Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a lovin' night.
We open with Bozeman, Montana on April 5, 2063. Yes, it's the camp from First Contact. Yes, this is going to be awesome. Yes, I am Keckler, and no, aliens have not taken over my body. Unless you count Spock, in which case it's really none of your business, actually. The Vulcan ship lands and the people push forward. According to Mike Sussman's podcast, everything with the bearded guy is new footage and they shot it on film to match all the First Contact clips. They had to rebuild part of the Vulcan ship so they could have new shots of it in the background. The First Contact theme swells, Zephram Cochran steps forward, and Dr. Mathra and I get all choked up. First Contact is probably my favorite TNG movie. The First Vulcan throws back his hood and salutes. Zephram can't get his drunk fingers to return the salute and, instead of him shaking the Vulcan's hand as he did in the movie, we cut to a shot of "Zephram" sticking his hand into his coat, pulling out a gun, and shooting the "First Vulcan." The shot shows only arm and chest. No face. The bearded guy also pulls out a gun, bellowing, "Board their ship! Take everything you can!" Other Montanans pull guns and storm the Vulcan ship, shooting all the way. Damn. Not since "Twilight" have we rewound the opening so many times.
I had snark ALL ready to take the place of "Faith" this week, but in the Mirror Universe, there is NO FAITH! Instead, we get a creepy, menacing, militant orchestral theme with shots of war and destruction. The white show title darkens to black. It's easy but I love it. They keep a few clips of the original credits sequence, but the man on the moon is dressed in a copper EV suit and the flag he plants is the sword through the Earth symbol of the Terran Empire on a blood-red field. It's sort of fake-looking but I DON'T CARE! They take the original shot of Enterprise soaring over us and have it firing on the planet below. A choir comes in to do that effectively creepy "Ah! Ah! Ah!" as we see some shots that are probably from past episodes, but I really don't want to ruin the magic by dissecting them. The opening credits end with the glowy red Terran Empire symbol flying up to the center of the screen. The red glow is very TOS and very nice. We rewound this sequence several times as well. Never done that before. You know, given that Bermaga's names appear on either side of the Terran Empire symbol, it's almost like they are the evil empire.
I'm sitting here. Mouth agape. Fist bruised from pounding the sofa. NOW they cancel the show? Where were these writers when...and why...just...sob. Excuse me. I need a moment.
People, when I realized that Vaughn Armstrong was brought back to be evil, I just about lost it. Three years ago, at the close of the first season, I said, "See, I think Forrest is going to turn out bad. First of all, no one can act that wet and be real, and secondly, this is the only time we've seen a repeat Admiral that the captain of the Enterprise reports to." I then hypothesized that he could be Shower Guy and proceeded to constantly call him Evil Admiral Forrest on the strength that he was too boring to be anything but evil. It was a joke. But when that joke got realized in this episode -- yes, they made him a captain, but big diff -- I decided that I'm just going to have take it as a shout-out. I just am. If you don't agree, I don't care because I'm lovin' it. And this is the deal, I'm not coming up with an evil name for Forrest because, cha, he's ALWAYS been evil. However, I had several evil names lined up for Quantum (among them, Scott Evil) but I decided Evil Leaper captured it neatly.
We get a shot of the top of the ship and we can see that it has been PT Cruisered with yellow flames and also has the Terran Empire symbol painted on it. By the way, the ship? In true TOS Mirror Universe form? Is called the I.S.S. Enterprise. Yeah, baby. Evil Cpt. Forrest logs that they are meeting up with their "assault fleet" and that Reedvil and Phlevil want to show him their "latest project."
A Starfleet-uniformed Tellarite is tortured in the Agony Booth. As Reedvil and Phlevil take turns elucidating the many pleasures their Agony Booth can provide, I note two things. Keating has dropped his voice and subtly comes across as very smooth, very calm, very evil. Of course, bring British, I guess it wasn't much of a stretch. You know, I quite enjoy every ounce of his acting in this episode. And the lack of lipgloss is very manly of him. Phlevil, on the other hand, seems higher-pitched and grating. Also excellent. Forrest thinks Phlevil enjoys his work too much. Phlevil grins. Evil Leaper wants to know, "What exactly did Mr. Terev do?" Go figure, Evil Quantum is as much a goody-two-shoes as Quantum Regular and also has just as big a sequoia planted up his ass. TIMBER! Sorry. Evil Reedvil sneers that he doesn't rightly know and hypothesizes he was late for his shift or some such, adding, "Aren't all Tellarites guilty of something?"
