I really think the overlay of "Do you feel me?" during the pre-previouslies is bizarre, considering none of the Greenettes actually said it.
As the ship heads toward an area that Quantum says they will be surveying for potential starbases, T'Pol analyzes one of the planets: "It's an M-Class world with a flourishing ecosystem; no intelligent life." Quantum is intrigued. "They did report one distinctive feature that bears mentioning -- a species of flying reptile, some reportedly over two hundred meters long." Quantum gives Hoshi a look all, "You know, my lizard's that long." T'Pol adds, "They're also said to breathe fire." Quantum: "Never mind." What? Considering how this episode ends up, I thought I'd start us off with a few male genitalia jokes in order to segue right into the extreme chauvinism. T'Pol admits there's been lingering doubts over the accuracy of the report. An approaching ship hails them. It's a beefy Orion who I am going to again call "Shrek." He tells them to deactivate their weapons ASAP or he will toast them.
Quantum and Shrek do a penis dance before they jointly agree to turn off their weapons. Shrek invites Quantum over to his ship to discuss business that he claims will heal the rift between Starfleet and the Orion Syndicate.
Walking down the corridor with two Uh-Ohs, Reed reminds Quantum and the ADD viewers that the last time they dealt with Orions, the Orions tried to enslave a few of the crew. Quantum pooh-poohs Reed's plea for Shrek to come over to their ship and steps on the transporter pad, intoning, "Anything to have one less hostile species out there," with a very sanctimonious look on his face. Shut up, Quantum's face.
Engineering. Trip gives some underling orders. Some snotty underling, who won't look him in the eye when he speaks to him, stalks off to pout under the warp core. "Kelby!" Trip calls after him. Oh, this is the new engineer. The one whose toes are now sore from all the stepping Trip does the longer he stays away from Columbia. Trip promises Kelby that as soon as the repairs are done, he's going back to Columbia. Kelby snippily opines that after four years with Trip on the ship, Quantum's still not ready to let him go. He stamps off. T'Pol comes over to ask if there's anything she can do to help. Trip gives her some technobabble to do. As he walks off, T'Pol calls after him and wants to know if he's been experiencing any "unusual daydreams." "Daydreams?" Trip repeats quizzically. "Accompanied by intense auditory and visual sensations that would involve me," T'Pol clarifies. Trip, the munch, grins, "You're wondering if I've been having daydreams about you?" Trip pretends to think about it and says, "No, nothing comes to mind." T'Pol tells him to skip it and walks away. Trip wants to know if she's been having daydreams about him. T'Pol says it's not important. "Are you going to tell me what this is about?" Trip smirks. "No," T'Pol says. Not until the end of the episode when Contrivance comes home from work.
Shrek's ship. Shrek pours blue alcohol into Quantum and Reed's rather girlie-looking pink drinks and elaborates about his career in commerce. See, Shrek prefers commerce to piracy. And who wouldn't? It's steadier work and you don't have to spend all that time sitting on a dead man's chest, which, let's face it, may be fun the first few times but it's not really what you'd call "hygienic." "This," Shrek gestures at the bottle of blue alcohol, "is from a planet in the Gorn hegemony." "The Gorn?" Reed asks, just in case we all didn't hear it the first time. "Yeah, the GORN," the Evil Dr. Mathra repeats, "they look a bit like me -- a little more papier-mâché. A little more RuPaul." "The less said about them the better," Shrek says. "However, they brew the finest Meridor in the five systems." "What? Not 'tranya,' or raktajino? Though I will have to kill them if they TOUCH Deep Space Nine and sully it with their canon-grubby hands," Dr. Mathra comments. Quantum sips: "Delicious!" "Yeah, he forgot to mention that Meridor contains trace amounts of human blood from the massacre on Cestus III," Dr. Mathra calls. Shrek is so pleased that Quantum enjoys it. Speaking of tranya, all these curtains and pillows in Shrek's