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In one of Viacom's AIDS PSAs, it is revealed that T'Pol contracted a mind-meld virus from her encounter with B'Stiller that would make her a pariah at Vulcan c'cktail parties. Phlox crusades to get T'Pol help from the very people who would St. Agatha-ize her dinners and feed her to the lions before they'd hand over any minor cure research they've managed to half-heartedly accumulate, but the Vulcans mum on the subject, so, like Casey, Quantum steps up to bat. He hems, haws, stalks around, and generally needs to invest in a Waterpik to get those stubborn pieces of scenery out of his incisors, but he still has T'Pol's day in court. In another storyline -- can you believe Bermaga actually managed to walk and chew gum at the same time with this show? -- one of Phlox's wives counts the change in Trip's pocket with her toes. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Before the opening teaser, the screen goes to black, and the words -- not in the usual Enterprise font -- read: "In memory of the crew of the Columbia...you will always be an inspiration." That was very nice. Although I do think a lasting tribute -- and a way to make That Song palatable -- would be to intersperse images of the three fallen crews with the rest of the opening graphics. It would actually give this show meaning.
Sick Bay. Phlox gives T'Pol a prognosis on the level of her neurolitic enzymes, to which T'Pol -- coming out from behind a curtain -- responds, "The treatment's no longer effective?" Phlox reminds her that they knew the current treatment wouldn't be a lasting fix, and that "this conference" would be the ideal time to talk with knowledgeable Vulcan doctors about her condition. You know, a passing undertaker would have been deceived by T'Pol's looks and begun embalming her on site -- she looks that peaked. And I'm not just talking about the ears, either. T'Pol's rasps that it's too risky and that she would be removed from the ship. Phlox figures he can get info from them without giving her away. T'Pol again refers to the risk factor, but Phlox tells her they have no other choice. "Without further treatment you could very possibly die," Phlox ominousizes.
I actually welled up during the song, but I attribute it more to the images and their added meaning than to the words and the melody.
As Quantum plays with Lincoln Logs, we learn that Enterprise is orbiting the planet Dekendi III, where the Interspecies Medical Exchange is hosting a conference. Damn, I can't make it this year! Meanwhile, a bronze scarab beetle of a sh'pod docks to Enterprise. Quoth the Quantum, "We'll be picking up a neutron microscope [I'll bet my mother would like one of those, to add to her collection of eighty electron microscopes], but more importantly, we'll get a chance to meet one of Phlox's wives." I wonder if one of the Phlox's forefathers was Brignobulan Young. Walking along the corridors with Trip, Quantum asks Phlox how long it's been since he's seen his wife. Phlox says he hasn't seen "Feezal" in over four years. I'm willing to bet it's because she's spending too much time with Frank and Moon Unit. Trip wonders what the point is of having three wives if he doesn't get to see them (translation: "if he doesn't get to bed them"), but Phlox tells him Denobulans are chock-full of patience. The airlock slides back, and Phlox greets his wife: "Welcome, my beloved!" "My beloved!" Pheezil Phlox replies in turn. They lean forward to...sniff each other? "It's like Hunca Munca and Poppadum," Mathra comments. Except they're sniffing the wrong ends. Ew. Phlox and Pheezil murmur contentedly at one another, and Phlox introduces his "second wife" to Quantum and Trip. "I look forward to helping you install the microscope," Pheezil tells Trip. Trip nods and smiles. Quantum makes to give Mr. and Mrs. Phlox some alone time, but Phlox shrugs that off, saying that they've been separated for so long, another hour or day won't matter. Because the Denobulans are patient. "Great, so they'll all have to work with those two when they're horny!" Mathra observes. Quantum suggests they all have lunch while the microscope is being unloaded. As Phlox and Quantum start to walk off, Pheezil asks Trip if he won't be joining them. Trip tells her he'd rather go to baggage claim to make sure Samsonite gorillas aren't handling the microscope improperly. "Then I'll see you after lunch?" Pheezil suggests. "You bet," Trip tells her. Pheezil smiles that extra-wide, Grinch-like Denobulan smile and walks off with her husband and Quantum. Trip gapes like a turbot with lung trouble before walking away.
Judging by the CGI, the Interspecies Medical Exchange Conference is clearly being held in Sim City. Seriously -- I haven't seen graphics that bad since that library silkscreen in Shockwave II. It feels like there should be an accompanying voice-over: "And this is what the city will look like in the year 2582." In a suite of offices, three Vulcans walk and talk with Phlox about why he's poking his beezer into a Vulcan disease. Phlox lies that a Denobulan colleague has been studying Pa'nar Syndrome for some time because of its similarities to "thymic sclerosis" -- a non-fatal disease they haven't had much luck in treating. "I promised him, my colleague back home, that I'd inquire about any recent advances in its treatment," Phlox explains. A Vulcan doctor -- Michael Ensign, to be precise, who has been on Voyager, DS9, and TNG, as well as playing Ross's boss on Friends -- tells Phlox they're hesitant to discuss the syndrome. "This illness is unique to a subculture -- a small percentage of our population. Their behavior is neither tolerated nor sanctioned," Dr. Ensign tells him. Phlox understands, but presses his "friend's" case. After a few more questions from the Vulcan trio that Phlox successfully bluffs through, Dr. Ensign tells him they will have to discuss it amongst themselves and let him know. Phlox raises his eyebrows at this, but thanks them for their time. Dr. Ensign watches him narrowly as he leaves.
