Previously on Enterprise, Season Three happened. Previously in My Life, I went to a Very Uncomfortable Wedding where I successfully avoided all contact with a horrible ex (who now looks like complete and utter hell), was told by my college friends that they're annoyed I haven't gained a pound or seemed to age since college, and had Dr. Mathra favorably compared to a less puffier Ben Affleck. I think I'm ready to start this season.
Major props and karmic drinks go out to Jacob for keeping an eye on the forums this weekend, and a big Doris Day-Rock Hudson kiss to Demian for doing the recaplet, keeping an additional eye on the boards, AND meeting us for drinks in Chicago before the Very Uncomfortable Wedding Reception. You are awesome, man, and we had a fabulous time in Chicago all because of your wonderfulness. I can't wait for our Bitch and Gossip session. Also, it may have been lost in the all the crap surrounding the premiere, the on-going beef and veal photo-shoot, and wedding stuff, but I wanted to wish the Evil Dr. Mathra (and therefore myself) a Happy Fourth Anniversary -- we're drinking that bottle of perfect gigondas soon, I promise!
Tripper Gore and May-Present-and-Accounted-For are still under attack from some Blue Angels gone psycho. Having been to many air shows, May-Still-Here correctly identifies their attackers as P-51s. Trip responds, "I don't think this is an air show." Yes, thank you for that, Trip. Now go make yourself useful and shut up. They make several attempts at contacting their attackers before they finally decide to take their space asses out of range of the guns and bombs. Damn, I was hoping the Red Baron might coast on by. What's that you say? The Red Baron is from another war? Do you honestly think that sort of minor detail matters to these writers? Thought not. Damn, now I want a Red Baron pizza. Do you remember those commercials where the corporate woman would come home from a busy day at the office to an empty (but clean and well-decorated) house to find the handsome and be-moustached flying ace waiting for her with an intimate dinner of frozen pizza? Those commercials were Harlequin romance novels.
I REALLY liked the Enterprise promo music they had over the summer and I REALLY wish they'd turn it into the theme song because I REALLY HATE THIS SONG! You know, I think I'd even love the Joey opener for this show.
Quantum sulks in the back of a convoy with manacled hands as a human Nazi tries to make small talk about Hollywood. He slings a comradely arm around his prisoner and jokes that maybe Quantum will introduce him to Betty Grable. "She's not your type," Quantum grumbles. Look, the Nazi's trying to be nice, don't you think you could make a little effort? The Nazi isn't fazed as he laughs and says, "You know, in Hollywood movies, Americans always win," and then he gets all "evil" in order to add, "Too bad you aren't in a movie." Oh, the boots. Look how they are shaking with me in them. The convoy gets ambushed and the driver shot. More shots fired. The -- what shall we call him? HollyNazi? Führerwood? -- orders his driver to keep driving. Uh, the dude's DEAD, Your Goosesteppiness! Honestly, how did they ever invade Poland? Shooting occurs. The snipers firing on the Nazis look like they're in civvies, not military togs, and one guy even looks like Indiana Jones -- same hat and everything. Stands to reason, doesn't it? Where there are Nazis, there's Indiana Jones. Or the Blues Brothers. But only in Illinois, I suppose. Quantum escapes, only to be captured by mobsters. If there's a Big White Book anywhere on a pedestal, talking about Chicago mobs in the thirties, I'm leaving. Oh, and not that I would know this because I can't afford that sort of cable and therefore don't watch, but I think this might be one of the Sopranos actors they suckered into a guest role. If not, don't email me. Really. Don't. ["Since this isn't an email…you're right, it's Bobby Bacala. Who, according to the IMDb, is from my neighborhood. Rad." -- Sars]
As we listen to a crackly broadcast of Churchill giving a famous and inspirational speech about it all coming down to world anarchy or world order, Reed pulls on his lip that's become stiffer with every passing minute. I seriously doubt whether Malcolm's upper lip has ever been stiffer. He thought he'd experienced the stiffness before but that stiffness was nothing, NOTHING, compared to this stiffness. In fact, if the stiffness doesn't subside in three hours, he might have to seek medical attention. Do you see how I turned British national pride into something dirty? Just think what I could do with "mustn't grumble." You're scared now, aren't you? Hoshi reports that was Ol' Windbag himself in a speech that he gave thirty minutes ago, and Reed brilliantly figures out that they are two hundred years in the past. You know, just in case we couldn't do that math ourselves based on the Nazis, the Nazis, oh, and THE NAZIS! Hoshi goes on that she intercepted more military reports and "a radio show -- something called 'The Shadow.'" Ah, Lamont Cranston -- debonair man about town by day, creepy peeping tom by night. I kid. I love "The Shadow" and used to listen to that and "The Life of Riley" with my mom, but let's face it, this ability to cloud men's minds that he learned in "the Orient"? He didn't just use it to solve crimes. That Margo Lane had quite the sexy voice, and Lamont knew full well that evil doesn't lurk solely in the hearts of men -- sometimes it's in pantaloons too. What? Oh, right. The show.