Evil Leaper and Evil Forrest stalk down the red-lit corridor as guards do the chest-banging closed-fist heil salute. Evil Leaper is nattering about an already rejected proposal to go into Tholian space to look for something that would increase their technology and possibly end the war. Forrest sneers that Evil Leaper's a medal-seeking glory hog. Yeah, that's about the size of him. In both universes. Evil Leaper sniffs that his only concern is saving the Empire. Forrest orders him back to his station. Evil Leaper argues. Forrest threatens him with the Agony Booth. Evil Leaper ceases to argue. All the men have black hair in this episode. It's subtle and effective, even if Bakula's hair is a bit on the poofy, Garibaldi side and had me thinking it was a wig.
Forrest works in his quarters as Hoshi saunters in. She's undressed in filmy black lingerie. Climbing onto Forrest's lap, she tuts his nose for doing work in his "sanctuary." I don't think Evil Captains enjoy having their evil noses tutted. She-Ho and Forrest make out. Forrest thinks she's the only one on the ship he doesn't mind giving in to. And getting into. "And probably the only one who doesn't want to slip a knife into your back," She-Ho adds. She observes that the scuttlebutt is that the battle at Tau Ceti (place where Federation defeats the Romulans using the Cochran Deceleration in Kirk's time. It's also the place where Continuity happily wets its pants) went well. Forrest contradicts her that, actually, no, the battle didn't go well at all. He slings back a drink of something in those new and instantly ubiquitous stemless Reidel "O" wine glasses that I despise and says they lost twelve ships, but the crew isn't to know that. "Forget about the war," She-Ho says, leaning in, "this is our time." To have sex.
Forrest strides down the corridor and stops at a turbolift. A guard opens it for him because when you're evil, you don't bother with pushing buttons yourself. Even if the buttons themselves are evil. As the doors open, the button-pushing guard gets immediately shot by Reedvil, who was lying in wait in the turbolift. Forrest starts to make a move towards his weapon, but Evil Leaper shouts, "Don't!" and comes out of hiding with...is that...Mayweather? With an earring? And Eddie Murphy "My Girl Wants to Party All the Time" hair? Sussman called it Arsenio hair, but it's SO not. Arsenio's hair was squared off into a Legoland flattop. May-Evil is definitely rocking the vintage Axel Foley. Forrest tells Evil Leaper he'll hang for this. Evil Leaper ignores him and orders Reedvil to escort Forrest down to the Brig. The Brig of EVIL! I just can't help myself. Everything's funnier tonight. Reedvil would rather escort Forrest to an airlock, but even in the Mirror Universe, Evil Leaper still doesn't have the balls. Oh, I should mention that Reedvil is Major Reedvil, and he and Sergeant May-Evil are both Uh-Ohs with awesome skull Uh-Oh patches on their all black uniforms. Reedvil pauses before shoving at Forrest with his gun and comments, "Still, it would be tragic if there were an accident on the way to the Brig." Evil Leaper throws Reedvil against the bulkhead and threatens to kill him if anything happens to Forrest. I'm sort of bored by Evil Leaper.
On the Bridge, a long-haired (it's an evil wig, apparently) T'Pevil slouches in the captain's chair, and guess what? She's actually in uniform. Sort of. See, the "uniform" is made up of a cropped, tailored top and low-riding slacks with nothing in between to get in the way of Jolene's ravenous 8 Minute Abs. Well, that's predictable -- they finally get her into a uniform, only to get her half out of it. T'Pevil leaps up as Evil Leaper and May-Evil charge onto the Bridge with another Uh-Oh pointing a gun at everyone. When Evil Leaper doesn't tell her where Forrest is, T'Pevil orders an underling to call security. May-Evil shoots him before you can say "evil redshirt." I like May-Evil. He's a man of action. T'Pevil backs away from the captain's chair, silently conceding defeat. Evil Leaper comms the entire ship that he's relieved Forrest of duty and is now taking command. She-Ho, reclined on a big ol' pile of pillows and comfy-looking duvet in her quarters, looks only mildly concerned. In Sickbay, we get a shot of several creatures splayed open by dissection pins and scissors as Phlevil listens to the announcement that, in accordance with Starfleet orders, they are going into Tholian space on a secret mission. One of those splayed creatures sort of looks like a Cardassian vole. In Engineering, Evil Trinneevil turns his face to show its melted side and grimaces over Evil Leaper's prediction that they will crush the rebellion once and for all. You want to know the sick thing? I think he's much more attractive with half his face melted. Now he's tough and rugged and less Dubya-y. I may need help.