Sick Bay. Pheezil and Trip install the microscope. Trip professes to having problems with installation because the instructions are all in Denobulan. Pheezil understands, and assures him she's there to guide him through it. She points out something on the microscope and tells him to "screw" something else on to it. From here on out, her "guidance" gets downright ribald. She invades Trip's personal space in order to hand him an instrument, and then remains in his personal space until he says, "Yer, uh, gonna have to help me with this wun." "It's very simple," Pheezil smiles, "insert the thick end into this opening and it will automatically program the frequency." Trip inserts. "You can pull it out now. The stream should be initiated," Pheezil tells him after a bit. Trip pulls it out and tells her he thinks he's catching on, and maybe she can just explain the few steps and he can do it on his own. I'll bet he does -- uh, can. Pheezil smiles that he's "a very confident young man." Trip tells her he tries to be, and she invades his personal space again in order to get her e-pad. After a few modulations, Pheezil tells Trip, "You're going to have to need to come a little closer to see this." Trip looks ruefully amused and leans in very slightly.
Captain's Table. Quantum tries to make small talk with T'Pol about Phlox's visit to the surface. T'Pol professes not to know that he left the ship. A lie? An evasion. Quantum then suggests that she might want to mingle with her fellow Vulkind, but T'Pol stonewalls him. Hoshi beeps in to say that a Vulcan transport is requesting to dock with them. "Speak of the devil -- looks like you won't have to go anywhere," Quantum tells her, and gets up from the table. Quantum tells Hoshi he'll meet them in Docking Port 2. "They've asked that the doctor join you and Subcommander T'Pol." Hoshi tells him. Quantum asks her to call the doctor, and T'Pol leaves the room. Oblivious to her "mood," Quantum follows her. By the way, they were eating breakfast, and The Salt and Pepper Shakers were in attendance. Last time they made an appearance on the show and I verbally coveted them, I got an email from a reader who told me he thought he knew the S&P's origin. He suspected they were actually used for tea. Gentle reader, if you've gathered any more research, please let me know! In the hall, Quantum asks T'Pol if she has any idea what the Vulcan's visit is about, but all T'Pol says is, "I haven't spoken to anyone on the surface." Interesting -- even though the whole "Vulcans are incapable of lying" thing was thrown out the window, dragged through the streets, and tarred and feathered decades ago, it seems as though she's trying hard not to lie outright to Quantum. I guess like Evan Marriott, she's never lied to get someone into bed. "You can bet they're not coming up for coffee and doughnuts," Quantum comments. Ever notice how Starbucks doesn't sell doughnuts? I find that odd. ["They do here. Krispy Kreme, even!" -- Sars]
In a conference room -- no wait, it just looks as though they've again taken the Mess and put it to another use. But instead of a fake-interrogation room, this time they've turned it into a conference room, complete with a semi-opaque Ikea conference table. Quantum offers the Vulcans some sustenance, saying, "Thanks to Subcommander T'Pol, our chef has learned to make some pretty decent plomeek soup." How would he know? Has he ever tried it? Dr. Ensign thanks him, but says they've come to speak to his doctor. "With your permission," he adds. Quantum invites him to have at it, and exhorts the Vulcans to let him know if they need anything. He and T'Pol start to leave, but Dr. Ensign requests that T'Pol remain. T'Pol and Phlox sit as Quantum leaves.
Dr. Ensign tells Phlox that they have discussed his request but are still hesitant to share their data on Pa'nar Syndrome. Smoothly Phlox informs them, "Subcommander T'Pol is not aware of my request, I'm curious why you asked her to stay." One of the Vulcan doctors questions the fact that Phlox is requesting info about a Vulcan syndrome without discussing it with his Vulcan Science Officer. Phlox points out that T'Pol is not a doctor. Dr. Ensign confirms that T'Pol knows what Pa'nar Syndrome is, and asks her to describe it. "You're physicians, why would you need me to define an illness?" T'Pol hedges. Dr. Ensign asks that she indulge them. "It is an incurable degradation of the synaptic pathways. It also affects the endocrine and immune systems," T'Pol says. Immune systems, hmm? You know, if I hadn't been aware of this PSA for months, I'd be playing Dodge Anvil. As it is, they're just piling themselves neatly in the corner I cordoned off for them. One of the doctors is impressed by her definition, and asks how the disease is transmitted. "Through a telepathic practice," T'Pol answers. Dr. Ensign wants to know what that practice is. "Mind-melds -- they cause a disruption of neuroelectric impulses in the mid-brain, which can lead to the early stages of the syndrome," T'Pol responds. One of the Vulcan doctors asks if she condones the act of mind-melding, and T'Pol stands up, saying, "I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me why you asked me here." Phlox seconds the motion, thinking their questions to T'Pol are inappropriate. Dr. Ensign tells T'Pol that Phlox wants info on the syndrome, and wants to know if she had anything to do with his request. Phlox points out that he was fairly explicit about why he wanted the information. The Vulcans obviously don't believe his story, and tell him that since he didn't tell them there was a Vulcan on his ship, they had to consider "other possible motives." Phlox asks what they are suggesting.
One of the Vulcan doctors gets up and hands T'Pol a witch hunt in the form of an e-pad, asking if she knows any of the blacklisted names on it. T'Pol looks, and answers that they are Vulcan but she is not familiar with any of them. The Vulcan doctor tells her that they are "melders." "Vulcans with the ability to transfer thoughts and memories to each other. Do you know any melders, Subcommander?" the Vulcan doctor asks. Phlox looks concerned. "Not well, but I've met a number of them," T'Pol responds. "Then I'll ask you again -- do you condone their behavior?" the Vulcan doctor asks. T'Pol repeats that she doesn't see what that has to do with Phlox's request. Dr. Ensign points out the obvious by telling her they find the melders behavior "unacceptable," and because Pa'nar Syndrome is transmitted by "[those] people," its cure "is not a priority." Following so close on Bush's State of the Union, one of the anvils tries to sneak out of the corner, but I kick it back. And now I need toe surgery. Phlox asks if that means there isn't any additional research. "None that we'd care to disseminate," Dr. Ensign tells him. T'Pol, fairly near the boil and crammed to the gizzard with low suspicions, states that they came all the way from the surface to tell Phlox they wouldn't help him. Dr. Ensign asks to be shown to the airlock. T'Pol clenches up and complies, tossing a look at Phlox as she leaves. Did anyone see Jolene on Carson Daly's Super Bowl pre-game show? Apparently, she was trying to convince people that they should be watching her on Enterprise because the show is so titillating and spicy -- my vocab words, not hers. They basically sent her out as the show's sexperson. I don't have a calculator on me -- can anyone tell me how many degrees of patheticism that is?
