Trip is cloned and, oddly, has better luck with the ladies. But then he dies, so it all evens out.

Keckler

Blazing Furrows

North Star - Quantum has his Qrew circle their furrows as he saves an entire town from an asshat and has a profound effect on their future evolution.

Keckler

Twilight in the Garden of Good and Better

Twilight - Mr. Mike Sussman -- with the aid of Tom Paris directing and Scott Bakula acting (finally!) -- gives us an episode that knocks every other episode out of the Rose Bowl. And yes, messages for the Horseman of the Apocalypse can be left at my apartment.

Keckler

A Horse! A Horse! My Boredom For A Horse!

The Shipment - Quantum goes to a planet to learn more about the Xindi weapon. If that doesn't get across sufficiently how ass-crackingly boring this episode was, be happy you missed it.

Keckler

All Work And No Play Makes Keckler A Dull Girl

All Work And No Play Makes Keckler A Dull Girl - All work and no play makes Keckler a dull girl. All work and no play makes Keckler a dull girl. All work and no play makes Keckler a dull girl. All work and no play makes Keckler a dull girl. All work and no play makes Keckler a dull girl.

Keckler

Hoshi and the Beast

Exile - In a tale as dull as mime, Hoshi plays Beauty to a telepathic Beast who has designs on her for the rest of her life.

Keckler

The Vulcansnatchers

Impulse - T'Pol finds her personal kryptonite, and it brings out a rash.

Keckler

A hand, a scan, a canal, Panama!

Rajiin - Quantum adopts a stray sex slave who gives new meaning to the expression "the laying on of hands."

Keckler

Unfrozen Caveman Captain

Extinction - This is the one where we discover that the only way to get Bakula to stop furrowing is to slap some latex on him.

Keckler

The Pirates of the Implants

Anomaly - Quantum is very, very angry. Some alien pirates steal stuff off of the ship. Quantum is very, very angry. They get their stuff back from the pirates. Quantum is very, very angry. They come upon some Xindian information. Quantum is very, very angry.

Keckler

Xinderella

The Xindi - While Quantum and Reed deal with Pat the Androgynous Alien and his finger fetish, T'Pol and Trip rub nodes for mutual gratification.

Keckler

One Flew Over the Kirkoo's Nest

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Dagger of The Mind" - Kirk gets tangled up with Greek mythology tinged with a Shakespearean title when he leaves a calling card at a fancy nut house.

Keckler

The Song of Kirkawatha

Star Trek, The Original Series: "The Paradise Syndrome" - Kirk realizes all his dreams -- he beds a Playboy Bunny and is made a god.

Keckler

Triacus of the Damned

Star Trek, The Original Series: "And The Children Shall Lead" - Kirk struggles with a horde of juvies who hijack his ship and bring out "the beast" in him, along with a bilious facsimile of an erstwhile Friday night host of a PBS series.

Keckler

Jimmy crack Gorn and I don't care

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Arena" - Kirk makes use of local ingredients to concoct a truly magnificent meal for murder. Someone call in Poirot!

Keckler

The Bad Seed

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Space Seed" - Fifteen years before The Wrath of Khan was even a glint in the milkman's eye, Kirk came across a strangely compelling man with strangely compelling bronzed pectorals.

Keckler

Starfleet and Coffee, Maple Syrup and Damn

The Expanse - In an anvil ripped from the headlines, Earth has a pre-emptive strike launched against it by some alien species with a Middle-Eastern-sounding name.

Keckler

Booty

Bounty - T'Pol gets false sex pains while locked in a small room with Phlox, and Quantum is featured on Kronos' Most Wanted.

Keckler

Fist Fight

First Flight - Quantum relives his glory days of bar fights, making off with government property, and meeting Trip for the first time.

Keckler

The Importance of Being Earnest Borgnine

Regeneration - Quantum and Qrew encounter the Borg. Trekkies everywhere weep at the death of continuity.

Keckler

A Slave's Narrative

Cogenitor - Trip meddles with the reproductive practices of a tri-gendered species.

Keckler

Crazy Like A Phlox

The Breach - Phlox rocks. Trip, Reed, and May-Chanko-Nabe Treklunk on the cave set. T'Pol needs cucumbers, and Quantum is a dick. Again.

Keckler

Home Is Where the Snark Is

Horizon - A Very Special Episode, May-Punk returns to the familial fold, but is dismayed not to find a Nutri-Pak lamb roasting on a spit for him.