T'Pol wants to run a diagnostic, but Trip goes all ape shit about how this isn't a sensor glitch, they're in the past, and he doesn't give a ratty tat's ass about what the Vulcan High Council thinks of time travel. Once she wipes the Trip spittle from her face, T'Pol continues with what she was saying: "The first step to getting back is ascertaining how we got here. As soon as the diagnostic is complete, I want to scan for any anomalies in the area." Reed accepts his orders and prances off to apply more Viagra Lip Balm to his upper lip. May-Pocket-Philosopher wonders if they were meant to be there. If he starts quoting Thomas Paine, I'm cracking open a forty. Oh, what am I worried about? This is Enterprise -- there's no higher thinking going on here. Whew. T'Pol agrees they have to consider all possibilities.
In a corridor, Silik crawls upside-down and inside-out on the ceiling. Why do I come over all Dr. Seuss-y when describing Suliban I Am? Oh, wait -- Silik's back! Yay?
One Alienazi tells another Alienazi that the Germans believe there are resistance fighters throughout the region who all went out and bought Franklin Planners and are becoming both better organized and highly effective. The gray Alienazi berates the taupe one for not being more careful with Quantum. Camel Taupe piffles that Quantum was "just an American prisoner." Shades of Gray reveals that Quantum's communicator is from the future. Dun-DUN-meh. As Camel Taupe wonders about temporal agents, Shades of Gray orders more men around the compound and notes, "If they have located us, it won't be long before they strike." Camel Taupe promises to recover Quantum.
T'Pol muses over a game of Risk on her computer, and Trip comes in to apologize for his un-lover-like conduct. T'Pol forgives and forgets and they both babble about turning their thoughts and bodies toward home. Trip comments, "The Cap'n would allus try to put the best light on the worst situation -- I wunner what he'd say to this wun." "I think he'd be hard pressed to find any positive aspects," T'Pol says. Ah, a familiar feeling for me. Reed enters to give reports of Hoshi's eavesdropping. There have been mentions of battles fought in Virginia and Ohio. Reed continues, "There weren't any battles fought there in World War II -- the Nazis never got to North America." They didn't? Huh, imagine that! And all this time I thought we were under the heel of a ridiculous moustache and fascist dictatorship. "Something's very wrong down there," Reed deduces with a brilliance not often seen in our time.
Sickbay. Phlox shakes a quivering bowl of dark organ meat at an unresponsive Porthos. "It's chicken liver -- your favorite," he wheedles, "with grated cheddar!" Aw, he took the time to grate it? I love Phlox. Quantum would probably just unwrap a hunk of government issue and drop it in a bowl. Hell, he probably wouldn't even bother to unwrap it. Porthos doesn't look up, and Phlox says he'll check to see if Chef has any steaks on the menu. Poor puppy. Quantum's not worth moping over, little bug. Not the way he treated you before he ran off and got himself time-traveled. Before Phlox gets very far, a sweaty-toothed madman flings himself into Sickbay. We can tell from his Michelin couture that it's Daniels. God, I KNEW it! I just knew this whole stupid plot was all his time-fucking fault because he just. Can't. Leave. "Jonathan." ALONE! I knew it I knew it I knew it! Anyway, the dork looks like ass. In fact, it would appear that someone peeled off his skin, melted it over gentle heat, and slapped it back on his body with little regard for symmetry or facial structure. His wild hair and one dead white-blue eye remind me of a short story I read in grade school about the first trip to Mars. It could have been the moon, though, I don't really remember. Anyway, this family is taking space Amtrak to the moon/Mars and everyone is supposed to take a sleeping drug for the duration of the trip. However, the son secretly doesn't take the drug, and when the family wakes up at the end of the trip, the kid has aged about seventy years and has gone insane because of the length of the trip. They carry him away in straitjacket as he screams about the wonders he has seen. It was really creepy and might have been by Bradbury or Dahl -- I wish I could remember -- but the description of the insane kid with his wild hair and eyes is what Daniels looks like. Daniels throws himself into Phlox's arms.