Back on the Bridge, Evil Leaper delivers one of his stiff, boring, "inspirational" speeches: "No crew in Starfleet has been tested more in battle. I know I can count on each of you to perform your duty to the best of your ability. Nothing will impede our march toward victory. Long live the Empire." Evil Leaper bang-heils. The Bridge crew follows suit and intones, "Long live the Empire" with as much energy as Evil Leaper had, which is none. T'Pevil bang-heils, intones, and glares. Sometimes she's nothing short of awesome. Especially when she channels my feelings perfectly. Everyone else goes about their evil business, but T'Pevil sneaks up behind Evil Leaper and tells him they've received no such communiqués from Starfleet as the ones he was quoting. They were sent on a private channel. T'Pevil would like to see them. "All in good time," Evil Leaper says, and sets a new course. Have you ever noticed how only evil people say, "All in good time"? He orders T'Pevil escorted to a cargobay to retrieve a Suliban cloaking device. T'Pevil is to bring it to Engineering and help Evil Trinneevil install it. They need the cloak for the mission. T'Pevil leaves with her Uh-Oh escort. Evil Leaper sits his evil butt in the captain's chair and gives it a rubdown (the chair, not the butt. Although, with evil him, who knows?), relishing the new throne. Look, I get what he's doing, but given that he's Forrest's evil number one, wouldn't you think he's sat in that chair many a time?
Captain (his emphasis, not mine) Evil Leaper logs that the crew seems okay with the change in command and the ship will have cloaking capability soon. In his evil Ready Room, Evil Leaper strokes a weapon. An actual weapon -- this isn't I Dream of Greenie, people. T'Pevil says the orders Evil Leaper cited earlier appear authentic. "'Appeah'?" Evil Leaper repeats. Yeah, I don't get the weird inflection either. Bakula has it come and go throughout the episode -- it's all breathy or British or something. "All I requiah from you is your loyalty," Evil Leaper says, turning from his Weight of the Evil World Window. "Do I hev it?" T'Pevil intimates that he does. Evil Leaper holds up the strokeable weapon and says it's the self-same gun Cochrane used to kill the First Vulcan. He wonders aloud what would have happened if the humans hadn't attacked and overpowered the "Vulcan invasion force." "Humans might be your slaves instead of the other way around," he finishes. T'Pevil flinches and says she's not a slave. Evil Leaper steps into her face: "You're Vulcan -- nevah fohget thaht." Given his evil breath, I don't think she's likely to do that. T'Pevil thinks they've crossed into Tholian space by now, and Evil Leaper gives her a data disk and orders her to tell him when she finds the warp signature that matches the one on the disk. Evil Leaper informs T'Pevil that, although Reedvil is in the line of command, he can't follow orders, so Evil Leaper's promoting her to First Officer. When T'Pevil mentions his hatred of Vulcans, Evil Leaper bites out that maybe it's his way of saying "thank you" to the Vulcans for all the technology the humans snatched from them. Without it, the Terran Empire wouldn't be where it is. T'Pevil's dismissed. Evil Leaper puts Cochrane's gun back in its place on his -- or probably Forrest's -- evil wall of weapons.
Evil Leaper apprises May-Evil of his promotion: "Serving as my personal guard will have its privileges -- you'll have your own quarters, better food." More lines. May-Evil will get all his orders from Evil Leaper and only Evil Leaper. May-Evil thanks him and starts to kiss a little evil ass. Evil Leaper stops him, saying, "You've already got the job -- don't talk yourself out of it." Yeah, May-Evil, don't talk. Period. There's a growl from the floor and we pan down to see Camilla crouched on the floor. "Don't mind Porthos," Evil Leaper says. "He hasn't had his dinner yet." Sussman says that they thought about casting a Great Dane as Evil Porthos because he would be a size opposite. In the end, people thought Great Danes didn't get the evil across enough.
