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I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to write because I honestly don't think anything happened in this episode. Let's see if I can winnow something out of my excessive boredom. In the middle of all sorts of wacky happenings that defy the law, orders, and by Trip's own words, "equations," of physics on board the ship, some alien pirates abscond with a bunch of important space things. Quantum stomps around in his new but already excessively played Season of Discontent and comes close to murdering an alien hostage for information. Hoshi acts bored, Mayweather bores, and Phlox orders a run-ragged Trip to get thee to a Vulcanry for some more node bumping. Once they trace the alien pirates to a very Borgish sphere, Hoshi rouses herself slightly to download some Xindi information that may or may not turn out to be helpful. We don't actually get the chance to find out. About the only significant thing that happens in this non-episode is that Enterprise finally has its first Rent-a-Red-Shirt death. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
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I'm not in a good mood. The agonizing fact that I have to rewatch this banausic blob of an episode is compounded by the fact that my iBook is in the shop, and by some complicated set-up -- that minimizes visual perception and maximizes back and neck pain -- I have to use my husband's PC. However, I have amended my earlier comment that this episode bored the checked pants off me, because some of the action, though predictable, wasn't that bad. BUT I still think these writers (hereafter referred to as "the poor, stifled writers") produced something that is far from satisfactory. People, I've been inundating myself with second-season Deep Space Nine, first-season The West Wing, and all manner of Farscape this summer -- don't tell me I don't know good TV.
A few "for instances": I didn't like how they handled the Chronicle of a Death Crewmanned part. I'm not saying they should have had a whole mopey funereal episode, à la Tasha Yar, but they didn't do anything, and it just fell flatter than a two-liter of Diet Coke left open in the San Francisco sun. Furthermore, Quantum's bounced around as Angry Unfun Ball in these last two episodes, but it's not he who lost his sister in the attack on Florida, it's Trip, and I see Quantum's anger mismanagement as ringing very hollow because of that. In fact, I resent that, by virtue of its existence, Quantum's anger has become another character on the show. An annoying, overused, overpaid, overemphasized character that walked on for the hell of it and convinced the director that his presence was necessary and vital to the story. Meanwhile, the characters I would like to care about -- if they were ever given the Keys to the Development Kingdom -- aren't getting squat.
Quantum puts in some desk time. Porthos (aww, Porthos!) lies on a cushion on the floor and whimpers. With a coldly disinterested look, Quantum glances at him briefly. Porthos whimpers again, this time getting to his feet, and howls a bit. Finally, Quantum says, "Come here." But without any hint of affection or kindness in his tone. I know they're trying to make Quantum all Angry Man Bad-Ass, but does it have to extend to being a prick to his puppy? Porthos runs over to his person and eagerly puts his paws on Quantum's arm. "What's the problem?" Quantum asks stonily. That's it -- I'm putting Quantini back into his box because there is no way I can be a Kinder, Gentler Keckler to this lout. No. Way. There's a thump as the camera shows that a book fell on the floor. Quantum replaces it and looks around.
Engineering. Trip fusses over some strange readings and orders an Enginerd to check a few more things.
Sickbay. Phlox's pharmaceutical pets rattle the bars of their cages and squawk. It's like there's an earthquake coming. What does it say that Phlox looks with more concern at creatures that are about to become tinctures than Quantum does at his own dog?
Mess. Crewmembers talk and eat until all their food trays, cups, and plates fly up to the ceiling and stay there. Somebody better call Father Lankester Merrin.
Scratch that -- better call in Bill Murray, because from the looks of the bulging path in the corridor, Enterprise has a rodent problem. That's some strong badger, too -- look how it's knocking people off their feet!
Back in the Mistreatment of Animals Office, Quantum starts as his coffee cup floats up in the air and the coffee slowly oozes out. T'Pol calls him to the Bridge. He leaves. Shouldn't he put some paper toweling down on the floor for when that particular anomaly rights itself? At the very least, make sure Porthos isn't in the way of falling scalding coffee? I loathe Quantum.
Bridge. T'Pol reports on all the anomalies anomalyzing all over the ship. May-Commented-Out mentions that the warp field is fluctuating as the lights fluctuate.
Engineering. The warp core vomits lightning bolts everywhere. Seriously, where is Max Von Sydow when you really need him? Trip can't figger out what's going on, and he can't shut down the reactor.
Bridge. May-Commented-Out announces that they are losing power.
Engineering. More lightning bolts from the core, and Trip manages to shut down the reactor.
The ship drops out of warp, and the nacelles flicker dark as the ship lists slightly to starboard.