Meanwhile, on Quantum Leap, Sam is taken care of by a gorgeous black woman, who will turn out to be in dire trouble and also somehow also related to him. As she proceeds to mop down his fevered brow with a washcloth, a shirtless Quantum gasps awake. She assures him she's "a friend" and reminds him that war's a dirty business. Where are they getting these weak-ass lines? It's like they just stopped trying. And it's the FIRST EPISODE OF THE SEASON! Oy. Her name is Alicia Travers and she wants to know what the last thing is that Quantum remembers. "Well, I was a baseball player and I had just hit a home run, which is funny because I even don't know how to play baseball, but I had to do it to save someone's life who was in dire trouble and then they turned out to be related to me," Dr. Mathra snorts. Don't mind him, I've discovered the joys of TiVo capturing 3 AM Quantum Leaps and he's irritated with me for subjecting our apartment to marathons. Alicia tells him his SS "friends" are dead, which is how we all like them. She fusses over him a bit more with the damp washcloth and confuses him by calling him "sailor." "Yeah, the patch on your shirt says Enterprise -- you must've made it off before it sank. How'd you wind up all the way over here?" Oh, are we supposed to feel all choked up that in this alt timeline the U.S.S. Enterprise sank instead of earning the twenty-or-so battle stars at Midway, Iwo Jima, and Guadalcanal, among others? Because I don't. It may have something to do with that Giant Reset Button Throbbing in the Sky, or it may have something to do with Contrivance's big ol' pocket handkerchief soppily embroidered with the lyrics to "When the Swallows Return to Capistrano" in a pattern illustrating the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Quantum doesn't know how he got there and asks where "there" is. Brooklyn. For some unfathomable reason, the music wants us to believe this is a huge revelation, and I'd love, love, LOVE to think it's because of the quote "Well, there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade" (thank you, Demian), but I'm giving the writers far too much credit for that sort of subtlety. And intelligence. And imagination. And class. Oh, and here is where Quantum mutters something about it being World War II. Alicia says she hasn't heard it called that before, BUT if it is 1944, as they just said it was, people were actually already calling it just that. She probably doesn't get out much. Or listen to the radio. Or read newspapers. Or talk to anyone in the underground who has access to everything, including ground beef and news.
The scene should probably strike fear, loathing, and general ickiness in the hearts of all red-blooded Americans, but you know? Thinking of the current administration scares me much more. Nazi banners are draped all over the White House, which is missing a corner off the top and scorch marks. Inside, the Alienazis are showing period-y black and white films of a new phaser weapon that can blow apart a tank in a single shot. They're developing that kind of technology and they still can't watch it in color? Not a very effective salesman, this Camel Taupe. The human Nazi --who is no Conrad Veidt, by the way -- wants the new weapon right away, but Camel Taupe explains why that would not be adequate leverage of their particular combined skill set if they wanted to grow their win, win, win for the Alienazis, the Nazis, and the compulsory serving of sauerkraut at breakfast. He mentions how, in his century, they have energy cells the size of a coin, but not so much in this century. But you know what they do have? Visine. Camel Taupe requires more supplies, but Nonrad Veidt screeches -- in that weird way that only Nazis and red-bottomed monkeys ever mastered -- that they can't keep diverting supplies from the war effort. Camel Taupe explains that as they are in the "house of the former U.S. President," he thinks the war effort is going well enough. What is with the over-explanation? Do they really have such a low opinion of their audience that they think we wouldn't recognize the White House just because they pinned up a few swastikas here and there? Puh-leese -- we watch West Wing!