She-Ho enters. She's lost the filmy black negligee but she's gained about a pound of charcoal eyeshadow in its place. Evil Leaper dismisses May-Evil. She-Ho states that Evil Leaper never received orders from Starfleet to take the ship into Tholian space because she would have known about it. Why? Because she's some sort of Mata Harshi? I guess we're to believe that Forrest shares EVERYTHING with her. When Evil Leaper decides to pet Evil Porthos rather than respond, She-Ho drops the combative attitude and slinks his way. She didn't think he had a mutiny in him. Evil Leaper takes that as a compliment. She-Ho wonders what happened to Forrest. "He's safe," Evil Leaper grunts. "How do I know you didn't push him out an airlock?" She-Ho wonders. Because he's the captain who cried airlock. Fool. Pushing a button on his PC, Evil Leaper pops up a Brig camera and shows her Forrest's cell. However, Evil Leaper won't let her talk to her lover yet. "He'll remain alive as long as you don't cause any trouble. No hidden distress signals to Starfleet. I need you and your expertise," Evil Leaper snaps. She-Ho pushes herself off his desk and purrs, "Is that all you need?" She looks him up and down. Evil Leaper stiffens (everywhere, I assume) and turns away from her. She-Ho exposits that Evil Leaper never forgave her for leaving him. Well, duh, this is an evil universe -- I'm sure people hold fairly long grudges here. Evil Leaper clenches that she saw a way to the top by being on top and she took it. "Just as you did," She-Ho reminds him. "You should've been captain from the moment we left spacedock. You've always known that. If it hadn't been for all those admirals conspiring behind your back, Enterprise would have been yours." Evil Leaper doesn't say anything. She-Ho pushes her fingertips into his side and says, "Tradition says that whatever belonged to the captain is yours for the taking." Her face is about an inch from his now. Evil Leaper sort of shoves her away, only to say, "I've never been one to argue with tradition," and then yank her back in a nose-flattening kiss that had absolutely no heat and seemed as dry as a nun. Seriously -- I'm now dehydrated. What is with Bakula's complete absence of passion on this show? Does he have a jealous wife or something? While still "kissing," She-Ho pulls a knife from the back of her bra and raises it above her head. Also still "kissing," Evil Leaper blocks her arm and snatches the knife away. They don't break the clinch until T'Pevil comms Evil Leaper. "Maybe we should keep our relationship on a professional level," Evil Leaper says, flinging She-Ho to the couch. I thought she was a professional. T'Pevil announces that they're approaching the warp signature. Before leaving for the Bridge, Evil Leaper grabs She-Ho by the back of the neck and holds her own knife up to her face. "I expect you to be in a better mood when I get back," he says, and stalks off. Still not feeling the evil, buddy.
Bridge. T'Pevil slinks out of the captain's chair and says they're nearing their target. Reedvil reads one Tholian biosign on board. The other ship sees them. "He's arming weapons," Reedvil sneers. Evil Leaper orders the ship disabled and wants the pilot left uninjured. Reedvil takes care of it. The Tholian tries to sabotage his own ship. They beam the Tholian into Decon and the Tholian ship explodes. T'Pevil confirms that they have the pilot.
Sickbay. Evil Leaper interrupts Phlevil's dissection of yet another creature to tell him to modify Decon to keep the Tholian alive. Phlevil is on it, commenting that Tholians have complicated life support needs. He increases the Decon temperature to four hundred eighty Kelvin (that's a little over four hundred degrees Fahrenheit) and the yet-unseen captured Tholian screeches and chitters in response. "If you're angry now, just wait," Phlevil smiles us evilly into commercial.
Has anyone seen Shatner's new Priceline ads? Do you think we're going to see Bakula admiring his feet in a pair of open-toed red pumps in thirty-odd years?
Evil Leaper strides down the corridor to Decon with T'Pevil trailing after him. "How is he?" he demands of Phlevil. "'How is it' would be more accurate -- Tholians possess both male and female characteristics," Phlevil tells him, adding that the Tholian's biosigns appear stable. "Will it understand me?" Evil Leaper asks She-Ho. She nods. Evil Leaper whips back around to the Decon window and peers into the yellow-hot steamy room. He doesn't see anything. He moves closer to the window. The chromy Tholian pops up, horror-movie-like. Made me jump. Evil Leaper too. Nice one. It looks pretty much like the Tholian seen in "The Tholian Web," but less static-y. Evil Leaper interrogates the Tholian about the Terran ship they captured. Theo the Tholian waves his segmented arms around and refuses to answer until Phlevil drops the Decon temperature a hundred degrees. The color of the Decon chamber shivers into grey. Theo squeals. "Its exoskeleton is beginning to fracture!" Phlevil reports gleefully. Theo decides to comply. Evil Leaper makes sure that Theo sees him wave his fingers at Phlevil to increase the temperature again. Theo tells them where to find the stolen ship and then starts emitting a high-pitched whine. T'Pevil says it's a short-range transmission. "A distress signal," Reedvil adds. "Do you think it has a comm device in there?" "Its crystalline structure may act as a natural transmitter," T'Pevil suggests. Reedvil wants to beam Theo into space. Evil Leaper wants Theo kept alive until they can verify his information, and orders Phlevil to stop Theo's whining.