If I do one "Our Father," ten "Hail Marys," and one "Glory Be to the Father," will the song stop writing "I suck, I suck, I suck" on my stomach? Will it work if I'm not Catholic?
Reed reports some power but no weapons, and Trip reports that it's going to take him a long time to clean up the all the pea-soup vomit in Engineering. May-Commented-Out picks up on a ship that appears to be adrift, and Hoshi can't contact them because their transceiver is burned out. Even though it seems like a really bad idea to me when you have minimal power and zero weapons, Quantum wants to go knock on their door and see who's waiting for them.
Enterprise approaches the darkened vessel. T'Pol reads no bio-signs, atmosphere, or artificial gravity, and Reed can't determine what happened to the ship in general.
Locker Room. Quantum and a few Uh-Ohs -- including the kick-some-alien-ass female Uh-Oh from last week -- stand around half-dressed as they put off getting into their EV suits until the camera can take in their bods. Quantum takes a quick poll of which of the Uh-Ohs have experience in gravity boots -- the results are inconsequential, since the important thing is that Quantum got to walk around in the small area without a shirt on, and the camera leched up female Uh-Oh's body -- and warns them to watch their steps. It looks like, although female Uh-Oh is wearing the same boy-cut shorts and jog bra that we've seen T'Pol in and out of, she wasn't given any spare dinners. And it's not just the military bit, but something about her reminds me of Riley's fiancée in "As You Were." Reed reminds everyone that even though they didn't pick up any bio-signs, there still might be things walking around. Quantum orders guns on stun. In a show of flexed muscles, female Uh-Oh cocks her gun. Ahem.
Oh, my lud, I haven't even gotten through the credits yet? If it's twelve-thirty on the West Coast, that means it's three-thirty on the East Coast...damn, I still can't drink yet. ["It's eight-thirty in England. Go for it." -- Sars] A sh'pod cruises to the adrift vessel, flips over and docks. An upside-down camera shot shows the team clanking around the darkened corridors. Do they really think we'd forget "Fight or Flight" that quickly? As the camera slowly rights itself, a random hightop floats across the screen. I guess the crew of this ship didn't want to die with their boots on. Reed notes weapons fire remains on the bulkheads. An Uh-Oh wrenches open a door and has trouble breathing when a dead alien floats out. They don't detect any external injuries on the alien, and move on to the Bridge. More alien bodies float around. The creepy music doesn't affect me in the least -- this storyline was a lot more freaky when the bodies were having their juices sucked out of them. Reed downloads information from the ship's computer.
Locker Room. Quantum disrobes and briefs T'Pol at the same time: "We counted seventeen bodies. Most died when the life support ran out, the others were killed by particle weapons." The Vermillion Velveteen Vulcan reports that the only thing that happened when he was gone was that Ho-shi-min (tm Demian) managed to get the transceiver back. At least she wasn't bored. Quantum orders May-Commented-Out to reset their course at one-quarter impulse. The Vermillion Velveteen Vulcan objects to making star tracks before their repairs are complete. "Those people have been dead for less than two days, whoever attacked them could still be nearby. We'll have to make repairs on the move," Quantum tells her, and adds that Reed got some info off the alien Bridge computer that might prove helpful.
Engineering. Trip blesses the reactor with holy water and attempts to bring it to life, but as it's still spitting up lightning bolts, Trip shuts it down again. Quantum checks up on him. "Creating a stable warp field isn't easy when the laws of physics won't cooperate. The Cochran Equation -- it's not constant here," Trip says. "Equations are NOT things that can be constant or not constant, you IGNORANT, LAZY BERMAGAS!" the Evil Dr. Mathra thunders. It may seem nitpicky, but the Evil Doctor's got a point. If you're going to be a sci-fi show, you should try to get some things right. I'm not talking about the technobabble shit they make up, either; I'm talking about something as basic as that kind of comment from an engineer. It's as ridiculous as Hoshi saying that German is a Romance language. All these small, nitpicky things build up over the years to make a big, dandruffy pile of Things We Didn't Care Enough To Research, and no amount of Michael Dorn selling Neutrogena T'Pol Gel is going to wash away the insult to our intelligence. Trip blathers how impossible it is to deal with his warp drive in the Expanse, and Quantum orders him to make the weapons a priority. "You worried about somethin'?" Trip asks. "Weapons, Trip, as quickly as you can," Quantum non-answers, and leaves. I don't know about you, but I always thought it was a helpful stimulant for a captain's direct reports to know exactly why they were working so hard on something. Sort of gives a little fillip to their work ethic when they know there might be killer aliens in the neighborhood. Quantum playing this close-to-the-vest game is distancing and stupid. Trip wonders to himself, "Now where's Isaac Newton when you need 'im?" Laughing at you, I believe.