Back on the surface, the Vulcan doctors run some tests and determine that T'Pol is suffering from Pa'nar Syndrome. That should teach her not to take e-pads from strange Vulcans.
Sick Bay. Trip and Pheezil Phlox phiddle around some more. Not that kind of phiddling -- although Pheezil wishes it were. At one point Trip comments, "This is a bitch," while trying to align the quantum filters on the new microscope, and has to explain to Pheezil that he didn't mean her. "I wish our TV had a Quantum Filter," Mathra snarks. Over at one of his stations, Phlox asks about various husbands and wives back home. This has the effect of snowballing him and Pheezil into trading all sorts of dirt on their extended conjugal families. Trip runs into problems with his brain getting in the way of being productive on the new microscope, but Pheezil slides a hand over his shoulder and assures him that he'll catch on soon enough. Phlox chuckles to himself over Pheezil's last nugget of gossip, and walks over to them. As Pheezil still has her paws on him, Trip looks edgily at Phlox, who appears oblivious to his discomfort as he continues to natter away about wives and husbands as though he were a D.H. Lawrence novel. Quantum calls Phlox and asks him to dance attendance on him. Phlox leaves, telling his "beloved" that he'll be back. Trip chuckles nervously at Pheezil. I like the fact that Pheezil singsongs the same way Phlox does. It's a nice touch.
Quantum's Quarters. Phlox enters and finds T'Pol already there. Quantum informs them, "It's been awhile since I was embarrassed by a Vulcan dignitary." Aw, don't worry -- I'm sure you won't have to wait half so long time. Quantum grinds out what we already know: Phlox asked for info from the Vulcans on Pa'nar Syndrome on behalf of a Denobulan colleague. Phlox agrees with this. "And...both...of...youSAID...T'Polhadnothingtodo...with...that...request," Quantum Kirks. Phlox looks sidelong at T'Pol. "Are...both...ofyougoing...to lie to me...likeyouliedtothem?" Quantum wonders, walking over for a brief gaze out his Weight Of The World Window. Phlox assures Quantum that he was never planning on lying to him. "And...when...were...you...going...to...tellmeyou've...contracted...a...serious...illness?" Quantum asks T'Pol. On her deathbed. "Sir?" T'Pol plays dumb. Quantum explains that the Vulcans handed her an e-pad, and from that they scanned her DNA and pegged her as someone they have future plans to spurn her from their society for the rest of her natural-born life. SPURN, I say! Quantum tries to act as though he has reasons to be angry with T'Pol for lying to some doctors he thinks -- in his misguided, fatheaded way -- can help her. T'Pol remains silent in her suffering, so Quantum demands that Phlox to tell him how long he's been the Subcommander's confidante. Phlox admits, "Nearly a year." Quantum really wants to set himself up for righteous indignation, so he goes off on a tangent about having captainly privilege where his crew is concerned or some such rot -- I'll admit that I'm not entirely certain, as I was distracted by quaffing a nice Valpolicella from the Veneto.
Phlox points out, "I believe your culture embraces the concept of doctor-patient confidentiality." In a dead voice, T'Pol tells Quantum that her disease is not contagious and that his knowing would have achieved exactly nothing. Quantum demands to know why she didn't tell the Vulcans the truth, and why Phlox thought he needed to invent a Denobulan colleague as means of getting the proper information. Phlox explains all about how the disease carries the episode title on Vulcan, to which T'Pol adds that if the High Command knew of her health issues, she would lose her commission. Quantum sweats out this concept: "For having a disease?" T'Pol revisits much of what we already know about the people who are capable of transmitting the disease. The new twist she puts on it is that only certain Vulcans carry the midichlorians that allow them to perform "a very intimate form of telepathy." "'Intimate'?" Quantum repeats, looking around for his Merriam-Webster. "The melding of minds," T'Pol explains. This admission provokes Quantum to recall that the Ship o' Hippie Vulcans were "experimenting with emotions." The Anvil Of How Many Ways Can We Align This Disease With AIDS tries to get my attention by stepping on The Anvil of Drug Users Even "Experimentalists" Can Get AIDS Too's face and making a loud noise. T'Pol agrees that the Hippie Vulcans were part of the telepathic minority, and one of the reasons for them running away from home was to avoid having fruit and various breads thrown at them as they walked down the streets. "Their behavior is considered unnatural -- they're seen as a threat," T'Philadephia states. Quantum comments that she belongs in that minority, but T'Pol disagrees. Phlox explains that only members of the genetic minority can initiate the mind-meld, but any Vulcan can receive it. Quantum takes a long step toward T'Pol in order to furrow The Furrow Of Representing The Member Of The Viewing Audience Whose Current Billing Address Is Under A Rock, and asks why she would take such a risk. "It wasn't by choice," T'Pol chokes out. "One of the men on that ship..." She is unable to complete the sentence. It must be because her throat is parched for lack of wine -- I know mine is. "You were attacked!" Quantum announces, FINALLY remembering how he got thrown up against a wall by B'Stiller in that very office.