Engineering. T'Pevil and Evil Trinneevil work together. Well, T'Pevil works; Evil Trinneevil glowers through his half a face. We learn that Evil Trinneevil's patty-melted face is a result of all the Delta rays he's been smacked around with. Just like Pike. In fact, the makeup is a bona fide shout-out to Sean Kenney's in "The Menagerie." T'Pevil ignores this exposition, presumably because she's heard it before. In fact, Evil Trinneevil probably starts every conversation bitching about his Delta facial. Evil Trinneevil goes on about all the years of his life he's lost standing in front of the warp core and how he'll probably be dead by the end of the week. "You should talk to Captain Evil Leaper about a promotion," T'Pevil deadpans. Evil Trinneevil suggests she do it, since she's now his first officer. T'Pevil wonders why she would do that. Evil Trinneevil sidles up close behind her and says, "I did you a favor once." T'Pevil stops what she's doing and reminds him that they were never to discuss that. "And I haven't," Evil Trinneevil smarms. "I'd hardly call it a favor," T'Pevil goes on. "You enjoyed yourself." "Yeah, several times as I recall," Evil Trinneevil goes on, looking down at her dinners. "So how many years is it until your pon farr comes around agin?" T'Pevil sneers at him just as some noise distracts them both. Evil Trinneevil looks for the source and a big blue bolt of something travels down a cable and into his face, knocking him on his ass. I guess that's another year of his life. Maybe even five.
Phlevil scans Evil Trinneevil as Evil Leaper orders him to repair the cloak right away. "There's a dozen EPS feeds on this deck and the only one that overloads is the one connected to the cloaking device," Reedvil undertones to Evil Leaper, looking pointedly at Evil Trinneevil. Evil Trinneevil snaps that other systems are down as well, including grav plating on certain decks and internal sensors. Evil Leaper tells him that the cloaking device is his priority. He turns to Reedvil and orders him to find the sabotaging party. "My people kin investigate this," Evil Trinneevil announces, "I don't need his kind crawling around pulling relays." "Get the cloak online!" Evil Leaper orders the unmelted part of Evil Trinneevil's face. Reedvil grins evilly at Evil Trinneevil, who can only manage half a glare in return.
Evil Leaper storms into the Brig and proceeds to have a paranoid freakout on Forrest. He thinks Forrest or Admiral Black's spy is responsible. Forrest isn't talking, so Evil Leaper does what Evil Leapers do in any universe -- he steps into the cell and throws Forrest around a bit. From the depths of a chokehold, Forrest gasps that She-Ho will never forgive Evil Leaper if he kills him. Evil Leaper throws Forrest against the wall and leaves the Brig.
In the evil Situation Room, Reedvil explains why he thinks Evil Trinneevil is technobabblely responsible for the sabotage.
Evil Trinneevil sizzles in the Agony Booth. That can't be good for his face. Evil Trinneevil continues to protest his innocence and threaten Reedvil's life. "I'd like to see you try," Reedvil says, amused. Because Admiral Black replaced Forrest's original engineer with Evil Trinneevil, Evil Leaper thinks Evil Trinneevil's a spy. Evil Trinneevil denies this and gets agonied some more. "Please, Captain, it wasn't me -- I've always been loyal to you!" Evil Trinneevil moans, panting on the Plexiglass. Trinneer does an awesome job in this scene. Evil Leaper starts to walk away but turns to Reedvil and snarls, "Break him!" Evil Trinneevil's screams follow him out the door. Sussman says this scene got very intense on set. I can well imagine -- look how Trinneer's fogging up the Plexiglass.
She-Ho and Evil Leaper are sweatily post-quoital. No, say it out loud. Go ahead. Get it now? Good. She-Ho plays with Evil Leaper's sweaty, fuzzy nipples and sighs that she hasn't had it that good in a long time. Evil Leaper moves around restlessly and asks if she transmitted the info to the Fleet Admiral. She did, and wonders what it was. "Insurance policy," Evil Leaper says, sitting up and pulling on his pants. She-Ho asks what's up. "Tucker's a competent engineer. If he wanted to damage the cloak, he would have done a much better job," Evil Leaper thinks out loud. "Well, it couldn't have been easy with T'Pevil looking over his shoulder," She-Ho supposes. Evil Leaper has a furrowstorm and goes to his computer. "Locate Commander T'Pevil," Evil Leaper instructs. "Unable to comply. Internal sensors are offline," the computer responds. The COMPUTER RESPONDS! Because of course they'd have that technology now! Cool. I wonder who did the voice -- it's a dude. Clearly not Majel Barrett. Or even Majevil Barrett. It finally sinks into Evil Leaper that the sensors were damaged by the overload. Evil Leaper orders She-Ho to stay there as he pulls on a shirt and grabs a gun. I was about to yum over the black shirt, but then I saw that it's more of an olive green stretchy thing with black horizontal stripes and decided that it looks more at home in a club. In SoMa. Called "Stud."
T'Pevil and her Vulcan entourage of two saunter down a corridor and bust Forrest out of the Brig. Barefooted Evil Leaper and his men are blasted at by the Vulcan Entourage. Evil Leaper ducks into a turbolift. T'Pevil tells Forrest that comms and sensors are disabled. "We'll take the Bridge first," Forrest says, taking a gun and leaving the Brig.