Quantum's Quarters. The angrily furrowing captain blusters in and glares at the suspended coffee mug. He sits at his desk and fidgets. Finally, he snatches the cup out of mid-air and bangs it down on the desk. Okay, so it's likely that the coffee is no longer hot, but still, put something down to catch the spill, wouldja? Coffee stains aren't easy to get out when you're in space and far away from Spray 'n' Wash.
Outer space. A ship heads straight for Enterprise.
Bridge. May-Commented-Out tells his fractiously furrowing captain how close the other ship is. Reed reports that the ship is charging weapons, and Quantum asks for hull-plating. Reed can't do it, nor can Hoshi hail the other ship. The ship gets closer and closer.
Elsewhere on Enterprise, three aliens transport down and steal stuff. They shoot one crewmember down from the catwalk and miss another one. In another storage space, two more aliens transport down, knock out a crewmember with a blow to the head, and steal some more stuff. In the armory, Reed, Quantum, and some Uh-Ohs fire at the original three alien pirates. Once Quantum realizes that the warheads down below are armed (shouldn't that really have been something Malcolm noticed first?), he orders his team to hold their fire. Quantum orders the Uh-Oh to lob a stun grenade at the pirates. The stun grenade hits just as the pirates transport out. An Uh-Oh slides down the staircase in that I'm-a-bad-ass-in-that-I'm-only-going-to-use the-handrails way. Not to be out-testosteroned, Quantum copies him. Reed looks at a comm panel and tells Quantum there are six aliens left on the ship. Quantum orders him to sally forth and fight. They split the Uh-Ohs and go their separate ways.
Somewhere else, the alien pirates abscond with more stuff. On the Bridge, Hoshi reports that the pirates are trying to download their database. "Lock them out," the Veloured Vulcan Vixen orders. Shouldn't they have locked the database once they learned aliens were afoot? In Engineering, Trip crouches on top of the reactor and watches a single pirate's movements. He waits for his chance and then body-leaps down on him. Trip, I know you have a special knack for this, but it isn't exactly the time to get to know the alien newcomers. Trip knocks the alien out and dodges fire from the alien's pirate brethren. He leaps up to the reactor controls and rubs the core's back until it belches up lightning bolts, cornering the pirates. Reed leaps in and fires at the pirates. With all the lightning flashes, that seems pretty damn dangerous. The pirates beam out. Trip shuts down the reactor and nods at Reed. The camera pans to show us that the knocked-out alien is still with them.
Quantum and his Uh-Oh dart down a corridor, pause with their backs against a door, and dramatically fling open the door, guns drawn, to see...nothing. The entire storage facility or cargo hold is cleared out.
Outer space. The pirate ship takes off.
Sickbay. Phlox harriedly tends to his patients. Quantum enters and irritably asks how they are. "Stable. However, they've suffered extensive disruptor burns. I'd like to start them on regeneration but the imaging chamber was damaged in the attack, I'll need a repair team as soon as possible," Phlox tells him. "Understood," Quantum mutters, and walks over to a curtained-off area. He tears back the curtain to reveal a body covered head to toe by a sheet. The first casualty. As Captain Quantum's still togged out in the exact same furrow he's been wearing without washing since the first episode of the season, it's really hard to tell if he feels anything for this dead crewmember. Phlox tells him he did everything he could. Quantum almost tears the curtain off as he angers over to the prone alien pirate and asks, "What about him?" "A few internal injuries, I'll need to keep him under observation," Phlox says. "You can observe him in the brig!" Quantum growls. Oh, tough talker! Hey, have we even seen a brig before? Quantum orders the Uh-Oh to "See to it!" Phlox tells Quantum that he recognizes the pirate prisoner's species as Osaarian. "He's not from the Expanse?" Quantum asks. "Not originally," Phlox shrugs.