drawing room do uncomfortably remind me of Clint Howard's tongue. Shrek tells Quantum that his reputation precedes him, but adds that as he's wanted by the Klingon Empire and the Orion Syndicate, he was expecting Quantum to have a more "robust appetite." Is he saying that he was expecting a fat guy? Because being the fat guy captain is all Shatner and Bakula's chiseled pecs better not forget it. Shrek says that if food doesn't arouse Quantum's hunger, he hopes his proffering will. He claps his hands, and three scantily-clad women with a raging case of jealousy wriggle in. They start to dance. Now what I want to know is, is the music part of the show's soundtrack or is there a green garage band behind one of those curtains? Reed's not sure which body part to goggle first, so he looks at the captain for assistance. Dinners it is. The Greenettes dance. They touch. They roll on the floor. Shrek asks what Reed and Quantum think. "I can't think," Reed says, confirming every single one of my suspicions for the past three years. "Captain?" Shrek prods, prowling behind Quantum. "I'd have to agree with my tactical officer," Quantum leers. The dancing and invisible music continues. "I think she likes you," Shrek says, promo-style, as one of the Greenettes caresses Quantum's face. Shrek bought her and her sisters at the same trading post Quantum and Dain'ta visited. Shrek then babbles about women having their own set of problems and being the same throughout the galaxy and I don't really get what he's driving at and I also don't really care. "He's talking to Quantum on his level," Dr. Mathra explains. "To get through to him, you have to be an ass." The Invisible Green Band suddenly stops playing and the Greenettes strike a pose and bow to the clapping and panting. "Now we can talk business," Shrek announces.
Back on Enterprise, Quantum tells T'Pol about the ridiculous scheme Shrek proposed. Starfleet helps Shrek mine magnesite on a planet that has enough of the stuff to build a thousand warp reactors, and Shrek gets ten percent. Not only that, but Shrek has offered to help establish a dialogue between Starfleet and the Orion Syndicate. Wow. Some days you get the moon AND the stars. Quantum's a genuine idiot for not thinking something was up with such a sweet deal, but I guess one can argue that he's already addled by the green eggs and ham that jiggled in front of him earlier that night. T'Pol wonders if Quantum is going to accept. Quantum already has. T'Pol thought Quantum was seeking her advice. No, no, he wasn't doing that, Quantum brought her to his quarters to tell her about the "gift" Shrek gave him to celebrate the deal. "Given the situation, I couldn't refuse." Yeah, given the situation of YOUR PENIS! T'Pol squints at him.
Reed leads the Three Green Sisters to their quarters. They play with their hair, swing their hips, and ask questions about the ship that Reed has a hard time answering. Other red-stripes also have a hard time not gawking at the velvet bikinis. There's also a Charles Dickens joke in there somewhere, but I'm not sure where to -- oh, wait, Charles Dick-ens, there it is. Reed lets Chartreuse into her room and tells Puce and Lime that he'll show them their rooms in a moment. "Captain Archer has a very large ship," Chartreuse comments. "It's roomy," Reed agrees. "But everything's so functional -- there's no color," Chartreuse pouts, standing really close to Reed. Obviously she hasn't yet met T'Pol and her amazing Technicolor catsuits. Reed admits that he never thought about it. "What's your name?" Chartreuse pouts. Stinky. His sex name is "Stinky." "Lieutenant Reed. Malcolm," Reed stutters. "Pleased to meet you, Lt. Reed Malcolm," Chartreuse says, moving close again. Mystical dream-like music plays as Reed tells Chartreuse that someone will be by to show her how to use everything. I guess he's not into water games. Chartreuse pouts and wriggles on her bed as Reed leaves to show Lime and Puce their rooms. I wonder if, when you send in your headshot to be on these shows, you want to highlight how good you are at pouting and wriggling. "Yeah, I went to the Jennifer Love Hewitt School of Pouting and I studied wriggling with Nicolette Sheridan."