Nonrad Veidt jabs at a map and talks about strategy. We can see that the Nazis have taken over most of the East Coast and part of Ohio. Nonrad Heimlichs on that Africa isn't secured and the Russians are making a valiant effort to take back Moscow, and that no one wants to tell Adolf this, but the idea that the Germans have taken too much too quickly is rumbling though the men. But that could just be the sausages. Camel Taupe points out that that's why it's muy importante that they get the phaser-ouzies all fixed up. To prove that Camel Taupe would never be so unimaginative as to concentrate only on mere weapons, he tells of a plague that could wipe out all non-Aryans. "No need for extermination camps -- just a few grams of a pathogen introduced into the water supply," Camel Taupe dream-weaves. "You make promeeses but all ve ever see iz feelms!" Nonrad Colonel Klinks. But have you seen All Through the Night? Because that's a good one -- Nazis, New York, cheesecake rituals, Dame Judith Anderson, AND her flesh-toned mole. "We both embrace the ideals of purity and perfection," Camel Taupe soothes the German beast. Yeah? Then how do you explain your ugly-ass face, dude? Camel Taupe convinces Nonrad to maintain their partnership, as it is vital to their mutual survival, and Nonrad admits that no one has suggested ending "any-sing." Camel Taupe expects his phouzie ingredients by the end of the week. They bang heels for mutual clickification and snap their heads down. Do you think Nazis had special shoes made to withstand such constant abuse? Maybe it's just really good leather.
Sickbay. Phlox SCATs Daniels and concludes that he's dying (YAY!) because his body has aged at a dramatic rate. Although there are also some places where his body has actually reverted to nearly fetal tissue. I don't want to even KNOW where exactly those places are. Time-Traveling AIDS aside, T'Pol needs to talk to Daniels as he may be, like Obi-Wan, their only hope.
Back on the set of "A Piece of the Action," Oxmyx, Krakko (but sadly, no Spocko), and some others head over to Alicia's place. We see Nazis beating and killing people in the streets. The mobsters pause momentarily to consider a turf war, but keep trucking. Inside the apartment, Oxmyx checks out Alicia's windows and announces that "Vic" was arrested a few hours ago. The Nazis are trying to find out where they misplaced Quantum and they think this Vic might know something. The mobsters want to know who Quantum is and what's so special about him, but Quantum tells them "it's classified." I'm annoyed that the mobsters don't say, "Yeah? Well, classify THIS!" and shoot him in the kneecaps. Oxmyx does point a gun in Quantum's face and tells him he has three seconds, but as he counts down, another mobster intervenes and tells him to calm down. All Quantum will say is that they are on the same side. "Damn military," Oxmyx scoffs, "you cut and run and leave us at the mercy of these Nazi bastards." Quantum says there was no cutting or running on his part. "Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot -- it was an 'orderly retreat,'" Oxmyx sneers as sirens wail by. Oxmyx turns to Alicia -- who, let's face it, is just Lily from First Contact in bobby socks and a ponytail -- and tells her that if Vic breaks, they won't be safe. Alicia pops open a bottle of Moxie and says she's not leaving her home. And I'll bet she'll never go hungry again either. Oxmyx bites back a proud smile and says they are going to get more info on Vic. As he leaves, he actually smiles at Quantum, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Like, are we expected to believe that this mobster, who has been living under and fighting a Nazi occupation, suddenly just *snap* trusts this stranger, especially since the stranger has given zip in the info or trust-building departments? Well, then again, we are expected to believe that the time travel plot hasn't gotten nearly enough play in twenty-seven years of Trek -- isn't that right, Bermaga? Don't make me come up with an insulting nickname for you, Manny.