Bridge. A few shots (don't know if they are "stun" or "kill") secure the Bridge. Forrest orders a course set out of Tholian space. T'Pevil can't alter their heading or get the ship to stop. Evil Leaper steps out of the turbolift, his hands raised. "Having trouble?" he asks. Forrest states that Evil Leaper did this. Duh, dude. "Auto-navigation can't be released until we've reached the coordinates I've set," Evil Leaper explains. Forrest appears to amp up his gun and orders Evil Leaper to restore the controls. Evil Leaper can't because they've been encrypted with a "random code," which will take T'Pevil days to decrypt. "We'll arrive at the coordinates long before then," Evil Leaper says, drawing his closed fist up to his chest and saluting. "Bridge is yourrrs, Captain!" he sort of arrghs and squints in an odd choice of delivery. I think Bakula was going for sarcasm but he ended up with pirate.
Evil Leaper pants and groans in the Agony Booth. The camera pans away to show Forrest entering the room, and even though Phlevil is no longer shocking him with anything, you can still hear Evil Leaper moaning and groaning. It kind of made me giggle. And also not too dissimilar to how he acted when he was subjected to Perma-Furrow. Phlevil marvels that Evil Leaper has spent ten whole hours in the booth. Because even in the Mirror Universe, Evil Leaper has to be a ROCK STAR! Shut up, Evil Leaper.
I want to take a moment to share the following Email That Made My Week:
"Hi Keckler/Stephanie,
Love your recaps of Enterprise. Reading the bit in the last one where "Quantum and Shrek do a penis dance" reminded me of a bit of trivia I keep forgetting to share with you, and considering the series is almost over... I've just finished a university course on identifying mammal, bird, reptile etc. bones. While looking at mammals, our prof mentioned that several species have a bone in their penis - those in the orders Primates, Pinnipedia (ex. walrus), Rodentia (squirrels), Insectivora (hedgehogs) and Carnivora. Fortunately not all species in each order have this bone - good thing too, or it would include humans. Besides the amusing acronym used to remember these orders (PRIC), she also told us the correct name for this bone - a baculum (pl. bacula). Maybe that explains something."
Yes, it explains a lot. Quantum is a penis bone.
Forrest orders Evil Leaper released and Reedvil brought into experience his own invention. From the floor, Evil Leaper tells Forrest just to shoot him already. Actually, I do recall that when you two were having your bit of tussle in the Brig, Forrest told you that if you let him out, he'd make sure you'd get a quick death. Well, you didn't let him out, so don't expect any favors now. Dipwad. Forrest admits that Fleet Admiral Gardiner received the information Evil Leaper sent him and ordered his release, as the Fleet Admiral found Evil Leaper's suggestion "intriguing." Forrest is pissed that they're being ordered to investigate Evil Leaper's theory and throws Evil Leaper around a bit, spitting that he's not ever going to forget Evil Leaper's betrayal.
In whatever the room is where you can brief with cool computers but also sit at a long table, T'Pevil and the Vulcan Science Directorate snort at the idea of a parallel universe. Evil Leaper explains, "The Tholians are a little more open-minded than your people. They detonated a tri-cobalt warhead, here [he points at a screen], inside the gravity well of a dead star. The explosion created an interphasic rift -- a doorway -- into another universe." Since I've been watching the NOVA special on String Theory, this actually makes sense to me. "A doorway?" Evil Trinneevil repeats. Half his face is skeptical. The other half is melted. "The rift was unstable. It was too dangerous to send one of their own ships through, so [the Tholians] transmitted a distress call into the opening, hoping to lure a ship from the other side. Their plan worked brilliantly," Evil Leaper goes on. I quoted all that explanation because for those familiar with "The Tholian Web," this theory meshes exactly with what could have happened to Defiant when it phased out. In fact, Dr. Mathra is of the opinion that this episode was so tight, so well written, that it's almost as if "The Tholian Web" was written specifically so this episode could come along and be all good and shit. She-Ho wonders how he learned all this. "The Tholians relied on outside laborers, humanoids -- some of them can be bought for the right price," Evil Leaper states, waving his head around in that way he's gotten so fond of lately. The extreme stiffness of his delivery convinces me that This Will Be Important Later. Like, way to telegraph it, Bakula. Evil Leaper displays some images he got from his OUTSIDE LABORERS, HUMANOIDS contact. It's a big rock with something stuck inside of it. "You kin hardly see ennythang!" Evil Trinneevil bitches. Well, you can't -- you've only got one eye. Evil Leaper enhances the image by three alpha. They realize it's an Earth ship. "According to some theories, everything that exists in our universe should also exist there," Evil Leaper explains, nodding vigorously. "Another Terran Empire. Another Starfleet," She-Ho says all seductively. Evil Trinneevil twitches, "So WHAT? How does this help us?" He's Bones-crabby -- it's awesome! Evil Leaper -- and I'm sorry, but his delivery is just SO atrocious here -- says that they quantum-dated the hull and determined it to be from one hundred years in the future. Evil Leaper slobbers over the advanced technology and weaponry they could grab off of the ship. T'Pevil thinks it's all ludicrous and a trap. She also wants to go on about Evil Leaper's recent mutiny. Forrest tells her to shut up because they're investigating it. He wants the cloaking device back online. Evil Leaper sneers at T'Pevil. She just stares steadily back at him. Ah, it's like Season One all over again!