Quantum logs that they're on their way to the planet o' magnesite. T'Pol approaches Quantum and ventures that she's been hearing some concerns from the crew. She thinks the Three Green Sisters are becoming disruptive. "You're telling me," Quantum murmurs dazedly before he shakes himself and says that people just aren't used to having Orions on board. "It's not just that," T'Pol elaborates, "our guests visited the Mess Hall this morning and, as a result, twelve crewmen reported late for their shifts." Wow. They had quads. Quantum gets the picture. "It's primarily their attire," T'Pol continues. "Or lack of it!" Quantum leers, but comically pulls an instant serious face when T'Pol boggles at him. You know, people who live in catsuits shouldn't throw stones at naked ladies. Quantum says he'll see about assigning them some clothes. Like that's gonna happen. T'Pol has more to say: "It might also be a good idea if you had a word with them." Quantum looks at her quizzically. "They're still under the impression that they belong to you," T'Pol explains. Quantum still doesn't get it. "Unless a new policy has been instated, I believe Starfleet doesn't condone slavery," T'Pol spells out for her green ham-addled captain. Quantum says he'll speak to them first chance he has. "Thank you," T'Pol says, and leaves. It's the clipped way Blalock delivers the line that make those two words priceless. It just reminds me of everything she's had to put up with from these testosterone-y freaks for the past four years.
In the ship's gym, May-Evergreen pumps iron. Hilariously, there's a redshirt in the background doing sit-ups on one of those huge inflated balls. He's trying hard to make it seem more manly by crossing his pumped arms over his chest as he sits up, but as far as I'm concerned he's in my living room doing sit-ups on my big silver ball while Suzanne Deason tells him to tuck his bellybutton into his pubis while he breathes from his toes. Reed stalks in and gets on a treadmill. May-Evergreen greets Reed as he continues to pump what look like boom boxes. Apparently, in the future, round barbells are déclassé. "Have you seen them yet?" Reed asks. "Ran into one of them in the corridor. They're really..." May-Evergreen pants and yelps as he finishes his set. Reed starts jogging and asks him what he's trying to do. "Get them outta my HEAD!" May-Evergreen grunts. "The pain helps." He picks up larger boom boxes and suggests Reed try it. Reed, already tired from his five seconds of running, stops the treadmill and joins May-Evergreen at the boom boxes. "When I was on my parents ship, we picked up some Deltans once. Their ship was having engine trouble," May-Evergreen shares. "I don't know that species," Reed says, starting to pump boom boxes. May-Evergreen drools on, "The females are UN-believably attractive!" And bald. May-Evergreen drops his boom boxes into their holder-thingies and explains, "I was fifteen. I couldn't think straight. I could barely breathe. The only thing that got me through it was weight training with my dad." You know, if he had just stopped with "weight training," I would have been fine. Happy, even. But then he added "with my dad" and I went to the scary place. May-Evergreen laughs gaspily at the memory: "He said if I was exhausted...idle hands and all that." Yes, because idle hands are the penises' playground. Reed asks if it helped. "Helped my biceps," May-Evergreen retorts. There's a joke in there about May-Evergreen and four seasons of no sex and ripped arms, but I'm too drunk to figure it out. Reed starts to pump with his pathetically small boom boxes. "I'd go heavier," May-Evergreen recommends.
Lime wanders into Engineering in order to play with her hair and distract people with her dinners and the mystical dream music that's following her. Lime thanks Kelby for his kindness in helping her "find the Mess Hall" that morning, and rubs up against the engines. Kelby, entranced, agrees to show her around. Female engineers, disgusted, proceed with their work. Keckler, drunk, keeps drinking.
Sickbay. Hoshi strides in, needing help for a headache. Phlox staggers over to her -- did something happen to Billingsley or is this pronounced limp part of his role tonight? -- and scans her. Phlox says another female officer was in there with a headache a few minutes ago but she was fine, just as Hoshi is. Hoshi assumes it's stress. "There's plenty of that going around," Phlox says. "Or it could be our new passengers," Hoshi ventures. Phlox doesn't see the connection. Hoshi shrugs and says she's not used to seeing "guys" trip over themselves like that. "Oh, just a little healthy sexual energy -- helps keep the blood pumping," Phlox tosses off. "If you ask me, it's pumping a little too hard," Hoshi retorts. Phlox is surprised she's the jealous type, and primes a hypospray with some Excedrin. Then he falls down. Hoshi rushes to his side. Phlox props himself on his knees and thinks he must be nearing a sleep cycle, but then realizes he had one a week ago.