Keckler

Manura Penthe

Judgment - Imagine rediscovering Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country and finding that it had been replaced by a soul-sucking Bermaga-magicked episode. Now, get drunk. Yes, that's about where I am as well.

Keckler

Crossing Over and Out

The Crossing - Wisps of vapor, or blobs of light, enter and re-enter Tucker, Reed, and other crew members. This pisses off Captain Quantum. Again. Some more.

Alex Richmond

There Was A Freakish Man Who Had A Freakish Smile

Star Trek, The Original Series: "The Corbomite Maneuver" - In this vintage piece of Star Trek history, Kirk finally meets that blue-faced alien in the closing credits, Spock shouts in iambic pentameter, Bones puts Kirk on a diet that obviously never takes, Uhura dresses in yellow to catch a fellow, and Sulu just begs to have his bra stuck in the freezer.

Keckler

Mallomar

Canamar - The action was soft and marshmallowy, and the plot was like the chocolate I once left it in the cupboard above the stove and forgot about it until it turned chalky white around the edges. I got a craving and had nothing better around, so I ate it. It left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Keckler

Future Nonsense

Future Tense - The crew finds a mysterious pod with a John Doe cross-breed inside and start speculating all over the place. Two sets of aliens show up to lay claim to the pod, and get violently shirty when they meet Quantum's forbidding furrow. T'Pol considers cross-breeding.

Keckler

Grease Fire

Cease Fire - The Andorians are back to butt heads with the Vulcans. That Quantum is called in to referee all the head-butting serves only to complete my boredom.

Keckler

Melded Cheese on Melda Toast

Stigma - That cute little intrusion B'Stiller forced on T'Pol seems to have had deleterious effects. And Excedrin PM cannot come to the rescue on this one.

Keckler

From Dusk 'Til Yawn

Dawn - Trip and Don at Gas Giant. Trip, his chest hairy, his chest bare. Don, his eyes yellow, his mouth full of antibiotic spittle. Keckler, her head sore, her beer bottles depressingly dry.

Keckler

Arch Nemesis

Star Trek: Nemesis - Once upon a time, there was a lovely little ship called Enterprise A, B, C, D, and E, and then it crashed into something. I think it was Shatner.

Keckler

Stormship Troopers

The Catwalk - While being riders on the storm of the twenty-fourth century in the nacelles, Quantum and qrew leave themselves open to an alien boarding. Since he's gotten really out of practice, Quantum decides it's time for him to do a little heroic furrowing.

Keckler

Kiss Me, Ingrate

Precious Cargo - Trip, who IS from Florida, rescues a bit of crumpet from her crystal coffin, but as soon as he gets his Universal Translator working, he wishes he hadn't bothered. We all do.

Keckler

The Inner Light's Pox-Ridden Bastard Cousin

Vanishing Point - Hoshi gets trapped in a world where she's doomed to wander for all eternity in a jog bra, but no one can see her to admire her skin. Except the viewers, of course.

Keckler

The Naked Then

Singularity - Yet another Trek series seeks refuge in a storyline where the crew is afflicted by a weird illness that causes them to act comically. Bakula was actually good in this one -- or was that just the radiation sickness talking?

Keckler

I Left My Communicator In San Francisco

The Communicator - Quantum and Reed attempt to pick up where "A Piece Of The Action" left off. But in the past. And without the funny voices, mannerisms, and Spocko in a zoot suit, helping Kirk drive a "flivver." If Bermaga were going to borrow from the past (again!), couldn't they at least have made it good? JUST THIS ONCE?!

Keckler

Seven of Whine

The Seventh - In her past life, T'Pol visited H'zelden to purge her psyche of a pesky guilt complex, but when she starts experiencing flashbacks of murder most foul, Quantum becomes her therapist, shoulder to cry on, and bosom buddy. While T'Pol has multiple nervous breakdowns on a frozen planet, Trip, Reed, and Phlox pal around on the ship and discuss loose stools.

Keckler

Moroners

Marauders - Emboldened by a headband from Footloose, Quantum saves a dusty locale from pushy mineral rights blackmailers.

Keckler

Pets And Petulance

A Night In Sickbay - Now that Quantum's got the Furrowing Butt Chump down pretty well, for his next trick, maybe he can be a captain.