Okay, I'm going to say something here, but don't get all huffy until I finish, all right? First of all, when B'Stiller talked about doing a mind-meld with T'Pol, her reaction was "Mind-meld?" as though she didn't have the foggiest what he was talking about. That still really irks me. Really. A lot. B'Stiller explains it, and she agrees to it by saying, "Proceed," and they do. Now, partway through the whole thing, she changes her mind and tries to make B'Stiller stop. But he doesn't. The meld isn't broken until she pushes him away. Okay, she said "stop," and he should have stopped. Since they will persist in aligning mind-melds with intercourse, "no" means "no" at any stage of the mind-melding, full-stop. However, he didn't exactly "attack" her in the sense that Quantum is suggesting. Yes, he may have misled her, manipulated her, and coerced her, and those can all be seen as forms of attack. Sneak attacks, really. BUT we know that when Quantum says "attack," he's using the physical sense of the word. That didn't happen. I'm not saying what B'Stiller did was right -- go read my recap if you want my honest and somewhat profane opinion of that whole episode -- but Quantum's not exactly getting the whole picture here, and god knows, he needs things spelled out very carefully for him. Just listen to the way he talks if you want proof.
Anyway, back to 1987 when this sort of episode really would have been cutting-edge and not soddenly late in the game. Quantum wants to know why T'Pol won't explain her unique situation to the Vulcans. "I have my reasons," T'Pol tells him. Considering that he's chewed his way all around T'Pol and he's still hungry, Quantum walks over to Phlox to snack on some more scenery. He wants to know how serious T'Pol's condition is, and Phlox tells him he's managed to keep it in check up until now. "But the symptoms have progressed. That's why I requested the most current research," Phlox explains. "Well, your request was accompanied by a lie," Quantum says, stalking away, "and whatever your reasons might have been, you're no longer welcome at the Conference -- the Vulcans have seen to that." Phlox isn't surprised. Quantum proves he can chew and furrow at the same time as he goes on and on about T'Pol's health being his first priority, and if the Vulcan docs have information that can help her...the camera closes in on Quantum for a Dramatic Tight Shot. "I plan to get it!" Quantum announces.
A sh'pod leaves the ship.
Quantum rocks back and forth in the waiting room of the Vulcan doctor offices in Sim City. I wonder if they have a old copies of Highlights lying around like every other doctor's office. I loved how Goofus and Gallant might as well have been named "Cain" and "Abel." Two of the Vulcan doctors walk out, and I suddenly recognize one as Captain Pushover! Last time I saw him, he was playing a crazy man on the street in an episode of Buffy: The Glorrid Year. Dr. P'sh Over asks Quantum if they kept him waiting. "Actually...you did," Quantum says. Okay, I've been trying since Wednesday night to figure out why exactly Bakula delivered that line the way he did. Is he trying to show Quantum being all in your face with the Vulcans? If he is, it's not like that's any different from how Quantum usually acts with the Vulcans, so why make a point about it here? And if he's trying to get the Vulcans to react, they won't, because they did purposely make him wait. Just him saying, "Actually...you did" isn't going to make either of them go, "Oh, god, really? We didn't mean it. Well, we did initially, but now that you're being so all-fired honest about how you feel, we feel real bad."
Anyway. Quantum explains that he's there to get the information they refused to give Phlox, and he doesn't understand why they would purposely withhold information that could help T'Pol just because Phlox lied. Dr. P'sh Over tells him their reason for withholding has nothing to do with how many deductions they claim. Sorry, wrong set of notes. Basically, this is where Quantum gets to feel all superior to the Vulcans (again) as he learns that their reason for not continuing research on a cure for Pa'nar Syndrome is because they term the sufferers "undesirables" who engage in the "intimate acts" of mind-melding -- a practice they deem "offensive"-- since they prize greatly their ability to contain their emotions and consider sharing them reprehensible.
You know, a lot of people were excited for this episode because they felt it was The One where Quantum finally gets to lord the Vulcans' own hypocrisy over them and revel in their being the inferior race he always thought them to be. But see, please tell me when it was that Quantum has not acted completely superior and holier-than-thou toward the Vulcans? I'll tell you: never. Since the first episode of the first season when Quantum was a snot to T'Pol -- and worse, allowed Trip free rein to be completely disrespectful and nasty toward her -- this new captain of the Enterprise has always thought he was far and away above the pointy-eared race; he didn't need the events of this episode to help him with something he was already so adept at doing. Whatever. Sars? Hi, yeah, it's Keckler. Listen, I can't recap ever again for the rest of my life. Yeah. Well, it turns out I'm suffering from one of the more dramatic forms of brain fever. I see I will have to revisit this rant when the crew meets up with the Andorians. Quantum asks why Dr. P'sh Over can't promise to keep his mouth shut about T'Pol's condition and not run tattling to the High Command about it. Dr. P'sh Over tells Quantum it's not up to them to decide what the High Command gets to know. "You have her genetic profile -- you must realize she's not a member of this minority!" Quantum spits. "Nonetheless, there's only one way to contract Pa'nar Syndrome. Good day," Dr. P'sh Over says pleasantly, and walks out. The other Vulcan doctor stays for a moment and then leaves also. My nostrils positively quiver with excitement about what that could possibly mean! Oh, wait, my nostrils are actually quivering because I haven't taken my Claritin-D today.
In her quarters, a magenta-robed T'Pol meditates in front of a ginger-peach candle. Both the costume and the candle speak to the fact that she's been taking those Kirstie Alley Pier 1 commercials far too seriously. Hoshi beeps in to tell her that she's getting a message from the surface. T'Pol requests she transfer it immediately to her quarters.
Quantum's Quarters. T'Pol walks in. "I was just about to call you," Quantum tells her. At his request, T'Pol sits down and listens to Quantum run off at the mouth in a way that really makes me want to force gallons of Metamucil down his gullet about how unsuccessful he was with the Vulcan MDs and how he thinks they aren't going to keep the news of her health to themselves. T'Pol barely manages to whisper that she just got a message from Dr. Yuris asking to meet with her on the surface. She believes he wants to help. "Help? That's the last thing these doctors want to do," Quantum snorts. "He asked me to come alone," T'Pol tells him.