Engineering. Trip glares at Kelby flirting with Lime, and reams him for not doing his work and for giving out intel about the warp core. Trip orders Kelby to get rid of Lime. Kelby refuses, so Trip confines him to quarters as Lime watches and smiles.
Quantum visits Chartreuse, who wriggles and pouts and plays with her hair. Quantum tries to tell Chartreuse that she's not his property, but she wiggles and pouts and kisses him. They make out for a bit until T'Pol comms that they are nearing the planet coordinates, and then they make out some more. I'm sorry, but I've seen a lot of Quantum Leaps where Bakula knew how to kiss. Here? Not so much. Maybe I can coach him.
Quantum, after exiting backwards from the turbo-lift, staggers onto the Bridge. Reed recommends a tactical alert in case it's a trap. T'Pol says they are definitely finding magnesite readings and then asks if Quantum is all right, since he's wandering around the Bridge furrowing at furniture. T'Pol picks up an energy reading above them, but can't tell if it's a ship because of some highly-ionized cloud layer. Ooh! Ooh! Maybe they're about to discover the Cloud Minders! If they're really clever, they can work in a reference to EVERY TOS episode before the end of the season. A ship of unknown configuration appears and fires. Since the unknown ship has such minor guns, there's barely any damage to Enterprise. Reed smirks that the ship could shoot at them all day and they'd barely sustain a scratch. Can we try that? I mean, just to test the theory? Please? You owe me! "Phase cannons," Quantum orders, all sweaty-faced and horny and just needing to have stuff come shooting out of his big...ship. Reed is surprised at the bloodlust. "A phase cannon hit will destroy them," T'Pol ventures. "Which means they won't be shooting at us any more," Quantum says, slumping sullenly into his chair. T'Pol thinks they should just withdraw. Quantum doesn't, and orders Reed to target them. Reed hesitates and then refuses. Woo-hoo! Can I get a mutiny over here? Quantum staggers to Reed's comm to fire on the ship himself. I'll bet he doesn't even know what button to push. May-Kelly announces that the ship is moving off of its own accord. Quantum glowers.
Lime and her velvet thong and strappy stacked silver heels saunter through the hallway to Kelby's quarters. She opens the door, enters, and makes out with him.
After the commercials, Kelby and Lime have done the deed and now lie in each other's arms -- green skin against white. It's like Martin Luther King's dream. And now, for obvious reasons, he's become Kelpy. Kelpy bitches about Trip, and Lime encourages him. Eventually, Kelpy says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and Lime gets all indignant about how she's used to "being" with men of action. Men who see what they want and just take it, regardless of consequence. Lime wants to leave but Kelpy begs her to stay. Lime asks, "What would you do to keep me forever?" "Forever?" Kelpy wonders. Forever, and that's a mighty long time but I'm here to tell you -- there's something else. The Afterworld. A world of never-ending happiness. You can always see the sun, day or night. Kelpy says he'd do anything she wanted. Lime juices.
Engineering. Kelpy messes with the engine and things start banging and popping. Trip bounds over to stop him and Kelpy punches him down. They fight. Trip finally knocks the sweaty-faced horndog to the floor and bellows orders at underlings to fix the damage.