Keckler

Maximum Over(warp)drive

Dead Stop - Stephen King is no longer writing novels, because he decided to write for Enterprise. Okay, not really, but it was still the best episode they've done yet, what with the dead people and the Evil Service Station and the actual acting.

Keckler

Starship Mine

Minefield - Nothing brings two men together quicker than the disarming of an anti-starship device, discussing bodily functions, and staring Death in the face long enough to tell him he's got bad breath.

Keckler

A Vulcan's Tale

Carbon Creek - Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a pointy Vulcan, who walked a pointy mile and fell in love with a human for awhile.

Keckler

Search For Yesterday

Shockwave, Part II - Quantum and Daniels plagiarize Spock and Data's books in "City on the Edge of Forever" and "Time's Arrow" as they make use of local resources, plus a few gadgets conveniently brought from Enterprise, to press The Big Temporal Reset Button In The Sky.

Keckler

Where Nomad has gone before

Star Trek: The Motion Picture - Appearing now at a TWoP site near your computer: Star Trek: The Missing Plot, fully recycled, re-re-re-rewound, and regurgitated for your reading pleasure! Also: Brand new DVD commentary from Mathra!

Keckler

Subvulcanean Homesick Blues

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Amok Time" - Spock gets the urge to herbal.

Keckler

Who's the vainest of them all?

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Mirror, Mirror" - Kirk and Co. are beamed to another world where Spock doesn't own a Mach 3. Wacky hijinks, mistaken identities, soliloquies, and other Shakespearean space oddities, enter stage left.

Keckler

Keckler's Apologia

Star Trek, The Original Series: "Plato's Stepchildren" - Know then thy recapper, presume not Sars to scan. The proper study of Star Trek is Kirk. Kirk is a monster of so frightful mien, / As to be hated needs but to be seen; / Yet seen too oft, familiar with his gut, / We first endure, then hyperventilate, then throw up.

Keckler

Paradise Re-Maimed

Star Trek, The Original Series: "The Way To Eden" - And the Sars said, "Ye shall recap that of the original series and ye shall be as a god." And it was good.

Keckler

Quantum Leap of Faith of the Heart

Shockwave, Part I - Another show, another cliffhanger. Quantum has to play Time Bandits with Dead Man Walking Daniels in order to understand some level of engineering and get out of a sticky situation with the mass destruction of a colony. And to keep myself entertained, I pull more Withnail and I references out of my butt that are largely going to go over the heads of my readership.

Keckler

Bad Moon Risan

Two Days And Two Nights - When they all downloaded their individual travel guides for shore leave, Mayweather chose The Idiot's Guide to Risa, Quantum got Lonely Planet, Trip and Reed shared Cheap Eats and Sleeps, and Hoshi got off without one. Back on the ship, Phlox got under the covers and made T'Pol read Goodnight, Moon.

Keckler

Like sands through my beer glass

Desert Crossing - After an offal bad experience with Rocky Mountain oysters, Trip and Quantum decide not to get involved in a land war over a few drip castles, instead going out to work on their tans. But wouldn't you know it, Trip starts trippin', and Quantum has to force-feed him radon-tainted water while ordering him around a lot. T'Pol launches a search party and explains the finer points of the Montana outback to Hoshi.

Keckler

A Hero Ain't Nothing But A Sandwich

Fallen Hero - While providing amnesty for a disgraced Vulcan ambassador, we discover that Quantum's got a whole closetful of Furrowed Brows we haven't seen yet. Linwood from Angel warps in, just as slimy as ever, to show us his new hairdo. Trip frantically slaps band-aids on the engine as they push warp five, and Reed casually mentions that he likes shooting other people. On Brown-Noser Deck, T'Pol spends a lot of the episode apologizing to the Ambassador for the way Hoshi's quarters smell, and Phlox cries.

Keckler

Mucus of Borg

Vox Sola - After offending ANOTHER alien race -- how many does that make? I can't count that high -- Enterprise is infiltrated by a mucus plug that squats in a cargo bay, ensnaring random crewmen in its glutinous strands. Luckily, one of the ensnared is Quantum, who embarks on a diluted water polo allegory, forcing the still-conscious crewmembers into comas, until he manages to bore himself catatonic. In other news, Reed applies for a patent, Phlox gives a dissection lesson, Hoshi and T'Pol make sweet algorithms, and May-Witness-To-The-Execution shows us why he's better off phoning in his lines.