Sickbay. Phlox brings Daniels around, and T'Pol tells him that Quantum is dead for now and the Xindi weapon destroyed (maybe also "for now," because with this show, who the hell knows?). Daniels wheezes that he is indeed responsible for their time-travel, because the Temporal Cold War has become an all-out conflict with temporal agents stationed throughout the timeline carrying orders to change history, because each faction is trying to wipe the others out. T'Pol grips Daniels and explains the Nazi debacle. Daniels wheezes, "Different incursions are causing paradoxes -- turbulences in the time-stream -- I almost didn't make it back." I was just about to say, "Shut up, Daniels!" when he interrupts me by having bit a of a conniption. Once he stops flailing, T'Pol asks him how they get back to their time. "You can't -- it doesn't exist, at least, not the way you remember it. Neither does mine -- it's all gone. You have to stop him," Daniels rasps. "Stop who?" T'Pol demands a few times as Daniels expires a little more.
Somewhere in the Third Reich's study. The Alienazis talk about the recent ambush and the prisoner they have who might talk if they make him watch a few more hours of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee. Camel Taupe mentions that they are picking up signals of a ship in orbit that has the same temporal stamp as Quantum's communicator. He orders the prisoner brought to him, once he's done throwing up from witnessing the horrors of tinned crabmeat sandwiches dipped in fondant and sprinkled with glitter.
On Sars's street. Alicia brings Quantum food as he finishes buttoning a shirt that belongs to her husband who is now on a destroyer in the Pacific. Quantum takes a bite of food and says, "It's not bad." Alicia calls him a rotten liar and says that all the good stuff goes to the Germans. Yeah, but somehow Café Rene always got good the stuff -- I think it was von Smallhausen's influence. Alicia waxes dramatic about the day the Nazis "rolled up Flatbush." Yes, yes, and when the Nazis march out, you'll wear that blue dress again -- we've ALL seen the movie you're ripping off. Alicia bitches about the President promising to persevere but then turning tail and running out of D.C. Music plays outdoors and Alicia smiles "sadly" and says, "Right on time." Quantum recognizes the strains of Billie Holiday and follows Alicia outside. She explains, "Germans outlawed colored music. Some of the neighbors pass a phonograph from house to house every night, so the Germans can't find it. Just another way of telling them off." "Alicia, I'm going to ask you something -- it's going to sound a little strange -- does this remind you of a bad Quantum Leap episode?" Or maybe he just asks about the Alienazi being, well, an alien. From her reaction, Quantum guesses this isn't the first time she's heard or thought about that. She shrugs off that she thought they were just stories. Quantum insists that they are more than that and he must to track down Shades of Gray right away. "It's very important." Yes, he needs to bring him some chilled cucumber slices.
Enterprise Engineering. Trip is fixing stuff on the sh'pod and looks around to see Silik pointing a gun at him. He's barely surprised, and accuses Silik of all sorts of time-foolery. Silik denies all and sneers that Trip would never be able to grasp the situation. A bit goaded, Trip beats Silik up after the Suliban man tries to force him into the sh'pod. He gets Silik in a headlock, but Silik genetically oozes out of his grasp and shoots him. The Bridge crew notes the situation and T'Pol CRACK WHORES her eyes when she learns of the Suliban bio-sign on a stolen sh'pod leaving the ship. Enterprise fires, and the sh'pod seems to plummet to Earth.
As Alicia listens, Quantum and Krakko discuss the possibility of an inhuman Nazi. Finally, Krakko says "all right" to something and then hands over a paper packet to Alicia, explaining that it's hamburger and the Germans have cut the meat rations again. Because those of us who read or watch Nero Wolfe know that the mob can truly answer the question "Where's the beef?" in wartime, I buy that whole contraband ground-round crap. Krakko tells them to watch themselves, and leaves. Alicia explains their hardships at the hands of the Nazis. I tell you, it's The Pianist all over again. Just get off the Paramount backlot, throw in an inappropriate kiss, and this episode's got Oscar written all over it. Some Nazis hassle Quantum and Alicia (who hurriedly tossed the meat packet in a bin before the hausfraus saw it) and throw around all sorts of offensive comments. They even call Alicia a "bitch," which might actually be a first for this show. That is, if you ignore Trip's "sunuva bitch"s that pop out nearly every episode. And I do. Quantum and Alicia hurry away with the Nazis taunting after them about running around an African jungle together. After that comment Alicia says to Quantum, "Like I said, the neighborhood's gone downhill." Because, you know, she's got moxie.