In the corridor, Trip tells Quantum he doesn't know when or if they will get underway again. Kelpy really screwed things up. They walk into Sickbay, where Kelpy is strapped to a bed, screaming that he didn't do anything wrong. Kelpy raves that Trip is lying about everything. Quantum throttles Kelpy, demanding answers. Phlox tells him that Kelpy has abnormally elevated adrenaline levels and he needs a sedative. Quantum still wants answers, but Phlox tells him Kelpy isn't going to be coherent for a long time. "All right!" Quantum finally barks, twisting away from Kelpy's neck. "I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO ENGINEERING!" Kelpy screams. "BE QUIET!" Phlox bellows, hypospraying him severely. Hee. I wonder how many times he's wanted to do that to Quantum. Phlox finally has answers for all the weird behavior on the ship. A highly potent pheromone is elevating the metabolism in all the men, which is making them aggressive and delusional. Quantum glares at Phlox's findings. "The Orions?" Trip wonders. Phlox nods and says that the human women have also been affected with headaches and listlessness: "I suspect the pheromone acts as a defensive mechanism against competition." WHAT? Oh, I can't belieeeve -- are they serious with this crap? Do they want me to throw a massive party when this show says goodnight, Gracie? Because, as of this episode, I'm ordering crates of the canned wine, which is the exact caliber of drink this sexist show deserves! Yes, let's afflict the women with the same tired "excuse" they supposedly give when they don't want to be importuned by sex. Wouldn't that be funny? Wouldn't that be CLEVER? Aren't all the men just soooooo edgy for thinking of it? If I jammed this corkscrew in my eye would this all go away? When Phlox shakes himself abruptly, Trip asks if he's okay. "It's affecting my sleep cycle," Phlox explains, "I'm having to rely on [he jabs himself in the neck with a hypospray] stimulants to stay awake." Heh -- Billingsley's delivery was AWESOME! He can come to my Canned Enterprise party. Quantum notes that Trip seems unaffected. He walks over and starts looking at him closely, walking around him. Trip sort of frowns and moves back like Quantum's a mouth-breather. Hee. Okay, so maybe Trinneer can come with Billingsley -- especially because he's the one character I've changed my mind the most about since the series started. Phlox notes that Trip and T'Pol are the only ones resistant to the Three Green Sisters' B.O. However, he can't determine why without running more tests. Phlox adds that the effects are cumulative and the longer they are exposed, the more pronounced the symptoms.
Quantum stalks down to Decon with T'Pol trailing behind. The Three Green Sisters wriggle and pout in the blue chamber. Chartreuse wiggles up and pouts, "Is this what you meant when you said we were free to start new lives?" Quantum holds up a device and says they found it in their quarters. Chartreuse pouts about lack of privacy, but Quantum interrupts her to tell us that it's a communication device and they've been in touch with Shrek. Chartreuse is all, "So?" Quantum says they were sent there to disable the ship, and wonders if that was Shrek's plan from the start. Chartreuse pouts that Shrek just wanted to know how they were being treated. Wow, that's one concerned slave trader. Quantum repeats what Phlox just told everyone about the green B.O., and adds that it makes men susceptible to suggestion. It does? Quantum, jump out an airlock. You want to jump out an airlock. That airlock is calling to you. It's your home. Go to it. Go home. …I don't think it's working.
Lime denies having anything to do with Kelpy's sabotage. "It seems the only delusion here is your own," Chartreuse pouts, twirling her hair. "DAMMIT!" Quantum bellows, smashing his fist against the bulkhead. "It's time to start telling me the truth!" Chartreuse pouts calmly that she's worried about him: "You don't seem well." No -- it's okay, he always acts like this. What? Oh, you're going to tell me Quantum doesn't routinely put people in holding cells and then loudly proceed to lose his shit? I didn't think so. Quantum says it's their own green skin they should be worried about. "I can see you're not very experienced at making threats," Chartreuse says, wriggling over to the glass wall. He's not? He certainly practices it a whole helluva lot. "I'm a lot better at carrying them out," Quantum pants. Oh, you are so NOT! You never throw people out of airlocks when you say you will! In fact, you are the captain who cried "airlock." Chartreuse pouts that she and her sisters were nothing more than gifts, and a "true commander" would know how to appreciate such a gift. Yeah, and he wouldn't throw away the wrapping paper either! I don't even know what I mean by that. Quantum leans into the glass and whispers for her to tell him when Shrek is coming to attack them. Chartreuse leans in and whispers back that no one is coming to attack them. "Please...release us," Chartreuse whispers, staring at Quantum's lip. She walks sideways along the glass wall. Quantum parallels her movements. She looks down at the control panel. Quantum raises a finger to the control panel. "Captain," T'Pol states. Quantum looks up and over at T'Pol, who is giving him an "Are you kidding me with this shit?" look. He immediately recalls himself and snatches his hand back. "I'm obviously not the only woman with power over you," Chartreuse comments. Quantum slinks out. T'Pol follows, giving Chartreuse a long look as she walks. Chartreuse cocks the Bitch Eyebrow at her. T'Pol rolls her eyes and looks away. It was a nice moment. Chartreuse pets her own hair and stares at the Uh-Ohs guarding them. They have MALE Uh-Ohs guarding them? Why are they stupid? Please, I want to know. I want to understand. There has to be a reason, right? I mean, it's not that the writers really want us to totally lose all respect for every person on this ship, is it? IS IT? Oooh, maybe it is. Maybe it's their revenge. "If the Bermaga can't respect this show, NO ONE WILL!"