Keckler

You Can Call Me Al

Detained - In a rather predictable and forced storyline, Mayweather and Quantum must confront and overcome their aversion to the Suliban complexion as they find themselves birds of a feather, flocking together a bit. Shadows of "Shadows of P'Jem," anyone? The Dean of Quantum's previous life Leaps in for a guest spot and some latex treatment on his nose.

Keckler

Night of the Living Dread

Oasis - To-day is gonna be the day that they're gonna find out what's true / By now Odo should've somehow realized what he's gotta do / Trip doesn't believe that anybody feels the way he does about her now / Backbeat the word was on the street that the blood in their body's out / Quantum's sure he's heard it all before but he still had to use the pout / And all the skies they warp along are winding / And all the stars that lead them there are blinding / There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how / Because maybe, this will be the one that brains me / And after all / Trek's my wonderbawl.

Keckler

Raiders of the Lost Vault

Acquisition - The crew gets knocked out by mysterious aliens with butt-shaped heads, who turn Quantum into their beast of burden and long to make T'Pol their sex slave, while Trip displays the latest line of panties from Victoria's Secret's Men in Space line.

Keckler

A Private Little Hunt

Rogue Planet - Without any real understanding of the situation or players involved, Quantum helps an indigenous alien species he knows bubkes about -- except that it can show up as a pretty lady in a negligee -- to combat another species he knows even less about. What that man doesn't know could fill a black hole. The rest of the cast stands around being conscientious objectors to the Plot Movement, but we do find out that Mathra and Reed both have twenty-eight merit badges and the captain only twenty-six. Nyah!

Keckler

The Inner Fright

Fusion - On their way to yet another astrological wonder of Quantum's childhood, the crew runs across some sitar-playing, caftan-wearing, acid-dropping Vulcans. When Quantum's not preoccupied with sticking his big gin blossom into everyone else's business, he's making Trip do it for him, while T'Pol holes up in her room to perform a mind-altering experiment with Ben Stiller's Vulcan twin.

Keckler

Strifeboat

Shuttlepod One - Trip and Reed perform a field experiment to test the hypothesis that, under the right circumstances, they would use their last breath to bicker.

Strega

Stuck Inside Of Coridan With The P'Jem Blues Again

Shadows Of P'Jem - Trip grates. Reed infiltrates. T'Pol rotates. Quantum gyrates. Hoshi prevaricates. Phlox medicates. Mayflower vacates, and Keckler continues to stagnate.

Keckler

Holier ThanThou

Sleeping Dogs - Reed, T'Pol, and Hoshi are stranded on a Klingon ship where Reed plays with a new kind of torpedo, and T'Pol shows Hoshi the Vulcan Way. Back on Enteprise, Quantum studies the Klingon culture and Trip stands around making dumb comments, while Phlox ties a female alien to a bed. Kinky stuff. It gets even kinkier when you bring all the random plot holes into it. Okay, it really doesn't, but I made you look.

Keckler

Doctor's Day

Dear Doctor - Pssst! Hey! Yeah, you! C'mere, I gotta tell you something. Okay, you ready? Enterprise didn't suck this week. Shhh! I know, I know! The story line has been done before, and Reed was virtually nonexistent, but still, Quantum's God complex is showing signs of going into remission, and Hoshi trickled a bit more out of minor-character-hood. So anyway, pass it on!

Keckler

Cannon in D-fense

Silent Enemy - What can you get the man in your life who has all the phase pistols, torpedoes, and minor explosions his little heart desires? Resequenced protein, obviously. El Capitan Quantanamo orders Hoshi on a top-secret mission to discover Reed's favorite foodstuffs, while the rest of the crew wastes time fighting Praying Mantis aliens who manage to use the humans' mother tongue against them.

Keckler

Tempus fudges-it

Cold Front - In a story arc that rivals the convolutions of my small intestine, the Enterprise crew receives a visitor from the future. Hint: It's not Michael J. Fox. In other news, Porthos proves his worth above diamonds, Reed marries me, and Trip can't stop showing people his warp core. Meanwhile, Phlox finds a bit of religion, and Quantum entertains Heaven's Gate. Turning to the police blotter, the crew is hauled in and charged with breaking several laws of physics. Again.

Keckler

Play Dom Jot, Hu-mon!