T'Pol walks through the same misty streets they used in "Civilization" until a voice hisses at her from the shadows. A cloaked Dr. Yuris -- you know, I once had a crush on a guy named Yuri, and he had a best friend called Nate, and once I got over my crush and realized he was a jerk, I used to put their names together with hysterical results. Well, hysterical to me and Puzer -- passes over a Day-Glo pink receptacle, telling her it might be useful. T'Pol asks what it is, and Dr. Yurinate tells her, "The research your doctor asked for." T'Pol opens the container and reveals a bunch of little vials. Since it is the "research" Phlox asked for, it is really not clear by looks alone whether those vials contain computerized information or if it is actually medicine for Phlox to analyze. Such is the Trekverse when stuff like that all looks the same. T'Pol tells Dr. Yurinate that he took a great risk in bringing her the stuff. "One that I'm more than willing to take," Dr. Yurinate says emotionally. "Why?" T'Pol breathes. "There's more intolerance today than there was a thousand years ago -- it has to stop," Dr. Yurinate tells her. T'Pol asks him why he's jeopardizing his career to help someone he despises. I think he already answered that question with the comment that the intolerance has to stop. "If I despised you, I would be despising myself," Dr. Yurinate drama-queens. "I'm part of the minority." T'Pol's lips swell with the complexity of the situation, and we go to commercial so we can sit and ponder all the important messages this episode contains, and how important it is for us to sit and ponder them. Don't get me wrong -- I'm behind the sermon this episode is preaching, but it's about a decade late with its Modern Scourge Of Anvils.
What IS that drat "Childhood" song in the friggin' Saturn commercial? It's annoying to hear it constantly and not be able to figure out the words or the whingey singer.
Back to the sociological timewarp. T'Pol reminds Dr. Yurinate that she's not a member of the minority, but Dr. Yurinate tells her that in the eyes of his colleagues, she might as well be. "Anyone who chooses to perform a mind-meld is worthy of contempt," Dr. Yurinate tells her. "What if I didn't choose?" T'Pol says, looking away much in the despairing manner of the Lady of Shalott when the curse had come upon her. "You were coerced," Dr. Yurinate states in sympathetic disbelief. He urges her to tell the High Command, as they will be much more understanding of her situation. T'Pol asks if he is infected. "No, only a small percentage are," Dr. Yurinate tells her, and then lets her know that, if asked by his colleagues, he will not be able to condone what T'Pol did. I thought they just established that she didn't do it -- that it was done to her. T'Pol understands that he cannot jeopardize his position. Dr. Yurinate has to get back, and pleads with T'Pol to come clean with his colleagues before they tell the High Command. T'Pol thanks him for his help.
Mess. Hoshi and Trip break bread together; Hoshi can't understand why Trip wants to watch a movie when there's a whole new world to be explored down below. "Are yew kiddin'? They're showin' The Black Cat with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi!" Trip tells her. Aw, Trip's winning me over -- that's one of my favorite horrors. Did I ever tell you about the time my grandmother was in Dracula with Bela Lugosi? I did? Oh well, can't brag about that enough. "It sounds like you're the one picking the movies," Hoshi comments. "Me?" Trip innocents. "Who else would choose an obscure horror film? Why not something a little more, I don't know, romantic?" Hoshi asks, just as Trip notices Pheezil Phlox getting some phood. "Obscure"? That's just sad. Hoshi gets up to leave and Trip panics, stammering out, "What's the rush? You haven't even finished your dinner!" Hoshi tells him there's a shuttle leaving for the surface soon. Trip convinces her she should try the cobbler: "Chef outdid himself." Hoshi relents and sits back down for a few more minutes as Pheezil makes a beeline for their table.
Pheezil asks if she can join them. Hoshi invites her to sit down, and tells her she's been meaning to introduce herself. "You're the language wizard -- my husband speaks very fondly of you," Pheezil tells her. Then they commence to speak in Denobulan about transitive verbs and Hoshi's linguistic adeptness. Trip finally tells them he's getting "a little paranoid," and wonders if they're talking about him. Did you hear your name, buddy? I didn't think so. Just shovel a spoonful of "Shut up, Trip" into your mouth. Chef outdid himself on it. "Matter of fact, we were," Hoshi teases. Under the table, Pheezil slides a tangerine-tighted leg up Trip's leg. Trip fidgets. If she gets any bolder with her geography, Trip gonna wish he was wearing a cup. Remember Phlox's toenails? "Ensign Sato barely has an accent, she was telling me how attractive she thinks you are," Pheezil oozes. Hoshi falls all over herself to assure Trip that they were only talking about grammar, and shoots Pheezil a weirded-out look. "It's okay, Hoshi," Trip tells her. Hoshi gets up to leave and tells Pheezil it was nice to meet her. Kind of bitchy on Pheezil's part to put Hoshi in a situation where she felt the need to explain herself to Trip and follow it with a "sir." "I wasn't exactly pulling your leg, was I?" Pheezil says, in what I'm sure she thinks are seductive tones. Good to see the Denobulan native understands English idiomatic phrases. Trip giggles a bit and finally says, "Look, I'm very flattered, but aren't you a married woman?" Pheezil shrugs, "I'm a woman -- that's all that matters, isn't it?" Trip tries to get away from her Denobulan toenails by saying that the Captain wanted him to write up a summary of that night's movie. "Save me a seat!" Pheezil purrs. "You probably wouldn't like it. It's very scary and you gotta be human to appreciate horror films. I'll see you in the morning!" Trip rushes his sentences and his body out of the Mess. Pheezil just smiles.
Ship's Gym. Trip greets a stationary-bike-riding Reed with, "She's at it agin!" "I don't know about you," Reed chuckles, "but I find her quite attractive." Of course you do; the writers want to make it good and clear that you are NOT the gay character we've all been wishing on a star for. Trip gets on a bike and starts pedaling. "Come on, Malcolm -- this is serious. What if Phlox found out?" Trip demands. Malcolm asks if Trip has done anything to encourage her. "Of course not!" Trip interrupts him. "Maybe I should tell the doc." Reed laughs heartily at the idea of Trip telling Phlox that his wife is putting the moves on him.. "It might be a lot easier to avoid her advances than get Phlox angry. I once saw him lose his temper when one of his creatures bit him. It was not a pretty site," Reed laughs. Trip shakes his head and sighs. After seeing what Phlox is like when he's awakened from his annual sleep, I'd love to see him do anger.