Enterprise. T'Pol assumes Silik was the one Daniels said they had to stop. Reed locates some trace remnant energy patterns from the sh'pod crash site. Trip's confused as to why Silik pulled him out of the launchbay before he depressurized it instead of just leaving him to die. "Another item on our list of things to ponder," Reed snarks, eager to get underway and to stop all this thinking stuff.
Alicia and Quantum skulk with Krakko and Oxmyx down some steps off the street. Oxmyx reminds everyone that curfew starts in an hour, and gunshots ring out to remind us how the Nazis are SO evil they don't even abide by their own rules before they start killing people. Krakko and Oxmyx jaw a bit about how they used to rule the streets and can't get used to all this hiding they now have to do. This, of course, prompts Alicia to expose them as the mobsters they really are. We're forty minutes into this episode and they're actually taking the time to make sure we know exactly what Vic, Sal, and Carmine do? Man, every time I watch this show I lose I.Q. points.
In a darkened alley some time later, Oxmyx tells Quantum that the guy they're meeting is a drunkard and a welscher, so they shouldn't put too much stock in what he says. Fine. Move it along, please. After some minor intimidation by Oxmyx and Krakko and wise-guying in response by the welscher, Quantum gets his information. The welscher's been mole-ing for the Alienazis, and he informs on the Gestapo as well as on the Resistance. He says he once he caught a glimpse of his contact, and admits he's like no one he's ever seen: "It's the red eyes I can't forget." Aw, you could almost put that on a Hallmark card. Quantum demands a meeting. The Welsh Mole hesitates until Alicia says, "Sal." This single syllable pushes Oxmyx into forgiving the Welsh Mole twenty percent of his debts. Krakko's all, "Damn, Oxmyx," and Oxmyx admits that he's a generous guy, but warns the Welsh Mole not to get him in a bad mood because the Nazis don't have nothing on the days he gets up on the wrong side of the bed.
Trip and May-Still-Here beam in and talk about how weird Earth seems. Well, they're on an unrealistic grassy knoll, and it's TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO -- what the hell were they expecting? They find the sh'pod as artillery explode in the distance.
As they wait, Oxmyx whispers to Quantum about how their resistance is far from futile and is in fact growing every day. A tall man in a hat approaches from the distance and Oxmyx hands over his gun to Quantum. The Alienazi calls out for the Welsh Mole, and when Quantum steps out the Alienazi just says, "You." Ooh, scary! Alicia, Oxmyx, and Krakko step out of the shadows, ordering the Alienazi to drop his piece. He doesn't, so they close in on him and Alicia wrenches his gun from him as the Alienazi backs into light. "Holy Mother of --" Krakko swears as he catches sight of the gray complexion and bloodshot eyes.
Unrealistic grassy knoll. Trip and May-Still-Here examine the sh'pod, and tell T'Pol they are examining the sh'pod. It looks like they pawed through Reed's vintage closet and got some period-appropriate clothes.
Oxmyx and Krakko debate whether or not Shades of Gray is wearing a mask as Quantum goes through the Alienazi's pockets. He pulls out a small circular device that emits a high keening noise and glows green. It's the new iPod. Quantum wants to know who Shades of Gray is, but Shades of Gray isn't inclined to answer that. "How about if we pulled out your tongue?" Krakko offers eagerly. Maybe he doesn't have a tongue. Shades of Gray taunts Quantum for not being very informed, and Oxmyx demands to know what a temporal agent is. "You're helping the Germans win the war -- why?" Quantum questions. "Because, it suits us," Shades of Gray sneers. Interesting that the actor under all that gray mask and red eyes is the same dude who played Tuvix in an episode of Voyager. "How does this suit you?" Oxmyx asks, and fires at Shades of Gray. Shades of Gray grips a gray palm that bleeds yellow. Quantum gets really mad at Oxmyx and tries to rough him up, and all the while Krakko's pointing his gun at Quantum's head, pleading with Oxmyx to "just say the word." Word! Word! WORD! Considering that Quantum has done worse things to get information out of people, I don't see how -- oh, just forget it. I don't have the strength tonight. Oxmyx just says "the hell with it" and breaks out of Quantum's grasp. Krakko also gives Quantum an extra shove. Quantum plays good cop, saying he doesn't know how long he can hold the Panini brothers off, and again bellows for information. Shades of Gray says he and his bland-complected friends are trapped and have to build a time machine to get home. That's right, a time machine. Except they call it a "conduit." Shades of Gray cops to detecting and scanning Quantum's ship as well as his communicator, which explains how they know he's playing Future Boy. A Gestapo siren goes off, and the Panini brothers want to get the hell out of there. Quantum goes to leave but turns back to ask, "The conduit, where's it being built?" I AM SO SICK OF THEM HAVING TO FIND THINGS THAT ARE BEING BUILT! God. "You will find it," Shades of Gray sneers, "you won't stop us -- when we get back you'll never have existed!"