Quantum stomps off and meets Trip at the Sickbay entrance. Trip gives him the low-down on the pilfering: "They made off with three photon torpedoes, a case of plasma rifles, two dozen stun grenades, Chef says they cleaned out half the food stores, and Cargo Bay Two's been stripped to the bulkheads." Wait, did they take the salt and pepper shakers? Because then I'm going to be really mad. "But that's not the worst of it" -- here it comes, the salt and pepper shakers are lost to me forever -- "they took every one of our anti-matter storage pods. All we've got left is what's in the main reactor." "How long will that last -- a month?" Quantum asks. "Tops. After that, we're out of gas," Trip says. Gas schmass, I still have the salt and pepper shakers to look forward to! Although I will say that if they can remember the stripped resources in the storylines to come, that could make for some possibly interesting scenarios. Specifically, I think hunting and foraging for food would be far more cool than seeing them dicker with yet another dodgy arms and hardware dealer.
Enterprise glides with darkened nacelles.
Quantum's Quarters. Quantum tries to find out what T'Pol knows about the Osaarians. Apparently, very little. "The High Command hasn't had much contact with the Osaarians. They have a large merchant fleet but there's no record of piracy," T'Pol reports. She's also had no luck tracing the pirate ship, since they've managed to cloak their trail. T'Pol feels the need to point out that the Osaarians have obviously found a way around piloting a possessed ship in the Expanse: "Pursuing them will be dangerous. We should consider other alternatives." Quantum reeeeally doesn't like that idea. T'Pol says she was just suggesting they replenish their supplies elsewhere. Quantum orders her to keep looking. T'Pol leaves.
Quantum visits his POP ("Prisoner of Piracy") in the brig. Quantum stares at Pop for a bit before hitting the comm button and saying, "Dr. Phlox said your injuries were minor." Pop doesn't say anything. "Please get up," Quantum says, almost gently. Pop doesn't move. "I have a dead crewman," Quantum tells him. "I didn't kill him," Pop answers. "No, one of your friends did, but I don't have one of your friends, I have you, so get up and look at me!" Quantum shouts. See, there's a problem when Quantum gets angry and I get the giggles. I think it's because all he does is act angry so it's not like there's much of an impact anymore, and when he tries to get all tough, it's like he's parodying himself and playing it way too broad and I feel like I'm seeing a Quantum Impersonator. Pop thinks for a moment before getting suddenly up. Quantum ironically thanks him and tells him he's going to help him find his ship. Pop chuckles derisively. "And after I've taken back what they stole from me, you and your colleagues...are free to go," Quantum says, as though he were making a huge concession. Pop tells Quantum he must be willing to let more of his crewmembers die if he wants to go find the pirate ship. "I can't help you. Even if I could, my captain wouldn't be very interested in having me back. Not after I told you where to find him," Pop says. Good point. "That's a risk you'll have to take because the alternative is going to be a lot less pleasant," Quantum tries to threaten. Pop points a finger at him and laughs (I like Pop), saying he doesn't think he's got the profiteroles for torture. "You and your crewmen are far too civilized for that. Too moral," Pop taunts him. Quantum wants what is rightfully his, and says there's too much at stake to let his morality get in the way. Pop goes on a tear about how Quantum and Qrew are new to the Expanse, how their hull isn't reinforced with the magical Trellium D. "Do you know what a spatial distortion can do to a ship that is not insulated with Trellium D?" Pop asks. "What it can do [here he indicates the area on his face that looks melted and very much like F. Murray Abraham in Insurrection, pre-stretching] to the people inside that ship?"
Quantum doesn't really care about his dermatological hang-ups, and asks how his ship masked its ion trail. Instead of answering, Pop writes a sidebar about how clever and resourceful his captain has to be in order to survive in the Expanse. "So you were forced into piracy," Quantum states. Pop takes a really long time and a lot of speechifying to agree with that. Apparently, the Osaarians were just plain old merchants until they hit the Expanse and couldn't get out again. They lost a ship, they got bitter and didn't have therapists, so they became predators and hunted other ships that got tangled in this space-age Bermuda Triangle. "It takes time to learn to kill without remorse. You're not prepared to kill or torture. Not yet," Pop scoffs at Quantum. Yes, yes, we all read The Things They Carried -- get on with it. Quantum says he's prepared to do what it takes to find his ship, "and if that ends up causing me remorse, then it's something I'm willing to live with." With the predictable scene that comes up later, it's hard not to think Quantum was giving in to his ego in order to prove to Pop that he's just as scrappy as anyone else in the Expanse. I say the scene is predictable because UPN and Bermaga never gave me the chance to wonder about it -- not with all those promos. Quantum tells Pop to think about it, and leaves.
Situation room. T'Pol tells Quantum that the information they downloaded from the murdered ship shows that those poor creatures were also about to go after the Osaarians, but their life support failed before they could make a move. Since the murdered aliens found a way to modify their sensors to track the masked ion trail of the Osaarians, May-Commented-Out has started pursuing a modification course of their own. T'Pol reports that their hull plating is back online, and that they should have phase cannons within the hour, but Reed is still having brainfarts when trying to compensate for the anomalies on the torpedo guidance system. Quantum decides to help Reed out in the armory.