Sick Bay. Phlox looks at some data and tells T'Pol that what they have is not a cure, but it will slow down the disease's progression. They'd better follow up this story arc with a lot more than just commenting on finding a cure in an episode down the line. Phlox muses that he figured on her species being a lot further along with a cure, but George W. Bush reminds everyone how unmotivated they are to spend the taxpayers' anvils on it. You understand that I don't literally mean George W. Bush took the place of T'Pol right there and said her lines, don't you? It was a clever device to make a point about our society today. I feel the need to explain myself because the writers seem to think we viewers are on the Village Idiot career path. Phlox sniffs that with this new information, he should be able to make more progress than the Vulcans have. Now, that would be an interesting conclusion in a few months or years. Of course, if they do that, they're inching closer and closer to The Giant Reset Button In The Sky. I mean, how could some random alien serving on the first warp spaceship find a cure to a controversial Vulcan disease and not ever be mentioned by anyone in future series?
Quantum comes in to check up on things and ask T'Pol if she figured out why Dr. Yurinate gave it to her. "No, I haven't," T'Pol answers, proving that she can lie and not just omit or evade when she feels the need to respect another's privacy. Quantum shifts his weight back and forth for a bit until T'Pol realizes that he has spoken to "them." "Them" must be the High Council, because Quantum tells T'Pol that she's been recalled. Phlox wonders if they have the authority to do that. "Dr. Oratt does, he's a ranking member of the Council of Physicians," Quantum answers. Okay, so "them" isn't the High Command; "them" is the three doctors in Sim City. Quantum says that the doctors plan on taking T'Pol back with them once the conference is over, and the High Command will not be notified of her situation until they reach Vulcan. "You've...got...to...tellthem...T'Pol," Quantum thunders, "tell...them...what HAPPENED. They won't do a thing to you once they know it wasn't voluntary -- that he did it against your will!" "I won't do that," T'Pol whispers. "Why the hell not?" Quantum demands. "I have Pa'nar Syndrome -- it doesn't matter how I contracted it," T'Pol argues. Quantum thinks it makes a lot of difference, since B'Stiller "forced himself" on her and that makes her different from the minority they stigmatize. Phlox agrees with Quantum and urges her to unburden herself to the Vulcans. Here T'Pol makes her big speech: "He is not right. If I use that as a defense, as a way to keep from being taken off Enterprise, I'd be condoning their prejudice, and in the process indicting every member of the minority. I won't do that." She leaves. Phlox sighs. Quantum furrows.
Sim City. Quantum demands to see Dr. Ensign. "Dr. Oratt isn't available," some Vulcan tells him. "Perhaps I can help you." "Perhaps NOT!" Quantum responds. Oh, good one. Quantum steps in the middle of three Vulcans and looks at each of them before he realizes none of them is the Vulcan he's seeking. Just because they all have pointed ears doesn't mean they all look alike! Through some Plexiglass, Quantum spies Dr. Ensign in a room. He pounds on the glass, shouting, "STELLA!" The first Vulcan thinks he's going to have to ask Quantum to leave. "I need to talk to you!" Quantum says, getting Dr. Ensign's attention and ignoring the d'orman. "This is a clear sign that he's bitten off more scenery than he can chew," Mathra decides. Dr. Ensign comes out and asks what he can do for the good captain. "You had no right to take my Science Officer," Quantum bellows. Dr. Ensign disagrees about his rights. "You can't dismiss someone just because you don't agree with how they conduct their personal lives," Quantum says, as an anvil that looks remarkably like Tom Hanks ten years ago asks me if it can have a drink of water. Dr. Ensign informs Quantum that he's not dismissing T'Pol; he's just taking her back to Vulcan so the High Command can dismiss her. Although he calls it "determining whether she's fit for duty." "Fit!" Quantum hisses, no doubt getting spit all over Dr. Ensign's nice white coat. "You're saying a single mind-meld is enough to destroy her career?" Dr. Ensign says nothing, so Quantum extrapolates that it's more that she contracted the disease than the mind-meld. "That's why you're hesitant to find a cure, isn't it? Why bother to help people you don't approve of!" Quantum hypothesizes. Just what are they trying to tell us in this episode? It's so unclear to me. Is it that Trip should just give in and sleep with Pheezil already because alienism is bad? That's it, isn't it? OUCH! Crap, I should know better than to be sarcastic when teething anvils are clustering around me. Where's the Bacitracin? I gotta be careful of homo -- I mean, hydro-phobia.
"I'm sorry you don't understand the complexities of our culture, Captain," Dr. Ensign says. I don't think he's really sorry. Dr. Ensign wants T'Pol packed up and ready to roll in thirty-six hours. Wow -- a whole day and a half to pack up a Veronica's Closet robe and a ginger-peach candle? She better start packing right now. This is where Quantum throws the medical book at Dr. Ensign. He cites all these things that T'Pol is entitled to: a hearing in their current orbit, a brace of pheasants every other Tuesday, and a pint of ale when she takes her exams. That last one is a bit outdated, as she'd have to appear in full armor and salute the proctor with her sword in order to get it. "The accusation against T'Pol stands, it is not open for debate," Dr. Ensign tells him. "Where I come from, everything's open for debate!" Quantum loudly contradicts. He's going to make sure T'Pol has her day in court. "You're wasting your time," Dr. Ensign comments. "It's mine to waste!" Quantum grits out. He's just getting all the zingers tonight, isn't he? Dr. Ensign says his little class action won't delay their departure, and orders it take place the afternoon. "Tomorrow afternoon, fine!" Quantum says to Dr. Ensign's back.