Yeah, and that brings up a good point: isn't it possible, even highly probable, that with the current timeline being so fucked up, Quantum (or any of the Enterprise crew) doesn't even exist anymore? His future existence would have been affected as soon as the tides of war turned the wrong way. Why don't all of them -- or even some of them -- just disappear? Explain that one to me, please. "Well, they can't -- Bakula's on a multi-year contract," the Evil Dr. Mathra observes calmly. I hate it when I get all worked up about temporal bullshit and he doesn't. Usually it's the other way around because I just refuse to believe in the temporal bullshit and he goes nuts trying to make me understand why "Cause and Effect" and "Yesterday's Enterprise" are such fabulous episodes. Oxmyx responds to Shades of Gray's mwa-ha-ha-ing by shooting him a bunch of times and then daring Quantum with a look to make something of it.
Unrealistic grassy knoll. Trip comms T'Pol that the sh'pod will take weeks to repair, and Reed announces the approach of some vehicles. In response to Trip's query, T'Pol says they will deal with the Silik issue later. Trip and May-Still-Here sign off to carry out Plan B.
As Alicia, Oxmyx, and Krakko try to figure out amongst themselves what Shades of Gray was, Quantum attempts to contact Enterprise with the iPod. Oxmyx wants to know what Shades of Gray meant by saying Quantum was from the future, and what the hell Shades of Gray even was. "That was an extra-terrestrial," Quantum says. "A Martian?" Oxmyx boggles. "I don't know what planet he was from," Quantum stonewalls. Ha. Ha. "And where are you from?" Oxmyx follows up. "Upstate New York," Quantum says. Aren't you going to add that you just work in space? Alicia notes that there are a lot of people out after curfew, and then all the shooting starts. The Nazis kill Oxmyx, and Krakko hollers at Quantum and Alicia to move their asses while he stays and fights. Quantum turns around to squeeze off one totally ineffective shot before darting down an alley. The Nazis give chase. Quantum hides to an oil drum and tries to contact Enterprise. Alicia gets really annoyed with him and snatches up his gun once hers runs out of bullets.
Unrealistic grassy knoll. Trip comms the ship that the charges are set, just as some Nazi jeeps and German Shepherds reach them. They dart into some bushes. The Nazis crawl inside the sh'pod, and Trip blows it up. The poor dogs! Trip and May-Nein don't get very far before they are surrounded by another host of Nazis. May-Nein gestures a bit with his phaser, but Trip shakes his head, silently telling him not to bother.
Enterprise. Reed notes that the sh'pod's history, and Hoshi says she's lost the boys' signal, but picked up something else. "It's faint," she says, all choked up, before making it available for all to hear. We can sort of hear Quantum calling them. T'Pol's lips CRACK WHORE out, and she answers him.
Alicia runs out of bullets and slumps, whimpering, to Quantum, who whispers to T'Pol to transport them out. The Nazis approach. Camel Taupe orders them to stand up without their weapons. Alicia glares at Quantum and drops her gun. They step out in front of the Nazis and Camel Taupe. "We have a great deal to talk about," Camel Taupe says. Quantum feels himself start to dissolve, so he feels safe in snarking, "It'll have to wait." The beam out, and the Nazis fire fruitlessly.
Transporter pad. Quantum and Alicia beam in, and Quantum welcomes her to his ship. Now where have I seen this EXACT SCENE before? I wonder. Alicia makes him promise he "won't do that again." He promises. Whatever -- her atoms just got scattered across the galaxy and she's all calmly, "Please ask time"? I don't think so.