But he's not going to find him, because Reed's in the Mess Hall getting himself a cup of "black tea, hot." Oh, just say "Earl Grey" already! Reed sees Trip poring over some e-pads and asks if he's finished rewriting the physics books. "I don' think I'll be taking home the Nobelle Priiiize anytime soon," Trip drawls. I don't think I'll be surprised by that anytime soon. Malcolm tries to suggest to Trip that he should get some sleep, and then asks if he's still having trouble sleeping. Trip sighs and says, "T'Pol's been tryin' to help. Showing me how to stimulate my neural nodes." Reed looks intrigued. "It's not what you think," Trip says, catching the look. "I wasn't thinking anything," Reed says innocently. Trip asks about the weapons. "The Captain and I managed to bring the guidance systems online, but I'm going to need more time for the aft launchers. Fuller knew those torpedo systems better than anyone. He won't be easy to replace," Reed finishes, looking into his empty mug. Uh, except that Fuller was a she...? Trip looks down. "Considering all the hostile aliens we've met," Reed continues, "I suppose it's fortunate we haven't lost more people." Trip darkly doubts that Fuller'll be the last. Reed tells him not be cynical. Reed, honey, your lip gloss is sparkly and everything, but it's not being cynical to note the reality of the situation. Trip comments, "Every species we run into seems to be gunning for us. We might as well paint a giant bull's-eye on the hull." Hee -- can they please do that? Reed wonders if Trip thinks they should just turn tail back to Earth. "All I'm sayin' is that this mission, whether it succeeds or not, is lookin' like a one-way ticket all the time." I think he means it's looking more like a one-way ticket all the time. Maybe it's the wine (it's finally five o'clock here), but Trip is looking cuter to me all the time. Actually, screw the wine, I think it's the fact that he makes me laugh more than any other character on this show. To copy those annoying personals, "Kissing every day is sexy; laughing every day is sexier." I met an old college friend of the Evil Dr. Mathra at a wedding, and he was going on and on about how much the Evil Dr. Mathra made them laugh at school. He finally turned to me and asked, "You're married to him -- do you laugh every day?" Yes, I do. No matter what kind of day it's been, I always do. It's strange, too, because he's so quiet and downplayed that no one ever suspects what a freakin' goof he can be.
Bridge. Even though they've been able to track the ion trail, they still can't find the ship. T'Pol notes that where the ion trail ends, there's a gap before the trail resumes again; Hoshi puts a cool graphic up on the screen to illustrate this. Quantum wonders about the gap. They all hypothesize for a bit. Reed says, "Captain, the particle decay rates don't match. This one is at least nine hours old and this one was left less than an hour ago." Quantum orders, "Bring weapons online. Take us to where the first trail ends." Shel Silverstein suddenly popped into my head on that line. The ship shake-and-bakes, and the lights flicker. May-Commented-Out says, "I'm not reading anything." Not even your lines? Poor devil. Enterprise slips into a yellow fog and disappears. Reed reports power fluctuations, stuff explodes on the Bridge, the fore plating goes down, and the hull has microfractures. With a sound that is so very reminiscent of the Tie Fighters made in Star Wars, Enterprise comes out of the yellow fog. The viewscreen beholds a big, irony ("Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?" "Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.") orb. Yeah, yeah, that's-no-moon-that's-a-space-station-Star Wars-cakes, moving right along. They all stare in awe. T'Pol reports that the hull is made from a single alloy (why is that important? No, seriously, I've heard more about single alloys and married alloys in the last two episodes than I have my whole life -- what's the deal?) and Reed wonders, "Who could build something that big?" God. No, I don't mean that as an expletive; I mean that God could build something that big. If he were real. Or bored.
Finally, commercials! My ass fell asleep; I think some Saumur-Champigny from Hayes and Vine might wake it up a bit. Better get a case, just on the possibility that my ass shows signs of nodding off again.
Reed notes that the cloaking field around the Bad Breath Star is very large: "Whoever built this thing went to a great deal of trouble to conceal it." Well, can you blame them? The design is derivative, the color unimaginative, and the sheen just screams Dada-ist cliché. I mean, I think it's pretty obvious that the artist is over-compensating for something. Quantum says he wants to find out why the Osaarians spent eight hours there, and asks T'Pol for the interior results she can't get because their sensors are befuddled. Quantum wants them to look for a welcome mat.