In the corridors, T'Pol and Quantum argue about where she's needed. Quantum wants her helping Trip in Engineering, but T'Pol thinks she should be on the Bridge. "I don't need you looking after me," Quantum snarls. Given that you're the one who brought the Orions aboard in the first place, and that you almost just let them out of Decon, I'd say, yeah, you do need her to look after you. Freak. Quantum says she has her orders.
Engineering. Trip puts T'Pol to work and they hypothesize whether Shrek really is coming after them. Trip remembers how naïve he was when they met the Suliban because he thought it was the last time they'd have to fight someone. Yes, yes -- it's been a long road. Getting from there to here. Of course, we have to have a little ironic segue, because just as Trip says "fight someone" a few of the engineers starting beating each other up. Trip breaks it up and yells at them to get back to work or it's the Brig for them. He and T'Pol comment about all the fights breaking out throughout the ship. T'Pol expresses concerns over Quantum's level of affectedness. Trip can't figure out why he's still immune. "That might have something to do with me," T'Pol says. Trip's all, "How's that go again?" "There's a long-held belief that when a Vulcan mates, there's a shared psychic bond," T'Pol explains. Oh, I may THROW UP! Trip rolls his eyes and says, "We didn't mate!" What? Yes, you did -- you had sex, Trip. See, that's mating, you munch. "Uh-huh," T'Pol says, rolling her eyes. Hys. Terical. She is ON tonight! Trip wants to know what she means by "psychic bond." "Feelings, thoughts, even images can be shared," T'Pol says. "Those daydreams," Trip mutters. "What?" T'Pol demands. Trip sighs and admits that he lied about not having daydreams about her. But what does their soul mateyness have to do with him not being affected by the Orions? I'm glad you asked. Well, actually, I'm not, because the answer is ridiculous. Apparently, because Vulcans are immune to the green B.O. and because they are now Soul Mates, Trip SHARES that immunity. Yeah, okay, whatever. Trip says, "I don't know whether to be relieved or reaaaally worried." If you don't know, then you're dumber than I thought. Also, given that Quantum carried SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, and you really can't get more psychically bonded than that, why isn't he also immune, hmmm? By the way, I'm all for contusion continuity, but Trip's bruise looks more like a hickey.
Bridge. Tactical alert. Shrek shows up, and Quantum tells him that he isn't going to get them without a fight. Shrek says he'd rather not kill him, but if that what it takes he's more than happy to comply. That's what it takes, Shrek. It really is. Make no mistake, you're going to have to kill him. Do it. Please. For me. I've suffered so -- with the furrows and the gazelles and the godliness. "The Syndicate wants your head, Captain," Shrek explains, "and they don't really care whether or not it's attached to your body." Quantum stands there looking horny and outraged as we go to commercials.
Shrek fires at the dead-in-space Enterprise. Enterprise fires back and gets their forward cannons knocked down. Quantum demands more power to their thrusters. They lose their aft cannons. Trip lightens the gravity to aid the thrusters. They lose their torpedoes. Shrek powers down his weapons and locks onto them with a towrope. Enterprise can't break the tow. Shrek tells him to enjoy the ride. I thought he already did. Quantum spits at him to let loose his ship. Shrek opens his hand and says, "It's truly out of my hands -- we are both slaves to the situation." And from that, and ONLY that, the hormone-addled Quantum figures it all out: "They control you?" "You finally realized that. Yes, Captain, you've been operating under a misconception -- it is the men who are the slaves, not the women." So, if the men are the slaves, why are the women being sold by the men? Is Bermaga trying to tell me that the women CHOOSE to be bought and sold as commodities? That's the enlightened Trek we're supposed to revere and respect as our bright future? Fuck that. And fuck them and their horny misogynistic wet dreams.