"The way I see it is that week, the Alienazis will take over Enterprise and construct a beacon on the deflector dish to call out to the Alienazis that live in that century, while Quantum destroys a room full of toy ships, OR T'Pol will go to the Alienazi headquarters, where she will seduce and may or may not actually have sex with the commander in order to distract him, while Quantum steals the time machine and affixes it to Enterprise even though it's in violation of treaty, OR Mayweather's head will be left in a cave in order to save the ship but they will find it again when they go back in time and Mayweather will put it back on again," the Evil Dr. Mathra hypothesizes. What can I say? The boy's got the looks of a Hollywood star and the brains of a genius.
Alicia and Quantum step onto the Bridge. Hoshi flings herself at Quantum. Reed welcomes him back. T'Pol just CRACK WHORES her lips AND eyes and doesn't answer him when Quantum asks about their status. Great scene, because, you know, Hoshi and T'Pol are women and must therefore be the most emotional ones in it. I'm not saying they shouldn't feel something for getting their captain back from the grave, again; I'm just wondering why they have to be the only ones. And don't give me some wanked-out bullshit that Reed went back to his quarters and wrote in his diary about how he almost cried that day -- if it's not on screen, it didn't happen.
In the corridors, T'Pol brings Quantum up to speed. Quantum orders her to take apart the Alienazi iPod and figure out how to monitor their transmissions and download a bunch of Sarah MacLachlan from iTunes for free. They reach Sickbay, and Porthos leaps at Quantum. Phlox is quietly pleased to see Quantum. "I hope that's the last time you'll have to look after Porthos," Quantum says. I don't -- it's the only time we've seen Porthos get treated properly. Daniels has to ruin this moment by being almost dead and telling Quantum that the Alienazis are the most dangerous of all the Temporal Cold War factions, and are lead by Vosk, who is very opposed to the Temporal Accords. Is he related to Tosk? Vosk apparently defeated the people of Daniels's time and launched this war that's destroying all of time. Doesn't this mean that the Temporal Cold War has warmed up a bit? I mean, they obviously didn't get past their Cuban Missile Crisis. Daniels sent Quantum to this point because it's here where Vosk can be stopped. I so do not care about this storyline. When I saw the finale, I was visualizing hoards of Alienazis and just imagining how they could explain how the aliens came to exist in that time, but now I see it's just two or three of them and no one else really knows they exist. Such a major letdown and waste of potential. Daniels tells him that if he succeeds, the war will never happen and the timeline will be restored. Wait, how? I mean, fine, destroy Vosk and save Daniels's future if you must, but what about the Nazi occupation of America that never really happened? Destroying Vosk now after the Nazis have set up shop across the Eastern Seaboard doesn't actually change the fact that they have set up shop across the Eastern Seaboard. You'd have to go back in time to fix that, and that's not really what Daniels is saying, is it? Why? WHY do I TRY? Quantum mentions the time machine, and Daniels gasps that the original time machine (I can't believe I'm typing this) was a one-way ticket into the past, so Vosk needed to build the conduit (the Time Machine IIe) to get back. Quantum must destroy the conduit. I must throw up. Daniels dies dramatically. I'm beginning to think that Daniels is the unknown force that drives Quantum to leap around the galaxy, putting right what once was wrong.
Trip and May-Nein are marched into an interrogation room, where they will be interrogated. Camel Taupe tells him that their companion managed to evade them, but they won't be so lucky. Trip thinks hard about what companion he's referring to, and it would actually be logical for Trip to assume it is Silik. Camel Taupe doesn't feel like talking to them right now so he sends them back to their cells while he goes off to conduct another "test."
Camel Taupe marches off to gaze on his precious conduit. I can't believe this -- all they did was slightly touch up the warp core on Enterprise and hang a few swastikas over it in order to call it a time machine! Just because they think we can't recognize the White House dressed in Nazi frills, they assume we won't notice this? I just...yeah. So, I'm going to sleep after I bang my head on the hardwood floor a few hundred thousand times.
week: The reports of Daniels's death better not be greatly exaggerated. Oh, and does someone want to tell me why Data's great-great-grandpappy is looking so mean and angry?