Enterprise orbits.
T'Pol finds a doorbell that's made of the same stuff the Osaarians hull was made up of. Enterprise can't fit through, but a sh'pod can. And will.
Sh'pod. May-Commented-Out is behind the wheel, and the Uh-Ohs are in the back perfecting their brush strokes. Reed fusses over some technicalities and finds the locking mechanism. Quantum fires at the locking mechanism, and the doors open. That was pretty damn easy. I think the Bad Breath Star needs to call Brinks Home Security. The sh'pod flies in. There are multi-level cool effects inside, but I always have a hard time making out exactly what some of these things are supposed to be from such a distant vantage point. They find some modules with a breathable atmosphere and dock. "Let's hope nobody is home," Reed comments. I was saying that when you guys went in without knocking first -- how is it that this thing isn't fully loaded with masses of tripwires, alarms, and the like? They blowtorch their way through another door and walk around. Quantum notes the piles of stuff inside and says, "They've been busy." He orders everyone to search all the modules for their purloined stuff. Reed and female Uh-Oh pair up. "They're not going to run out of stembolts any time soon," Reed says, looking at something. But are they self-sealing? And what a sweet shout-out to DS9! Although, I gotta wonder what happens to stembolts in the future if no one -- not even O'Brien -- really knows what the hell they are. Reed finds Starfleet ration packs lying around.
In another module, Quantum violently shoves stuff around. I think the Uh-Oh is laughing at him. May-Commented-Out says he found something.
In another module. May-Commented-Out finds what he thinks is a cargo manifest. Quantum tells him to download what he can for Hoshi, and tell T'Pol they need more treasure hunters.
In another module. More searching.
Bridge. Hoshi gets to work on the cargo manifest.
In another module. May-Commented-Out finds torpedoes.
Transporter room. Although it's not exactly a room; it's more of a hallway. Sort of a transporter alcove, if you will. Stuff is beamed up and carted away. There are containers on the pad that look exactly like the ten-gallon stockpots we used at school! How funny -- maybe they're Chef's. Cargo holds are restocked.
Sickbay. Trip comes gasping in because he burned his hand on a reactor. Phlox gets some salve and a swab. "I culda sworn that injector was empty -- I must be getting a little punchy," Trip says. Phlox asks him when the last time was that he had his nodes nobbled. Trip admits to only having the one session, and attributes the lack of noding off to having no time. Phlox hints that Trip's a scaredy-cat. Trip denies this easily, and says he just can't afford to spend an hour in T'Pol's quarters every night. "Can't you jest give me another one of those injections?" Trip asks. Phlox denies him his valerian, saying, "They're not meant to be taken for extended periods." Phlox comes up with another treatment for Trip. This is going to be good. Phlox holds up a water-filled jar with black things snaking around in it. "Aldeberon mud leeches!" Phlox announces gleefully. "What am I supposed to do with them?" Trip asks, almost before Phlox finishes speaking. His delivery was perfect, and very funny. You know, I love Phlox, I really do, but his obsession with leeches needs to go. I mean, I get the whole medieval-doctors-used-leeches-and-isn't-it-ironic-to-be-using-them-this-far-in-the-future thing, but can't we mix it up a bit with equally repulsive results? How about dung beetles? Or silverfish? Or crane flies? I know they eat mosquitoes, but those things freak the pants off me! Phlox explains the leech application: "Place one on your chest and one on your abdomen an hour before going to bed. Their secretions act as a natural sedative. Oh, uh, please be careful to sleep on your back" -- Trip looks fearful -- "if you roll over you might anger them." That reminds me of when Ross goes to get his "fancier than a pimple" thing looked at on Friends and Guru Sage does something to "anger it." "Mebbe an hour a night with T'Pol izzint so bad," Trip decides.