Engineering. T'Pevil marches in to get a progress report from Evil Trinneevil. Evil Trinneevil growls that he needs to do a few more things. "I spent four hours in the booth because of you!" Evil Trinneevil bellows . T'Pevil tells him to take it up with Evil Leaper's furrows, not her. Evil Trinneevil accuses her of the sabotage and frame-up. "You're mistaken," T'Pevil tells him calmly. The hell Evil Trinneevil is, he thinks he'd remember if he committed sabotage. "Not necessarily," T'Pevil sneers. Half Evil Trinneevil's face gets wary. The other half stays melted. "What did you do to me?" Evil Trinneevil demands. "I lured you away from Engineering with the promise of sexual encounter," T'Pevil explains. We get a flashback shot of the two of them making out before T'Pevil slaps a mind-meld on him. She implanted a telepathic suggestion in his mind, which compelled him to sabotage the grid. "After you completed the assignment, we melded again. I altered your memory of what had happened," T'Pevil says, backing into a corner but not looking the least bit afraid of Evil Trinneevil. Or his melted face. Basically, T'Pevil's saying that she can have sex with Evil Trinneevil whenever she wants and then just erase his memory of it. Evil Trinneevil advances on her: "You're gonna regret what you did!" "Threats are illogical," T'Pevil says, which is, as Couch Baron reminded me, exactly what Sarek the Hot said in "Journey to Babel." Cool. Evil Trinneevil slams his hand on the bulkhead. But it's all for show, he was just abusing the comm button. He tells the Bridge they're good to go.
They engage the cloak with awesome effects. Enterprise starts to shimmer and then becomes colorless and transparent (much like Wonder Woman's airplane) before disappearing completely.
Bridge. They reach the coordinates and magnify one of the moons orbiting the ringed planet. We get a close-up shot of a TOS-era ship in a hangar with tiny ships moving around it. Evil Leaper furrows smugly at Forrest. We get a closer look and see that it is the U.S.S. Defiant. When I saw all the previews, I didn't look very closely at the ship and just assumed they were bringing back Enterprise from TOS. And Dr. Mathra and I bitched about how that could possibly happen even in a Mirror Universe. But then we watched the episode and realized that the number was NCC-1764 and all hell broke loose in our little apartment. Again. After ascertaining that it was definitely Defiant, Dr. Mathra leaped around the living room screaming about all the perfect connections to "The Tholian Web." In fact, I couldn't get him to calm down or even sit still until I promised to rewatch "The Tholian Web" immediately after this episode ended. Given how many times UPN's promos have ruined what could have been amazing surprises, I'm so glad I didn't analyze the ones this past week.
Situation Room. T'Pevil reports that the ship has thirteen alien biosigns with one of them being reptilian. Well, that one's gotta be Gorn. I mean, after last week's mention, which was probably just serving as a reminder, there's no way it isn't. T'Pevil can find no sign of the human crew. "It's likely the crew was executed," Reedvil salivates. Feeling better after our torture, are we? "Look at the size of those coils!" Evil Trinneevil marvels, also salivating, "I'll bet that ship can do warp seven!" Forrest orders Evil Leaper to head up an assault team. He wants them to download info from the ship and then destroy it. Evil Leaper doesn't want to destroy it. He wants to keep it. They argue a bit, but Forrest wins and dismisses them. Forrest turns to T'Pevil and tells her to tag along to make sure Evil Leaper doesn't make it back alive.
Defiant. In the copper EV suits, the assault team examines stuff and realizes that the Tholians have already begun to gut the ship. A redshirt lies facedown on the floor. Evil Leaper turns him over to reveal a phaser blast in his chest. You can also see the embroidered TOS patch, but it's sort of weird-looking. It's like it's turned on its side. Evil Leaper picks up the TOS phaser to the body and examines it. Reedvil pants, "If you like, sir, I could hold that for you." Heh. Somehow I like Reedvil's gun obsession when he's being excessively drooly about it. Evil Leaper just stares back at him before sliding the gun into his own belt.