Fortunate Son - Trailing extensive morals, Enterprise rushes to the rescue of a barge vessel after a Nausicaan attack. Mayflower gets back in touch with his "boomer" roots, while T'Pol plays nice with children. Trip's face-time was fairly short and his lines were blessedly shorter, but it does look like Reed made friends with the bronzing cream this time week. Special cuteness appearance by Porthos the Dog.

Keckler

Nobs And Nonsense

Civilization - Dude. T'Power Ranger is just rising in Keckler's estimation after this episode, and that can only be a sign of the Apocalypse. But we'll go with it because it's making Keckler happy. Let's see -- not enough Reed, so that means double Keckler's Earl Grey quotient this week; Hoshi had good hair, but we didn't see it nearly enough even when there was crucial a point when Quantum started hearing Pig Latin; Trip stayed out from underfoot for the most part; and Quantum got a little hot alien love. Well, it wasn't that hot. Like, Keckler still has her stomach contents.

Keckler

Here Comes The Bride, Siliconed, Green, And Snide

Breaking The Ice - T'Pol's nuptial hour draws on apace but o! methinks how fast this new show wanes. But soft! What wind through yonder ass breaks? It is the Captain, and Quantum is that name which by any other would still stink at his job. Mayweather and Reed are as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, but shalt not escape calamity. Get thee to a poddery, go! Was there ever a recapper that hath drunk so much Post Road as I today?

Keckler

Scent of a Vulcan

The Andorian Incident - I'm attempting to pick up the shattered pieces of my expectations and paste my faith back together, but since I only have this episode to use as a fixative, I don't think I'm getting anywhere fast. It sucked. It was stupid, boring, contrived, trite, and predictable beyond all possibly lousy belief. The Blue Man Group arrives at some Vulcan monk-hole and delivers bruises all around. There's some finagling and a "surprise" ending. Oh, and this episode was brought to you by Degree. I mean really, what was with all the comments about B.O.? I loathed this last hour of television so much, it made me miss Voyager.

Keckler

Friendship 2 1/2

Terra Nova - Once upon a time, there was this colony and it got lost. And there was some radiation. It was bad. Then it got found. And it was good.

Keckler

Cap'n Don't Preach

Unexpected - 'Cuz he's not keepin' the alien. Trip's called upon in the line of booty to repair some warp coils on an alien ship where the crew eats the walls, grows grass on the floor, and utilizes other mind-altering devices. Trip returns with a bun in the oven and no clue how it happened. I'd mention the rest of the crew, but TPTB seem to have forgotten their existence. It all just teaches you to keep your fingers in your own pebbles.

Keckler

Requiem For A Transporter Beam

Strange New World - An away team is sent to an uninhabited world, but things get trippy with some psychotropic pollen.

Omar G

The Worm Turns

Fight Or Flight - In space, life can get kinda dull. Especially when there's no need for quality DeCon time. But be careful what you wish for. Our stir-crazy crew stumbles upon an abandoned ship and finds some pretty sketchy experiments going on. Naturally, they must do some meddling and some butting in until they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar by a big, scary looking spaceship that decides Enterprise should be its next science fair project. I don't remember what else happened, because I fell asleep. Read the recap; it should bring you up to warp speed.

Keckler

What does Kirk need with a toupee?

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - You're not a movie...you're a travesty...sent by Shatner...to collect a pension.

Keckler

Yesterday's Enterprise

Broken Bow - Just sit right back and you'll read a snark,/A snark of a cosmic trip/That started from a stellar port/Aboard this new starship./The mate was a skanky Vulcan chick,/The skipper brash with pride./The astronauts set warp that day/For a three-hour ride, a three-hour ride./The Klingon started getting loud,/The Suliban were shrewd,/If not for the courage of the fearless crew /The mission would be screwed, the mission would be screwed./No cloak, no shields, no chamber pots,/Not a single phaser store/Like Robinson Crusoe,/As ancient as of yore./So join us here each week, my pals,/You're sure to shout with glee,/At seven horny space cowboys,/Here on Mighty Big TV!

Keckler

Q: Why did Kirk poop on the ceiling?

Trekkies - A: He wanted to go where no man has gone before. Do you ever wonder what Star Trek fans do at those conventions? Drink germy water and start dental practices, apparently. Not really interesting enough to keep me from shoving pins under my fingernails, Trekkies provides a slanted look into the lives of some Trek-riddled fans and a eyeful of Data/Yar porn.

Keckler