Engineering. T'Pol and Trip realize that the grappler towrope is just above their main deflector shield. TPol gets her ass up to the Bridge. Trip scampers around, being a Chief Engineer.
T'Pol gains the Bridge and gives Quantum a dirty look before she goes about her business of SAVING THEIR ASSES. Quantum walks around to T'Pol's console, and she explains that she will use the deflector shield to send a positron burst through the towrope, which will trigger an energy cascade. Quantum adds, "And disable his power systems. Do it." Aw, FUCK you, Quantum! She was already DOING IT and she didn't need YOUR horny ASS to figure it out, EITHER! Dick. T'Pol and Trip proceed with the plan. The Three Green Sisters wriggle and pout out of the turbolift and gain the Bridge. Reed tries to get the Decon guards on the horn. Chartreuse tells him there's no one there anymore. "What did you do to my men?" Reed demands. "We asked them to leave -- after they released us," Chartreuse says. And this is where I start seeing red. Or maybe it's green and I'm just colorblind. I mean, how fucking STUPID are you to put MEN on guard when MEN are the ones who are MOST SUSCEPTIBLE TO THEM?! Quantum orders them to get off his Bridge. "Is that what you really want?" Chartreuse pouts, wiggling against him. "Because if it is, I'll gladly do as you say." Hoshi looks concerned. DO SOMETHING! You're a black belt in aikidon't -- why aren't you proving that the writers weren't just filling your character out in the final gasps of this series? "I only want to make you happy," Chartreuse says, stroking his chin. Puce shows Reed her abs and he can't look away. Quantum is transfixed. "I didn't think you wanted me to go," Chartreuse murmurs. "Captain!" T'Pol chokes out. T'Pol, you're a Vulcan and you're immune to the headaches that might, albeit pathetically, be holding Hoshi back from kicking some serious green ass -- why aren't you passing out nerve pinches and beatdowns? Why haven't they called ALL the women on the ship to the Bridge, including the expertly trained female Uh-Ohs, in order to leave three green stains on the Bridge? Why? WHY?! Chartreuse tells Quantum that T'Pol is jealous and will do anything to keep them apart: "She'll even destroy your ship." "Her presence is affecting your judgment," T'Pol calmly informs him. "Arrest her," Chartreuse offers. "Don't listen!" Hoshi snaps. Hoshi, stop talking and go snap some necks like asparagus spears. "Do it," Chartreuse says, getting in Quantum's face. "Captain!" Hoshi says, getting to her feet. "Lieutenant Reed," Quantum murmurs. Reed is still transfixed. "Yes?" he mutters. "Take T'Pol to the Brig," Quantum says. "You heard your captain," Puce says to Reed.
Reed gets up, phaser drawn. "Aye sir." But then he's knocked down by a phaser blast to the chest. It's Trip. Come to save the day. Because he's a man. And not only do the women NEED a man to rescue them, but, apparently, they also aren't issued their OWN FUCKING PHASERS! Quantum stumbles over to stop Trip but gets shot in the chest as well. I love you, Trip. Quantum face-plants himself in his smelly old captain's chair. You want to know the truth? I'd be happy if he remained in that position for the rest of the season. May-It's-Not-Easy-Being-Green-But-It's-Harder-Being-Invisible gets up. Trip shoots him to the floor and tells T'Pol they're ready. She sends a positron burst up the towrope and disables Shrek's engines and weapons. Trip keeps his weapon pointed at Chartreuse. And by "weapon," I actually mean "weapon." "Commander Tucker," Chartreuse pouts, wriggling up his way. Lime and Puce follow suit. "I'm impressed. I'm beginning to see who is the true master of this vessel," Chartreuse says. "Beginning"? Bitch, please, we've been seeing it for several seasons, now get the fuck off my Bridge. Uh, I mean, the Bridge. I'm all riled up right now. "Aw, save it," Trip says with a sneer that actually makes me love him a bit more ridiculously. "Captain Archer runs this ship -- yer sweet-talking the wrong guy." He dismissively orders them to come with him. Chartreuse's face falls as she and her green sisters pout for real this time.