Quantum broods out his Weight of the World Window (Hello, WOTWW! With all of Quantum's angers this year, he hasn't had much time for you, has he?) as T'Pol talks shop with him. "The search teams have found nearly eighty percent of our anti-matter -- they're looking for the rest," she says. "Probably running through the engine of that Osaarian ship," Quantum gripes. "We've also recovered most of our weapons," T'Pol adds. But the food -- you're still out of food, right? Because I really want them to have to forage for it. Quantum asks about Trip's progress, and T'Pol says they'll have warp back in a half-hour. Quantum orders the away teams sped up, because he wants to get under sail as soon as the drive's back up. Quantum leans closer to the WOTWW. "Quantum, scans indicate it's nearly a thousand years old," T'Pol says, indicating the Bad Breath Star. Okay, so maybe I punctuated that sentence wrong. She probably said, "Quantum scans indicate that it's nearly a thousand years old," but I gotta be honest with you, Jolene's delivery left both me and the Evil Dr. Mathra wondering. "What else?" Quantum demands. T'Pol gives him info about fusion reactors on the Bad Breath Star, three of which are still working. Quantum asks what they were designed for. "The sphere is emitting massive amounts of gravimetric energy. It may have something to do with the spatial anomalies," T'Pol says. Quantum orders more scans. Okay, color me with the confused Crayola. If the sphere has something to do with the spatial anomalies -- and I assume the anomalies we're talking about are the ones in the Expanse -- then why is it being used to store pirate's booty by the Osaarians? I mean, according to Pop, the Osaarians were forced into piracy by the very spatial anomalies that the Bad Breath Star is now responsible for emitting -- yet they are using the thing for storage? I'm having issues with the logic that isn't. And the annoying thing is that it could be good, but it's purposely confusing, and I don't have a whole lot of faith that they will actually explain it in a sense-making way. Or even to remember to explain it at all. Prove me wrong, Bermaga -- I dare you! Hoshi calls Quantum to the Situation Room.
Situation Room. Hoshi points out some gibberish she found when translating the cargo manifest that looks very much like the gibberish on the Psycho Bocce Ball. The shit thickens!
Cue the eyeball-paining hand-held camera. Quantum blusters down to the brig and bellows, "Your ship attacked a Xindi vessel, I want to know everything you can tell me about them!" "Xindi?" Pop repeats, bored. Quantum paces like a caged gazelle. "You heard me!" he shouts. Pop plays dumb. Quantum gets mad and says that the manifest says they took the ship two weeks ago. "What manifest?" Pop asks, still bored. "Tell me what you know!" Quantum shouts. "It was a small ship, they were no match for us," Pop says. Like VH-1, Quantum wants to know where are they now. Pop sniffs derisively. "You destroyed them?" Quantum demands. Pop says that as the Xindi resisted, they had no choice. Quantum asks where they came from. "I have better things to do than to familiarize myself with our victims," Pop drawls. "Which species of Xindi were they -- what did they look like?" Quantum yells. Pop affects not to be able to recall that information to memory. Quantum opens the door and rushes in, gun drawn. He hauls Pop to his feet and puts the gun to his throat: "Are you sure?" Pop isn't worried by Quantum's threats: "I told you -- you're too civilized." "We'll see about that!" Quantum says, and takes him off to overwean his ego. "Sir!" a security guard says. "As you were!" Quantum orders.
He drags Pop through the corridor, greeting random ensigns along the way. "Are you taking me to your torture chamber?" Pop taunts. "Shaddup," Quantum says, and forces him through an air-lock chamber. He closes the door and peers at him through the window. "The Xindi," he repeats. Pop still doesn't believe Quantum has anything behind his bluff. "This air-lock has a decompression rate of point-five atmospheres per minute," Quantum informs him. Pop looks around and folds his arms like a defiant child. Quantum goes to the panel and presses a button. There some air noise. Quantum tells him to talk fast because he won't be able to breathe a word in forty seconds. Pop makes strangled noises. Reed and security men run in: "Captain?" Without looking at him, Quantum tells Reed everything's under control. "The airlock's decompressing, sir," Reed points out. Pop presses his hands against the glass and chokes some more. "He'll die!" Reed apes the promos. "Not for another twenty seconds," Quantum spits out, just like he did in the promos. Reed watches the levels drop. "Sir," he urges. "Your memory getting any better?" Quantum asks. Pop nods with difficulty. "Say again?" Quantum demands. Pop raises his face to the glass and nods explicitly before falling on the ground. Quantum watches him as Reed says, "Captain!" Quantum opens the door and lets Pop come gasping in. I assume he won't get the bends because of his alien makeup? Pop rolls his eyes back at Quantum, who orders him back to the brig. Reed and the security guy take him back. It strikes me that Reed probably showed up at the scene because the security guard outside the brig called him up and said, "Uh, the captain just left with Pop and he had a wild look in his eye. Maybe you should get down here." Quantum tries to keep up the menacing look, but it makes me giggle again, so it's just lost on me. He's such a dork.