Enterprise. Decon. Theo chitters. Phlevil glares into the chamber and says, "Naptime isn't over yet." He stabs at some controls and floods the chamber with something.
She-Ho picks up a transmission emitting from Decon. Over the high-pitched squeal of Theo's comm device, Phlevil reports that the sedative is no longer working. "Well then, kill him NOW!" Forrest orders. "With pleasure," Phlevil smiles. He lowers the temperature of the chamber. Theo skitters pathetically over on his arachnid-like legs and waves his segmented arms around. You know, I liked the effect when Theo first popped into view, but it's not so good the longer you look at it. Oh, well. Phlevil stares at Theo, enjoying his suffering. On the Bridge, She-Ho reports three ships moving their way. "Doctor!" Forrest bellows over the comm. "A few more seconds, Captain," Phlevil says, mashing his mouth around the words "Will you kindly DIE!" Theo melts down and finally explodes into shards. She-Ho announces that one of the Tholian ships is hailing them.
Defiant. Through the dim and scattered glow of the EV suits' headlamps, we can slowly see parts of the TOS bridge and it's a beautiful and campy sight. Evil Leaper find who he thinks is the captain. T'Pevil takes a scan and reports, "His neck is broken." Just as it was in "The Tholian Web"! Also JAIWITTW: the murdering redshirt lying on top of the captain. Same position and everything. Awesome. Evil Trinneevil thinks they can overload the reactor from there. Evil Leaper tells him to get started.
Enterprise. Hoshi says four more Tholian ships are approaching, and she can't contact Evil Leaper to tell them to abort the mission because the signals are jammed. A gorgeous prism-y Tholian ship fires. The web begins. It's woven incredibly fast, too. Remember in "The Tholian Web" when those two ships just crawled to spin the web? Well, that was only two ships, I think they've got about ten here. The web fills out, trapping Enterprise. It's a really cool effect. Enterprise can't fire out of the web, but the Tholians can and do fire into the web. She-Ho realizes the Tholians can see them. Forrest orders the cloak dropped and all power funneled to the engines but it's a no-go. They're stuck.
Defiant. Evil Trinneevil finally gets the power on and the Bridge comes to life, revealing all. Sussman says they wanted to make this a much longer take, spanning around the whole Bridge, but there was a continuity error with one of the turbolift doors so they had to cut it. I think it's too dark to see what the turbolift doors are doing, but I appreciate their attention to detail. From the outside, we see Defiant's engines come to life. God, I'm sorry, but that is just the loveliest thing I've seen in this series. Oh, and the loveliest thing I've heard on this series? The familiar ping-ping. T'Pevil looks into Spock's viewer and announces that Enterprise is under attack.
Enterprise is in big trouble. They have a reactor breach. Forrest orders all to abandon ship and get their evil asses to the escape pods. He hangs back to buy them more time and orders She-Ho away. Man, I hope she remembers to bring Evil Porthos along.
Defiant. T'Pevil reports the damage to Enterprise. Evil Leaper wants Defiant's weapons and engines brought online. The Bridge detail is incredible. I'm just so happy right now. But no, I'm sad! This show is over! Why did they have to make it suck for so long and then give us this?! I'm really mad!
The Enterprise burns and shoots escape pods out. I guess the pod is cast. Heh. They look like flying doorstops. Niiice. Some escape pods bust up on the web and others are taken out by the Tholian ships. Forrest still stays on the Bridge. If he's waiting for the band to play "Ne'er My Evil God to Thee," it just ain't going to happen.
Defiant. Helmet off, Evil Leaper looks up at the viewscreen just in time to see Enterprise explode in the Tholian web. It's probably the best effect that viewscreen has ever seen. Seriously, they're going to examine Defiant's technology and be all, "What is this shit -- food cubes? Data on blocks of wood? Chicken wire in the rooms? Why, oh why did we abandon Enterprise?! Oh, wait, the sparkly pillows are actually kind of cool." Everyone looks a bit shocked. Well, not Reedvil, who looks creepily jazzed by the big explosion. Evil Leaper stiffs in a deep breath and furrows us into the "To Be Continued." The podcast says that the end credits, which UPN ALWAYS interrupts with split-screen promos, were also evil. We TiVo'd the rerun and got to hear this week's opening theme over the end credits. It's still awesome even without the images of death and destruction.
week: TOS-wear and, as I told Sars, Bakula's too ripped to need the girdle but it'd be awesome if he wore it ironically.
"Awesome" count: 8.