Quantum logs that he returned the Three Green Sisters to Shrek. Do you think he got his sperm back? You know, because of returning the goods and the fact that they had sex? Shut up. It sounded good in my head.
Sickbay. Phlox hyposprays Quantum, who nearly bites it when he tries to get off the table. Phlox tells him the dizziness will abate in a few hours. But what about the furrows? Will those abate, like, ever? "At least the pheromones are wearing off," Reed adds. "I haven't thought about the Orions for what? A whole ten minutes." Trip says the entire crew is bumping into walls as though the water's been spiked. Just as long as its not the Kool-Aid. Phlox says the withdrawal systems will be around for a few days. "Well done," Quantum stiffs out, looking at the floor. "Thank you, Captain," T'Pol says proudly, her chin tilted up, her arms crossed. "You'll be glad to know my log won't mention your firing on a fellow officer," Quantum tells Trip. And I suppose the log also won't mention that you were dumb enough to screw an Orion slave? Because it's better for you to keep such embarrassing facts out of it? If I were Trip, I'd insist that the whole firing on the horny captain thing get added to the log. In bold type. It can only help his future career. Sadly, Trip says he appreciates that, and T'Pol adds that a court martial would hardly be a fitting end to this "incident." "But at least we've learned something about the Orions," T'Pol says. "Yeah," Reed sniggers, "the women are in charge." They were sure as hell in charge of your ass, Stinky, so stop being so snide about it. "It proves that even some of the most disagreeable species have some positive attributes," T'Pol says. The men all look puzzled. Probably because they can't figure out why having women in charge is a positive attribute. Because his mother never told him it was rude, Reed points a finger at T'Pol. "Was that my imagination?" Quantum asks. "I don't think so," Reed says. If you watch only T'Pol and Trip in this scene, you see Trip give T'Pol a tiny conspiratorial smile and shake his head slightly. It was cute. "It almost sounded like you were making a joke," Quantum furrows. "At least trying to make one," Trip adds. Reed snorts. "I assure you, if I ever decide to make a joke, you'll know about it," T'Pol informs them, quite possibly quoting Spock. Trip stands up straighter and says, "There it is again!" "T'Pol," Quantum says, shaking his head, "if I didn't know better, I'd say you were picking up some of Trip's bad habits." Making jokes is a bad habit? This whole scene may have been cute (even if they were so obviously and desperately trying for the Cracker Barrel), but I think Quantum's observation is a little too forced when we already know that's the reason for T'Pol's behavior. I think we're to believe that Quantum doesn't necessarily know about the Psysick Bond yet, but that's what makes it so clumsy. Trip guffaws. T'Pol looks indignant.
Outside of Sickbay, Trip says they proved again that they make a "helluva team." T'Pol agrees that they do work well together. "Even more that we're in each other's heads," Trip says. Or in each other's...other things. T'Pol states, rather than asks, that Trip is returning to Columbia. Trip says he is, and thinks Kelpy can handle the rest of the repairs. T'Pol is doubtful. Trip stops walking and demands why T'Pol doesn't just say that she wants him to come back. T'Pol says that she pretty much just did, since she said his return would be "beneficial to [their] operations." Trip wants her to admit she wants him back. T'Pol says she doesn't know what he means. "My mistake," Trip bluffs, "see ya around." He starts to walk away. "Wait, Trip!" T'Pol says. Trip stops and looks at her. "I want you to come back," she heaves out. Trip nods and says he'll think about it. He starts to walk away again. "Trip!" T'Pol barks, and follows him. He rolls his eyes and turns around. She grabs his face and kisses him. They break apart. Trip nods and wipes his mouth. "Three days ago," he says, "I told Captain Hernandez I wanted to transfer back to Enterprise." So, you were playing with her head? That's real mature, buddy. Trip realized that he belongs on Enterprise, "and that this thing between us? Wuzzint such a big deal." T'Pol agrees. "Guess we got a lot of work to dew!" Trip says, and walks off. T'Pol takes several moments with herself before heading off in a parallel direction down a different corridor because her trajectory, paired with Trip's final comment, is supposed to be all meaningful and shit.