Situation Room. T'Pol asks, "Was he cooperative?" "Eventually," Quantum tells her. Now, does he mean that even when he brought Pop back to the brig, he still needed coaxing? Or is he saying "eventually" because he's glossing over the fact that he tried to strangle Pop remotely? I'm just wondering if T'Pol knows that Quantum went all airlock on Pop's ass when she asks that question. Quantum says that Pop's ship pirated the Xindi database when they attacked, and asks how close they'd have to get to tap into their main computer. I assume the "their" he's referring to is the Osaarians. Hoshi thinks they have to get within a kilometer, "but we need to have the access codes." "He gave them to me, here," Quantum says, handing her an e-pad. T'Pol wonders if it's "wise to engage them" since they are heavily armed. "I want that database -- go to tactical alert," Quantum orders. Reed gives him a look like, "Why haven't you referred to it as 'Reed Alert' yet?" before complying. May-Commented-Out says that they might have a hard time finding the ion trail again. Quantum says they're going to wait for the Osaarians to come to them.
Enterprise orbits the Bad Breath Star.
Bridge. May-Commented-Out reports that something is coming through the yellow fog. Quantum moves them into position, and they wait. He asks if they've detected them. "Not yet," T'Pol whispers. Hey, I have a question: why is she whispering? Enterprise fires at the Osaarians, and Quantum orders a channel opened. "This is Captain Archer -- remember us? You've probably noticed that we've got our weapons back online. You're outgunned. So stand down," Quantum orders. His answer is a blow to Enterprise that nearly knocks him off his feet. Heh -- that's not exactly standing down, is it? Idiot. May-Commented-Out says that the ship is moving off. Quantum tells Hoshi to get ready. Their hull plating is holding, and the other ship is moving into the yellow fog. Enterprise pursues. Hoshi announces that they aren't close enough. They get close enough. Hoshi announces that she's into their computer. Tell me something -- is it really hacking when you have the access codes right in front of you? I didn't think so. Hoshi pages through stuff, looking for the Xindi database. "I'm losing them!" she calls out, annoyed. "Travis!" Quantum barks. T'Pol announces that they are losing hull plating. Hoshi finds the Xindi database, but needs a few more minutes to complete the download. T'Pol announces hull fractures. Hoshi says she's losing her comm link again. May-Commented-Out says their impulse drives are destabilizing and they need to get out of the yellow fog. Quantum orders them back to the Bad Breath Star. Hoshi only got a third of the database, so Quantum wants to take the ship closer to the portal, hoping to lure the Osaarians back. He tells Reed to fire at the portal. May-Commented-Out reports no sign of the Osaarians. Reed fires again and explodes the portal. "That got their attention -- they're coming through," May-Commented-Out says. Quantum sits down. The Osaarian ship fires at Enterprise. Quantum wants them to stay within a kilometer and return fire. "I've got eighty percent, eighty-five..." Hoshi announces. More explosions on the Bridge. T'Pol reports that hull plating is offline and the Osaarians are targeting their reactor. They can't target the Osaarians' engines without damaging their main computer. "I've got ninety percent!" Hoshi updates. "Good enough," Quantum shouts. "Mr. Reed!" Reed fires at one of the Osaarians' engines and causes them to bump, skid, and spark along the surface of the Bad Breath Star. Cool. "Their engines are down," Reed reports. Quantum wants their weapons still locked on them, and he nods an acknowledgement to Hoshi, who nods back. Ten bucks says the ten percent they didn't get is actually the juiciest bit of the download.
Brig. Quantum retrieves Pop: "Your codes worked. Get him outta there." The security guard hauls Pop from the brig. "Now that I've served my purpose, you're taking me to the airlock?" Pop says. "Escort him to the launch bay," Quantum tells the guard, then tells Pop, "We're taking you back to the sphere." "So you have let your morality get in the way after all," Pop taunts. The guard takes him away. "Mercy is not a quality that will serve you well in the Expanse...Captain," Pop says as he walks off. Like Whitney, Quantum exhales.
Situation Room. Quantum walks in to weird '80s CASIO-type music. "Computer," he says, "load the Xindi database." That's not the first time we've seen the computer be voice-activated. In the first episode of the series, Quantum was talking his log into the computer, and he kept saying, "Computer, pause," all dreamily. In an odd reminiscence of Quantum Leap that I can't quite explain, Quantum stands there in the dark and allows all the colors of the database images wash over him. He may not know it, but he's right with the times with his colored light therapy. Let's see -- with the green, Quantum's eye problems and allergies will clear up, and the red will boost his circulation and stimulate his internal organs.
week, the crew of the Enterprise devolves, sort of. Actually, it looks really good. Except for the promos ruining the surprise factor.