Sick Bay. Although you'd think it was a high school beach party, what with the six-pack we get shoved in our faces. It's May-$^&&*%. Is there some list of unwritten rules that he cannot appear on the show unless he is going to be maimed, lobotomized, or showing his extreme buffness? I don't go in for that -- I really don't. Muscles so big that you can barely walk or let your arms hang naturally turn me off. I prefer a lean, wiry body. When I saw the pythons May-Abrasion has been hiding in his sleeves, it just made me realize how pea-like his head is. Apparently, our favorite disappearing ensign was playing some game with the Dekendis, and he got hurt. "Just because they asked you to participate doesn't mean you had to," Phlox tuts. May-Bruise comments that the game "looked easy enough." Yeah, well, so did that movable rock face you climbed on Risa. Did anyone ever check the expiration date on May-Bang's brain after his minor lobotomy? "You're lucky this creature didn't strike a bit lower," Phlox comments, scanning May-Slip-And-Fall's side. May-Fallen-And-Can't-Get-Up winces at the idea of losing his other favorite pastime. "If I may ask, what is the purpose of this --" Phlox pokes at May-Accident-Prone's muscles. I don't know that they serve much of a "purpose," really. They're just the result of Montgomery having absolutely nothing to do on set other than use his Bow-Flex. "-- sport," Phlox finishes. Oh. May-Contusion explains, "They got these fargans -- they're kind of like cows with humps -- and they love melons -- I think they're melons. So, four guys get into this big circle filled with fargans and throw these melons back and forth. They use sticks with metal baskets at the end. Do you play Monkey-in-the-Middle on Denobula?" May-Boo-Boo asks. This is the second sport that bears a resemblance to lacrosse. With that and the massive amounts of water polo, I'm beginning to wonder about Bermaga and their pre-occupation with Choate-y sports. By the by, I love the name "Choate" -- it sounds like an insult or something supremely disgusting.
Phlox doesn't think they have a game that answers to that description, and before May-Rupture can get much farther with his tale of bear-baiting, Trip walks in and requests an audience with the good doctor. Since he doesn't want to discuss it in front of the E-N-S-I-G-N, May-Scab leaves. Trip stumbles a bit about whether his coming to Phlox was the right thing to do before he gets out, "Pheezil? I mean, 'Mrs. Phlox'...is a lovely woman. And she's very smart. She knows more about quantum optics than anyone I've ever met." Phlox agrees that his help-meet is remarkable. Trip seizes on that word and blathers, "'Remarkable'...yeeeah, she shore is." Trip stops here, and Phlox wonders if there's something else he wanted to say. Judging by the knowing look on Phlox's face, he knows exactly what Trip is trying to get at. Trip explains that he's been a perfect gentleman around Pheezil and that nothing's happened. "She's trying to...uh, she's um, she's...making advances? If you know what I meen?" Trip finally gets out, watching Phlox's face for signs of rage. "Sexual advances?" Phlox asks, intrigued. DING! Hooray, the Corned Beef Slash is finally done -- I think I'll leave it to cool until we're ready for more. Trip is afraid that the advances are indeed sexual. "Has she offered to give you a rose petal bath?" Phlox asks, delighted. That sounds too human to be something an alien seductress would do. Why not, "Has she offered to give you a poached eel backrub?" Trip denies that anything like that has been proffered. "Oh, any man would be a fool to ignore the romantic overtures of a healthy Denobulan woman! Ha!" Phlox crows. Trip looks like he could do with some overtures of Maalox. Phlox demands to know if Trip doesn't find Pheezil attractive. "Aw, sure. I meen, no, she's your whyfe!" Trip babbles. Phlox doesn't see the connection problem. "She's your whyfe?" Trip repeats, in this great tone of voice that implies it's a new reason. Phlox pishes and toshes that reason, telling Trip he's "too concerned with human morality." "I thought you wanted to learn about new cultures -- isn't that why you joined Starfleet?" Phlox wonders. I think Trip's done plenty of "learning" over the course of a season and a half. Trip agrees that that's why he joined, but states, "But I was brought up believing that you don' play around with another man's whyfe!" Trip doesn't think he's ever going to change his mind about that commandment, either. "As you wish," Phlox shrugs. "Your loss." Trip looks more pained than ever. Maybe it's because he hasn't told Phlox about that burning sensation when he pees.
T'Pol's Boudoir. T'Pol packs up some green face powder and a few tubes of lipstick she has no intention of giving back to Malcolm. Quantum arrives to deliver her court summons. "I have no interest in challenging their decision," T'Pol tells him. Quantum sermonizes that it's her duty to strike a blow for the unwashed oppressed masses and prove that she really doesn't condone the Vulcan hypocrisy. "You need to understand, I won't tell them how I got the disease," T'Pol quavers. Quantum agrees and says, "But you've got to understand, I'm not gonna give you up without a fight."
As the chords from "Stand By Your Vulcan" strike up, the computer monitor transports us back to Sim City. At the hearing -- there's a pointy-ear joke in there somewhere, isn't there? -- Dr. Ensign states that the fact that T'Pol has Pa'nar Syndrome is not why she's being recalled. And again we have to revisit that it's not the disease itself that makes her a pariah; it's the lifestyle choice. T'Pol reminds us that it's not a choice; it's how this minority was born. "Exactly, they're genetic aberrations who pray on people like you -- people foolish enough to experiment with abhorrent behavior," Dr. P'sh Over informs her. God, we get it already -- "mind-melders" = "homosexuals" and "Pa'nar Syndrome" = "AIDS" and in a few years the Vulcans will be enlightened enough to allow the mind-melders their own parade! Dr. Yurinate looks as though he's going to come out of the melding closet. Quantum uses this opportunity to let loose with all the personal issues he has with Vulcans, and because he's a human filled with volatile emotions, he can't sit in his chair. He has to get up and carry his furrows around the room while he makes his point: "We got rid of bigotry nearly a century ago. We're not afraid of diversity. We don't persecute it, we embrace it. If you call yourselves 'enlightened,' you have to accept people who are different than you are!" Oh, so what the hell is this? Now they're going to credit Gazelle Man Quantum with the whole Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations? Considering that came out as a Vulcan "thing" in "Is There In Truth No Beauty?", Gene Roddenberry just built a merry-go-round under his headstone. I really resent Braman and Bermaga's taking of this franchise (that SOMEONE WHO IS NOT EITHER OF THEM created, nurtured, and made into what it is) and rewriting the history so they can basically erase Roddenberry's touches and succubus their greasy fingerprints all over it instead. Sars? Hi, yeah, it's Keckler. Listen, I can't recap ever again for the rest of my life. Yeah. Well, it turns out I'm suffering from one of the more dramatic forms of brain fever.
"This is pointless, our culture is governed by rules. We're not about to ignore them," Dr. P'sh Over tells him. Dr. Yurinate's got his hand on the closet doorknob. T'Pol tells them that there aren't any rules telling them to oppress minorities. Dr. P'sh Over says, "You'd rather let them spread their infections -- that's exactly why you're being recalled." T'Pol corrects him and says she's being recalled because they don't like the idea of anything that doesn't conform to their standards of "acceptable" behavior. Dr. P'sh Over tells her she doesn't know what she's talking about; the decision has been made, hence the hearing is over. "She knows exactly what she's talking about!" Dr. Yurinate blurts out. "Are you questioning our judgement?" Dr. Ensign huff-and-stuffs. "There is nothing abhorrent about the way we lead our lives," Dr. Yurinate announces, now fully emerged from the closet. "'We'?!" Dr. P'sh Over repeats. "There is no simple definition of intimacy. Those of us capable of mind-melds are no different from you," Dr. Yurinate informs them. Quantum looks very confused. See, this is why he helped her. He's one of them -- get it? Never mind, I'll explain it back on the ship. Dr. Ensign tells him how hot the water is that he's getting himself into. "We share our thoughts differently -- we shouldn't be punished for that," Dr. Yurinate goes on. Dr. Ensign says the High Command will decide how both of them will be punished, and fusses up from the table. Dr. Yurinate pauses for a moment before getting up and saying, "She's not guilty of anything -- she was violated." Now T'Pol gets up and says, "You gave me your word!" "The mind-meld was performed against her will," Dr. Yurinate continues. Dr. Ensign wants to know if T'Pol can speak to that statement. T'Pol pleads the F'fth and says she won't allow them to perpetuate their double-standard, adding, "Condemn the infected when they meld by choice and sympathize with them when they do not?" Dr. Ensign wants to know what Quantum knows of this situation, but for once, he supports T'Pol and keeps his big mouth shut. "She told me herself -- she made me promise to stay silent," Dr. Yurinate tells the doctors. He apologizes to T'Pol, saying he had to tell the truth, and urges her to do the same. Oh, here it comes -- her big moment: "I have nothing to say to them," T'Pol states.
Sick Bay. Trip and Phlox examine the microscope. Pheezil walks in, and she and Phlox lean over Trip to sniff one another. Trip averts his eyes. Phlox hopes he won't have to wait four more years to see her again, and Pheezil reminds him that the other wives would like to get a piece of him as well. "Commander Tucker assures me he'll keep your beautiful microscope in perfect running order," Phlox says. "As his doctor, I hope you'll keep Commander Tucker in perfect running order. Perhaps that will motivate me to visit more often," Pheezil says, looking like she's about to sniff Trip. Phlox hums suggestively and says, "It's a shame you two didn't get to...know each other better." Trip tries to put an end to this double-entendre-laden talk by saying he's gotta get back to the warp engine: "The plasma is running a little hot." "I know how it pheels," Pheezil purrs. Phlox hums again. I think the Corned Beef Slash is ready now -- anyone up for a sandwich? Trip makes a strained face and says, "Pleasure meeting you," to Pheezil. He leaves. Both Phlox and Pheezil watch his ass go. "Humans!" Phlox snorts, and they both go into gales of laughter.
Quantum's Quarters. From his Weight Of The World Window, Quantum tells T'Pol that Dr. Yurinate has been suspended. T'Pol isn't surprised. Apparently, they offered him a hearing, but he refused. "Oratt said he'll lose his standing with the Medical Exchange when they get back to Vulcan," Quantum continues. Again, T'Pol isn't exactly staggered by this turn of events. Quantum finally cuts to the chase; the Vulcans believed Dr. Yurinate and his statement that T'Pol was forced, so T'Pol gets to stay. Thank god -- the suspense was beginning to itch a bit. "With your permission, I would like to contact the High Command. I don't intend to let Yuris be dismissed without a fight," T'Pol says. She LOVES him! Quantum looks all proud of her and grants his permission. Has she ever had to ask his consent to contact the High Command before? "I know you must be very disappointed that he broke his promise to you. But on a selfish note, I'm glad he did. I didn't want to lose you," Quantum says, looking at her from under a Furrow Of No Sexual Tension Whatsoever So Stop Trying To Infer That It's There. T'Pol hopes that this incident will encourage others to protest and distribute pamphlets. Quantum hopes that's the case as well.
And because the anvils in my corner fell asleep -- exhausted by the overuse they got tonight -- Viacom insisted on putting up a number to call if you want more information on HIV/AIDS. Wait, AIDS? What does AIDS have to do with tonight's episode? Aw, the anvils look so sweet when they drool in their sleep.
week, in Enterprise's continuing mission to seek out new ways to bring the Vulcans down a few pegs because Braman aren't leaving their inferiority complexes in their therapist's office, Quantum is brought in to mediate a few issues The Blue Man Group has with The Little Green Men.